03x00 - St. Perfect's Day

[bunniefuu]

First of f*cking many, boys.

- This an Irish Car b*mb?
- That's offensive.

- That's an Irish Hand Grenade.
- You shouldn't call it that.

- What's the difference?
- Well, in Irish Car Bombs,

you drop the sh*t of Irish whiskey

and the sh*ts of Irish Cream
down into a pints of stout.

Which is also presumably Irish.

Sounds a lot like an Irish Hand Grenade.

The difference is, in
an Irish Hand Grenades,

you wedge the sh*ts of Irish whiskey

and the sh*ts of Irish Cream into
the tops of the pints of stout.

Which is also presumably Irish.

Then you grab the
sh*ts of Irish whiskey,

pulls it out like you would
the pins of a hand grenade,

do the sh*ts of whiskey and
then you drink the Irish cream

what's fallen down into the stouts.

Enough talking.

(EXHALES)

- That's a good sh*t.
- It's a really good sh*t.

Well, it's a great sh*t and you should
just call it something different,

- is what I'm saying.
- Why?

Yeah, it's just the names of the drinks.

You wanna know what? Go over
and tell somebody who grew up

in Northern Ireland in the s that.

Go ahead and try and tell them that.

Here comes Wayne, the
St. Pat's poopy pants.

Well, I don't wanna be a St.
Patrick's Day poopy pants.

All's I'm saying is that
we're missing the mark here.

Well, here he comes to poop the party.

Well, here's the scoop
and I'm gonna tell you.

Every single year we have this
nice St. Patrick's Day party

at our very own Ag Hall

and every single year degens
from up country come up

and they f*cking ruin it.

We got the hockey team
running security this year.

Not sure how I feel
about skids DJing though.

I agree because
Agricultural Halls are for?

ALL: Agricultural music.

Go clean your bum, poopy.

All's I'm saying is that
it's a little bit hypocritical

for us to be mad at
degens from up country

for not respecting our
St. Patrick's Day party

when we, ourselves, are
not respecting St. Patrick.

I'm just saying if somebody's
got their f*cking day,

- give them their f*cking day.
- You aren't even religious.

Who's got that kind of money?

Well played.

Yeah, but I hears they
likes to get pretty banged up

in Irelands today, too.

I hear they like to get pretty
banged up in Ireland most days.

St. Patrick's Day should be about,

- well, sh*t St. Patrick did.
- Like what?

Well, he drove the snakes
out of Ireland, for one.

They never had no snakes in no Irelands.

I was never told they
had no snakes in Ireland.

No snakes is a metaphor
for druid priests.

It's a metaphor, you see.

The druid priests inhabited
Ireland before the Christians did

and they believed in, like, animal
and f*cking human sacrifices and sh*t.

Sounds like something
Joe Rogan might do.

- He's a pretty good guy.
- Joe Rogan's a great guy.

Yeah, Joe Rogan is a great guy.

I wonder what Joe Rogan would do?

Well, probably some DMT.

Well,

I guess there ain't no reason
to get excited. And well,

I'm starting to get a bit drunk.

Well, there you go, poopy.

I suppose as long as
everyone's having a good time

there ain't no reason
to be a poopy pants.

- (VEHICLE APPROACHING)
- Well, good timing, brother.

Let's get hammered.

Don't have to tell me twice.

(MUSIC BLARING ON CAR STEREO)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Subtitle by peritta

Thanks for the ride, and
have yourself a fantastic day!

Thank you, Seth.

- I'd have a beer.
- How's your beer, Dary?

- I'd have a beer.
- I'm making a Caesar.

- Have a f*cking beer.
- I'd have a beer.

You know what that was? You
wanna know what that was?

It was entertainment.
Entertainment's what that was.

I am a hape.

A hape as the Irish would say.

That was the best St.
Patrick's Day party ever.

St. Perfect's Day is what that was.

Yeah!

I don't remember anything.

- You don't?
- Wait...

No, I don't remember anything.

- Nothing?
- No.

Well, you never lost consciousness.

I came to in the back
of Seth's truck there.

On account of fresh air, likely.

Yeah, a glass of water, a bit
of fresh air, that'll do it, bud.

