06x11 - I, Ooh, Baby Baby

[bunniefuu]

There's nothing quite like

putting up
Christmas decorations.

Yeah. Hey, what you want
for Christmas, granny?

Oh, at my age,
you don't need much.

Just the love of
your family.

Oh. Cool. Hey, but at my
age,
you need a little more.

Listen, you mind
taking a look at this here?

You know, 'cause I know you got
a little pull with the big guy

you know, so I was hoping
you'd put in a word for me.

Hey, just let him know
that the few times

that I have been naughty,
it was real nice.

You know what I mean?
Heh, heh.

Carlton, what are you doing?

Mom said that while she was
gone, I could decorate the tree.

No, mom said while she was gone,
I could decorate the tree.

Alright. Carlton,
you take one half of the tree.

Ashley, you take the other.

Fine. Carlton,
you can have the top half.

[timer dings]

There's my Christmas cookies.

Oh, great, Geoffrey,
you're here.

And if I said I weren't,
would you leave me alone?

You can't get me down, Geoffrey.
Not today.

Today is the happiest day
of my life.

That is, until tomorrow,
when my show goes national

which will make that
the new happiest day of my life.

That'll make today..

I get the pattern,
Miss Hilary.

Then you'll hem these?
Great.

Geoffrey's on board.

Oh, daddy, you're here.
Heh, heh.

Congratulations on your big day.

Oh, thank you.

Have you decided which TV
you're gonna watch it on?

- Uh, yeah. This one right here.
- Oh, great, great, great.

- Come on, sit down. Sit down.
- Okay. Okay.

Click. Heh, heh.
Look, I'm on.

Let's practice.
How are you gonna watch me?

Oh, good, good.
Oh, this is so exciting.

Look, there I am interviewing
some very important guests.

Will, who's on the show
tomorrow?

A bunch of pregnant women.

Great, I'll look thin.
Not that I don't, anyway.

Oh, I have a real knack
for this.

Yeah.

Oh, here's the remote.

[theme song]

♪ Now this is a story ♪

♪ All about how my life
got flipped ♪

♪ Turned upside-down ♪

♪ And I'd like to take a minute
just sit right there ♪

♪ I'll tell you
how I became the prince ♪

♪ Of a town called Bel-Air ♪

♪ In West Philadelphia,
born and raised ♪

♪ On the playground is where
I spent most of my days ♪

♪ Chillin' out, maxin'
relaxing all cool ♪

♪ And all sh**t' some b-ball
outside of the school ♪

♪ When a couple of guys
who were up to no good ♪

♪ Started makin' trouble
in my neighborhood ♪

♪ I got in one little fight
and my mom got scared ♪

♪ And said you're moving
with your auntie ♪

♪ And uncle in Bel-Air ♪

♪ I whistled for a cab
and when it came near ♪

♪ The license plate said fresh
and it had dice in the mirror ♪

♪ If anything I can say
that this cab was rare ♪

♪ But I thought
nah forget it ♪

♪ Yo homes to Bel-Air ♪

♪ I pulled up to a house
about seven or eight ♪

♪ And I yelled
to the cabbie ♪

♪ Yo homes smell you later ♪

♪ I looked at my kingdom
I was finally there ♪

♪ To sit on my throne
as the prince of Bel-Air ♪♪

Our patented big-girl panel

gives you all the support
you need.

And remember, maternity clothes
don't have to be drab.

But beware,
in that last trimester

stripes are not our friends.

Well, that's
all the time we have

on our first national show.

Thank you all for watching,
and remember..

Bye.

[instrumental music]

♪ Celebrate good times come on ♪

Whoo-hoo!

Oh, man.
Oh, Hil, you were slamming.

'The show was kicking.'

'Werner,
if you don't stop dancing'

'I'm about to get sea-sick.'

'I'm here with national'

'talk-show hostess,
Hilary Banks.'

''Hilary, how do you feel?

They like me.
They really like me.

Now, Hilary, now that
you've reached this pinnacle

this high-point in your
career

what's left for you
to accomplish?

How will you possibly top this?

Oh, that's easy.
I was thinking..

Well, um..

Well, I think that I'm goi..
Ugh.

No.

Well, maybe I can't top this.

