[TV STATIC DRONES]
[BRIGHT TONE]
[FESTIVE MUSIC]
♪ I know a place we
can go once a year ♪
♪♪
♪ On the magical street
filled with holiday cheer ♪
Whoo-ooh!
Look at that. Sitting on Santa's lap.
Yes.
You're gonna be the number one elf.
You're his number one elf.
[SIGHS] Whoo!
Hey, Gloria, why you
dragging behind, man?
Come on, let's go. Show some hustle.
God, we gonna miss all the good deals.
I swear to God, every
time I turn around,
it's like you damn got
lost staring off into space.
f*ckin' space cadet.
All right, look here, Harmon.
Now, you gonna pick
out your own gift today.
None of this guessing sh*t.
I ain't gonna let Santa Claus
take all the credit neither.
Now, the gift you get
today... Look at me, son...
Is from your daddy.
Now, we can go anywhere
in this entire mall.
We can go to Chess King,
we can go to Sam Goody's,
we can go to The Body Shop.
You name it.
[SIGHS]
Well, we can get a pet
at the shelter for free
instead of supporting
this puppy-mill sh*t.
[PUPPY YAPPING]
Are you a cat boy or a dog boy, Harmon?
Some people might think they're both,
but you got to be one or the other.
Now, that's just a fact.
Now, which one are you?
Aw, he a cat boy.
Gloria, go to the back
and get the manager.
You gonna buy Harmon a cat today.
Trust me, he's gonna need it.
Go.
You like them kittens?
Beep beep.
Yeah, beep beep, buddy.
Hey, Harmon, look here. Look at me.
Now, son,
you're always gonna
remember this Christmas.
But no matter what,
I will always be your daddy.
Always.
Just like these genuine pair of Oakleys,
there is no substitute for the original.
You hear me?
- Come here.
- [PUPPIES YAPPING]
Oh, yeah.
You got the goods, boy.
I love you, son.
[SOMBER WHISTLING]
♪♪
You wait right here for your mama.
♪♪
[GROANS] I'm already so anxious.
Your family's so f*cking
tedious to deal with, BJ.
What? Tedious?
They only visit, like, once a year.
Still, it's too much.
This is not what I
envisioned for myself.
In-laws.
I always thought I would marry
a orphan with a dead family
so I didn't have to deal with this sh*t.
Being married is learning to compromise.
You know, I'm getting baptized
even though I'm not % solid on it
because I know how important it is
to you and your family.
You are k*lling me right now.
Not % solid?
BJ, I organized a massive celebration.
I got a DJ coming in from Vegas.
My daddy's gonna baptize you personally.
What, now you're having doubts?
Inviting weird people?
"Weird people"? You mean my family?
Why are they even coming, BJ?
They're f*cking filthy atheists.
They're intellectuals.
People of reason and science.
I mean, part of it, I'm
sure, is morbid curiosity,
but for the most part, they support me.
They're good folks, Jude.
Well, it is not ideal that
your mom is a divorcée
and that Ken is just a stepdad.
My biological father was abusive.
We left in the middle
of the night in .
- You know that.
- I know. I know.
I'm just saying wishes.
- Well...
- BJ!
- KJ!
- Oh, my son, I've missed you.
- Hugs.
- Hey.
Aww. Hey, Ken, looking good.
- BJ...
- f*cking kidding me.
Looking better than good. Oh, my God.
Hey, Ken. Sup, dog?
These are lovely accommodations.
Well, we just wanted
you guys to be comfy.
I mean, we probably could have stayed
in a couple of the bedrooms
at your mansion, but...
Oh, actually, KJ, you couldn't have,
'cause we have guests right now.
My uncle and his wife.
Crazy to spend money on lodging.
I mean, just two people?
Well, it is just two people, Ken,
but my uncle's wife is special needs.
Yeah, she's basically a feral person.
And she's also pregnant.
So y'all want to give them their space.
- Yeah.
- Pregnant, ooh.
Maybe it'll rub off and give you two
some baby fever.
- Oh, Mom, stop.
- Oh, you can go f*ck yourself.
Baby fever isn't real.
Still would have been nice to stay
at the infamous Gemstone compound.
