07x03 - Nut

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Letterkenny". Aired: February 7, 2016 –; present.*
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Comedy series showcases the antics of the residents of Letterkenny, a small rural community in Canada.
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07x03 - Nut

Post by bunniefuu »

‐ Oh, here's something.

Looks like Professor Tricia
was "exposed" to speak

at a women's conference
in Santa Bar‐bare‐uhs tomorrows.

‐ I'm pretty sure that's
not how you pronounce

Santa Barbara, Daniel.

‐ I think you're thinking
of Hannah Barbera.

That's the studio that produced
the animated series

Yogi Bear, The Flintstones,
and The Jetsons.

‐ Josie and the p*ssy Cats
can get it.

‐ Mm, I always wanted
to be a Powerpuff girl.

‐ Anywhos, looks like Professor Tricias

was "exposed" to speaks
at a women's conference

in Santas Bar‐baras tomorrows,

but she didn't gets on her flights.

‐ She hammered?
DAN: No.

Uh, turns out that they routinely
oversells flights

anticipating cancellations.

So, if you don't checks in 24 hours
before your flights takes off,

you're at risks of losing your seats.

‐ To who?
‐ Some other nut sack.

‐ She is some upsets.

Keeps tweetings about it.

‐ Ugh. Okay, Professor Tricia.

We get it. You're white.

‐ What's all this then?
‐ There's nothing more white

to complain about
than your airline experience.

‐ Is too.
‐ What?

‐ Uber.
‐ All right, everybody.

That's time.
Let's put on a great show!

[bell ringing]

♪ upbeat theme music plays ♪

Three, two...

‐ Yeah, well, welcome to cr*ck an Ag

and bet you can't, so...

‐ Dary, you better
tuck that bottom lip in

before a bird comes by
and poops on it.

‐ You looks like
you're in a bad ways.

‐ I am in a bad way.

‐ Yeah, Dary, I was
gonna say you look

like you're in a bad way
over there,

but the whole point of this is to focus
on other people's problems,

so we got time for our own.

‐ So?

‐ So, it's a bit counterproductive

if we spend this time
working on your problems.

‐ So?
‐ So suck it up, buttercup!

‐ Don't slow up production, Dary.

‐ Well, I'm in a real bad way.

‐ What's the frequencies, Kenneth?

‐ I...

Never mind.
‐ Oh, get f*ckin' real.

‐ You had it tee'd up
so f*ckin' nicely, bud.

‐ It's just...

No.
‐ Look, are ya comin' or are ya goin?

‐ I had a road rage incident.

[Glen gasps]

‐ Did you b*at the shits
out of someones?

‐ I didn't do anything.
‐ Airball.

‐ I was handcuffed.
‐ Literallys?

‐ Figuratively.
‐ Okay.

That is much better than literally.

‐ Depends on who you're
talkin' to, big sh**t.

‐ The fella thought I cut him off.
Which I did not.

So, he pulls up beside me,

rolls down his window,
and he says to me‐‐

‐ And this is the part
that handcuffed you?

‐ Yeah, this is the part
that handcuffed me.

He rolls down his window
and he says...

‐ 'Kay, here goes.

‐ "Suck my Johnson."

‐ Hmm.
‐ "Suck my Johnsons?"

‐ Yeah, that's what he said.
He said, "Suck my Johnson."

‐ And that...

handcuffed yous?

‐ Gagged and bound.

‐ Why?

‐ All right. Well, when was
the last time any of you

have ever heard somebody tell you
to "suck my Johnson"?

‐ 1998.

‐ Or even use the word "Johnson"

in the place of, I don't know, "horn."
‐ Or "knob."

‐ Or "d*ck."
‐ "Ding dong."

‐ And the dandy waited for a comeback.

Just stared at me
with his mouth wide open.

I balked.
‐ Sounds to me more like you‐‐

[imitates chicken call]
'cause you're a chicken.

‐ Well, Dary, sounds like
you were too busy

hitting your head on the low hanging fruit
to pluck it then, eh?

‐ Huh?

‐ You picks a bigger johnsons.
‐ Bingo.

‐ What's a bigger johnson?
KATY: No.

It's "who's" a bigger johnson.

‐ Well, who's a bigger johnson?

‐ So, he says...

"suck my johnson."

You say...

"suck my Magic Johnson."

DAN: That's a bigger johnsons.
‐ That's one upsmanship.

‐ Bought and paid for.

‐ John‐son of a bitch.

‐ Suck my Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.

‐ Yeah, much bigger johnson.

‐ Suck my Randy Johnson.