Right. Right.

[glass shattering]

My water broke.

[gasping]

(Will)
'Oh, okay.'

[screaming]

Excuse me, I'm a doctor.

- Okay, have a seat.
- Alright. Alright. Cool.

Now, this is just like on "ER,"
y'all.

Alright, so just chill.
Everybody, just relax.

Hey, hey,
how do you feel right now?

Can somebody get this clown
out of here?

Allow me.

This is the happiest day
of my life.

Whoa.
What a coincidence?

Hey, Hil, this is the
happiest
day of your life too.

Your show just went
national.

I know. Don't I look happy?

Hey, Spike Lee.

We gotta clear a path,
let this woman out of here.

Whoo! It's the good doctor.
Congratulations, doc.

Eh! Hey, put it there.

Hey, you know what?
Right after you wash that.

Hey.
Uncle Phil, what you think?

Oh, it's, uh, big.

Hey, you know,
it's the perfect size

for, like, I don't know,
a THX, Dolby Pro Logic

surround-sound, uh, subwoofer.

Uh, what's my odds?

[laughing]

- Laughing, that's a good sign.
- Ha, ha, ha.

["Jingle Bell Rock"
playing on stereo]

♪ Jingle bell jingle bell
jingle bell rock ♪

♪ Jingle bells swing
and jingle bells ring ♪

Merry Christmas, everybody.

No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait.
What is that?

It's called flocking.
It makes the tree look
pretty.

It makes it look cheesy
and I won't have it on my tree.

Oh, your tree? Well, let me
tell you something, missy.

Oh, get that flocking can
away from me.

How dare you speak to me
like that?

- There's no way--
- That's your side of the tree.

'I can do whatever
I want to my side.'

Uh, granny, let a brother
get a finger full.

Let a brother get a finger full.

Get, get, get..

You know, I..

I just can't seem to get
this bowl to stand still.

It might help
if you put down the eggnog.

Worth a try.

You know, you're right.

- Hi, grandma.
- Hi, honey.

I'm so glad you're here.

I need someone to talk to.

See, I just don't know
what to do.

I was all set for today
to be the best day of my life

but it feels just like
any other day.

And I have this,
this empty feeling

you know, like,
like something's missing?

Sure, I have
an effervescent personality

and a smile that could blind you
from across the room..

...but I just feel so blah.

Oh, I'm sorry, were you
saying something, honey?

You've gotta talk
into my good ear.

I'm just happy that you're
here for the holidays.

Okay, Hil, this is it.
Now, these promos are important

so say it like
you mean it, okay?

'And action.'

Good morning, KFNS in Phoenix

this is Hilary
of the "Hilary Show."

Be sure to watch us
weekdays at 4:00.

Hilary, the idea of these promos
is to attract an audience

and make the show
sound interesting.

So, give it a little gusto,
you know?

- Give it that Hilary pizzazz.
- Okay.

Ueah, Hil, you could try
a little something like this.

Good morning, KFNS in..

♪ Phoenix Phoenix ♪

♪ Phoenix Phoenix ♪

♪ This is the Hilary Show ♪

♪ Phoenix Phoenix ♪

Yeah.

Something in between
what you did

and-and whatever it was
that he just did.

Okay. Fine.

And action.

Good morning, KFNS in Phoenix

this is Hilary
of the "Hilary Show."

Be sure to watch us
weekdays at 4:00.

♪ Phoenix ♪

Was it better?

Just give it another try.

You know, my head really
isn't into this right now.

Will, there's somewhere I'd
like to go. Could you take
me?

- Uh, yeah, yeah. Sure, Hil.
- Okay.

Hil, couldn't you have said this
with flowers?

(woman on PA)
'Dr. King, dial nine.'

We're not disturbing you,
are we? Is it okay?

Come on in. Come on in.

I just thought I'd stop by
and see the baby.

Well..

Oh, he's so cute.
Isn't he, Will?

Oh, yeah. Well, you know,
bald head, pudgy.

If he had a beard, he'd look
just like my Uncle Phil.

Ha, ha, ha.

Would you like to hold him?

Oh, yeah. I do.
Let me hold him.

I wanna hold the baby.

- Careful.
- Please, Hil.

