06x13 - I, Clownius

[bunniefuu]

Ah, ha, ha!

Uncle Phil's in the house.

Give your little nephew
Willie from Philly

a little huggy buggy.

Get off me.

Well, well, no, no more running
out of the house in the morning.

No more trial.

No more breakfast
for the rest of us.

I'm so glad
the trial is over because now

we can get to all those things
we've been putting off.

- Ah. Ha, ha.
- Mm.

Sounds like somebody got
a little booty duty

huh, Uncle Phil? Huh?

Sir, there's a Mr. Joe
Winters
to see you.

Oh, great.
I didn't know he was coming by.

Well, he's the head
of the Republicans

for a Better Society.

Republicans
for a Better Society?

You gotta get me a T-shirt.

What's he here for?

Well, they have this crazy idea

that I should become involved
in politics.

Oh, politics, that's such
a dirty corrupt business

filled with nothing
but self-interest.

- Yeah.
- Ooh. I've got goosebumps.

Well, I'm just gonna listen
to him. I don't wanna be rude.

- You know.
- The mark of a true politician.

Tell them what they wanna hear.

Oh, honey, don't forget
our lunch reservation.

Oh, well, sweetheart,
maybe we should try

to make that another time, okay?

Ah. Suck it up, mom.

You're in politics now.

- Hi, mom.
- Oh, hey. Good morning, Ash.

What's good about it?

What's good about it?

Who did they just make
assistant head counter girl

at Dippity Do Dog, huh?

Oh, please. I hate my job.
It's dirty. It's demeaning.

And I have to work
for a bunch of ingrates.

You'll get used to it.

[theme song]

♪ Now this is a story ♪

♪ All about how my life ♪

♪ Got flipped turned
upside down ♪

♪ And I'd like to take a minute
just sit right there ♪

♪ I'll tell you how I became
the prince of a town ♪

♪ Called Bel-Air ♪

♪ In west Philadelphia
born and raised ♪

♪ On the playground is where
I spent most of my days ♪

♪ Chillin' out maxin'
relaxin' all cool ♪

♪ And all sh**t' some b-ball
outside of the school ♪

♪ When a couple of guys
who were up to no good ♪

♪ Started makin' trouble
in my neighborhood ♪

♪ I got in one little fight
and my mom got scared ♪

♪ And said, you're moving
with your auntie ♪

♪ And uncle in Bel-Air ♪

♪ I whistled for a cab
and when it came near ♪

♪ The license plate said Fresh ♪

♪ And it had dice
in the mirror ♪

♪ If anything I can say that
this cab was rare ♪

♪ But I thought nah forget it
yo homes to Bel-Air ♪

♪ I pulled up to a house
about seven or eight ♪

♪ And I yelled to the cabbie
yo homes smell you later ♪

♪ I looked at my kingdom,
I was finally there ♪

♪ To sit on my throne
as the prince of Bel-Air ♪

Thank you and come again.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

What kind of mineral water
do you have?

Uh, the only water we have is
in that fountain over there.

Do I look like I drink out
of the public water supply?

Now, why don't you be a dear

and run out
and get me some Pellegrino?

I'm sorry, I can't do that.
I'm a little busy right now.

Do you realize you're talking
to Jewel Pemberton?

Ooh.

The same Jewel Pemberton
who's gonna order

something off the menu
or get out of the line?

I didn't build this country's
top modeling agency

by putting up
with such insolence.

Young lady, you will never serve
lunch in this town again.

- Is that a promise?
- Wait.

- Turn your head that way again.
- Excuse me?

Just turn your head a little
to the right.

You are beautiful.

Your hair. Oh!

Your bone structure.
Your figure.

Has anyone ever talked to you
about modeling?

Just this old guy that comes
in here with a Polaroid.

How would you like to come work
for Pemberton?

[gasps]

Oh..

W-w-what kind of water
did you say you wanted?

Ah! Cauliflower, your favorite.

Geoffrey, what do you know
about wine?

I know no one does it better
than you, Miss Hilary.

I'm going out
with a wine connoisseur tonight

and I really wanna impress him.

