09x02 - Kids with Problems

[bunniefuu]

You were playing crib with
your pals the other day...

(Wind gusting)

f*ck it's windy out there, eh?

Dary?

- Wayne.
- Get involved.

- Got somethin' on my mind.
- Somethin' importants?

It's almost not even
worth thinkin' about.

- Good enough!
- Three-hander then.

I prefers a three-hander.

I was actually hoping
Dary wouldn't be here,

so that we could
play a three-hander.

Playing with three
is good for me.

Three-way gives you leeway.

Can I bend your ear
about something?

Yep. Just go ahead and leave
right after that, though,

since we're playing a three-
hander and I don't appreciate

when you look at my cards
over my shoulder.

Yous know Mother Hutchins?

'Course. Mother of 17.
Great gal.

By the way, can you
grab us some Puppers

out of the fridge
on your way out?

17 kids. One less
than a baseball game.

Giving birth 17 times...

the w*r zone that
must've left behind.

f*ckin' Ma Hutchins
just birthin' 'em.

Anyhoo, Dary,
can you make sure that
the screen door latches?

I don't want it
blowing in the wind.

I seen Mother Hutchins today
and she was whistling

when there's no way that she
could've been whistling.

What's that?

I seen Mother Hutchins uptown

in a beautiful dress.

And then...

a slight gust of wind came by...

and I heard a very faint...

(Low whistling)

That's enough.

Why couldn't she's
have been whistling.

On account of she was
eating an ice cream cone.

(Katy sighing) There's no
possible way you can whistle

when you're
eating an ice cream cone.

- Pert' near.
- So...

where do you think the whistle
sound was coming from?

It's...

It's almost not
worth thinking about.

Well, I think we're all
thinking the same thing.

- But what if we're not?
- What do you mean?

Like, if we aren't all
thinking the same thing

about, like... like where the...

whistle sound was coming from
on her body...

Mother of 17...

...on a windy day,

if it wasn't coming
from her mouth?

Yeah.

What if we are not all in
agreement about what the...

...source of the whistle is?

Then, you'd have
egg on your face.

There's only
one way to find out.

Okay, Dary. Dary, okay.

Are you suggesting that wind
went up Ma Hutchins' skirt

and hit her... vag*na...

...and made a whistle sound?

Is that what you
were thinking, Katy?

Is that what you
were thinking, Dan?

It's quite obvious that's
what Wayne was thinking.

Put me outta my misery here.
Do I have egg on my face
or not?

- No.
- DAN AND KATY: No.

I'm not...

unconvinced...

that wind...

hitting the womanhood
of a mother of 17...

at the right speed and angles

could create vibrations...

causing sounds.

I'm just not convinced
it would be a whistle.

I think we need to take
into consideration that...

17 melons have passed

through that particular
greengrocer's...

...and that..

The wind hittin' her...

vag*na...

would sounds more likes a...

balloons leaking air
out of a very thin hole.

How would that sound, Dan?

Be more of a... be more
of a high-pitched whistle.

Uh...

like a...

(Air whistling through
Dan's teeth)

Cool it.

Well, I was there,
and what I heard...

was more of a standard
whistle, like this...

(Whistling lowly)

Uh-uh.

No. What yous aren't
taking into account

are the... grooming styles

of older women or lack thereof.

I had not taken
that into account.

As a woman, I...

I do think that the whistle
sound is more plausible.

But I feel like there
would be an addition...

of a... rustling sound of sorts.

Like a wind rustling
in the bush.

Dary... make
the whistle sound, again.

- (Whistling lowly)
- (Hair rustling)

We respect our f*ckin' elders.

Yeah, it be more what
it sounds like. Yeah.

Look, any of yous
ever been in a cave?

You mean a real cave?

- f*ckin' sake, Dary.
- No.

- Nope.
- No.

- You?
- Yeah.

Down Disney.

Now, as the only one here
who's even been in a cave,

and witnessed the dull hum

of wind hittin'
something cavernous...

...like Dary, okay,
the whistle sound
is plausible,

and, Dan, I can picture
the accompaniment

of air being released balloon,

and, okay, Katy...

Katy, okay. I suppose
the grooming styles

of older ladies...

