04x00 - The Haunting of MoDean's II

[bunniefuu]

Well, Halloween isn't s'bad.

Bit f*ckin' green and lush around here

- for end of October, isn't it?
- Hmm.

Yeah. Al Gores mights be onto something.

Devil's night, boys.

And you know the sh*t heads'll
be out causing mischief.

- Can't scare me.
- Yeah, we know.

You can try though. 'Cause
that's the fun of it.

- Wayne's?
- Squirrelly Dan?

Speakins of mischiefs.
My cousin, Samuel...

You mean speakin' of sh*t heads?

Is very sorry for whats
he did last Halloweens.

What'd Samuel do this time?

He stole candy from his little sister.

Oh! The little... Fucker!

See, that's what I say, I
said, "Oh! Little... Fucker."

Samuel's very sorry for whats he dids

and hes likes to come by to
show you his costumes this year.

Samuel knows the deal!

But... but Samuel's going
out dressed as his heroes

and he wants to come by...

Poor behavior is not to be
rewarded, it's to be punished.

And Samuel is not welcome by

for a full-sized chocolate
bar this Halloween.

I'm with you, big brother.

Or one kinda feels like we
should maybe be discussing

the origins of Halloween.

Like talking about the history of it.

Like, I mean, before
we start celebrating

the bastardized North
American version of things.

Well, look who's pooped
the pumpkin. Shocker.

From where I'm sittin',
looks like you're curled up

nice and cozy with the
bastardized, North American

North American version of it, Wayne.

What's the problem, Dary?

For someone who doesn't even like kids,

you got a lot of nerve big-league'n

the rest of the town handing
out full-sized chocolate bars.

Yeah, well, you got a
lot of nerve back-doorin'

trick or treaters by handing
out quarter-size chocolate bars

- on Halloween.
- Get off your wallet, Dary.

I'll get off my wallet when he
quits throwing around nickels

like they're manhole covers.

Geez, this one won'ts gets
off his wallet, and this one's

tossing around nickels like
they're manholes covers.

Know what? There's 5000
people in Letterkenny,

and do you wanna know what
their problem is? Wayne.

- Big-league'n them.
- Haven't you ever heard of the expression,

"do unto others as you
would have them do unto you"?

'Ain't you never heard
of the expression,

"Do unto others before
they do unto you"?

You're f*ckin' up, bud.

364 days of the year this guy's all,

"Oh, I don't give a
sh*t about your kids."

And, "Somebody should hit Samuel."

"Somebody should hit Samuel."

And then comes Halloween you
gotta big-league everybody

by handin' out
full-sized chocolate bars.

- Get off your wallet, Dary.
- What's in your jeans, bud?

You know, the whole town's
talkin' about how you

big-league them. It's all I'm sayin'

Yeah, well, all the
trick-or-treaters talk about

how you back-doored
them. It's all I'm sayin'.

I'll back door you like I
back-doored those trick-or-treaters.

Maybe we should establish
some context here, boys.

Get your mind out of the gutter.

But Samuels...

Samuel is not welcome to come

for a full-sized chocolate
bar this Halloween.

That's mighty charitable of you, Wayne.

That's one last set of
parents you're big-league'n.

Yeah, well, that's one
more trick-or-treater

that you're back-doorin'.

I'll back-door those
trick-or-treaters

like I back-doored you.

Okay. You know what?

Maybe we should establish
some context here.

Get your mind outta the gutter!

Well, she's lookin' a wee bit more

like October now, isn't it?

Why does Gailer want us here so early?

She didn't say.

Ooh! I hope it's for an early sample

of one of her harvest rotating taps.

Can't legally serves beer
for another hour, bud.

Ah, there goes Dary back-doorin'
the Liquor Control Board.

Well, there goes Wayne, big-league'n me

before I even had a
beer. Par for the course.

She sounded rattled.

When a friend asks
for help you help 'em.

Gailer.

Happy Halloweens, Gailer.

- You hung-over?
- No. Why?

You got a glass of water there.
A bit of fresh air will do it.

It's holy water.

Is that what it is?

Dear me, no. I love a good horror movie.

We know!

I love a good scare.

We know!

- Guess what.
- Chicken butt.

