07x06 - In It To Win It

[bunniefuu]

‐ You were leanin' right into one
with your pals the other day.

‐ Wayne, you hammered?

‐ Me? No...

Sorry, what's that?

‐ He's hammered.
‐ f*ck, I'm hammered.

Shouldn't have driven here.
‐ You didn't.

‐ Holy f*ck.

‐ He's ins it to wins it.
‐ f*ckin' A.

He's in it to win it.

Look at this wild cat.

‐ Bonnie, they have you
making beer runs now?

‐ f*ck no. Ain't trying be no beer runner.

‐ She made the bet.
‐ She in it to win it?

‐ She lost the bet.
‐ What for?

‐ I said Tavares would have
a slow start with the Leafs.

‐ And I still say if the Leafs think

I'm paying a buck twenty
for upper bowl seats,

they can sucks my babcock.

‐ Sharp coat, bud.

‐ Thanks, Wayne.
‐ Can I borrow it?

‐ You've got plenty to keep
you warm in that turtleneck.

Looks cozy.
‐ Hey, you wanna try it on?

‐ I've gotta go to work.

Bye, Daryl.

‐ Aren't you supposed to be
driving to Quebec later?

‐ Me? No.

No, Marie‐Fred picked up a shift there,
so... in Quebec.

‐ So, let's drink eight beers.

WAYNE:
f*ck, I'll have eight beers.

‐ Speaking of driving to Quebec...

‐ Look at this big cat.

‐ Oof. Wayne!

I could set your breath
on fire from all the way over here.

‐ He's hammered.
‐ He's in it to win it.

‐ I'd have a beer.

‐ Aren't you supposed to be
courting your Mennonite tonight?

‐ Ooh, Lovina Dyck.

‐ Lovina Dyck's parents are out of towns,

and you needs parental supervisions
to courts a Mennonite gal.

‐ So, what's a Mennonite's
favorite kind of raisin?

‐ What?
‐ Barn raisin'.

[muffled laugh]

‐ Well, it's a great day for eight.

Beers.

‐ Looks like Wayne's
already had eight beers.

‐ Me?
‐ He's eight'n to exhale.

‐ Better eight than never.

‐ Now, why would anybody want to
sit down and drink eight beers's?

‐ He's in it to win it.

‐ Eight will get the rig rollin'.
‐ f*ckin' A.

‐ Je ne comprends pas, Daniel.

‐ Let's say your buddy comes
over to have a beer.

So you have a beer,
maybe you have a couple beers.

But you're gonna stop at a couple of beers

'cause if you have six beers,

well, then you might
as well just be honest

and admit you're gonna
get f*cking hammered.

‐ Nah, f*ck six, seven beers.

‐ Je ne comprends toujours pas.

‐ If you say you're gonna
have a couple beers,

you stop at a couple beers.

But if you're more likely to lean into it,

like we are today,
well, then you get real...

‐ You get real.

‐ You get real and you say,
"I'm gonna have eight beers."

‐ f*ck, McMurray was talkin' about
having eight beers.

‐ McMurray's a piece of sh*t.

‐ Why would anybody want to sit
and just drink eight beers's?

The bloat of it.
‐ He's in it to win it.

‐ f*ck, Dary, have a beer.

‐ Do youse remember when
I was talking about driving to Quebec?

‐ Oh, I remember that.

It was right when I
entered the conversation.

I only caught a ribbon of it,

but I'm dying for the rest to unfurl.

‐ Well, I got news for youse.

‐ Hope it's better than
McMurray's news for youse.

‐ f*ck, anything's better than
McMurray's news for youse.

"And I..."

‐ I'm driving to Quebec.

‐ Good fishin' in Quebec.

‐ Great fishin' in Quebec.

‐ To get Anik back.
‐ [gasps]

‐ f*ck off, Dary.

‐ Well, look at this bear cat.

♪ theme music playing ♪

‐ What's happening? Okay.

GLEN:
You're mine now.

‐ You here.

I believe the expression is,
"Give your balls a tug."

‐ She's angry.
‐ She's in it to win it.

‐ Dary, if you drive to Quebec

to beg a woman who cheated
on you to come back,

I will punch you in the stomach.

‐ Yeah, get him right in
the processor, Katy.