You're at a baptism.
It's not a vacation,
where, like, you stand
around and gawk at things.
You wouldn't expect to look at sh*t
if this was a circumcision.
If BJ was getting his d*ck cut off,
you wouldn't be all, like,
"Hey, we want to stay in your house."
You'd be like, "This is important.
This is about God."
Same diff.
Pretty great hotel, huh?
[COUNTRY ROCK MUSIC]
- Oh!
- Bam!
Oh, my God! [LAUGHS]
- Hit that sweet spot.
- Whoo!
Boy, we have been having
some epic hangs, huh?
Oh, we sure have.
With each hang, stronger
and stronger bonds, huh?
- [BOTH CHUCKLE]
- It's funny,
'cause a business relationship
enhances a friendship,
'cause then there's
respect and admiration.
Yeah, I ain't proud of this,
but some of my regular friends,
like the ones we don't do deals with,
I don't know, I just
feel myself thinking
they're dumb.
Eh, not dumb. That's not PC.
- I just feel sorry for them.
- Mm-hmm.
I don't think you need
to feel sorry for them.
You know, maybe they're
just dealing with things
outside of their control.
You know, that's true.
You never know what
somebody's going through.
You know, whether
it's financial troubles
or family cock blocks.
- Right.
- Who wants to look
at some pool shapes for Zion's?
I know I do. Bam!
Infinity pool, old-school kidney bean...
Lyle... Lyle, uh, look.
I'll admit, there is
nothing in this world
I would rather do than
discuss pool shapes with you,
but, uh...
I just feel like I gotta
tell y'all something first.
Hey, Jesse, are you crying?
No.
Well, concerning the money,
it looks like Amber and I
are falling a little short
of what we need for
the Zion's investment.
I don't think we can pull it off.
You don't have $ million?
The Gemstones are
worth, like, million.
I looked it up on Bing.
That's my daddy. That's not us.
I mean, one day it will be,
but sadly, right now it is not.
He's not helping?
- Did you ask him?
- Oh, yeah.
He's trying to teach me a lesson,
telling me I gotta
figure it out on my own.
Well, this genuinely sucks, Jesse!
You told us you were in.
You gave us your word.
You promised a commitment.
Let me ask your dad for the money.
- He'll say yes to Lyle.
- No, it won't work.
- It's not gonna work.
- Well, you ask him again.
Well, I already asked him bunches.
It's... Damn it, man!
Joe Jonas and his wife
were just telling me
how cool they thought you were.
- What?
- Yeah.
This is so disappointing, man.
We got along so good with y'all.
Well, that doesn't
need to change, does it?
I mean, we can still
remain on this pathway
to becoming very close friends.
We'll catch y'all on
the next investment dealio.
We would love that.
There isn't another one.
This is the only one, Jesse.
See you in the car, baby.
Do y'all think you can cover
two beers and some peanuts?
I think peanuts are free.
Who wants to go on a mission?
In hours, we shall
walk the Judean Desert
just as our Messiah did
more than , years ago.
Away from civilization,
away from betrayers
who cheat on mamas.
I'm talking days
and nights, y'all!
- Can I get a JC?
- ALL: JC!
Can I get a JC?
ALL: JC!
[HARD ROCK MUSIC]
God Squad. Let's move.
♪ Time to move on to a better place ♪
♪ I'll soon find my home ♪
♪ No, you cannot stop me now ♪
♪ I am on my way ♪
Martin. What's the meaning of this?
Eli received your email,
and he says you are not permitted
to take a jet to Israel.
Shh. Martin.
Martin, what is the deal, my dude?
BJ's baptism is tomorrow, and
you are expected to attend.
Oh, shut up.
Okay, that is asinine.
This whole deal is just
Judy kissing Daddy's butt.
- You know this.
- Oh, I'm sorry, Kelvin.
No, Martin, come on.
Hey, I know that I'm your favorite.
You just missed us,
right? You just missed us.
Let my people go... to Israel.
No jets.
Yeah, jets.
- No, Kelvin, no.
- Yes, yes.
No... jets.
Hey. Hi, there.
[HUMMING]
♪ Misbehavin' ♪
[CAR BEEPS]
Aw, what the hell?
