04x04 - Letterkenny Talent Show

[bunniefuu]

Your pals found a package

that belonged
to a coupla Degens
the other day.

ALL: You're wrong, you're wrong
you're wrong.
WAYNE: Hey!

Where was it?
Dollar Store parking lot.

Tell him whose it was.

Soupy Campbell's
and Spider Creemanse's.

KATY: Argh.

Well, did you open it?

Nope. Popped in right back
in the mailbox. Proper thing.

Shoulda opened it.

That just didn't feels right
on accounts that it wasn't ours.

Well, by the rules
of 'finders keepers,'
it was yours.

So you shoulda opened it.

Yeah, it was our guyses
by the rights.

I begs to differ.

Even though we founds it,
it was still technically
their guyses.

It was yours, fair and square.

With all dues respects,
Miss Katys,

it was them fellowses,
just landed in our guyses
hands brieflys.

Hmm, I'm with Katy.

It was our guyses.

And now we'll never know
what was in Soupy's
and Spider's package.

That's what I said.

Looks, I know what
you're thinking.

You're thinking,
"You guyses
let yer consciences

"get in the way
of something that was
rightfully your guyses."

And you might be right.
She's right.

Their guyses loss
is our guyses gain.

There's something
not right here.

Not pertaining
to whose package
it was, but just...

like the English language
part of it

You guys keep saying,
"Your guyses,"

and "Our guyses,"
and "Them fellowhases."

Okay, just, 'kay,
you know what, 'kay,

what say Katy and I
find a wallet.

Whose wallet is it?

Yours and Katyses.
No.

Wayneses and Katy...ses.

It's ours.
Correct.

Or Katy's and mine.

You know what, it kinda chaps
my ass more than just a wee bit

when people use big words
to sound smart.

It's far more smart
and efficient

to use small words.

Save your breath
for something more important,

like chorin' or toe curlin'.

Hmm, especially toe curlin'.

You know, I thinks I know
what you'res insinuating
at here, Wayne.

And I want you to know
I take great solstice

in working through all
the conflictions that come

from the King and Queens
language.

Shall I call you
an ambleance, Dan?

Or better yet, a whambleance?

The library has a lots
of choice literature

to help through
your confliction, Dan.

Well, the lie-berry's is full
of choice laterature.

Irregardlessly...

expresso.

Ooh, now that one's so wrong,
it might as well be right.

In any event,

the decision on
what happens
to the package,

is Darylses,
and Danses,

not mine and Katyses.

But you did
the right thing, Dan.

Well, thank you.
I appreciate yer support.

Sssss.

Hey, have you
ever seen that movie,

There's Something About Mary?

Bet you didn't know
they're making a Canadian
version. Yeah.

It's gonna be called,
There's Something About Marie.

(UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING)

Guys by applause,
who agrees with me on this.

Women are like cats.

Men are like dogs, right?

Oh, yeah, case in point.

There's your waitress,
everyone.

Meow.
(SLIGHT CLAPPING)

MAN: Yeah, Bonnie.

Don't forget the tip.

Actually, you should give her
more than just the tip,

tip her on her back
and smash her, yeah!

(MAN BANGS TABLE) Oy!

How about I tip you
on your back and smash you

with a rusty rebar,

until you apologize
to my sister,

you shitty f*ckin' citiot.

I'll smash you too
that' all I know.

Okay, what's your problem
tighty-whitey?

Jeez, it's like Mr. Clean
shopped at Baby Gap, right?

You're gonna be shopping
for a new suit at the morgue

unless you take a log
off that fire, p*ssy!

(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

Yeah, all right, settle down,
Olaf from Frozen.

You forget that shirt
in the dryer for three years

and now, it's cutting off
all the oxygen to your brain.

Settle down,
you can breathe.

Get the f*ck
of the stage.

CROWD: Yeah.

Hey, hey, okay,

here's one for ya, uh...

why did the chicken cross
the road?
Why?

To get the f*ck out
of Letterkenny.

This place f*ckin' sucks!

