Okay, so we all like this bar,
and we're all interested
in getting more into wine.
- Agreed?
- ALL: Agreed.
Well, I think to ensure that
this remains the go-to spot,
we need to set some ground rules.
I'll go first.
Ground rule number one.
Noah cannot date
anybody that works here.
Okay. Okay, yeah, I can do that.
Ground rule number two,
Noah cannot introduce himself
to anyone who works here.
- It's a slippery slope.
- Mm-hmm.
Then the bartenders are
gonna think I'm mean.
Okay, then just the tip them more.
Ooh, I got one.
Ground rule number three,
Noah can't even date
anyone in the immediate area,
'cause that'll prevent awkward run-ins.
How are we defining the immediate area?
Fantastic question.
Ground rule number four,
the immediate area
is a one-mile radius.
- For real?
- Yes.
- I like that.
- Come on, y'all.
Can we please make up a
ground rule about someone else?
Okay, this one's for all of us.
Ground rule number five,
if anybody complains
about the ground rules,
they got to buy a round.
- That's it right there.
- I see what you did there.
But no one else is gonna complain
because all the ground
rules are about me.
Sounds like a complaint to me.
Damn it, I just bought this round.
Another complaint, another round.
- This is unfair.
- Another one.
I'm gonna stop because
I cannot afford this.
- It's just that y'all...
ALL: Another one.
♪ Whoop, whoop ♪
♪ Cabernet and sauvignon ♪
♪ Team is here and now it's on ♪
♪ Carry on and Carignan,
sippin' on Perignon ♪
♪ Fine wine, got notes like a cello ♪
♪ Pull up in the spot like hello ♪
♪ If you got me, then I got you ♪
♪ This is the vibe, this is the crew ♪
♪ Grand crew, grand crew, uh ♪
♪ Grand crew, grand
crew, grand crew, uh ♪
Okay, I'd like to make a toast.
Alicia is gone and in her stead
is the mythical, single Noah,
a creature not seen in many moons.
Bask in this moment,
for soon he shall
return to his true form,
Monogamous Man.
Monogamous Man.
Very funny, but, you know,
I've been single before,
and I'm not always looking for love.
Okay, stop the show. I'm your sister.
- I've seen you in the tub.
- What's that mean?
We were bucky as babies together.
I know your truth.
You are always trying to be boo'd up.
That's why you are so
obsessed with rom-coms.
You think they're how life should be.
So what? I may prefer companionship,
and I have a taste for
romantically-based films.
What is so bad about that?
Remember your "Love
& Basketball" fiasco?
- I'll play you.
- For what?
Your heart.
[HIP-HOP MUSIC]
It's over!
Get out of my life!
She was a starter for UConn.
What were you thinking?
That love would win in the end.
You're dumb.
You need to stop looking for love
every second of the day.
You need to learn how to love yourself.
- You know what you need.
- What?
Self-care.
I self-care constantly.
- You do?
- Yeah, I do.
As a matter of fact,
I'm taking myself out
to lunch tomorrow.
Just me and an empty seat
across from the table.
And you know what? I was thinking
I'll maybe even do a Sudoku.
[ALL OOHING]
What up, what up, my family?
[ALL GREETING]
What's going on?
Oh.
Anthony.
Sherman.
- What was that?
- Explain that.
I'm just saying hey to my friend.
Nah, look at your posture.
Y'all are too erect.
- Something's up.
- Fine.
This afternoon, I caught
Anthony here in the bathroom.
- Naked?
- Worse.
Oh, God. Are you crying?
[SNIFFLES] Look away.
I don't understand. So crying is worse
than seeing someone's genitalia?
Way worse. He saw
my emotional genitalia.
It's one thing to cry on your own,
but in front of the homey?
Nah. Real Gs cry in silence.
Back up. Why were you crying?
I had just watched "Paddington ."
The kid's movie with the talking bear?
- BOTH: It has adult themes.
- Thank you, Noah.
That damn bear really
made me feel some things.
Y'all are being
ridiculous. This is silly.
Man, you ain't seen what I've seen.
Can't shake the sight.
Those bare, glistening, wet cheeks
on his face.
You said they weren't that wet.
I lied.
[GROOVY b*at]
- Noah.
- Nicky.