Maniac Kid.
[TENSE MUSIC]
Are you talking to me?
I have a message from my boss.
That's the state fruit of Tennessee
right there, old timer.
Oh, I know a tomater when I see one.
Smooshed.
You get the message?
Well, the message is a little vague,
but I think I get the general idea.
Well, let me spell it out for you then.
You hurt my boss's feelings real bad.
And he's not the kind of guy
that likes to have hurt feelings.
Oh, I don't know anybody
that likes hurt feelings.
Do you?
- [GROWLS]
- [HOWLS]
You ain't a bad heel, son.
That growl needs work, though.
He wants an apology.
You're gonna give him one.
Okay.
Tell Junior I am very sorry,
but he can go f*ck hisself.
♪♪
- _
- Now, listen up, everybody.
- _
- I'm gonna tell y'all a story.
♪ There is a fountain
filled with blood ♪
♪ Drawn from Emmanuel's veins ♪
♪ And sinners plunged
beneath that flood ♪
♪ Lose all their guilty stains ♪
♪ Lose all their guilty stains ♪
♪ Lose all their guilty stains ♪
♪ And sinners plunged... ♪
Hi, good to see you.
- [SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]
- Thank you.
♪ Lose all their guilty stains ♪
♪♪
♪ When this poor lisping,
stammering tongue ♪
♪ Lies silent in the grave ♪
♪ Then in a nobler, sweeter song ♪
♪ I'll sing thy power to save ♪
Hi! Amen, amen.
Thank you.
That's off my brand-new hit
album, "Lightning Round."
In stores everywhere. Also
available for download.
Wow.
Today is the day that TJ
is gonna be born again.
Can I get an amen?
ALL: Amen!
[LAUGHS]
Now, who's ready to meet TJ . ?
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
- BJ.
Whoo!
I don't understand this.
Okay? I cleared it all.
Well, you're on here, plus one.
- Yeah?
- But these boys aren't.
First the planes, now this.
What the f*ck are we even doing?
Everyone is getting in.
Okay? Trust.
Keefe. You are my plus one.
Enter.
Gather little-to-no-carb finger foods
to nourish the men.
Find a service entrance
to sneak them through.
Await my word.
Today we join together
with the people we love
to witness Benjamin Jason
declare his commitment
to our Lord, Jesus Christ.
BJ, come on down, son,
and join the kingdom of God.
[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]
♪ Butterflies ♪
♪ Butterflies, they
start as caterpills ♪
♪ And the caterpills, they
change into butterflies ♪
♪ That's why Jesus d*ed ♪
♪ To take all of our Earthly sins away ♪
♪ When a man outgrows ♪
♪ The family of his origin ♪
♪ And they've no place in his life ♪
♪ 'Cause he's different now ♪
♪ He's got to show them how ♪
♪ They need to see and just go away ♪
♪♪
[WHISPERS] Butterflies.
Would you like to say anything?
Thank you all for witnessing my journey.
I was an afraid man, but
now I'm brave and strong.
Do you accept Jesus
Christ into your heart,
- as your savior?
- Yes, I do.
[COUGHING]
- Okay.
- [COUGHING]
We got you.
Introducing BJ "The Christian" Barnes!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪ Eight ♪
♪ Seven ♪
♪ Six, five ♪
♪ Four, three, two, one ♪
_
♪♪
♪ You set my lips on fire ♪
♪ You won the key to my heart ♪
♪ You've got a special
way to move me... ♪
I'm so proud of you, sugar baby.
- I'm on cloud nine.
- [CHUCKLES]
Thank you for the honor, Eli.
I'm gonna go slip into
some special baptism duds.
Hey, don't you dry that hair, though.
People want to see it. That's proof.
Well, you're really phoning it in today,
- aren't you?
- Excuse me?
Come on, Daddy.
You're being all mopey
and weird out there.
We're not even getting fun Eli.
We're getting emo, low-energy Eli.
It must be so hard to act
like you're having fun.
Guess you'd rather be chasing skirts
than supporting your
daughter on her big day.
Huh, here I was
thinking it was your husband's
big day this whole time.
