03x01 - Sled Shack

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Letterkenny". Aired: February 7, 2016 –; present.*
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Comedy series showcases the antics of the residents of Letterkenny, a small rural community in Canada.
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03x01 - Sled Shack

Post by bunniefuu »

All right. After autumn...

Ask anyone around the area
about accuracy.

Arctic activities are abundant,

astonishing, astounding and
A- on all accounts.

- Back up...
- But before beach bodies,

bros better bundle up in boots,

blankets, and balaclavas

because a bloody, bitter breeze
will blow brisk, blustery and bleak.

- Careful...
- Correct and common to cocoon

in a cap, coat and comforter,

because a cutting cold
can consume your character,

occasionally create a corpse

and continually compress your cock.

- Don't...
- Don't you dare dawdle,

dilly-dally, or d*ck around
after dark in December,

she's definitely damn drafty
if you're down a duvet.

- Easily...
- Each and every earthling's

environmentally enslaved.

- Fact...
- It's f*cking freezing.

It's friggin' frigid.
You're fit for flu in February

without fleece, flannel,
full-fledged furnace, or fire.

- Go on...
- It's g*dd*mn glacial,

go grab gloves or garb and
gear up for gusts.

- Hear ya...
- Hypothermia,

if you don't heat your home
to half hellish it's harsh.

Hibernate in a hoodie, hot chocolate,

Harry and the Hendersons.

- Infinitely icy...
- Inhabit indoors.

Isolated and insulated.

Incubate the igloo.
Illness is an issue.

Influenzas implied.
Infections imminent.

Immunity is impossible.

- Just joking...
- Ah, just joshin' jargon.

It ain't jail. Jackets in
January's no jigsaw.

- Keep calm...
- Killjoys keep comfy

in their kingdom,
crashing kilos of Kleenex,

keen for cozy kayaking with their kids

when the key is k*lling kegs
with your kin.

- Literally...
- Losers live life

locked in their layers,
lingering lazy and lifeless,

lost like legit loners,

while the leaders in
larger learning let loose.

(CHUCKLES) Muff.

Earmuffs, mittens and mucus medicine,

till mighty maniacal
Mother Nature makes

milder, mellower, and meltier moves.

Motivate your mates,
like the Moose Marc Messier.

Maybe mix a martini for your maiden,

- if you've met your match.
- Nature.

Naturally nippy, but that's
nothin' new up north.

Normal naturistic narrative.
Not national news.

- Overcast.
- Overcoats and

- overshoes, obviously.
- Polar.

Parkas and pullovers, particularily.

- Tried quail?
- A quantity of quality quilts

is quaint and
quasi-quintessential

to avoid quivering
and quash quarrelling

if quarantined to
one's quarters. Try quail.

- Reindeer.
- Well, not raw rookie.

In a rosemary-rubbed roast

with radish,
wrapped in rich, rare bacon

after removing Rudolph's red nose.

- Sleddin'
- So, we're sound.

Sled's a synonym for snowmobiles.

Snowmobile's a synonym for sled.

So, a sled is a snowmobile,
a snowmobile is a sled. Super?

- Terrific.
- Trust a traditional

turtleneck to maintain
a toasty temperature over time.

- Ugly.
- Useful.

- Vile.
- Valuable.

- Whatever.
- Whiteouts and wind chills,

walk it off, whiners.

Withdraw whimpering and
wake up, wankers.

Wrathful wicked weather.

Wear woolens or waterproof wardrobe.

Warm your wet
workwear by the woodstove.

Winter is wonderful, wild and wide.

- Exactly.
- Exceptionally.

- Yup.
- Yeah.

Zero... Degrees?

Well, sub-zero.

Aw, zip it.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

subtitle by peritta

(HARD ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Guess those idiots won't be
bothering us anymore.

How are you now?

Please don't talk to
me like a f*ckin' hick.

Not so bad.

Are you serious with
that f*ckin' turtleneck?

You lose a lot of heat in the neck.

I'm okay, if that's what you're askin'.

That's what I'm askin'.

