09x09 - The Swimmer

[bunniefuu]

-On each stroke,
you plant your feet

And you lock your
knees out, you got it?

-Got it.

I really want to
get this down

Before my first
stunt instruction.

Ugh, then maybe I can
show off a little.

-So you found an
instructor, huh?

Stroke.

-Yeah, he's coming
tomorrow on my day off.

Stroke.

-That's great.

You're a natural athlete,

You'll pick it up in no time.

Stroke!

Now, when we're on our way in

And we catch a wave,

You're going to want
to ship your oars like this.

-Okay, then you're going
to come up with me to the stern.

Our weight's going to
act like a rudder

And it's the only thing that's
going to keep us from broaching.

-Okay.

Wait, what's broaching?

-It's when we turn
sideways in the wave.

-A bad thing.

-Yeah. Very bad and very wet.

You ready to try?

-Yeah, let's do it.

-Okay.

Stroke, stroke,

Stroke, stroke,

Stroke, that's it.

So, who do you like at baywatch?

-I like everybody.

-I mean the guys.

-Oh.

Cody is such a cutie.

Stroke.

I think j.d.'S hot.

-Too young for me.

-Young? They're
older than you are!

-Yeah, but I like older men.

You know, more mature.

-Like, how old? 30?

-Hm, older.

-Wow. That's like
dating your dad!

Come on, I need a name!

-I don't kiss and tell.

[Laughing]

-All right, we're heading
into the drop zone.

You remember what to do?

-Uh...

-Ship your oars.

-Right.

-Come into the stern.

-Oh my god.

-Oh! Broaching!

-First class!

♪ Some people stand
in the darkness ♪

♪ Afraid to step
into the light ♪

♪ Some people need
to help somebody ♪

♪ With the edge of
surrenders in sight ♪

♪ Don't you worry

♪ It's going to be alright

♪ Cause I'm always ready

♪ I won't let you
out of my sight ♪

♪ I'll be ready

♪ I'll be ready

♪ Never you fear

♪ Oh, don't you fear

♪ I'll be ready

♪ Forever and always

♪ I'm always here

-Cody: amf 295,

This is scarab one.

We got jumpers off
the redondo pier.

-J.d.: Go around
to the other side.

-Cody: get ready,
you're going in!

I'll be right behind you.

-J.d.: Hold on.

All right, hang on.

Grab the boat.

Here you go.

I'm going back down.

-Cody: we got you!

-Jessie: april, can
I ask you a question?

-April: sure,
jessie, what's up?

-You ever wish
you weren't so...

So squeaky clean?

-Squeaky clean?

-Yeah, you know.

You're, like, that perfect,
like, all-american,

Girl next door, little
miss apple pie...

-Ugh, well you are too.

-[Chuckling] yeah.

But, I've just
been looking and...

You know the guys they go
more for that, like, hot girl.

-Hot?

-Yeah, the dangerous kind.

You know, with that
come hither stare

And that, "you aren't
ready for me yet" look?

Hot!

-Yeah, well, I don't know
if I could be that type.

I don't know how!

-Yeah, but I think it'd
be fun, like, to try.

Don't you?
-Yeah.

-Just once.

♪ Red lips and a deadly kiss

♪ I need a taste all of your passion

♪ You got the blood pumping
♪ through my veins

♪ You got a dangerous attraction

♪ Ain't no rules in the game of love ♪

♪ And girl you know you play it well

♪ One look at your body babe

♪ And now I'm underneath your spell

♪ You're driving me wild
♪ girl set me free

♪ Skin tight dress got me on knees

♪ Make a grown man cry
♪ yeah I'm begging please

♪ Baby have mercy, mercy on me

♪ Your hips on my finger tips

♪ I wanna make that fantasy happen

♪ Lethal curves let the fire burn

♪ I wanna get some of that action

♪ Ain't no rules in the game of love ♪

♪ And girl you know you play it well

♪ One look at your body babe

♪ And now I'm underneath your spell

♪ You're driving me wild
♪ girl set me free

♪ Skin tight dress got me on knees

♪ Make a grown man cry
♪ yeah I'm begging please

♪ Baby have mercy, mercy on me

♪ You're driving me wild
♪ girl set me free

♪ Skin tight dress got me on knees

♪ Make a grown man cry
♪ yeah I'm begging please

♪ Baby have mercy
♪ mercy on me

♪ You're driving me wild
♪ girl set me free

♪ Skin tight dress got me on knees

♪ Make a grown man cry
♪ yeah I'm begging please

♪ Baby have mercy ♪
♪ mercy on me

-So what do you think about--
-[laughing]

-Hey guys, I think you
deserve the medal of valor.