I got the fear.

- Yeah, glass of water.
- I'm scared.

Bit of fresh air.

- I don't know who I talked to.
- Yeah, that'll do it.

I don't know what I said to who.

Dary, I know what you did,
I know who you talked to

and I know what people
are saying about you today.

- I'm frightened.
- You...

... are a f*cking legend, Dary.

What?

You are a f*cking legend, Dary.

No!

You are Legen-Dary.

- Wayne?
- So they tell me.

What? Where were you?

Out having a dart likely.

With who?

McMurray, how are you now?

- Good and you?
- Not so bad.

Well, a little balmy out here.

Yeah, it's a bit balmy for
f*cking March, isn't it?

Mmm-hmm.

I'm gonna speak candidly now, Wayne.

I'm feeling a little bit apprehensive.

- Uh-oh.
- Yes, sir.

There's an awful lot of degens inside

and I am not too happy about it.

- Not one little bit.
- Not one little drill bit.

- Negatory.
- That's not one bell pepper.

Mmm-mmm. I'm wound pretty
tight, I can feel it.

Well, you better simmer.

Yes, I better simmer down now.

Glass of water, bit of
fresh air, that'll do it.

No, no, no, it's them degens

with their pantone green sleeveless T's.

Their avocado green beads
and their mantis green leis

when everyone knows leis are
exclusively f*cking Hawaiian!

It's infuriating!

Well, here's the scoop
and I'm gonna tell you.

We're all hypocrites here,

but so long as everyone's
having a good time,

ain't no reason to be a poopy pants.

Yeah. You're right. An
"A" for effort, Wayne.

But the pep talk missed the mark.

I'm going back inside

to keep an eye on Mrs.
McMurray and Bonnie.

I got a feeling right now
security's already sh*t-faced.

- Good enough.
- Enjoy the ciggie.

(UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Night of our lives, boys.

Love that hustle,
boys. Love that hustle!

- Wanna see that jam, boys.
- Love that jam, boys.

Looking at the jam, dawgs.

Jam, boys, jam boys. Good night.

Tonight we'll dig deep. Balls out.

- Bardownski.
- Always bardownski.

Boys, boys, boys...

- You can't kick it down.
- You can't kick it down.

- You can't kick it down.
- Yeah!

Boys, we're at this level, right?

Tonight, we're gonna get...

(SHOUTING)

It went in my nose,
and I'm not even mad.

I'm not even mad.

So I'm a legend?

You are a f*cking legend, Dary.

You are Legen-Dary.

(CHUCKLES)

All right.

Well, whip it out for me.

Well, does you remember the leprechaun?

No, I don't remember the leprechaun.

Well, the leprechaun

spelled stage one of
you becoming Legen-Dary.

No real significance
to St. Patrick's Day.

I did know that.
Leprechauns are mythological

Faerie folk believed to
have inhabited Ireland

- before the Celts.
- A- , bud.

And last night I gots to be one.

Now first off,

the skids were playing the weirdest song

that I'll admits,

I later grew to
appreciates and treasure.

But I was just standing
there minding my own beeswax,

enjoying a green beer

and a corned beef and cabbage sandwich

made by Bonnie McMurray

who's over there looking
just as sweet as juice.

Which is the traditional
St. Patrick's Day sandwich.

Hers were extra special on account
of the spicy Dijon-dill mustard

she slaps on there and
the garlic pickle garnish.

I noticed some degens from up country

are picking on Letterkenny's very own

St. Perfect's Day mascot, Pitter Paddy.

And I know that it's David
Hoffstettler's brother

Dwight under that costume,
and he's a little bit slow,

so I felts compelled to intervene.

But before I could, Dwight
Hoffstettler's decided

he's had enough he
peels off the costume,

throws it on the floor
in a heap and stomps off.

I sees an opportunity in front of me,

but I concurrently have a corned beef
and cabbage sandwich in my meat handler

and I was planning on
tossing a few more down.

Plus, Bonnie McMurray's
there looking just so comely.

So she's nothing to
run away from, neither.

But I gots to act fast
as I noticed the degens

from up country are having
the same ideas as me.

