06x01 - What Could Be So Urgent?

[bunniefuu]

A f*ckin' cross‐fitter
gave ya the stink‐eye

flippin' tires down the street
trying to look hard.

Buddy, you're softer
than a Cinnabon sampler.

You kiss your friend's
older sister once who

who tastes like
Fisherman's Friends

then you better do horn
to that memory ever since.

You woke up with your horn
looking out the window

but you gotta be
at work in 20.

So it's now or never.

Well, I should say.

We're all excited that the Leafs
are doing betters and all's.

But if they think's
you're payin' a buck‐twenty

for upper bowl seats,
they can suck my babcock.

You ripped a game of Buck Hunter
so f*ckin' immaculate

that bar has brought you in
through the kitchen ever since.

Your gal likes goin'
for long drives,

chit‐chattin' around town
like gas ain't a buck‐forty.

With zero regard
for the amount of lawns

you gotta mow
to fill the cocksucker.

Your pal squeezed
into the same section

of a revolving door behind you
one time and you're still pals.

But, like,

you're not about to sit beside
him at a f*ckin' campfire.

Jivin' Pete says
his new gal

looks like
a young Shania Twain

and you just don't have
the Timbits to tell him

that she looks more like Post
Malone's f*cked Dion Phaneuf's.

You know it's tits‐up
for your ball team

when the opposing pitcher's
got arms so big,

he could throw
a cotton ball over a barn.

You knew your pal
had come into money

when he started throwing out
perfectly good pistachios,

like he was above
cranking 'em open

with a box cutter
like the rest of us.

You're pretty sweet
on your new gal,

but if she forgets to close
the third door of your truck

before the passenger door
one more time,

it's f*ckin' over.
I've had it.

You caught a whiff of a gals

that smelled like
campfire smokes

and that sh*t's got ya stiff
as a week‐old Slim Jims.

Your friend's dad gets so mad
sometimes, he hollers "f*ck,"

but doesn't pronounce the C‐K
at the end, he's so squirrelly.

So it sounds more like "fu"!

Fu!
Fu!

Fu!
And I think that's

pretty fu‐ckin' funny.

You guys drink too much.

Said buddy
with the bloody nose

from hooverin' shneef off
a sandy beach towel.

(SNIFFS)

So, what have you's been up to?

Rap game!
I'm Fire Marshall Mathers.

Oh, let's hear it.

♪ Mo' f*ckin' p*ssy bitch
still on the hind tit

♪ Licking less
lick clit sh*t, whoa! ♪

Whoa.
Whoa.

Whoa.

Got the streets a bubblin'...

Where's Stewart?

Your pal added
comic relief to your sister

catching a line drive

in the womanhood
at softball by sayin'...

Right in the twiffer!

Still not laughing.

BOTH: Twiffer!
(LAUGHING)

It's a bad look
if I'm not smokin' hot.

At least I'm smokin' pot.

You can say with confidence,

the hockey players are still
a couple of dumb fucks,

because now after a goal
they go holler...

He sh**t, he sca...
He sh**t, he sca...

So there that is.

Crosby sca...
McDavid sca...

Any more wisdoms
while we gotchas?

Yes.

A, B, C,
Always Be Lifting!

Also, road games.

Sometimes,

there are two buddies
to a room,

but there's
only one bed.

Golden rule,
you can sleep pole to pole.

And hole to hole.

But, you can't
sleep...

BOTH: Pole to hole.

You put the dumb
in wisdumb, don't ya's?

You and your sister
were bickering...

We spat about,
I don't know what...

When she said...

I could argue till
the cows come home.

She pointed at 'em
in the yard,

out the kitchen windows.

f*ck, let's not let
supper get cold.

BOTH: Twiffer. (CHUCKLING)

Still not laughing.
f*ckin' inbreds.

Inbred hot chili peppers.

Washington Inbredskins.

Cincinnati Inbreds.

Inbred Riding Hood.

Inbred Lobster?

Can we get this rig rolling?

Inbredy, set, go.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Thanks for making
the trip this weekend.

Thanks for making
the trip last weekend.

Look forward to the trip
next weekend.

(CLINK)

You remember McMurray, eh?

Don't think he'd let me
forget him if I wanted to.

Let me, uh... Let me bend your
ear on something. Here...

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Could have guessed.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Um...

You were gonna
bend my ear?

She was being
a bit of a cow, eh?

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

So anywho,
McMurray told me

that he was
at the airport one time

and he seen a dude
in the washroom at the urinal.