Or lack thereof.

...oughtta be considered as well.

But what I think we're missing
here from the equation

is the... dull hum.

What would that sound like?

A bit like an idle
lightsaber, I think.

- Like a Star Wars lightsaber?
- Don't piss me off, Dary.

So, like?

(Imitating high-pitch
hum of lightsaber)

- That holds water.
- Most caves do.

However... like,
if we were to combine

all our assumptions here, and...

well, I think that
just might be the ticket.

And a-one, and a-two,
and a one, two three and...

(Whistling, rustling, humming)

Now...

it's almost not
worth thinkin' about.

(Theme music playing)

DAN: f*ckin' piece of sh*t.
God damn assholes.

(Muttering)
Kids today have got
f*ckin' problems!

You're kidding.

Aren't you surly, Squirrelly.

Some little shits

stole the mailbox from
the end of the laneways.

Yous use to steal mailboxes

at the end of laneways all
the time when you were kids.

DAN, WAYNE: Allegedly.

That's a federal crime.

The feds are the real
f*ckin' criminals!

But that's my f*ckin' mailbox!

DARY: (Muttering)
m*therf*cker...

I've had it with kids
with problems!

WAYNE: Sounds like you've
had it with kids then.

- A bit hairy, Dary?
- Some little f*ckers

put sh*t in a bag,
put it on my stoop.

How could they stoop so low?

Yous used to put sh*t in bags
and leave 'em places

all the time when
you were kids, too.

ALL: Allegedly.

Yous should have
motion sensing cameras

set up around your homes.
It's the new norm.

What am I? The FBI?

Yeah, take it
easy there Double-O7.

Yeah. What am I? The CIAs?

WAYNE: f*ckin'
Carmen Sandiego over here.

Cameras are a bit MI5, cousint'.

Tinker Gailer soldier spy.

Guess that was a bit
Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

Oh, here come the men in black.

Do you know how many kids
have problems in this town?

- All of 'em.
- They all wait for the bus

on the corner of my yard.

Oh, no. It's your mother's yard.

f*ck! And they're out
there fighting every day.

And name calling!

Yous used to scrap all
the time when you were kids.

Yous scrap all
the time as adults.

I'm surprised we're not havin'...

(Clearing throat)

I said I'm surprised we're not
having a scrap right now.

ROSIE: You sorted?

Wee of frog in my throat today.

BONNIE: I'm sorry I'm late.

I hate being late.
I am never late!

Shift doesn't start
for another five.

If you're not ten minutes
early, you're late!

- Why are you...
- Not now, Daryl!

What's the fuss, Bon?

Kids with problems!

I'm glad yous are all
finally catching up here.

What did kids
with problems do now?

- Grab assin'!
- ALL: Oh!

Looks I can tolerates
mailbox stealin'.

I'll tolerate sh*t throwin'.

- Worse things than fighting.
- Name calling!

But grab assin' young womens,
that's where I draws the line!

Something must be dones!

Dart?

Next time, it could be
my ass that gets grabbed.

Then mine.

Then, with any luck, mine.

Well, yous better get it sorted.

You're not gonna help?

- No.
- Why not?

Rosie and I have decided
to take a dance class.

BOTH: Really?

- f*ck no! Get real.
- Ha!

But you're going.

- Oh yeah?
- Oh yeah.

Okay.

Look, we'll bring
them down here.

You don't even
have to go anywhere.

Can... Can we get hammered?

No.

We do it once. We do it right.

Patience.

'Kay.

Booze usually helps these
things along, that's all
I'm sayin'.

(Clearing throat)

- Hey, buddy?
- Bro.

Any part of you feel like

you've done all you're
gonna to do in hockey?

- No.
- I mean, we won a 'ship.

'Coupla 'ships, on the ice
and behind the bench.

So, what comes next?

I don't know.
Some back checking.

Some learning defensive
responsibilities.

Not skipping leg day.

Oh my God.
See, that's the thing.

I'm sick of back checking.

I'm sick of defensive
responsibilities.

f*ck leg day. What if I told you

there's a league where you
didn't have to do any of that?

- I'd call you a liar.
- (Snapping)

Full on selfish hockey.

That only exists in dreams.

