08x06 - Holy Sheet

[bunniefuu]

You were eavesdropping
on some nutsacks

at the bar the other day...

Okay, I've got mine.

Might surprise you
but I'm going with basketball.

- Oh, Bonnie McMurray.
- Oh, Bonnie McMurray.

Wilt Chamberlain claimed
to have slept with 20,000 women.

Not a bad tally.

Not a bad tally
for one tally‐whacker.

That's a lot of driving
to the hole.

That's a lot of rim work.

Did you know
he also set the record

for 100 points in a game
wearing Chuck Taylors?

Hope he had the courtesy
to take 'em off

for his other record.

Given their height and the size
of their feet,

it's safe to assume
that basketball players

also have the biggest...

- Dicks?
- Dicks?

- Balls.
- Hey‐ooo. - Hey‐ooo.

So in conclusion, I submit,
the sport with athletes

that wheel the most broadskis
is basketball.

- Jonesy?
- Football.

Like, American football
or European football aka soccer.

- Should call it football.
- f*ck off.

Biggest teams,
so mathematically,

you gotta figure
the highest gross.

Not saying they pull
the most tens.

Yup.

Gross is the operative word
here.

Probably a lotta
fours and fives.

May the fours be with you.

Cuz some of those linemen are...

- Offensive?
- Hey‐ooo.

- Reilly.
- Baseball.

Not to be confused
with soccer‐baseball.

Yeah, that was
the dagger, buddy.

Why baseball?

Baseball players have
the longest season,

which means
they're on the road the longest

which gives them ample opportunity
to wheel the most broadskis.

Plus they use the least energy
of any sport.

Which gives them the most energy
to wheel broadskis.

I'm changing my answer.

- Can I change my answer?
- No.

That's totally cool. I get it.

You can change your answer.

Shouldn't hockey players
be the low hanging fruit?

I didn't want
to say hockey players,

because they are
the low‐hanging fruit...

f*ckin' mind reader.

Yeah, samezies, bro. I didn't want
Bonnie to be like...

Is this guy even f*cking trying?

- Why hockey players?
- Hockey players at any level

share hotel rooms on the road.

So, like it's curfew, right?

You wheeling back
before curfew just in time

to catch your defense partner
wheeling a road rocket.

What then?

Become his D‐partner.

- Stick to stick.
- Tape to tape.

Can't leave.
It's curfew.

- It's rude to stare.
- True. You couldn't like

not acknowledge it.

If you can't b*at 'em,
join 'em.

If you can't b*at it... Join in.

I'd rather jerk off.

So an opportunity
for a hockey player to wheel

very often turns
into an opportunity

for his teammate
to wheel.

With this in mind,

hockey players wheel
the most broadskis.

Did you know
that 100,000 condoms

were handed out to athletes

at the 2010 Olympics
in Vancouver?

- I did.
- No, you didn't.

- Yeah, I did.
- No, you didn't.

- Yes, I did.
- No, you didn't.

450,000 at the summer Olympics
in Rio.

The f*ck outta here.

Yeah, hockey players
definitely hold the record

in London bridging broadskis.

Just gotta respect
the Load Code.

What's the Load Code?

Oh, bother.

The Load Code of the road.

Don't get any of your brogurt
on your buddy.

- Mind your boner batter.
- Don't spray any Spunky Brewster.

- There's fines for that.
- Fines?

Same way there's fines
for stepping on the logo

on the carpet
in your dressing room.

Yeah, or letting your jersey
touch the floor.

Those are
pretty common things though.

You're saying accidentally

brogurting on your buddy
is common enough

for there to be a fines
in place for it?

Load Code.

Load Code of the road.

That's kinda hot.

Oh, Bonnie McMurray.

*SERVANT*
Season 01 Episode 07

*SERVANT*
Episode Title :"Holy Sheet"

Synchronized by srjanapala

Ellen?

Like click‐clock work.

Butt stuff?

Little dab'll do ya, eh?

Whoa, Hugh!

- Wayne.
- Noah.

Mr. Dyck.

- Daryl.
- Hello, Noah.

Daniel.

Haven't seen ye
in the age of a dog once.

My sympathies that the love tree

ye and Lovina tried to plant
together didn't take root.

She's a special gal.
I knows it now more than ever.

How is she doings?

I suppose you heard by now,

she was att*cked
at a petting zoo.

No, I had not heard that.

A giant big cock about ye.

From behind even.

Which seems she was
on the receiving end

of a good‐sized prick.

