06x06 - Not, I Barbecue

[bunniefuu]

[sighs]

What you doing, Carlton?

Oh, packing away my CDs.
Will and I made a bet.

For one week, I'm not allowed
to listen to Tom Jones

and he's not allowed to listen
to that God-awful Biggie Smalls.

We have $50 riding on it,
and I'm gonna win.

Who's Tom Jones?

Nicky, Nicky.
Tom Jones is the king of swing.

The tower of power. Mr. Vegas.

This guy's a legend.

[sighs]

Can I hear one of his songs?

Oh, I'd love to, but no can do.

Please?

Well, I guess one song
wouldn't hurt.

[instrumental music]

♪ It's not unusual to be loved
by anyone ♪

♪ It's not unusual to have fun
with anyone ♪

♪ But when I see you hanging
about with anyone ♪

♪ It's not unusual
to see me cry ♪

♪ I wanna die ♪

♪ It's not unusual to go out
at any time.. ♪♪

Just couldn't hang on there
could you, little fella?

Darn.

Thank you. Thank you very much.
Thank you.

Here's something for
your trouble, little brother.

Thanks a lot.

Five bucks?
What do I look like?

Come on, man.
You got to break me off
some.

[theme song]

♪ Now this is a story ♪

♪ All about how my life
got flipped ♪

♪ Turned upside-down
and I'd like to take a minute ♪

♪ Just sit right there I'll tell
you how I became the prince ♪

♪ Of a town called Bel-Air ♪

♪ In West Philadelphia
born and raised ♪

♪ On the playground was where
I spent most of my days ♪

♪ Chillin' out maxin'
relaxing all cool ♪

♪ And all sh**t' some B-ball
outside of the school ♪

♪ When a couple of guys
who were up to no good ♪

♪ Started makin' trouble
in my neighborhood ♪

♪ I got in one little fight
and my mom got scared ♪

♪ And said you're moving
with your auntie ♪

♪ And uncle in Bel-Air ♪

♪ I whistled for a cab ♪

♪ And when it came near ♪

♪ The license plate said fresh ♪

♪ And it had dice
in the mirror ♪

♪ If anything I can say ♪

♪ That this cab was rare ♪

♪ But I thought nah forget it ♪

♪ Yo homes to Bel-Air ♪

♪ I pulled up to a house
about seven or eight ♪

♪ And I yelled to the cabbie
yo homes smell you later ♪

♪ I looked at my kingdom
I was finally there ♪

♪ To sit on my throne
as the prince of Bel-Air ♪♪

- That movie was pathetic.
- Pathetic.

Naked women bumping and grinding
on strangers' laps?

And-and the way them guys
j-just sat there and took
it.

How can anyone find
that attractive?

I mean, is our culture
that diseased?

You know, just-just
thinking about it

i-is making me feel dirty.

You know, I'm gonna have to
take a shower.

You wanna join me?

What am I saying?
It's even infected me.

-Hola.
- Hi.

What'd you guys end up seeing?

- "Showgirls."
- Again?

What does that make it,
eight times, Will?

[chuckles]

Eight times?

You told me you hated it.

No, baby, I did.

I mean, and every time, I wanted
to just walk out of there.

I know the feeling, Will. Bye.

Wait, bu-bu-but, ba-ba-baby.

Baby, hol.. Oh, girl!

Boy, did you handle that badly.

Oh, good, Geoffrey, you're here.

No.

When did I ever ask you
for anything?

You never stopped asking
from the moment I started here.

That's not true.

In fact, as I remember

I spent my first seven hours
of service here

installing wall-to-wall
carpet
for Barbie's dream house.

Carpet which had to be
promptly removed.

Well, it's not my fault
that when Ken got home

he didn't like it.

And it wasn't my fault the
dollhouse burnt to the
ground.

Geoffrey, Skipper d*ed
in that fire.

[scoffs]
I don't even wanna think
about it.

Look, I need you to
hem this dress.

Come on.

- Hi, daddy.
- Hi, baby.

Carlton, have you seen the notes
I've been working on

for my speech before
the bar tomorrow?

Yeah, they're right here,
big guy.

I've crossed out
what didn't work

and rewritten the rest.

How thoughtful.

Daddy, can I use your car
tonight?

- No.
- How about mom's?

Talk to her.

Mom, dad said it's okay
for me to use your car tonight.

I didn't say that.

Those weren't your exact words,
Uncle Phil

but you kind of did imply that..

You know, there was absolutely
no reason

for me to jump in here,
was there?

None whatsoever.

I'm gonna go ahead
and jump out of here.

Yes, jump on with your bad self.

It's fine if you take the
car,
honey.

Oh, thank you.

Ashley's going out tonight.

I've given Geoffrey
the night off

and Nicky's going to
his first sleepover.

Mm-hmm.

Philip, the house will be
nice
and quiet.

- Mm.
- You know what that means?

Yeah, I can finally finish
my speech.

- Philip!
- What?

- What?
- Nobody said anything.

Nicky's first sleepover. Ahh.

I'll never forget my first
overnighter.

Ned Martin's house.

Raised all kinds of heck.