And there's beer.

Are we...

- Are we dreaming?
- Are we dreaming?

COACH: Oh, no.

Would you like to join
my beer league hockey team?

(Laughing) There's beer.

You're gonna love it.

There's hockey... (Laughing)
and there's beer.

(Laughing)

(Sighing)

- You in?
- (Whistle blowing)

(Clearing throat)

How are you now?

Guess I'll start by saying,
uh, we appreciate yous

taking the time to come
down here today,

taking time away from...

well, being little
f*ckin' idiots.

Guess, as a sort of
peace offering,

we've arranged a little
surprise for yous.

Now, just for being here,

yous each get a hot dog,
pop and a bag of chips.

Now, I see you've
already got your pops
and bags of chips.

We'll have the hot dogs
a little wee bit later, so...

Gail, if you wouldn't
mind joining me on
the floor, please.

This is Gail.

Just like to say
a quick thanks to Gail

for providing us
with a venue today,

as the hot dogs,
pops and bags of chips.

(Applauding)

- Thanks very much, Gail.
- 'Kay.

Now, yous are
all down here today

'cause yous've been
mailbox stealin',

sh*t throwin', fightin',
name callin' and grab assin'.

Well, I think yous have all
had too much sugar cereal.

So, what we've done here
today, is arranged

a panel of local experts
on this sort of thing

to see if we can't help yous
sort yourselves out.

So, what's say
we get this rig rollin'?

Like to hand over the floor
to my good friend Dary.

I'd like yous to give
him your full attention

'cause he's a pretty good guy.

Dary, you have the floor.

(Applauding)

One or more of you

dropped a sh*t in a bag
and put it on my stoop.

Yous used to do that, too.

DAN, WAYNE: Allegedly.

I'm thinking the reason

that you guys are acting
up so much

is because you've got too
much time on your hands.

The idle mind
is the devil's playground!

So, if yous have got
time for acting up,

I think you've got time
to learn a skilled trade.

Learning a skilled trade
will help you later on in life

because everybody always
needs a skilled tradesman.

Now, Katy, would you help me

with the dry-erase
board, please?

You're way closer to it.

If yous can be one thing,
yous should be efficient.

Now, one or maybe more of you

seem to need a bit of a reminder

that sh*t... goes in the toilet.

Now, who has a toilet?
Well, everybody.

And a question for you:

Who is going to need their
toilet fixer sooner or later?

Answer: everybody.

So, get your toilet ticket.

That's for plumbers
and pipefitters.

Question for you:

What happens in the summertime?

That's right. It gets hot.

People are always
gonna need to stay cool,
so get your fridge ticket.

That's for AC, deep freeze

and other air conditioning
cooling systems.

(Chuckling)

You there, I see you
like the use

of your phone quite a bit.

Is that what you like?
Really nice.

It's my phone now, okay?

Bet you don't like it

when that phone
runs out of battery, do ya?

No.

Get your electrician's ticket.

Everybody's always
gonna need power.

And if all else fails,
yous can drive truck.

So, there you see,
to fix essential services

in a person's home or business,

you need to learn
a skilled trade, that way,

you'll always have work and
you'll always stay busy.

This is so gay.

ALL: Oh! Hey!
(All shouting at once)

You want your mouth
washed out with soap?

You want your mouth
washed out with soap?!

I see you like that pop
and bag a chips pretty good!

I'll take it away
from you just as fast

as I f*ckin' gave it to you...

(All yelling)

Beers before games, buddy?

Loving beer league already, bro.

Hey, save some for
the rest of us, Coach.

(Chuckling)

You guys ever seen the sun

crest over
the Blue Ridge Mountains?

No, Coach.

Fifteen years ago,
me and Barb rented an RV,

and we decided to drive across
the United States...

of America.

Well, we camped outside
the Blue Ridge Mountains.

Just as the sun was cresting
over that majestic scenery,

Barb took some olive oil and
squirted it into her hand

and took my shaft and
started stroking it slowly.

Sorry. She what?

Then, she popped a couple
of winter fresh mints

and it tingled as
she took me orally.

She was like a Hoover
with perfect suction,

you know, and just,
ooh, latched on there

and took me for a ride.