Hi. What are you doing here?
Well, I was in the area. I
remembered your little lunch.
I figured I'd drop by and say hi.
- Hi.
- Aww.
That's really nice of you.
Um, I would offer you a seat,
but unfortunately, I'm here
on a date, uh, with myself.
Let me introduce you. Myself, Nicky.
- Nicky, myself.
- Drop the act.
You're here trying to meet a girl.
No, the only person I'm
interested in meeting
is a better me.
- What are you doing?
- Sherlocking your ass.
You got a weathered moleskin
to make yourself seem artistic,
an untouched salad to
indicate healthy eating habits,
a summer scarf to
project wealth and class.
Oh, we got a book.
"She Comes First" to indicate
unselfish bedroom habits.
So what? I did all that stuff for me.
- Of course, that makes sense.
- Yeah, right?
- It does.
- Then explain this.
A strategically placed
driver's license on the ground
in hopes that a beautiful
woman will pick it up
and return it to you.
Admit it. You're not self-caring.
You're meet-cuteing. Ha-ha.
[IN BRITISH ACCENT]
You've been caught, sir.
Fine! You got me.
What do you want me to
say, that I came here
looking for love, and
I can't help myself?
But you know what?
I don't regret it. I would
do it again if I could.
- It makes me feel alive.
- Oh, no, no.
Noah. Look at yourself.
All of this, ooh.
- It's really sad.
- Oh, please.
You're making me sound like I'm crazy.
- I am fine.
- Hi, I think you dropped...
That's not meant for you!
- Sherm.
- Anthony.
Why is it that every
time I open a damn door,
you're on the other side?
Wyatt asked me to help put
together some new furniture.
Same. Well, where is he, then?
Uh, he said he was running behind.
He'd be out on a few.
Word.
- So nice weather today.
- Yeah.
- Like, degrees.
- Mm.
% humidity, partly cloudy...
Look, man, this is awkward as hell.
I'ma go to the bathroom.
When I come back, try
not to be so damn weird.
- How do I do that?
- I don't know!
Just try it.
[CRYING]
[BOTH SCREAM]
Not again. More crying?
Don't look at my face.
Oh, no.
Don't look at my face.
A rose for the lady.
Oh, got the whole waitstaff
in on it not too, eh?
Benjamin is rooting for
me, unlike somebody I know.
Noah, life isn't a rom-com.
If anything, it is a
psychological thriller
where at every corner,
someone's trying to trick you
or k*ll you.
Ah, but you're not exactly an expert
on successful relationships or love
with those walls of yours.
[SCOFFS] Please, I've had plenty
of successful relationships.
- Oh, have you?
- Yes.
What about Marcellus?
He treated you great.
He ate crunchy peanut
butter. He was literally insane.
Huh, okay, but also,
most of your friendships
have only lasted a matter of weeks.
- Remember Tasha?
- She moved away.
She gave me no choice.
She moved to West LA.
It's a -minute ride in traffic.
She gave me no choice.
Look, I just want you to be happy,
and I can tell that you're not.
Lest we forget, I've
seen you in the tub.
Please stop saying
that. It is so gross.
You can't do it, can you?
You can't exist without
trying to find love.
That's ridiculous. Of course I can.
Then let me show you
some real self-care
where you focus on
yourself before trying
to find somebody else.
And if you don't feel better,
you can go back to
living out your failed
straight-to-streaming
rom-com plots.
Okay. All right, I...
I suppose that couldn't hurt.
Thank you.
The first stop in our self-care journey
is diving into an elegant art form.
- Pole dancing?
- Yeah.
Self-care's all about loving yourself,
and I never love myself more
than when I'm freaking
it on the pole... for me.
Brother and sister pole
dancing together feels weird.
What's weird about it? It's just like
a normal form of exercise.
Hi, everyone. I'm Blair Saddles.
And for all my first-timers,
just know that this class
is exactly like sex.
That was hard, but surprisingly
pretty great, I'm not gonna lie.
Even though it did get kind of
weird during your solo routine.
What was weird?
[HIP-HOP MUSIC]
Yes, yes! [CHEERS]
I was working on that move for weeks.
All you were looking
at was some hard work
and determination, okay?
Okay, respect to you
and all your hard twerk.
