01x02 - Daryl's Super Soft Birthday

[bunniefuu]

You heard a couple nut sacks
talkin' about hockey the other day...

- This kid.
- Kid is a f*ckin' stud.

- Kid's a f*ckin' beauty.
- f*ckin' look at this kid.

f*ckin' love this kid.

- Kid lights lamp.
- Hashtag lamp life.

Eat, sleep, lamp.

Don't give him too much
space, buddy. He'll dangle.

He'll dangle all the
f*ckin' way to outer space.

Suck some Martian
titties up there, boys.

Just getting super sloppy
all over our space dinks.

Silky mittens, top tittens. Ferda boys.

- Ferda!
- Ferda!

Big roadie to the big
city this weekend, Schmelt.

Do you know what that means?

Um...

Suckin' city titty, idiot.

Suckin' all that big city titty, idiot.

All up that big city slam piece.

Big city slams, idiot.

Big city billet moms.
Big city billet sisters.

Let's get our dinks sucked on, boys.

Yes.

Hey, how's school going, Schmelt?

- It's going...
- Just kidding. We don't give a f*ck.

Get our pops, Schmelt.

Big city slams, Schmelt.

(IMITATING AIR HORN)

- How are ya now?
- Not so bad.

Good and you?

Not too bad.

Have you sh*t yourself?

You look like you've
got an awkward boner.

- Don't.
- Don't what?

Dan?

Did you know that Daryl used
to get boners every morning

in grade nine during O Canada?

No sh*t.

Yep.

Just could not get through O
Canada without getting a boner.

Give a young man idle seconds
and he's gonna get a boner.

We talked about this.

Is there something you
want to talk about now?

Well, I was wondering if this year
we could skip the birthday party?

Skip your super soft birthday
party? Are you f*ckin' high?

Hard no.

DAN: Daryl's super soft birthday party?

Every year, Daryl's
mom used to throw him

these birthday parties
when he was a kid.

Softest birthday party on planet Earth.

Boy band karaoke, cupcake
decoration station,

charcuterie.

One year, his mom had him a "Make
the world a better place" party.

One year they dressed a
horse up like a unicorn

and he was never really
the same after that.

It's not funny.

I used to take a lot of
teasing in school for those.

Aw, should I get you a tissue, Sally?

No, he'll have one in his purse.

Or maybe his clutch.

Party's happening, Daryl.
You don't f*ck with tradition.

DAN: So. The agenda.

After your dust up over the weekend,
safe to assume you're fighting again?

- Co-rect.
- Ten-four, good buddy.

Well, it's gonna be a busy week 'cause
there's a few guys walking around town

claiming to be the toughest
guys in Letterkenny.

I'm the toughest guy in Letterkenny.

You were the toughest guy in
Letterkenny. It's been some time.

Now, it's safe to assume that

that title is as important
to you now as it was then?

Does a duck with a boner drag weeds?

Ten-four, good buddy!

Then it's safe to assume

that the challengers will
be coming up around the farm,

as that is how you've
conducted business in the past.

Well, I was never one for an audience.

All right, let's talk
about the challengers.

First up, we've got Sled Ted.

Why's he called Sled Ted?

Well, he likes fixin'
sleds, and ridin' sleds,

and talkin' about sleds.

He just really likes sleddin', boys.

Uh, he b*at up a guy named Basic Jay.

Why's he called Basic Jay?

'Cause he's a f*ckin' basic.

DAN: And now he thinks he's
the toughest guy in Letterkenny.

After that we have Rat Ass.

Why's he called Rat Ass?

'Cause he's got a hairy ass like a rat.

Can confirm.

He b*at up a guy named Brains.

See, his name's Brian
but he spelt it Brain

in the computer at bowling
one time. It just kinda stuck.

DAN: Now he thinks he's the
toughest guy in Letterkenny.

And after that, we got Joint Boy.

Because he smokes lots of joints, Dairy.

Well, just plucking the low
hanging fruit is what that is.

I've seen that guy take on four
bouncers at the rippers one time.

He is otherworldly.

Got a dome on him like
an Easter Island statue.

Is he single?

Not that it matters, I guess.

Look,

keep it at the end of the lane way.

No degens on the property.

- That's a Texas size - .
- Over and out.

One time, my cousin...

He tore open his ball sack
trying to do a skateboard trick

and he had to show it to his mum.

Was it his scrotal sack?

Well, you know.

That dangly piece of flesh,
what hangs down behind the penis.

- Scrotal sack.
- The nut sack.

So, he tore his ball sack open
trying to do a skateboard trick

and he's gots to show it to his mum

because apparently one of
his testicles was showing.