Like I never held a baby before.
I know what I'm doing.

Whoa. Hey, dude. Hold up.
He tripping. He tripping.

[Hilary giggles]

Oh, he's so cute.

Oh, look at his little nose.
Heh, heh.

And his little hands.

Hil, check it out.

Uncle Phil's hand.
Ha, ha, ha.

How's the new mommy?
Feeling okay?

Great.

Look at you.

You look so comfortable
holding that baby.

Oh, really?

A baby will always tell you

when he's in good hands.

[baby cries]

And when he's hungry.

Ay! Hey, hey, hey.

Ai! Okay. You know,
I just remembered, um..

...I gotta go someplace,
uh, where that's not happening.

Um, hey, come on, Hil.

Can't we just stay
a little longer?

Well, I'm off my shift
in 15 minutes.

I can give you a ride.

Okay. Great.

Oh. Remember, doc,
no mouth-to-mouth

on the first date, huh?

Ha, ha, ha.

Will.

Oh, it's like a hotel. They
expect you to take this stuff.

Have you taken the roast
out of the oven yet, Geoffrey?

Show me again how it's done,
Nana Hattie.

Oh, alright.

I love my job.

Mm-mm-mm.
Grandma Hattie's roast.

You know, a cow would be happy
to be in your kitchen.

Boy, am I happy to be here.

[Hattie laughing]

Oh, great.
You're all here.

I have some really big news.

No news is bigger
than my mother's roast.

I'm gonna have a baby.

Now, that would be bigger
than the roast.

Daddy, you're gonna be
a grandpa.

Daddy, say something.

Geoffrey, get the Scotch.

- It's gone, sir.
- What?

You've said my attitude
has improved lately.

How could this happen?

It's the pressure, sir.

Phil, calm down.

Hilary, darling, this doesn't
have to be bad news.

Having a child is a gift.

Now, come on, tell grandma,
who's the father?

I don't know.

Oh, dear God.

Ashley, take your
grandmother upstairs.

Will, takes notes.

Come on, grandma.

Just how pregnant are you?

Who said I was pregnant?
I said I was gonna have a baby.

I think Aunt Viv
must've dropped the ball

on that little girl-girl talk.

Hilary, you're not making
any sense.

I'm not pregnant yet.

I'm gonna go down to one of
those fertility clinics

and find a donor.

After Will and I
went to the hospital

I realized what was missing
in my life.

- I need a baby.
- Oh. Heh, heh.

Are you insane?

Do you have any idea
what having a baby entails, huh?

This is madness.
A baby is a lifetime commitment.

A commitment
that a couple makes.

A baby is not a pick-me-up.

Scotch is a pick-me-up.
Damn that, Geoffrey.

Daddy, I didn't come here
for your permission

I came here for your
blessing.

This is your fault.

Hey, man.
How you gonna blame me?

You're the one who took her
to the hospital.

Therefore, it's your fault.
There.

Oh, forget it.
I don't know what I'm
saying.

What am I gonna say to
Vivian?

Uh..

"Hi, grandma?" Heh, heh.

Hoo.

Thanks for coming, Will.

It's really great
to have your support.

Uh, no problem, Hil.
Hey, when you leave here

there'll be no doubt
in your mind what you wanna do.

Excuse me.
Um, I'd like some information

about your, um, inventory.

Are you looking
for something specific?

What have you got in a hunk?

You'll be happy to know
that our donors

are screened very thoroughly.

We have everything from doctors
to rocket scientists.

You wouldn't happen to have
this month's, would you?

Sure. Here you are, doctor.

Thank you.

We get lots of doctors.

Ugh! I don't think so.

[laughing]

- Hey, yo. Thanks a lot, man.
- Glad I could be of service.

Hey, come on,
let's get out of here.

Uh..

I'll catch up to you later.

Thank you all for joining me

on another journey of love

happiness and good cheer.

So until tomorrow, goodbye.
And remember..

Okay?

Whoo! Hey, good show, Hil.

I'm glad to see
you're feeling better.

Oh, what'd you expect?

Well, you know, after today,
I kind of thought you..

Oh, that was just
a little setback.

I'm a trouper.

Girl, you are
a super-duper trouper.

Well, I just hope my baby's
a super-duper trouper too.

