09x34 - Stage Door Johnnies

[bunniefuu]

[DOG BARKS]

STAGECOACH DRIVER:
Virginia City, folks.

Hey, Hoss, we got a couple
more sacks of spuds in there to get.

Hoss? We got some more
potatoes inside we gotta get.

Joe, I just seen the
most beautiful sight,

the most beautiful woman
I ever saw in my life.

[FRENCH ACCENT]
Oh, what a quaint hamlet.

I don't know what you
mean by quaint hamlet, miss,

but Virginia City folks are
mighty proud of their city.

Well, Miss Denise
only meant to say...

My darling man, I just mean
its, um, rustic charm is, uh, quaint.

Yeah.

Still, I wouldn't use that word
"quaint" around here, miss.

We take it as someone...

- [CAT MEOWS]
- being a little... squirrelly.

[DOG BARKS]

Andre. Andre?

Andre, come back.

- Oh, come back, Andre.
- I'll get him.

DENISE: Andre.

[BARKS]

Oh, Andre, please come back!

STAGECOACH DRIVER: Hah!

Ma'am. Ma'am.

- I found your dog.
- Oh!

Oh, you naughty dog. Don't
you ever do that again, never.

I'm so thankful. Oh,
you saved my little Andre.

Oh, it wasn't nothin', ma'am.

I just run him around the block,
cornered him back there in the alley,

picked him up and there he is.

[GIGGLES]

I can never thank you enough.

Mr... Mr...?

Cartwright, ma'am, Hoss Cartwright, and,
like I said, there wasn't nothin' to it.

I'm... I'm sorry I couldn't have
been more help to you, ma'am,

but I found the dog's bow.

Merci. You're both so kind.

My name is Joe Cartwright.

His name is Little
Joe Cartwright.

'Cause I'm the youngest.
That's why they say that.

I am Mademoiselle Denise.

- Brothers?
- Occasionally.

I'm glad your dog fell
into friendly hands again.

Ah, Fillmore, this gentleman
captured little Andre.

This gentleman found his bow.

I'm Hoss Cartwright and this is my
little brother, Little Joe Cartwright.

Good, good, good.
I'm Mr. Fillmore.

I'm manager and
accompanist for Miss Denise.

I believe you and I have met.

Yeah, I'm sorry about
that little accident.

Fillmore.

Such kindness should
be rewarded, Fillmore.

Oh, yes, yes.

Miss Denise is a
famous chanteuse

and we'd be delighted to
have you as our guests tonight.

A chant-oose?

I didn't know they had that kind of
thing going on here in Virginia City.

[GIGGLES]

I sing.

And Monsieur Fillmore, um,
accompanies me on the piano.

Oh.

Well, I’ll tell you, you'll just have to
forgive my little brother here, ma'am.

You see, the finer things in
life he just ain't too familiar with.

- You don't know what a chant-oose is.
- Shut up.

Here. Here we are.

There are two tickets for tonight
at the, um, the Silver Dollar.

- Well, thank you very... much.
- That's... That's one for each.

- Very kind of you.
- Very nice of you indeed.

I will see you tonight.

I can guarantee
you're gonna see me.

I mean we will be there.

Bonjour, gentlemen.

- Bonjour.
- Same to you, ma'am.

Fillmore.

You didn't know what a
chant-oose was, you phony.

We gotta get to work. Come on.

"Get to work, come on."

Got everything all
loaded except them spuds.

Good.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

- You bet.
- Hmm.

- What’s the matter?
- Hmm?

- I said what's the matter?
- Oh, nothing.

I'm just trying to
make up my mind

whether I wanna go to this or
whether I wanna sell my ticket.

I don't know. I really don't think
too much of chanteuses, really.

- I don't know.
- You mean you don't wanna go see her?

Not if I can sell my
ticket, no, I wouldn't go.

Well, I’ll... I'll tell you,
just to save you the trouble

of having to sell it
somewhere, I'll buy it from you.