‐ Well, there's no evidence
that she cheated on me, that I know of.

She was just going back to Jean‐Claude.

[grunts]

‐ f*ck, Katy got him
right in the processor.

‐ So, Dary, you think that
she made that decision,

came to tell you,
and then went back to him.

‐ That's what I was hoping for.

‐ Dary, where do you think she was

for those two weeks
that you couldn't reach her?

‐ Taking racy Instagram photos. Yew!

‐ Yeah, there's proof of that.
‐ Yew!

‐ She was f*cking him.
‐ That's a bad word.

‐ Oh, bother.

‐ Well, to be fair.

‐ [in posh voice] To be fair.
‐ To be fair.

‐ To be fair, if there was one woman
that could make me switch teams,

she is it. [giggles]

‐ Well, but I...
‐ Wait.

Glen, switch teams to what?

‐ Catholicism.

‐ Good buddies?
‐ She's rights.

‐ [in normal voice]
She's in it to win it.

‐ g*dd*mn right I'm right.

‐ Can't go back to someone
who steps out on you

and gets any respects.

‐ No?
DAN: No.

Nots in a small town.
‐ Wayne?

‐ Look, if you're nine out of ten
in it to win it,

well, that ain't good enough.

Gotta be 10 outta 10.

Or you're not in it to win it.

‐ What?

‐ Good buddy?

‐ If she cheats...
‐ Or he.

‐ It's over.

No exceptions.

‐ So youse aren't gonna come with me?

‐ Good buddy, I'll go.

But I do not back this.

‐ Well, then you're not
a good enough buddy...

‐ [gasps]
‐ [puppy whimpering]

good buddy.

‐ Skunked out.

‐ Dary, if you make me
f*cking run right now...

‐ Katy! The show's about to start.

‐ [door slams]
‐ Ugh, f*ck the show.

‐ Wanna know what?
f*ck the show is right.

‐ Yeah, I'm getting a wee bit tired
of this f*cking show myself.

‐ So, this is not a good time to tell you

that I'm gonna need to
start charging you rent

on the studio space?

‐ We spent all winter helping
people with their problems.

Look, if we haven't helped you,
you're f*cking helpless.

DAN:
Yeah, we puts in our times.

It's all right if we looks out
for number ones for a wee bits.

‐ Put on your own oxygen mask
before assisting others.

‐ But I'm assuming there's already
about three dozen people in the queue.

‐ Well, you wanna know what?

We're gonna sit here, drink eight beers,

and help them all till
it's all f*cking over with.

‐ And then what?

‐ Get that f*cking red light going.

‐ Okay, come on, little guy,
we're gonna do this.

And, eh, we're on.

‐ Welcome to the last ever
cr*ck An Ag.

And bet you can't, so...

‐ All right. Grab a knee.

I wanna thank youse guys.

Youse made a big sacrifice
for me this week.

Four practices in six days.

I think we're ready.
‐ We're ready.

‐ We're ready?
‐ We're ready.

‐ We're ready?
BOTH: We're ready.

‐ These guys are gonna be
really f*ckin' good.

‐ Pleasure is all ours, boys.

‐ Yeah, we missed the boys, boys.

‐ Got us thinking about getting the boys
back together permanently, boys.

‐ You know how good these
guys are gonna be, right?

‐ Hey, what did I tell you about talking?

‐ How good?

‐ These guys are gonna be so f*cking good.

‐ Same still goes for you, too.

‐ That good?

‐ These guys are gonna be
really f*cking good.

‐ Hey!

I said we're ready.

‐ We're ready!
‐ We're ready.

‐ We're ready.
‐ We're ready!

BOTH:
We're ready.

‐ We'd be better with Barts.

‐ Yorkie.
‐ Scholtzy.

‐ Fisky.
‐ Boomtown.

‐ Well, they're not here, and I told youse

I don't wanna talk about
those f*ckers, all right?

‐ Yeah, but...
‐ But why?

‐ Get up. Get up.

‐ Barts?
REILLY: Yorkie.

‐ Scholtzy?
‐ Fisky?

‐ Boomtown!
‐ Hey, you guys.

‐ Don't you have to be Native
to play for the Native team?

‐ You have to be Native
to play for the Native team.

‐ Read the Indian Act, ladies.