Doctor said he'd never seen
a gash quite that size.

The size of a fist.

And indeed that's all she had
to suppress the bleeding.

Can you imagine?

A fist inside your gash.

Tough week then, eh?

Oh unfortunately,
it doesn't end there.

A couple of days prior,
my two young boys caught

the prickliest
of the itchies

after playing with a pile
of pink insulation in the barn.

Would you believe on the same day,
my daughter fell into the manure pile.

I had two in the pink
and one in the stink.

What brings you by, Noah?

Wayne, your community
has always used us right

and hopefully you feel as though our
community has used you right as well.

Yup.

I need your help
at the Dyck farm once.

Put it this way.
It's work only men can do.

My two young boys
aren't quite up to the task yet.

Well, we got six strong hands.
We can help.

I am blessed this day.

For the Lord hath giveth on to me
three able men

willing to help me
with a hand job.

What type of job is this exactly?

Men banging.

Men pounding.

Best I show you once.

I feel like we got
our own work to do.

- We'll be there, Noah.
- Thanks unto ye, Wayne.

Oh, bring your tools!

By the way,

my children have recently taken
to digging for buried treasures

in the corn fields.

Their imaginations
hath no bounds at this age.

And I've instructed them to halt.

Please, neighbors,
let me know

should you see my children
corn holing in the field.

Who is that snack?

That's Katy's.

- All yours.
- Atta babe.

Coach.

What's that?

Yeah, my therapist said I should

get out of the house more,
you know,

be around other people

instead of just staying
in my home, by myself

thinking about
my dead wife Barb.

My therapist thinks I'm obsessive.

Sure wish this stool had
some lumbarb support.

- Sup.
- Sup.

- I asked you first.
- I recall.

I don't know who you are.

I happen to have
that information.

- Got a smoke?
- I do.

Hmmm, smoking's gross.

This chit-chat is really
kind of all over the place.

You waiting on somebody?

Katy.

Gailer.

- Sup.
- Sup.

Wanna get hammered?

So, what do you think? We head
over there a half hour, 45 minutes?

You know, we got
our own chorin' to do, so.

Well, you better settle down over there,
or I'm gonna come talk to ya.

You were half rudes to Noah earlier.

- I wasn't half rude.
- Were too half rude.

If you were a 2010 Rhianna
smash hit, you'd be Rude Boys.

I wasn't half rude.

If you were one of Santa's
reindeers, you'd be Rudolph.

I wasn't half rude!

If you were an adorable child from an
'80s sitcom, you'd be Rudy Huxtables.

I was an eighth rude.
Not half.

- Hey, who wrote techno hit Sandstorm?
- Darude?

- He was expose'ta answer that.
- Oh, sorry.

I'll give you a quarter rude,
but then, I'm maxxed out.

If you were a former New York
city mayor, you would be...

Rudy Giuliani?

No. Bill de Blasio.

Who was notorious for being quite rude.

Fine. I was A&W Rude-beer.

But I've heard some talk
about Nappers,

and it might have something
to do with what Noah wants

is all I'm saying.

What were you told?

- You won't like it.
- f*ck's sake, Dary,

you baited the hook and we bit.
Reel us in.

What was you told?

I heard schmellies
are trying to mix up

- the blood lines a wee bit.
- Why?

Probably on account of generation
after generation of inbreedings.

So, the fathers
go out to other dudes

who are outside the family and get them
to come over to their place and...

f*ck their daughters.

How'd you stay out of special ed

running with an old wives' tale

- It's not an old wives' tale.
- Like that? Yes, it is.

That is straight up life skills.

- Yes, it is.
- It happened to Dickskin.

- No, it never.
- Yes, it did.

- No, it never.
- Yes, it did.

Okay, Dary. Dary, okay.

I'm gonna call
Jim Dickins right now.

If I find out
you're spinning a f*cking yarn,

you'll find me
in a real bad mood.

Jimmy Dickins. How're ya now?

Good'n you?

Not s'bad.

Listen, I got some
kind of weird to asks,

so what I'm gonna do is just come
right out and ask to you now.

Your terms are acceptable.

Goodness,
I don't even think I can.

Jim, did some Napper come up to you and
ask you to fucks his daughter?

A Dickins never airs
his dirty laundry.

Sorry, good buddy.

That's okay, good buddy.

But no such thing
happened to me.

- Sorry, good buddy.
- That's okay, good buddy.

Though there has been talk

of such things
in auctioneer circles.

What weres you told?

I'm told livestock aren't
the only thing

schmellies go scoutin'
for in farmer's markets.

