06x06 - Yew!

[bunniefuu]

You're discussing
critical space stuff

with your pals the other day.

DARYL: How would you
batch in space?

With immaculate care.

Yeah, it'd go airborne
if you didn't contain it.

Depends on the length
of the missions, I thinks.

Like, if it's
a pretty short mission,
you can probably gets away

without mixing
a batch up theres.

Maybe you can get away
without mixing a batch.

I mix one every night
or I'm not sleeping.

Kind of likes how I needs
to takes a shower

immediately afters
I takes a shits?

You'd cone it.

What?

Each spaceman's
given a cone,

put over your junk,
for when you batch in space.

They do?
So let's say you're in
your space quarters,

you lay on your back
in your bunk,

put the cone over your junk
and fire one up,

and since
it's zero gravity,

your batch'd float up
to the top of the cone,

and remain there.

Then what'll you do with it?

Each cadet's got a space
disposal in their quarters,

so he'll just
throw it in there.

That what they do?
Most important thing

is to obstruct the space cam
in your quarters

so that the rest
of the space cadets
don't see you batching.

I'd imagine they'd give
you a few cones.

Probably stick one of
those cones over the camera.
Exactly.

Wayne?

Dan.

How did youse acquires
this knowledge?

You remember when I took
Angie down Disney?

Yeah.

Was having drinks in a bar
by Cape Canaveral

and heard
some cadets talking.

Space cadets?

Don't f*ckin'
piss me off, Dary.

Isn't Cape Canaverals
a ways away from Disney?

It's not that far.

Okay.

You're having a drinks
in Capes Canaverals

and you overhear
some cadets

talk something about
mixing a batch
ups in space?

Did I stutter?

Crazier things
have happened,
I guess.

Was Bondars there?
Roberta?

Yeah, Robertas Bondars,

neuroscientist, Canada's
first female astronauts.

f*cking legend,
Robertas Bondars.

Yeah, Bondar was there.
Nice.

What about the other guy,
um, what's his name?

He just left,
apparently.

Wow, rubbing shoulders

with North America's
finest space cadets.

Yeah.
Bondar hammered?

No.

No, I seen her crash
a few Old Fashioneds,

but she was actually
sitting in a quiet corner
by herself.

Wonder why
the other guys left.

I don't have
that information, Dan.

Can you imagine
if North America's
finest space cadets

went ups into
outer space togethers?

Oh, they did.
They dids?

Yup. Houston wanted them
to go up there
together again, too.

Bondar didn't wanna.

Why nots?

I don't think
you wanna know.

Well, sures,
we dos.

Look, youse didn't
hear this from me,
all right?

All right.

Dary, all right?
All right.

Look, a lot of people
don't know this,

but those two weren't
just North America's
finest spacemen,

they were
actually planet Earth's
finest space people.

So, of course,
Houston wanted them

up there together
as much as possible.

But they only went
up theres togethers
the one time?

Yep.

'Cause Bondars didn't
wants to go up theres
with him agains.

Yeah.
Okay.

So, like, he was as
a bit of a guy's guy
around Kennedy Center.

You know, he played
pranks and stuff,

and they'd just say,
"Well, that's just him."

Of course, Bondar was
the more senior spaceman,

had a bit of a reputation for,
like, kicking it old‐school.

Hence, the Old Fashioneds.

So she didn't have a lot
of time for the whole
boys‐will‐be‐boys mentality.

'Kay.

So, they finally shoe‐horned
them up there together,

knowin' full well
it was oil and water.

And I guess you can say
he proved them right.

Those space cadets really
tell tales out of school, eh?

Yep.
What happened next?

So, each spaceman's
got a space cam

in their quarters
which are connected

to the other
spacemen's quarters,

as well as the main shuttle bay
and the saucer section,

the two smaller bays
and the stardrive section.

They'd be connected
to the main bridge?

Of course, they are,
Dary. f*ck's sake.

So, we're talking about
an elite vessel here?

NASA'd never send
a ship up there
if it wasn't galaxy class.

You bet they wouldn't.
Same with Elon Musk,

but apparently Russia
does it all the time.

f*cking joke star fleet.

