04x01 - Never Work a Day in Your Life

[bunniefuu]

Your gal has a cousin who's spun

and she is no longer your hun.

'Cause you had to pop 'em
and boy did you drop 'em.

Yeah, you did
what had to be done.

Came to you
after having a bar fight.

Felt like you got
hit by a car, right?

But your pal had your back,
went on the att*ck,

but it turned off his gal
like a night light.

That God-fearing sack-of-sh*t, Bradley,
came in and he f*cked up so badly,

that your brother stepped in,
which his gal calls a sin,

but, I'd do the same
f*cking gladly.

Well, you're not really
sures what went down.

But you hears
you look like a real clown.

Your pal had a scrap
like a real proper snap.

And since he's
been wearings a frown.

Katie chose me over Jonesy,

I don't like
that he's all alone-sy.

But I'm getting laid,
I don't hate that trade,

I just wish that she
had a clone-sy.

Katy Cat dumped me for Reilly.

It sucks, may put it dryly.

He's getting laid,
and I can live with that trade.

It's just kinda tough
to be smiley.

Been hoovering bombers and rips,

eating zoomers
and taking mad dips.

There's no end in sight,
but I am on an apt flight,

so f*ck off
with all your guilt-trips!

The Church said, "No more"
to my teachings.

Been filling the void
with street preachings.

I'm out in the rain,
and I haven't seen Wayne.

Us together
is not too far-reaching.

Wayne knocked out Bradley,
and I'll say,

through that bullshit,
Rosie won't stay.

It sucks for me
cause there's no guarantee

I'll see either of them
at my birthday.

It's been two months
since Rosie went packing.

And sure, your love life
has been lacking.

But a friend backs a friend,
and on that, you don't bend.

She's onwards and upwards.
Get cracking.

(UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL
ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(MUSIC INCREASES IN TEMPO)

(MUSIC INCREASES IN TEMPO)

(GLASS BREAKING)

(MUSIC STOPS)

(SNORTS)
(SPITS)

Gailer's birthday party tonight
at MoDeans II.

- MoDeans II.
- MoDeans II.

You want MoDeans tour
on over there, Wayne?

MoDeans too much choring to do.

How about a little bit
of MoDeans to-getherness?

Now no needs to fight MoDeans
tooth and nails over it.

Good thing I'm getting good at
MoDeans tootin' out the negativity.

Oh, quit MoDeans tooting
your own horn there, Wayne.

Why don't you quit being such a
MoDeans tool over there, Dary?

All right, let's put this fights
in the MoDeans tomb.

Good.

There's always MoDeans to-morrow.

Well, MoDeans to be fair.

(ALL SINGING)
♪ To be fair ♪

To be fairs, now it seems like
you're doing all this works

to distract yourself from feelings
you don't wants to be dealing with.

- Get real.
- It's a lot of work, Wayne.

Well, do what you love, and you'll
never work a day in your life.

Stormy comes out
of the barns yet?

(GROANS)

(MUSIC BOX PLAYING)

(ENGINE REVVING)

(MUSIC STOPS)

Hey, boys.

Did you miss me?

Anyone ever tell you
what an assh*le you look like?

You're a complete
f*cking flop, bud.

Pull your finger out of your
ass, you f*cking pipe fitter.

I'd rather be
watching a hobo jerk off.

I think we'd be lucky to be
watching a hobo jerk off right now.

I'd rather be watching
a paper cut in slow-mo.

I'd rather be watching a ten-man
Lemon Party on an IMAX movie screen.

Don't let Grammy
Google that one.

You know what, you'd be
my Grammy's soulmate, cupcake.

You're bum-fluff, bud.

Sing us a song or something.
Do a trick. You're f*ckin' useless.

What's your laundry-folding
channel, hun?

I bet you know exactly how many days
it is until Christmas, don't you, bud?

Wait!

What?

Go f*ck yourself,
you silly f*cking butt-crusty.

You're a Danish in a donut shop.

You're a cup of baby carrots,
you f*cking assh*le.

Where's your kitty-petting
partner there, p*ssy?

I don't even know
what your name is, bud.

My friend's name
is Jonesy and my...

Reilly, get in the house.

Well...

back to choring.

Yeah, I do's kind of wonder what
that other nutsack's beens up to.

(ZANY INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC
PLAYING)

(GRUNTING)

Who brought the rocket, boys?

Whose billet brother's
a f*cking rocket boys.

Wanna watch me
sh**t for my point, bud?

I got a stick he can handle.

No penalty for hair pulling
in this game.

I'd check you from behind.