- Do you wanna buy it?
- Yeah. Keep it in the family, yeah.

This ticket's worth
a lot of money.

Of course, I won't charge you
that kind of money. We’re brothers.

Ten dollars. How's that?

- Eight.
- [CLEARS THROAT]

Yeah, sold.

Besides, this ought to cut out
some of the competition for you.

Well, I... I will admit you've
been a nuisance, little brother.

You don't know how to handle
yourself in a situation like this,

them chanteuses and all.

Besides that, you're
a little light for the job.

You're about eight
dollars light for the job.

[CHUCKLES]

- [WHINES]
- DENISE: Ah.

- Ah, good.
- [KNOCKING]

Come in.

Oh.

Baby.

Well, I looked over
the Silver Dollar Saloon.

[AMERICAN ACCENT] Oh, please, Fillmore,
you know I don't like the word "saloon."

Well, never mind how
you feel about saloons.

Just don't lose
the French accent.

[FRENCH ACCENT]
Oh, well, how was it, huh?

About this animal...

Oh, he loves you, Fillmore.

Yeah, he loves
me, but he's a pest.

[GROWLS]

[GROANS]

The Silver Dollar
doesn't seem too bad,

and the advance sale
seems to indicate a sellout.

Heavy on the French, huh?

Well, it's selling big
this year, so play it up.

I also learned that our
newfound friends, the Cartwrights,

are pretty important
people around here.

Oh?

[AMERICAN ACCENT] Well, as long as
I'm going to be around here for a few days,

I might as well...

[FRENCH ACCENT]
enjoy myself, huh, chéri?

[CHUCKLES]

Don't start toying with
those two boys, huh?

Oh, manager, how you worry.

[CLEARS THROAT] I
wonder how long a dog lives.

[AMERICAN ACCENT]
What do you mean by that?

Well, as your manager
and accompanist,

it seems to me that I
spend an awful lot of time

looking for Andre
when he's missing.

[FRENCH ACCENT] Please, Fillmore,
do not talk like that in front of Andre.

- He is so sensitive.
- All right.

Only don't lose
the French accent.

Oui, monsieur. We will be very
French, Andre, baby, hmm, baby?

[CHUCKLES]

- I must say you look pretty good.
- You like it, huh?

A neated-up version of Hoss
Cartwright, something special.

Yeah, well, like I was telling you, this
Miss Denise is something special, Pa.

I appreciate you
taking me as your guest.

My pleasure, Pa, my pleasure.

I just hate to leave without
knowing where Little Joe is.

Don't worry about
Little Joe. Let's get on in.

I don't wanna be late
for the performance.

Hey, see, Pa? Here's the ticket.

Not only is she beautiful...

but she's talented and
she's world famous.

See that?

I see your little brother got top
dollar for his ticket, didn't he?

Hey, I wonder if
that little skinflint

knew how cheap these
tickets were gonna go for.

You know what I
ought to do with you?

Just put you in a corral
and leave you there.

Evening, Ben.

Hoss.

Evening, Hoss.

Oh, hi, fella.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, um... Uh, evening, Pa. I
didn't see you standing behind Hoss.

Well, got yourself
a new suit, huh?

- Yeah, I figured it was about time.
- BEN: New hat too.

Yeah. Nice, huh?

You, uh, you mind
if we sit down?

I don't know if you can read
the sign. It says "reserved."

Course, that doesn't
go for you, Pa.

Don't you give me none
of that reserved stuff.

I could call the bouncer, you know,
if I thought it would do any good.

I wondered where
you'd sneaked off to.

All right, now that you've
seated yourself here, all right,

but as soon as Miss Denise
has finished her performance,

I hope you will extend me the
courtesy of leaving my table.

For what?

Isn't it obvious that she
and I would like to be alone?

FILLMORE: Ladies and gentlemen.

Ladies and gentlemen, tonight I
am proud to present to Virginia City,

direct from Europe and New York,

the beautiful singing
star, Miss Denise.