So, what happened next?

So, Bondar'd be up
in Alpha quadrant,

keeping the Captain's
log, likely, of the events.
Yeah.

And they'd all just come out
of a Yeager loop,

so she was a bit worn out.

Yeah, she wouldn't be
at full bars.

But, of course, there's Bondar
still up there in Alpha,

keeping an eye out
for wormholes and what not.
Yeah.

I guess there he'd be
down there in Beta quadrant,

floating around
in space quarters,

which Bondar could see,
so could Houston.

I guess what he'd do

is float off‐camera,

pull his space pants down,

grab his junk in a bunch
in his hands...

Like dinker‐ball?

Sake, Dary.

This is hard enough
to get through

without you stopping
all over his story,
Dary.

Sorry, good buddy.

So, there he'd be
floating off camera.

I guess what he'd do...
Allegedlys.

...according to the cadets,

is dip just his junk
back into frame.

No.
Apparently did it
all the time.

Where's Houston
in all this?

Houston thought
it was hilarious.

But Bondar didn't?
Nope.

Bondar did not.

Jesus Christ.

I guess then what he'd do
is he'd get on his comms.

Allegedlys.

Just telling you
what the cadets
told me.

He'd go like,

(IMITATES RADIO STATIC)
"Hey, Bondar,

"check out
space cam six."
No.

Yep.
She report him?

Oh, she reported it.

Did they slap
sanctions on him?

Yeah.

Yeah, he got jacked up.

Good for Houstons.
Mmm‐hmm.

Of course, they were still
supposed to be up there

another two months together,

and things only got worse.
How?

Remember what I was
saying about the cone?
Yeah?

I guess whenever
it was Bondar's turn
to clean Beta quadrant,

he would routinely batch
and not cone it.

Inexcusables!

I ain't Bondar to tell you
that's an understatement.

I think she would, too.

No, she never expected
to be floating around

some spaceman's quarters trying
to catch airborne ej*cul*te

in a plastic vacuum bag

when she signed up
for space camp.

No, they only tell you
about omega particles

at space camp.
Mmm‐hmm.

This went on
for two more months?

Oh, no way, Dan.

Oh, you better believe
Houston aborted the mission.

Bondar had strict orders

to Picard Maneuver
and warp 10 home.

How many light years
away were they?

I was gonna ask,

but then the cadets would know
I was eavesdropping, so...

Then what happened?

(EXHALES)

They bring Bondar
in for top‐secret meeting,

airtight boardroom,

pat‐down, spawn entry,
no cell phones inside
and they said,

"Well, what do you wanna
do here, Bondar?"

Lets him have it.

No.
No?

No. You remember how
I said she's old‐school.

Yeah.

Bondar says to him, she says,

"I'm gonna be down at the bar
drinking Old Fashioneds.

"That guy's gonna get
what's coming to him."

f*cking buzzed herself
out of the boardroom.

Dids he?
Well, Dan,

one of them's up in space
doing space activities,

the other one's
at a bar by Disney
drinking Old Fashioneds.

That woman is
the portrait of class.

She always has been.

God bless yas,
Robertas Bondars.

Now, you can't be
especially sure

those were even
real space cadets

at the bar
by Kennedy that day

on account of being
so close to Disney.

Could have just
been playing pretend

or cosplaying,

like so many in that area
like to do.

But if there weren't over there
spinning the yarn,

f*cking Bondar
for Prime Minister, eh?

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(CHIMES)

Allo.
Oui, hello.

Do it.
(GROANS) Bae, no.

Oh, come on,
we talked about this.

I told you Marie‐Pierre
had to see it,
and now, she's here.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

All right.

Youse are sure you're laughing
with me and not at me, eh?

Absolutely not.

Good enough.
Is Katy there?

Sup?
Sup?

Can you hold the camera for us?
Sure.

Oh, 'cause he's gonna do
that thing for that
second verse, right?

Yup, the thing
for the second verse
is why we're here, lady.

Gotcha.
Ah, youse the luckiest...

Caught me half‐caught
here, f*ck.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)
(BOTH LAUGHING)

(SIGHS) All right, here goes.

