06x05 - Different Strokes For Different Folks

[bunniefuu]

Your sister heard
an old favorite

on the radio the other day...

You know what I heard
on the radio today

who I haven't heard from
in a really long time

but low‐key love?

Radio?

Oh, so you were here
when I said that then.

Which radio?
The one in the f*ckin' truck.

Are you being goofy right now?

So, terrestrials radios!

All right. Yeah. So you're
being goofy right now.

No, it's just I don't knows

too many peoples who still
listens to terrestrials radios.

You've ceased mingling with
the peasants then, hey, Dan?

Internet radios,
satellite radios and podcasters

is far more populars these days.

What do youse listen to?

My Favorite m*rder podcast.

Taggart and Torrens podcast.

WAYNE: Stern.
Ah, Stern's f*ckin' sexy.

Most peoples just don't listen
to terrestrials radio.

Internet radios and satellite
radios have become far superior.

So, if Howard Stern's
type of radio

is better
than terrestrial radio,

would Howard Stern's type
be... Extra‐terrestrial?

(ALL LAUGHING)

ALL: Extra‐terrestrial...

(ALL LAUGHING)

ALL: f*ck you, Dary.

Guess who I heard
on terrestrial radio

who I haven't heard from
in a really long time

but low‐key love?

Who was it?
DMX.

f*ckin' A.
You like him, too?

Sure I do.
Why?

Well, because
he's an animal lover.

How do youse knows
he's an animal lover?

Well, on account of him always
barkin' like a dog in his songs.

See, that's why
I low‐key love him.

He just, he sounds so tough
when he goes

"arf, arf"
at the end of a rap.

How's that go, Katy?
Arf, arf.

I see. So, arf, arf...

What the f*ck was that?
What's the problem?

If DMX was here right now,
he'd hoof you right in the nuts.

I think DMX would assume
Dary'd already been hoofed
in the nuts.

Yeah. I mean,
you might as well
make a cat sound

at the end
of a tough guy line.

Well, how'd that go, Katy?
Meow!

No, but put some threatening
rap music lyrics

in front of it
like DMX would.

Okay. I'm click‐clackin'
and rack stackin',

b*tches know I'm packin',
I'm the trillist. Meow!

See?
I see. It's not the same thing.

Nope. No animal sound

would have the same effect
as a dog barking

if you're tryin' to sound tough
with rap music lyrics. Not one.

Maybe it coulds.
Okay, Dan.

Dan, okay. Okay, Dan.
Let's put it to the test.

Ahem. Uh...

It's the jump‐off.
Rockin' in my Tims.

I'm the greatest. Get shook.
Baa!

Nope.
This is America.

Put the Benjamin's
in the bag, bitch.

Hoes in the trap,
laid back in the 'Lac,

I'm a don.
Quack, quack, quack.

Strike two.
Number one country hustlers,

I'll spray your crew
and sh**t up your funeral.

It's beef and that's hunnid.

(CROWING)

Strike three. Youse outs.

Ha, ha. Woo! J Hova.

Original north side
g*ng bangers. Bounce.
Real Quick. Moo!

Okay. Yes, I understands.

I'm a P‐I‐M‐P.

Banana clips in the Benz.

I'll skeet on your main chick,
you little bitch. Baa!

Okay, you've made your points.

Squee‐squee. Ice on my wrist.

I'm strappin' and clappin'
the glock.

I'm about
to sh**t up your block.

Keep it gangster. (CAWING)

Okay, that might be
enough shouting.

(IMITATES ALARM) Machiavelli.
Mom's spaghetti,

it's straight yayo all day, yo.
I'm the realist. Hee‐haw!

I said you made our point!

Gucci bag. Poppin' Dom.

Racks on racks on racks, bitch.

Make money.
Imma sh**t on your casket.

(COOS)

This is getting obnoxious.

Versace, Versace, Versace.
Cash money,

U*i's in the back of the Bentley
For real though.

Ribbit...

So you see, Dan? No animal sound
is as tough as a dog sound.

I'm the king of the jungle,
bitch!

Bow down! (ROARS)

I'm pretty sure that was a lion
he was attempting there. So...

So you stand corrected.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Okay...

Is... Is that okay?

I... Just asking...

Are you okay? Yep... Just...
Just checking... Bye.

Don't do that, bud.
What?

Ask your gal privately,
but publicly, "Are you okay?"

Well, I was just making sure.

Yeah, you don't wanna get
too needy

with a gal like that, Dary.

