04x03 - Way To A Man's Heart

[bunniefuu]

You finished up
choring the other day.

f*cking...

Great day for hay.

Wanna know
the worst part
about doing hay,

is all the dust and debris
what gets up your beak.

(BLOWING)

Well, that's definitely
the top three worst
parts to doing hay, yeah.

f*ck sakes, Dan,
clean it up.

That's what I was
doing, Ms. Katys.

Don't blow your nose
on your sleeve.

Well, how hard actually
works if you never
blown your nose on your shirt.

KATY: Why are you
taking your boots off, Dary?

Is this the degen convention,
or what's the scoop?

Well how hard've you
actually worked

if you don't kick
your boots off
the second you're through?

Keep those flippers
away from me.

What? Don't wanna
my feet marinate
in my sweaty boots.

I suggest you don't let
that one marinate.

So you might get
toe-nail fungus.

on account of it's
so moist in there.

That'll be the last time
I hear that word
coming out of your mouth.

What, fungus?

No.
Marinate?

No.
Oh.

MEN: Moist.

Don't tell that
to the good folks
of Moist Jaw, Saskatchewan.

Or the good folks
at Mira-moisti where
they love shucking moysters.

Don't forget about
Moistness Tennessees.

The Moist-issippi's
a great river.

You've ever been to Moisti-Gras?

No, but I've been to
the rocky Moisten-range

in the United States
of Amoistica.

I will fight you.

What have got against
the Moistro Fresh Wes?

Moist Def.

Modest Moist.
The Moisty Moisty Bosstones.

Paul Moist-cartney.

That fucker wrote
Yesterday , Katy.

Gucci-Moist, Meek Moist,
Moisty Cyrus.

The Moist-Fits, Dead-Moist.

Moist-tallica's,
Moisters of Puppets.

I'll f*cking fight you.

Get 'er a sh*t of
f*ckin' Jagger-moister.

Or a Captain Moist-gan's
and Coke.

We should get her
a Moister Energy Drink ,

and then we should
all go race Moisto-cross.

Race some moister trucks.
What's the problem?

(GAGGING)

Oh, Jesus.

Watch the smokes.

There you go.
Now you're moist.

This display courtesy,
of the Three Moist- kateers.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

What are yous doing?

What are yous doing?

I asked you first.

Not drinking at : a.m.

How is that for an answer,
you f*cking degen?

Bitch.

That's Queen Bitch, Ugly.

Who comes to the bar
in their barn clothes,
you f*cking Ogre?

Yeah, tell Shrek we said hello.

And try not to
f*ck his donkey.

Cannibal's a compliment
for you.

Keep walking, Critter.
Tough talk.

She can back it up too.

Try it.

KATY: You selling
cigarettes to kids?

Can I help you?

I have a feeling
you're the ones
that are gonna need help.

Move along, Skank.

You're not from
around here, are you?

You're deaf?

Take. A. Walk.

You's are in deep sh*t.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

DAX: I'll give you
a different kind of
clap b*mb, boys.

Four pink pills
and she's gone though,
I promise.

Let's set up
in Gretz's office, boys.

Work my quiet zone.
You know what I'm saying?

Remember the Louisville
rubber shaft?

Have a Daxiville
rubber shaft.

Let's have
a Ronnybrooke.

Short side, far side,
blind side, gimme
your best sh*t.

Five holes are wide open,
boys, take it. Take it!

I can stick handle
inside a phone booth, boys.

Let's see your handles.
Show me.

I'm a late round
performer, boys.

Let's go seven.

I have to say, boys,

that is some of
the finest chirping
that I've ever received.

Ever?
And you're shrines too.

your temples, my God.
First team all-stars.

Take that to the temples,
boys, two days written
all over you.

But people aren't
supposed to
enjoy being catcalled.

Yeah, supposed to...

not enjoy being catcalled.

Yeah, hey, f*ck buddy,
if anybody knows

how hot we are,
you're looking at 'em.

There's a line-up
around the block
for this bop-bop shop.

Yeah, and nobody's
kicking this kid out of bed

for eating crackers
that's for sure.

I've yet to see one customer
not come back for seconds
at that buffet.

Yeah, I bet you thought
everybody skips
a continental breakfast.

Guess what, they don't.

Take this ride
and you're getting
right back in line, boys.

Truth is, you're
not really
our type, boys.

Bull-f*cking-sh*t.
Think we don't see you
rocking semis?

We're gay guys at the gym,
we're always rocking semis.

It's true though.
You're not our type.

What is your type then,
you f*cking liar?

BOTH: Otters.