So I smash the sammich
into my face, walk on over

to where Pitter Paddy's
lying on the floor

like a melted snowman and I picks him up

and makes him my own.

Now, I will admit this was fulfilling

somewhat of a childhood dreams for me,

but what happens next
was more of a fantasy.

I'm sure you guys know
that furry material

does about as much to
hide a boner as spandex,

so I was approaching big
troubles in little China,

but not exactly complaining about it.

I just wish it had been the thunders

from down unders that ruined the party,

because what came next
was certainly unwelcome.

Sammy Sammich, the mascot
of Sammy's Sammiches,

he comes running over
and he's fuming pissed.

And I can understands why.

I'm over here getting hugs and tickles

from pretty gals while
he's standing there

holding a tray of
sammiches like a nut sack.

Now I see he's got a
confrontational look

in his eyes and the scowl mask

doesn't exactly do much to stifles it.

And me being no pushover,

I'm not about to be stared down.

So I return the glare, which produces us

into one bona fide stink-eye stand-off.

Then, quick as a kitten gueef,

the f*cking sandwich tray goes flying,

pot of gold's up in the air

and Sammy Sammich
spears me to the floor.

You would have thought security
would have broken it up,

but Reilly and Jonesy just stood
there like a bunch of ten-ply halfwits

sniffing each other's farts.

I'm about to tap out
like a f*cking sally

when out of nowhere
Legen-Dary comes swooping in

and lays the beats
down on Sammy Sammich.

It was entrancing.

I's was spellbound.

Legen-Dary saved the day.

And with Dary TCB'ing quite handily,

I gathered up my hat
and my green suckers,

and it was backs to business as usual.

- No.
- Hard yes.

- Confirmed?
- So they tell me.

- Where were you?
- Out having a dart likely.

With who?

McMurray, how are you now?

- Good and you?
- Not so bad.

- Hear about Sammy Sammich?
- No.

Well, he's in there starting
scraps with everyone.

I suppose that's appropriate on account
of the scowl he's always wearing.

That's true.

Like, it's not as if you'd expect him
to be in there kissing babies and such.

It's not his fault. It's these
degens from up country, Wayne.

They have a negative effect
on everyone and everything.

They take a beautifully crafted

Floral Embrace bouquet,

this European Fields of Romance bouquet,

this Abundant Love of Mothers bouquet

and they've swapped it out
with a big, fat, slobbery,

wet sh*t in a vase.

I don't know what the f*ck
you're talking about, bud.

They're ruining everything.

I'm not so sure we've
entered that realm yet.

Well, we are on the doorstep, big boy.

We are first cousin to it.

We are a c-hair away
from sheer disaster.

Well, I seen Bonnie and Mrs. McMurray
in there having a decent time.

What?

I guess so long as most
people are having fun

there ain't no reason
to be a poopy pants.

I'm going to get them immediately.

Security's sh*t-faced.

Good enough.

Bonnie!

f*cking big city titties, boys.

Night of our titties, boys.

You know about f*cking nothing.

Bardownskis.

Bardownskis love it.

Dig deep, Meryl Streep.

Love Daryl Streep!

I love Meryl Streep in
The Devil Wears Prada.

- Stanley Tucci!
- Boys, boys, boys!

- Dan, how's your beer?
- I'd have a beer.

- Dary, how's your beer?
- I'd have a beer.

- I'd have a beer.
- Won't ask how your beer's doing then.

I can't believe I got into a fight.

Can you believe you
got into a second fight?

- No. - That's a
Texas-sized - , good buddy.

The second fight is what
spelled stage two for Legen-Dary.

(CHUCKLES) Well, Pitter-Patter.

Well, I'll cater to old
poopy pants back there

and give you guys a bit of a back story.

We're all familiar with Lent?

- Yeah.
- No.

So it's f*cking Sunday school now, Katy?

Lent is a -day season of the year

where Christians try
to get closer to God

by praying and not eating
or getting hammered.

Fasting is what it's
called. It's called fasting.

Christians are encouraged to
give something up for Lent.

And I thought that was kind of nice.

And, you know, with
spring break coming up

and all, I thought that
I would give up sex.

That's too much f*cking info.