MoDean's 2 is haunted.

- No, it isn't.
- Is, too.

- No, it isn't.
- Is, too.

No, it isn't!

Follow me now!

What ya notice?

Hmm.

Uncle Eddie's Pig Hoof hops ale.

- He was a good guy.
- He was a great guy.

He's come back from the
dead for one more go.

Tried to get me to drink
that shite with him in bed.

You took down Uncle Eddie.

Mmm-hmm. Took him down once.

- How was that for ya?
- Ecstasy.

Why only once?

'Cause he d*ed shortly after.

- He d*ed in his nineties.
- Yeah.

What are you doin' takin'
down geriatrics, Gail?

What, you never met no one
with a geri-care fetish before?

The f*ck outta here...

Mmm...

So, you think Uncle Eddie
is haunting MoDean's 2

I know he's haunting MoDean's 2.

There's his Pig Hoof
hops front and center.

- Gail's right.
- Pardon?

Well, how else do you explains this?

Literally one million ways.

Could be a ghost or a ghoul or a spirit,

or a phantom, or an orb, ecto-mist,

poltergeist, angel, archangel,

a demon... Elemental?

No, it isn't.

Oh, it's a ghost.

It might fall under one of
the many sub-ghosts categories.

You got your vengefuls,
you got your hungries,

you got your residuals,
you got your messengers,

you got your inanimates,
uh, you got your artificials,

animals, childs.

Then you have all your
different types of lady ghosts.

You got your ladies in
red, ladies in white,

ladies in black, ladies
in blue, ladies in purple,

ladies in vermilion, ladies
in the burnt orange sienna's.

Then you got your Bloody Mary...

We're not even getting into
Japanese ghosts. Holy jeez.

No, you don't!

Spirit energy doesn't just
goes away, Wayne. It circulates.

What is it, cowboy?

Let me make a call.

Oh... Bonnie McMurray.

Great costumes there, Bonnie.

You got yourselfs some
attentive students right here.

Yeah, I'm reformed.

You can hit me one more time, baby.

Costume?

- Bonnie.
- Wayne.

Did you make your angel
food cupcakes for the annual

Catholic school alumnae
bake sale to raise

much-needed funds for the
missionary trip to Nicaragua?

Sure did, Wayne.

Good for you. Enjoy yourself.

I will.

Woolwich Taffy Cone Harvest
I.P.A. from Wellesley, Ontario.

Boastful, yet reserved.

Opinionated. Selective.

Elmira maple syrup,
Skinner Farms smoked bacon.

Hmm... Tastes like a tragedy
occurred while making breakfast.

Takers?

Let's get this guy a f*ckin' Puppers.

Don't minds if I do's.

- So, you think it's us, boys?
- Why boys?

'Cause last night was devil's night.

And you're sh*t heads.

Oh, okay, so you think we're
playing pranks now, huh?

Well, it's clear there is a unique
brand of tom fuckery at play.

I haven't smashed a pumpkin
on someone's doorstep

since grade nine, boys.

I haven't stuffed an egg up a tailpipe

since grade eight, boys.

I haven't silly-stringed
a car since grade seven.

I haven't TP'd a tree since grade six.

Yeah, but do's you's have an alibi?

We definitely have alibis.

I'm glad you asked about alibis.

We've prepared a
powerpoint presentation.

Jonesy prepare the
powerpoint presentation.

Haunting took place between
the hours of 3 a.m. and 9 a.m.

And I was taking down this swipey snipey

between the hours of 3 a.m. and 6 a.m.

And I was taking down this swipey snipey

between the hours of 3 a.m. and 6 a.m.

Nice work, boys.

Wait a minute. That's only three hours.

What were you doing between
the hours of 6 a.m. and 9 a.m.?

I'm glad you asked.

This is where things got
a little complicated, boys.

Reilly's swipey snipey hit me
up after taking down Reilly.

Jonesy's swipey snipey hit me
up after taking down Jonesy.

Accidental tunnel buddies, ferda.

Ferda.

How did you guys figure that out?

Well, we facetimed each other
from the swipey snipies beds.

After the take down.

This is exactly what Uncle Eddie wanted.

Get me thinkin' about take downs.