Like the Eerie Otters?

Like the Cal State
Monterey Bay Otters?

No, otters are what
we call skinny hairy dudes.

Points for creativity, boys.

Love the hustle, boys.

so, what are we
supposed to call you then?

Our gay buddies
from the gym, or...

We took gay in the expansion
draft from you about
a hundred years back.

Butch?
Shout out to our sisters
in the women's league.

Fruit?
Fruit had a cup of coffee
in the show

a few decades back,
but never really produced
for either of us.

Bear?
You guys released
bear a while back

for under performing
and we got her
at a friendly price.

Been a real stud
for us ever since.

Cub?
Cub's been consistent since
he put her on line with Bear.

Poofter?
Still playing overseas.

Likely gonna retire there.

Nellie?
Only your grandpa
remembers that alumni.

h*m*?
h*m* maybe
in your ring of honor,

but never forget
the body checks

our g*ons threw down
to end that career.

Creed?
Creed is the best Arena
music of all time.

But still,
it's only for some.

I'm not f*cking
saying it.

BOTH: f*g.

Not sure that's PC,
but you said it.

f*g got cut in the ' s,

and may have
cleared waivers,

but we all made
a gentlemen's agreement
not to sign it

because of behavior
detrimental to the league.

Call me Dax.
Call me Ron.

f*ck, let's be buddies,
Daxi.

Let's be buds, Ronzy.
Really?

Yeah. f*ck, you guys
slam crush butts.

We slam crush box
and the world keeps on
turning, boys.

JONESY: Well, f*ck. Come over
here and lay some skin on me,
Daxi.

REILLY: Lay some skin
on me, Ronzy.

REILLY: Fist time.

(CHUCKLES)
Look.

Jonesy and I, usually just
fist each other like...

Just like that.

Yeah, I know it's that.
No, it's different,
it's supposed to...

It's like this.

Oh, okay.

I guess we better
go talk to Katy-Kat, buddy.

Time to break it
to Kitty-Kat, buddy,

but wait...

You seriously don't
wanna bang us,
you f*cking liars?

Come crash my crease,
show stopper.

Two minutes for rough
and give me ten.
I'll get rougher.

f*ck the blue line.
Nothin's offside
over here. Try it.

I'll bulge your twine.
Just try and stop me.
You're gonna love it.

Sauce me a stretch pass,
I'll sauce you a stretch ass.

Let's bury
a howitzer, boys.

Send a howi, I'll get
a stick on it.

Let's go hip to hip.

Their names are
Shyla and Shania.

The two newest strays
on the Rez.

They stole Axe
and Slash from me.

And I'm pretty sure
they're banging them,

'cause they're f*cking
banging everyone. Skanks!

They're selling
cigarettes to kids.

Yeah, well, kids are sh*t heads,
like the resilient ones.

They'd have found the darts
one way or another, f*ck.

Excuse me, but I earned
the right to sell smokes
in Letterkenny,

and I never sold to anyone
under high school age.

I f*cking checked IDs.

They called me a skank.
Game on!

I really miss
Axe and Slash.

I'm disappointed in them.

They're like
my buddies, you know.

So I find them
and b*at the sh*t
out of them?

Well, I was starting to wonder
when the next scrap was coming.

Was starting to think
it was never gonna come.

And I'm not so sures
it's b*ating the shits
out of Axe and Slash

is gonna makes them
come backs to you, Tanis.

No, no, they need
their asses kicked.

f*cking done.
Every woman knows

the way to a man's heart
ain't through his zipper.

Can confirm.

It's through his stomach.

MEN: Can confirm.

And there is
a big cookout
on the Rez today,

and I am the cookout Queen.

Everyone comes my way.

So if Axe and Slash
don't come running,
I'm a f*cking chimp.

What are you cooking?
What are you cooking?

Everything.

Bison burgers,
Walleye nuggets,
trout fillets,

Venison steaks, bannock,
fried bread...

and my famous Indian taco.

You'll have to roll me
out of there, Tanis.

Yeah, they got forklifts
on the Rez there Tanis?

Then she's bought
and paid for.

We cruise on in there,
eat like kings,

b*at the sh*t out
of those dudes,

snatch up Axe and Slash,
and away we go.

Don't say that word.
What?

Oh.
MEN: Snatch.

You're gonna bring up
all those rich meats,

and now you don't wanna
talk about snatch-erated fats?

What you never had
a Cabbage Snatch Kid growing up?

What'd you never had
a snatch-and-sniff sticker
when you were a kid?

Everyone loves
snatch-and-win bingo.

f*ck off.

