09x01 - American Buck and Doe

[bunniefuu]

KATY: ♪ Boy, don't say you're sorry,
my life's a safari ♪

♪ I'm drinkin' Campari,
I'm playin Atari ♪

♪ I'm over you fast as
a f*ckin' Ferrari, yup ♪

♪ You stepped out so fast,
my crew then amassed ♪

♪ Put your ass on blast ♪

♪ Your arm in a cast ♪

♪ And I put you
right in the past ♪

♪ I pass you so fast,
outcast you at last ♪

♪ Hold steady, holdfast,
your sh*t's been recast ♪

♪ You f*ckin' disaster,
I'm enthusiastic ♪

♪ And that's the forecast ♪

♪ But who asked you? ♪

♪ I'm like a Targaryen
spittin' straight up Valyrian ♪

♪ Out here not care-e-in',
out here Don Cherry'n ♪

♪ You're arbitrary'n,
You out there ferry'n ♪

♪ Out there miscarry'n
Pam and Rosemary'n ♪

♪ I'm a wild cherry,
you're a huckleberry ♪

♪ Yeah, I'm Bloody Mary,
you are Tom and Jerry ♪

♪ I am legendary,
no one's secondary ♪

♪ You're unnecessary ♪

♪ You are Moe, Curly and Larry ♪

♪ How's this for an obituary? ♪

♪ I told you it's simple you're
in or you're out of it muffin ♪

♪ Did you think I was lyin'
or fakin' or phony or bluffin'? ♪

♪ Why try with a guy,
please ask why ♪

♪ His d*ck is always
pointing towards the sky ♪

♪ That sh*t makes me bone dry ♪

♪ And I'll lop your
d*ck off like a samurai ♪

♪ I know all the signs and
the signals I know the tells ♪

♪ 'Cause everybody's
always f*ckin' somebody else ♪

♪ You eye up every
single girl in the bar ♪

♪ While I'm out for a piss ♪

♪ No real man does this ♪

♪ Yo, here's a hot take ♪

♪ I might f*ck Bieber,
I might f*ck Drake ♪

♪ But your time is done,
it was fun ♪

♪ It's the end of the run hun,
I'll stick to my g*ns ♪

♪ I'ma stun 'cause
you ain't the only one ♪

♪ I'll close this
book with a hook ♪

♪ And I'll seal with a kiss ♪

♪ Only real men get this ♪

(Theme music playing)

(Music distorts and slows)

ROALD: Rocket Man was
the wrong nickname to give him.

Rocket Man would
empower a dude like that.

Yous can call me Rocket Man.

DARYL: We already
call you a piece of sh*t.

MRS. McMURRAY: You're my rocket,
baby.

I wanna rock it all night long.

You're a rocket, man.

No, you're a rocket, man.

DAN: Cool it.

ROALD: If you really
want to irritate him,

you have to say his name
like you're achieving orgasm.

STEWART: Hard-corgasm.

ROALD: (Moaning) Like,
Kim Jong-uh.

STEWART: (Moaning) Kim Jong-uh.

Yeah, but that's not how you
pronounce his name, though.

It's not Kim Jong-un.
It's Kim Jong-une.

STEWART: Kim Jong-ewn.

ROALD: Kim Jong-ew.

WAYNE: Isn't it
pronounced Kim Jong-on?

- Kim Jong... - Kim Jong...

(All saying "Kim Jong")

WAYNE: Yeah, like, Kim Jong-on.

(All moaning "Kim Jong-un")

(Continuing moaning
"Kim Jong-un")

(Clapping)

Which one of yous b*at the
sh*t out of my cousint' Dierks?

ALL: That'd be me.

(Scoffing) That's how they
do it in Canada then, eh?

Eight dudes on one?

Don't tempt me with a good time.

Today we did.

All's fair in love and w*r.

WAYNE: Well, to be fair...

(All mocking) To be fair.

Now, like, to be fair,
if there were other dudes there

we would've b*at the sh*t out of them too,
so.

The other dudes are here now.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

So,
those guys are the other dudes?