- And then?
- There's an auctioneer

out Brussels way
about my size...

- Is he really?
- Said he was told

by an auctioneer
out Hanover way,

also about my size.

- f*ckin' Dutchmen.
- That his cousint,

a significantly
shorter auctioneer...

Swissman, likeleh.

Was offered $500 by a schmelly
at a farmer's market

to lay with his daughter.

In the biblical sense.

Five hundred dollars'
nothing to sneer at.

I'm surprised he get $500
from a Napper.

I was kinda thinking
two bills, maybe 250 tops.

I'm told a hole is cut
into a sheet.

The schmelly daughter
on one side,

the stud on the other.

The stud then threads his penis
through the hole

and penetrates
the awaiting schmelly.

f*ckin' how 'bout it.

Why the sheet?

I'm told schmellies remove
all physical and visual contact,

aside from penile-vagile,
of course,

to keep the sex limited
to pro-creation purposes,

and deter it from becoming
"a little more English," as they call it.

Makes sense, I suppose.

Hence the expression,

"put a little English on 'er."

Well, that's some fun trivia.

Hey Jim, did your auctioneer buddy's
auctioneer buddy's

- auctioneer cousint, uh...
- Did he get in there?

Well, Dary,

you're no auctioneer if you hear
500 dollars and don't see 525.

And once you've seen 525,
well, you damn well better see 530,

and if you've already seen 530,
you know you're gonna see 535.

- Thanks, Jim.
- Sold.

Jeez, Ellen.

Little dab'll do ya.

Well, let's say it's true.

Dickins' auctioneer buddy's
auctioneer buddy's

auctioneer cousint
was approached by a Napper

at a farmer's market
offering him

$500 to procreate
with his daughter.

Five hundred dollars' better
than a kick in the pants.

You're lucky you get 500 dollars
from a Napper.

Yeah, see, I was thinking two
bills, 250 tops. But, Dary...

What

makes you think

- all Nappers do this?
- Objections!

Dan.

Dary is just trying to establish
a history and pattern

of the behavior.

He's not trying to suggest
that all Nappers do it.

He's merely suggesting
that maybe this Nappers does.

- And is.
- Withdrawn or rephrased.

Dary...

What...

What compels you

to think...

that that is what...

Noah Dicks was talking about today?

Well, he said the job was men banging
and pounding.

Let the record show
Noah Dicks said many things today

that could be misleading.

I'll allows it.

Then he said it was a job
that only men can do

and then, he winked at me.

- Yeah, but to be fair...
- To be fair!

- To be fair.
- To be fair!

A wink can mean many things.

Yeah, but the Dickins said they do it
through a hole in a sheet!

Inadmissibles!

Hearsay.

Well, he just said he heard it,
so, yeah.

Dan, whose side are you on?

In closing...

Dary,

would you or would you not

agree with the statement,

"f*ck, they can run."

- I guess so.
- Dary, it's a yes or no question.

- Yes.
- f*ck, can they run.

Every single one of 'em can run.

Nothing further.

I'll be briefs.

Now, Daryl,

we all know you're a good guy.

Objection! Where's he
going with this?

I'm just saying he's a good guy.

Hmph.

He's a pretty good guy.

You're a good guy.

In your opinions,
what's the percent chance

that Noah would wants one, somes or all us

to procreate with his daughters?

Oh.

I'll say she's 50-50.

Now,

what if it was with his sisters?

- Lovina Dyck?
- Objection. Irrelevant.

May I approach?

I'll allow it.

I just always kinda thought
that Dary was maybe Daryl

more Lovina's type than me

and uh, given the circumstances,

I figured I'll takes
the opportunity to ask him

rather than stews on it
any longer.

We're going to the Dyck farm.

You wanna look at a menu, chief?

No, I'm trying to cut back
on my barbohydrates.

I'm on this new rhubarb diet.

Is there a barbage back there?

- Pretty kitty.
- Another round, please and thank you.

Couple Puppers,
couple Gus'n Bru?

Still got it you old goat.

Great tits, eh?

- Yours?
- I know they're great.

No confirmation required.

Then...

I'm like f*ckin' Gretzky
in here.

- I know where everybody is.
- Gotcha.

And you're talking
to a fellow window shopper.

It's not a crime.
I do it all the time.

- Bit of look, don't touch?
- Cheap thrills.

- Never hurt nobody.
- Bing bang boom.

You are very cool.
Very cool, very nice.

Yeah?

What are you gonna do about it?