Sure as I flick, it's a
ghost doing this trick.

No, it isn't.

Then what is it, cowboy?

Let me make a call.

ALL GASPING

Oh, Bonnie McMurray.

Great costumes, Bonnie.

My soldier's standing at attentions.

Locked and loaded.

Two g*n salute.

- Ready to sh**t.
- Costume?

- Bonnie?
- Wayne.

Did you cadets make up
your hearty harvest chili

for the annual potluck supper

for our amputee w*r
vets in the cancer ward?

Sure did, Wayne.

Good for you. Enjoy yourselfs.

I will.

Oka. Old style harvest
pilsner from Kahnawake, Quebec.

Proud. Fearless. Defensive.
Loyal. Knows its history.

Tastes like an upset
shamans horded collection

of spunky backwoods fruit. Takers?

Get this guy a f*ckin' Puppers.

Don't minds if I do.

You's think this is an Indian haunting?

You's watch too many shitty movies.

Well, no one's implyings that,

but we're just coverings our bases.

You still have a rich history
of tom fuckery in this town

and that can't be denied.

Well, is this place built on
an ancient Indian burial ground?

Not to my knowledge.

Did you find a tomahawk
lodged in your door?

Not yet. No.

Did you wake up with moccasins
at the foot of your bed?

But is that a thing? Because it...

Okay! Just get yourselves
a couple of dream catchers

and stop watching shitty horror movies.

ALL GASPING

Okay, do I actually
have to explain this?

You'd better go home and
change or I will fight you!

- Bonnie?
- Wayne?

On your way to the
protest rally up country,

to provide glaring examples
of cultural appropriation

for people who don't understand
cultural appropriation,

- but probably should?
- Sure am, Wayne.

Good for you. Enjoy yourself.

I will.

Did ya see that?

It moved.

Gail, the building just shifted.

It was probably the shelves
expanding due to the heat.

Or the shelves contracting
because of the cold,

being that it is October.

It's Uncle Eddie. He wants
me to take him down again.

Set his jar of Pig Hoof hops
right there front and center!

No, it isn't. And no he
doesn't. And no he didn't.

- What is it?
- Literally, five hundred million things.

Mossif. Run it!

Let me make a call...

Hellmich Premium Blonde Harvest
Ale from Mitchell, Ontario?

Hardworking, cooperative,
tough in the corners.

Zurich bean off the top with
a strathroy turkey finish...

The dark meat.

That tastes like wheat from the field

of a stay-at-home defenseman.
A la Travis Hamonic, anybody?

Let's get this guy a f*ckin' Puppers.

Don'ts minds if I do.

Ha! The glass.

We've heard talks of apparitions.

Specters. Wraiths.

Demons...

Uncle Eddie's back for one
more go with this old goat.

Unclegedly.

We believe this to be true.

- Collectively.
- Conclusively.

Are you sure you guys didn't
just come in here and do all this?

Breaking and entering?

There are far more gratifying crimes

with far leaner sentences.

Also it's a sin. So no, we didn't.

So?

I will perform a seance
to summon Uncle Eddie.

Speak with him. Reason
with him if I must.

Though I will be reluctant
to cooperate with him.

I promise you that.

- K.
- Uncle Eddie will enter Roald's body and...

Wait. One more time?

Uncle Eddie will enter Roald's body.

Then I will exorcise his spirit.

Is that what you'll do.

Christ permitting, yes.

One question. I...

Yes. I... I wanna... I
wanna be really clear here.

So, Stewart you're going
to summon the spirit

of Uncle Eddie, who's
going to enter Roald

and then from there you're
gonna communicate with him?

Precisely.

Though, again, I will be
reluctant to cooperate with him.

We heard you, Stewart.

This I promise you.

And, Glen...

Hey Wayne, hos that girlfriend
of yours doing? I miss her.

I like her. She's like
a li'l baby Halle Berry.

Like a li'l baby Beyonce. Like a...

Oh!

That's a Beyonce seance-ay!

So, Uncle Eddie's spirit
is going to enter Roald

and then Glen is going to exorcise it.

That's right. I will exorcise
the spirit out of Roald

and cast it into hell!

Hell?

- He was a good guy.
- He was a great guy.