A gal like what?
A gal who is, respectfully,

super, super,
super f*ckin' hot.

She's Victoria Secrets hot,
there, good buddys.

She's Sports Illustrated
Swimsuit Edition hot, Dary.

Well, yeah. All the more reason
to make sure she's okay.

Well, don't say
we didn't warn ya.

(IMITATES SWITCH)
How's the day?

Longest day of the year.

Summer solsticks...

And you know what that means...

ALL: Century Club!

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

A hundred sh*ts of beer
in a hundred minutes

will buckle ya if you
don't have a strategy.

Let me just call the girlfriend
and, uh,

make sure it's okay with
le ol' boule et chaine.

Put your phone down, Dary.

And f*ckin' stomp on it...

You try dating a French girl.

Yeah, give it a sh*t, bud.
WAYNE: 'Kay.

KATY:
Today on the summer solstice

we honor the time good ol'
Uncle Eddie

got the worst
sunburn this side of Sasky,

thus having to spend the
longest day of the year inside,

drinkin' the bar down.

Well, I'm not carrying Dan home
from the bar this time.

That was youse?
Well... Who's in?

The skids are sober,
so they're out.

And I don't know, I haven't
heard from Reilly and Jonesy.

McMurrays?
Yeah, they'll be there.

(GROANS)

Mrs. McMurray tried to arrange

some sort of pre‐drink
on Facebook.

Which is really
counterproductive

for the Century Club.

Also, f*ck Facebook.

You'll wanna avoid
McMurray today.

Is that possible?
Why?

Well, it is the Century Club,
so he'll be sh*t‐faced.

DARYL: And when McMurray gets
sh*t‐faced,

things come out
of him that are...

Off‐putting.
Like what?

No. This one's
best left parked.

Well, now I'm just
super curious.

No, just...
Just lets sleepin' dogs lies.

Yeah, yeah,
and don't kick a dead horse.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Yeah, stay away from him today.

Actually, stay away from him
when he's sh*t‐faced any time.

You do realize you're driving us
straight to him, right?

Can confirm.
Well, I got the e‐brake on so...

Better let it out.

Can't control a French girl.
Or a f*ckin' bored one.

'Sup?
'Sup?

We'll find out about it anyway.

Look, here's the scoop
and I'm gonna tell you.

When McMurray gets sh*t‐faced,

he likes to recount stories
from his boys' trips.

He still goes on boys' trips
and he's married? Grow up.

Yeah, he says things that are,

mmm...
Spit it out.

sh**t.

Just the worst f*ckin' things
you've ever heards

in your entire lives.
This I promise youse.

Thank you, Squirrelly Dan.

MARIE‐FREDERIQUE:
My brother was a hockey player,

all my cousins, too. I grew up
with boys. The worst kind.

So just try me.

Samezies.

All right. If we're goin' in,
we're goin' in.

We ain't
stopping till the job's done.

I should've packed
a lunch for this.

And final warning,
this one is best left unpacked.

Once we start you're
gonna want us to stop.

But we're not gonna stop.

Prove it.

You guys should do it
in your McMurray's voice.

Also keep your jaws clenched

like he does when he's
all sh*t‐faced.

You know, for its effects.
Any time now.

Buckles up.

Wayne, how would youse
like to talk about c**t?

Hey, Dary, are you an ass man,
a tits man, or a c**t man?

Hey, you ever f*cked a couple
of tasties at the same time?

Oh... f*cked so many tasties.

They used to tell me,
"Hey, you wanna taste it?"

They used to say, "Come on,
big boy,

"wanna jam
a little bit of a taste?"

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

I go down to Vegas with about 17
buddies every single year

and you never seen
so much c**t in your life.

Ew!
Hard Rock rooftop,

poolside villas. I ain't never
seen so much c**t in my life.

Anybody tell ya they seen
more c**t then that's a liar!

I used to f*ck
so many tasties...

(FRENCH PROFANITY)

Where is Mrs. McMurray
in all this?

We's don't ask
those kinds of questions.

I'll tell ya, the last time
we were down there,

we made a little hashtag

so the boys could keep track
of each other.

Why don't you
go ahead and search

hashtag MashTheGash2018.

The year before it was
hashtag SlitSlam2017.

Oh... They were
just the tastiest

little slits you've ever seen.

You never seen a gash so tasty.

You know what, Bobby,
Jim Dandy,

you're gonna lose
a digit in that sort of snapper.