Wear something low-cut.

Well, duh.

Oh, where's mom?
I can't believe it.

This is the most incredible
thing that's ever happened.

[both shrieks]

I'm so excited.

You know, this is like,
amazingly

stupendously fantastic.

- You heard?
- Heard about what?

I got discovered today.
I'm gonna be a model.

It's not that old guy
with the Polaroid, is it?

What's going on in here?

Oh, mom, you'll never guess
what happened to me today.

Pemberton Modeling Agency
wants me to sign with them.

And this is the contract.

Sign it. Please, please, please.

Ashley, you realize
that modeling is a field

in which they judge you solely
on your looks?

God, you are so lucky.

Honey, this is a big deal.

I'm gonna have to discuss
this
with your father.

Oh, but, mom,
it won't interfere with school.

And it's an opportunity for me
to learn a whole new career.

One that doesn't make my hair
smell like fried meat.

Wait, wait, wait, wait a minute.

Pemberton Modeling?

I think they handle
Naomi Campbell.

I'd love to handle
Naomi Campbell.

Hey, hey, come on, Aunt Viv.
Sign that doggone thing.

Ashley,
modeling is a waste of time.

All sure, you'll
travel the world

wear beautiful clothes
and make millions of dollars.

But that's it.

Oh, daddy,
Pemberton Modeling Agency

wants me to sign with them.

Come on, Uncle Phil,
this is Ashley's big chance

for me to meet Naomi Campbell.

And they're already talking
about putting me in a show.

A, a big show, after which
all the models are gonna wanna

come home with Ashley
and have some coffee.

Geoffrey, start making
some damn coffee.

Well, sweetheart, I just don't
have time right now.

Honey, okay? I've gotta meet
with Joe Winters.

Joe Winters, honey?

Now you know how I feel
about you going into politics.

Of course I do, sweetheart.
I'm just being polite.

Ah, but what about
the contract?

Well, have your mother
look at it.

- I won't be too late.
- Philip..

Mom?

[sighs]
Fine, honey.

- Yes, yes, yes.
- Okay.

Hey, hey, Ashley,
you-you know the way

to get in good with the agency

you should throw, like,
a little, you know

model slumber party.

- Thanks, Will.
- Oh, alright, alright.

You know what, you know what,
forget it, forget.

Forget the slumber party,
hey, just invite them all
over

and we all just get
butt-naked right here.

Look, Vivian, I did not know
they were gonna keep me so late.

But I'm gonna make it up to you.

I bought us tickets
for the ballet.

But, Philip,
you hate the ballet.

Worse than holding your purse,
Vivian.

That's how sorry I am.

[giggles]

No. No. No.

Now that is all wrong, Ashley.

Now, look.
You gotta suck those cheeks in.

And then you gotta look like
you got a real attitude problem

you know?

- Uh, Will..
- Oh, that is perfect.

Whoa, wait a second, there,
guys.

Do you realize they're taking
20-percent commission here?

- What?
- So?

Well, 20 percent
is a lot of money.

I'll handle this.

No, I'll handle it.

[chuckles]

Nope. I'll handle it, Tattoo.

Get out of here, man.
What, what, what?

- Whoo! Up, Queenie.
- Give me.

Up, Queenie.

- Boss, the plane. The plane.
- Will, give it to me.

You know, he'll stop that
once you get him fixed.

Guys, guys, stop it.

Now, I don't want either
of you getting involved.

I'm intelligent and competent

and I can handle my own affairs.

Oh, alright.
Well, you-you're right, Ashley.

You know, this is your deal,
you handle it.

I wouldn't dream of interfering.

We'll go take care of this
first thing in the morning.

Alright.

[whoops]

The pond is stocked
and I got the worm on my line.

You know what I'm saying? Whoo!

[imitating fish line whirring]

Come to papa, girl.
Get over here.

I'm going on record
as still being against this.

Models are vacant
and self-centered

and not the type
we Banks associate with.

I'll pay you $20 a piece
for your phone numbers.

Miss Pemberton will see you now.