- Let's play dirty snipe.
- Let's muck it up.

Different kind of headshots
over here, bud.

Don't need a Conky
to enter my dark room, rocket.

We love stick swinging, boys.
How about a quick poke check?

I love a good
spear in the slot room.

You like a long twig
or a short twig?

I'll show you an illegal curve.

- Lay some skin, Ron.
- Coming right up, Dax.

I miss my buddy.

- I'll be your buddy.
- I'll be your buddy.

What are we even doing here?

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

- How are you now?
- WAYNE: Good. And you?

Then tell it to your face.

Okay.

Sure is nice
to have a break from choring.

- Thanks for the help.
- If it's good for the goose, it's good for the gander.

Well, more hands make less work.

Yeah, but,
it's a lot of work, Wayne.

Do what you love and you'll
never work a day in your life.

So, Stormy wouldn't come out of the
barn this morning to eat her breakfast.

Wouldn't even touch it
till I moved inside.

(GRUNTS)

You should try to mix
some Vitamin D in there too,

because likely she hasn't been
getting enough from the sunlight.

Naturally, and what not.

Well, like that's what
I think a vet would say.

Yeah, I really do feel
like the vet might say that.

You know the only other dog
Stormy's ever taken to

is Rosie's stud Seado.

Now, he is such a good boy.

(IN PET TALK)
Oh, he's a good boy.

(IN PET TALK)
Who's a good boy?

Yes, he is such a boy.

Well, then do it for Stormy.

(IN PET TALK)
She's such a good girl.

(IN PET TALK)
Oh, what a good girl.

(IN PET TALK)
Who's a good girl?

Yeah, she is
such a little girlie.

Plus, Stormy and Seado did have the
most beautiful litter we've ever had.

(IN PET TALK)
Who's a good little puppy?

(IN PET TALK)
Who's a little puppy?

(IN PET TALK)
So little.

(IN PET TALK) Where's her belly?
That little puppy.

(IN PET TALK) Now who wants a
little itchings and a scratchings?

(IN PET TALK) You're just a little
puppy with your little belly.

(IN PET TALK)
I see you, little puppy.

(IN PET TALK) Who wants the
scratches on their bellies?

(IN PET TALK) You wants the
scratches on their bellies.

(IN PET TALK) Who likes a little itchings
and scratchings behind their ears?

So, it's settled.

I'll give Rosie a call,
tell her to bring over Seado.

Hard no. Too busy.

WAYNE: Back to choring.

ALL:
No!

Hey, buddy.

Hey, buddy.

How're you doing, buddy?

- I'm good.
- Good.

You look kind of bummed, buddy.

Yeah.

Kind of bummed, buddy?

No, I'm just a bit lonely.

But, I'm good, bro.

You know,
I'm so good, it's good.

- Yeah, totally.
- Yeah, good, dude.

(CLEARS THROAT)

You know, I'm...

I'm kinda bummed too.

Yeah?

It's just...

Katy's always making me do stuff for her,
and she's never hanging out with me.

She's really busy, helping Wayne
doing his stuff, and it's like...

(CLEARS THROAT)

I'm good though.

- Dude, I'm also so good, bro.
- I'm so good.

I'm so sick, bro!

- Bro!
- I'm super good!

- Good, bro!
- I'm so good. I am, dude.

I'm having the best time.

- Having the best time.
- Ever.

- Nothing's wrong in my life.
- Best times. You good?

(TIRES SCREECHING)

- Hey, Adam and Steve.
- (GROANS)

- Stewart!
- I always support you.

This is our place to dance.
To disco.

To get dirty.

I'm not here to dance, heathen.

Unless, well...

Unless you ask me to, Roald.

I'm here to street preach.

After the Church
of Spiritual Humanism...

Isn't it Church
of Human Spiritualism?

No, isn't it the Church
of Humanly Spiritualists?

The Church of Spiritual Humanism

formerly the Church
of Spiritual Humanism's Science.

- Totally.
- Totally.

After the Church of Spiritual
Humanism no longer required me

to serve him under their roof,

budget cuts,
you know how that goes,

I asked him to guide me
to where I was needed.

Him guided me to here.

- Rips.
- Rips?

- Ripsy do!
- Rips around a religious person?

It's weird.

Glen, this is where we do rips.

Stewart, this is where
I do Revelations.

What are you guys doing?

Like we go to the gym
and do reps?

This is the area for rips.

We just want to do reps.

But we could all do Revelations.

We don't want to do
Revelations. Just reps.

- Want rips?
- No rips. Just reps.

What about reps and Revelations?