‐ Indian?

‐ Not sure that's PC, buddy.
‐ I don't think it is, buddy.

‐ Barts.

‐ I'm eligible for Indian status
because one or both of my grandparents

has Indian status, you little bitch.

Yorkie?

‐ I am also eligible for Indian status

because one or more
of my parents has Indian status.

Scholtzy.

‐ I'm also eligible for Indian status

because an immediate family member,

i.e., uncle, aunt, or cousin

is registered or entitled
to be registered,

p*ssy.

Fisky.

‐ My eligibility is a bit
more complicated,

but equally valid.

At least one of my parents
is or was registered

or entitled to be registered

under subsection 6(1)
or subsection 6(2) of the Indian Act,

which I advise you to investigate

to further educate yourselves
on the Canadian Indian Act.

Boomtown!

‐ I'm the grandchild of an Indian woman
who lost her status through marriage.

Which makes me a Bill C‐3 Applicant

of the Gender Equity
in the Indian Registration Act.

My grandmother was a good woman.

My grandfather,
a violent, unfaithful drunk.

I worked through my anger towards him

in therapy with
a registered psychotherapist,

which conveniently was a 75% tax write off

under my social benefits program.

Big takeaway?

Be kind.

'Cause everyone you meet is fighting
a battle you know nothing about.

SHORESY:
Give your f*cking balls a tug.

ALL:
Shoresy?

SHORESY:
[laughing] Tit fucker.

‐ That's our secret w*apon. Buckle up.

‐ We'll see.
‐ [scoffs] We'll see.

‐ We'll see.
‐ We'll see.

‐ We'll see.
‐ Oh, we'll see.

BOTH:
We'll see.

‐ These guys are gonna be
really f*cking good.

‐ You remember our little wager, Tanis?

‐ Hmm, I think so.

‐ Be like my favorite hockey player...

BJ Crombeen.
‐ Oh.

‐ Be like my favorite
mixed martial artist:

BJ Penn.
‐ Right.

‐ Be like my favorite cast member
from hit NBC sitcom The Office.

BJ Novak.

‐ I think you're cute.
I would have done it anyways.

‐ Really?
‐ But a bet's a bet.

Let's go then.

Right. Grab a knee.

Now, I know we can't win this game,

but I need to make it entertaining.

Show these guys what I can bring.
Little help?

‐ Oh, so you want us to donk, boys?

‐ Yeah, I need a couple donkeys.

‐ I could donk all day, boys.

‐ Call me Rob Donkowski.

‐ I'm a Donkey Tonk Man.

‐ I'm a Donkey Tonk Woman.

‐ Donkey's and conky's ferda.

‐ All right. Let's do this.

♪ Beg me to take you on a date ♪

♪ Didn't give a sh*t
when you showed up late ♪

‐ Nice earrings, Gailer.
‐ You wanna try 'em on?

‐ Where is everybody?

‐ I look like the f*ckin' Oracle?

‐ I don't know what she looks like.

‐ Beer?
‐ I'm driving.

‐ Where to, caribou?
‐ Quebec.

‐ What for, wild boar?
‐ Anik.

‐ Yew!

‐ Is Scottie Wallis here?

‐ Nah. Just talkin' about
Daryl's ex‐sweetie.

‐ Skank Azaria?

‐ Sounds like he's after a little
Shaw‐Skank Redemption.

‐ She stepped out on you, Daryl.

‐ That's not certain.

GAIL: f*cking likely.

If she cheats...
‐ Or he.

‐ Or they, it's over.

No exceptions.

‐ A lot of good girls out there
who would never do that to you.

You need to open your eyes.

‐ I just need to find some backup.

Gonna get my ass kicked, likely.

‐ Bad timing, cowboy.

Everyone's out and about.

‐ Bother.

‐ Not everyone, I guess.

♪ heavy metal music playing ♪

STEWART: Roald.
ROALD: Stewart.

STEWART:
Shall I assume you're behind this?

ROALD:
I'd prefer them behind me.

‐ Justify.

‐ You know how some people
have vision boards?

‐ I know how some might‐have‐been
wannabes have vision boards, yes.

‐ Cool. So I have a jerk board.

‐ What's a jerk board?

‐ Things I can look at for
inspiration to jerk off.