[CHEERING]

- Ain't she something, Pa?
- Sure is.

[SINGS "SUR LE PONT
D'AVIGNON" IN FRENCH]

She's crazy about me.

Hey, would you mind moving over
a little bit? I'd like to see the show.

Pa, will you ask him
to please move aside?

I paid for my ticket, you know.

[CHEERING]

- We have a table right here.
- Oh, merci.

Miss Denise, I'd like you to
meet my father, Mr. Cartwright.

- Miss Denise.
- BEN: Miss Denise.

- I enjoyed your singing tremendously.
- You're gonna get it.

It's my pleasure,
Mr. Cartwright.

May I introduce my manager and
accompanist, Monsieur Fillmore?

- Enjoyed it.
- Pleasure, sir.

Excuse me, please. I
have to go count the money.

- Won't you sit down?
- Yes, have my seat, Miss Denise.

- Merci.
- I like it.

Oh, Little Joe, would
you do me a favor?

It'd be my pleasure, ma'am.

Would you go...
to my, um, hotel...

and see if little
Andre is all right?

- See if little Andre is all right?
- Oui.

Hoss, you wouldn't
like to go see if...?

- [TUTS]
- No, you wouldn't.

Yeah, well, I'll... I'll just be
a moment. I'll be right back.

Merci, Little Joe.

Don't go away.

What a darling boy.

I never thought of him
in exactly those terms.

Yes, he is, isn't he?

Where’s that young fella
who ordered the champagne?

- He stepped out for just a minute.
- Coming back?

Oh, yes, he'll be...
Just set it down here.

I'd better hold off on this
champagne. He already paid me.

Whoa. Excuse me. You
say he already paid for it?

I'm his older brother and I'll take
good care of the bottle. Just set it down.

- No, I...
- Sir, please.

Just get us another
glass, will you?

Well, if you're his
brother, I guess it's all right.

Yeah. Thank you.

- I'll just go right ahead and open it.
- Oh, là là. I just love champagne.

- It's so French.
- Yes, it is.

I love it. It's marvelous,
so lively, you know?

[YELPS]

[HOSS YELLS]

What a shame.

Well...

- Hoss...
- At least a glass left.

Oui.

Your aim was bad.

[AMERICAN ACCENT]
What are you doin'?

Qu'est-ce qu'il y a?

Up and at 'em, tiger. Go on.

That's a better show than ours.

Check the dog. Check the dog.

Andre, you all right?

[BARKING]

Check.

It's so exciting.

Oh, here he comes...

- Come on. You can do it again.
- Go.

Hey. Hey, you all right?

Hey, watch my suit, will you?

[CHUCKLES]

Hoss, don't you know not...

not to shake up a
bottle of champagne?

I do now, Pa.

Ah, ha-ha!

It didn't really make no
difference, though, Pa.

Little Joe had already
paid for it anyhow.

[LAUGHS]

What’s all the
ruckus, Little Joe?

Watch out!

[CHUCKLES]

Looks like Pa and Hoss are in
there really busting the place up.

They're doing all
right too, ain't they?

[HOSS LAUGHS]

Do you reckon I'd
better break it up now?

I reckon.

I sure hate to.

[BEN AND HOSS LAUGH]

The sheriff. Out.

He just... He
just went right by.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Now I've seen it all.

Hello, Roy.

Well, it's kind of silly.

[LAUGHS]

ROY: Yes, it is, now
that you mention it.

Yeah, well, I really
would like to explain.

Now, there's no need of that.

I think a collection of hard cash to
pay for the damages done to the saloon

would be a better
way of explaining it.

- Good night.
- Night, Roy.

Is this the bottle of champagne
that I already paid for?

Yeah, that... that's
the one all right. I...

Uh, Hoss can... can explain
what, uh, what happened to it.

- Can't you?
- Yeah.

"Yeah." Yeah, well,
go ahead and explain.

Well, you already
paid for it, Joe.

I didn't figure there was
any use in wasting it, so I...