Yeah.

- Oh f*ck, eh. - Yeah.

- This is bad then.
- It's real bad.

We're in trouble then?

Yeah, you're in big trouble.

- Oh, sh*t. - Oh sh*t is right.

So,
this is what it all comes down to then?

It all comes down to this,
amigo.

- This is the dagger.
- It's the final dagger.

Oh, f*ck.

Uh... Exactly.

We're in for it now.

Oh, you have no idea, bro.

(Exhaling) Let's do this!

- Oh no. - Oh yes.

Well,
maybe we should start runnin'.

Oh,
maybe you should do somethin'.

'Cause we're gonna get it!

You're gonna get it alright.

This is terrible.

- It's worse than terrible.
- I can't believe it.

- You better believe it.
- This is happening.

Right here. Right now. Come on!

We've never really had
it handed to us before,

but I think this mights be it.

Trust me bro. This is it.

- So, this is the one?
- Yes, it's the big one.

- Time's up then.
- Time's up alright.

Well,
just give us a f*cking minute would you?

No, no. No way.

- Come on. Please?
- Not a chance.

Please!

Nah, forget about it.

This is how the cookie crumbles?

Chips Ahoy, bitch. (Laughing)

This is how it all shakes down.

Yeah,
shake it. Shake it out, baby!

We're really nots
prepared for this.

Well,
you shoulda thought of that

before you came
stateside fightin' dirty.

Oh, have a heart.

You've come to the wrong place for that,
fella.

You know what? If the
shoe was on the other foot,

we'd let yous get
your affairs sorted first.

Well it isn't.

If I was you,
I'd be a lot f*cking kinder about it.

Well, guess what,
bro? Look at this right here.

You're not me.

Show mercy!

(Scoffing) Uh-uh.

Too late to cry uncle?

It's way too... much too late.

Made our beds.
We gotta lie in 'em.

Just enough talking!

- That's it? - Yeah, that's it.

Well,
whys do you gets to decide that?

'Cause I'm in charge.

So, yeah, you're in charge?

Yeah, large and in charge.

- You're the boss.
- The big boss man.

Tony Danza.

I don't want to go
through this again.

Well, you're the boss though.

- I know I'm the boss!
- So you can end it.

- I'm ending it!
- That's it, then. It's over.

- God damn right it's over.
- This is the end.

Just like Jim Morrison says
in the song with the... f*ck!

- No more talkin'!
- Well, I'm a bit scared.

Well, you should be!

Just 'cause I never fought
a balloon animal before.

- (All laughing) - Huh?

He said you look like a
f*ckin' balloon animal.

You look f*ckin' ridiculous!

What?

REILLY: Yeah, congratulations,
bud. You know how to use a needle.

You're a f*ckin' nurse, bud.

You look like a guy who puts
his head through walls at parties.

Like, beside yourself,
you think anyone's proud of you?

You like tits so much
you got yourself a set, eh?

You're gonna regret this.

I already f*ckin' do!
My gravy's gone cold.

- Oh, yous are in... - Hold on!

Jill?

Oh, good. I got your name right.

Jill, could I get another side of
gravy? Please and thank yous.

I've always wondered
if it's true about

the ball shrinking
when you take steroids.

Oh, yeah. No,
I've heard it's true.

That's what I was told, too.

Why don't you
pull 'em out for us?

Let's take a look at you.

What?

Strip on down
and lay on the floor

and let's get a
good look at you.

The Rock eats 820 pounds
of Haddock each year

to get as big as he is.

Does he really?

- Cod, actually.
- Does he really?

Hey, ten of us and eight of you!

Oh, are you still here?

(Grunting)

(Bell ringing)

Who the f*ck are you?

We're the US m*llitary.

And who the f*ck are you?

Canadian Armed Forces.

Cousint'?

- Cousint'.
- You know these guys?

Who? Matty, Patty and Blaker?

Johnny, Shawny and Jaker?

Yeah,
we served together overseas and now

we keep in touch by going
to each other's families

buck and does and just
getting m*llitary grade drunk.