‐ Oh, bonus points for that one, too,

'cause Randy Johnson's
nickname was The Big Units.

‐ Suck my Jack Johnson.

‐ Which ones?
‐ I'm sorry.

There's more than one?
‐ Yeah.

There's the guitar players
or the hockey players.

‐ Both at once!
I mean, I don't know.

What are we talking about?

‐ You know what, let's just forget about
that one anyways,

'cause it's, uh, Dary.
‐ Dary.

‐ Okay. Suck my Aaron Taylor‐Johnson.

‐ From the movie Godzillas.
Now, that's a big johnsons.

‐ Suck my Howard Johnson.

‐ Giant hotel chain.
Massive johnsons.

‐ Suck my Johnson & Johnson.

‐ Billion‐dollar conglomerate.
Ample johnsons.

‐ Suck my Johnstonville Brats.

‐ Best beer brats
outside the ball park, bud.

That's a damn good johnsons.

‐ So you've been to Newfoundland lately?
MAN: Woo.

‐ Suck my St. Johnson.

‐ That one works
for New Brunswicks too.

Yeah, you could be suckin'
on a couple of St. Johnson's.

‐ Oh, oh, okay, listen to this one.

Suck my Sean Lennon.

‐ Why Sean Lennons?

‐ Because he's John's son.

ALL: Boo!

‐ Suck my Lyndon Baines Johnson.

‐ Oh, LBJs was obsessed
with his horn

and was rumored
to have had a huge one.

‐ LBJ?

‐ Yeah, that's very
inside baseball, Daniel.

‐ I believes Randy Johnsons
had the inside baseball.

ALL: Hayoo!

‐ In any event,

follow up with one of those
and he'll be froze d*ck hard.

‐ 'Kay, we've got a caller.

And he goes by the name of...

CALLER: Suck my johnson!

‐ That's him.
CALLER: How dare you run

to your fruity TV show
telling tales outta school.

That's f*ckin' gutless.

‐ Well, you've got
your tools packed

for this job site.
Let him have it.

‐ Suck my Jack Johnson!

CALLER: Oh, which one?

‐ Air ball.

♪ theme music playing ♪

WOMAN [on computer]
Oh, Come on, white boy. g*dd*mn!

You better not nut before I nut.

‐ Oh, g*dd*mn. Hold onto that nut, boy.
‐ [slap]

Oh, yeah,
stretch me out, big boy.

‐ I'ma nut. sh*t.
‐ [slap]

Oh, sh*t. Oh, sh*t!

‐ [slap]
‐ Oh, that's it, white boy.

‐ [slap]
‐ You gimme the goodest nut.

And now you gonna
gimme that butt nut.

‐ Oh, come on, white boy. g*dd*mn.
‐ [slap]

Gimme that balloon knot butt nut!

Gimme that big boy nut!

‐ [slap]
‐ Oh, sh*t!

I'ma nut again!

KATY:
You know what, boys,

I think this may be it.
‐ What?

‐ Chicken butt.
‐ Chicken nut.

KATY:
It's pitch f*cking black

before Hockey Night
in Canada even starts.

Winter comin'.

‐ Omar comin.'
‐ Yeah.

I think it's time to put away
the wife beaters

and get out the block heaters.

‐ It's time to put away
your swimsuits

and get out yer snow boots.

‐ Time to put away the hoses

and prepare
for the runny noses.

‐ Less parks, more parkas.

‐ Less lakes, more flakes.

‐ You are white, boy.
‐ Hmm?

‐ You look like
you've seen a ghost.

‐ I've seen...

things.

‐ Penny for your thoughts?

‐ They don't make pennies anymore.
Did you know that?

‐ If you stick a penny
up your ass

and it comes out green,
it means you're sick.

Did you know that?

‐ I know that if you're
sticking a penny up your ass,

you're already sick, Dary.

‐ [scoffs]
Everybody knows that.

‐ What did you see, Dan?

[gulps]

‐ I'm not sure I'm comfortables
discussing thats in this...

settings.

‐ Oh, come on, Dan, nut up.

Such a pansy.

‐ Where did you see it?

‐ A website.
‐ It's p*rn.

‐ How did you know that it was p*rn?
All I said was‐‐

‐ What are we talking here?
Creampie? Hentai?

‐ Guy on guy?
‐ I'm uncomfortables.

‐ Come on, Dan.
We're all friends here.

‐ That's a stretch.
‐ [hisses]

‐ [whispers]
Don't say stretch.

‐ Now, shall we agree
to check the box

henceforth agreeing to the terms
and conditions of this discussion?

ALL: Yup.