Did BJ even want to get baptized?
Yes.
I told him to, so yes.
["WAITING FOR A STAR TO FALL"
BY BOY MEETS GIRL PLAYING]
♪ I hear your name
whispered on the wind ♪
♪ It's a sound that makes me cry ♪
♪ I hear a song blow again and again ♪
♪ Through my mind and I don't know why ♪
♪ I wish I didn't feel
so strong about you ♪
♪ Like happiness and
love revolve around you ♪
♪ Trying to catch your heart ♪
♪ Is like trying to catch a star ♪
♪ So many people love you, baby ♪
♪ That must be what you are ♪
Eli. Eli, here I am.
Eli Gemstone. Hey, hey, hey.
♪ There's a fountain filled with blood ♪
[LAUGHS]
That was a great song, wasn't it?
- Brought the house down.
- Yes, sir, it was.
- You loved it, didn't you? Yes.
- I did.
You know, I'm on the
Christian pop charts now.
I know, you keep reminding me.
How are you feeling, darlin'?
- Great. I'm due any day now.
- You sure are.
That's why I'm surprised you traveled.
Well, there'd be a lot of upset folks
if old Baby Billy didn't make it.
'Sides, this is a family baptism.
I couldn't miss that. Now,
that's way too important.
It's a g*dd*mn joke is what it is.
Hey, Tiff, you know what?
Give me and Eli a minute.
We got some men's business to discuss.
Why don't you go back over there
and take some more pictures?
Here, take these wings, will you?
And don't fly off, now.
Go over there and look cute, now.
Get that baby in focus.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
All right. What's going on, old boy?
I just got a lot on my mind.
Well, fair enough.
That's the funny thing
about life, you know?
Its ups and downs.
I mean, look at me.
I mean, I'm on the way up,
and you on the way down.
I'm not on my way down.
Oh, you are, a little bit, Eli.
You know, but it don't matter.
Here we are, just kind
of meeting in the middle.
Just two chiefs sitting
inside of a tepee,
just equals talking.
I'm glad you're doing well.
That's a real blessing,
with the new baby coming and all.
You got a chance to
do it right this time.
Don't do him like you did Harmon.
Don't go mentioning that name.
I never told Tiff
that I had another son.
And now's not the time to bring it up
since I got a brand-new son on the way.
Very thoughtful of you.
I was not the best daddy to Harmon,
but we live, and we learn.
I mean, things are
going good for me now.
I got a brand-new son on the way.
And I don't need
my old son f*cking it up.
You know, if this...
If this new one's born
while we're here on this visit,
you on the hook for
financial support, right?
- That's not how it works.
- Oh, yes.
It's just like them migrants
do with them anchor babies.
Just take care of your
own responsibility.
You are one temperamental son of a g*n.
You know that?
It was a joke, Eli. Chill out, man.
Everything goes over his f*cking head.
What a d*ck.
Dr. Gemstone? This is just beautiful.
The pageantry of it all.
It's all Judy's doing.
I'm just happy we were invited.
Unlike the wedding.
Isn't that the truth?
I would have loved
to go to Disney World.
But this is great.
I mean, not just the party,
but what a fascinating ceremony.
I have never been to anything like that.
Well, the water's still warm.
You're welcome to be baptized next.
- No, no, no, no.
- No way.
We're secular people.
- Agnostic.
- Left of center progressive.
They're from Asheville, Daddy.
They hate God.
Well, God loves them, Judy.
Uh, well, maybe someday.
Not very likely.
[PRETTY POISON'S "CATCH
ME I'M FALLING" PLAYING]
♪ So catch me, I'm falling, baby ♪
♪ Hold onto my love ♪
♪ Catch me, I'm falling ♪
♪♪
What kind of baptism is this?
I mean, she's acting
like it's a wedding.
Yeah, of course she is.
She thinks this is gonna
make up for not inviting Daddy
to her real wedding.
Eli's gonna waste his money on this
and not invest in a timeshare
with the Lissons?
Look at him over there,
thinking he's some kind of sex man,
doing whatever the hell he wants.
Making us lose our
g*dd*mn best friend couple.
f*ck him.
I'm gonna say something.