I tell you, you... you shake that French
champagne and it sure does get excited.

It blows its stack.

- Hey...
- Joseph...

- Don't do this to yourself, boy.
- Now, Joseph, you...

It's your new suit.
Don't mess it up.

I... I wanna tell you something.

If I didn't have on this
new suit and my new hat,

I would give you the
licking that you deserve.

[HOSS CHUCKLES]

[JOE CHUCKLES]

- [ANDRE WHINES]
- [CHUCKLES]

Oh, you... As I was
saying, Miss Denise,

I'm terribly sorry about what
happened the other night.

Oh, I thought it was exciting.

And the way Ben and
Hoss handled the situation,

it was magnifique.

He's gonna get a magnifique
bill for the... for the damages.

Oh.

Too bad you miss it.

Yeah, I'm sorry too. I... If I could
have been there, I could have really...

[KNOCKING]

Oh, excusez-moi.

Oh, certainly.

Whew.

- [GASPS] Hoss Cartwright.
- Hi, Miss Denise.

- Do come in.
- I brung you some...

Flowers. How sweet.

Is he bothering you?

Oh, no.

I, uh, just wanted
to show Miss Denise

that we're all not
ruffians and brawlers.

Sit down, Hoss, and
keep Little Joe company

while I get a vase
for these flowers.

Yes.

You don't sleep much, do you?

I think you're a
little late with the...

Yeah.

But... I'm a box
of bonbons ahead.

[WHINES]

Hey, you see that?

Even Andre has caught
on to your way of operating.

You know what they say about
animals. They always know.

Well, you're so big, he
probably thinks you're a tree.

Could I impose on one of
you boys to do me a favor and...

- Oh...
- HOSS: Ma'am, I'd...

I'd be happy to oblige
you any way I could.

Oh, thank you, Hoss. Little Andre
did not have his morning walk.

Do you mind?

Oh, of course my brother Hoss
doesn't mind. Loves animals.

Why, he'd rather walk dogs
than eat. Wouldn't you, Hoss?

Merci, Hoss. I'll
get his leash, huh?

Yeah.

I'll flip you to see
who walks him.

What do you mean, you'll
flip me to see who walks him?

You just said it
yourself. Animals know.

Little brother, you're trying
me. You're trying me real hard.

Not as bad as the people of
Virginia City are gonna try you

when they see you being pulled
around by that funny-looking little dog.

[LAUGHS]

- Mornin'.
- Morning.

How are you?

Nice mornin'.

[ANDRE BARKS AND WHINES]

[BOTH LAUGH]

[ANDRE BARKS AND WHINES]

Morning, Martha, Jack.

Oh, Hoss.

Oh, Hoss.

Oh, Hoss, glad to see you.

- Howdy, Roy.
- Did... Did your pa come into town?

No, no, he didn't, Roy.
He stayed out at the ranch.

Oh, that's too bad. You going
home for supper, ain't you?

- Well, I sort of figured on it.
- [ANDRE WHINES]

- Yeah, well, I...
- [ANDRE HOWLS]

[HOSS HOWLS]

Dad burn it. I got the
dadburnedest frog in my throat.

Sounds more like you
got a dog in your throat.

- Yeah.
- [SCRATCHING]

Well, you tell your pa...

I found an itch
that goes with it.

I reckon it must be some
kind of allergy or something.

Oh, that's too bad.

But tell him the next
time he comes into town

to stop into my office
and see me, will you?

- I sure will, Roy. I sure will.
- Thank you.

- So long, Roy.
- Bye.

Oh! Oh, I'm sorry. I... I wasn't
watching where I was going.

You wasn't looking what
you were doing last night.

But I'm purely glad we
bumped into each other

without your pa
around to get in the way.

Now, look, that was last night.

- Now, if you would just...
- Right, and this is today.

You had your good time...

and now I'm gonna have mine.

[BARKS]

[BARKS]

[BARKS]

[BARKS]

[BARKING CONTINUES]

These bonbons are wonderful.

