08x01 - Miss Fire

[bunniefuu]

Welcome back to the progrum.

Shiver me timbers, Toolesy.
We've got a ship on the horizon.

Ay-yay, Cap'n.
And not just any ship

The Canadian National Senior
Hockey Champion... ship.

Yarrr.

Provincial winners from nine
provinces and three territories

will be represented at
the tournament here in Ontario

with the Kerry County Eagles
serving as hosts.

Now, we, of course, are aware
that there are ten provinces

and three territories in Canada.

Nova Scotia will not be
represented this year

as they are serving a one year
ban from the festivities

as a result of a
drunken off-ice incident

at last year's tournament.

At an old folks home,
of all places.

And on Family Day.

Yup. The good folks of
Nova Scotia have been known

to enjoy the occasional
rum and coke.

Yeah.

Could say they brought
Captain Morgan to the ship.

Okay. Okay.

Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum,
amirite?

The story of the tournament has
really been the shutdown line

for the host
Kerry County Eagles.

A trio from Letterkenny,
Ontario.

Letterkenny?

That's what I said, Toolesy.

'Bout time something good
came out of there.

We'll now take you
live to the event

where our very own Kate Beirness
and Tessa Bonhomme

are covering the tournament
for TSN. Kate and Tessa.

Thanks very much, Jay.
We've got two here.

Where's the third?

Yeah, I wouldn't worry
about him, Kate.

He's probably stretching.

f*ck you, Jonesy.

- Who's that?
- The mic's didn't get that.

Boys, you're a perfect two
and oh throughout the tournament

so far having defeated Nunavut
and Northwest Territories.

Northwest terribles.

Your line has combined
for nine goals

allowing none making you
a combined plus 25.

What's been your focus through
these two statement games?

Yeah, Tessa, the number one rule
of playoff hockey is

don't get too high,
don't get too low.

You're making
a fool of yourself,

you f*cking labradoodle.

Yeah, it's a team game
out there.

We jumped on a train that was
already rolling down the tracks.

Uh, we're just happy to be here

and contribute and keep
the momentum going.

Jonesy, you are
such a f*cking puggle.

Well, good luck tonight
against British Columbia, boys.

Back to you, Jay and Dan.

Where's
Bobby Margarita?

Also making headlines
in the tournament

is retired NHLer Jean-Jacques
Francois Jacques-Jean.

Known by teammates
as JJ Frankie JJ.

The ex-pro leads the tournament
with a remarkable

twelve tucks
in two convincing wins

over New Brunswick
and Saskatchewan respectively.

I'm sorry, Jay,
did you say Saskatchewan?

Can confirm.

Remind me, Jay.
What's the capital of Saskatchewan?

I think I know what's coming.

*LETTERKENNY*
Season 08 Episode 01

*LETTERKENNY*
Episode Title: "Miss Fire"

Synchronized by srjanapala

- Where's Wayne?
- Went into the bush,

like a wounded dog to die.

- Whore.
- Bonnie.

That's my girl.

And Daryl though he had it bad
with Skank Sinatra.

Turns out all along
Wayne had Whorey Hart.

- Whorey Feldman.
- Whora Secord.

Whory McIlroy.

- But ladies...
- What, Dan?

You gonna just sit there
and be a half-assed friend?

Don't be a fence sitter.

Come out for it
one way or the other.

Whora Dern.

- That's my boy.
- Whordon Lightfoot.

- Whora the Explorer.
- Harrison Whored.

This is fast turning into
the Never Ending Whory.

Simmer down Benicio del Whoro.

At the risks of mansplaining
feminisms to you,

Professor Tricia always says

womens is supposed to
build each others up,

not tears each other down.

"Women are suppose to
build each other up,

"not tear each other down"
is the new

"I know you are but what am I?"

- Michael Whordan.
- Michael B. Whordon

Michael B. Whordan B. Peterson.

Hmm, nice one, Bonnie.

- You still wanna go out?
- No.

Wayne's single again.

Oh, bother.

Gotta strike while
the iron's hot, super chief.

Wheres are yous goins?

Running shoes.
Running shorts.

You crying?

Running nose.

What's Wayne doing
back there?

Grabbed some booze
and the VHS tapes

of his favorite show
and f*cked off.

That show is his happy place
right now.

What show?

Have you ever heard
of Miss Fire?