I wasn't ready to have a kid.

Well, that is your choice to make.

You're g*dd*mn right it's my choice.

- Sure, it is.
- I'm glad I took care of it.

Well, that is your right.

You're g*dd*mn right it's my right.

I'm not even sure if it was
yours, but thank you.

Thanks for the smokes and Pepperettes.

I'll see ya when I see ya, boo...

Over and out.

(COUGHING)

You gots a cold there, Darys?

Hmm, just a cough.

Well, you knows what they says...

If you don't take care of a cold,
she'll stay for seven days.

If you take care of it,
she'll be gone in a week.

Yep. We can't promise summers
but we'll guarantees winters.

You f*ckin' serious
with that turtleneck?

Yeah, you lose a lot of
heat in the neck.

Jivin' Pete says he pulls
a pikes outta here yesterday.

Heard Jivin's been hanging out
with some degens from up country.

(DAN GRUMBLES)

He's a decent guy, but

ain't no way he pulled no
pike outta here yesterday.

Says he pulled a pikes,

a perch, a wallseyes and a trout.

Is that a brook trout?

- No, it'd be lake trout.
- Why's that?

'Cause we're on a f*ckin' lake, Dary.

I'm hungry.

There's whitefish in the cooler.

Well, how the f*ck did that get there?

I pulled outta here before
you's got here.

- No, you never.
- Did too.

- No, you never.
- Did too.

No, you never. If you did
you'd still be talking about it.

Oh yeah, well, where'd it
come from then?

Well, you brought it from home likely.

Well, there's nothin's even to
cooks it on anyways.

- You gonna let that stop you?
- What do you means?

Haven't you ever heard of sashimis?

- Sashimis?
- Oh, I got time for sashimis.

- What about sushi?
- Sushis.

Oh, I got so much time for sushis.

Yeah, we should pull it out
and hack it out and down the hatch.

Oh no, I knows what it is, I just...

I just don't think you needs to put
an "s" on the end to that word.

Hey, Dary, you ever had
sushis with shrimps?

Yeah.

You ever had sushis with unagis?

- Yeah.
- That's eels.

Oh, I know that's eels.

I just... I'm pretty sure

you don't needs an "s"
to pluralize those words.

Hey, Dary, you ever had
sashimis with salmons?

Oh, yeah. You ever had
sashimis with tunas?

Yeah. With wasabis?

Oh, yeah. Love wasabis.

I like wasabis, too.

If asks you politelys to
stop this, would you do it?

Oh, you can have yellowfin
tunas, bluefin tunas.

I think tunas make the best sashimis.

I thinks I'm having a panics att*ck.

Well, the Japanese call the
bluefin tunas maguro tunas,

those are kind of like the default
tunas that they use in sushis.

Yeah, but toro is a more expensive
tuna but it makes the best sashimis.

Oh, it's way better than salmons.

Hey!

When's... When's Katy's
gettin' back from the citys?

Oh, she'll come back when she's good
and ready. She'll figure it out.

I figure she'll be back
for sledding season.

Oh, Katy loves sleddin'

(SIGHS)

It chap your ass at all that
there's only one shack

on the shed trail through Letterkenny?

Well, it doesn't chap my ass,

but I guess there could be another
stop along the trail for a social.

Yeah, like it doesn't
chap my ass either,

but I'm just sayin' that
sleddin' and socials

go together like piss and a fart.

Yeah.

I guess there could be another
stop along the trail for a social.

Could be another stop
along the trail for a dart.

Well, it's a great spot
for a darty-party.

So, we're gonna build a new shack?

I'm surprised we're not
buildin' a new shack right now.

That's what I'm sayin'.

I figure it's about time that
we stopped talkin' about it

- and started bein' about it.
- Oh, we could just throw up

the structure and get all
the materials paid off

- sellin' two-dollar cans.
- Two-dollar socials.

Yeah, we could sell whitefish sashimis

to help expedite the process.

Oh, we could get real stinky and
sell perch and walleye sushis.

Hey!

Walleye...