- Huh? Baby?
- Hey, you ready?

Oh! Hey, what's up, doc.
What you doing?

You come back to deliver
another baby, huh?

What, you get a commission
on them..

No, I came to pick up
Hilary.

Bye, Will. On to plan B.

So how do you like the food?

- It's delicious.
- Good.

You know, I found this place

the first year of my internship.

I was dying for food

that didn't
come out of a machine.

Oh! You know, I spent
some time in Milan

and this place reminds me
of a little restaurant

near the Piazza Di Vani.

So any mental illness
in your family?

Heh. Excuse me?

Schizophrenia? Anorexia?

You know, general weirdness?

Uh, not that I know of.

So tell me,
what were you doing in Italy?

Shopping and studying Italian.

- Oh, so you speak Italian?
- Well, not exactly.

I did more shopping
than studying

but it didn't really matter,
I mean, they have translators

in all those little shops.

So back to you.

Any heart disease?
Gingivitis?

Midgets?

No.

Any relatives in the circus?

Uh, not that I know of.
I mean..

I did have an uncle
who was a clown.

Ew. Duly noted.

Oh. Aren't they so cute?

You're so lucky, you get to be
around babies all the time.

Yeah, babies are great.

I can't wait to have
a family someday.

How about you?

I suppose.

Oh, so you're not ready
for babies, huh?

No, I'm definitely ready
for a baby.

It's just the family.

I mean..

Uh, I hadn't thought about it,
I guess.

I don't understand,
I mean, how can you have one

without the other?

Wait, wasn't I the one
asking all the questions?

Want another hit?

Hit me.

Ah..

[sighs]

What were we thinking about
having kids?

[chuckles]

What? What?

I was just wondering
what life would've been like

without the headaches
of parenting.

[both laughs]

Imagine that,
if you ain't had no kids.

It'd just be you,
Aunt Viv and me

all by ourselves
in this big house.

Party, you know.

[laughs]

I saw the light on.

- Can I talk to you, daddy?
- Oh, God.

I don't wanna do this.
I wish I'd..

Daddy, please?

Fine. Will, will you
excuse us, please?

Oh, yeah. Sure thing.

Hey, look, Uncle Phil

I just want you to know,
you know, I got your back.

Alright? Anything jump off,
all you got to do is
holler..

- Goodbye, Will.
- Alright.

Where did we go wrong?

Well? You said
you wanted to talk.

Daddy, I'm not gonna
have a baby.

Oh, that's a relief.

But I must tell you,
this whole thing

has been very upsetting.

It's been upsetting for me too.

I thought that the show
going national

was gonna change my life.

I mean, I had set
certain career goals for myself

and then when I reached them,
I still felt empty.

Sweetheart, it's fine
to have career goals

but it's wrong to assume that's
all you need to make you happy.

I know. That's why I thought
I needed a baby.

Maybe I need a new car.

Oh, God, Hilary.

I'm kidding, daddy.

Oh, God. I don't have
all the answers.

I wish I did, but I don't.

You know, it used to be so easy.

You'd cry,
I'd buy you a bracelet.

You cried louder,
maybe some earrings.

I miss those days.

Just remember..

...happiness comes from inside.

Hm?

- I love you, daddy.
- I love you too, sweetheart.

- It's perfect.
- It's perfect.

- I was talking about my side.
- Your side? Please.

I've seen better looking trees
hanging from rearview mirrors.

Oh, please. Your side looks like
someone threw up on a snowman.

- Threw up on a snowman?
- Hey, that's enough, you two.

Alright, now, each side
is very nice in its own way.

- You really think so, Will?
- Well, yeah.

I mean, you know, you might've
laid the flock on a little thick

but other than that,
it's very busy.

Not bad, Will. Not bad.

Well, you know, I'm just
kind of getting the hang

of this parenting thing
here,
you know what I mean?

Hey, dad, I'm heading down
to the mall.

- Mind if I borrow a few bucks?
- I'm sorry, I'm busted.

You're gonna have to get back
with me later on that one.

Alright?

You call that dusting, Geoffrey?

Give me that. I'll do it myself.

(Geoffrey)
'God bless us, everyone.'

[instrumental music]

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪♪