02x06 - Finding Stormy a Stud

[bunniefuu]

You're having thirsty Thursday
with your pals the other day.

It was my cousin's sixth
birthday party yesterday.

- Which cousin?
- Samuel.

I f*ckin' hate Samuel.

Well, Samuel likes you.

f*ckin' hate Samuel so much.

Well, Samuel's not so bad.

I seen Samuel in the laundry
room with the cat one time.

You just know that little fucker's
gonna put him in the dryer.

That's a hasty conclusion.

Not if you seen Samuel
trying to put himself

in there minutes earlier.

I seen Samuel snort a line of
Fun Dip on his fifth birthday.

Well, it's reason f*ckin' five million

I didn't go to his sixth birthday party.

He was doing a Fun Dip dry rip.

A what?

Or rippsin' a Fun Dip dry one.

Well, what's that?

Well, in schneef terms,

if you do a line of schneef
before you've ingested

any booze to alter your judgment,

it's called doing a dry rip.

Or rippsin' a dry one.

Doin' dry rips is a pretty good
indication you got a schneef problem.

You got yourselves a schneef issue.

Well, yous ever done a dry rip?

- Well, back in the day.
- In the glory days.

- Yeah, I done a dry rip.
- I'd a rips a dry one.

Not sure if rippin' a
Fun dip dry rip would

have the same effect,

but doin' it is still a pretty good
indication you got some sort of problem.

Well, hoopin' Fun Dip definitely
wouldn't have the same effects,

but it's definitely an indication

you got yourselves a problem.

Well, what's hoopin'?

Well, that's instead of
taking the dr*gs orally's

or intranasally's,
you take 'em anally's.

What the f*ck you talking about now?

Well, instead of down
the hatch or up the nose,

you take 'em in the pooper.

Wait, you put dr*gs up your pooper?

That's the fastest way to
absorbs 'em into your systems.

Do you mean like you take
the dr*gs with your hand...

Well, then you put 'em up your pooper?

Correct.

But you don't poop 'em out?

No, your pooper absorbs 'em.

Well, isn't that curious.

Hoopin' Fun Dip definitely

wouldn't have the same
effect as hoopin' schneef.

But doing it is still probably
a pretty good indication

you got some sort of a problem.

I guess a Fun Dip d*ck dinger
wouldn't be the ends of the world.

You wanna know what? I heard
my friends J.P. and J.W.

talk about Fun Dip
d*ck dingers one time.

Well, whose d*ck was gettin' dinged?

Well, I thought it was
a bit intrusive to ask

whose d*ck was gettin' dinged.

As long as they're
both consentin' adults,

it really doesn't matter
whose d*ck's gettin' dinged.

Well, I really hope
the Fun Dip candy stick

isn't going to waste in all this.

Do you wanna know what? I pulled my
first all-nighter with my friend Chad

in grade eight playing
Pokemans and eating Fun Dip.

Oh, waits.

If...

If Samuel's already been takin'

Fun Dips orally's and intranasally's...

Yeah, we should probably
go check on Samuel.

I f*ckin' hate Samuel so much.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Subtitle by peritta

You got any dates lined
up this week, good buddy?

Nah, I'm gonna put that bullshit
on the back burner for a bit, bud.

Soft, literally.

Parks 'er behind the barn for a bits?

- Ten-ply.
- No.

Gotta find Stormy a
stud. That's a priority.

She's a beautiful dog.

Oh, she's a real beauty.

No, she's a gorgeous dog.

She just tries to k*ll
her studs, is the thing.

Well, that's my girl.

Maybe you should takes her
in for a fingers in the bum.

Are you f*ckin' preoccupied?

That's only the answer sometimes.

Squirrelly Dan working' Squirrelly OT.

Not all the time.

- Just to checks.
- Sometimes.

Are you f*ckin' preoccupied?

Doesn't matter what
you takes her in for.

As sure as a bush is
gonna break your fall,

Stormy's gonna get
some fingers in the bum.

- How deep?
- f*ck's sake.

- What do ya means, how deep?
- How many knuckles?

Like how many knuckles deep?

Yeah, are we talking about a
one-knuckler or a two-knuckler?

Oh, be at least a three-knuckler
to gets to the bottom of this.

- Oh, see, now, that's too many.
- Is not.

Well, a person's got two knuckles

so you're saying that
the vet would have to

fire a three-knuckler up Stormy's bum

to get to the bottom of it?

A person has three knuckles.

Well, a person has two knuckles.

- Figure it out.
- A person has three knuckles.

You figure it out.

A person's got two knuckles, okay?

- One, two.
- Three.

You forgots about the little
knuckles underneath the fingernails.

Well, see now, that's not
a knuckle, though, Dan.

To be a knuckle, you gotta be
able to punch somebody with it.

You can't punch
somebody with the knuckle

underneath the findernail, can you?

Can too.

Well, you'll be looking
pretty f*ckin' silly.

First knuckle, one knuckler.
Second knuckle, two-knuckler.

Third knuckle, three-knuckler.

So then by your logic
the vet would have to

fire a full finger up Stormy's bum

- to get to the bottom of it.
- Correct.

See, I'm just not so
g*dd*mn sure I can stand by

and watch the vet give Stormy
a three-knuckler up the bum.

No, I don't think Stormy would
need a three-knuckler up the bum.

Well, thank you, Dary,
because then you'd think

the vet's a bit funny, would you not?

Mmm, a person has
three knuckles, though.

Thank you, Dary.

f*ck's sake, go ahead
and have a f*ckin' fight

with your first knuckle then.

KATY: You'll be lookin'
pretty f*ckin' silly.

Yeah, but when we're
talkin' about a two-knuckler,

we're talking about horizontal knuckles.

I'm gonna stop you there.

By your logic,

a six-knuckler can be dealt
with using these two fingers?

- Correct.
- Incorrect.

No such thing as a six-knuckler.

A six-knuckler existed,
I'd know about it.

- How are ya now, Gail?
- Good, and you?

- Not so bad.
- Got a stud for Stormy.

Comes from the Baumgartner breeders.

Name's Ken.

- Ken Baumgartner?
- Yeah.

Okay.

You're not exposed to
give dogs human names.

- Can do what I want.
- Well, sure you can,

I'm just sayin' you're not exposed to.

Baumgartner's been
breeding German Shepherds

out in Chemmy for six years.

Champion bloodlines. Elegance.

Strength.

Raw food diet.

- You got him in the truck?
- Yeah.

Well, pull around back.
See if they'll have a go.

Okay.

Hey, Dan.

Do you wanna know how I
know about a six-knuckler?

Okay.

Reilly. Jonesy.

You guys been gettin' a lot of ice time?

- Well, actually...
- (MUMBLING)

I'm just kiddin'. I don't give a f*ck.

I stepped down from
your old junior team.

Turns out the senior team
needed a new bench boss.

Real work to be done here. Real men.

Turns out you guys have been havin'
a bit of a cake walk up here, huh?

Is that right, Reilly?

Eh, a little angel cake?

A little angel food cake
with a top glaze? Huh?

Have your mom mix up the
egg whites and the vanilla?

Huh? Have your mom cut it
with a Kn*fe or a small spatula

through the batter releasing
air bubbles and bake?

Light as air? Huh?

Virtually fat-free?

f*ck you, pheasant!

- Come on, man...
- Oh, Jonesy's got something to say.

What kind of cake are you walkin', huh?

A little Lady Baltimore? Huh?

A little date and walnut loaf?

A little Napoleonshatte?

- Coach, it's not that we're...
- Cake walk's over, all right,

Johnny Cheechoo and Chuck Huddy?

Gonna have the boys tossing up
sueys up the middle all night,

just tossing up hot suey sauce?

You know why?

(YELLS) 'Cause you've
been skipped leg day?

You think you can skirt legs
and cr*ck the Czech Extraliga?

Huh? You couldn't even
cr*ck the HockeyAllsvenska,

let alone the Deutsche Eishockey Liga!

f*ck!

You plugs are gonna learn some jam.

It is f*ckin' embarrassing!

I'm sick of playing' hurt, buddy.

Are you hurt or are you injured, buddy?

This time it's different.

My feelings are hurt.

No, feelings are injured, bro.

I wanna dust on praccy.

No praccy means no game, buddy.

I know.

I wanna dust on praccy, too.

What do we do?

Crush a couple sandos?

I don't think I could
crush a sando right now.

But you love crushin' sandos, bro.

I know.

I'm f*ckin' terrified.

Me too.

Hey. Hey.

It's okay.

(WHIMPERS) Thanks, buddy.

(HIP-HOP SONG PLAYING)

I'm here for a normal reason.

- (WHISPERS) Okay, but sure it's this?
- Yeah, it's all cued up.

- And this is their best song?
- It is.

Well, it's the one he knows.

Oh.

- If it fails, it's on you.
- What?

Hey, we got, uh...

We got Digable Planets all
cued up for you, Stewart.

I'm more into Shabazz Palaces right now.

(MOUTHING)

Uh, we don't have them.

What about Busdriver?

Milo?