- Here. Would you like one?
- No, merci.

Hoss has been gone a long time.

Oh, I wouldn't worry. You
know what my pa always says?

Well, he says if a job's worth
doing, it's worth doing well.

It has been over one hour,

and Andre tires so easily.

Oh.

Look, I don't want
you to worry about him.

Hoss is probably... probably just going
around town showing Andre to everybody.

- [KNOCKING]
- That must be him.

Oh, excusez-moi.

Yes, yes.

I, uh...

Miss Denise, you... you
ain't gonna believe this.

I, uh...

I lost your... Andre.

- You what?
- I... I lost the little doggy.

- You lost him?
- Yeah.

- My An... My bébé.
- But he won't be very far.

- We’ll find him.
- No, no, no, no, Miss Denise.

Miss Denise, please, please
don't worry. I'll find Andre for you.

- Don't worry.
- That's right, Miss Denise.

Don't you worry. I'll find him.

- May I make a suggestion?
- Oui.

Why don't we put an ad in the
paper and offer a reward for Andre?

That is an excellent idea. I was
just about to suggest that myself.

You just make the
reward. I'll pay it.

It makes no difference.
Just make a reward for...

I don't think it fair that we decide
how much the reward should be.

After all, it is your
dog, your love.

I think we should leave it up to Miss
Denise what the reward should be.

Good idea. I was just
about to suggest it myself.

You just make out the reward
for whatever you think is fair

and... and I'll pay it.

Oh, merci, monsieur.
Oh, thank you. Oui.

The reward was my idea.

- Oh, merci.
- It was nothing.

Miss Denise, I'm
paying the reward.

Miss Denise.

- Miss Denise.
- Have a bonbon.

I will go put that ad in
the paper right away.

Oh, oh, oui, monsieur.

Oh, and he's worth so much
more to me than he cost.

Oh, don't worry about money.
My brother Hoss is very generous.

Oh, oui, monsieur.
Oh, merci, merci.

- Spare no expense, dear.
- Oui.

Enjoy the bonbons.

What’s the matter, Pa?
You look kind of tired.

I'm just not used to the kind of
shenanigans we had last night.

And I hurt all over.

Wait till we get the bill
from the Silver Dollar.

It's gonna be a big
bill too. Lot of damage.

All those tables,
chairs, bottles.

I'm sure glad you taught me not to
get involved in those kind of things.

[JOE LAUGHS]

You know, Pa, you weren't
the only one involved in that.

The rest of 'em ought to
have to pay their share too.

I think you ought
to pay at least half.

Where's he gonna get the
money to pay for at least half?

Well, the same place he's gonna
get the money to pay the reward.

What reward?

Reward for what?

[SIGHS]

Pa, see, I... I lost
Miss Denise's little dog.

And Little Joe here thought
that the least I could do

was to run an ad in the paper and
offer a reward for him, since I lost him.

[LAUGHS]

A reward for a dog? What
kind of reward are you offering?

Well, I... I don't... I
don't rightly know.

See, she was putting the ad in the
paper while I was out hunting the dog,

and I... I didn't
state no exact figure.

You let her state
an exact figure?

Well...

Yeah, I reckon I did, Pa.

You know, Miss Denise
thinks the world of that dog.

That’s a very unusual
dog, very expensive.

I wouldn't be surprised
if the reward for that dog

ran maybe 10, maybe 15 dollars.

- Well, I reckon I can live with that.
- A pound.

You mean neither one of you
have seen the ad, neither one?

No. Paper wasn't
printed when we left town.

This is too much for me.
Excuse me. I'll go to bed.

- Yeah.
- Night, Pa.

- I think I'll join him.
- No, I wouldn't if I were you.

How come?

I think you'd
better get in town,

start looking before
the stampede starts.

What stampede?

The stampede to get the
reward money for that dog

that you're gonna have to pay.

Yeah.

Might as well. I don't reckon I
could sleep anyhow wondering.