Drank hot chocolate.
Had pillow fights.

Watched the O.J. Trial.

What a night.

[instrumental music]

[knocking]

- Hi, Carlton.
- Hi, Michelle.

Here, I have a special
delivery letter for you.

Odd. No return address.

"A special invitation from me
to you for tonight.

Please RSVP ASAP."

Darn, another chain letter.

Carlton, it's from me.

Sweet cheeks of Buddha,
you pack a wallop.

So you wanna go out tonight?

Oh.

No can do.
I have to study tonight.

On Saturday night?

For some, it's bath night.
For me, it's math night.

But, hey,
maybe you could help me?

Oh. Well, I-I'd probably
just
get in your way.

Yeah, you're probably right.

Well, bye.

Bye.

Hmm. She seems a bit of
a gloomy Gus.

I can't believe Michelle
hasn't called.

I've left messages.
I've paged her.

Oh, God, I hope
she's not disgruntled.

You better be worrying about me
being disgruntled

after the way you messed
my date up today.

Will, I've come
to the realization

I don't understand women.

Or men, for that matter.

Maybe I should just talk to
my dad. He understands women.

I'm sorry about before.

We're gonna have a great time
tonight, sweetheart.

A great time.

You know what I'm saying?

I love you. Mm.

Do you?

Sweetheart, I just said I did.

And you look beautiful.

- Philip.
- Ah, I'm serious.

For someone who's had four
children, you look amazing.

[instrumental music]

Sandra, I'm telling you.
I-I really hated that movie.

I don't know. I-I guess
in some sick kind of way

I was just trying to
punish myself.

No, no, no. You're right.
No, I can be serious.

Ju.. Let me prove it to you.

Sandra, I seriously wanna go out
with you tonight.

Your cousin?

Oh, no, no, no.
I mean, I can find somebody

to go out with your cousin,
yeah.

Oh, no, no.
That's no problem at all.

Hey, and I got the perfect guy
for the job.

Alright, baby,
you're the breast..

Best! Best! I said best!

No.

Hey, hey, Carlton.
Come on, man. You owe me.

You almost wrecked
everything
with Sandra.

I'm not gonna do it.

Oh, you're not gonna do it.

You know what? That's fine.

It's probably time for me
to move on anyway, you know.

And as luck would have it,
it's come to my attention

that there's this cute little
mail carrier that's available.

- You wouldn't.
- Yeah, you're right.

But that would be exactly
what you deserved.

Will, I'm sorry
and I know I owe you one.

But I just wouldn't
feel right going out

and having a good time
without Michelle.

What if I could promise you
a terrible time?

If I could only be sure.

I guarantee you the worst
time

that you have ever had
in your life.

Okay.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music on stereo]

[both chuckle]

We finally have the house
all to ourselves.

Hi.

Don't stop. Go on with whatever
you're doing.

Wait. Oh, my God.
Ew. What were you doing?

I don't even wanna think
about it. Where's Geoffrey?

- He's got the night off.
- What about my dress?

I'm pretty sure
he was wearing pants.

Eww.

[instrumental music]

Oh, let me tell you now,
that there was some good grub.

That girl can cook. Mm!

What about you, Carlton?
Did you enjoy your dinner?

It was fine.

You don't talk much, do you?

Uh, as a child,
he was dropped on his tongue.

I think he's the strong
silent type.

Ooh. You are strong.

Well, I'm no stranger
to the gym.

Carlton, how about some dessert?
I've got ice cream.

Sweet chocolate ice cream.

I'm a tutti-frutti man myself.

(Will)
What the heck is wrong with you,
Carlton?

That girl just offered you
two scoops.

I'm afraid I'm a one-gal guy.

[laughing]

What's so funny?

We were just thinking
of a little game we could play.

- Tiffany.
- Oh, come on, Sandra.

- It'll be fun.
- Wait.

- What'll be fun?
- A word game.

Oh, that ain't exactly the kind
of a game I was thinking about.

It involves the word "strip."

Set it up.

[instrumental music]

Tell me this, Doogie. Um..

How is it possible
that we're losing?

I can't pull a vowel
to save my life.

As soon as you get warm,
I wanna see some skin again.

You're little on the
demanding
side, ain't you, girl?

Hey, just play them
or lose them.

Hey. Hey.

This thing is not over yet.

Ah! Four. Alright. Alright.

A four-letter word,
four-letter word.

Uh, uh..

Eenie, meenie, minie, mo

now some of y'all's clothes
gots to go.

[knocking]

(Mad Dog)
'Tiffany?'

Hey, w-who's that?

Her boyfriend.

What? You got a boyfriend?

Of course.

[knocking on door]

One second, Mad Dog.

- Mad Dog?
- Mad Dog?

[instrumental music]

- Mad Dog.
- Mad Dog.

Quick, in here.

Don't pull on me, girl.

Hey, would you..
Hey, hey, hey.

Alright. Don't be push,
don't be push..

This is just great.

I can't believe I let you
talk me into this.

I hate you.

Shh!

The dude is out there.
He's gonna hear us.

Hear us? He's gonna k*ll us.

That is if your breath
don't k*ll us first.