Thirty. And when I call, you
don't even have to say anything.

Huh? Huh? Fifty.

Look, the show is tomorrow night
and we need a makeup man.

I'm sorry,
but going to the funeral

is not gonna bring
your mother back, is it?

Be there.

[chuckles]
Miss Pemberton.

Don't say another word.

Turn your head to the right.

- Should I cough or something?
- Shh!

Strong features. Oh.

- Good frame.
- Yeah.

Yes. Oh. Yes.
Oh, and I love the ears.

Don't change them.

Handsome, but real.

Like you were West Philadelphia
born and raised.

You're hired.

I'm not sure about you.

But you might be right
for the husky pre-teen division.

Huh?

That's, that's pretty funny,
Jewel.

But, no, we're actually here
to discuss Ashley Banks.

Look, Pemberton, we've both been
around the block

and the bottom line is,
this contract is no can do.

- Oh, it's a standard contract.
- Oh, well, that's very true.

But Ashley
is not your standard model.

I mean, she has a real sh*t at
being the next Naomi Campbell.

Uh, Naomi wouldn't be around
by any chance, would she?

Let's cut to the chase, J.P.

Twenty percent
is out of the question.

You give our client a
contract
we can live with or we walk.

Oh, so it's the 20 percent
that bothers you.

Well, then how does
ten percent sound?

No, no, no, no, no.
How about five?

You know what,
now that I think about it.

Why should
we get anything at all?

Boom-bi-ya. Sound like we all
on the same page here.

Hey, so when she start modeling?

When she finds another agent.

Tell your client she's fired.

We could live with ten.

(Will)
'One, two, three. Hey, Ashley'

[b*at-boxing]

'Will and Carlton are sorry.'

[b*at-boxing]

Hey, kitty cat, hey, kitty cat
Hey, kitty cat.

Help, help me out

[b*at-boxing]

♪ We care about you very much ♪

♪ Please please please ♪

♪ Please forgive us ♪

Will, stop it.

[b*at-boxing continues]

'Will!'

Please. I'm going to work now.

Not to the glamorous career
I've always dreamed of.

No, thanks to you, I'll be
working at Dippity Do Dog

until I'm dippity dead.

(Carlton)
'I think it worked.'

'I think she's feeling
much better.'

I think you've been smoking
a little bit

too much of that cat nip.

Hey, you take that back.

Carlton, it's over.

It's not over.

What does he mean it's over?
It can't be over.

Philip, it's Valentine's Day.

Valentine's Day?

I knew that.
And we'll still be together.

What about the ballet?

Well, now I didn't know
it was gonna conflict

with the Republican fundraiser.

Now this isn't something
that we should miss.

But a night
alone with your wife is.

Vivian, you're being unfair.

I didn't know about this
until a little while ago.

Unfair?
I'll tell you what's unfair.

For the past few months, we've
had absolutely no time together.

We finally get some time
together and you cancel.

I know. I know, sweetheart.

[phone ringing]

It's just things are
a little hectic right now.

Things are always hectic,
Philip.

But you always seem to find
time for your career.

Sir, there's a Mr. Joe Winters
on the phone.

- He says it's urgent.
- This is urgent.

I know, sweetheart,
and I'll be right back.

Thank you, Geoffrey.

Geoffrey, would lay my
clothes
out for this evening

and get some flowers
and candy here ASAP.

That man is on thin ice.

I'll alert the fish.

(Jewel)
'Regina.'

Regina!

Regina, we have a show in four
hours and nothing is ready.

Is everyone out to make my life
a living hell?

You there, you're fired.

Oh, that helped.

- Hey. How you doing?
- We're back.

Ah. It's management or us.

Whose career are you
ruining today?

Ha! That was, that was funny.

No, but, no, actually,
we're, we're here

to talk to you about
Ashley Banks.

We were hoping you would
consider re-signing her.

And why would I do that?

I'm telling you, Ashley is on
her way to the top.

I mean, she could be
the next Naomi Campbell.

Uh, speaking of which, Naomi
wouldn't be around, would she?