Gentlemen, thank you
for joining us

for an afternoon hand job.

Lovinas.

- Do we smoke out here?
- Anita, how're ya now?

It's been quite a week,
as I'm sure you've heard.

May I show you
my sister-in-law's gash?

Oh.
W-We heard.

I'd givens you a calls, but uh,

well, yous don't have phones, so.

It's not our only ailment
this week, unfortunately.

Just yesterday I cut my finger
chopping wood.

I continued to work of course,
while occasionally licking it occasionally

to keep the blood from getting on my dress
but, the long and short,

I spent the whole afternoon
licking my own axe wound.

Did the children not offer aid?

Oh, I had sent them into the house
to get out of the sun

and I'm glad for it.
Children do worry.

You're right. The last thing I want is
for the children to look out in the yard

and see their mother
licking her own axe wound.

Hmph.

Lovina's made lemonade.

And I implore you to hydrate once.

After all, you'll be
hammering box all afternoon.

Hammering box?

My feed boxes were destroyed
in the windstorm Wednesday last.

With another one on the way,

time is of the essence
and we must rebuild at once.

My boxes?

One of those boxes

was constructed by me,
Noah Dyck.

Forgive me mine wife.

And I want to know

which one of you
is going to pound my box?

Thank you.

Thank you.

I screwed that box
for hours yesterday.

My Dyck doesn't have the stamina
he once did once,

so we are grateful
for your help once.

Incidentally Anita Dyck,

did the boys finish
with the three loads of hay?

They finished one.

I did the other two.

For shame.

Imagine, my sons left two loads
on their mother.

Oh, it doesn't end there.

Jedidiah took quite a tantrum
this morning

when I tasked him
with garden works.

So I told him to gather up
the garden tools

and go into the shed,

where, unfortunately,
the tantrum continued.

He spent a half hour in there
smashing hoes.

Gentlemen, please enjoy
the afternoon's hand job.

You should know, there's a prize
on this day for the man

who uses his tool the best!

What kind of a prize?

Hint.

What's moist and warm

and close to heaven
in earthly form?

Objection.

Ah, Daryl. Be a lamb
and helps push these closer to us?

Can do.

I always use a small pillow
to protect my knees.

Would you like one?

Uh, no. I think
I'm all right, okay.

Really?

You wouldn't like a little cushion
for the pushin'?

Hey, be careful
with your hammers, yous two.

Nobody came here
for a finger bang.

Ah, did you hear that?
It's Donald the Donkey.

Biggest ass you've ever seen.

This donkey
is so tall and fabulous,

just this summer, that my boys
finally managed to mount him.

Took him nine years
to go up the ass.

Did you know that donkey
is considered to be a delicacy

in some parts of the world?

I was in Central America at a
church supper, and was offered it.

While I hesitated at first,
would you believe I love eating ass?

I would eat ass all day,
every day if I could.

Hey, Noah, you workin' hard
or hardly workin'?

It has been said that I have
fitter skills for yammering

than hammering.

But see as we're yammering...

Daniel, any genetic
health issues in your family?

Well, my second cousints
got an allergies to pollen there, so...

- Who? Garrett?
- No. Jarrett.

Why?

It's just in the Mennonite community

sometimes we're born
with vision and hearing problems.

Generation
after generation of systematic inbreeding.

Do what you've always done

and I'll suppose you'll get
what you've always got!

Daryl, how often do you partake
of the devil's nectar?

I suppose I could
drink a little less.

Better than the devils danders.

Oh yeah, the lesser of two evils really.

Uh, the lesser of two evils
is still an evil, I'm afraid.

In the English world, you believe
in post-secondary education

I assume yous all attended once?

Say Wayne, do you belong to a gymnasium
or just have good genes once?

Yeah well, good jeans means...
no belt, so.

- So great genes.
- Yeah.

Winner of
the No-Belt Peace Prize.

- Too much fun.
- Yeah.

Hey, why do you ask Noah?

No reason, I suppose.

Just a few men hard working men
sh**ting the proverbial feces.

- Noah!
- Mine wife!

A prize at the end?

"Heaven in earthly form"?

Holy sheet.

Hole-y sheet.

Going on a lot,
it is a little bit weird.

There's no doubt about it, but I'm just
not convinced he wants us for like,

with his daughters.

Why is he asking
all the questions, then?

I feel he's trying to establish
a genetic pecking order.

That be a good name for a bands.

What's that?

Genetics Pecking Orders.

Like hey, you wanna head over
to MoDeans to checks out the GPOs?