It's like Canada's MASH.

Except wayyy more h*m*.

Yeah, we weren't really allowed
to watch TV growing up

so we used to
sneak to Uncle Eddie's

and it's what he was
always watching.

Sentimental value there.

What's it about?

There's this super macho
character General Public,

and he runs an army base full of
these super effeminate soldiers.

Privates, they're called.

Private Sector is a particular

thorn in the sides
of General Publics.

General Public
and Private Sector?

Yeah, and General Public
has a secretary

- Miss Fire.
- Hence the title.

And she loves
the super girly soldiers

and she gives General Public
proper sh*t

when he flies off the handle.

He'll say stuff like,

That's it, Miss Fire,

I've about enough of those
tootie-fruities.

Yikes.

Yeah, and when he says
stuff like that

Miss Fire will come in
and she'll say,

Excuse me,

seriously please,
and thank you!

Excuse me, seriously,
please, and thank you?

Yeah. It's like,
their sitcom punchline

and the studio audience
just goes nuts for it.

Oh. Like Urkel
on Family Matters said,

"Did I do that?"

Yeah, or like Uncle Jesse
on Full House goes,

"Have mercy."

g*dd*mn it,
Miss Fire,

If I hear one more
of those fruit baskets

singing showtunes
in the shower

they're gonna find themselves

on the business end
of a steel-toed boot.

Excuse me,

seriously please,
and thank you!

g*dd*mn it,
Miss Fire.

I've got more fruit
in my platoon

than a mango chutney.

Excuse me,

seriously please,
and thank you!

Definitely a bit
before my time.

Definitely a bit before
all of our times.

But it gives him a chuckle
and he needs it right now.

That shows did not age wells.

Let's go.

All right, let's take about 20%
off there, Squirrelly Dan.

Yeah, sure, okay.
Wayne's not here

so I guess you can say that now.

I still can't believe
these white swallows

qualified to play
for the Native team

Doesn't it piss you off that
everyone and their dog

is one-eighth native
all of a sudden?

- Yo.
- Hey, Tanis.

I wasn't talking to yous.

Shoresy.

Some information
on your opponents.

Vancouver, British Columbia
is currently home

to both the richest postal code
in Canada and the poorest.

Vancouver housing prices
are the highest in Canada.

Though Nova Scotia has the most
pot consumers in Canada

at 14.8% of the population
smoking the johnny red eye,

BC is a close second

with 14.2% of the population

indulging in
the electric lettuce.

I have family
in Fort Saint James.

They're a buncha boat shoe
wearin' hemp hippies.

They're probably
over there smoking

7- paper cannons as we speak

so what say we load yours,
all right?

Skoden.

This is bullshit.

Why does Shoresy get
all the credit now, buddy?

We're the chirp kings
of this club.

I know, bro. Teamwork.

Hey, you wanna
talk about teamwork, Jonesy?

I took your mom
to Medieval Times

and me and the Green Knight took
her down after at Best Western.

f*ck you, Shoresy.

f*ck you, Reilly.
I took your mom the next weekend

and me and the Blue Knight
showed her a real sword fight.

f*ck you, Shoresy.

f*ck you, Jonesy.

Your mom got us banned
from Canada's Wonderland

for trying to give me
a tug on Top g*n.

f*ck you, Shoresy.

f*ck you, Reilly.
Took your mom the weekend before

and she asked me to
diddle her on Drop Tower.

f*ck!

Hey,
smile for the camera

you f*cking loser.

- Reilly, you ready?
- I'm ready.

Good, 'cause
you're going.

- Jonesy, you ready?
- I'm ready.

Good, 'cause
you're going.

Shoresy, You ready?

Good,
'cause you're going.

Let's get this f*cking W, boys

Hey,
this one's a video,

you piece of sh*t.

Excuse me,
General Public.

Miss Fire.

Private Sector's
requesting temporary

- relief from duty.
- Oh, what is it now?

Well, it seems that
a local theatre company

is casting for their upcoming
production of Going West,

and he'd like to audition.

Oh, I think I can hear him
practicing now

outside at ruck march.

I want to go west!

Into the sunset!

Jesus Harold Christ.

Now, you just
hold your horses

this very second,
General Public.

I can't take it
anymore.

I'm warning you.

I got enough
fruit in this platoon

to start a winery.