(SIGHS)

(SINGING ALPHABET
POORLY IN FRENCH)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(SPEAKS FRENCH)

Oh!

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Bye! (SPEAKING FRENCH)

Things we do for love,
eh, big brother?

Well, it's a keeper
if ever there was one, bud.

You looks like
you're in a bad way
over there, Dary.

Yeah, I'm in a real bad way.

Have a beer.
I'm good.

Ah, I don't need a beer either.

Was actually thinking
about a water.

Ah, for hell, I'm having one.
No one's driving, right?

I'd have a beer.
WAYNE: Atta boy.

What's the matter, Dary?

I just...

I haven't talked
to Anik in a bit.

I haven't seen Aniks
in a fortnight.

A fortnight?
Who the f*ck are you?

What she been up to, Dary?

I don't know.
I do.

You do?
Yeah, I've got Anik
on Instagram.

She has an Instagram?
Airball!

Dary,

you don't know
about Anik's Instagram?

Katy, my butt cheeks
are clenched up

real tight right here.

So, whatever
you're driving at,
get after it.

Okay.

I love a girl who knows
what she wants

and gets it,
and I love Anik.

But her Instagrams,
I mean, I love this too,

but it's skanky.

Uh‐oh!
A little Skank Sinatra?

Little Skank Zappa?

Skank Ocean.
Oh, bother.

What're we talking about here,
little Tom Skanks?

Little Skank Aaron?
Skanklin D. Roosevelt.

Can I see?

Are your butt cheeks
still clenched?

Yes.

Oh...

That's a lot of likes.

Well, life's
a drive through,
bud. Gotta just...

Just keep
moving forward.

So, should...

Should I do something?

Well, she hasn't called you

and she's posting
m*therf*cking sexy photos,
like, three times a day,

so, perhaps.

Wayne?
Dary?

What would you do
if your gal had like
a real racy Instagram account?

Well, I haven't had to cross
that bridge yet, good buddy,

but she'd be a shaky one.

She'd be dangerous.

She'd be Muay Thai jai alai.

Take an eye, big brother.
Yeah, I'd have an eye.

(WHOOPS MILDLY)

(WHOOPS MILDLY)

(WHOOPS MORE STRONGLY) Oh!

In the words of
Scottie Wallis...
(WHOOPS)

That's what I said.
I said... (WHOOPS)

There's no way the photos
can be that... (WHOOPS)

Holy f*cking... (WHOOPS)

We're talking "Y"
to the "E" to the "W"!

I'm looking at yew!

Come on, give me
a big old, yew, boy!

All right, big brother,
let's get out of here.

Where we going?
You're not going anywhere.

Yeah, you stay here,
we gotta go get...

Get something sorted.

KATY: Where is
Scottie Wallis anyways?

He keeps poor company!

You know, it's
kind of suspicious.

Twos of youse
going off to someplace

we'res not allowed
to go to.

Kind of makes
a feller wonder.

I'm not gonna ask
any questions,

'cause I'm pretty sure
I'll find out,

sooner rather than later!

Bad gas travels fast
in a small town!

Hey, do you think
that, like,

the other people in town
know about her racy
Instagram account?

Well, Dary,
we have previously established

that bad gas does travel fast
in a smalls town.

But, uh, I do believe
racy photos travel faster.

Oh, I'm getting hammered.
We're out of beers, bud.

Then come with me to MoDeans?

You don't have
to ask me twice.

Yew!

(ALL GIGGLING)

Oh, f*ck.
There he is.
Scottie Wallis.

You need a big old yew!

I stop the world
and met with yew!

New York, I love yew!

Looks like she's just
not that into yew!

Bad gas travels fast
in a small town.

Sexy photos travel
faster, boy, yew!

Which we have
previously established.

Dary, do you know
how many dudes
are jerking off

to your girlfriend
right now? Yew!

Wait, I actually know
the answer. Yew.

Sixteen point
one thousand. Yew!

I wailed on it
before I got here,

but I'd wail
on it again. Yew!

I just hammered on it too,
but, Dary, yew!

Scottie Wallis here?
No.

Thought we heard
Scottie Wallis.