[BOTH LAUGH]
- Oh.
- Oh.
[ROMANTIC MUSIC]
Hey, I'm sorry about that.
You're stepping on my
foot and I can't move.
Oh, my bad.
We're going. We're leaving.
- Okay, okay.
- We're leaving.
Man, what the hell
did I just walk in on?
Anthony had mentioned "Paddington ,"
so I had to see what
all the fuss was about,
and that damn bear played
a tune on my heartstrings.
It's an emotional masterpiece.
Okay, but why was you
butt-ass naked, man?
I cried so much that
my clothes got soaked.
- Huh?
- I said I cried so much
that my clothes got soaked!
- [LAUGHING]
- Man, why are you laughing?
I just remembered you saying
we were being ridiculous.
That was before Sherm
saw my big juicy ducts.
And just so you know, my tears
are not usually that thick.
Okay. Whatever.
Can we just not talk
about it anymore, please?
Yeah, yeah, we should just
build the furniture, yeah?
Nah, I think we should
go our separate ways.
- Dope, I'm down to leave.
- Yep, yep. Me too.
Awesome, bye.
[MELLOW MUSIC PLAYS]
What's up with you, Noah?
Ah, just thinking about
this girl I met earlier.
There was a spark. It's
like time stood still.
No, you stood still on
that poor girl's foot.
There was no spark.
Your heart is like a
gas station bathroom,
open hours and an absolute mess.
My heart is not like a bathroom.
It's a dirty bathroom, and clearly,
you need more self-care
'cause we haven't
broken this sappy cycle.
Hey, Nicky. Hey, Noah.
Wyatt, Anthony.
- BOTH: Sherman.
- Okay.
What the hell's going
on with you three now?
- We don't wanna talk about it.
- I saw Wyatt naked crying.
- BOTH: What?
- "Paddington ."
Wet clothes from the tears.
Ah, been there.
Paddington ain't nothing
but a Black man trying to do his best.
- Mm-hmm.
- So let me get this straight.
The three of you are
just gonna be, like,
really weird all the time.
Y'all are grown-ass children.
You know what? Nicky's right.
We're being immature. We
can be adults about this.
We need to make Sherman cry.
- Huh?
- What?
Don't you see our dynamic as friends
is hanging off a cliff by two fingers?
Things will never be the same
if we don't restore the balance.
That's right.
He's seen our emotional genitalia.
Now it's time we see his.
Sorry, fellas, but I do not cry.
Even when I was born, the
doctors thought I was dead
because I wouldn't cry,
no matter how many times
they slapped my ass.
- I just took it like a G.
- Oh, we'll see.
Because I'm still within
a -hour rental period
of a pretty emotional movie.
Oh, my God.
That "Paddington" was
truly heartwarming.
But not warm enough.
Who hurt you?
Welcome to the next stage of self-care:
positive reinforcements.
We're gonna do some affirmations.
Cool, from, like, a book or something?
Nah, these are Nicky originals.
I record them all the time.
Just repeat the phrases.
I am sexy. I am sultry.
I am sent from heaven.
BOTH: I am sexy. I am sultry.
I am sent from heaven.
[BICYCLE BELL RINGS]
[ROMANTIC MUSIC]
Is that that girl again?
I need you to focus up.
No. Focus up.
I'm a strong Black woman.
BOTH: I'm a strong Black woman.
Yes.
And after doing my affirmations,
this is where I come for stress relief.
Yeah, I was thinking more
massage tables and essential oils.
Okay, well, the axe is essential
for chopping through the BS.
Self-care, bitch!
- Yeah!
- Ah!
Yeah!
[ROMANTIC MUSIC]
Chop-chop!
And here it is, the final boss level
of self-care, the mall.
You want a manicure?
Ooh, baby, we got it.
You want a new car?
We got that too, for some reason.
What are you looking at?
There she is again.
Are you [BLEEP] kidding me?
Ooh, yes. This screams,
"I am ready to be single
for more than a second."
Come on, Nicky.
How is it possible that we've seen
the same woman everywhere we go?
I see the same Black people
all the time on the Eastside.
There's only so many of us over here.
You're not seeing what's happening
because you have a giant block of ice
where your heart should be.