Was it the right one or the left one?

Why is that of importance?

Well, because the left
one has more sperm in it.

Spermatozoa is what it's called.

Tell you what, if I ripped open my ball
sack trying to do a skateboard trick,

I'd be more worried about
seeing my vas deferens.

Well, you'd have to tear your ball sack

pretty near wide open
doing a skateboard trick

if you wanted to see
your own vas deferens.

I'm not sure I wanna
see my own vas deferens

I think if I saw my own vas deferens,

I'd be quite worried.

I'd be most worried if
I tore my ball sack open

trying to do a skateboard trick

if I could see my accessory glands.

Well, you don't want to go too
kooky with accessories on your truck.

Or your jeep.

It's okay with like, a quad, though,

like my buddy Big T's got a snorkel
kit on his and that's pretty punk rock.

What's an accessory gland?

Well, if your vas deferens
is your sperm ducts,

the accessory glands is what
supplies lubricant to the sperm duct.

I think if I ripped open my ball
sack trying to do a skateboard trick,

I'd be most worried about
seeing my seminal vesicles.

Oh, like the Florida
State seminal vesicles?

Like the sack that hangs
behind your vas deferens

and contains fructose

which is energy for the sperm.

Yeah, it's like when you go in the city
there and they got them charge stations

for the people that
drive the electric cars.

That's pretty much
your seminal vesticles.

I thought it was
pretty funny when I said

Florida State seminal
vesicles and nobody laughed.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello.

Okay.

End of the lane way.
Don't come up the property.

Good.

Sled Ted's here.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Geez, Basic Jay must have been a
sh*t fighter to lose to that ass-hat.

I've known Basic Jay to
be a pretty tough dude.

He's not really a f*ckin' basic.

Guess he could have had a cold.

Or the flu.

Sled Ted had Bigfoot hands.

Yeah, he's a big grimy brute.

sh*t fighter, though.

Well, most likely Rat Ass
will be your next dude.

I hear that he is a greaser.

Can confirm.

So f*ckin' greasy I
almost don't want to.

I saw him with his shirt off,

swimming at the gravel
pit not that long ago.

His back acne was extraordinary.

Well, like, extraordinary how?

Well, like, I thought about
it for a while after is all.

Well, elaborate, 'cause I'm
likely gonna have to touch it.

Well, like how it was cultivated.

WAYNE: Well, by not showering likely.

Likely.

Let's get into some of those
f*ckin' all dressed chips.

WAYNE: Jesus, Katy, put
some f*ckin' clothes on.

- Not my forte.
- Unfortunate.

Hey, neighbor said he's not
gonna give us a horse this year.

What?

Well, he said that last
year we returned him

and his breath smelled like alcohol.

Well, it was probably mine.

You could have lit my
breath on fire the next day.

Horse was half cut though.

He said that he's
gonna give us a donkey.

Nope.

Might be funny.

Gotta be a horse. You
don't f*ck with tradition.

You're really gonna pump the brakes
on a donkey dressed up like a unicorn?

Oh, I'm stompin' the brakes.

You put that idea right
through the f*ckin' windshield.

But it's a donkey
dressed up like a unicorn.

Katy!

Well, it's better than
a kick in the pants.

Do you want this to be the
softest birthday party ever or not?

I want this just as much as you do.

Well, then find us a horse.

Please and thank you.

And don't stay out in the sun too long.

Your skin will look
like an old saddle bag.

Yeah.

(PHONE RINGING)

(PHONE RINGING)

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello.

Okay.

End of the lane way.
Don't come up the property.

Good.

Rat Ass is here.

Keep it standing.

This goes to the ground, we stand up.

Okay.

This goes to a clinch,

we separate.

Great. Let's go!

All right. So, hit me.

Fight him or shut the f*ck up.

I'll give you a free one.

What the f*ck is this?

Let's f*ckin' do this.

Just f*ckin' square off.

WAYNE: Hey! He's pulling
hair, he's pulling hair.

Break 'em up, break 'em up.

Come on, come on!

DAN: I'm gonna clock
this shitty wolverine.

(YELLING)

Hit me. Come on. I love pain.

- Look at the execution, boys.
- Look at the hustle, boys.

Ding.

You guys made the liquor run, right?

- I was Donny Drives the car.
- I was Nicki Navigates.

But, uh...

We couldn't find a lot
of the stuff on the list.

- Yeah.
- Like what?

Uh, well...

Uh, there's ingredients

that I don't think you
can get in Letterkenny.

Yeah.

So, go to the city.