Let me tell you something,
Vegas, Hard Rock rooftop,

poolside villas,
that c**t's there for the money

and the money's there
for the c**t.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)
Oui.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Yous guys had that comin',
good buddies.

That's a keeper if there ever
was one, eh, good buddy?

(SPEAKING FRENCH) Katy?

But the McMurray's
are part of the lifestyle

so don't they just do that
kind of sh*t together?

I mean, they seem so in love.

Different strokes for different
folks, Miss Katys.

I don't think Mrs. McMurray
knows about this.

It's none of our beeswax,
Miss Katy.

And she oughtta.

That's none of your beeswax,
Miss Katy.

What are you trying
to say to me right now?

I'm sorry, Miss Katys.

Apples.

How's the take down tally,
gents?

Almost at the finish line.

Let's sprint, baby,
you know I want it.

Speaking of Finnish,

I smashed a Finnish‐Jordanian
a few nights ago. Exquisite.

I smashed a Tongan‐Micmac
just this morning.

Yeah, I smashed
a Catalan‐Cameroonian.

Yeah? I smashed
a Swedish‐West Indian.

Good. Well I smashed
an Interior Salish‐Thai‐Syrian.

Okay. Ever smashed an
East Timorese‐Papua New Guinean?

No. Ever smashed
a Honduran‐Emiratis‐Metis?

Talk to me when you've smashed

a Cape Verdean
Bahraini Manitoban.

I smashed a
Kazakh‐Baffin Island Inuit.

Wonderful!
Final day of competition.

Let's all take a piss
and get f*ckin'

some
Nepalese Maritimers.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(URINATING)
ALL: Oh... Ow...

Ronsey?
Daxy.

Hurt a bit when you pee?

It burns, buddy.

Jonesy?
Reilly.

It burns when I pee, buddy.

(REILLY AND JONESY
GROANING AND SQUEALING)

DAX: It was that
Haitian‐Bangladeshi.

REILLY: (EXCLAIMS) That
Baja Desert‐Ukrainian.

RON: It had to have been that
Northern Irish‐Maori tribesman.

JONESY: It was that
Saint Lucian‐Sikh separatist.

JONESY:
(FARTS) f*ck!

(JONESY MOANING)

Oh, Katy. You better tuck
in that bottom lip

before ol' Tweety Bird
comes along

and makes a poopy poop on it.

Glen, I will...
Katy...

Get a drink.

Can I get a drink?

Oh, no, no, Katy.
Yell at me today.

Because today I'm playing
the role of Gail the bartender

so that she may binge drink

with all y'all,
which is technically

a form of alcoholism.

It's gonna be a great day.

Not for hay.
Not today.

Today we's stays.

Inside?

f*ck's sake.
You're gonna f*ck it up, bud.

Meanwhile, hello there.

Who's this nice little number,
Wayne? She's like a...

Like a little Cathy Deneuve or
like a little Brigitte Bardot.

Glen, this Marie‐Fred.

Oh...
Enchante, Marie‐Fred.

Je m'appelle all f*cking yours.

I know what you mean, Gail.

She's like a...
Like a Juliet Binoche...

Like a Marion Cotillard.

I'm here with Wayne.

Who?
Wayne.

I don't f*ckin' know him.
Yeah, you do.

But I know you...
Not yet.

Soon...

Oh, lads, just a little
FYI reminder.

I am taking over
the bar for Gail today.

ALL: We know!
Tone.

Where's Bonnies?

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

Bonnie, how're ya now?

Good and you?

Not so bad.
You callin' this thing t'day?

One hundred sh*ts of beer
in 100 minutes.

Rules are no pissin',
no passsin' out

and especially no pukin'.

Ugh! No pukin', please!

Ew‐wee‐you‐wee, gross, gross!
It's a carpet in here.

Competition's slim this year.
The skids are sober.

Reilly and Jonesy
called in sick.

So, you've got a sh*t.

One hundred sh*ts
to bes precise.

Oh, Dan!

Well, I'd have a beer.
Katy have a beer?

I need a beer.
Marie‐Fred, have a beer?

I'd have a beer.
Dan, have a beer?

I'd have a beer.
Dary, have a beer?

You okay?
f*ck sake.

I'll grab them.

This time, yes,
but next time,

talk to old Glen. Say, "Glen,
get me some beers."

Because technically today I'm
takin' over the bar for Gail.