Hey, don't forget
to take a lantern.

It's hard to find a
little dog in the dark.

[CHUCKLES]

[WHISTLES]

Here, Andre! Here! Here!

Here, Andre! Here!

MAN: Here, doggy,
doggy, doggy, doggy.

Come here, Ann-dre.

Here, doggy,
doggy, doggy, dog...

Any luck?

[TUTS]

You... You looking for that dog so
you can collect that fortune, huh?

You heard about it, huh?

I didn't think anyone knew about
it yet, except the printer. That's me.

A big fat thousand dollars
riding on that little carcass.

I plan to earn it.

Here, Ann-dre.

[WHISTLES]

Ann-dre!

Ann-dre.

[SCOFFS]

MAN: Here, Ann-dre.

[WHISTLES]

Here, Andre. Here.

Come on, Andre.

Andre. Here, Andre.

Here, here. Here, Andre.

[WHISTLES]

Here. Here, boy.
Come on. Come on, pup.

[WHISTLES]

MAN 2: Here I am. Andre.

This town looks awful
deserted, don't it?

Well, never mind.

You take the horses to the livery
stable and I'll meet you there later.

I'm going to pay the bill.

11 assorted bottles...

The courthouse b*rned
down two years ago.

Wonder you ain't trying
to charge me for that.

Well, Ben, just finished
adding up the bad news.

Since it was mainly Cartwrights
against Big Man here and his friends,

I figure each side
ought to pay half.

Well, I guess that's reasonable.

Them friends you were talking
about, I don't even know who they were.

Two Cartwrights
and only one of me.

I figure he ought to pay
two thirds of the damage.

- Here's our half.
- Thank you, Ben.

You don't stick me
with half, Cartwright.

You and me are
gonna settle right now.

[WHISTLES]

Here, Andre.

[BARKING]

Andre? Come on,
boy. Come on, boy.

- Come on, pup.
- [JOE WHINES]

[LAUGHS]

What’s the matter?
No luck? [LAUGHS]

Yeah, yeah, all kinds of luck.

Hey, where is everybody? There's
nobody even in the livery stable.

Everybody that's got any legs is
out looking for that dadburn dog

to collect that thousand-dollar
reward, thanks to you.

A thousand? She put a thousand
dollars' reward on that little dog?

That's right. A
thousand dollars.

Oh, gee, I'm... I'm sorry.

I had no idea at all she was gonna
put that kind of money on the dog.

If you're so sorry, how come
you ain't out helping me find him?

Well, I would help you look,

but then... but then if I found the dog,
then you'd owe me a thousand dollars,

and I... I couldn't live with myself
knowing you owed me that kind of money.

Don't... Don't feel bad. You
have enough to worry about.

I'm gonna go
console Miss Denise.

She must need someone
desperately about now.

[WHISTLES]

Here, Andre.

53 glasses, seven
chairs, three tables...

This is gonna take quite
some time to figure out, Ben.

[SNORES]

Miss Andre.

[WHINES]

Mmm.

[KISSES]

[LAUGHS]

[BARKS]

Andre. Andre!

I see you found the dog.

- Yeah, yeah, Pa.
- Yeah.

- What happened to you?
- Never mind what happened to me.

- Get that dog right back to that woman.
- Yes, sir.

That Big Man's got
a chin like an anvil.

[SOBS]

Now, now, now,
now, now, don't cry.

- Somebody'll find Andre.
- Oh, yes.

Had nothing to eat for hours.

- Poor thing.
- Poor thing?

Is that all you can
say? Poor thing?

Oh, Denise, you're
just upset, that's all.

Fillmore, if you had one
little concern about Andre,

you would be out
there looking for him.

You know, Miss
Denise is right, Fillmore.

The poor little pup could
be starving somewhere.

Now, if Little Joe is willing
to show me around the town,

I'll be happy to hunt for Andre.

How would I know what a nice dog like
that would be doing in a town like this?

Fillmore is right.