♪ Catch me now, I'm falling ♪
♪ Falling in love ♪
Hey! So where's your girls?
What's that supposed to mean?
It means you're too busy shaving pubes
and dating cheap ladies
to see the destruction you've wrought.
We told the Lissons
no like you insisted.
It broke their f*cking hearts.
So thank you for that.
Jesse... [SIGHS]
I don't give a sh*t.
♪♪
Oh, my God.
Look at you, BJ.
[CHUCKLES] All brand-new!
Oh.
A real Christian.
A man worthy of respect.
I'm so proud of you.
All the obstacles you've overcome.
All the sh*t-talkers.
It's true.
Your family has been
pretty terrible towards me.
I'm talking about your family.
My family hasn't been sh*t-talkers.
They've been very supportive.
Your mom won't stop
going off about babies.
Ken backs her up.
KJ's been condescending as f*ck,
constantly talking about how many rooms
are in my house.
BJ, she made a mockery of us.
And by all rights, you
should have owned her
in that moment.
We really don't have
that kind of relationship.
We just like to laugh and stuff.
Whatever. Whatever.
Look, I'm just trying to help you
to not be caught off-guard
when someone is trying to f*ck you up
and control you and talk sh*t on you.
Oh, okay.
Want to know what she did?
She tried to throw your
family's secular humanism
into my daddy's face.
Hold on. She did what?
I wanted to k*ll her.
Okay, you know what?
It doesn't matter, because
you are a saved man.
And because of that,
nothing can stop our rise.
And I just have to say, I'm so happy
that you're not gonna burn in hell now.
Whoa, you thought I
was gonna burn in hell
all this time, Judy?
That's really disturbing.
BJ, I'm saying something nice right now.
You're right. I'm sorry.
This is an exciting day.
- Mm-hmm.
- Let's not ruin it.
The only ones who could ruin it
are the ones who try to hold us back.
Like your family.
Nobody can hold us back.
Not when I'm wearing this.
Yeah, boy.
[LAUGHS]
Yeah, shake that cake.
I'm thinking about doing
one of them natural water births.
Oh, a very good option for some people.
Uh-uh, no, no, no.
None of that hippie
primitive stuff for me.
I'm a wealthy man now.
My child's gonna be born
with the benefits of modern technology.
Well, my mama didn't
have none of that stuff
when I was born.
Yeah, but you was a toilet baby.
- Oh, yeah.
- A who, what?
A toilet baby.
See, Tiffany's mom was obese.
Went through her entire pregnancy
without even knowing she was pregnant.
Ended up pushing this one out
when she sat down to do
her bathroom business.
Just, like... [GROANS]
Tiff just plopped down
like a little old turd.
Just... [CLICKS TONGUE]
Right down in the bowl.
Big eyes, like this...
But it wasn't a turd. It was me.
- That was you.
- [GIGGLES]
["DANCE HALL DAYS" BY
WANG CHUNG PLAYING]
Would you look at that.
♪ Take your baby by the hand ♪
♪♪
♪ And make her do a high handstand ♪
♪♪
♪ And take your baby by the heel ♪
♪♪
♪ And do the next thing that you feel ♪
♪♪
♪ We were so in phase ♪
♪ In our dance hall days ♪
♪ We were cool on craze ♪
[LAUGHING]
Oh, my God.
What? Not sure why you're laughing.
Wait, this is not a joke?
- You're serious?
- It's a onesie.
Oh, it's darling.
He had one of those when he was a baby.
Mom, it's not a onesie.
It's a romper with a cummerbund.
Okay, a romper.
Ga-ga-goo-goo, little fellow. [LAUGHS]
- No, don't make him giggle.
- Stop. Just stop.
Get her, BJ. Burn her to the ground.
That attitude is part
of what's held men back fashion-wise.
Okay? There's a whole
world out there to explore.
It isn't just about separates.
You are something else.
He was very excited about his clothing.
[ANGSTY PUNK MUSIC]
♪ So can I fool I'm a baby, baby boy ♪
♪ Take me home, I'm a baby, baby boy ♪
♪ Tuck me in, I'm a baby,
baby, baby boy ♪
f*ck you!