Oh, okay, well, you have
a giant Nicholas Sparks novel
with two white people on the cover
where your heart should be.
Wait, Noah, are you
planting your ID again?
No, this isn't mine.
Oh, crap. It's girl.
Girl who?
"Girl from everywhere" girl.
Don't you see? It's another sign.
Her name is Fay. Fay.
Short for fate.
We got to get this back to her
before she gets on that plane.
- Wait, what plane?
- There's always a plane.
Come on, Nicky, even you have to admit
there's been too many moments to ignore.
Okay, I'll admit there's
been a few coincidences.
- So you're on board?
- I'm not on board.
At best, I'm on the
dock watching you drown.
But if you wanna go
after her, go after her.
[SIGHS] You're supposed to say,
"Go to her."
I don't talk like that.
[HIP-HOP b*at]
It's time to see those tears, Sherm.
Fellas, this is a fool's errand,
and y'all are the fools.
You've tried every sad
movie you can think of.
And don't get me wrong.
When Will Smith was
pursuing his happiness,
it got me in the gut,
just not in my eye-guts.
Okay, so movies don't make you cry,
but you know what might?
A reunion with an old friend.
One you haven't seen in ten years.
- Ron Ron?
- Hey, Sherm.
- You punk-ass bitch.
- Oh, hey!
- Hey, what's going on?
- This dude owes me money.
That's why I ain't
seen him in ten years.
But you always talking about
how you wish you could see him again.
Yeah, so I could get my damn cash.
I should bop you in the lip.
Oh, so you wanna boogie bop?
Yeah, let's bop the boogie.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa...
- Hey, hey, fellas!
Fellas, come on now. We're
supposed to be brothers.
Why you got to be like that, man?
I got your cash right here, man.
It's about damn time.
Look, I'm sorry.
I miss you, man.
I want my friend back, man.
[JAUNTY MUSIC]
Oh, no, Ron Ron. Not you.
Damn, Ron Ron.
I'm making fusilli
tonight in a cream sauce.
Get his ass out of here.
We've looked all over, Noah.
I don't think she's here anymore.
No, no, no. We can't give up.
If I've learned anything from rom-coms,
it's that this is the moment
that she should just suddenly appear.
Holy crap. You're right.
- I am?
- Yes.
- I am!
- Yes.
Aw, man, but she's on the move.
I have an idea.
Come on, come on, come on.
Sir, excuse me. Sir,
we need your golf cart.
- Yes.
- The hell you talking about?
I'm not gonna give you my golf cart.
It's for love.
We'll give you money.
Well, why didn't you say so?
Go get her.
- Thank you, sir.
- Thank you.
Um, excuse me. [HORN HONKS]
- Whoa, whoa!
- Hey!
- Pardon me.
- [SCREAMS]
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
That one's on you.
We weren't even anywhere near you.
Damn it. Where is she?
There she is.
- Come on, let's move.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- There she is!
- Thank God.
♪ You make my dreams come true ♪
- ♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
- ♪ Me, you, me, you, me ♪
You got a problem, buddy?
[HIP-HOP MUSIC]
Oh, Sherman!
- What are y'all doing now?
- You left us no choice
but to burn your
favorite pair of sneakers.
Are y'all for real?
There's a tear. We have a tear.
- Ha, we did it!
- We have a tear!
- We did it!
- We got a tear, mm.
Sucker.
Yo... yo, Sherm, you good?
Burning my shoes is messed up,
but that's not why I'm crying.
Those were my Uncle Malcolm's.
He was an important
figure for me growing up.
He took me in when my
dad moved to Washington,
and he helped me get back on track
when I was skipping
school and smoking joints.
[SOFT MUSIC]
He was always on me
to do the right thing.
I guess he's gone for good now.
Hey, guys, I'd like to make a toast.
To life, an ugly beast
that is only interested
in eating you alive.
Oh, I'll drink to that.
- Sherm, we're really so...
- Shh.
Okay, the energy here is extra funky.
Noah, you need to cheer up.
Everything's gonna be okay.
No. The world isn't a rom-com.
You were right.
Or was I?
It's fate. I mean, Fay.
I can't believe she's here.
Well, I did some Internet sleuthing.
I tracked her down,
sent her a text message,
and said, "Come on down
and pick up your ID."