Perch...

And whitefish...

Are not...

Sushi or...

Sashimi grade.

(SIGHS)

Well, yeah, I guess you'd have to do pot
to accomplish that sort of appetite.

Says you.

- Pre-game sandos?
- Check, buddy.

- Pre-game nappies?
- Check, bro.

Don Cherry's Rock 'Em
Sock 'Em for motivation?

Don Cherry's Rock 'Em Sock 'Em .

Chel Tourney for
game situation visualization?

Second Chel Tourney for
peak performance imagery.

- Pre-game dump?
- No pre-game dump.

Hmm. No pre-game cruncher.

No pre-game deucer.

Better go drop that b*mb.

Better go release the chocolate hostage.

Better bust a grumpy.

Better go call in a code brown.

- Better go boost one.
- Eat. Sleep. Boost.

- Caffeine.
- Check.

- Creatine?
- Check.

- Livin' the dream.
- Livin' the dream.

Hold my spitter.

Hold my spitter.

All right,
how're we gonna f*ck this pig?

Well, you're gonna wanna
starts with dimensions.

- What're you thinkin' there?
- -by- .

What, you wanna play
dodgeball in there, Dary?

-by- , well,
that's five me's,

five you's and five Dary's.

You wanna play three team
dodgeball in there, Dan?

Call it -by- .

You wanna play f*ckin'
dodgeball in there, Dary.

-by- .

That's four me's,
four you's and four Dary's.

You wanna play two-team dodgeball
with one sub each in there, Dan?

How about -by- ?

Well, I'd f*ck with
-by- .

No, you're not playin' no
dodgeball in no -by- s.

I never wanted to play no
dodgeball in no -by- .

Oh, I got so much time
for -by- .

-by- ,
that's three me's,

three you's and two Dary's.

- Comfortably?
- You're cozy.

Plus some wiggle room in there.

Call it -by- .

Call it a Texas size - ,
good buddy.

Show you how we're gonna
have the structure.

What we're gonna do is put
a space heater here, mini fridge here.

Gonna throw the genny right out there.

What about the sushis and sashimis?

- Hey!
- (DOOR OPENS)

Hey!

- Hey.
- How are you now?

- Good, and you?
- Not so bad.

You f*ckin' serious
with that turtleneck?

Lose a lot a heat in the neck.

You f*ckin' serious with that hair?

- Figure it out.
- You figure it out.

Where you's been?

- Modeling.
- How's that for you?

- Boring.
- Okay.

There's no money in it.

- Way she goes.
- A monkey could do it.

- Good enough.
- Missed sleddin' season, too.

I told you she'd miss sleddin' season.

I was the one who said
she'd figure it out.

- You figure it out.
- You figure it out.

Where's your shits?

About that...

These are...

My friends.

Well, what are your friends named?

Shep and Kingsley.

- Those are dude's names?
- Yeah.

They sound like dog names.

I don't like where this is goin'.

We'll be in my room.

Guys, hang up your coats.

Where's your f*ckin' shirt, Shep?

Where the f*ck is your shirt, Kingsley?

- It ripped.
- It ripped?

- Mine too.
- How?

'Cause I'm so fat.

Me too, I'm so fat.

I'm a bat fastard.

- I'm a fat podger.
- Guys...

Enough, let's go.

If I was a Dr. Seuss book
I'd be The Fat in the Hat.

If I was an arcade fighting
game I'd be Mortal Komfat.

If I was one of the
five boroughs in New York City

I'd be the Fatten Island.

If I was an Italian city-state
I'd be the Fatican.

Put a f*ckin' shirt on!

I don't know what happened
to you dusters,

but, f*ck me, do you f*ck dog!

Walkin' around poutin' like
your little sister took your last Oreo.

And not a traditional Oreo,

no, a limited edition Oreo,
or seasonal Oreo

they're gonna take off
the shelf for another year.

Hey, Barts,

did little Natiesha take
your last Halloween Oreo?

You didn't get a chance to say

goodbye to that
delicious orange frosting?