How about that Robin Williams
movie, Snatch Adams?

That tugged at a few
heart-strings.

My favorite part
of the Simpsons was
the Itchy and Snatchy Show.

What, you never see
Snathural Born K*llers?

Margaret Snatcher was
the Prime Minister
of Great Britain.

Wonder if she ever met
Benedict Cumbersnatch.

He's from over there too, right?

Who wrote that song
Snatch My Bitch Up?

Definitely not Snatchbox .

Or Snatching Pumpkins.
What's the problem?

Shyla and Shania have a bunch
of guys with them so you
might wanna call in a favor.

(MUSIC ON STEREO)

I'll holler one instead. Hey!

Remember when we backed
yous up on the Rez?

Yeah, that time
we didn't have
the Native Flu?

Payback time.

Good. Because we
definitely didn't have
the Native Flu.

DARYL: Snatchurally.
Scooby snatch.
What's the problem?

To the Rez, pink dicks.

(FINGERS SNAPPING)

The hour is upon us,
Bible thumper.

How'd you know, heathen?

You don't even
wear a watch.

What happened to
he who cast
the first stone?

A broken window likely.

And hopefully no one
seriously injured.

Tell me, preacher,

if your God found himself
in a comparable
turf w*r contingency,

what would
Jesus do?

Jesus would advocate
for empathy,
acceptance and grace.

Jesus might advise you
to take a whack
at his way of life.

Very well.
What?

f*ck it.

We will sample his style,
for the day.

Oh.
Under the condition

that you sample ours.

I don't know, Stewart,
I'm hesitant.

What happened to,
"For the Spirit God gave us
does not make us timid"?

Second Timothy : .

Oh, you are
proving yourself
exalted, Roald.

Alors?

D'accord.
Allons-y.

But first,

our wardrobes
crave alteration.

You're just gonna let
this chicken
sit uncovered, or...

Put the grill up to .
You wanna turn that down
a bit, or...

DAN: Montreal steak spice
would help that Bison meat.

So you gonna sprinkle
some on there or...

Sure you wanna put those
fish and veggies on
at the same time, or...

Yous wanna stop questioning
Auntie Tanis' cooking?

Still you're gonna squirt
a little marinate on there,
or...

Don't say that word.
What, marinate?

No.
Oh.

MEN: Squirt.

What the f*ck, Tanis,
you love Wu-Tang Clan.
No love for Old Squirty Bastard.

BOTH: Squirt McGirt.

Katy, you love
Odd Future.

You got no love
for Earl Sweatsquirt?

What about Rush drummer
Neil Squirt?

Or Squirton Cummings
of The Guess Whos?

Squirtis Mayfield.
Squirt Cobain.

BOTH: Too far.
Rosie loves reading
Squirt Vonnegut literature.

Didn't you ever watch
that show when you were
a kid, Squirt and Ernie?

Katy was watching
Squirty Dancing
just yesterday.

Okay, that's a lie. I was
watching Squirty Dancing.
It's a great movie.

I think it's about time
we revisit the Squirty Harry
film series.

Didn't Kathryn Bigelow
direct that movie,
The Squirt Locker?

We squirtnear forgot about
Jamie Lee Squrtis.
f*ck!

Squirtnear.

I don't want the squirt
the issue here boys,

but I'm a real sucker
for pencil squirts.

Mini-squirts, boys.

f*ck, Tanis, you got
a half a dozen squirt steaks

on the grill right now.
What's the problem?

Really though, are you
gonna squirt a little
marinade on there, or...

f*ck sake.

Allow me to begin
my three step tutorial
on preachin'.

So here's how you start.

Step one, guilt blasting'.

Take to the pulpit,

present yourself
to the congregation

and you really
just let 'em have it.

Goes something like this.

You're all guilty.
You're all sinners.

You're all guilty of sin.
You're all guilty
of not asking for forgiveness.

Oh, I know, I know,
I know. Here we go.

We skip into doopa-doopa-doo,

acting like he isn't even there,
he doesn't even matter.

Who cares about Jesus.

'Till somethin' goes wrong.
Till you're served the lemons.

And then suddenly it's,
"Oh, Jesus, help me.
I need you now.

"I can't remember
how to make lemonade.

I need your help, Jesus.
I've been bad and I'm scared
and I'm afraid.

"Where's my Jesus?
Help me Jesus."

Kind of mean.
Enticing. Step two?

Step two. Guilt blastin'
through prayer.

Five star.

So, this one, you wanna dig
a little bit deeper,

maybe crank everything up
to a eleven. Something...