Excuse me,
seriously please, and thank you!

- Squirrelly D.
- Hmm, hey look, the floor.

Can I sit here?

Yeah. Who's gonna stop you?

Oh, yeah.

Guys, we gotta get him
outta there.

It's been two months

and he only comes back to chore
and run the dogs.

How we gonna f*ck this pig?

They say the grieving process
is very important,

we shouldn't rush it

Well, maybe he just needs
a little bit of encouragement.

I'll give him
some encouragement.

The most important step
in getting over heartbreak

is getting excited
to be single again.

I'll get him excited.

Maybe we should give
Rosie a calls?

Maybe give that one
a little time.

She'll be here
when she wants to.

It's just, I kinda feel
like a tit, you know,

my good buddy's down in a hole,

and I'm just sitting here.
I feel useless.

Yeah, samezies.

Remember that scene
in Homeward Bound?

When that old golden retriever
falls down that big hole?

- Oh, Dary.
- His name is Shadow.

Man, I cried two pints of tears

- to that movie back in the day.
- Samezies.

The Land Before Time
belongs in this conversation.

- You're g*dd*mn right it does.
- Fox and the hound, too

That's a f*cking masterpiece.

What did that young
American bulldog do

- Oh.
- When his buddy

was down in that big hole.

- His name was Chance.
- What did he do?

He got right down in there
with him! That's what he did!

He saw his buddy
down in that hole!

Down in the muck!

And he got right down
in there with him.

Yeah. He didn't let him
be down there by himself.

- Cold and alone.
- Oh, hell no!

He got right down
in there with him!

Let's go, Dary.

Wait. Should we get
some Puppers?

Oh, yeah. We should
definitely get some Puppers.

Welcome back
to third period action

of the National Senior
Hockey Championship.

If you're just tuning in

the hosts,
the Kerry County Eagles

with a commanding
four-nothing lead.

And Tessa,
there is a lot of chit-chat

between the whistles.

Yeah, Kate. A ton of chit-chat.

So much that it's hard to tell
if they're buddies

or if they hate each other.

My guess is the latter.

Camera dudes are set up.

- We recording?
- Affirmative.

- Monitors.
- Engaging monitors.

What is this, the f*cking
Starship Enterprise?

You ride
your f*cking long board

down here, two-three?

You got yoga pants
under your gear or what?

Looking a little wobbly
out there stripes,

these hippies giving you
a contact high?

Do you fire up some
of that Jamaican broccoli

between periods or what?

Throw on some f*cking
Bob Marley, get pumped up?

Hey, ya wanna blaze?

Hey, ya wanna blaze one?

Go bottle toke some bubble hash
ya f*cking loser.

Thirty-two, hook me up
with a quarter pound?

Hey, hook me up with a QP?

Wanna hit some resin tokes?

How 'bout some of that
pakalolo dank?

Edibles, edibles, edibles.

Edibles, edibles, edibles.

Hey, who's got
a reggae cigarette?

Hey, let's smoke a jazzy.

Hey, wanna smoke a bowl?

Hey, smoke a blunt?

Pass the Dutchy.

I got a couple pre-rolls
in my pants. Let's party!

Um,
excuse me, General Public.

- Miss Fire.
- Private Sector's here

and he would like
a word with you.

Ooh.

Christ on a cr*cker.

General Public?

What now,
Private Sector?

Well, it's just,
well, I've always wanted to sing

and well, Going West
is my very favorite musical

and well, sir,
if you just let me

sing a few bars for you,

I think you might be
convinced to...

Private Sector,
you best get packin'

before I get crackin'.

General Public,
please, just give him a chance.

Jimeny Crickets,
Miss Fire.

He's got the voice
of an angel.

Go on and show him,
Private Sector.

Go on and show him what you got.

I want to go west.

Into the sunset!

Well, what do you
think, General Public?

When did God
start making fruity angels?

Excuse me,
seriously please, and thank you!

- Yo!
- Hey, Tanis.

She's not talking to us,
buddy.

Shoresy.

Some information
on your opponents.

Newfoundlanders or "Newfies"

as they're referred to
by most Canadians,

live in the toughest climate
in Canada,

according to
Canada's climate index.

Newfies are known to refer to
themselves as Newfoundlanders

rather than Canadians
which oughtta chap your ass.