‐ Dan, begin.

‐ Well...
‐ f*ckin' Christ. Tick‐tock.

‐ There‐‐ there was a mans.

And...

And a womans.
‐ Race?

‐ I think this is one of those things

you're supposed to take
slow and steady.

‐ I can't. No.

‐ Do we just watch it?

‐ Yeah.

[Roald giggling]



‐ Hey, boys.
‐ Hey...

‐ Mia.
‐ Mia!

‐ Sofia.
‐ Sofia!

‐ Mia‐Sofia.

‐ Mia‐So...

‐ Horny?

Good one.
Haven't heard it before.

‐ Aw. Mia‐so sorry.

‐ Not sure that's PC, buddy.

‐ How's the team looking
this year, boys?

‐ Well, the Irish folded
last season, so‐‐

‐ We're not on a team.

‐ So, you're not hockey players?

‐ Well, technically‐‐

‐ Not at the moment. Why?

‐ Girls love
hockey players, boys.

‐ Babe.

‐ Oh, snipe.

BOTH:
Oh, Bonnie McMurray.

‐ Sup?
‐ You good?

‐ Meh.
‐ Are you serious?

‐ Meh.
‐ Are you cereal?

‐ Meh.
‐ She's seri‐dog.

‐ She's Syria.

‐ Why just meh?

‐ My little brother's playing
junior out west this year.

‐ Are you Cersei Lannister?
‐ He left this morning.

‐ Well, maybe he'll have
a sick billet brother

to take him under his wing
or something.

‐ Maybe he'll have a sweet billet sister
to take him...

[whispers] down.
‐ Yeah.

‐ I'm not worried.
‐ No?

‐ He'll be fine.
‐ Yeah?

‐ Girls love hockey players, boys.

Point and proof.

‐ Do you miss it, buddy?

‐ The game?
‐ I miss it, bro.

‐ Do you miss it, buddy?

‐ I miss it, bro.

‐ Do you miss it, buddy?
‐ I miss it, bro.

[both muttering]

‐ [boys groaning]
‐ Babes.

WOMAN: Oh my God, white boy. g*dd*mn!
‐ [slap]

‐ You give me the epicest nut.
‐ [slap]

‐ You been eatin' that pineapple,
white boy. g*dd*mn.
‐ [slap]

I'ma taste the tuttiest‐fruitiest nut.

‐ I've seen that one.

‐ Same.
‐ Stewart.

‐ Me too.

‐ Yeah, I've seen her
in a bunch of things.

‐ I've seen a bunch
of things in her.

‐ Wayne?
‐ I'm not obligated

to disclose that information.

‐ Did you nut?

‐ Hmm?
‐ White boy.

‐ Gail!

‐ He nutted.

‐ Righteous.
‐ Stewart.

‐ I feels exposed.

‐ Kind of a curious word, "nut," for...

‐ Jizz?
‐ Penis Colada?

‐ White gold?
‐ Go on skeet?

‐ Nard Nectar.

‐ Groin Gravy.
‐ p*rn syrup.

‐ You know, I get a kick
out of how she attaches

food to the...
‐ Nut?

‐ Yeah, like that's what
the dude giving her the nut just ate

and that's what
his nut tastes like.

It's like, come on,
white boy, gimme some

of that brown butter
pumpkin gnocchi nut.

‐ Yeah, come on, gimme some

of that garlic soy
baby bok choy nut.

‐ Oh, yeah, gimme some of that chocolate
peanut butter corn pop nut.

‐ Oh, yeah. Gimme some
of that cinnamon Dunkaroos nut.

‐ Oh, yeah. Gimme some
of that spicy unagi nigiri nut

with, like, epic deliciousness.

‐ g*dd*mn, boy!
[exhales]

I ain't never had
a nut so epic!

‐ Gimme some of that intense
dill pickle Dorito nut.

‐ Gimme some of that gluten‐free
artisanal brie nut.

‐ Oh, gimme some
of that papadum pork vindaloo nut.

‐ Mm, gimme some of that
scallion spinach spanakopita nut.

‐ Gimme some of that nut
with the freshest ingredients.

‐ Yeah.
‐ Safe to say

everyone gets a kick out of it, Dan.

‐ I just feels compromised.
‐ Well, you shouldn't.

‐ Yeah, Dan, everyone watches p*rn.

‐ Yeah, Dan,
everyone watches p*rn.

Right, Wayne?
‐ Not gonna bite.

‐ Well, it's kinda like
a birth right there, good buddy.

‐ Whats you guys watch?

‐ What do you miss
about it most, buddy?