CROWD: Boo.

Oh, yeah. Nice. What am
I suddenly in LetterKenya?

You guys run fast.

Wow, I thought you guys
would appreciate that.

It's r*cist,
just like you.

Okay! Thanks very much,
Letterkenny.
(CROWD BOOING)

This has been
the exact opposite of fun.

Too bad the show wasn't
in Betterkenny,

'cause you guys
are the worst audience ever!

(CROWD BOOING)

No, you suck.

Here's some chicken,
funny man.

What the f*ck?

MCMURRAY: This is a real place.
You think this is easy?

Think it's so f*ckin' easy.
Why don't you
try it yourselves?

REILLY: What's up boys?

What's up, t*nk top?

Aw, looks like you guys
could use a bit of a tune-up.

Yeah, summer shape
is slip sliding away, boys.

You're letting yourselves go
a little bit, eh?

Getting ready
for the SAG awards?

Hmm, you two are going
to be the rollsiest, pollsiest,

Letterkenny Irish
ever seen boys.

Rollsiest of
the pollsiest,
ferda.

What are you
f*ckin' blind?

The f*ck are you smoking boys?

Looks like you buys
can use some cross-fit.

That's squat's up.

Wait, you d*ck farmers
work here, now?

Oh, more like
Celebrity Endorsers.

Get the Celebrity Endorphins
going.

Celebrity Enforcers.
Uppin' memberships,

droppin' shoulder dips.

Gettin' yolked boys?

REILLY:
You guys want a free trial?

We put the abs in
absolutely free.

Full body workout,
abso-glutely, bro.

Crunch and munch, boys.

Crunch then brunch, boys.

Play the cards
you're dealt.

Chuckin' tires
and muscle fires, boys.

It'a cardio day.

BOTH: f*ck cardio.

Why would we get
training from you?

You look like
our before pictures.

Squat's the matter,
are you chicken?

(BOTH SQUAWKING)

MCMURRAY: Wayne...
WAYNE AND MCMURRAY:
How'r you...

MCMURRAY: We're good, man.
Not so bad.

Look, I'm getting real sick...
MCMURRAY: One time...

You go...

Get after it.
All right. Ahem.

The lovely Mrs. McMurray and I
have been doing some very
serious thinking.

Maybe we should
try it ourselves.

Stand up comedy?

Or something similar.

Well, to be fair...

(SINGING) To be fair...

(ALL SINGING) To be fair.

To be fair, it's likely
pretty tough sledding up there,
for a stand-up comedian.

That comedian was a joke.

(LAUGHING)

Well that's a good one,
big hos.

Thank yous.
Let me put it
this way, okay,

I was this close to making
that stand-up comic

a lie-down comic.

I don't get it.

Well, I'm just saying that

I was thinking about
whoopin' his ass

and so I imagined

he would have been
lying down had I done that.

Well, see there you go,
point and proof

you're up there trying
to be funny like a nut sack,

if nobody gets your sh*t,
you're hooped like him.

So...
So can confirm it's pretty
tough sleddin' up there

for a stand-up comedian.

Ah, okay. I get it.

Could use a little work.

Point for test-driving it
though.

In any event...
In any event...

In any event, we should
host our own talent show.

That's not a bad idea.

How're we gonna get
the word out?

Ah, you can put it
on your f*ckin' Facebooks,
likely.

And whos will be preforming
at this events?

Who wouldn't,
that's the question.

The f*ck else is there
to do around here.

Jimmy Dickens should host.
So we just need judges
and a few more acts.

Well, I'll judge
and so will he.
Why?

ALL: Born to judge, bud.

All right.
There's our judges.

Now we just need
a few more acts.

Would you be needing
a joke smith for this
esteems affair?

'Cause I've always
wanted to try my hand
at stands ups comedy.

And I've often wondered
how those courageous souls
makes it work.

Salt of the earth people,
stand up comedians.

For the most part.
You're in.

That leaves you, Daryl.

Got any special talent
you'd like to share
with the class?

Oh, I don't know.