-Are you kidding?

Nah, it was no big deal.

-Two cops and a little girl?

It's a damn big deal,
I'll nominate you.

-You guys are heroes.

-Aw, come on, we were
just doing our jobs.

You guys all would've
done the same thing.

-Well then I'd want
a medal of valor.

-[Laughing]

-Morning everybody.

Tower assignments:

Cody, 12,

J.d., Tower 14,

April, you're at 8,

Craig, buddy, you're at zuma,

And newmie, you're on patrol.

Have a good one, huh!?

-I almost forgot,
neely sent this to me.

I thought you might
like to see it.

-Thanks.

Picture was ashley,
the memory was hobie

And what it means to be a dad.

You know, looking
back, you realize

Those really were
the good old days,

And you wish you
could do it all again.

-Newmie: hey, mitch!

-Oh, hey. Hey newmie.

-Where were you just now?

-Memory lane, memory lane.

I just suddenly
remembered how much

-I missed having ashley
around the house.

And now with hobie
gone, it's uh,

Pretty quiet there these days.

-Well, sounds like
empty nest syndrome.

It happens. Get a pet.

-I might.

Where'd you get yours?

-What?

-On your head.

-Oh, it's a hairpiece.
-It's a chipmunk.

-Hey, well I'm betting the
girls will think it's hot.

-Girl chipmunks,
maybe, but uh, newmie,

Why the hell are you
wearing that thing?

-Carrie.

She's been coming down to the
beach for a couple weeks now.

I just want her to notice me.

What do you think?

Is it me?

-It's you, with a
chipmunk on your head.

-Whatever works.

-Newmie, you are not
going to get that girl

With that thing
on your head.

-Why don't we
discuss your string

Of romantic
successes, shall we?

-Mm, ugh,
all right, all right.

Hey listen, do me
a favor will ya?

Take these to
headquarters?

I'm gonna swim the
towers and, uh, stay low.

Hunting season begins today.

My own personal
form of therapy

Has always been
swimming the towers.

You get into a rhythm that
invariably clears the mind.

You come out refreshed and
ready to take on the world.

Hey, jess!

-Hey, mitch!

-What are you doing?

-This is my stunt instructor.

-No, that is ed symes.

He's a medical
supply salesman.

-And a qualified
stunt instructor.

How you doing, big guy?

-Qualified?

Where'd you find him?

-In the yellow pages.

-Yeah, stunts r us.

Well, actually, stunts r me.

It's kind of a one
man operation, huh.

But I'm the
best in hollywood.

-Yeah, did you see that
new bruce willis film?

The one where he falls
out of the skyscraper?

That's not really
bruce, that's ed!

-Well, actually I was the
guy that that guy fell on.

But we got the sh*t
in three takes.

Hey, you out to see me fall
down a flight of stairs.

Nobody does it better.

-Doesn't surprise me.

You didn't pay him
any money, did ya?

-Yeah, but it's worth it.

He's gonna teach me all
the trick of the trade.

-No, he's already tricked you.

-No, he was just teaching
me how to sell the punch.

Come on.

-Yeah, come on big guy, hit me.

-Yeah.
-Don't tempt me.

-No, man, you'll come within

An eighth of an
inch of my face.

See, it's all based on
physics, kinetics, and torque.

Okay, come on,
come on, hit me.

-No!

-All right jessie, well
you come on and hit me.

Here's what I
want you to do,

I want you to take a
punch across me like this

And I'll snap my head back.

It'll look exactly like
it does on the screen, okay?

So, ready? Hit me.

-Ahh, god!