If you care for me at all, Little
Joe, you would be out, oui?

- Oui.
- [KNOCKING]

Oh! Oh.

Oh, oh.

Here he is, safe and sound.

Oh, my naughty little boy.

Oh, I will never let you
out of my sight again, never.

Oh, baby.

As for you...

That is for being careless.

- Oh, that poor, poor beautiful dog.
- Baby, baby.

- Oh, look how hungry he looks.
- Yeah.

Let's buy him a steak.

Little Joe, Andre
will love you forever.

- Oh, and I'm gonna love Andre.
- Oh, give me kiss.

- Come on, dear.
- Excusez-moi.

- JOE: Pardon me, brute.
- DENISE: Baby.

Come on, I'll buy you a beer.

I don't know whether I
need a beer or a beefsteak.

[SINGS "SUR LE PONT
D'AVIGNON" IN FRENCH]

[GASPS] Little Joe, that hat.

- It's a hat.
- I have got to try it on.

- Do you mind?
- Mm-hm. Oh.

Hey, Hoss, isn't
that the fella who...?

- Yeah.
- Watch this, kid.

I'm gonna get one of those
Cartwrights by hook or crook.

Sit down, Mr. Fillmore.
This is gonna be interesting.

[CHUCKLES]

But, look, that... that guy's
twice the size of your brother.

Yeah, ain't it
terrible? [CHUCKLES]

That's nice.

You're a Cartwright, aren't you?

Hmm? Yeah, yeah,
Joe Cartwright. Nice to...

[MOUTHING]

Little Joe, stop picking on
that man and go find my Andre.

Oh.

- [BARKS]
- [LAUGHTER]

Andre, come back!

What are you just sitting there
for? Why don't you help me?

I'm tired, little brother. That’ll teach
you to be so careless. Go catch him.

Go on. You'll have a ball.

Oh, Andre.

[LAUGHTER]

I'll get him!

[BARKS]

Hey, Andre?

[WHISTLES]

You lose your horse, Little Joe?
You wanna ride home with Hop Sing?

No, no, no. I got troubles,
Hop Sing. You go on ahead.

Boy, are you
lucky. Are you lucky.

Do you realize that if somebody
else had found that dog,

you'd have been out a
thousand dollars now,

a thousand dollars
which you do not have?

Nobody knows any
better than I do, Pa.

- [HOP SING SINGS]
- I sure hope you've learned your lesson.

I learned my lesson all right.

The only thing is, I... I
don't know about Little Joe.

I don't know whether he
learned his lesson or not.

Tell him about the fight, Joe.

What fight?

Uh, fight.

Oh, yeah, I was talking
to Bruno yesterday

and he told me you had another
fight over there in the Silver Dollar

and you broke a
whole bunch of bottles.

Joe, that ain't the fight
I was talking about.

Tell Pa about your fight.

Your fight?

Tell him about the window, Joe.
Tell him about the whole thing.

What window? What
fight and what window?

Well, the window over there in
the, uh, in the... millinery shop.

There's a window in it and I was sitting
there watching Miss Denise's little dog.

Oh, that dog again.

And, well, she was
inside trying on a hat.

You know how women
are. They love to try on hats.

I know you know about women.

And, uh, well, that Big Man
that you had all the trouble with

came up and he punched
me right through the window,

and when I went
through it, it broke...

and, uh, I mashed a whole
bunch of them little hats

and I busted up this...
this kind of dummy in there,

and a corset got unstrung and...

[SIGHS] And you don't have any money
to pay for any of this damage, do you?

I don't have any
money to pay for it.

You don't have any money.

That Big Man is costing
me a fortune, just a fortune.

[SINGS]

- What are you so happy about?
- Hop Sing happy, very happy.

Yes, I can see that.

I could use a little happiness
right now. What's it all about?

Have hunch what make me happy
is make Mr. Hoss more unhappy.

You see, Hop Sing
going to be rich, very rich.

Hop Sing, how do you figure that
whatever will make you very rich

will make me unhappy?