I'd be half scared
to get up there.

That means you'd
be half excited too.

Well, we could make first prize

$ bar tab at MoDean's
if that colors the water
any different for you.

He's in.

Good 'nuff.
Good 'nuff.

Good 'nuff.
Good 'nuff.

Good 'nuff.
Good 'nuff.

Good stuff.

Wayne?
Dary?

What'd you get me into?

It's time to get back
on the horse, bud.
Oh, no.

No, I took that horse out
the back side of the barn.

Put her down for good.
And for good reason.

Are you forgettin' where you
come from?

'Cause it sounds to me
like you're forgettin'
where you come from.

Are you forgettin' your roots?

Your line-dancing lineage
is legendary.

You will find
no finer liners, Dary.

Aunt Doreen made it
to sectionals.

I was not given that gift.

Aunt Doreen could
have gone to provincials.

Some say she could have
gone to regionals.

If she had lived
in the States, she would
have gone to state.

Oh, how she'd
have won state.

She'd a took state.

If it hadn't have been for...
She didn't have the...

If it weren't for the...
ALL: ...bum leg.

Buerger's disease.

Was it Buerger's?
Yes.

Buergers.

Didn't she get treated
at the Mayo Clinic?
Yes.

She got her Buerger's
treated with mayo.

Did she do that to ketchup
to the competition?

Did she ketchup?
Yes.

And despite her Buerger's,

she never beefed with anyone.

She relished a challenge.

That was a challenge
that she relished.

Mustard up the courage.

She worked her buns off.

She worked the buns
off her Buergers.

No cheesy moves.
Lettuce all be inspired by her.

She lettuce.
No hot-dogging.

Just Beurgers.

The point is,

if Aunt Doreen can do
all that with a gouty gam,

you sure as sh*t
can line dance in Letterkenny.

I guess you're right.

If Aunt Doreen can do it
with a shitty stick,

then I can probably get up
on stage at the talent show

for Aunt Doreen.
The thing is, I just

wished I had
your guyses
confidence.

Or Fred Astaire's.

-es.

Hey, guys,
I was over at Gailers.
How's Gailer?

You know, usual.
Upbeat and horny.

Who's your guys favorite
stand up comedians?

Mark Forward.

Dave Chappelle.
Steven Wright.

Why?
Who's yours?

Oh, big fella.
Hell of a storyteller.

Handsome as the day
is long. Can't remember
his name though.

Good guy?
Great guy.

I'm glad to hear
he's a good guy, at least.
Anywho...

I was wondering if I could
get your guyses opinions
on something.

Okay.
I've been working on
my stand up act.

My style's going to be
observationals comedy.

Pretty much I'm just going
to make observations about
days-to-day life.

You wants to hear one?
Sure.

All right.

Did yous ever notice

when you goes
to the gas station
and there's a line up

you always picks
which vehicles
to waits behind and,

and the other fellas whats
you didn't get behind

is always done first?

Always happens every time.

Kind of makes a fella wonder.

Don't it?

Yeah, that's
a choice observation,
Squirrely Dan.

Yeah, that happens sometimes.

All right. All right.

Let me try's another one.
Did you ever notice

you're at the grocery store
and you picks a cart what
with to do shopping with,

you always seem to grabs
the one that got
the squeaky wheel.

It almost happens
every single time,
every time.

Kind of makes a fella wonder...

don't it?
Yeah.

Yeah, I just needs to cook up
a few more of these,
and I'm in business.

Yeah, yous never know.

You're letting gravity
win these days, boys.

No more man cans.
No more puddin' pecs.

No ifs, ands or guts.

So, let's gut going.

First things first,
you're gonna
reach your arm up

as high as it will go
touch that ceiling.

Higher than Ariana Grande
doing a Mariah Carey cover.

I told you, it's cardio day.

BOTH: f*ck cardio.

g*dd*mn it.

Gotta cr*ck a snappy
for the Winstagram, buddy.

Yeah, couple of pickies
for the chickies.

JONESY: Gymstagram, bro.