Open Mike Eagle? You
love those guys. Hmm?

Have any Freddie Gibbs? Vince Staples?

It's darker.

(STAMMERS)

- Young Thug?
- (SCOFFS)

Don't act like anyone knows
what he's saying, Devon.

(MOUTHING)

I've got an idea.

Danny Brown.

(SIGHS)

Cue it up.

Cue it up.

Cue it up. Cue it up.

Okay.

(HUMMING NERVOUSLY)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

This gets worse before
it gets better, cowboy.

Did she...

Stormy tried to k*ll Ken Baumgartner.

Well, that's my girl.

The Baumgartners aren't gonna
be too jazzed about this.

Guess we could try his brother Nolan.

- Nolan Baumgartner?
- Yeah.

- Okay.
- No more Baumgartners.

It's not the Baumgartners. It's Stormy.

- f*ckin' shithead!
- Gail...

She's a shithead and I'll
f*ckin' say it to her face.

I'll say it to f*ckin' your face.

f*ckin' rip open her face,
take out her eye sockets,

get right in there and tell
it to her f*ckin' frontal lobe.

f*ck! f*ck!

It's too nice a day to get cross.

You should try a sedative.

What?

Are you kiddin' me? God. Oh, my.

Oh, this is what we were talkin' about
in my women's studies class right here.

Let's have a f*ckin' field
day with this bullshit,

that's for g*dd*mn sure.

f*ckin' patriarchy.

Professor Tricia would
literally sh*t a brick!

- What's wrong with you?
- I'm very upset.

Sort yourself out.

Gail just said she
wants to roofie Stormy.

- No, I didn't.
- Doesn't sound like she did.

If you want to give Stormy
dr*gs to the point of impairments

so that Ken Baumgartners can
have his filthy sex with her,

- well, then, that is...
- KATY: Don't say it.

We get it.

What about Nolan Baumgartner?

Okay, you think I wanna carpet Stormy?

Yeah. Sounds to me like
you wants to rope her.

What the actual f*ck are
you two talkin' about?

Carpet and rope are slang for roofies.

Every drug has, like, a
million different words.

- Name one.
- Marijuana.

- Dutch.
- Keef.

- Dank.
- Assassin of youth.

- K.
- Name another.

- Cocaine.
- Uptown.

- Nose beers.
- Booger sugar.

- Stripper salt.
- Outstanding.

- Name another.
- No, I get it.

MDMA. And don't say Molly.

- Who's that?
- Bombers.

- Hug drug.
- Mmm, little fellows.

E-Baums world. Mushrooms.

- Zoomers.
- Boomers.

cr*cker stackers.

- Simple Simon.
- (CELL PHONE VIBRATES)

Better not call me Simple Simon,

I'll tell you where to go.

f*ck, yeah.

I've got another stud for Stormy.

f*ck you.

Give me half hour.

Well, I'll go run 'er. Might help.

Little exercise.

Discipline and affection in that order.

Hey, Dan, do you know another
name for Ecstasy is Dancin' Shoes?

'Cause it makes me wanna dance.

Makes me wanna hug.

I get real huggy when
I'm on the ecstasy's.

Ecstasy bear.

Somethin' about that drug, you know.

You just wanna reach around
and enjoy the tactile sensations

that make up this fabulous world.

Wide worldy bear.

Yeah, just...

Just wanna hold people.

(SLURPS)

Okay, how can I help?

- Rock bottom, boys.
- Rock bottom, Ferda.

Ferda.

Boys, do you know I think
that there is a reason

why you found me.

Well, yeah, I mean,
you were waiting for us.

Kinda right by the door.

Okay, I think there's a reason...

(WHISTLES)

... that y'all found me, okay?

You found me because you need guidance.

You're... You're lost.

Nowhere to turn.

And do you know what I say
to those who need guidance?

Do you know what I say
to those who are lost?

Who have nowhere to turn?

I say turn to him.

- Turn to who?
- God.

Can't we just talk to you, buddy?

Yeah. Talk to God.

Why do we have to talk to God?
Why can't we just talk to you?

- You're right here.
- Well, I...

I understand but we're
all saying the same thing.

I'm here, I'm the one.

I'm a conduit.

I'm the one that... I'm
the messenger that...

Talk to me.

I'm your spiritual counselor, okay?

- You can talk to me.
- Thanks, buddy.

- Sick, buddy.
- All right.

So, I think to get to
the root of your problem

we need to figure out here,
together, where did it begin?

- Sick, buddy.
- Sick.

- Boys, where did it all begin?
- What?

- Oh, do you mean when?
- No.

Yes, actually. Yes.