Begging your pardon, but anybody
that comes back from the dead

to have non-consensual
sexual relations with a woman,

outside of wedlock, may
I add, is not a good guy!

Good enough.

Now we must all hold hands.

No!

- Fine.
- Wayne...

Roald, Glen... Roald.

Stewart.

- Roald.
- Glen.

- Roald!
- Stewart.

- Roald!
- Glen!

- Roald!
- Stewart!

- Roald
- Glen!

- Roald!
- Stewart.

Oh...

Now we need five seconds of silence

while Lucifer locates us.

Sorrys, that was the ghost
of yesterday's dinner.

Honestly!

Five seconds of silence
to beckon Beelzebub!

Sorry, you give me a stage like
that I'm gonna have to dazzle.

Five seconds of silence
while Satan substantiates.

What... What was that one?

Control your bum. Be a lady.

That came out my front bum.

Oh, no.

Was that a queef?

Soundeds like a queef.

- Quiff.
- Okay!

I think there's something wrong.

- Stewart!
- How are you doing that?

I don't know.

It's very freaky.

I know.

- Are you scared?
- I'm very scared.

Okay everybody. Five
more seconds of silence.

No farting, or burping...

Blah...

Maybe... Maybe it'll go away.

And try again.

Roald!

Argh!

No, no...

Jesus Christ.

He has nothing to do
with it, but oh my gourd!

Exorcise him, Glen!

What? I don't know how to do that!

I did not think it would come up.

Stop! How are you doing that?

- I don't know.
- Stop doing that.

It's like we flipped the
wrong button or something.

There are no buttons.

Could we hit a circuit breaker maybe?

Maybe there's just a frog in my throat.

Here let me try and cough it out.

Is it gone?

Oh, no, no...

Oh, no...

Stewart! Glen! Stewart! Glen!

You wanna know what?
My friend, Sean Amsing,

has a Halloween party in the
city before Halloween every year

and he calls it
Premature E-Jacu-Lantern.

- That's good.
- Clever.

I likes that.

He's a really funny guy.

Oh... Bonnie McMurray.

Well, now that has gots to be a costume.

Christ, she could make a softball hard.

She could play on my field.

Dingers all day, boys.

- Bonnie?
- Wayne?

You on your way to the
annual Jeff Davies Memorial

baseball tournament to raise money

for pit bull puppy mill rescue?

Sure am, Wayne.

Good for you. Enjoy yourself.

I will.

- Is that this weekend?
- Yeah, it's this weekend.

- Jeff was a good guy.
- Jeff was a greats guy.

- Jeff was a babe.
- One of the greatest. Jeff f*ckin' Davies.

I feel like Jeff would know what to do.

I feel like Jeff would want
to make... One more call...

That is not a regulation
softball uniform.

Hmm. Delicious.

You know when you can't
see what you're tasting,

your sense of taste gets heightened.

I bet you didn't know
that, did you, Dan?

I did know that, Dary.

'Cause one times I took a gals
on a date to one of them places

in the city where they don't
gots any lights, and you have

to eats in the dark. Made
a f*ckin' mess of myself.

I've been to one of those places.

All the servers there are
blind. Bet you didn't know that.

So the blind are eating better
than us, eh? Must be nice.

Yeah, on accounts that their
sense of taste is heightened

'cause they can't sees nothin'.

There's always a silver lining there.

No. Not at all.

McMurray, how're ya?

Good' n' you?

Just... I can't see a f*ckin'
thing in here McMurray.

Well, that's the only
way to catch a ghost,

that's all I know. What've
you got for gin there, Gailer?

Don't know 'cause I can't see the bar.

Well, I'd get into one of them
cocksuckers when you locate it.

We're not convinced that
it's a ghost, McMurray.

You'd better believe it's a ghost, Katy.

What else could it be?

Literally five hundred million things.

Well, luckys for yous
guys Mrs. McMurray and I

went down 'Minican one
year, hopped on over

to the Aztec pyramids and
got ourselves on a guided tour

with some genuine ghost hunters.

There they taught us everything
they g*dd*mn know, okay?

We've guided tours down 'Pulco,
we've guided tours down 'Cacos.

- We've guided tours down 'Cun.
- Pitter patter.