REILLY: Instapicks, instachicks.

Gotta provide people
with proof you're
pressin' pounds,

otherwise
what's the point?
Am I right?

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

Welcome Letterkenny,
to the first ever
Letterkenny Talent Show.

Round of Applause.

How many people
are we looking at here?

We got little people
over here. We're looking at
, little, lotta people

lookin' away. Lookin' ,
we got little people
over here.

Doop, dee, doop, dee, dee
doop do theme song.

Let's check in with our judges
to see what they're looking for.

First up is Katy.

Hey, Jim, um...

You know, I guess I'm just
looking for something that
I've never seen before.

This is hour opportunity,
Letterkenny. Tonight it's
your stage.

Couldn't have said it
better myself, if I tried,
- - times,

how about ?
Okay, I'll take .
How about times?

Now we're looking at times.
How many times should
I have tried before I d*ed,

maybe .

Last up is Wayne.
What are you lookin to see
here, tonight, Wayne?

Don't f*ck it up, bud.
There you have it.

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

Well, it's time for
our first act of the night.

Here to perform a monologue
from her favorite movie,

Gladiator. It's Gail.

I do apologize.

This is a monologue
from Gladiator,

"XXX Glad-he-ate-her."

Lingus, you barbarian.

Let your Italian hands,

Rome all over my body.

(GRUNTS)

You're such a gifted orator.

Unsheathe your sword.

I implore you.

Spare me you d*ck-

tator.

Oh, I'm about to Climaximus.

Oh, oh, what

we do in life echoes
in eterni-tittiees.

Ah! Oh.

(SOUNDS BUZZER)

Well, that was bang on.

Even better than the movie.

Thanks.

(CLAPPING)

This one's for you, Barbara.

(PLAYING UKULELE)

(SINGING) ♫ Love is a feelin'

♫ That goes deeper with time

♫ From the first whisper
In the morning ♫

(MAN COUGHING)

Want me to start over?

(MAN IN AUDIENCE COUGHING)

Sneezus Christ,
Ebisneezer Scrooge!

What! Somebody got a life
threatening dissneeze out there!

Huh?

We finally got some class
up here after Gail's little
strip sneeze

and then now look what happens!

Look at it!

God, am I speaking
Canton-sneeze up here!

Do I need to get down
on my sneeze and beg?

Huh? You take that garbage

over-sneezeand order yourself
some Chi-sneeze cuisine,

before I go Hercu-sneeze
up your assh*le.

Carpi diem. Sneeze the day.

Yes!

It's f*ckin' embarrassing.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

GLEN: Now I know you all know
the Salty Treats.

We got together
and formed ourselves
a Christian post alt-rock

emo super band.
And we are called...

My Tattered Journal.

(SINGING)
♫ I wanna be close to Christ

♫ Why, n... why

♫ I wanna be close to Christ

♫ And why...

♫ N'why...

Is he singin'...?
Yeah.

♫ Touch me...

♫ Is it Christ?

♫ Oh why?

♫ And I will touch me...

♫ Is it Christ?

♫ Oh why? Oh, why?

♫ Oh, why, oh why?

♫ Oh, why, oh, why, oh, why? ♫

(BUZZES)

Cut.

Glen?
What?

I was just wondering,
where exactly do you want
Wayne to touch you?

Where do I wan...

Where do I want
Wayne to touch...

My spirit.

What else would I mean?

Well...
Don't answer that.

(HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

(SCREAMING)

(BUZZES)

What the actual f*ck
was that Stewart?

Scream therapy juxtaposed
against self-expression
from the streets.

You've just witnessed
the new genre of dance

that's about to slit through
the Saudi-Samoan, Estonian,
Scandinavian, Istanbullian

Sri Lankan, Swiss, Saharan,
Southern State sub underground
city streets!

It's called...

(YELLS)

...ache dancing.

And now, for our second set.

(BUZZING)

(SLEIGH BELLS JINGLING)

SANTA: Oh, you're a little
rascal, aren't you, little girl.