What's the kerfuffle?

Daryl sweetie's
Instagram. Yew!

Oh.

I just jerked off
to that.

And I just jerked off
to that.

Jerked off to what?

Stewart was just saying
that he jerked off
to Daryl sweetie's Instagram,

and I was just saying
that I jerked off

to Stewart jerking off
to Daryl sweetie's Instagram.

You're gay?
Super gay.

Yeah. (CLEARS THROAT)

Just, uh...
(CLEARS THROAT)
I'm not.

Um, said it from the start,

from the very beginning.
(CLEARS THROAT)

You're one of them types.
It's... (CLEARS THROAT)

I love my wife and...

Uh, and you're
a good enough guy,

but I ain't one of yew!

Where were you, Gail?

Jerking off
to Daryl sweetie's Instagram.

I'm gonna run to, yew‐hoo!

That's what I said.
I said, "Yew!"

Scottie Wallis is saying,
"Yew‐hoo!"

Where is Scottie Wallis?

He keeps poor company.

He's always good
for a Y‐E‐W!

Somebody better tie
my d*ck to my leg boys. Yew!

Tie my d*ck
while your at it. Yew!

ALL: Yew!

Yew!

I can't f*cking believe
your budget for this thing.

Well, you can't take it
with you, can you?

Hey, big spender.

You've never seen a hearse
pullin' a money truck, have you?

You mind if I wear a leopard
print dress to this thing?

I've got one burning
a hole in my closet.

You oughta to hear this.

Allo.

'Sup?
'Sup?

Marie‐Fred,
what's that big cat

running around Africa
with all the spots on it?

A leo‐pard.

Yeah, and what's that fish
bears like to catch
in the streams?

Um, salmon.

What do you like
in your ice‐cream bars?

Almonds.

Atta girl.

You driving up tonight, eh?
Yeah.

All right, well, go easy,
lead foot.

Okay.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Oh, my God, get cuter.

I didn't say
the f*cking words, right?

Right.
Not that I have it
on my damn self.

Well, ready?
Well... Yeah.

Pitter‐Patter.

(DOOR CLOSES)

(BOTH SPEAKING FRENCH)

I haven't been able to get
a hold of you for about a week.

Seems that everybody
in Letterkenny is j...

Jerks don't deserve your time.

Probably best
I didn't say the word.

Look, I won't be
coming around anymore.

I wanted to tell you
face to face.

But why? Because you're
Instagram famous now?

No.
Because I heard that doesn't
have much of a shelf life

according to BuzzFeed.

Your'e too clingy, Daryl.

You need to learn
to give a girl space.

Oh, bother.

And I'm working things out
with Jean‐Claude.

I was impulsive in leaving him.

Especially how I did.
I got cold feet.

We are none of us perfect.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Does Jean‐Claude know about
your racy Instagram photos?

Love is trust.

(DOOR CLOSES)

(ENGINE STARTING)

Well...

That was a hells of a time
to be rocking a piss.

She comes by, says
all them personal things,

thinking youse are alone,
but, no.

No, I was here
the whole time.

I heards everythings.

So, hey,

maybes now you can enjoy
her racy Instagrams

like the rest of us, you know,

without personal feelings,

or insecurities
seeping throughs, 'cause...

You know. 'Cause...

Yew!

Well?
Well.

Here we go now.
Here we go now.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

I heard.

Bad gas travels fast
in a small towns.

I love that girl, Dary,
but it's for the best.

What's for the best?

Dary and his gal.

Skank Stallone?

So, Daryl's single?

Wanna dance?

Always a silver lining.

(CHUCKLES)

What are you looking at?

Dary's ex‐sweetie's Instagrams.

Check out this one
hot off the presses.

I know what Scottie Wallis
would say. He'd say, "Yew!"

I was just gonna say that,
I was gonna say, "Yew!"

SCOTTIE: Yew!

Oh, Scottie Wallis.

He keeps poor companies.

What do you mean?

Yew!

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

I got a ticket.

Shocker, lead foot.

You just talked yourself
out of something, dark bread.

I got a question for you.

Okay.

Ask me inside.

It's cold.