- Just reps!
- Just reps!

We cannot do rips
and revelations.

There will be no rips
done in his presence!

However,

I can envision the scenario in which I'm doing
Revelations and you two are doing reps,

and I'm watching, and I like it.

- Just reps!
- Just reps!

- Rips.
- Reps!

- Revelations!
- Rips!

- Reps!
- Revelations!

- Rips!
- Reps!

Revelation!

Hey!

(CLAMORING)

ALL: Bonnie McMurray!

I called the cops.

Rips!
(SQUAWKING)

- Reps?
- Reps?

Revelations.

- How are you now?
- Good, and you?

Then, tell that to your face.

You know,
he's a short-haired dog.

You don't need
to brush him twice a day.

You know, you don't need to
watch me brush him twice a day.

Get a hobby. Get a kite.

You know what? Take a
f*cking break from choring.

DARY: It's a lot of work, Wayne.

Well, do what you love, and you'll
never work another day in your life.

Come on, Gus.

(IN PET TALK) He is such a good boy.
That's just what he is.

DARYL: If you never had to
work another day in your life,

what do you think
you'd be doing?

DAN: That's a very
good question, Dary.

What would you do if you never hads
to work another days in your life?

Well, pull on it, likely.

DAN: I was just thinking,

I'd have plenty of times
for batching.

DARYL: We'd have so much
time for mixing a batch.

DAN: I'd mix a hearty batch.

DARYL: If I never had to work another
day in my life, I'd be wailing on it.

DAN: Or just hammering on it.

DARYL: It'd be like I was
back in high school.

b*at my bread
like it owes me money.

DAN: I'd mix more batch
than Betty Crockers.

DARYL: Pull more horn
than a trombone player.

DAN: You know, I used to have pole
position in many a five-finger race.

DARYL: I've handled
some shower stickys.

DAN: Beats sitting around
scratching crotch all day.

DARYL: Or bust
like Humpty Dumpty.

DAN: I'd carry bigger wads
than Tony Soprano.

DARYL: You know, we've been
helping Wayne chore so much,

I can't remember the last time
I leaned into one.

DAN: Yeah.

DARYL: Say,

is there matinee game on, no?

DAN: What sport?

DARYL: I don't know.

Ball.

DAN: Yes.

Yes, I do believe there is
a game this afternoon.

You see that movie Get Out yet?

Twice. Good f*cking movie.

Did you hear they're
making a Canadian version?

- No.
- Called Get Oot.

- Happy birthday, Gail.
- Thanks, Katy Cat.

Rosie, how are you now?

- Good, and you?
- Tell that to your face.

Okay.

What's cooking, good-lookin'?

Stormy.
She won't leave the barn.

I heard. Seado hasn't
been himself either.

Dogs, am I right?
It's a lot of work.

Do what you love, and you'll
never work a day in your life.

Say, what would you do if you never
had to work a day in your life?

Read.

I think I'll go do that now.

Happy birthday, cousin.
Bye, Katy.

I'll tell you what I'd do.

sh*t of Gus 'n' Bru?

- That, and...
- No, I meant for me.

I'd diddle my skittle

- Oh?
- Till she spittles.

For f*ck's sakes.

I'd flick my bean like a
rousing game of Crokinole

for sexy results.

- I don't doubt it.
- I mean it.

You haven't seen a climax like
this since Karate Kid crane kick.

Bye, Gail.

I've wet more skin
than a public pool.

I've reached more peak
than a Sherpa.

So you sure you don't wanna come with us
to Gailer's birthday party there, big sh**t?

Too much choring to do.

Seen the vet wheel out of here.
What's the frequency there, Kenneth?

Stormy got a finger in the bum.

- Was it a...
- Two-knuckler.

- Like a horizontal knuckler?
- Hard no.

- That means that a two-knuckler...
- Can confirm.

A person has two knuckles, okay?
One, two. It's not a knuckle.

I asked.

I asked the vet if that sort of
person has two knuckles per finger.

One, two.
Okay? It's clinical.

So, I don't wanna hear
another word about it. f*ck.

DAN: Fair enough, good buddy.

That might be something.

- What?
- f*ring knuckles up animals bums all day.

- What do you mean?
- Well...

that could be a lot of work.

Do what you love and you'll
never work a day in your life.

- Wayne, how are you now?
- Good, and you?

- Then, tell...
- Tell that to your face.

Yes, Katy, it's really funny
how you keep saying that.

What's the deal with Stormy?

Physically, she's in ship-shape.

She's chiseled out of stone.

The vet says that she's the healthiest
German Shepherd she's ever seen.