I've got cousins out there
who do that.

A small but notable percentage
of folks living in Labrador

wish to separate
from Newfoundland,

and a small but notable
percentage of Newfoundlanders

wish to separate from Canada.

Why do they
wanna separate from Canada?

They've got a f*ck load
of oil out there.

But, we love Newfies.

Not tonight you don't.

Shoresy, cannons loaded?

All right. Oh. Almost forgot.

They speak kinda funny
out there.

Kind of like their own language,

so, try and keep up, All right?
Skoden.

- Buddy?
- What's up, bro?

- I'm bummed, buddy.
- I'm super bummed, bro.

I know it was a thing
for a while there

with Quebec wanting to
separate from Canada

but Newfoundland too?

Gutted, buddy.
I almost don't wanna

chirp them too hard 'cause maybe
they'll wanna separate again.

Two of my top five
all time bloweys

came from Newfie, broads,

but if I have to listen to
you two separatist sympathizers

for one more second,
I'll sh**t myself in the face.

- Reilly, you ready?
- I'm ready.

Good, 'cause you're going.
Jonesy, you ready?

- I'm ready.
- Good, 'cause you're going.

Shoresy, you...

f*cking A.

The TSN gals want you
for a spot before warmies.

Let's get this f*cking W, boys.

What the f*ck
do you eat?

Gentlemen,
another decisive win

over a deep BC team.

What is the focus going into
the semi-final against

with the juggernaut team
from Newfoundland?

Yeah, it's a fast-paced game
out there, Kate.

- K...
- Gotta make sure

we're playing for the crest
on the front of our jerseys,

not the names on the back.

Working for our brothers
beside us on the bench.

Who is this nut sack.

Jonesy, lots of stick work
out there.

Both teams having troubles

with minor penalties,
so special teams

no doubt
will be a factor tonight

Yeah, you nailed it, Tess.

We've had a hard time
staying out of the box so far

but that's the game we play
out there, it's hard and fast.

So, feet gotta be moving,
take away their time and space

and make them
make the bad decisions

out there on the PK
and who knows

maybe pop a couple shorties.

- K...
- You will no doubt

have to face Jean-Jacques
Francois Jacques-Jean

in the final. Are the wheels
already turning for that one?

Yea we, uh, we gotta just take
it one game at a time, Kate.

Sixty hard miles ahead

before we cross that bridge
with our brothers.

Sixty hard miles
for brotherhood out there.

It's a brotherhood out there.

Goofs.

- Thank you, Reilly.
- You bet.

- Thank you, Jonesy.
- You bet.

You bet I willed
Natalie Scruter in 2010.

You know, if Wayne could
hear this, he'd spit.

You f*cking lost, forty-four?

Let 'em have it boys.

- Hey, one-four...
- B'ys.

Whudda y'at?

Some cold out here,
wha, Tommy?

Oh, but she's right pretty,
though.

Knows, Tommy. Knows.

Uh, Yorkie?

- I'm gonna...
- Look at this skeet, Teddy.

That's the broadest skeet
I ever seen'r saw.

Bit of a sook by
the looka ya, too.

Knows, Tommy. Knows.

Scholtzy.

- I'm gonna...
- You don't look just right

Native to me, b'y.
Bit mauzy on the rules

but I'm told to play
for the Native team

you gotta be right Native.

- Where ya longs to?
- Yeah, who knit ya?

Fisk.

- Shut the f*ck up...
- Please boy,

You're right crooked today,
aren't ya.

Plain he's right rotted, Tommy.

Fousty groupa CFA's, I'd say.

Right fousty groupa come
from aways

- there,
- f*cking knows, Teddy. Knows.

Boomtown.

I'm gonna b*at the sh*t outta...

Best go on in outta
that talk, b'y.

That talk'll have
all hands crooked.

You'll have all hands
right rotted

S'be careful, b'y. I'll park ya
broadside to the boards.

Teddy'll park ya rig handy.

The b'ys thought
we'd have a time, Tommy,

but here the arse has fallen
right out of her.

Just came by to say
let's get on the go, but...

Yeah, like long may your big jib
draw, and all that.

If it's all hands you want,
it's all hands you'll get.

All hands throwin'

- hands, Tommy.
- Scrap a donny or what have ya.

- Knows, Tommy. Knows.
- f*cking knows, Teddy.