Are you okay?

I'm so sorry!

-I forgot to factor in
the prevailing winds.

-Oh, are you okay?

-No, he is an idiot.

-Are you gonna be okay?
-Wow.

-Oh, I'm so sorry.

-I see monkeys.

-Mitch: seeing ed symes again

-Put me right
back in the water.

But, by the time I
swam to april's tower

I was back to thinking
positive thoughts.

Hey.
-Hey! Swimming the towers?

-Yeah, just trying to
get rid of the blues.

-What's wrong?
-Oh, I don't know.

I'm all alone in this
big, quiet house.

I'm lonesome.

-Get a cat.

-What's that?
-What?

-That smile.
Something happen?

-Yeah, I think I'm in love.

-Really, with whom?

-Well I don't want to
say until I know for sure,

-But we have a great
time together.

-Come on, come on,
you can tell me.

I'm your boss.

-April: first we had
dinner on the jetty.

He set up a table,
there were candles.

It was so romantic.

Afterwards, we decided to go
for a swim in the moonlight.

-Mitch: ah, the
moonlight swim.

-April: it was the
most exciting night

I'd ever spent with anybody.

♪ Our shadows danced in rhythm

♪ From the star

♪ A silhouette seduction

♪ You have my heart

♪ All I want...

♪ Is you

♪ All I want...

♪ Is you

♪ All I want...

♪ Is you

♪ All I want...

♪ Is you

-Mitch: so who was it?

-April: I told you
I'm not gonna tell you.

At least until I'm
sure that it's real.

-Well, sounds to me like
you're already pretty sure.

-Well there's a
problem, he's older.

-Hm, how much older?

-Older. Your age.

-Ugh. Antique, huh?

-No, I don't
mean that, it's just...

Well I've never felt this
way before and I'm afraid.

-Sounds to me like you're
falling in love, kiddo.

That's exactly how
you're supposed to feel.

-No, it's...

I just don't want
to lose it, mitch.

-Well if you don't
take the risk,

You won't have it to lose.

-Yeah, I guess so. Thanks.

-On the house.

Uh, got to go.

It always lifts your spirits

Talking to someone
who's in love.

She wouldn't
reveal her secret,

But I had a clue
as to who it was.

-Hey!

-Hey, what are you up to?

-Ah, just a little
soul-searching.

How come you didn't make
the poker game last night?

-I was busy.
-Really?

I hope she was worth it,

I really missed
taking your money.

-Oh, maybe you'll
get it next week.

And maybe she was worth it.

-What's her name?

-Eh, it doesn't matter.

You know it's probably
not gonna work out

And truth is it scares
me half to death.

-Even a seasoned veteran
like craig pomeroy.

-After my divorce from gina,

Well hearts get broken.

I don't think I ever want
to go through that again.

-After gayle and
I got divorced,

The thought of
getting involved

With another woman was
out of the question.

But you know what?

It goes away, buddy.

So go for it, give it a try.

-Nah, it's too soon.

Too risky, I mean what if?

-What if, what if?

There's always a if.

It's called life.

I mean for god's sakes,

There's an "if" right in the
middle of the word life.

-That's incredibly corny
and I've heard it before.

-Not that part about "if" in
the middle of the word life,

'Cause i-- I just
made that up.

-Well then that's pretty good.

-Thank you, I thought so.

-You're welcome.

[Engine revving]

-Look at that boat.

[Woman screaming]

-Come on, let's go!

Look like the
throttle's jammed.

Come on, let's go!

-April: it's
okay, hang in there.

-Mitch: get as
close as you can.

Okay, all right. Ah!

All right, there you go.

You all right?
-Yeah.

All right. Put this
around you, stay warm.

-April: hey, can I bum a ride?

-Next time, don't forget
to wear your leash, huh?

This kills the
engine, all right?

-Okay.

-Craig: hey last night?

-I loved it.
-Me, too.

-Well, well, well.

If I were you two, I'd
definitely take the risk.

Well what a surprise.

Hey, if it works for
them it works for me.

As long as it
makes you happy.

Hey!

-Hey, mitch, what are
you doing out there?