All right. You's guys
see this in my hand?

No!

This here is a genuine
SB-9 ghost talkie,

- transmits ghost speak.
- Oh, is that what it does?

Mmm-hmm.

Mmm-hmm. You fire it up and
when the ghosts start talking

you can hear what they're
saying. Fire it up, babe.

Lemony Snickets, babe. We
got activity off the charts.

Did you hear that?

Wasn't this clear in 'Pulco.

Nothing like this down in 'Cun either.

They'd k*ll for this down 'Cun!

McMurray is such a piece of sh*t.

Oh! McMurray's a huge piece of sh*t.

What the devil?

You'll never meet a bigger piece of sh*t

in your life than McMurray.

Oh! Yeah, what a piece of sh*t!

Jimmy dong bobby baby.

What, baby?

I grabbed the wrong box.

This here's one half of the
high-frequency baby radio

that I set up in the break-room
in the barn to make sure

the farmhands wasn't
talking shits about me.

It would appear that
your farmhands are talking

significant sh*t about you, McMurray.

What a piece of sh*t he is, eh?

I mean, how does a piece of
sh*t like that land a woman

like Mrs. McMurray?

Ah! Tell you what I'd
do with Mrs. McMurray...

Baby?

Yeah, baby?

Remember the lawyer that
took the case that time

I sh*t at the worm pickers
when they were on the property?

Yeah, baby. You almost caught
one of them cock-suckers, too.

Just missed him by a sminch.

- By a sminch. Best give 'em a call.
- Why, baby?

'Cause I, McMurray,
am about to k*ll a man.

Hear me now. You need
to drink it, Daryl.

Hear me now. Not on your life, Gailer.

It's the only thing we haven't tried.

No, it isn't.

Then what, Wayne? What
else can we try here?

Literally, 5,500 billion things.

Uncle Eddie wanted me
to drink it with him

after I took him down! But I didn't.

It's the only thing left to
do to get rid of his ghost.

So drink it you f*ckin' p*ssy!

- No.
- Yes.

- No.
- Yes.

- Huh?
- Yes.

- No.
- Hey!

When a friend asks you
for help you help them.

No.

I'd do it for you.

No...

Wait!

- Gail.
- Wayne.

- It was me.
- What was you?

I know how much you love Halloween.

I know how much you love Halloween.

Well, see, there ya go.

It was only my intention to
give you a bit of a thrill,

and have a little bit of fun
with all the nutsacks in town.

It was never my intention
to get you this riled up.

And boy do I ever wish I
wouldn't have discovered

you took down my 90
plus year-old Uncle.

That's when things
took a real hard detour.

- Wayne?
- Gail.

It was a thrill!

What is that?

Oh!

Ha! You do scare!

Waynes, why are you so
scared? It's only Samuels.

Dan!

Now hold your horses there, Waynes.

Samuel's here has somethings
that he'd like to says to yous.

Samuel, you have the floor.

I'm sorry I stole the
full-sized chocolate bar

you gave my little
sister last Halloween.

I accept your apologies, Samuel.

I was sick of Daryl back doorin' me

with the quarter chocolate bars.

I understand that, Samuel,
but that doesn't make it right.

I trust you've apologized to
your little sister as well?

Yes, sir.

And now my friend David
wants me to say thanks for him

for big league-n the
cheap-skate b*at-skates in town

who gave out half chocolate bars.

Please tell your friend,
David, I'm more than happy

to big league cheap-skate
b*at-skates like Daryl.

But, Samuel, big brothers are to

look out for their little sisters.

- Yes, sir.
- You only get one family, Samuel.

You are to treat them
with love and respect.

I've learned my lesson, sir.

Good. And to make sure
you've learned your lesson,

you will not be receiving
a full-sized chocolate bar

from your Uncle Wayne this Halloween.

Yes, sir.

Now, Waynes, remember when
I said that Samuel wanted

to show you his costumes this year?

That's because Samuel wanted
to go dressed as his hero's

for Halloween.

Who's your hero, Samuels?

Wayne.

Samuel. I didn't say we couldn't split

a full-sized chocolate
bar this Halloween.

Choco-coconut? Coconut's
f*ckin' gross, assh*le.