Whudda'ya say we go for a pint
after the game anyway?

Fire up a scoff, I'm gutfounded.

Scoffs till we're stogged,
Teddy.

But first she's these skeets.

First she's these sooks then
we go on in out of it.

Let's have a time.

f*cking all hands.

Let's get on the go.

f*ck man, knows.

B'ys, where'd'yas go around here
anyway for a good bread dinner?

Back to f*cking Newfieland.

Oh, now, don't go
mentionin' home.

Gives me warm and tinglies
and all this.

Gives me the warmest fuzzies

do all this
talk of Newfoundland.

I'll have a tear broadside
the eye for the effort.

Parked a tear rig handy.

f*ck, Teddy, Knows.

Best we goes on outta this

- conversation, Tommy.
- B'y, she's best we get on the go.

B'y find the slot'n
stay where you're to,

till I comes where you're
at, wha.

Knows, Teddy, knows.

Let's get on the go.

Long may your
big jib draw, b'y.

Holy f*ck.

Yeah, and most people
actually don't know this

but they speak a different
language in Newfoundland.

There was no sense
chirping them

'cause they don't know English

and we don't know
how to speak, uh...

Newfish.

Thanks buddy, and we don't know
how to speak Newfish.

But we'll learn
because you know really,

all Canadians should speak
all three official languages.

For sure, bro.

That's why we focused on
the game and spanked them.

Onto the final!

Love it, boys.

Yeah, we wanna hear
all about it.

Just save it for the fire.

- How'r ya now?
- Good. - Good.

He wasn't talking to you.

- Good'n you?
- Not s'bad.

All right, boys. Spill it.

Give us the game plan
for the big final.

- Okay.
- But,

say it like
you're talking to

Kate Beirness and Tessa Bonhomme
from TSN.

You're celebrities now.

Are you seri-dog?

You're on the biggest stage in
Canadian sports, boys.

TS f*cking N.

She's seri-dog.

What's all this then?

Hang tight.

Boys, what's the focus going
into tomorrow night's bout

with the juggernaut squad
from Quebec?

- Well...
- Make sure to project.

Let's see some excitement.

Yeah. Let's hear
the passion, boys!

Okay, um...

Well, we've gotta have all
four lines bangin' out there.

We gotta do
the little things right.

Uh, make sure we're taking
short shifts,

- thirty seconds hard and off.
- That's it?

And you gotta keep
it simple out there.

Do the little things right.
Fire a few howies

around the tendies ears early
to get him rattled

and establish a net front
presence till the final horn.

Okay.
This time really go for it.

Okay, uh.

We gotta make sure
we're playing for the crest

on the front of out sweaters

and out brothers beside us
on the bench.

We're gonna go out there
and we're gonna make sure

we're bringing the ship home
with 18 of our brothers.

Battles and wars, boys.
Blood, sweat and tears.

One final tour of duty,
g*ns loaded,

in the trenches,
marching

shoulder to shoulder
with our brothers.

No good man left behind.

- For us, for each other.
- For the brotherhood.

For our country!
For Newfoundland!

- Death before surrender!
- Death before surrender!

We gonna f*ck this pig?

K.

You f*cking fruit snackers.

You f*cking tea towler.

Squirrelly, go ahead and take
a couple steps towards him

and don't be surprised
if all of a sudden

he's got some place to be.

- Who put a nickel in you?
- You're a dilly bar, bud.

- f*cking bowl filler.
- You're a f*cking day old.

You are f*cking average.

Were yous in a pretty tough

car accident at one point
or something?

You think you're playin'
for the Toronto Maple Leafs?

You're playing for the
Toronto Maple Queefs.

You're a f*cking noodle,
and you look like a goose.

- Know the TSN turning point?
- Yeah. - Yeah.

Yous are TSN
turning f*cking dumber.

You're a bunch of
f*cking mis-plays.

You're the Motrin
pain of the day

and the Pepto-Bismol
upset of the week.

- f*cking novice.
- And all this brotherhood talks

gotta stop when it's uncertain
yous don't suck each other off.

You giving his flute
a little toot?

I think he'd give
his flute a big hoot.

Big ol' mouth full
of bell end.

You are so f*cking 5'11".

You're a f*cking anchor, bud.

Get the f*ck off the property.

I think Wayne's back.

f*ck a duck.