And he was working
his iPad while he...

Pissed?
Rocked one, yeah.

You can say it. Just
don't make a habit of it.

Texas‐sized 10‐4.

The dude was
at the airport

with his iPad on top
of the urinal

and he was working on it
while he rocked one?

Can confirm.

What could be
so urgent?

That's what I said. I said,
"What could be so urgent?"

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Then I said,
"Like, who is this nut sac?"

Or who does
this nut sac think he is?

Here's the thing that
I'm going to tell you.

Now, I've really come land,
sea, and air at this...

'Kay.
...over time.

There's only thing
that could be so urgent...

Checkin' in
for his flight?

Hard no.

Uh, a lot of airlines
over‐book

their flights
anticipating no‐shows.

And if you don't check in
you're hooped.

But still,
to be at the airport,

at the urinal,
on your iPad, with your...

d*ck out?
Your horn, yeah.

d*ck.
Won't make a habit of it.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

To be at the airport,
at the urinal,

on your iPad,
with your d*ck out,

there's got to be more at stake
than a missed flight.

Have you ever
missed a flight?

No.
Me neither.

'Kay.
Bet it sucks, though.

Still, airport, iPad,
urinal, d*ck out...

Like let's get
real here.

You get real.
You get real.

The dude's important.

Or he's got someone
really important to answer to,

if his iPad work couldn't wait
till after he rocked one.

Big time.

What's he putting into the iPad
is what I want to know.

L'il help?
L'il help.

Wanna know what
he's puttin' in the iPad?

I can tell you what he's
putting in the iPad.

Here's what he's
putting into the iPad.

The codes.

"The" codes?

Those codes.

That's a thing that
could be so urgent.

That's the one thing
that could be so urgent.

What a goof.

To be at the airport
at the urinal,

with your iPad,
your d*ck out...

Silly.
This nut sac

is one in a chain of
commanding political figures

with access to the codes

to green light
a nuclear strike.

That's who he is.

And he had to get his portion
of the codes in immediately,

so that the warheads
could take flight.

Why's he f*ring
a warhead?

Well, someone would have had
to fire a warhead first, right?

You know, if I'm that dude
at the airport,

with my d*ck out,
working on my iPad,

I mean, the whole
f*ckin' world's at stake.

There's
multiple warheads?

Both sides would have
to have warheads in the air

or projectiles,
if it's nuclear w*r, yes.

Those are some stakes.

What else
could be so urgent?

Not much else
could be so urgent.

So the other three in the
political chain of command

had already entered
their portion of the codes

and they just needed,

we'll call him Gary,

to enter his portion
of the codes.

Hmm...
What?

Wonder how
Gary's working it?

What are we
talking about here,

the iPad or the...
Or...

Both.
Both?

Curious as to
whether he had

one hand on his horn
and one on the iPad.

Because if he's pissing
hands‐free,

then he'd get the codes
typed in much faster.

Oh, way faster.

(SCOFFS) At least
twice as fast.

Yeah, and he's
in a hurry for sure,

'cause of the codes.
Yeah.

Jean‐Claude.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Jean‐Lance.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

(SPEAKING FRENCH
WITH AMERICAN ACCENT)

Jean‐Claude...

Jean‐Lance...

(SPEAKING FRENCH
WITH AMERICAN ACCENT)

(ALL LAUGHING)

Go sit down
and drink your beer.

What if I don't?

Well, then I'd have to
put my beer down.

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(MUSIC INCREASES IN TEMPO)

(MUSIC ENDS ABRUPTLY)

You's got's a semi.

(GROANS)

Yep, don't lay down
for a nap on the couch

without's a pillow
for your lap.

Probably didn't want me
walkin' in here

seeing you all
half‐torqued like that.

Nope.

Probably no fun
for the dog

to have to climb over
your thicksie's

just to give you
a kiss in the face.

All right. Come on, girl,
why don't we go?

Let's leave the half‐blood
prince to his little sleeps.

Good nap?

Great nap.

Nap with me?

Well, I just kind of had a nap.

Then we don't need
to sleep.

(GIGGLING) Okay.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Sure we can't convince you guys
to sign with the summer squad?

I got a pen you can borrow.
You know the one.

Take my
writing utensil.

We got a big hole
at the center

and it needs to be filled.

Back end's tight, but we
need to be deeper up front.

Let's talk depth.
Show you a thing or two.

Join our energy line.