Damn, man. Don't you bring
a mint when you go on a date?

As a matter of fact, I do.
They're in my pants pocket.

You wanna go get them for
me?

Oh, this is ridiculous.

Mad Dog. I'm sure he's
nothing
but a p*ssy cat.

[muffled scream]

He's gonna eat me.

And then he gonna floss with me.

(Tiffany)
'I'm tired of your excuses.'

(Mad Dog)
But it's not an excuse.

Just give me a minute
to explain

and then I'm out of here.

Alright. You know,
t-that's cool. You know.

As soon as the blackness monster
explains

we'll be home free.

[instrumental music]

[both yelping]

Shh!

He's sleeping. Come on,
you gotta get out of here.

- Come on!
- Oh, alright.

I got this strange feeling
we forgetting something.

You're right. Thank you
for a very lovely evening.

Hey, hey, what y'all do
with our clothes?

It's under him.

Why you put, why you put
our clothes..

Bel-Air's not that long
of a walk.

Alright, look. We just gonna get
our clothes, then we gonna go.

No, no, no.
From the looks of this brother

he's a heavy sleeper.

We alright. We alright.
Go ahead. Go ahead.

[whispering]
Just under. Under..

[groaning]

[groaning]

Go on without me.
Save yourself.

[grunting]

Will, forget the clothes.
Let's just get out of here.

Let's go.

Who the hell are you?

Um..

This is just a dream.

We're not really here.

Stop that.

Carlton, stop.

I said, who the hell are you?

Um..

Surprise!

Hey, man. We from L.A.
stripper gram. Yeah, you know.

We got a special birthday wish
for you fr-from Tiffany.

Yeah, you know.

♪ Happy birthday to ♪

♪ Mad Dog ♪

♪ Happy birthday Mad Dog ♪

It's not my birthday.

[stammering]

Uh..

♪ Macho macho man ♪

♪ I've got to be a macho man ♪

♪ Young man
there's a place you can go ♪

♪ I said young man
you're all out on your own ♪

♪ I said Y-M-C-A ♪

♪ Y-M-C-A ♪♪

Stop it.

Stop it.

You know what? Somebody in here
is trying to play me for a fool.

No, no, Mad Dog.
None of that, man.

No, you.. You know..

Someone's gonna die.

[shrieks]

Now, wait a minute.
Now, hold on.

Hold up. Hold up. Hold up.
Now, wait a minute.

This black-on-black crime
makes me sick!

Now, if this is what
we gotta do

just give me a damn minute
with my cousin.

Um..

We're about to die.

Alright, but the best defense
is a strong offense, okay?

So remember me for this.

I'll see you on the other side.

Ah!

Sorry.

[grunting]

Oh, my God. I just saw
the state of Florida

just pass over my head.

Hey, hey.
Hey, Mad Dog. Mad Dog.

Bro, bro, you know..
Come on, man.

Shouldn't you be climbing up

the Empire State Building
or something?

- Will, the window.
- Go, go.

[yelping]

[grunting]

[screaming]

[laughing]

Bet you wish you wouldn't
have gone off

that SlimFast now, don't you?

You're lucky.

But eventually, you're gonna
have to come back in here.

Eh, shut up
and get back in there

you're stretching the building.

Will...what, what are
we gonna do now?

Oh. Well, you know,
it's almost winter.

Eventually, he's gonna have
to hibernate.

All we got to do,
you know, just hang out up here

don't bring no attention
to ourselves.

(male #1)
'Hey, look, those guys
are gonna jump.'

Uh, no, no, man. W-we're just
out getting some air, man.

[siren wailing]

This is the worst night
of my life.

Ain't that what I promised you?

Don't panic. I'm from the Crisis
Intervention Unit.

You're young.

You're young.

"And-and you have everything
to live for."

Just get us down.

There you go, putting the
cart
before the horse.

Now, hand me the baby.

Man, what are you doing?
We ain't got no baby, man.

Oh, my bad.

Man, look, will you get the hell
out of our way, fool?

Hey, there's no need to be
calling names.

Sticks and stones will break
your bones

but a 50-foot fall
will k*ll y'all.

I made that up myself.

That civil service exam
is really easy, isn't it?

[instrumental music]

But I have to admit
there are times

that I just don't
understand women.

And it doesn't get any easier
when you get older.

No, no. This is the one
right here. Check this out.

"I shouldn't have to tell you.
I mean, you should just know."

How am I supposed to know?

Who do I look like,
Dionne Warwick?

No, no, no.
This is my favorite.

"If you love me as much as you
say you do

you'd know what I'm feeling."

Oh, man. How am I supposed
to know what you're feeling?

What does that mean?

What are you guys talking about
that's so funny?

Oh, sports.

- Football.
- Sports.

Funny. I'm off to
the hairdresser

to talk sports myself.

Hey, no, this is the one
right here. This is the one.

"If you was listening to me,
what'd I just say?"

- They always say that.
- I wasn't listening, you know?

Yo, yo, yo, how about this one?

"Slow down,
you're moving too fast.

We hardly even know each other."

And then she has the nerve
to get upset.

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