[chuckles]

‐ You require inspiration?
‐ Sometimes I do.

ALY:
We're in trouble.

‐ We're all in trouble.
‐ We need help.

‐ The Hicks have a call‐in show for that‐‐
‐ Roald.

‐ We kept shopping around that green G
you guys brought to the city.

Kept your legacy alive.
‐ Danke.

‐ But the city dealer got wise.
Sniffed us out.

‐ He wants to k*ll us.

‐ [gasps]
ALY: Like he wanted to k*ll you.

‐ We ain't scared.
‐ But we need your help.

‐ What, pray tell,
makes you think I can help?

‐ Or want to, Stewart.
‐ Roald.

‐ Because you're a vigilante.

‐ And we heard you and your girl
when we came to your door that day.

‐ Sounded like some of that good f*ckin'.

‐ Mmm‐hmm? Mm‐hmm.
‐ Mmm‐hmm. Mm‐hmm.

‐ Type of dudes who can pull that off
are capable, competent...

Men.

‐ Roald.
‐ [squeaks] Stewart.

‐ How does our schedule look?
‐ Jammed.

‐ What can we do to convince you to...

move some things around?

‐ Things are moving.

♪ "O Siem" by Susan Aglukark playing ♪

♪ O Siem... ♪

‐ I would smash Susan Aglukark
f*ckin' yesterday.

‐ Cool warm‐up song. Susan Aglukark?

‐ Juno Award winner for
Breakthrough Artist of the Year '95.

Indigenous Album
of the Year '95 and '04.

Get off her f*ckin' d*ck.

‐ What's this?

SHORESY: 34, what's one
plus one, you big dumb f*ck?

REILLY:
f*ck, are you f*ckin' ugly, bud.

SHORESY: Spell "puck,"
you dumb f*cking assh*le.

‐ I'll stick you in the face.

‐ You f*cking sally, I'm gonna stick you
right in the f*cking bird.

[chuckles]

‐ Ash Corley on the line.

‐ Oh, there's a wild cat.
‐ Bear cat.

‐ Big cat, Corley!
[burps]

CORLEY: How're you now?
‐ Good, and youse?

CORLEY: Not so bad.
Guess who's running for Miss 4‐H Club?

‐ You in it to win it?

CORLEY:
I should say.

‐ Isn't that, uh,

normallys reserved for,
uh, high school gals?

CORLEY: Yeah, but f*ck,
they let dudes around now, so...

‐ Do they really?

‐ So's, anyones can be, uh,
Miss 4‐H Clubs, then?

CORLEY: If you've got two feet
and a heartbeat, you're in.

‐ Good. Are you in it to win it?

‐ So, did youse just calls in

to let us know that you're
runnings for Miss 4‐H Clubs?

CORLEY:
I was actually calling to ask Wayne

if he's f*cking serious
with that turtleneck.

‐ You lose a lot of heat in the neck.

CORLEY: Looks cozy, bud.
‐ Why, you wanna try it on?

‐ It's a nice day.
‐ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

‐ It's not too cold.

‐ Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[whoops]

‐ sh*t. Get down.

[whoops softly]

[crowd clapping, cheering]

‐ Dickskin.
JIM: Dickins.

‐ You're up.

JIM: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen,
children of all ages.

We would first like to thank
the Atikameksheng Anishnawbek band

for allowing us on their land

for tonight's match up between
the Letterkenny Irish

and the North Rez Eagles.
SHORESY: We f*ckin' going?

Give me one. Give me it.

JIM:
Get your 50/50 tickets in the lobby...

‐ You f*cking chicken sh*t.

‐ No fighting.

None.

♪ "Walk Tall" by Kele Okereka playing ♪

♪ But this starts now,
walk tall, walk tall ♪

♪ But this starts now, walk tall,
walk tall ♪

♪ I don't know what you've been told,
I don't know what you've been told ♪

‐ Nice work. Celly f*ckin' harder.

You're the pride of your community.

♪ I don't know what you've been told,
I don't know what you've been told ♪

♪ But this starts now,
walk tall, walk tall ♪

♪ But this starts now, walk tall,
walk tall ♪

♪ I don't know what you've been told,
I don't know what you've been told ♪

♪ But this starts now,
walk tall, walk tall ♪

♪ But this starts now, walk tall,
walk tall ♪

♪ Rule number one, be bright... ♪

‐ [referee blows whistle]
SHORESY: Are you even f*cking trying?