Something a little like this.
See if you can follow.

Oh, Lord,

it's us again.

Stinky little sinners.
Human sacks of garbage!

Probably already
half way to hell.

You know the drill, Lord.

When everything's going bad,
we come running. When
everything's good, poof!

We act like your grace
is our birthright.

Which it is not!

Oh, I'm sure you're tired.
Lord, you must be exhausted!

You already went ahead
and d*ed for our sins.

Then you went and brought
yourself back from the dead.

I'm tired
just thinking about it.

So you rest for a bit, Lord.
You rest.

And we, we'll just
keep doing
what we do best.

Paving our
own roads to hell.

You know the drill. Amen!

Bewitching.

Oh, what's step three?

Step three,
is the collection plate.

Wondrous.

Well, that's uh, pretty much
all sure about preachin'.

So, uh, what are
your three steps?

STEWART: Take this.
ROALD: Press play.

BOTH: And dance.

Are you meaning to do
the Bison medium well, or...

Sure you want that raw chicken
so close to the veggies, or...

BOTH GIRLS: Shut up!

TANIS: hey! Don't talk
to them like that.

Or what?
Or whatever the f*ck
I want!

We hear you like
to bark.

But do you even bite?

Maybe if you spent less
time on your backs,
yous would know.

Or maybe if you
spent less time

selling cigarettes
to kids, you'd know.

TANIS: Uh hmm.

This ain't gonna last.
Yous ain't foolin' anyone.

Yes, it will.
(STAMMERS) Yeah, it will.

Start thinking
with your big brain
not your little brain.

They don't need you, Tanis.

Nobody does.
We've got them now.

There's a bit of char
on your grill, you gonna
scrape that off, or...

You gonna bump
that heat down or...

What's that?
Is that a little
trouble in paradise?

You never complained about
Auntie Tanis's cooking.
Just sayin'.

BOTH: Enough!
You tarts can't handle

a barbeque, let alone
handle your scandal.

I can see your
clammy hands
from here.

Do not say that word.

I hate that word.

Which one?
DAN: Oh...

ALL: Clammy!

Let's just pump the brakes
and quick f*ckin' sec here
your friends in clamellia.

Let's get to
the clam-meat
and potatoes of it.

What'd, you never listen
to Clammy Davis Junior?
What's up?

Clammy Hagar's the superior
Val Halen vocalist. I don't
care what anyone else says.

Clammy Sosa use to hit
them big dingers.

What, you never listen
to Clammy Wynette?
What's the problem?

Shut up!
Nuff talkin'.

Nuff chin waggin'.

Which one of yous
called my sister
a skank?

Oh, there's not much
I can do about
this one, kiddo.

It's all right, boo.
I got her.

f*ck sake.
When's the next
scrap comin'?

Starting to think
it's never gonna
f*ckin' come, f*ck.

AXE: You gonna give
those nuggets
a flip soon, or...

Want me to do it, or...

BOTH: For f*ck sakes.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Hi, Katy.
Hi, Katy-Kat.

Pete and repeat. Ola.

So, uh, we were just,
we were just wondering...

Like we're partners.
Kind of.

Um, and we work
well really together

So like, we were
wondering if...

If I would date both
of you again.

REILLY: Actually, yes.
Yeah.

The truth is, guys,
I don't really want
to date either of you.

It's just not really
the right time.

BOTH BOYS: Oh.

And now it's just
you guys, so,

think of all the snipes.

BOTH BOYS: Hmm.
Big city slams.

BOTH: Oooh.

Wheel, snipe, celly boys.

BOTH: Dirty f*ckin' dangles,
boys!

So...

you still prefer p*ssy
over a meal made
by Auntie Tanis?

BOTH: They don't
need you, anymore.

You know what I heard.

You guys aren't the only ones
in there. Better watch out
for that yeast.

Do not say that word.

Which one, p*ssy?
No.

Oh...

ALL: Yeast!

What'd you never watch
Beauty and the Yeast
growing up?

You outta your fuckin mind.

What, you never stayed up
for the Yeaster Bunny?

Yeastern Promises,
it's a great movie.

Yeastbound and Down
is a great shows.

You look more suited
to the Witches of Yeastwick.

Or the Yeast Enders.
Done it.

Look, all we are saying

is Give Yeast a Chance.

Have you ever listened to
the Yeasty Boys?

Ain't you ever been
to Yeast Side Marios?

This isn't Yeast or Famine.

And last but not yeast...

f*ck off.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

I'm fatigued. Feeble.
Flimsy.

Same. Drained.
Dilapidated. Doddering.