Yeah, but we got practice
in a couple of hours.

We're gonna crush a
couple sandos before, too.

Grab some nappies, maybe?

We haven't had our pre-game naps either.

- Nappies are nappies. Ferda.
- Ferda.

Well, we need everything on the list.

So, what drinks do you
need ingredients for?

Uh,

Corebelo Love Potion.

Uh, Purple Passion Punch.

Lemon Gingerini.

Apricot Toblerone Cocktail.

Couldn't find a Flirtini.

Couldn't find Sparkling
Mango Sorbet Float.

Don't... Don't know really what that is.

Well, that's all of them.

- Ye... Yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah.

Look, I have about a
million things to do if this

is gonna be the softest
birthday party ever.

If you guys don't get me
everything on the list,

you'll be pulling each
other's horns from now on.

(PHONE BEEPS)

Pitter-patter!

(BOTH GROANING)

So far!

Big f*ckin' day, Dairy. Big f*ckin' day!

- Big f*ckin' day!
- Ow.

Happy birthday, it's
your special day Dairy.

DAN: Birthday beats! Birthday beats!

- Ow.
- Oh, that's not polite, Katy.

You really are a Sally.

That's the most action I've seen

since I gave the dairy
cows' teats a good scrubbin'.

I don't need to know that.

You're pretty good at
wrestling there, Katy,

and that's what I appreciates about you.

Is that what you appreciate about me?

Let's go easy over
there, squirrelly Dan.

Yeah. Oh, hey, look at you, ground.

So, tell me about this guy, Joint Boy.

Well, I'm not gonna sugar
coats it for you, Wayne.

This guy looks like an Australian
rugbies player, chiseled out of stones.

Got this big entourage of guys,

bald-headed, bearded dudes what looks
like a whole bunch of surly uncles.

You think we should call The Ginger?

Mmm.

No.

DARYL: Why not? He's tougher than hell.

WAYNE: Yeah, but...

Well, like you heard he
f*cked an ostrich, right?

He what?

He f*cked an ostrich.

Allegedly.

How does a fella get caught
up in that sort of business?

Well, I guess his cousin

had an ostrich farm

when he thought it
might be fun to f*ck one.

Allegedly.

So, he got hard

somehow

and he f*cked an ostrich.

That's f*cked.

That's a felony.

Dairy. Hey, Dairy.

This one's for you.

Oh.

DARYL: Hey, Joint Boy's here.

Which one of youse is Wayne?

We got some business.

You had yourself a scrap the
other weekend at Modean's.

What's it to ya?

You left the dude pretty banged up.

We done talking?

You wanna come to a
super soft birthday party?

Happy birthday, Dairy.

It's really more for them, ain't it?

What is?

DAN: All this.

- No, it's not. It's cream cheese.
- No.

That's cream cheese.

- No.
- Yeah, that's cream cheese.

Just go...

Jesus!

You remember they weren't allowed
to have birthday parties growing up.

They had to go bucky at mine.

DAN: All they do is go
alls out, don'ts they?

DARYL: That's a Texas size - .

You know, if Joint Boy and
his pals hadn't showed up,

I figure this would have been
the softest birthday ever.

That's a small victory
for you, I suppose.

I was worried.

Thought I might have to get Stewart and
the Skids to come over here and start

hoovering up that
white powder of theirs.

DARYL: Anything for a little
bit of an edge, am I right?

DAN: The white stuff.

The snooter.

The devil's dandruff.

The dander.

I... I hoovered up a bit
of the schneef in my day.

You ever hoovered barnyard schneef?

I've hoovered behind
the manure pile schneef.

You ever hoovered schneef
off a sleeping cow's spine?

I've hoovered schneef off
of an awake cow's teat.

What are the odds that
I ride him home bareback?

Gonna hurt your balls, bro.

Good going.

Oh, yeah.

You ever hoovered library schneef?

I've hoovered schneef
off of the cover of

Gordon Korman's This Can't Be
Happening at Macdonald Hall.

You wanna come home with me?

You can sleep in my bed.

- He'd break it.
- He'd break your bed.

His d*ck alone would break your bed.

- I saw that too.
- I... Yeah.

It was really big.

(PHONE BEEPING)

(PHONE BEEPING)

(PHONE BEEPING)

You ever hoovered Sunday school schneef?

I've hoovered schneef off the
collection plate in the rectory.

Do you know what d*ck dingers are?

Yep.

You know that movie

with the guy who whispers to horses.

Brokeback Mountain?

- No.
- No.

DARYL: That's the toughest
guy in Letterkenny.

(BLOWING PARTY WHISTLE)