You can try, eh.

You can try.

♪ Rule number one,
be the only thing they see... ♪

‐ Barts, if you're Native,
I'm f*ckin' Wakanda.

‐ You're a f*ckin' joke, nine.

♪ Rule number two, do all you can do ♪

[buzzer sounds]

SHORESY:
Hey, you're hammered then, eh?

Holy f*ck, we could light
your f*ckin' breath on fire.

Fight him, fight him.

Give him one. Give him one.

Give it to him.
What are you gonna do?

What are you gonna do?

Huh? What are you gonna f*cking do?

♪ I'm getting taller ♪

SHORESY: [laughs]
See, that's the worst player on our team.

You got one f*cking job.
You're f*cking awful.

Holy f*ck.

Slash me again, you little f*ck.
I'll f*ck you up.

‐ That f*ckin' ugly piece of sh*t
running around, boys,

don't f*ckin' worry about it.

♪ I got discipline appearing ♪

♪ In marshals never caught before ♪

♪ Just like a terminator
walking like a skilled boy ♪

♪ No, I couldn't stay,
I've really got to go ♪

♪ Whoa‐oh oh ♪

♪ I'm getting taller ♪

♪ I'm getting taller ♪

‐ f*ck you, Yorkie, you f*ckin' nerd.

‐ If you're Native, I'm Elizabeth Warren.

♪ I'm getting taller ♪

♪ I'm getting taller ♪

‐ [buzzer sounds]
SHORESY: You f*cking suck!

You're so f*cking bad!

‐ Boys, hey, boys. In you go.
‐ You're f*ckin' terrible.

‐ Holy f*ck, boys!

‐ Got those knee pads from your mom, bud?

‐ Khloe Kardashian at Coachella

is more of a Native than you, Boomtown.

It's f*ckin' embarrassing.

SHORESY: Hey, Scholtzy,
when's your day with the cup?

You're taking it to a f*ckin' powwow,
or what?

‐ If you're Native, I'm a Maori Tribesman.

‐ I'll f*ck you like I f*cked
a Maori tribesman!

♪ I'm getting taller ♪

♪ I'm getting taller ♪

REILLY:
Celly f*cking harder, eh, boys.

SHORESY: You're a first place club
b*ating a team

that's been together a week.

Hey, hey. Can I grab your address?

A little note in the mail

to remind you how
f*ckin' useless you are.

‐ If you're Native, I'm Genghis Khan,
you f*cking poser.

‐ Can I grab your email?
Oh, I'll just get it from your mom.

‐ Oh, you're tough?

I'm sorry, sorry I punched you
in your ugly f*ckin' face.

‐ Come on, let's get 'em riled up.

SHORESY:
Are you goin' him?

Are you going him or you going me?

It's meal time.
You ever thought about, just like, maybe

skippin' a f*cking meal or two, or... ?

Someone stole my breakfast sando,
looks like it was you.

[referee whistle blows]

Can you even f*ckin' crossover,
you big, fat f*ck?

♪ This starts now,
walk tall, walk tall ♪

♪ This starts now, walk tall,
walk tall ♪

[buzzer sounds]

‐ Sometimes you get speed‐bagged.

‐ Sometimes you get dummied.

‐ Happens in hockey.
‐ Part of the game.

‐ It's f*ckin' embarrassing.

‐ Uh, so, yeah.

You all set, good buddies?

MAN: [laughs]
Thanks, good buddy.

f*ck, are you boys hammered, eh?

‐ Oh, we're in one.

‐ We're in it to win it.

MAN: [laughs]
All right. Will talk to ya.

‐ Yeah, talk to ya.

All right, Katy, who's next?

‐ That's it.
‐ What's it?

‐ That's the end of the queue.

Forever.

‐ Oh.

Well, that was a...

That was the final cr*ck An Ag.

A lot of youse couldn't, so...

None of youse can't, so...

‐ You're hammered, bud.

‐ f*ck, that's a Texas‐sized 10‐4.

‐ Over and out.

‐ All right, and...

Cut. Wrap.