Well, what are you waiting
for? This is your big moment.
Go to her.
Go to her.
You said it.
Go. Go.
There you are again.
Again? Who are you?
Uh...
Can you tell what's going on with Noah?
'Cause I can't hear anything.
No, I'ma get closer.
I'm sorry. Let me back up.
I am the person who found your ID.
No, the person who
found my ID is a woman.
Yes, but I was with her.
I'm the guy from all those run-ins.
I stepped on your foot at
the pole dancing studio.
Oh, you're the dude
who stomped on my foot.
Yes, that was me.
I mean, we... We had a moment, right?
- No.
- Well, maybe I misread things,
but you have to admit
it was kind of weird
that we kept seeing
each other everywhere.
Not really. I see
the same Black people
all the time on the Eastside.
- There's only so many of us.
- I say the same thing.
Especially at the mall.
Oh, I know, right?
That's my favorite place.
BOTH: I'd lived there if I could.
Whoa. Did we just become friends?
- I think so.
- Hi, I'm Nicky.
I'm the one who texted you.
Oh, you're the one who found my ID.
- Well...
- You look so familiar.
Were you at the pole
dancing studio yesterday?
- Mm-hmm.
- And the park?
- I was there too.
- Again,
I really don't remember you.
[SLOW HIP-HOP b*at]
Sherm, we need to talk.
Da, da, da, da! Just hear us out.
We messed up.
We were insecure about our emotions
and we projected that onto
you and we took it too far.
Yeah, way too far.
We hope this will make up for it.
[LAUGHS] You got...
[CONTINUES LAUGHING]
- What's going on?
- Oh, man, I got y'all.
Man, y'all were losing your minds
and I wanted you to stop,
so I made that whole sob
story up in the moment.
Oh, my God.
[ECHOING] Those were my Uncle Malcolm's.
An important figure for me.
My dad moved to Washington.
Skipping school and smoking joints.
And smoking joints.
Making sure I do
the right thing in life.
Do the right thing in life.
Wow, you really didn't
look around the room at all.
Just that one "Malcolm X" poster.
I know.
I'm surprised you didn't notice.
I mean, come on, man.
I don't smoke joints.
I smoke blunts.
Wait, what about the tears?
Oh, the tears?
Fake tears.
Honestly, man, I knew y'all
was gonna give me something,
but I did not expect it to be
these rare-ass Jordan Retros.
These are rare as hell. Come on, man!
[LAUGHS]
That's great, Sherman. You got us.
Hey, my bad, man. Look, to be real...
[SIGHS] When I was growing up,
my dad was always on me to man up.
He said that crying was a weakness.
I never saw him cry, not even once.
So I just grew up thinking that
that's not what real men do.
I still get emotional,
but I guess I just got
a lot of stuff pent up.
That was really vulnerable of you.
Thanks for sharing that.
- I'm not gonna cry.
- And we're fine with that.
But what we're not fine with
is you having these Jordans.
- Hold on, man.
- I was actually
kind of okay with it.
[FUNKY b*at]
Hey, I am sorry about
how things went down.
Sorry for what? I couldn't be happier.
Oh, no. Your brain broke.
No, my brain is tip-top.
I just realized
that I wasn't wrong
about the meet-cutes.
All those places were
your favorite places.
You found her ID and you
invited her to the bar.
It was your rom-com all along.
You know, the one where
the closed-off cynic
opens her heart and finds a new friend.
And it's called "The Perks
of Being a Mallflower."
I truly cannot believe we're related,
but I'm glad that we are.
And I guess you kind of sort
of rubbed off on me a little.
Well, I guess you kind of sort of
rubbed off on me a little too.
I'm not gonna lie, self-care is my jam.
- Well, I'm happy you're happy.
- You don't have to say that.
I can always tell when you're happy.
After all, I have seen you in a tub.
Oh. Don't say that.
- That's disgusting.
- Wait, but you said at first.
Well, it sounds different when I say it.
- What? How?
- What do you mean how?
How is it different when you say it?
It just sounds a little bit better...
We should both stop saying it.
♪ I'm glad I got the chance to say ♪
♪ That I do believe I love you ♪
♪ For good times and bad times ♪
♪ I'll be on your side forevermore ♪