- I don't understand.
- Hop Sing earn a lot of money.

Well, don’t be so
inscrutable. What is it? What?

How did you earn a lot of money?

[SPEAKS CHINESE]

[ANDRE WHINES]

- Oh.
- Hey, Andre.

- I'll take him back to Miss Denise.
- Hop Sing take him back.

Cute little doggy make
Hop Sing wealthy man.

Get one thousand dollar
reward from Mr. Hoss

soon as I take little doggy
back to Missy Denise.

[SPEAKS CHINESE]

I didn't have the heart to tell him
there wasn't any reward anymore.

You cancel an ad,
you cancel the reward.

Hoss, you... you did cancel
the reward, didn't you?

Did you cancel the reward?

You’ll just have to pay
him the thousand dollars.

You’ll just have to pay him the
thousand dollars. Didn't cancel...

[LAUGHS]

Wait a minute, Pa. Little Joe
lost that dog this time, not me.

So what if I lost the dog? I didn't
put the ad in the paper. You did.

I took the dog back after I...

I never said anything
about a thousand dollars.

Joe, I took the dog back...

Hold it, hold it, hold
it, hold it, hold it!

You're both involved.

You're both stuck.

You'll both pay equally.

Is that understood? And I don't
wanna hear another word about it.

I've just heard about
everything, everything.

You don't really think Hop Sing'd
hold us to that reward, do you?

- I mean, he's one of the family.
- ♪ One thousand dollar

♪ One thousand dollar...

- He would.
- He would.

Yes, and I don't blame him.

I tell you what I'd
do if I were you two.

I'd go right into town
and put another ad in

canceling that first
stupid ad of yours,

just in case Miss Denise
loses that dog again.

Then you'll be stuck for
another thousand dollars.

He's right. Let's get
in there. Come on.

That'd be two thousand dollars.

[SIGHS]

Dogs, Big Man and rewards.

You got something there
that belongs to me, friend.

Oh, you make big mistake. Little
doggy belong to Missy Denise.

Yeah, you're right there, but I'm
the one that's taking him to her.

I let you do that, then you get
big reward instead of Hop Sing.

Yeah. I know you're with
that miserable Cartwright clan.

But you sure don't think
like them. You got sense.

So just hand over that yapping
mongrel and we'll part peaceful like.

You say I got
sense and you right.

More sense than to
let you get big reward.

Now, if you got
sense, you let me by.

I can't say I ain't
gonna enjoy this.

I finally found me a Cartwright
that I can work over real good.

[HOP SING YELLS]

Hmm!

Did... Did you see that?

I sure did.

I tell you this, I ain't
never gonna complain

about no burnt chicken no more.

- Oh.
- [HOP SING CHUCKLES]

Oh.

Oh, baby, baby.

Oh, Andre. Don't
you ever do that again.

Hop Sing think small hoosegow

is a good place to keep
little doggy safe from danger.

Oh, how can I thank
you? I must reward you.

You returned my precious
love and you must not refuse.

Here. You must
take it. Five dollar.

Hop Sing no can
understand woman.

When money is belong to you,
little doggy is only worth five dollar.

When money is belong
to Mr. Hoss and Little Joe,

little doggy is worth
one thousand dollar.

Confucius have nothing
to say to describe woman.

Now I understand.

Giddyap. Hah!

Oh, Andre.

My baby.

[WHINES]

Andre.

Oh, honey. Andre loves you.

- Look.
- Yes, ma'am, he sure does.

DENISE: You poor man.

- Want to hold him?
- Yes, thank you.

Oui.

May we have the
roast beef now, please?

May we please have
the roast beef now?

[FOOTSTEPS]

For our guest.

And please serve from the left.

More bread, please.

More bread coming up.

- JOE: I heard him, I heard him.
- More wine, please.

- More wine.
- I heard. I heard.

That's no way to serve bread.

[JOE MUTTERS]

Hop Sing.

- Skol.
- Skol.