Too much of anything isn't good for you.

Even apples.

I've never heard that
argument about mixing a batch.

However, St. Patrick's Day

falls within the days of Lent

and Lenten restrictions
are lifted for the day.

You're not even a
f*cking Christian, Katy.

- Well, who's got that kind of money?
- Well played.

So, I went to get laid.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(SIGHS) Legendary.

You know, you're really good
at making an entrance, Katy.

And that's what I appreciates about you.

Oh, is that what you...

No, that makes sense.

Why don't you take about five percent
off her over there, Squirrelly Dan.

Yeah, no, that's fair.

Well, you had Sammy
Sammich all locked up

in a Texas cloverleaf, which of course

is not to be confused with
the Scorpions Deathlock.

I'm not sure I know what that is.

What, the Texas cloverleaf
or the Scorpions Deathlock?

Well, either.

You're interplanetary, bud.

- Really?
- So they tell me.

- Where were you?
- Well, out having a dart likely.

With who?

McMurray, how are you now?

- sh*t. And you?
- Well, not so bad.

I can't take it, Wayne.
I've had it. I've had it.

f*ck, you've been into
the Irish whiskey, eh, bud?

- Scotch. I'm Scottish.
- Well, sure you are.

Scottish and Serbian.

Say, you ever heard
of that song by Rihanna

- called Disturbia?
- You mean,

"Number one on the
U.S. Billboard Top

- for two consecutive weeks" Disturbia?
- Yeah.

You mean "People's Choice For
Favorite Pop Song" Disturbia?

- Yeah.
- Recorded for the album,

Good Girl Gone Bad: Reloaded,

which was a re-release of
the Barbadian pop star's

third studio album,

- Good Girl Gone Bad, Disturbia?
- Yeah.

I think I might have some idea.

So don't you think it
would be kind of funny

if Weird Al or someone like that

did a version of it called, In Serbia?

Okay. How would that go?

Well, like, instead
of singing "Disturbia,"

you'd sing "In Serbia."

Okay.

Like, you'd pretty near
have to sh**t a music video

in Serbia to really
drive home that joke.

You think that would be funny?

Yeah, I think it could be pretty funny.

Can't take it, Wayne. Can't.

Ready to snap and ready
to f*cking lose it.

A glass of water, bit of
fresh air, that'll do it.

Not that, Wayne, it's them degens

from up country coming down here

and showing no respect at
our St. Paddy's Day party.

Well, to be fair, our
St. Patrick's Day party

shows no respect for St. Patrick.

Not just that. I can't
find Mrs. McMurray.

You wanna know what, so long as
everyone's having a good time,

ain't no reason to be a poopy pants.

Everyone is not having a good time.

Well, so long as most people
are having a good time,

ain't no reason to be a poopy pants.

Most people are not having a good time.

Is anyone having a good time?

No.

Then I shall be a poopy pants.

Do you wanna know what?

I think I got a solution to
serve all parties involved.

Yeah?

Do you know why we
celebrate St. Patrick's Day?

No. I'm Scottish.

It's to celebrate St. Patrick
bringing Christianity to Ireland

and driving out the druid priests

or "the snakes."

And why would he do that?

Well, to separate the bad
from the good, essentially.

Sounds like a pretty good guy.

So, what say we honor St. Patrick

while also serving our own
St. Patrick's Day agenda

and drive the snakes out of Letterkenny?

You mean the degens from up country?

Let's hope they got their
jammie jams on, good buddy.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(INAUDIBLE)

You are a f*cking legend, Dary.

He's Legen-Dary.

Guess we really f*cked that pig.

Well, I don't think we've seen
the last of degens from up country.

Good! (EXCLAIMS)

Door's wide open!

Door's always open!

But...

at least we did well by St. Patrick.

And even more importantly,

by our own.

(COUGHS)

- Breakfast?
- After choring.

- I'll go make some Caesars.
- Well...

- Who's choring?
- I'll chore.

All right, Squirrelly Dan,
more hands make less work.

I'm coming. I just need
a moments to reflect.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

- WAYNE: Squirrelly Dan!
- Yeah, no, I'm coming!

Whoo-hoo.