Is that right?

Yeah,
I think I speak for all of us when I say

there's really no one
closer to us than these boys.

Hm, good enough.

Jaker, love you brother.

Love you, brother.

Real good time at Shawny's
brother's buck and buck

a couple weeks back.

Shawny's brother's buck and
buck was a top fiver, for sure.

Yeah, it's really somehow
not shocking how much fatter

and uglier you've
gotten since then.

- Shawny, love you brother.
- Love you, brother.

Nice to finally
meet your old man.

He's a real ham 'n egger.

I just hope it's okay I
told him you and Johnny

routinely share cigarettes.

Matty, I love you brother.

Love you, brother.

We were such a hit at
your sisters buck and doe

that she invited
us to the wedding.

You tear that dance floor a new one,
eh?

Oh, yeah,
should see how fast it takes her to start

touching my arms when
we start talking. God damn.

Could set your watch to it.

Patty, I love you, brother.

- Love you, brother.
- Just wanna make sure

we're cool after I
danced three slow songs

with your sister at Johnny's
brother's buck and doe.

Bit tacky when you took your
shirt off for the third, Jaker,

but water under the bridge.

Bit aggressive when a
gal asks you to slow dance

when you already got your shirt off,
for sure.

It was her who asked you then,
was it?

That's well
documented at this point

but what's important to note

is that I was using
alcohol heavily that night

and she wasn't.

That's it! No more talking!

Can I give you a
quick heads up first?

(Scoffing) On what?

♪

♪ You're the inspiration
for your parents' recreation ♪

♪ Can you feel
all the temptation ♪

♪ From your heart? ♪

♪ We'll take all the blame ♪

♪ Everybody's so deranged ♪

♪ But it's black and
blue in our veins ♪

♪ And in our hearts ♪

♪ So,
let's ride every night until we die ♪

♪ Why can't I fix the head? ♪

♪ And that just makes
me want to quit ♪

♪

♪ I don't like
these vibrations ♪

♪ You're a parent's recreation ♪

♪ Can you feel
all the temptation ♪

♪ From your heart? ♪

♪ Meet me down the lane ♪

♪ Everybody's gone insane ♪

♪ We're just black
and blue in our veins ♪

♪ And in our hearts ♪

♪ So,
let's ride every night until we die ♪

♪ Why can't I fix the head? ♪

♪ And everybody's
just gonna want to quit ♪

♪ Hibernation ♪

♪ In your heart! (hibernation) ♪

♪ In your heart! (hibernation) ♪

♪ Your hearts, your hearts,
your hearts, your hearts ♪

♪ Your hearts, your hearts ♪

♪ Your hearts, your hearts ♪

♪ Your hearts, your hearts,
your hearts, your hearts ♪

♪ Your hearts, your hearts ♪

♪ Your hearts,
your hearts, your hearts ♪

♪

It's a bit f*ckin' awkward,
eh, boys?

Just as God intended it, my man.

Take your shirt off, Roald.

I have been waiting so
long to hear you say that.

- What's your name, bud?
- Uh, Roald.

- Like Roald Dahl?
- Well, actually...

I'm just kidding,
I don't give a f*ck.

(Chuckling)

You wanna get some tail tonight?

Do I!

What's your type?

Um, what are your names again?

- Johnny. - Shawny.

- Jaker. - Matty.

- Patty. - Blaker.

There's a bit of my
type in all of you.

I'm not tracking.

Ah, he's a gay.

I ought to introduce
you to my brother.

He has a brother.

Donny.

Shawny and Donny?

I'm Shawny. My brother's Donny.

I'm Johnny. My sister's gay.

Ah, what's her name?

Lonny.

You're Johnny and she's Lonny?

- And I'm Shawny.
- And his brother's Donny.

Swear to God, Lonny came out
of the closet and just got scissorin'.

Did you know that
scissoring isn't actually

as popular with lesbians
as people might think?

f*ck.

Well,
I don't think Lonny knew that part.