Oh, oh, am I in twouble Santa?

(SEXUALLY) I've been a really
good girl, this year.

(BOTH SEXUALLY GRUNTING)

SANTA: Uh, you've been
a naughty girl.
(MRS. MCMURRAY SQUEALS)

You need a bare bum
spanking like this.

MRS. MCMURRAY: No! No.
SANTA: yes, yes,

you've been naughty.
You have been so naughty.

You little (MUMBLING) thing.

...and bury my jingle balls.
(BUZZES)

What the f*ck, Wayne!

These costumes weren't cheap.

Doing you a favor before
you had to get 'em dry cleaned.

Well, we're still gonna
need 'em dry cleaned, don't
you worry. (LAUGHS)

... in a little role-playing
isn't it baby...

(BUZZING)

(UPBEAT GYM MUSIC PLAYING)

Hi, sn*pers.

Who squat, when, where,
why, snippies?

Cardio day.

BOTH: f*ck, cardio.

So you think that
we could get
some training?

Oh, for sure. The most
important thing
is to get a high angle.

It makes your eyes pop
and your eyebrow game
on point.

You ladies
know your angles?

If you don't provide people
with proof that you're pressing
pounds, what's the point?

I meant cross-fit training.
From them.

I mean, yeah, sure,
if you want to start
with beginners.

Dip your toe
in the water
before you commit?

Start soft, makes sense.

Those fellas will show
you the ropes, literally.

REILLY:
More satisfied customers, buddy.

See what happens when
we work the celebrity
endorphins, buddy?

REILLY: Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

Appies and ales,
wheelin' some tails.

You bet.
BOTH: Ninja dust.

(CROWD LAUGHING)
Oh, calm down, everybody.
Calm down.

Now did, did you ever notice...

lineups at the Dollar Store
is gettin' longer. Like, I just
stopped in there to get

a candy bar the other day.
I'm stuck waitin' three hours
behind Mrs. Henderson

buying a whole kitchen sink.

(CROWD LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)

MAN: It's true.

Kinda makes a fella wonder.

Don't it?

Did you ever notice...

overalls don't breathe
very good.

I get so hot out this summer
I'm afraid I'm gonna steam

the wrinkles
out of my ball sack.

(MAN SHOUTING)

Kinda makes a fella wonder.

I like when he does that.

Don't it?

Oh, and did yous ever notice,

Glen over here
is wearing his glasses again.

What's the matter
over there Glen?

You got poor eyesights?

Dan, I sure do.

Last winter, Gail got me Lasik,
but it didn't take, so...

I didn't say it was your fault.

I didn't ask you
for your life story, Glens.

(CROWD LAUGHING)

But it kinda makes
a fella wonder...

Don't it?

Thank you everybody
that's my time.

(CROWD CHEERING)

Judges, a few...

a few thoughts on Dan's act.
I thought it was good, good,
good, so good, we're looking

at great, so great, we're
talking about unbelievable
making me laugh. Katy?

Well, it was observational,
as billed.

Funny, 'cause it's true,
I guess.

Overall, not s'bad.

Thank you, Miss. Katys.
I appreciates your assessment.

(LAUGHING) Appreciate it.

Wayne.
Well...

Well, I liked it because

what I see, I understand.

Whereas everything else
I've seen today

I don't understand.

I guess that makes you
the fella to b*at,
Squirrely Dan.

(CROWD CHEERING)

Hot dog.

I don't know
what that means,
it's probably not this,

but this was super easy.

DAN: You do sinkers
and you tells people about it.

Have a good night.
GLEN: Yay, for Dan.

Yay for Dan.

Time for our final act
at the Met this evening.

This gentlemen comes
from a long, long line
of line dancers

and tonight he's here
to dance for you.

Let's hear it for Daryl.

(CROWD CLAPPING)

(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

( SWAMP THING PLAYING)

KATY: He's losing it.

WAYNE: All for show offs
up there. Hang on there,
good buddy.

f*ck cardio.

( SWAMP THING CONTINUES)