Finally, I just
ejaculated all my semen,

just sat back, so much peace.

Just looked at
the mountains and the sun.

Course, Barb went
and washed her face.

You ready to win us
a beer league hockey game?

Let's, uh, do this!

(Beers clinking)

And I'll put what's left
of yous in a standard envelope

and mail you back
to your g*dd*mn parents!

(Clearing throat)

I'd just like to thank
Surly Dan for his expl*sive,

yet compelling message
on mailbox stealin'

and how that's a federal crime.

Feds are the real criminals!

Yeah, we heard you, bud.

But that's my f*ckin' mailbox!

Sun's getting real low,
big fella. Come on.

WAYNE: Well, it looks like
yous are starting

to settle into this.
That's a pretty good thing,

'cause guess what's right up
'round the corner?

Hot dogs.

Like to hand over
the floor to Stewart, Roald,

Tyson and Joint Boy, who are
gonna have a quick chat

with yous about fightin'.

- And name calling!
- Yup fightin' and
name callin'.

So, Stewart, Roald, Tyson,
Joint Boy,

yous have the floor.

(Applauding)

Oh, allow me.

Bet he tells them
to self-medicate.

The reason you're all
fighting and mailbox stealing

and sh*t throwing
and grab assing...

And name calling!

...is because
you have too much energy!

You must expend the energy

that leads to poor choices
and to do that...

you must exercise.

What is happening here?

Our solution is two-fold.

You seem to enjoy fighting,

so you will get your
exercise by learning to...

fight.

f*ckin' idiot.

Tyson. Joint Boy.

(Applause)

So, we're gonna
teach you how to box.

Boxing is the
superior discipline

when it comes
to physical combat.

That's why they call it
the sweet science.

- Huh?
- What?

Muay Thai is
the superior discipline.

Boxing actually teaches you

footwork and self-defence.

I'd evade your straight-on
att*ck and knock you out.

You'd be able to evade
my eight points of att*ck

and knock me out with your
two points of att*ck?

You'd be surprised what
I can do with my left
and right hands.

You'd be surprised what
I can do with my left
and right hand,

my left and right elbow,
my left and right knee

and my left and right foot.

Also, too, your boxing stance
exposes your knee.

What are you gonna do
when I break it?

(Chuckling) Try it.

All right.

Yeah.

JOINT BOY: Come on!

I smell hot dogs.

Buddy! This is sick!

Two genos, two apples.
All while you're half cut.

I love beer league, buddy.

Rockin' a hat trick
and a helper,

all while working
a little day fade.

True dat! Coach, how you doing?

You guys ever been
to the Grand Canyon.

- It's beautiful.
- No, Coach.

No, Coach, but if this is
another one of your stories,

it's all right, you...

Me and Barb parked the RV
right beside that canyon

and we got so
overtaken with its beauty

that I put down the kitchen
table, it turns into a bed,

and I just lowered her onto it,

took her clothes off
that voluptuous body.

She had the biggest
f*ckin' tits.

Guys...

she had one nipple that was
the size of a silver dollar.

The other one didn't
even have a nipple,

so I just
stayed away from there.

Then, I took some olive oil,

'cause we were
in the kitchen, right?

I just dumped that
all over her, right?

And then, I took my sword

and I just... I took Camelot.

Or as we called it "Cumalot".

Then, I was so tired,
I just fell asleep.

Barb, of course, went outside

and washed up
with the garden hose.

PLAYER: Let's go! Come on!

BOTH: Thank God.

- f*ck. Let's wheel.
- Wheel, wheel.

Wheel, wheel, wheel!

(Whistle blowing)

Did yous all get a hot dog?

Give 'em all hot dogs?
Pretty good hot dogs?

Boy, I love hot dogs.

Well, here's a scoop
I'm gonna tell ya,

yous have all been little shits.

But the worst of it all,

like, by far, is grab assin'.

Now, to explain to
yous why that's super bad,

I've enlisted the help
of my sister Katy,

as well as my sweetie Rosie.

(Clearing throat)

Katy, Rosie,
yous have the floor.

(Applauding)

So, I hear you little boys
like to grab ass, eh?

You like grabbin'
girls by the ass?

