01x01 - Pilot

[bunniefuu]

The auto industry is changing.

Payne Motors has been
making cars for years,

but until now, all
our CEOs have been men

and members of the Payne family.

Well, I didn't want the job.

They didn't offer you the job.

Because they knew I didn't want it.

- Anyway, today we are...
- You can sit.

I don't need, like, a whole big intro.

- I just had a little bit...
- Yeah, I...

I just wanna keep things moving.

All right, so someone
bring me up to speed

on this self-driving car
that we are announcing.

Yes.

The Ponderosa will be Payne's
first fully autonomous vehicle.

It has seven key innovations...

I don't wanna interrupt your flow.

I just have one question,
the name Ponderosa,

do we like it?

- It tested well.
- Really?

Yeah, to me, it sounds
like ponderous, like dull,

you know, like a dull, ponderous car.

It comes from the Ponderosa pine tree.

Do people wanna drive a tree?

We're not saying that it is a tree.

- It's just, like, a vibe.
- Yeah.

There's also the Ponderosa
lemon and the Ponderosa snails.

But aren't snails like
the slowest animal,

and also a lemon?

I mean, isn't that what
people call a car that sucks?

Sounds like we're saying

it's like a dull, slow, bad tree-car.

Yeah, you know, I've gotta
say, I agree with you.

You know, I think the name's crap.

- Do you?
- Yes, I do.

I've always thought that.
- Have you?

- Yes.
- To me, it sounds dirty.

Like, pon sounds like poon,

which means vag*na, and
de rosa means "of pink."

So I just picture a giant
pink vag*na on wheels.

That's probably why it tested so well.

The name isn't important.

We've made advancements in sensor fusion

and scene recognition
that will revolutionize...

Wasn't there a car that meant
something bad in Spanish?

Yeah. Quite a few of them actually.

There's the Chevy
Nova, the Mazda Laputa,

the Mitsubishi Pajero.

You'd think these companies
would hire at least one guy

who spoke Spanish.

Does anyone here speak Spanish?

Jesus, people.

[upbeat music]

My great-grandfather would
be rolling over in his grave

if he saw that woman running
the company that he founded.

Oh, because he hated women?

I thought he hated communists.

- No, I think it was Irishmen.
- No.

It's because she knows nothing
about the auto industry.

She did pretty well
with that drug company.

Exactly. She's literally a drug dealer.

I wouldn't let my drug dealer

run a billion-dollar corporation.

Actually, with him, I might.
He's like low-key genius.

I just never worked for a woman before.

You know, with a man,
if I make a mistake,

I can flirt a little,

but you cannot flirt with a woman.

Well, I guess you can, technically.

We're about % sure about my cousin.

- Hello.
- She just bought two ladders.

You'll be fine, all right?

If anyone's gonna be fired,
it's probably gonna be me.

- Or me.
- Yeah.

Actually, I really hope it is you.

I can totally see it being you, dude.

Now that you said it out
loud, I was thinking it.

And another feature
of the Payne Ponderosa

is it's... how do you say
this? Chassis, chass-ees?

- Chass-y.
- Chass-y, oh, like gassy.

I was feeling very gassy
when I got on my chassy.

- Chassy.
- Perfect.

And then before you introduce the car,

I thought you might
wanna say a few words

about what made you
excited to come to Payne?

Oh, I can do that in
two words, the money.

I mean, obviously, it
wasn't just the money.

There were stock options.

Right, well, maybe
just more what you love

about cars then in general.

Honestly, I'm not really that into cars.

I mean, if anything, I
think is kind of weird

how some people
fetishize transportation.

Right.

Well, that could be a
challenge leading a car company.

I actually think it's better

if you're not that into
what you're selling.

It's, like, if you're really
into heroin, don't sell heroin.

Go into a different field, you know?

Why, are you like some
kind of crazy car person?

Me? Oh, no, not really.

I mean, define car person, right?

Do I appreciate cars? Sure.

Do I love them? I mean, define love.

Define cars for that matter.

Anyways, so the analysts,
they get here at : .

- So if you want...
- Who's that guy?