- Thanks.
- Surprise.

When, when did the problem start?

Oh, um... When...

- When we lost...
- She we do not speak of.

- Ooh, Katy?
- No.

Yes. Just, we do not speak of her.

Then, yes, but, buddy, we're
talking about her right now so...

We're speaking of her to try to make it

so she isn't "she we do
not speak about" anymore.

Yeah, I know, but is
that even okay, buddy?

Oh, my God. Yes. It's
fine. It's fine. It's okay.

It's okay.

I want you to think about this.

I want you to hear this and
I want you to think about it.

I want you to think about how
many fish there are in the sea,

'cause there's a lot of them.

A lot of fish in the sea and
there's a lot of fish on menus

and most often good restaurants

have a lot of fish on them.

And I want you to think,
"Look at this menu.

Have I tried all this fish?

Have I thought, do I want fish?

Oh, what's this? Oh,
this is a shellfish.

That looks like calamari,
I wanna try that."

Oh, you mean like our big city slams?

I guess we could call up
our big city slams, bro.

I didn't... I didn't mean
that at all, but fine.

Do whatever you want.

- Big city slams, Ferda.
- Ferda!

Hey, it's never gonna make sense to me.

Where are you going? He has the car.

See? I told you.

It's his...

(SIGHS)

Worth it.

(COUGHS)

I gagged.

- Gail, how are ya now?
- Good, and you?

- Not so bad.
- (BURPS AND FARTS)

You gotta rich inner life.

Boy, howdy.

Got another stud for Stormy.

Comes from the Buchburger breeders.

Name's Kelly.

- Kelly Buchburger?
- Yeah.

Okay.

The Buchburgers have been
breedin' German Shepherds

out in Arva for years.

They're outgoin'. Strong.

And heavy-boned.

- WAYNE: So he's in the truck?
- Yeah.

Well, pull around back, we'll
see if they'll have a go.

Gotta say, Wayne,

if it doesn't work out
with Kelly Buchburger,

you're approaching
the bottom of the well.

Oh, bother.

I was sure you had a
winner in Ken Baumgartner.

You could always use his
brother, Nolan Baumgartner.

If you don't want to sedate...

I've had just abouts
enough of that talks, Gail.

If you're past a knuckle
or two up the bum.

It'd take three knuckles to
gets to the bottom of this.

I'd say Stormy's just
not fit for breedin'.

But she's a beautiful dog.

- She's such a beautiful dog.
- A real beauty.

She's a gorgeous dog.

Yeah, but she keeps on
tryin' to k*ll her studs.

Well...

Pitter-Patter.

My Instagram is just blowing up.

Oh, my goodness.

Oh! Yes, Katy.

To be clear, I wanna sign you.

So you're gonna call me, right,
even if it's just to talk?

I am gonna lay everything out for you.

All your pretty options.

We're gonna start with
a tour of the office.

Maybe a low-cal lunch.

But you have to come to the city.

I really can't do anything
here in Letterkenny.

So you're gonna call me, right?

- Yes.
- Awesome. Cool.

- Talk soon. Okay?
- Okay.

Hey, Katy-Kat?

- Hey, Katy?
- (CHUCKLES)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Big city slams, boys.

Big city slams, boys.

(MUSIC STOPS)

- Gail, how are ya now?
- Good, and you?

Not so bad.

Got the perfect stud for Stormy.

My cousin up in Tobermory
will be here with him later.

This dog is different.

Strong, silent type.

Hard worker. No bullshit.

- f*ck, I'd do him.
- Sounds like a good guy.

Sounds like a real good guy.

Probably a real good guy.

- This is the one, cowboy.
- Okay.

You can trust this old goat.

So your cousin's coming
up later with the stud?

Yeah.

What are we gonna do till then?

Ah, you're f*ckin'
lookin' at it, super chief.

Well, you know, back in the day...

Back in the glory days.

We'd hoover some schneef.

You wanna know what? I
feel like yous been working

your way towards this
for about six weeks.

It's been a long, long time
since I've hoovered some schneef.

'Cause you were a f*ckin'
degen when you did, Dan.

- I was skinny.
- And here's another thing.

You shouldn't call it "schneef" anymore.

I think you should call it "schniff."

- Why?
- 'Cause it's funnier.

I think.

It's kinda like that word "queef."

See, you can have a lot of
fun with that word queef.

But what's funnier, well, I
think, is the word "quiff."

I could hoover a bit of schneef.

Schniff.

- You ever hoovered backseat schneef?
- Schniff!

I've hoovered schneef
off of the headrest

of a Pontiac Tracer
traveling to SARSfest.