What about you, Yorkie? Huh?

Did little Tamsyn take your
last Reese's Peanut Butter Cup Oreo?

Well, it gets worse.

Those have been discontinued forever.

What about you, Scholtzy, huh?

Did little Tay 'Rhonda take your
last Ice Cream Oreo Orange Sherbet?

That is a summertime flavor.

Good luck suckin' back on
one of those in the next six months.

Fisky, I know.

You're a Birthday Cream Fudge guy.

They're all gone. What?

Little DeSondra was the culprit.

And her pal LarawnShawn

took the last Heads or
Tails Mega Stuff, too!

Hey, Boomtown.
You're an only child.

You got your NASCAR Daytona Oreos?

It's f*cking embarrassing!

Let me give you some advice, donkeys.

Take a page out of
Jonesy and Reilly's book.

My boys, I skipped
curfew call for you last night

'cause I knew you'd be doin' legs,

and I didn't want to interrupt.

We've been doin' legs two-a-days since
the first week of summer, Coach.

Blocked every wheelchair ramp
in the arena so we'd have to do stairs.

Tenacity.

You can't teach that.

You know, I never thought
those pheasants

would f*ck the dog so hard

that you two would become my studs!

- Thanks, Coach.
- Thanks, Coach.

Well, I need one win.

One W.

What are you gonna do to get me that?

- Selfish hockey.
- Selfish hockey.

That's right. Selfish hockey!

Break it down.

Skate the puck. Don't pass it.


Head man's still gonna be
there when you catch up.

Take it coast-to-coast.

sh*ts from poor angles are still sh*ts.

Buck and a half, two-minute shifts,
three minutes even.

Cruise the blue line
to catch your breath.

Bad bounce, that's a good breakaway.

- Gotta get the bounces, boys.
- Perfect.

And a retaliation penalty
never hurt anyone.

What's our mantra?

BOTH: They don't ask how,
they ask how many.

That's right.

What did I tell you about stick tape?

You don't need it!

The only people that'll be
worrying about puck handling

are Jonesy and Reilly!

Save it for them! Huh?

W!

Well, let's f*ck this pig.

Structure goes here.

Sled parking here.

Pretty good spot
for pissin' over there.

Pissin' outside's for dogs and degens.

I piss outside as much as the dog does.

Well, I'm not above it either.
I'm just sayin'.

f*ck, we could really use so
kind of bar in this town, eh?

(PHONE BUZZING)

- Katy.
- Big brother.

- How're ya now?
- Good and you?

- Not so bad.
- My friends need to borrow clothes.

Give 'em barn clothes.

I won't have barn clothes
in the house. They stink.

Guess you have to put your friends
in the f*ckin' barn then.

They don't have any clothes
of their own.

- Okay.
- They don't have any money.

- Way she goes.
- Models are always broke.

- Good enough.
- You have a baker's dozen plaid shirts.

They only need two.

Give them the hand-me-downs
I got from Dan's second cousin.

- Who, Garrett?
- No, Jarrett.

- - .
- Over and out.

These are the only ones that fit.

- 'Cause we're too podgey.
- Ugh, don't start.

If I was a major league baseball team

I'd be the L.A. Podgers.

If I was a major league baseball
pitcher I'd be Podger Clemens.

If I was a pick-up truck
I'd be a Podge Ram.

If I was a disguising
clothing pattern made for

hunting and combat
I'd be camou-podge.

No, better without the shirts.

Okay. Now, go shut
both doors and lock them.

- STEWART: Roald.
- (EXCLAIMS)

You'll need to repeat that.

- He's gone.
- He's gone?

Along with all his stuff.

Devon is gone.

- Roald.
- Dude.

Hysterics are fruitless.

(HIGH-PITCHED SQUEAL)
Stewart...

Tears are useless.

(SQUEALS) Stewart...

Pain is inevitable.

Where?

Why?

W m*therf*cking five!

I don't know.

He had everything here.

Hours upon hours
of ultra-competitive gaming

laced with hip-hop karaoke.