I don't know.

It's some worker. He looks lost.

Seems like he needs to talk to you.

- Does he?
- Mm-hmm.

That's weird. Okay, now I'll go... okay.

Go see whoever the heck that is.

And we'll continue this
on the B side, Katherine.

Grassy Shirley Bassey got on her chassy.

What are you doing here?

Oh, I just needed to talk to you.

Do you know I've never
been up to this level...

- Just... haven't you...
- This place is really nice.

Yes, please get in.

Look, I am sorry.

Last week, that was fun,
but it was a mistake.

- Oh, you told me.
- We have this new boss.

And it would look really bad for me

to be involved with a
guy from the factory.

Sorry, not the factory.
Just anyone who works here.

Are you trying to have me transferred

to the truck plant in Westland?

- Hm?
- Yeah.

I thought maybe you felt
weird about having me around

after... well, you know, and
you want to get rid of me.

- No, that was not me.
- Are you sure?

Because my supervisor said it was you.

- Oh, Westland?
- Westland.

- Westland?
- Westland.

Yes, no, what happened was

that we got this call asking

for a new day shift
operator in the Westland,

and I heard you're the best.

Really? Who do you hear that from?

- Lots of people.
- Was one of them Shawn?

- Yes, Shawn.
- Yes.

- He loves you.
- Okay, which Shawn was it?

I do not know his last name...

'Cause we don't have a
single Shawn that works here.

I find that hard to believe.

In a way, being the CEO would
have been the easy way out.

I'm able to be more
effective as a consultant.

- Mm-hmm.
- Dori.

If anyone calls, I'll be
down at the test track.

Okay.

And can you handle
whatever A/V stuff we need

for the presentation this afternoon?

Me?

The most technology I know

how to use is my hair
curler and my vibrator.

Right?

Mm, but I will figure it out
because I'm a professional.

- Great.
- Great.

Great? Oh, my God.

If I was CEO, I would
have said "Make it so."

She's so generic.

It's, like, super embarrassing.

♪

So does this self-driving car

actually drive anywhere?

- How do I put this in drive?
- It's voice-controlled.

Oh, baby, drive us around the block.

You're calling it "baby"?
Seems a bit misogynistic.

How is that misogynistic?

'Cause you can't call women "baby."

But it's not a woman. It's a car.

All cars are women. Everyone knows that.

Like, "She's a beauty.
Let's take her for a spin."

Well, this car is a man, okay?

Figures, first car to do the driving,

and it's a man.

Oh, Cyrus, where is the break?

Don't need one. Watch.

That's kinda neat. It's like a Roomba.

Well, not unless your Roomba
can create a D map of the road

and then uses machine learning
algorithms to identify...

but yeah, essentially,
it's just like a big Roomba.

Yeah, it's like a Roomba.

See our new overlord?

Katherine?

Sounds like someone who uses a catheter.

- Sick burn, man.
- Thanks.

Hey, if there's a power struggle,

factory's Team Wesley, right?

You know, most of us
just punch in and out,

don't get involved
in that type of thing.

Got it, neutral. Respect.

But I'm telling you, man,
Ewell Payne would not have

wanted that woman running his company.

Why? Is she Jewish or something?

Ugh, God.

- Cyrus, there's someone...
- Don't worry, we'll stop.

Just as soon as we... Stop it.

- It'll stop.
- Stop it.

- There's no break!
- Baby, stop!

Ahh!

Ahh!

Now, let me put it under your elbow.

- It helps with pain.
- I'm okay, I'm okay.

They didn't hit me that hard.

We think we know what
caused the accident.

- Alleged accident.
- Right.

I may have coincidentally
fallen totally on my own.

- Could be.
- Okay.

Well, you know how I was saying

that the car identifies
objects using machine learning?

Well, the operative word is...

- Machine.
- Learning.

See, it still confuses with
dark tones with shadows.

So occasionally, certain darker
optics come off as not there.

And by darker objects, do you mean...

Like a black cat,

or a dark blue car,
or darker brown skin.

So you've made a car
that hits Black people?

No, no, no. Not intentionally.