‐ The game?
‐ The game.

‐ Babes.
‐ What do you miss most about it?

‐ Snipes.
‐ Tyson?

‐ Rockets.
‐ Joint boy?

‐ Broads.

‐ Okay. Um.

What do you miss
second most about it?

‐ Goin' cheese.
‐ Goin' cheddar cheese.

‐ Goin' top cheddar cheese.
‐ Goin' Chuck E. Cheese.

‐ Yeah? You miss goin'
Cheesecake Factory?

‐ Love me some Monterey Jack.

‐ Love goin' smoked Gouda.

‐ Love me some
fresh truffle Bay swiss.

‐ Love goin' seven herb
pro‐biotic provolone.

‐ Who doesn't love rippin' Babybel?

‐ We should be rippin'
some nice stinky Limburger.

‐ We should be rippin' kosher
artisan Parmesan.

‐ We should be rippin'
peak ripe goat brie.

‐ We should be rippin'
acid cut Feta.


‐ You should be rippin'
melted down Kraft Singles.

‐ We should be rippin' some pasty
closed curd Cream Havarti.

‐ We should be rippin'
runny French raw milk queso.

‐ We should be rippin' extra strong
oxidized Alpine Asiago.

‐ We should be rippin'
barnyardy Gorgonzola.

‐ You guys talkin' about
what I think you're talkin' about?

‐ Agreed. We should
be rippin' briney bloomy

surface ripened silky rind
Butterfat blended Bocconcini.

‐ Animal welfare approved.

[everyone muttering in approval]

WOMAN: Oh, Daddy!

Daddy, oh!

Daddy, oh, Daddy, oh!
[stops]

‐ This is f*ckin' weird, Dary.
You're f*ckin' weird, Dary.

What? How is that
any more weird than

[imitating woman] "Oh, yeah, gimme
some of that Denny's Grand Slam

with extra sausage links nut?"

‐ She keeps callsing him daddy.

‐ No, she isn't.
She's calling him dee‐yaddy.

‐ No, she isn't.
She's calling him D‐yaaddy!

‐ That is f*ckin' weird, Dary,
'cause you're f*ckin' weird, Dary.

‐ It's dad p*rn.

‐ This p*rn is so dad, it came home

on lunch break
to play GoldenEye.

‐ This p*rn is so dad,
it's in the driveway

checking my tire pressure.

‐ This p*rn is so dad,

it farted and then asked
who sat on the duck.

‐ This p*rn is so dad,

Joe Walsh gets a pass
'cause he wrote Funk 49.

‐ [normal voice]
This p*rn is so dad,

it's got a subscription
to Golfer's Digest.

But I ask again,
how is it any more weird than

[imitating woman] "Ooh, yeah, gimme some

of that Chuck Hughes
extra spicy jerk crab nut?"

‐ This p*rn is so dad,
it took in a matinees

while Mom was out shoppings,

but it's f*ckin' weird, Dary.
And you're f*ckin' weird, Dary.

‐ Dan, it's not actually her dad,
you little pervert.

‐ It isn't?

‐ No. It's just...

I don't know, something girls say
in p*rn sometimes.

‐ Similar to how dudes
call girls mami.

‐ [imitating woman]
Oh yeah, papi.

‐ Are you my dee‐yaddy?

‐ They call me big dee‐yad.

‐ Oye Papi.

‐ Come on, mami.

[indistinct chatter]

Wait! I got one.

Wanna see it?

‐ What else do you miss, boys?
‐ Love rackin' gino's.

‐ Love rackin' tucks.

‐ But rackin' apples
pads the stats.

‐ Gotta pad the statski's.

‐ The legend
of Johnny Apple Seed.

‐ Rackin' Fiona Apples?

‐ Rackin Christina Applegate's.

‐ Rackin' apple fritters.

‐ Rackin' up a McIntosh.

‐ Rack up a Golden Delicious.
‐ Rack up a Cortland.

‐ Rackin' up a Granny Smith.

‐ Sauce me a Gala.

‐ I'll sauce you a Fuji.

‐ I'll sauce you an Empire.
‐ I'll sauce ya a Jonagold.

‐ Love the sauce, boys.

‐ I'll sauce ya a Hollandaise.

‐ Sauce me a salad dressing.

‐ I'll sauce ya a mushroom gravy.

‐ I'll sauce you a Neapolitan Ragu.

‐ I'll sauce ya a Bearnaise bolognese.

‐ I'll sauce ya a Chimichurri
Sriracha Salsa.

Or a nice Tonkatsu sauce piquante, boys.
Gimme it right now.