I love the smell of
scissoring in the morning.

Scissoring. Oh, f*ck!

- Hey, Johnny. - Hey, Shawny.

And your brother's Donny?

And Shawny's gay
brother is Donny.

Yeah,
remember when Donny came out of the closet,

just started smashin' ass?

As we do.

Just hammerin' ass.

Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots?

Wreck-It Ralph.

And Lonny went on
a bit of a sprint too.

Yeah, hard to picture a snapper

within a ten mile radius
that didn't get scissored.

Just scissorin' chicks
all hours of the day.

Never seen anything like it.

Scissoring chicks,
scissoring chicks that look like dudes.

Think one of those
chicks was a dude.

Um... (Clearing throat)

Does she have an Instagram or?

Oh, yeah.

Roald.

- SHAWNY: Whoa.
- Oh, no. Don't click that.

Oh, what is... Report this.

Hangin' in, Katy cat?

You could say that.

I know that look.

Seen that look once or twice,
that's all I know.

Katy's going scorched earth.

Say what?

What are the odds I get five
shirtless soldiers served up

the second I go on the rebound?

Six.

- One's her cousint'. - And?

What's the plan?

A bull and his son
stand at the top of a hill

looking over a
pasture full of cows.

The son goes to his dad,
"Dad, let's run down there

and f*ck one of those
cows." What does the bull say?

Who's the bull?

- Katy's the bull.
- Katy's a girl.

ROSIE: And?

The bull says, "No son.

Let's walk down
there and f*ck 'em all."

Yup. You're going
scorched earth alright.

(Snorting) Walk on down
there and f*ck 'em all,

that's what I always say.

Seven Canadians stateside
T-Rex-ing six rum and cokes.

These are rye and cokes.

Yeah,
mine are rye and cokes, too.

Fella had to make another
ryes run after yous ordered yours,

so some of these
are ryes and cokes

and somes of these
are rum and cokes.

You think the skids brought
any of that cocaine with 'em?

- Snooters? - Sneef?

- Sniff.
- Not across the border.

Not likelys.

sh*t. Man needs some
f*cking nose candy

at these sorts
of things... f*ck.

- So, Rosie's your sweetie, eh?
- Yep.

May I say something
respectfully?

No.

- And Katy's his sister? - Yeah.

- With all due respect... - No.

I kinda feel like Mrs.
McMurray's givin' me the eyes.

- Yeah? - Is that weird?

No.

Yous mind if I dibs Bonnie?

She's likely already dibs'd one of yous,
bud.

I feel like Gail would
make a man outta me.

Can confirm.

- MATTY: Hm.
- Let's get hammered.

Your terms is acceptables.

So, what are yous into?

f*ckin' chuckin' bombs and smashin' moms,
bud.

Chuckin' mitts and suckin' tits,
buddy.

Suckin' tits?

Suckin' all sorts of tits.
Suckin' titty all sorts.

Suckin' asymmetricals.
Suckin' side setters.

Suckin' sloppy egg yokers.

You know that's the governments
newest way of gathering information

- on you? - Go on.

- Government wants to be able to ID you by your teeth.
- Huh?

Why don't they just hack
your personal dental records?

Government skips the middle man.

What in the actual
f*ck is this then?

The government gathers
facial scans through your iPhone.

- Yes?
- Huawei will be gathering

retinal scans through
your phone eventually.

No.

Why do you think the US
wants to keep them out so bad?

All you have to do is
look at your phone screen

and they've got you.

Why does the government
want dental records?

Was about to tell you but
you h*jacked the conversation

on me a wee bit.

Je suis désolé.

What's say your body
gets burnt up in a fire

or t*rror1st att*ck or
else gets washed away

by a Tsunami and sharks eat you.

This is dark! I love it.

Your teeth are the
only way to identify you.

This is true.

Teeth are the hardest
and most well protected

structures in the body.
They resist decomposition,

high temperatures and are the
last to decompose once you're dead.

You don't say.

SHAWNY: No two oral
cavities are the same.

They're unique to an individual.