Keep those
f*ckin' feet moving.

I'm so f*ckin' serious
right now.

Daxi.
Ronsy.

How about all the tail
around here, boys?

Late June rush at the gymski.

It's all the college and
uni kids home for the summer.

Home to work
their summer jobs.

I got a job you can work.
Let's f*ckin' do it.

The gettin's gonna be good
for a couple of months ferda.

Summer's the goodest time
for gettin'

and the gettin's
about to get got, get it?

Got it.
Good.

But what say
we make it interesting?

Oh, it's already
interesting.

Jesus...
I'll say, boys.

I'll say, I could
jerk off right here.

I swear to f*ckin' God.

But tell me, are you two
looking to fall in love

or just fall in the sack?

Buddy.
Sack.

Thought so.

Think you can fall in
more times than us?

Fall in the sack?
Yeah.

With girls?
Duh.

Like can we take down
more babes than you?

Can you take down more babes
than we can take down dudes?

I'm gonna jerk off right here,
I swear to f*ckin' Christ.

Buddy, no contest.

Save your money, boys.

Are... Are you guys
like married though?

We just wanted
to buy a house.

Tax breaks there.

We still smash
all sorts of ass.

Never smashed
so much ass in my life.

Cool.
Cool.

So f*ckin' cool.

But you're confident
you smash more?

Girls?
Duh.

Absolutely. First of all,

there aren't that many
gay dudes in Letterkenny.

You'd be surprised.

Small town kids going
to school in the big city?

Out of the small town,

out of the closet, boys.
Mmm.

And second,
we get like... Take downs.

Sometimes, wake up in the
morning and it's just like,

start having
a take down.

There's been like
a handful of times, actually,

where I have to take a good look
in the mirror about take downs.

REILLY: Sometimes,

during the middle of a take down
thoughts creep in.

So, we got a deal?

Yeah, deal, totally.

Cool. Our total
take‐down tally

versus your total
take‐down tally.

Deal.
What do the winners get?

Case of beer?
Case of beer.

Love a case of beer.
Deal. Case of beer.

Here's to the opening
gay ceremonies, boys.

Boys in for
the ceremonial f*ck drop.

I know a good horn section
for the event.

Why don't ya give it
a little toot?

Come on,
give it a little blast.

I'm gonna have sex
with some girls!

ALL: Ferda!

(GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING)

Bonnie.
Wayne.

Hi there.
Hi, dare.

I'll have
the pinot noir, please.

(IN FRENCH ACCENT)
Is that what you'll take, then?

Not a good look, Bonnie.

Beer?

Please and thank you.

She was being
a bit of a cow, eh?

That's McMurray's sister.
She comes by it honestly.

She's pretty.

Oh, she's a lovely girl,
for the most part.

So much petty hostility between
English and French.

Yeah, it's a bit obnoxious,
isn't it?

I'm glad
we agree on that.

As long as we can also agree

that French toast
is a waste of time.

So are
English muffins.

There ya go.

I was thinking about the dude

McMurray saw at the airport.

There's a lot
to unpack there, eh?

You're Gary.
Mmm‐hmm...

You're one of the four.
Mmm‐hmm.

Your secretary calls and says
the country needs the codes.

It wouldn't be a secretary.
Eh?

It'd be one
of the other three.

I think you're right.
I'm for sure right.

The other three wouldn't likely
trust Gary's secretary

with news
of incoming projectiles.

Marie‐Fred, you don't trust

the f*ckin' secretary
with the projectiles.

The secretary wouldn't have
been sworn in

like the other
government officials.

Who knows who
the secretary's working for?

Secretary could be workin'
for anybody.

There'd be protocol in place.
It would be in writing.

That information
would be so classified.

You know how classified
that information would be?

Super classified?

One tier up.
It'd be ultra classified.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Do you wanna know what?

I'm just gonna come right out
and say it here.

If I'm one of the four,

I get that information
from the horse's mouth

or you're not getting
the codes.

Wanna take about 20% off?

Yeah, I'd take
about 20% off 'er.

So, you're Gary.
Mmm‐hmm.

One of the other three

commanding government
officials says,

"We need the codes. Stat.
Mmm‐hmm. Mmm‐hmm.

"This is it, Gary.
Nuclear w*r!"

Jesus Christ,
it's nuclear w*r.

What do you do?

I'd piss myself.

Bingo.
I'd have to go,

at the very least.

Of course, you would.

I don't know
if I'd be able to hold it.