Ever hoovered backstage schneef?

I've hoovered schneef off of
Jann Arden's charcuterie board.

I'd have a beer.

You ever hoovered boat schneef?

WAYNE: Schniff!

I've hoovered schneef off of
Theodore Tugboat's baseball cap.

I got the NES out for you.

What happened to the ?

Six hours Mario Kart. Six
hours Diddy Kong Racing.

Have I been sleeping that long?

He did melatonin dry rips.

You did melatonin dry rips?

- Did you play GoldenEye?
- Pointless.

Everyone has the
multi-player maps memorized.

- What's on NES?
- We b*at Mario .

Almost done Mario .

What about Mario ?

(BOTH GASP)

- That's it?
- Desist?

You are amiss.

Super Mario Brothers ?

What kind of dismantled, bemused,

lugubrious m*therf*cker
wants to play that, Stewart?

- I'm sad, Devon.
- I know.

Do what you must.

I will.

We will.

- You will?
- Mmm-hmm.

We need you back at one hundred.

One hunnid.

Zero to one hunnid?

Real quick.

So?

We will get her back.

Roald?

That better be the duck
hunter g*n in your pocket.

It's called an NES zapper. But, no.

(GIGGLING)

I miss Katy, buddy.

I miss Katy-Kat in a big way, buddy.

Where have you been for the past
four and a half minutes, boys?

- Gettin' blowies.
- I just got a squeezer, but still.

- Ferda.
- Okay, boys.

If I'm Katy, I don't wanna date you.

- Bro.
- Bro.

Just saying. And if I'm Wayne...

(LAUGHS) I don't...

I don't want you dating my sister.

I think I know what he means, buddy.

- But ya don't.
- I think I get it, bro.

You definitely don't.

We need to go through
Wayne to get to Katy.

Okay, I can work with that.
Maybe we're on to something.

We need to b*at the sh*t
out of Wayne to get to Katy?

Okay, you don't.

You lost me again.

b*at the sh*t outta
Wayne, Ferda Katy-Kat.

Ferda Katy-Kat.

(BOTH YELL)

And...

None of it, none of it makes sense.

Lord, I tried.

I tried. Lord.

Lord knows I tried!

Ah, there will be no
peace in Letterkenny.

No, sir.

Satan has secured his estate.

Thousands below the asking price.

Our Father, who art in heaven.

Hallowed by Thy name.

Thy kingdom come.

Thy will be done on
earth as it is in heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread.

And forgive us our debts
as we forgive our debtors.

And lead us not unto temptation,

but deliver us from evil.

For Thine is the kingdom
and the power and the glory,

forever and ever.

Amen.

DARYL: You ever hoovered
police station schneef?

I've hoovered schneef off a
sergeant constable's nightstick.

You should call it schniff.

Ever hoovered airport schneef?

I've hoovered schneef off

a Drakkar Noir display
at the hors taxes.

Well, suit yourselves.

My cousin should be here any minute.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(MUSIC STOPS)

It's f*ckin' tilly time, boys!

Go time!

Go grab a rake and tidy
that gravel you've upset.

Are you f*ckin' deaf, hick?

Let's have a donnybrook!

That tone's unhelpful.

(GRUNTING)

- Tarps off?
- Sheddin' the tarp.

Now, as I recall, that's
your ritual before a fight,

and my patience is
wearing thin, so I'll ask.

Are you f*ckin' high?

- No.
- No. We want Katy back.

We'll go through you to get her.

Unnecessary as of five minutes ago

but as of right this second,

you should make sure
your shoelaces are tight.

DAN: Bye, Katy.

What does that have to do with anything?

What?

Air!

Ramped!

Fire!

I've come to reclaim the Lady Katy.

f*ck you, pheasant!

We've been waitin' a long
time to fight you, pheasy?

We're ready to defend.

So there's a line? If so...

I'm budgin'.

We should breakdance fight.

It's safer. And I'll win.

Too much talkin'.

Shall we?

Oh, sh*t, I actually do
need to tie my shoelaces.

What the f*ck? Let's get at it!

(ROMANTIC SONG PLAYING)

Wayne, this is my cousin.

What's your cousin's name, Gail?

- Rosie.
- Rosie, how are now?

- Good, and you?
- I'm not so bad.

Should I pull around back
and see if they'll have a go?

Couldn't have said it better myself.

Pitter-Patter.

- Wayne?
- Yeah?

- I want you back.
- Oh.

(CELL PHONE VIBRATES)

- Wayne.
- Yeah?

- I'm pregnant.
- Oh.

Oh, f*ck.