‐ Reilly, don't wanna
single anyone out here,

but the flow is suffering.

‐ Just toss that salad
in the crisper, bro.

‐ Gotta get that romaine flowin'.

‐ I gotta get that Kale goin'.

‐ Shake out the arugula.

‐ Let's see that green leaf
lettuce of old.

[muttering] You know I like
those leaves, buddy.

BOTH: Must be f*ckin' nice.

‐ Boys, you know what I might miss
the most though?

Taking the piss out of schmelts.

‐ Love giving rookies the gears.

‐ Like, that schmelt?

WOMAN: [moaning]
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah!

‐ What are we watching?

‐ Some of that good f*ckin'.

[high‐pitched moaning continues]

‐ That was the fakest p*rn scream
I've ever heard.

‐ What was fake about it?

‐ You could put that scream
next to Tarzan

in the jungle
and you wouldn't know the difference.

‐ Yeah, I would.
‐ It sounded

like she was being tortured.

‐ Never had one like that?

‐ I'm not obligated to disclose

that information.
‐ Thank you, Gailer.

‐ No one has.

‐ Never had a horn that big then.

‐ Don't answer that.
ROALD: I mean,

Stewart's that big and I've...
‐ Roald!

‐ Stewart.
‐ Okay. Let's get real here.

It's not that big.

Is it?
‐ It is.

‐ Roald.
ROALD: Well, Stewart,

there was
that one time where

he got an erection,
it was so big and so long

that, uh, he actually passed out
for several hours.

‐ Sup, skid.

‐ I'm gonna go
cold rocks a hot piss.

‐ And I heard Gae climax like that
several times.

‐ My Gae sex is none
of anyone's business.

‐ [in normal voice] Your Gae sex?
STEWART: Fine.

Gae sex filled me up inside, okay?

‐ Does it?
STEWART: Yes.

After Gae sex, there is no other sex.
Are you happy?

‐ But Gae sex was different
than all the other sex you'd had then?

‐ Gae sex is the best of all sex.

And I miss it.

‐ Would you go as far as to say
Gae sex was

kind of your own personal awakening?

‐ Gae sex made me feel something deep.

Deep inside of me.

There, I said it!

It's as though my whole life
was meaningless

before I discovered Gae sex.

Are you satisfied?
‐ Stewart.

‐ Gae sex made me feel pride.

Gae sex made me feel like He‐Man.

Must you t*rture me
with these reflections?

Ever since she left,
all I think about is Gae sex.

I dream about it.
‐ Life altering then, eh?

‐ Earth shattering.

‐ Earth‐shattering Gae sex.

‐ You know, Stewart,
just because this Gae got away

doesn't mean that there aren't
a lot of other Gae's out there.

‐ Almost certainly.
‐ Find yourself a Gae.

Then you'll know what I mean.

‐ Okay.

‐ Stewart.
‐ Roald.

‐ Are you done talking about sex
with your ex‐girlfriend

who happens to be named Gae?

STEWART:
I don't even know anymore.

‐ Because we've watched
a lot of p*rn today.

But we haven't watched any gay p*rn,

so I was thinking...
DARYL: Uh, Roald,

we're all for you
living your best life, but...

‐ All for you tastin' the rainbow,
bud, but...

‐ All for you living your life largely,

but...
‐ In.

‐ Wanna watch a movie?
‐ 'Kay.

‐ You wanna play a game of Crib?
‐ 'Kay.

‐ Stewart?

‐ All of this Gae sex talk.

I'm defeated.

‐ Rips?

‐ Absolutely.

‐ See you and your
big f*ckin' d*ck later.

‐ What's up, schmelt?

‐ Sup, phezzy?
‐ Boys.

‐ Wait, you're on a team this year?

‐ Yeah. Got picked up
by a senior triple‐A team

in the city after the Irish folded.

‐ You?

‐ How the f*ck are you on a team
and we're not?

‐ I dunno. May wanna
get on that though 'cause

girls love hockey players, boys.

‐ Point and proof. Chins up.
I'll buy you a beer.

BOTH:
Oh. Bonnie McMurray.

‐ Feeling a little better
about what turns you on

after hours, big fella?

‐ I am, Gailer.

I've realized that whats we watch
in our mes time

is no one's business
but our ownsen

and nots to be agreed upon
by everybodys.

‐ No place for the state
in the bedrooms of the nation.

‐ Trudeau?
‐ True dat.

To each his or her own, cowboy.

You wanna get that nut?

White boy.

[man and woman moaning]

[moaning continues]

[moaning continues]

[moaning continues]
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