I been watching you for hours.

-Ah, just working
some things out.

Listen, you need to fill
out an incident report

On that rescue you made.

-Yeah, sure, no big deal.

-You want to fill me in?

-Sure. We didn't even know
what we were looking at

Until we got down there.

Cody knew the little
girls were top priority,

So he got me to swim 'em up,

You know, about a second
before they were goners.

They were safe so I went
back down to help cody out.

Cody was on top of things.

Those uniforms the cops
had on were waterlogged.

I mean, they were drowning.

I started helping him
yank their clothes off.

I just followed his lead.

Then we got 'em
up, simple really.

-Didn't sound simple to me.

Sounds like a terrific rescue.

-Yeah?
-Yeah.

-Well, it was mostly cody.

I just did what I get
paid to do, save lives.

-Do me a favor, check
with me after your shift

And, uh, sign the report, huh?

-Okay.

Like I said, it
was mostly cody.

-Yeah.

-Piece of cake for me.

-See ya.

-You know, sweetheart,

The high fall is one of
the movies' classic stunts.

-Are you sure you
know what you're doing?

-Oh, I'm a pro, lamb chop.

Listen, a stunt man
leaves nothing to chance.

This is an art form
and I'm an artist.

You stick by my side and
you'll learn something.

-Okay.

-See that mattress is down
there to break your fall,

But there's a few things
you got to compute:

Your height, your weight,

The angle of descent, the
gravity configuration.

Are you taking
notes, by the way?

-No, but I'm with you.

-And, of course,
we can't forget

The prevailing
winds this time.

-Uh, you know, I really don't
think you should do this.

-Come on, this is
basic stunts 101.

Look, I tell you what.

Let's say you're
the camera, okay?

And we're at the top of
the empire state building

And tom cruise is-- is being
chased by some bad guy,

And he's got a Kn*fe.

And tom cruise doesn't
know what to do,

And the music comes up,

Dum, dum, dum,
dum, dum, dum.

And all of a sudden,
for no reason,

He just jumps up like
this on the railing, okay?

All right, and
then what happens?

Cut. And weenie, wimpy
actor tom cruise steps down

And stunt man
extraordinaire, ed symes,

Steps in to double him.

Okay, now go ahead
and sh**t me.

-Um, you know, I
really don't think

This is such a good idea.

-Oh, it's a great idea.

Come on now, sh**t me.

Come on, just
sh**t me. sh**t me!

-Bang.
-Ooh!

-Ah!
-Ed: uh-oh.

-Oh my gosh, are you okay?

Hey, are you okay?

-Oh, yeah.
Absolutely, absolutely.

-Ed, don't take
this personally?

-Okay.
-But you're fired.

-What? Why would you fire me?

-To save your life.

-Well, wait a minute.

We-- we could discuss this.

I mean, after all, I just...

Hey, oh, oh.

I think I'll lie down
for just a little while.

-Mitch: my next
stop was cody's tower

So I could get his version
of the pier rescue.

There's something
about j.d.'S version

That didn't seem quite right.

-Cody: hey! Doing
the tower swim, huh?

-I talked to j.d.

A pretty hairy
pier rescue, huh?

-Nah, piece of cake.

-Really?

-Yeah.
-That's what he said.

-I just did what
he told me to do.

-Well he told me he
followed your lead

And that you took charge.

-No. He knew what
to do right away.

From the get-go, j.d. Saw that
the cops were in trouble.

Their uniforms were
totally waterlogged, man.

They probably weighed
300 pounds in the water.

J.d. Knew that the little
girls came first.

He grabbed them
and then signaled

For me to yank the
clothes off the cops.

-So you're telling me that j.d.

Assumed command of
the rescue, not you?

-Yeah. Listen, I'd love
to be in the spotlight,

But it was j.d. Who did
all the right stuff.

-Okay. Do me a favor.

Fill out an
incident report, eh?

-You got it.

-All right, see ya.
-Go get 'em.

-Why'd you tell mitch I was
some kind of big-time hero?

-Why'd you tell him I was?

-'Cause you were the man, j.d..

-Hey, we both just
did what we had to do.