But I'd be sayin',
"Whoa...

"You'd better
f*ckin' hold onto her."

It's an appropriate
physical response

to news
of incoming warheads.

It'd be alarming.

But let's not forget,
you're Gary.

Yeah. Yeah.

You've got responsibilities
if you're Gary.

You've got the codes.

Whole country's counting
on you if you're Gary.

Women and children,
the elderly.

So, you're Gary, you get
the call for the codes...

You say holy sh*t...
You'd say holy sh*t...

I'm gonna piss myself...
But it's nuclear w*r.

And despite nuclear w*r,
all this at stake,

Gary's still pissing
while he puts in the codes.

You wanna know what?

What?

The washroom had to have
been right there.

It had to have been
right there.

He might already
have been in the washroom.

I think he was
already in there.

You're Gary, you're in
the washroom, you get the call,

need the codes.
I'm gonna piss myself.

And he got his iPad out
as fast as he got his d*ck out?

He was for sure
already in the washroom.

Might've already
been on the iPad.

Well, that solves it!
It was a convenience thing then.

You're Gary, you're in the
washroom, you get the call,

need the codes.
"Well, I can get you the codes,

"but I'm gonna piss myself."

And he got the codes in,

but didn't piss himself
because...

BOTH: Because he was
already in the washroom.

Jesus Christ,

the world could use
a couple of more Garys.

I think we've sleuthed
it out, partner.

Bless ya
for tryin' on "sleuth,"

but, uh, yeah, I think we have
sleuthed it out, partner.

How's your French coming?

Well... (SPEAKING FRENCH)

The only thing is...

We'd know if there was

a nuclear strike
that was intercepted.

Like, it'd be
in the news.

Ah, come on. That many
projectiles in the air?

Let's get real here.

Warheads or not,

we'd know about it.
Like, we'd know it happened.

Yeah. The government
wouldn't want us to know,

but someone would leak it.

I'm looking
at the secretary.

Beer for you, Wayne.

Thank you, Bonnie.

And da pinot noir for 'er.

Ew. Too French.

Bonnie...

Why don't you go sit down
and drink your wine?

What if I don't?

(IN FUNNY ACCENT) Den I'd
have to put my wine down.

It's bush
party season, boys.

'Tis the season.

Seasons greetings.

You know, I'm gonna make
some Caesars with the girls

and get geared up
for a gooder.

Oh, I'd have a Caesar.

KATY: You can't really see
a Caesar and not want a Caesar.

DAN: That's actually
how they market Caesars.

Wayne?

Dary.

Can I bend your ear
about something?

What are you, a bender?

Good one.
Heard it from a cow.

I know it's impolite
to kiss and tell, but...

I wouldn't say
that's universal, but, okay.

Between us girls.
Yeah, between us girls.

You ever thrown
so much hip in your life?

Between us girls?
Yeah. Between us girls.

I've never thrown
so much hip in my life.

How much hip
we talking?

I'm talkin'
like I'll be

halfway through
a bowl of cereal and...

Hip.
Oh, yeah.

Oh, man.

Same for you?
Oh, yeah.

Is that right?

Between us girls?

Of course,
between us girls.

I feel like we met,

I punched in

and I haven't
punched out.

Can I ask you
something?

Of course,
good buddy.

You feel like you're gettin'
any better at it?

I feel like I'm gettin'
a lot better at it.

Me too.

And I kind of feel like
I was a bit of a novice

with the whole thing before.

I feel
that way, too.

I feel like
with some of the gals

I'd done some yessin'
with in the past,

they might have thought,
"This guy's a dabbler."

Dary, that's exactly
how I feel.

Like, I feel like they might
have seen me as a hopeful,

at the very least.

Or like, maybe I was just
apprenticing at the time.

I kind of feel like I might be
a bit of a headliner now.

Really?
Oh, yeah.

What are we talking, like
large theaters or stadiums?

Well, large theaters
for the time being.

But like, if you can
keep going at the rate

you're going, you'll be
destined for, like...

BOTH: Bigger venues. Yeah.

That's exactly
how I feel.

That's how
I feel, too.

MARIE‐FREDERIQUE:
Who wants a Caesar?

Oh, I'd have
a Caesar.

Can't see a Caesar and
not want a Caesar.

ANIK: That's actually how
they market Caesars.

Is Stewart gonna DJ
this bush party?

Wanna know what?
I haven't seen that

f*ckin' nut sac
in the longest time.

I wonder where
he's off to.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)