- Um...
- Let me tell you
a little something

about little boys
who grab asses.

Grabbin' ass,
otherwise known as as*ault

and sometimes molestation.

- Guys...
- No, Bonnie. We got this.

- Straight to the slammer.
- The clink.

- The pen.
- The cage.

- The pound.
- Prison.

Wanna know what happens to
little boys in prison?

Let's try to keep this PGs.

KATY: Well, you wanna
know what happens

to little boys after they've
served time in prison?

Katy...

Bonnie, we've got this.

KATY: Do you guys know what
the sex offender registry is?

- Yes.
- Stewart!

For the rest of your life,

wherever you decide
to set up shop,

you'll have to go door to door

and introduce yourself to
your neighbours and be like,

"Hi, I'm Kyle"
or "I'm Kendrick,"

or "I'm Kenny and
I'm a sex offender."

Yeah. I'm not sure if you
little boys have noticed,

but we've got some big
dudes here in Letterkenny.

Would you like to knock
on this fella's door?

Huh? Huh? Huh?

A fella who looks
like... this? Huh?

Say "Hey, fella, I'm a sex
offender" and see
what happens.

Rosie...

KATY: No, Bonnie. Bonnie, no.
You've suffered enough.

Let's get to the bottom of this.

Okay, which one
of you little boys

grabbed Bonnie's ass?

Not so tough now, eh?

Not so tough, now that you've
been called to the carpet.

Which one of you
little shits did it?

(Gasping)

Why'd you grab her ass?

It's a great ass.

(All murmuring)

We're not arguing
that it's a great ass.

But she did have one of
those poop bags for dogs

sticking out of her back pocket.

I just went to grab it
and hand it to her.

Well, you can see
how Ms. McMurray

would, uh...
not have seen it that way.

Then she called me a skank.

ALL: Oh!

- ROSIE: No! Bonnie!
- (All yelling)

Bonnie, this is a young girl...

REILLY: Six genos and
six apples, buddy.

Five tucks
and seven helpers, bro.

No back checking.

No defensive responsibilities.

BOTH: No leg day!

f*ck, buddy, I could get
use to beer league.

Beer league for life, bro!

You guys ever seen
the Mississippi river?

- No, Coach.
- Please, Coach.

We have so much going
for us right here.

Flow of that river
that hot summer night

was only outdone by the flow
of Barb's Bartholin glands.

I undid by button-fly
acid wash jeans...

pulled out my quarter pounder,
I presented it to her.

No pickles, no onions,
special order.

Slid it inside her.

There was some air
caught up in there,

so it was like...
(Blowing raspberry)

(Raspberry continuing)

You gotta get it all out.

And then, I kept going till
I was ready to water her

like a bed of Tuscan flowers.

I ejaculated
my semen all over her

like I was hosing down an
elephant at the circus.

Then, I couldn't move after.

I just laid there
and listened to the river.

Of course, Barb
went and got a rag

and some Head and Shoulders
and cleaned herself up.

Well, every program
has its flaws,

but if that's all we have
to deal with,

f*ck, buddy,
I guess we're beer leaguers.

Beer league for life, bro!

- 'Ferda.
- 'Ferda.

Guys, you ever
been to Disneyland?

Hey, leave it!

Hey! leave it!

He said f*ckin' leave it!

Yous mean to tell me
I can't even take a piss

without yous horsin' around?

Yous are little shits
with your horseplay,

with your roughhouse.

Now, Gail's been back there
microwaving smokies

all afternoon, so yous
could enjoy a hot dog.

I was gonna leave
this as a surprise,

but she's gone to the store
to get more pops and chips.

So, how do you feel now?
Not very good.

Now, what kids need if
they're gonna shape up

is some tough love,

but that's your parents' jobs's.

As your peer, all I
can offer yous is logic.

So, what we're gonna do...
(Clearing throat)

is sit down here today and
logic these problems to death.

Here we go now.

- Mailbox stealin'.
- Mailbox stealin'.

Look, this is a small town.

If you get in
trouble with the law,

you're gonna get
written up in the paper.

Either the police briefs

or the court reports,
if you get charged.