It's no biggie.

-No, but maybe
it was, you know?

I mean, both craig and april

Want to nominate us
for the medal of valor,

Getting us all pumped up?

Maybe we earned it.

-Nah, it's all
part of the job.

It was nothing special.

-Ah, maybe you're right.

Medals of valor belong
to the real pros,

The mitches, the newmies.

-We're not half the
lifeguards those guys are.

-Someday, maybe.

-Yeah, someday.

-Well, at least we
can dream, you know?

-Yup. And sometimes
dreams come true.

Got to go. Hey, you
were good down there.

-You, too. I'll see ya.

-Mitch: by this time,
as you can imagine,

I'm getting pretty tired.

But still, this cody-j.d.
Thing didn't make any sense.

Why were they making each
other out to be the hero?

Then I realized I
wasn't alone out there.

What the heck was a dog doing
that far off from shore?

Well, a rescue is a rescue,
and I am a lifeguard.

So, I came to his aid.

Hey, hey, hey, hey buddy.

What are you doing
so far out here, huh?

[Dog whining]
huh?

You're really far off
shore, are you okay?

You just take it easy because
I am an la county lifeguard,

And I'm going
to save you, okay?

Let's go.

Hey, that a boy.

Let's go.

Yeah, that a boy.

Yeah, that a boy.

And just like that I
had a new best friend.

Yeah, you're all right, pal.

Let's get you dried off here,

You'll be as good as new.

3Hey, how's your
stunt instructor?

-Ugh, you don't want to be
an I told you so, do you?

-Nope, but
I told you so.

-Hey, who you got here?

-I don't know, he
doesn't have a collar.

I found him treading
water just offshore.

-Did he just swim out there?

-Maybe. Maybe he
fell off a boat or...

Maybe some moron
threw him overboard.

Anyway he's nameless
and homeless.

-Aw.
[Dog whimpering]

-Uh, do me a favor, would you,

And watch him for
a couple minutes?

-Yeah, sure. Happy to.

Baby, I'm going to
love on you, okay?

-What?

-You look like
bob's big boy.

What happened,
chipmunk die?

-I walked past her
three times on purpose.

She didn't even notice me.

-This, you notice.

Why don't you
just be yourself?

-I have been.

Not so much as a smile.

-Newmie, you're trying to
be someone that you're not.

-Yeah? Well just
who am I anyway, huh?

I'm just some lifeguard getting
old and bald on the beach.

I don't know, I'm thinking
about going back to school.

Getting a real job,
becoming somebody important.

-I felt the same way,
except for the bald part.

I wondered if I was someone
who really mattered.

Someone who did
something with his life.

Or did I wanna wake
up one day, an old man

In red shorts, asking
myself this question:

Mitch buchannon, are
you an important person?

Did you make a contribution?

Big question.

-What was the answer?

-Hell yes.

I work with people
who need me.

I save lives.

I could take another job
and make a million dollars,

But no amount of money can
give you the feeling you get

When you save someone's life.

You know that feeling, newmie.

-I do.

Hm, and I like it.

I'm a lifeguard.

-You're a lifeguard!

-I'm newmie.

--You're newmie!

That thing's crawling away.

-Oh, got it.

♪ Bring it on

♪ Bring it on

♪ Bring it on

♪ Bring it on

♪ Who do you think you are

♪ I'm gonna take you down

♪ Yeah who do you think you are

♪ I'm gonna break you down

♪ I've got it comin'

♪ I'm on my game

♪ I've got you runnin'

♪ I'm on my game

♪ Bring it on

♪ Bring it on

♪ Bring it on

-Yeah!

-Yeah!

-Cody: all right here
he comes, act cool.

Hey man! How was
the tower swim?

-Great.

So you guys figured out the
pier rescue scenario, yet?

-Both: yeah. He's the hero.

-Yeah, we figured
that we both did it.

-Good.

-Uh, mitch.
-Yeah?

-Uh, it was a
pretty good rescue.

-Yeah, it was.

-Uh, mitch?
-What?

4-Uh, it's funny because
both craig and april

Thought it was good
enough to be nominated

For the medal of valor.