ALL: We know.
Okay. I'm starting to hear,

I'm sayin' it a lot
and I'm being really detailed...

You comin'?
Thought I'd concealed it.

GAIL: Let's go.
Oh, mercy.

Bonnie, get the hot compress
ready for Gail!

She is some special, Wayne.

She's like a little
Genevieve Bujold.

Or like a little
Marie‐Josee Croze...

Yep, a keeper
if there ever was one, bud.

Just makin' sure...

Oh, Daryl. You're a bit
of a tragedy today, aren't ya?

A needy boy is a seedy boy.
Okay?

You're gonna
fudge this up, buddy.

I don't know why
she's being so distant.
Well...

Take a look in the mirror
you f*ckin' assh*le!

Wayne! How's the good
'n' you bad are you now?

(SNICKERS) You're hammered...
McMurray.

Here they are...

Well, I might've had
a helpin' hand

from a spicy little number

by the name of Mrs. Pampered
Puss McMurray. (MUTTERING)

(MUTTERING)

Hoo, boy!
MRS. McMURRAY:
I'll tell you what.

I might have a little base coat
of ginski in this cocksucker...

Mayfair. The good stuff...

Hey, Gail! How are we doin'
for ginski in this cocksucker?

You got the Piger Henricus
from... Quebec?

GAIL: I got a Wendigo
if you want a Quebec gin.

Awesome... Ginski...

Oh, heavens... Okay?

Next time ask me 'cause
I'm in charge of the bar today.

I am a lucky man.
(SNIFFLES)

Well, now that the
sit‐down pissers

are trampin' off to the bar,

youse guys wanna
talk about c**t?

DAX: What a pain in the ass,
eh, Ronsey?

RON: I'd call it a pain
in the d*ck, Daxy.

Pain in the ass?
Pain in the d*ck?

REILLY AND JONESY:
This is the end of days.

Oh, relax, boys.

At least it's not the gift
that keeps on giving.

Yeah, boys.
Could've been the herp‐dog.

How can you be so cold about
this? It's your manhood, boys.

Doesn't it just level you
to see it like that?

This isn't your...
This is!

(CLAPPING)

DAX AND RON:
Your first STD!

Adorable.

Wait. This...
This isn't yours?

DAX AND RON:
No!

How many have you had?

That's a tough question.

I don't even know.
Oh, my God, is that bad?

Oh, my God, is it?

I'm more trying
to think of a time

when I didn't have one.

(STAMMERS) Two‐wenty?
Thirty?

You're in the ballpark.
I think?

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, you're terrible.

You're terrible.

How the f*ck can you
be so calm about this?

This is the end of days!

REILLY AND JONESY: (CRYING)
This is the end of days!

I think we learned
a lesson here, buddy.

I think so too, buddy.

Which is odd because
we're normally

all about
the anti‐lesson, buddy.

Clear eyes, full hearts,
can't lose type thing.

Yeah, it was coming to us, bro.

When we compete
to take down babes...

And nearly win.
Still could win.

But...
Really...

BOTH:
No one wins. (GROAN)

It was that
Himlayan‐Bengali‐Croat.

That rascal!

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

♪ I feel foolish
I wanna drink too much

♪ You look Polish
you got a wicked sense
of humor

♪ I feel dizzy
and I want your touch

♪ Let's get tipsy
and start a rumor

♪ I feel restless here
I can't sit still

♪ Everybody at this party's
got their fingers in the till

♪ I bet their parents
are ridiculously loaded

♪ Let's get moving,
before I'm loaded

♪ The dancers need a dance floor
the swingers gotta swing

♪ Fashionable people
doing questionable things

♪ Fashionable, fashionable
fashionable people

♪ Fashionable, fashionable
fashionable people

♪ I don't wanna hang around
in someone else's scene

♪ Fashionable people
doing questionable things

♪ Fashionable, fashionable
fashionable people

♪ Fashionable, fashionable
fashionable people

♪ Fashionable, fashionable
fashionable people

♪ Come on

♪ Questionable, questionable
questionable things

One hundred.
Congratulations, everyone.

Huzzah, g*ng!

We all finished
the cocksucker...

Nobody puked or pissed
or passed out.

Wait. Yeah. Wow.

Everybody wins.

Well, I do love
a happy ending.

As do I, mon frere.

BONNIE: Congratulations on
completion, everyone.

You may now
use the facilities.

Oh...

Hello. Goodbye.
Well, that's my cue.

I'll help you bus, Glen.