- Vet like Shepherds.
- Oh, the vet love Shepherds.

Shepherds are f*cking lovable.

So then, what's the problem?

Vet says she might be depressed.

- Dogs get depressed?
- Get real!

Well, then, you and Stormy make a
fine pair of poopy pants then.

Fly a kite, Katy.

The only difference
is that Stormy can't talk.

I bet if she could talk, then
she would tell us what's wrong

so we could do something
to fix it.

You can talk.

And it would be wise
for you to use that luxury

to tell the appropriate parties what's
wrong so we can do something to fix it.

(ENGINE REVVING)

Just some food for thought
there, poopy pants.

- Hey, Seth.
- Hey, Seth!

(DOOR CLOSES)

f*ck a duck.

(GROANS)

(ZANY INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC
PLAYING)

Super.

Who brought the
f*cking rocket, boys?

Whose billet brothers
a f*cking rocket, boys?

Let's play a little
two-on-onesky.

I'll play left, he'll play
right, you fill the middle.

Ride the pine,
we'll change on-the-fly.

Let's find your neutral zones.

I'd love to back-check you, bud.

It's a butt-ending clinic
over here, boys.

You make my stick hot.
Get it?

Come penetrate the slot, mister.

- You a good D-man?
- Show you a good D.

Man.

Why don't you go ahead and
lay me some of that skin, Ron?

Coming right up, Daxie.

I miss my buddy.

- I'll be your buddy.
- I'll be your buddy.

What're we even doing here?

(DIGITAL BEEPING)

How are you now?

Hail the Lord casteth Satan

from the Dollar Storeth
parking lot!

And the Lord
showedeth Satan no mercy.

And the Lord casteth Satan
into the depths

of the bowels
of the pits of Hell.

Gentlemen.

How goeth
your Revelations, Glen?

Divine, Stewart.

- How goeth your rips?
- Celestial.

There's no place for rips
among Revelations!

- Stuart!
- Revelations haveth no place among rips!

Then I believe
we haveth our conclusion.

That we doeth.

- Battle!
- Blitzkrieg.

- Conflict.
- Crash!

- Havoc!
- Hostility!

w*r!

(GRUNTING)
w*r!

- How are you now?
- How are you now?

- Well, good, and you?
- Well, good, and you?

- Then tell that to your face.
- Then tell that to your face.

- What about Stormy?
- Not so good.

Seado's been a pile, too.

- He's such a good boy.
- Yes, he is such a boy.

You knocked out my cousin.

My loyalty to my family
will not be compromised.

Your cousin
knocked out my friends.

My loyalty to them
will not be compromised.

Good enough.
We're here for the dogs.

Okay. Pitter patter.

(PHONE RINGING)

- Bless her.
- Bradley?

I'm at my second favorite
cousin's birthday party

and I don't see my favorite
cousin or her dude, Wayne.

Where you at?

We're at Wayne's.

Put me on speaker phone.

BRADLEY: Yo, Wayne.

- Bradley.
- This ain't Biggie and Pac.

Nobody dead, nobody dying.

I knocked out Wayne's friends,
you knocked me out.

We squared off
and did it the right way.

There's gotta be a winner,
gotta to be a loser.

Yo, Wayne, I couldn't do it the night of
on account of being unconscious and sh*t.

- Good, scrap, my dude.
- Yeah, that was a pretty good scrap.

Last time I checked,
that's how sh*t gets done.

You got a problem you can't solve
with words, you throw hands.

After that, it's finished.

I got no problems
with you, Wayne.

I got no problem
with you, Bradley.

Actually, I got a lot of time
for dudes like you.

Good ol' boys are a dying breed.

Good ol' boys gotta keep the
good ol' boys that are alive.

I agree. Good ol' boys
are a dying breed.

And you're the funniest f*cking guy
I know, Bradley. I mean, seriously.

What say, you two quit being
fools this damn minute?

Ain't got no time
to waste on this planet.

That's what's up.

You know, the Little Bones game
is tied over there right now.

That's what's up.

- That's what's up.
- That's what's up.

You're damn right,
that's what's up.

Now, get your asses down to my second
favorite cousin's birthday party.

(DOG BARKING)

(UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL ROCK MUSIC
PLAYING)

(MUSIC INCREASES IN TEMPO)

Okay, everybody, and who wants
a big happy birthday together!

ALL: Happy birthday to Gail!

(CHEERING)

- Whoo!
- Yeah.

Relationships,
it's a lot of work.

Do what you love...

And you'll never
work a day in your life.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(MUSIC STOPS)