-They did?

-Yeah, uh, but
we told them no.

-Good call.
-But, uh...

We changed our minds.

-Yeah, we'd like
to be nominated for
the medal of valor.

But we need a nominator.

-And you want me to
nominate you guys?

-Both: yeah.

-Have you thought this through?

-Yeah, what do you mean?

-If it got out
that those two cops

Had to be rescued
in their underwear,

They'd be the laughing stock
of the entire police force.

-You think?

-Put yourself in their shoes.

How would you feel?

You can't embarrass them

By making this rescue
public knowledge.

Besides that, might as well
paint a bullseye on your back

For every traffic
cop in santa monica.

-You're right.

-Yeah, we know what we did.

It's good enough.
-Yeah.

-Good. I'm going to
climb the stairs now.

Is that okay?

-Both: sure.
-Thank you.

-Come here.

Oh, look, there's your daddy!

-Hey, how's it going partner?

-No way. He's back.

Oh my gosh, how do you
get rid of this guy?

-I'll tell you when
I figure it out.

Let's go. Maybe we
can double-team him.

-Okay.

-Ed?
-What?

-Ed?
-Hey, big guy!

You're just in time for
my next extravaganza.

-We need to talk to you.

-Hey, you know what a
stunt man's motto is?

-No.

-Why go through a door when
you can go through a window?

Thats what stunt
men always say,

And, well I am a stunt man.

Hey, what do you think
of the old set here, too?

It's the old western saloon
thing, I built it myself.

-Yeah, yeah, it's really nice.

But look, jessie
wants her money back.

-Yeah.

-Uh, well, I'm afraid
I can't do that.

I got it all invested in
the set and my wardrobe.

But I am gonna demonstrate

How to go through
a glass window,

Just like they
do in the movies.

Course there is a
little secret to it,

I bet you don't know
that, little darlin'.

-Yeah, the glass is
made out of candy?

-Uh, yeah, well so
much for secrets.

Hey look, this bottle is
made out of candy as well.

The temperature has to be
exactly right when you make it.

Hot, cool, it's very critical.

I made this one here.

Now what I want you to do

Is just hit me on
the head with it.

-No, I don't want to.

-It's just candy glass,
so it won't hurt anything.

Just cr*ck the
thing over my head.

1Go ahead, hit me.

-Go ahead.

-Hit me on the head!

I'm all right, I'm all right.

Just cooked that one
a little too long.

Ah, I'm gonna show
you the proper way now

To dive through a
plate glass window.

-I don't want to watch this.

-Classic, hollywood
movie stunt.

Get ready, here I come.

-Ed? Ed?

You okay?

-Uh, yeah. I'm all right.

-I'm okay. Yeah,
I'm all right.

-Mitch: what are you doing?

-Hey!
-Not bad!

-Hey, sweetie, with a little
practice you can be okay!

-Yay!

-News reporter:
and this afternoon,

In a ceremony in santa monica,

Motor officer milford
and motor officer lindsey

Were rewarded by the mayor.

-J.d.: Those two cops?
We saved their butts!

-What's up, guys?

-You tell us.
-Yeah.

-The motor offices saved
not only two young girls

From drowning off
the redondo pier,

But also saved the lives
of two baywatch lifeguards

Who face certain death
by drowning as well.

For their courage
and heroic action,

The two men were
awarded the esteemed

Medal of valor.

Reporting from santa monica--

-Boy, am I late, I got to go.

-Hey little lady, how
about me teaching you

How to do some roping?

-Ed, get off the tower, now!

-Every good stunt person's
gotta know how to ride and rope!

-I mean it, ed, get down!

-Run you little
varmint, run, run!

Uh-oh.

-Oh!
-Oh, oh, oh.

-Oh!
-I'm okay!

I'm fine!

I'm just fine!

I'm all right!

-Mitch: go, ed!

-Ed: I'm just fine!

I'm fine!

Well I've given everybody
advice all day long today, pal.

And tonight,
everybody's got someone.

And I got you.

Well, nameless,
it's you and me pal.

You don't snore, do you?

[End theme song playing]