- Oh!
- Be your own people.

What would Ewell Payne
have said if he saw

that we designed the
world's first r*cist car?

- "Well done," probably.
- The car's not r*cist.

Race is about a shared culture,
history, and traditions.

This just doesn't see darker skin.

It hit Indian folk, too.

Oh, thank God.

I thought for a moment
that we built a car

that wouldn't hit Indian people.

How are you just figuring this out now?

In the pharmaceutical industry,

we would test a product
before we announced it.

Didn't stop all those babies
from being born without heads.

They had heads.

They just weren't
attached to their bodies.

We tested it, but the
cardboard cutout thingies

we tested it on were all white.

Well, why don't we get

some black cardboard cutout
thingies, you know, inclusion?

- Thank you for being an ally.
- His words.

Y'all know what this is, right?

This is white privilege.

When you're white,
Band-Aids look good on you.

Hell, even a cheap shampoo
at the hotel works for you.

Do y'all know the
a*t*matic soap dispensers

in the restrooms don't even work for me?

- Those are push-button.
- Say what now?

They're push-button.

- Just go like this...
- Yeah.

- And they come... okay.
- Just press it.

Well, I've been bringing my own soap,

and I actually like it.

Okay, we need to figure out
how we're gonna handle this.

This presentation is in six hours,

and we can't just cancel it.

Okay, what if we painted the car black?

Optics-wise, I think

a white car that hits
Black people looks worse

than a black car that hits Black people.

I think any car that targets people

based on their race would
look pretty not great.

Especially since Black Lives Matter.

To be fair,

it would have been bad before
Black Lives Matter, too.

Right, but like, now
we understand that also.

Okay, the analysts don't know

that the car is self-driving, right?

That's the big reveal?

Okay, so maybe we just
think of some other features.

In six hours?

I'm sure nothing will be
as innovative and exciting

as your Klanmobile over there,

but let's not let the perfect
be the enemy of the good.

- You should come.
- Me?

Him, why? Why him?

Well, because I would
like his perspective.

Plus, we just hit him
with a car in a way

that might be perceived as a hate crime.

And so you're part of this now.

Good, now tell me
this, would the car also

hit a white person if
they was in blackface?

- Yeah, probably.
- Right on!

Lead with that, say that.

- So it's not all bad.
- Silver lining.

[upbeat music]

How is this my fault? I licensed the AI.

I didn't program it from scratch.

No one's saying it's your fault.

But sure, blame the Black
guy for systemic racism,

and then ask the Black guy
to fix the systemic racism.

Do you know how much
pressure that puts on me?

Is it a lot?

- It is a lot.
- Yeah.

And FYI, I didn't test
it on non-white cutouts

'cause we don't have non-white cutouts.

You know why?

- Why?
- Because of systemic racism.

Yeah.

Well, at least you're not being
forced to work on a project

with a new boss you're trying to impress

and a subordinate you just had sex with.

- Hot assembly line-guy?
- Yeah.

- Shut up, when?
- Greg's retirement party.

I'd had a few drinks,
and he's very attractive.

Katherine already thinks I'm
some car-obsessed fangirl.

Now she's also gonna think I
can't keep my pants on at work.

Look, there's like ,
people who work here.

After today, he'll go back to the line.

She's never gonna find out.

I never even flirt with coworkers.

The one time I make a mistake,

and I'm stuck with it
forever like herpes.

A lot of people have herpes.

It's not that big a deal anymore.

What? He didn't give me herpes.

Who'd you get it from then?

Okay, so what about
if we had a second horn

that's like a polite horn.

So the first horn is like, "Rrrrh!"

Like, "I hate you."

But then the second
horn is, like, "eeh."

Like, "Excuse me, the light is green."

Right?

I'm just not sure polite horn counts

as the car of the future.

Okay, well, maybe we should

still write it down
so we don't forget it.

What about some sort of safety feature?

I think you figured it out.

The all-new Payne
featuring a safety feature.

All right, guys, I think
we need to step back

and ask ourself what do
people like about cars?

- You don't like cars?
- I mean, they're fine.