I think three-word band names
often sound like emo band names.

I'm gonna fake sick
and make a break for it.

Daryl! Be a lamb and come help my wife
with a couple of loads?

Now his wife is in on it, too?

Ah, why me?

Well, because like my husband,
you seem to have more of a skill

for yammering than hammering!

- What fun!
- Hammering... He can't... He's just terrible with the...

Gail?

On the other hand,
I'll have the barbecue chicken.

You ever heard the expression,

"everyone's always f*ckin'
somebody else?"

- I have.
- Words to live by.

- I agree.
- You f*ckin' somebody else?

I am.

- You are?
- I was.

Okay.

You haven't asked me
if I'm comin' or goin'.

- This is true.
- So I'll ask you.

- Like, what we're doing?
- I'm starting to give a sh*t.

Very cool. Very nice.

Do you give a sh*t?

I think I do.

If you give a sh*t, then you'll have
to be a master of one.

No more jack of all.
That's the rule.

- Cool?
- Cool.

- Very cool.
- Very nice.

And no pressure either way.

If it's not me...

Tits is right over there.

Tits is everywhere.

Gotcha.

If you say you're in, you're in.

But if you say you're in
and you're not...

You'll have every dude
in Letterkenny

lined up
around the block for ya.

So you comin' or are you goin'?

It's impossible to avoid
the sexual innuendo on deck here.

People love sexual innuendo.

I'm coming.

Here we go now.

Very smooth.
Very smooth, very subtle.

Never had a Gus'n Bru?
It's like the best option in the bar.

In any barb.

Or mini-barbs.

It's better than barbiturates.

Barb.

Is he gonna be okay?

- No.
- Okay.

We need to get this out
on the line.

Nobody likes a wrinkly Dyck.

So I'm told.

Are Charity and Chastity in there?

What is your interest
in my daughters once?

Nothing. I just...

Make... It's a conversation.

You know Daryl, we Snatches
tend to be quite closed.

Snatch

is my maiden name.

Anita Snatch?

My father Seymour...

Seymour Snatch?

And my mother Aida.

Aida Snatch?

Believed that children
should be seen and not heard.

Now, I'm a bit more liberal myself.

I believe that children
should be encouraged to experiment

with being a grown-up

under the watchful eye
of their parents.

And, of course, the Lord.

That way,
we can step in and help.

Even participate if need be.

Show them how it's done.

They're preparing the prize
for the winner.

Girls, it's almost time
to stick it in!

Now, let's see if you can manage
a big load, hmph?

Tightest box
you've screwed today, Wayne?

Little dab will do ya?

Tell her that.

Hey!

Boughts lunch?

You could come inside
or eat out.

Thank you, gentlemen.

I must say you pounded

an impressive amount
of boxes today.

You must be tired.

- Dary?
- But, Daryl,

Anita and I have decided

that your tool was
the most polished on this day.

Which means
you've won the prize, once!

Oh, bother.

The sweetest prize
a man could ever enjoy.

Close your eyes.

Good buddies?

Girls, come on out.

Take your tops off and present.

Hole-y sheet.

Daryl, Are you ready
for moist and warm

and heaven in earthly form?

Open your eyes!

Surprise!

Wait a moment.

Were you expecting
something else?

- No.
- Yes you were.

And I know exactly what.

Do ya?

What kind of people
do you think we are?

Hpmh?

You thought...

No, no, sorry.
It's just...

My auctioneer's friend's
auctioneer's cousint

- said that we...
- Hush, puppies!

You thought that we would try
to pay you

for helping us today,
hmph?

You thought you'd close
your eyes and feel a big fat wad

slide across your palm, hpmh?

And you were worried
about how to say no.

Because of the old adage,

"a favor for me,
turns you into a dunce..."

- "..when you bring up the subject
- "..when you bring up the subject

- of money once."
- of money once."

Yeah, I feel silleh.

Daryl,

does my daughters'
warm sticky pie

not appeal to you?

Yeah, no, it does.

Well then let us
enjoy them on this day,

as a community
with our mouths.

Daniel, would you like to walk?

Little dab'll do ya.

Ah, don't leave yet!
I'm no good at good pies!

What's the plan,
handsome man?

I'll probably
just head back to suburbs.

You know,
maybe lift some barbells.

I've bombarbed you guys
enough.

Lil dance
before you skedaddle?

You're gonna have to crow-barb
me off this chair

I've had a couple of
hard-barbs.

Jesus.

Come on you ol' souse.