Government wants to
be able to ID your teeth

to complete the trifecta.

The triple crown.

The Holy Trinity,
face, eyes and teeth.

The government's had
your fingerprints for years

- through iPhone touch ID.
- Fools.

So, what you're saying
is the government collects

your dental ID by...

Suckin' a set of east-wester's?

Every country has male
and female spies that go

into enemy territory
and sleep with targets.

You mean, take 'em down?

- Smash 'em?
- Correct. The spies...

Should call 'em operatives.

Spies or operatives work.

If I'm an operative,
I don't appreciate being called a spy.

Ain't no f*ckin' James Bond.

Fine! Christ!

The operatives f*ck the targets

and they extract
information from 'em before,

during, and after sex!

You knew that, right? (Grunting)

f*ck as in... f*ck?

That's the one, big chief.

Everybody knew that!

It's called Honey Trapping.

Or Honey Potting.

I believe that group
of Canadian spies

are called The Romeo Section.

How do you know that?

(Both scoffing)

(Whispering) The dark web.

Who you gonna dibs?

I don't know. Who
are you gonna dibs?

- You get first dibs.
- I don't want first dibs.

Why don't you want first dibs?

Katy's goin' scorched earth.

Okay, so, who gets first dibs?

- I already dibs'd.
- I already dibs'd-ish.

- Huh? - Dibs'd-ish?

- Ball park dibs. - Anyhoo!

You know,
I don't even think dibs are required here.

So many dudes.

(Clapping) I say,

we hit the d-floor
and we... air it out.

What do you do when you fall off the horse,
Bonnie?

What's that?

You get right back on.

I knew the answer,
I just didn't want to...

You just get back on that
horse and you just ride it.

Never mind.

Anyone got gum?

Got some in the
truck. Hang tight.

Alright, I'll dibs.

My hub-skin.

I oughtta just head
over there 'n piss on him

and be done with it.

(Scoffing) This music lacks.

ROALD: Everyone seems to be enjoying it,
Stewart.

(Hissing)

- Do y'all know... - Patty

- Matty. - Blaker.

- Johnny. - Shawny.

- Jaker. - REILLY: So, okay.

So, the target sucks the
tit and... and then what?

What's all this then?

We're just getting down
to the nitty gritty here.

- Titty gritty. - On whats?

How government operatives
get their targets dental IDs

through getting
their tits sucked.

I am listening.

So, the target starts sucking
the operative's tit, right?

Now, the government's
inserted a tiny camera inside

the areola and that
camera records a dental ID

of the target while it's
sucking the operative's tit.

(Scoffing) What if the
target isn't into foreplay?

Well then,

the operative would have
to encourage foreplay.

She'd have to say something like,
"Hey, you. You want to

come over here and just
suck on my tits for a little bit?"

How exactly do you think a tit gets sucked,
though?

'Cause when I'm suckin' a tit,

I don't have my mouth
wide open. Usually.

But, so, like,
the camera wouldn't be able to see inside.

How do you do it?

I don't like inhale
it or anything.

But it's like, gentle,
you know? It's like a...

(Slurping)

You know?

So, how would the dental ID
get taken if my mouth is closed?

Well, that's another area

where the operative would
have to encourage the target.

Like, to get right in there.

How would they do that?

Good question. It's
a verbal process.

Like, "Come on, suck my tit.

Open your mouth right up and suck it,
baby."

Ugh. That is a lot of
responsibility for the operative.

The operative's there because
she wants to be. Trust me.

Like, you know,
"Wrap your mouth right around my tit.

Hell, bite it."

Whoa, whoa. Bite it, buddy?

No one likes that, bro.

Lots of people
like that. Trust me.

How many teeth would
the government have to ID

to get, like,
a proper dental ID?

Couldn't you just
use the eye teeth?

- No way. - No?

Nope. Honey Pot spies
don't get outta spy school

until they can successfully
identify a target's incisors,

canines,
and bicuspids through the process

- of getting their tit sucked.
- Wisdom teeth?