So, now, how silly
would you feel,

if you get written up
in the paper for a crime,

and that crime is
mailbox stealin'?

Like, it's about
the squarest crime there is.

And fellas, if you want
to know how hard it is

to get any attention from girls

after getting written up
for mailbox stealin',

f*ckin' ask Dary.

Yeah, and how long was it, Dary?

Two calendar years
and four fiscal months.

Four fiscal months.

sh*t throwin'!

sh*t throwin', this one's easy.

How f*ckin' old are yas?

Sixteen.

What's your name? I think
I know your old man.

- Me?
- f*ckin' never mind.

KID: Everyone else here
is fifteen though.

I was held back first grade

'cause it took me a little
longer to read than most kids.

- Loser.
- Stewart.

WAYNE: Well, look, if yous
are gonna get involved

in petty vandalism, like,

do graffiti or something,
get creative with it.

It's more than a
bit f*ckin' primitive

to be shittin' in bags
and throwin' it places.

Well, yous did that, too,
when you were their age.

DAN, WAYNE, DARY: Allegedly.

(Mouthing word silently)

Fighting!

Well, look, I love a scrap
as much as the next guy,

let's make that good and clear.

(Clearing throat)

But you kids have your phones
out all the damn time,

taking videos
of everything you see.

So, let's say you get in a fight

you get b*at up or,
even worse, knocked out,

some young nut sack's
got his phone out

and he's taking a video of it,

going home to put it
on the f*ckin' internet.

And there's no helping you
once it's on a few websites.

(Scoffs) And God help you
if it reaches the dark web.

Once it's on there,
it's on there for good

and it could follow you around
for the rest of your lifes.

So, use your f*ckin' heads.

Name calling!

f*ckin' sticks and stones.

Grab assin'!

Yous wanna go grab assin' girls?

Okay.

Now, more than likely that
girl's got a big brother,

or a big cousint', or an old man

who's been tossin' bales
around his whole life

and loves the bottle.

Now, I'm gonna tell ya,

you don't want any of 'em
grabbin' a hold of you.

Don't...

f*ck...

with girls.

You know what?

I've always wanted
to be an actor.

I am going to quit messing
around and go do it.

Well, don't f*ckin' do that.

Wait till you're older.

Look how f*cked up
child actors get,

with adults pressuring
them to entertain.

You'll have a needle
in your arm by the time
you're drinking age.

I'm going to be a
climate activist just like...

Don't do that! Well, like,

look at how f*cked up
child actors get

with adults pressuring
them to entertain,

like, f*cking
imagine how f*cked up

child climate activists get

with adults pressuring them
to save the f*ckin' world!

- (Chuckling)
- So, what do we do?

Well look, being
a young shithead is
a rite of passage.

You're only a young
shithead once.

So, you might as well
just go out

and be a young shithead.

Get in trouble,
take risks, make mistakes,

but, you know,
keep it between the lines.

- We all dids.
- Yeah, but except for Dary,

who got written up
in The Banner for
stealin' mailboxes,

and then no girls
would touch him for like...

How long was it?

Two calendar years
and four fiscal months.

Four fiscal months.

So, here's
what I want yous to do,

I want yous to take what
you've learned today...

...and f*ck off.

What are yous gonna do?

Get hammered.

Carve my names into the bars.

- Make fun of the skids.
- Fight this guy.

Grab a big chunk of that ass.

Well, sounds like we're gonna be

young shitheads
for a while yet, too.

♪ (Fast hard-core
punk playing) ♪

♪

♪ Dancing, by me my love ♪

♪ Changing my love ♪

♪ Followed for the future ♪

♪ She goes slowly ♪

♪ So securely, lovesick,
lonely... ♪

♪ Needed more than ever ♪

♪ Concrete face below
the surface of the waves ♪

♪ An endless chase,
a straight line ♪

♪ Life is not forever ♪

♪

♪ Sleep tight,
care for no life ♪

♪ Try to hope less ♪

♪ Eyes wild, like the story,
shifting endlessly ♪

♪ So securely, lovesick,
lonely... ♪

♪ Needed more than ever ♪

♪ concrete face below
the surface of the waves ♪

♪ An endless chase,
a straight line ♪

♪ Life is not forever ♪

♪