[SCREAMS]
Oh, he pisses me off so much.
I think I hate him.
Oh, I think I might hate his ass too.
Daddy is such an a-hole.
- Dude is the worst.
- Mm-hmm.
I mean, he literally ruins everything.
Damn dope timeshare investments,
budding friendships with pop stars,
my f*cking potential.
I wish I could fight that man.
Just destroy Daddy. I know I could.
I could. I'd make him look like a fool.
All old, stupid, and weak.
You should. Somebody needs to.
I have wanted to do that so many times.
Pop him right in the f*cking face.
See, your daddy...
now, he does not believe
that a man can change.
But I know better,
because I myself have changed.
I mean, look at me now.
Highly successful after
years of financial hardship.
People can change.
And your daddy, he don't realize that.
Maybe you haven't heard
that he's been out and about
having little sex encounters.
What?
Eli trying to f*ck somebody?
Multiple somebodies, probably.
Dude fancies himself a
damn cocksmith these days.
Trying to make himself into a
big character for the ladies.
Wow. Eli Gemstone?
Is it time to go?
Can't you see I'm sitting here
talking to my nephews?
Well, he wants Funyuns.
Will you get 'em for me, Baby Billy?
I ain't even got my walking shoes on.
But it's my cravings.
All right, sweet angel.
Well, can I at least finish my mojito?
[GIGGLES] Nephews.
g*dd*mn, y'all up here
serving prime steak,
all she wants is some f*ckin' Funyuns.
_
Okay.
Hi, Judy.
Mm-mm. Don't "Hi, Judy" me.
'Cause I see you, KJ.
I know you're trying to
plant sh*t in BJ's head
when you're all, "Oh, we could
have stayed at the mansion.
There's so many rooms at the mansion."
[SCOFFS] You're being serious right now?
I just wanted to see your house.
I'm not trying to make fights.
That's not what I'm trying to do.
I just want to tell you
that I know the score.
Siblings have to hate siblings' spouses.
My brothers hate BJ too.
Why do your brothers hate BJ?
Duh, 'cause he took my
ass off the market, bitch.
Jesse and Kelvin might be my brothers,
but that don't mean they're not
sitting up in their rooms at night
thinking someday they might
get to hook up with me.
Ew, Judy, that's disgusting.
[SCOFFS] I didn't say I was gonna do it.
Okay? I don't know
how a man's mind works.
I would never want to hook up with BJ.
You're telling me you would not want
to f*ck your fine-ass brother?
No. I really wouldn't.
Okay.
What if I got a big old g*n
and I put it right to
your head and I said,
"Ooh, KJ, I'm gonna k*ll
you unless you get nude
"right now in this living room
and f*ck your brother in front of me"?
Then would you f*ck him?
I mean, if you were gonna k*ll me.
See? I knew it.
I knew it.
Don't be jealous, KJ.
Your brother is mine.
Stop fighting me for him.
[THRICE'S "SEND ME AN ANGEL" PLAYING]
♪ Do you believe in heaven above ♪
♪ Do you believe in love? ♪
♪ Don't tell a lie, don't
be false or untrue ♪
♪ It all comes back to you ♪
Everyone gets one protein
and one cheat dessert square.
♪ Every day we've all been led astray ♪
♪ It's hard to be lucky in love ♪
♪ It gets in your eyes,
it's making you cry... ♪
So you're the man that raised BJ, huh?
Oh, I can't take credit for that.
Yeah, I don't blame you. [LAUGHS]
Man, f*ck you, Jesse.
Trying to own BJ's stepdad.
- You're so jelly.
- Oh, jelly? Of what?
There's a new queen bee in town.
Oh, you have got to be kidding me.
I just spit facts, honey.
You see that woman
over there with Daddy?
That's a U.S. senator.
This is mine and BJ's debut.
We're making the scene, son,
and you can expect more to come.
Look, I'll admit your
powers are growing, Judy.
But everybody in the church knows
that your husband is a joke.
No offense, y'all.
But I know that this little
boy is only getting baptized
'cause he thinks it's
gonna make him fit in.
And why would anyone want to fit in
to this train-wreck of a family?
Oh, KJ, that's not very polite.