Sometimes I'm in a
place, and I need to go

to another place, and
cars help me do that.

What?

Cars are where form meets function.

Name one other thing that's utilitarian

while at the same time,
a fashion accessory,

a status symbol, and a work of art.

A wristwatch.

Uh-huh. That would be another one.

Okay, for me, a car is about freedom.

Once you get in that thing,
you can go anywhere you want.

You've literally never left
Detroit in your entire life.

Now, why would I wanna
leave Detroit, Sadie?

I just got Wi-Fi.

Okay, when people are buying cars,

they look at a bunch
of different factors.

There's fuel economy,
safety, price, comfort...

Can I just say like as a regular guy

who didn't go to business school

or anything like that, I
like cars 'cause they're cool.

That is it. They look cool.

They sound cool. They are fun to drive.

That's why I don't get why anybody ever

in their right mind would
want a self-driving car.

Driving is just fun.

Well, someone's cuckoo for car-nuts.

You like cars as much as I do.

Not really, I don't
know why you'd say that.

Well, because you got Ferrari bedsheets

and a showerhead that's
shaped like a fuel nozzle.

- [all gasp]
- Shut up, shut up, shut up!

[laughs]

Now, how you know what
her showerhead looks like?

"Sexy Sadie," new nickname, boom!

- I'm the best at nicknames.
- Hey, hey.

So should we get back
to the car we're supposed

to have redesigned and
produced in roughly five hours?

Right, thank you. Okay, new approach.

In pharma, let's say that the patent

on your big pain pill
is about to expire.

Well, constipated people get pain, too.

So you mix a little poop
meds in with your pain pill,

and next thing you know,

Rasputinol is making $ . billion.

- I used to snort Rasputinol.
- Everyone did.

That's why it grossed . .

So you just wanna combine
like a bunch of cars?

Well, no. I mean, not whole
cars, just the best parts.

- Ooh, like an all-star team.
- Or like the Avengers.

Yeah, I mean, I don't
know how many metaphors

that we need to say to explain this.

Frankenstein.

So where are all these random
car parts supposed to come from?

These are the employees' cars.

Which they brought
onto company property.

You can do whatever
you want to something

if it's on your property.

Legally speaking, that's not...

All right, everybody.
Let's go make a car.

Come on.

[Bruce Springsteen's
"Working on the Highway"]

I like the two lights on this.

Good to know. Yeah, we can do that.

♪ Friday night's pay night,
guys fresh out of work ♪

No, no, no.

♪ Heading home to their families ♪

♪ Some are looking to get hurt ♪

There's gotta be a manual or something.

♪ Wearing trouble on their shirts ♪

Like a screw or a bolt?

♪

- Here you go.
- Oh.

You just pull these out!

Guys, just pull these right out.

[grunting]

♪ All day long I don't stop ♪

Oh.

Sorry, there's a child, sleeping child.

No.

Yes, please. [grunts]

Oh, that's nicer.

You've been to raves,

and you ain't picked
up nothing about lights?

♪ I met her at a dance
down at the union hall ♪

This looks nice.

Hey, don't take their dry-cleaning.

I wasn't. I'm just looking.

♪ Sometimes we'd go walking
down the union tracks ♪

There's a child here.
Anyone's child... small boy.

- What are you doing to my car?
- I'm stealing your hubcaps.

It's fine. I'm the new CEO.

♪ Working on the highway ♪

Hey, could you give me a hand?

Only take a sec.

What do you need?

Just hold this here
while I try to bolt it.

Yep, fine.

Just... yeah, right there.

- This here?
- Yeah, like right here.

- Okay, sure.
- Yeah, hold that in.

- Oh.
- Mm-hmm, yeah.

- Just in there?
- Yeah, like right there.

- Okay.
- Nice support.

So in retrospect, I think talking

about what your bedsheets looked like,

yeah, that might've been a mistake.

It wasn't ideal.

I'm sorry. I would never... I'm sorry.

It's okay.

Hey, guys.

- Hey.
- I just...

It should go without saying,
but don't bang in here, okay?

- Oh, no...
- No, no, that's not... we...

I would never.