Add a dash of
late-night loitering

and a splash of petty vandalism.
And what have you got?

(SQUEALS) Stewart...

Utopia, Arcadia,

Kingdom come!

Devon hated petty vandalism.

He called it two-bit.

Shabby. Shoestring.

Mmm, hence the term, "petty," Roald.

Don't be redundant.

But you're right,

he did hate that.

This was his.

Verify.

Yeah.

Yes.

You got it the summer before
grade six at a Sidewalk Sale Day.

Went halfsies on it.

Veracious. And this?

- Roald, substantiate!
- Yes.

You stole it from his grandma
so you could game

Ecco the Dolphin on Sega CD
in grade three.

Irrefutable.

Well,

I guess

he didn't take all

of his stuff,

now, did he?

(GASPING)

f*ck me, that was refreshing.

Incoming!

(YELPS IN FEAR)

Stink bombs?

(SCREAMING)

Devon.

f*ck, she looks friendly
as a couch, ain't she, boys?

Went up faster than sh*t
through a goose, too.

Lickety-split.

Real nice of Tyson and
Joint Boys to help us out.

More hands make less work.

ALL: Welp...

Fire up the genny, Gary.

(ENGINE SPUTTERING)

Now test out the motion sensor, Dan.

- Boss, man...
- I appreciates this.

Aw, it's tits.

- Well, there's one step left.
- Yeah!

- Christen it?
- Should we christen it?

- Well, are we gonna christen it?
- Should we christen it?

I feel like we should be
christening it.

Well, I'm surprised we're not
christening it right now.

- Gordie Howe hat trick, ferda.
- Game puck goes to Gordie.

Yeah. I had sh*ts
on net, boys.

Ovechkin numbers.

Played no less than minutes.

Duncan Keith numbers.

But, uh, - ferda.

Ferda other team.

You know, it's sick, unreal stats.

But, uh...

Be nice to have a couple of W's, too.

Be nice to have "a" W.

Players only meeting?

Yeah. Coach is right, I mean,
no W's on the season that's just...

- f*cking embarrassing!
- Coach.

Players only meeting.

Oh. Well, that's embarrassing.

Jesus.

All right you pheasants,
what's the problem?

Spill it, pheasys.

My wife left me, you little bitch!

Feels like someone ran a coarse
glove hustle on my love muscle.

Yorkie?

Same, Barts.

Feels like someone
fork-gored my pork sword.

Scholtzy?

She's gone.

Feels like someone took
a big snackers on my little knackers.

p*ssy.

Fisky.

Out the door.

Feels like someone
slammed a super soccer kick

into my Ron-Donny long schlong.

Boomtown!

I'm an only child,

as Coach previously and
pitilessly pointed out.

I'd k*ll for a little
Natiesha, Tamsyn, Tay' Rhonda,

DeSondra, LarawnShawn, in my life.

But someone did steal my last
NASCAR Daytona Oreo!

That wasn't funny!

But, you all love your wives.

- What happened, boys?
- (DOOR OPENS)

- BOTH: Angie?
- Boys.

Unreal game.

Who wants to take me out for a sando?

I'll let you work it out.

BOTH: Angie?

That's my girl, you little bitch.

She makes me want to rub
slick on my disco stick.

Yorkie?

Correction, Barts. She's mine.

She makes me wanna go Warcraft

all over my man shaft.

Scholtzy.

Mine.

She makes me wanna take
a low fiver to my deep-V diver.

p*ssy.

Fisky?

Uh-uh. She's mine.

She makes me wanna take a
fresh fruit to my flesh flute.

Boomtown!

You all have sisters.

I hope you're kind to them.

I hope you cherish them.

This one's mine!

(GRUNTING)

This is bad, buddy.

This is really bad, buddy.

I think we've got...

BOTH: A puck bunny.

DAN: It looks darker out here
than the inside of a fuel t*nk.

Head towards the sensor light, Dan.

I don't appreciates this.

Well,

how we gonna f*ck this pig?

We find who did it.

And we b*at the sh*t out of them.
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