Samezies.
Ah, thank you.

You got a big bin
for all this?

GLEN: Well, I sure do.

I got two strong hands.
I can help.

No, we got it.
WAYNE: Good enough.

You leave it to Julie Delpy
and Mila Kunis and me.

Come on, ladies.

Well, they all cleared out
of here pretty fast.

Not as fast as the wind.

You guys know that back
in high school

I used
to be known as... (MUTTERS)

(BURPS) I ought to tell youse

a story about hashtag
CuntCripple2016.

Please don't feel
like you have to.
Oh, I do.

Going down Vegas with the boys.
Hard Rock rooftop...

ALL: Poolside villas.

This sweet and tasty
little thing

comes and grabs me
right by the short and curlies,

right at the poolside bar.
And, believe me, never,

ever in your life have you ever
seen so many tasties ever.

I'd have a dart.
I didn't fart.

Oh, now, now,
hold your horses now,

'cause this is about
to get real good.

Now this particular tasty
was of the Australian variety.

Crikey.

Now you may not know this,

but down there
they likes you to piss on 'em.

No, they don't.
Yes, they do.

Actually, I'm told
the dudes from down under

do piss on gals.

But I don't know
what's in it for the gals.

So anyways, she says to me,

"I'm gonna go lay in the tub

"and I want you come in there
and have a little piss on me."

f*ck sake.

So, I says to her, "You want the
yella or the big fella?"

Let's have a dart.

Oh, no, come on now.
Now we're almost there.

I'm almost done.

I don't really know what to do.

I don't know if I'm supposed
to get hard

or where I'm
supposed to piss on her...

Dary!
I kinda wanna see where it goes.

So she says to me,

"I'm gonna go in there,
and lay in the tub

"and you're gonna go in there
and get a little bit hard,

"and you're gonna come in

"and have a little piss
on my tits."

Dart time!
Fart time. (LAUGHS)

No, I just gotta call Anik,
make sure everything's good.

McMurray...
Katy.

DAN: (FARTS)
That wasn't a fart.

I've got a question for you!
I've got a question for you...

Okay. You need to know
that when...

What are you doing

the last week of May?

Why?
I'll tell you.

Every spring, me and about
17 gal pals

head down to Cancun
for a girls' weekend.

Okay...

Let me tell you something
about spring break.

The older c**t is there
for the young cock.

And the young cock is there
for the older c**t.

Oh...

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Thanks, Glen.
Oh!

Thanks, Bonnie.

It was a pleasure, Gail.

It's always nice to give you
a moment to binge drink,

which is a form of alcoholism.

'Kay...

Come on, Glen.
I'll drive you home.

Thank you, Bonnie.

And I will sing you hymns
to keep you alert and inspired.

No, you won't.
That's fair.

Ladies first.
Okay.

They look so in love.

WAYNE: Got every reason
to believe they are, bud.

KATY: But they...
DAN: Miss Katys?

What?

A wee bits earlier I suggested,
quite gently,

that what the McMurray's do
is nobody's business.

I remember.
I remember you shouting at me.

I'm sorry, Squirrelly Dan.

(WHISPERS)
That's okay, Miss Katys.

We are, nones of us perfects.

And that is what I
appreciates about us.

Can I borrow somebody's phone
to call Anik, please?

WAYNE AND KATY:
No.

But what have we learned
through all this, Miss Katys?

Different strokes,
for different folks. I think?

I think you just nailed it.

♪ Get a little closer let fold

♪ Cut open my sternum and pull

♪ My little ribs around you

♪ The rungs of me be under
under you

♪ I'll cut the soft pockets
let bleed

♪ Over the rocky cliffs
that you leave

♪ To peer over
and not forget what feet are

♪ Splitting threads
of thunder over me

♪ Listen closely
closely to the floor

♪ Emitting all its graces
through the pores

♪ You make a fine shrine in me

♪ You build a fine shrine in me

♪ That I might see
with my chest and sink

♪ Into the edges round you

♪ Into the lakes
of quarry's that brink

♪ On all the edges round you

♪ Get a little closer let fold

♪ Cut open my sternum and pull

♪ My little ribs around you

♪ The lungs of me
be crowns over you

♪ Get a little closer let fold

♪ Cut open my sternum and pull

♪ My little ribs around you

♪ The lungs of me
be crowns over you

♪ Get a little closer let fold

♪ Cut open my sternum and pull

♪ My little ribs around you

♪ The rungs of me be under
under you