No, Mom, I have to say
this is pretty much everything
I thought it was gonna be.
BJ's making a huge mistake.
These people are trash.
- Trash?
- What did you say, bitch?
Let me handle this, lollipop.
You owe my family an apology, KJ.
They aren't you family. We are.
Look at what they did to you.
This religion? These clothes?
It's not you, BJ. You're not a Gemstone.
[SCREAMING] I am a Gemstone!
♪♪
♪ Send me an angel ♪
♪ Send me an angel right now ♪
You!
What the f*ck was that?
♪♪
Are you okay, Daddy?
I'm damn far from okay.
You kids are an embarrassment.
All of you!
All of us? I didn't even do anything.
♪♪
Yo! We need to talk.
I'm supposed to be on my
way to the Judean desert.
You made me look like a
fool in front of my men.
You make yourself look like a fool.
We found an entrance,
but maybe now's not the best time?
- Mm-mm.
- b*at it.
All of you, go!
Don't you tell him what to do.
I'm his leader, not you.
I'm all these guys's leader.
Kelvin, I can no longer
support this ridiculous idea.
It's not ridiculous. You're ridiculous.
A sinful old man,
tomcatting around with
women of the night.
You're a false prophet.
What did you call me, Kelvin Gemstone?
You heard me, wrinkles.
I am in no mood for your theatrics, son.
Now, it's time you packed up those yurts
or whatever the hell you call them
and move them off the compound.
Don't you say that.
You're mad 'cause I won't
let you go to Israel?
I'm not spending one cent
for you and your muscle boys
to frolic in the desert.
So we're not going to the desert?
Yes, we are!
Not on my dime, Jack.
- [YELLS]
- [GRUNTS]
Oh. [GROANS]
[HEAVY DRUM b*at]
♪♪
[GRUNTS]
[GROANS]
How does it feel to be
on the receiving end, huh?
About time somebody... ah!
[GRUNTING]
Ahh!
Ow.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
[YELLS]
♪♪
Your mother's portrait. Ruined.
- That could have k*lled me.
- I wish it would have.
Ahh!
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
- Ahh!
- You say you're sorry.
- No!
- Apologize now.
- Never!
- Say you're sorry
by the time I count to three.
- One...
- I'm not gonna say it.
I'm not sorry.
- Two...
- Sorry, not sorry.
- Three!
- [ALL GASP]
[LAUGHS] I knew you weren't gonna do it.
He ain't got the balls.
- [BONES CRUNCH]
- No!
[DARK MUSIC]
♪♪
[SIREN WAILING]
Niece, I need to go
home. My feet are swollen.
Well, then go home, dummy.
Baby Billy ain't come
back with my Funyuns.
Where the hell is he?
[SOMBER WHISTLING]
♪♪
- [BOTH LAUGHING]
- What a complete sh*t show.
It was such a piece of sh*t.
Yo, amigo, where's our ride?
The host only made
arrangements for Dr. Gemstone.
What? How the f*ck are
we supposed to get home?
Uber?
Nah.
- We're taking this one.
- Yeah.
[FUNKY MUSIC]
♪♪
♪ Whoo, yeah ♪
- The hell was that?
- I don't know.
I'm gonna have to pull over
and check under the hood.
[ELECTRICITY BUZZES]
Coolant's drained.
I'll have to grab some more.
The hell you telling me
for? Just go f*cking do it.
- [LAUGHING]
- Idiot. [LAUGHS]
Oh, she tried to come for us.
And look how that turned out.
That was a disaster.
[LAUGHS] Once again,
you and I are the only
ones with our sh*t together.
Trying to expand the business
while everybody else is in-fighting,
looking like fools.
Stupid.
I had no idea Eli had
so much brutality in him.
Oh, you didn't know he was like that?
No, Daddy can be a straight-up monster.
Trust me, you do not want
to get that dude in a corner.
Kelvin f*cked around and found out.
[CHUCKLES]
♪ You ♪
♪♪
♪ You and me, baby ♪
♪♪
♪ We belong together ♪
♪♪
♪ We were made for each other ♪
Brap-brap. Wassup?
[g*nf*re]
Ahh! sh*t!