Oh, well, any spy that could
get the wisdom teeth done

through that process
could get fast-tracked

through spy school. No question.

Spy may be the better
term here actually.

Never heard it called
operative school.

Wanna know what?

It's horrifyingly sexist
that female spies

have to endure getting
cameras inserted

into their areolas
and men don't.

- Most don't.
- What do you means?

Most male spies get the
camera up their dink hole.

ALL: (Groaning) No.

I might even have one up mine.

I think I might too, Johnny.

You get to a certain
rank in the US m*llitary

and you just kinda assume
that they've shoved a camera

- up your dink hole. - When?

When you're sleeping or something,
I don't know.

Canadian m*llitary do this, too?

- f*ck no.
- Course they do, Blaker.

Jaker, say one more time that
one of my Canadian brothers

touched my d*ck
while I was sleeping!

Go ahead and try and
tell me that one more time.

Okay, so, the operatives

get cameras inserted
(Pop) in their dink holes...

- (Groaning) -
and then they just

go around getting blowies,
collecting dental ID's?

That's exactly what they do.

I'd sign up for that.

Well, who wouldn't sign up
for a blowie for your country?

It's silly not to.

Unpatriotic is what it is.

I'm surprised we're not
all signing up right now.

Well, gentlemen,
we're a group of drunk hicks,

skids, hockey players,
and soldiers with our shirts off

and cameras up our dink-holes
and there's are more than

a handful of pretty women
out there on that dance floor.

So,
let's get some God damn photographs.

(Scoffing) This music sucks.

♪ (The Manhattans
"Shining Star") ♪

♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Honey ♪

♪ You are my shining star ♪

♪ Don't you go away ♪

♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ Wanna be ♪

♪ Right here where you are ♪

♪ Until my dying day ♪

♪ Yeah baby ♪

♪ So many have tried ♪

♪ Tried to find a love
like yours and mine ♪

♪ Mm-hm ♪

♪ Girl,
don't you realize how you hypnotize? ♪

♪ Make me love
you more each time ♪

♪ Yeah, baby ♪

♪ Honey,
I'll never leave you lonely ♪

♪ To you only ♪

♪ Honey you... ♪
(Record scratching)

(M-b*at "Jungle is Massive") ♪ Wicked,
wicked ♪

♪ Jungle is massive,
wicked, wicked ♪

♪ Jungle is massive ♪

♪ Wicked, wicked ♪

♪ Junglist massive ♪

♪ Wicked original ♪

♪ Well,
big up all the original Junglist massive ♪

♪ The original
dancehall Junglist dere ♪

♪ General Levy
alongside the M-b*at ♪

♪ The world is in trouble ah,
what we tell dem m*rder*r ♪

♪ It goes I am the incre...
Incre... Incredible General ♪

♪ Sensational
what them call me ♪

♪ Incre... incre...
Incredible Gene... ♪

♪ Select, selec... lect ♪

♪ Yo, mad the whole a dem
I spin dem like a windmill ♪

♪ New talk fi dem,
gwarn tell dem we got the skill ♪

♪ Dance cyan nice unless
we name 'pon de bill ♪

♪ And the girls hear we voices
like dem dreams get fulfil ♪

♪ Massa menimeni,
passa menimeni colda menimeni chill ♪

♪ Idle we nah sekkle
we nah ova da hill ♪

♪ Wah de want come see us say
us must be sick and must be ill ♪

♪ Test the daddy M-b*at
unnu better go write your will ♪

♪ Come on ♪

♪ Have mercy,
have mercy, have mercy ♪

♪ Have mercy, have mercy ♪

♪ So ya, booyaka booyaka,
when the General pass ♪

♪ Booyaka booyaka,
M-b*at run the dance ♪

♪ Booyaka booyaka,
we nah take back nah talk ♪

♪ Booyaka
booyaka... incredible ♪

♪ Me stylee fi pon de mic
general treat the general ♪

♪ Get pon brock inna me style,
wicked original ♪

♪ Menimeni brock, menimeni
skin, me nah or chat... ♪