Look,
you've gotta take her back.

She's my sister and she's
really, really mad at me.

Okay, look,
I'm a reasonable person.

I'll take Ashley back for you

but you have got to do
something for me.

I'm gonna fade into
the background if you don't

get some highlighter
on my cheekbones.

Use number seven.
And, blend, man, blend.

Sorry. Excuse me.

Oh, you guys look..

...great.

Hey. Oh, so, so, what do we do?

We just, you know,
go out there and walk
around?

Just walk around?
Did Voltaire just write?

Did Klimt just paint?
Did Heidegger just think?

[laughing]

I guess we just go out there
and walk around.

Ah, Vivian, in the short time
I've known your husband

I can say he's a fine man.

You would know, you've probably
spent a lot more time

with him than I have lately.

Ah, ha, ha. Hasn't she got
a great sense of humor?

[laughing]

You two make a great couple.

I'm just glad
you're Republicans.

[laughing]

Well, Joe, Vivian and I
are both thrilled to be
here.

Aren't we, sweetie?

[laughing]

Okay, guys. Your outfits are on
the rack right here, okay?

Great.
Wh-where are the dressing rooms?

You're in them. No, no, Margy.

Wrong outfit.
You're in the purple.

Uh, Will, l..

...I, I have
a little problem with this.

You see, I'm a bit uncomfortable
with nudity.

Oh, don't worry, Carlton.

We're all uncomfortable
with your nudity.

It's like Colin Powell said

"Family values are
the foundation

of the American way of
life."

Ah. I couldn't agree
with you more, Joe.

I mean, the real tragedy
in America today is that

our youth aren't being given
any sense of direction

by their parents.

There's just no
communication.

And what do you think, Vivian?

Oh, I don't have to think.

Philip has decided to do

all of the thinking
for both of us.

[laughing]

Okay, people. Showtime.

[laughing]

You guys are gonna do great.

Now, remember.
It's walk, walk, turn, walk.

- Flip, rotate, walk, turn.
- Right.

And remember, no smiling.

- Let's go.
- Wait, wait, wait. Will?

Um, it's flip, turn,
walk, rotate?

No, no, no, no.

It's flip, rotate, turn, walk.

You know, Phil, everything
that you've been saying

resonates with the people
in our community.

That's why we're so thrilled
that you've decided to run.

What?

[upbeat music]

[applauding]

Now there's some kids with
no family values, huh, Phil?

I couldn't agree with you more.

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.

[music continues]

[screaming]

[all screaming]

[laughing]

Do you have any idea,
what you could've

cost me this evening, huh?

Did you even consider
my feelings

before you went prancing out
there on that stage?

- Philip.
- Wait, Vivian.

Do you have any sense of the
embarrassment that I
suffered?

- No.
- But we were all wearing--

Nobody embarrassed you, Philip.

And the only one
who's not considering

other people's feelings
in this house is you.

Coming, Geoffrey.

Just stay where you are.

- Leave.
- I said, stay.

- Leave us alone.
- Go, go, go.

Bye-bye, bye-bye, bye-bye.

How dare you stick up
for those kids

after what they put us through?

Speak for yourself, Philip.

The only one
who is putting me through

anything is you.

Now, what is that
supposed to mean?

It means how dare
you agree to go

into politics
without consulting me

knowing the way I feel about it.

I was gonna tell you about
it.

When? When we move
into the governor's mansion?

Oh, now we're getting a
little
ahead of ourselves, aren't
we?

- You know, but-but--
- Philip, this is not a joke.

I want my husband back.

Now for the past few months,
you have been promising

not only me, but this entire
family more time

more attention, more you.

Vivian, this is
a great opportunity.

- For whom?
- For all of us.

Nope. Wrong. For you.

Vivian, you've lost perspective.

Now, if you think about this,
you'll see how great it is.

The only thing I see is that

somewhere along the way
usbecame you.

And frankly,
I'm not gonna take it anymore.

And what is that
supposed to mean?

It means I'm going
to my sister's house

until you figure out
what's important to you.

- What?
- Goodbye.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]