I feel strangely fine.

Bombers?
Out of bombers.

Rips?

Oh, I think, Glen
has the rips.

Glen.
Yes?

Did any of those rips
survive?

Oh, sure. All of them.
I didn't touch it.

What?

But how did you...
The power of Christ
compels me, Stewart.

You're foolin' us.
No.

I tricked you.

And trickery's
not a sin.

Also, I got you to give
God a try for a day.

Didn't k*ll you, did it?
No.

As it turns out,
God is actually

pretty metal.
Well, of course he's metal.

Ain't you never heard
of P.O.D.?

We concede, Glen.
Oh.

You have
electrified us
here today.

Oh.
We agree to cut
the pie.

Divvy it up?
Yes.

We can share
the Dollar Store
parking lot.

Hurray!

But you're gonna be
on your way now.

GLEN: Woo!

I'm... I'm done
with this Indian Taco.

I'd invite yous over
but you're too busy
f*ckin' up, so...

BOTH: They don't need
you anymore.

Chicken's dry.

What?
Nothing.

No. What did you say?

Chicken's dry.
I can hardly
swallow it.

You want it
to be a bit moist.

Argh. Don't say that word.

What word?
Oh.

ALL: Moist.

What? You've never watched
Mickey and Minnie Moist

growing up? You outta
your f*ckin' mind?

Ronald Moist Donald.

Seein' my buddy Ben
on Moisture Chefs Canadas?

No. But I'm all caught up
on How to Moist a m*rder.

f*ck those Avery's really
put their foots in it now, eh?

My favorite show
is America's Moist Wanted.

You gotta respect
athleticisms,
Connor Moist-Gregor,

Conner Moist-David,
Floyd Moist-Weather.

Boy, they're all
at the top of their classes.

They're all driving
Moist-eradis, that's
all I know.

May even a Rolls Moist.
Or maybe a Moist-cedes Benz.

No Moist-subishis
eclipses in this bunch.

They're not using
Capital One Moister-Cards.

Nope. They got
Amex Black likely.

Moist money,
moist problems.
You're bum scum, bud.

Sled Ted?

Rat Ass?

Jivin' f*ckin' Pete.

They've assembled
the Degen All-Stars.

Their organization
is baffling.

The f*ck's your name
anyway, bud?

Alistair Orson Westwood Yates.
Baffling.

My name is...
Shut the f*ck up.

Let's see you back
it up now, bitch.

Tanis!

We're gonna get
our asses kicked.

KATY: Not our pig,
not our farm, boys.

Yous don't need me
anymore, remember?

I, uh, have kind of been
wondering when the next
scrap is coming. Oh, f*ck.

Wait for it.

We're so sorry, Auntie.
We wanna come back.

We miss you, Tanis.
You took care of us.

We promise, we'll never get
blinded by the p*ssy again.

We'll swear off
the p*ssy
for two weeks.

See what happened here
today, ladies.

The way to a man's heart
ain' through his zipper.

Tanis.
Hmm?

Let's have a scrap.

About f*ckin' time.
I started to think
it was never gonna come.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Hmm, this is ever good
there, Auntie.

I know.

Thanks, Tanis.

Auntie Tanis
always takes care
of her cubs, way-hey!

I was a bit worried
when we were cooking
the raw chicken

so close to the veg, but...
WAYNE: Axe!

I f*ckin' hate that word.

DARYL: What word?
Oh.

BOTH GIRLS: Veg.
Let me talk you of
the vedge, big brother.

I guess we're not gonna
vedge allegiance to
the flag then, eh?

Have a dart?
Have a Benson and Vedges.

Oh, you don't like
Peter Gabriel? That
fucker wrote Vedge-Hammer.

Stevie Nicks.
Vedge of Seventeen.

Stevie Nicks
is a f*ckin' vegendary.

Aerosmith,
Living on the Vedge.

Heath Vedger.
JONESY: Vegendary.

You didn't like Edie Vedge-Wick?
That fucker married Kevin Bacon.

No, no, no, no, no.
That was Keira Vedgewick.

Edie Vedge-Wick
was Warhol's girl.

Well, I happen to know
for a fact that Dan has

a full vedge boner
for any Vedge-wick.

Avegedly.
Vegitimately.

Vedge of Tomorrow
starring Tom Cruise
and Emily Blunt.

Amazing movie.
TANIS: Uh-huh.

Well, I don't think you're
going to get a word
in here, vegde-wish good buddy.

Prepare the Vegiment.

Take them veg or alive.

Vegiment!

Fire!

(ALL SCREAMING)

(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)