‐ Good. Good.
‐ [all clapping]

‐ Oh. Bye, gorgeous.

‐ Say bye.

Call you.
‐ Hey.

[bottles clinking]

‐ What's all the rumpus?

‐ Oh, we drank eight beers.

‐ Well, that's why I'm here.
You said you was gonna drink eight beers.

‐ Train's already left the station,
McMurray.

‐ Yeah, honestly, McMurray,
that train's two provinces away by now.

Bye, bye, train.

[bottle clinking]

‐ Where's Dary?
He'll drink eight beers with me.

‐ Dary's in Quebec.

‐ Quebec?

‐ Good fishing's in Quebec.

‐ Great fishing in Quebec.

‐ What, is there a f*ckin'
poutine festival or something?

‐ No, he went to get back Anik back.

‐ By himself?
‐ Ya heard it here first.

‐ And none of youse went with him?

‐ You can't go back to somebody
who cheated on you and get any respect.

‐ Not in a small town.

‐ Wayne.

‐ Look, if she cheats...

‐ Or he.
‐ It's over.

No exceptions.
McMURRAY: But...

Dary's your friend.

‐ Oh, yeah, Dary's a good buddy,
good buddy.

McMURRAY:
And youse let him walk into big trouble

in Little Arsheen by himself

in a room full of smoked‐meat eatin',
bagel munchin' sumbitches?

‐ Well... well, he should know better.

‐ Yeah, but when a friend asks for help,
youse help him.

[groans]

I said, "When a friend asks for help..."

‐ We're going to Quebec.
‐ [burps]

[all panting]

‐ That was some of that good f*ckin'.

‐ Mmm!
‐ Mmm‐hmm.

‐ Mmm.
‐ Mmm‐hmm!

‐ You're welcome.
‐ That is competence.

‐ That is capability.

BOTH:
That is a man.

STEWART:
I can't help you with your dealer...

currently.

I would need help.

But I've lived a lifetime of needing help.

I will ask for help no longer.

‐ What are you gonna do, Stewart?

‐ This.
ROALD: You're gonna...

Do that guy?

‐ So, W's talk, baby.

‐ I don't want that BJ.

‐ You sure?
‐ I wanna take you on a proper date.

‐ Okay.

‐ But that's not all I want.
‐ Elaborate.

‐ The Eagles are good enough
to win the league.

‐ My cousins will love that.

‐ But I wanna win the f*ckin' country.

‐ Big thinker. Is that a theme with you?

‐ I want Reilly and Jonesy.

‐ They're not Native.
‐ And Shoresy.

‐ He could be an amphibian
for all I know.

‐ I want you to run the in‐game show.

‐ [exclaims]
‐ [clears throat]

‐ I don't wanna...
I don't put out till the second date.

Come on, I want you to meet my cousins.

‐ It looked good for that takedown.

‐ I'd say that ship sailed, bud.

‐ Hey, uh, are the Irish back together?

‐ They could be.

‐ I'm working through
my kinesiology degree in the city.

‐ Are you?

‐ With a focus on massage therapy.
‐ Are you?

‐ Yeah, I need a team
for my work placement.

So, I'll ask again.

Are the Irish back together?

[indistinct chatter]

‐ Daryl.

‐ Anik.

‐ It's a nice day.
‐ Oh, yeah, yeah...

‐ Is Jean‐Claude here?
ANIK: No.

He's in the bush hunting for...

sangliers, pour des côtelettes
de sangliers.

‐ Mmm. J'aime les côtelettes
de sanglier.

‐ Where's Jean‐Carl?

‐ TD.
‐ TD bank.

‐ T. D. Toronto Dominion Bank.

[whoops]

‐ Why are you here, Daryl?

Um...

I was hoping maybe we could
go somewhere and talk privately?

‐ I just... If we could go somewhere,

just me and you, and we could...

‐ I said...

Let's let them be happy,
my friend.

‐ And what if I don't?

‐ Try it.

[door slams]

‐ Well, well, well.

Youse could cuts the tension
in here with a f*ckin' beach balls.

‐ Wayne.

‐ Yeah. You wanna try it on?

‐ No, I wasn't.

‐ What if he don't, mon frère?

‐ I, uh...

‐ Might have a beer.

[no audible dialogue]

♪ heavy metal song playing ♪