You can bang in here later.

It's not a problem for me.
It's just, show's in an hour.

So no banging now. I'm not a prude.

[upbeat music]

Thank you all so much
for coming tonight.

I have been asked to
introduce our new female CEO.

Is it good? I can't tell.

It is interesting.

Yep, I mean, it's eclectic.

It's got a sort of
bohemian/rococo/steampunk vibe.

I'm not sure it's something I'd drive,

but you definitely have a car.

What do you think?

How do I put this?

It looks like something Bjork
would drive to the Oscars.

Mm-mm, scratch that.

It looks like if Bjork
were driving to the Oscars

and got into a head-on
collision with Blossom

on the way to prom,

and then the car was
reassembled by a blind villager

from a tribe that had
never seen technology

and a spider on LSD
who also had bad taste.

Well, at least it's not r*cist.

Now, a number of you might be wondering

why the board put this woman in charge

when Paynes have been running
Payne Motors successfully

for over years.

Thank you.

[applause]

[laughs]

Thank you, Wesley.

It's good stuff to think about...

Just unplug this
'cause I'ma keep my job.

I am honored to get to
present the Ponderosa

to all of you today.

But I am a bit embarrassed
because truth is,

it was developed before
I started at the company.

Honestly, and this is not false modesty,

I had nothing to do with this car.

Not a natural speaker, is she?

So ladies and gentlemen,

the car of the future, the Ponderosa!

[Steppenwolf's "Born to Be Wild"]

♪

Oh, good. We're raising expectations.

Yes.

♪ Get your motor runnin' ♪

♪ Head out on the highway ♪

♪ Looking for adventure ♪

♪ In whatever comes our way ♪

All right, how about that?

Cyrus, maybe you want to
explain your vision to us?

Oh, no, no, mm-mm, mm-mm.

Come on, mate, tell them all
about your cool car... ow.

What a beauty, huh?

I believe it was
inspired by the platypus.

Is this what a typical day

in the life of an executive is like?

Yep, basically.

I think it is endangered.

- Is it what you expected?
- Yep, pretty much it.

At least I got to design my own car.

That was pretty cool.

Yeah, sure.

Who wouldn't want to
design their own car?

I'm not sure if they
live on land or water...

- Excuse me.
- Actually.

So it's one of those two.

I don't think it's an air...
ah! Anyway, enough from me.

Let me hand it to our director
of comm... mark... something,

Sadie... Mc...

Thanks.

I just wanted to say

we knew it would be a
challenge to create the world's

first-ever modular customizable vehicle

where the buyer chooses
the parts themselves

because when everyone gets
to design their own car,

sometimes it'll come out great,

and sometimes it'll come out like this.

Exactly, thank you.
I was getting to this.

The point is we're all different.

So our cars will reflect the diversity

of the melting pot that is America,

and also international.

The Ponderosa!

♪ Get your motor runnin' ♪

♪ Head out on the highway ♪

- Now what's the share price?
- Hong Kong Exchange is / .

Resign, resign, resign.

I'm just kidding.

Look, if they'd loved it,

there'd be nowhere to go but down.

It's like in pharma.

You don't start with boner pills.

You start with hypertension,
move your way up to boners.

- That's a beautiful sentiment.
- Almost poetic.

Excuse me.

So would you like to tell us
which ethnic minority group

you're gonna be targeting next?

Do you guys like my jacket?
No one said anything about it.

- Hey.
- Hey.

What's with the box?

Oh, I'm just cleaning out my locker.

Wait, you're leaving?

If this is about the truck plant thing,

that was just an offer.

Like, you don't have to go.

Why? You scared you'll miss me?

Please. , people work here.

It's not like we'll be
running into each other

in the halls, so...

Oh, hey just take any open desk.

- Oh, cool, cool.
- Wait, what?

- What's happening?
- Oh, I bumped him upstairs.

It feels like we could use

a little blue-collar
perspective up here.

- [phone buzzes]
- Oh, that's my Uber.

I don't know how to drive.

Night.

Well, I guess we'll be seeing
each other occasionally.

It's gonna be fun.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.