09x05 - Sleepover

[bunniefuu]

Your pal needed
a handy man the other day.

Truck wouldn't turn
over this morning.

Took me five or six tries.

Well, what do you put in 'er?
5W 30?

- 10W 30? - 10Ws 40? - 15W 40?

WAYNE: Two stroke? Four stroke?

DARY: What kind of mile
you get to the gallon?

What's your town
to highway mileage?

A small cr*ck in
the windshield weakens

the structural integrity
of the entire vehicle.

- Sounds like transmission.
- Manual transmission?

- a*t*matic transmission?
- Semi-a*t*matic transmission?

WAYNE: Planetary gear a*t*matic?

DARY: Electronic
pressure system?

- Sounds like hydraulics.
- New clutch?

You run a heating block
in 'er overnight this time
of year, eh?

How much rubber
left on the tires?

You don't still
have your summers on?

Winters should go on
no later than mid-November

and most dealerships will
store your summers

if you go in a wee bit earlier.

- WAYNE: Gail, what do
you idle at?
- Could be computer.

- Oh, geez.
- (Grumbling)

What?

(All grumbling)

Hope it's not computer.

I hope so, too.
Where do you fill it up?

- West End?
- South end?
- Bender's?

WAYNE: If you're goin' out of
town for that, I'm hesitant.

Like, I'm real hesitant.

Dealer tells you premium,
you go premium.

He's got nothing to gain there.

Premium 91 to 93 octane?
You go f*cking 92.

Straight up the middles.

If you think the dealership
has a second for you once

the vehicle changes hands
I've got news for you.

Alright, truck won't turn
over. It's not his problem.

It's not my problem.
That's your problem.

- Get it in writing.
- DAN: Look at that, dealer

doesn't have a fuckin pen.
Happened to me,
it'll happen to you.

They wanna dicker
with Monday details?

Tell 'em that's fine,
I'll go across the street.

I hate to be the one to tell
you but that truck loses 50%

of its value the second
you drive it off the lot.

You're broke down
on the 401, are you?

Guess who's not
in the office today.

Ever take the 400
to Barrie early-March?

(Scoffing) You don't wanna.

If the sliding ice don't
get ya, the falling ice will.

Alright, the last truck
he tried to sell me come
with chrome nerf bars

when I'm fine with factory
rubber running boards.

I said I'm not paying for that.

Not a damn thing wrong
with standard runners.

Three generations of
dairy farmers'll tell you

the exact same thing.

He wants an extra buck 10 for
a turnkey lock

for the f*cking gas t*nk cover.

I said, "I didn't just fall off
no turnip truck.

Never sat in his chair
once through the deal.

Stood the whole time.
He wanted that power over me.

WAYNE: Alright, so, he's got
a big, fancy clock

up there on the wall behind him
in his office

not adjusted for
daylight savings,

I said, "Buddy the writing is
literally on the wall here."

Chewed on his pen lid
the entire time

and I'm thinking, "If he'll
put that in his mouth,

what else'll he put in there?"

DAN: If he called the
receptionist his girl

one more time I was going over
the f*cking table at him.

Photo of his beer league team
for his computer wallpaper.

That's no family man.

WAYNE:
I said I don't got a problem
with you 'til you bullshit me.

Don't bullshit me.

I signed the deal and
the Twin Towers come down,
think about that.

DAN: His dad used to teach me
back in grade three.

One time he grabbed the back
of my neck real f*cking hard.

I never told no one.

Every single one of 'em
carries a revolver beneath

their driver's seat and every
single one of 'em knows why.

I'd heard he smashed
a snapping turtle's shell

with a sand wedge on the golf
course as a kid,

and they should've
locked him up right there,

because that's
the right thing to do.

You wanna get an earful?
You ask his little sister
about him.

Guess who opposes
gay marriage on Twitter?

Everyone thought he's
the golden child

'cause he's the only boy
in the church choir,

he was stealing cookies from
Bible Club the whole time.

Okay, who's worse,
him or his old man?

Bit of a race to
the bottom there isn't it?

I seen 'em kiss his
own daughter on the lips
past the age of three.

That would make a fella
wonder. Don't it?

He lifted my flip-flops
from the lost and found

at the public pool
and I can prove it.

Bad gas travels fast
in a small town, eh?

Yeah, turns out
the gas cap was just loose,

and won't turn over
unless she's airtight, so.

Onward.

(Theme song playing)

♪

I just... I love this
time of winter so much.

- I concur.
- The cold months.

No one leaves the house.

We close the bar early.

Hockey Night In Canada, buddy.

High five for
hibernation, buddy.

Yeah. f*cking A.

- I just love it so much.
- I love this game so much.

Well, you're currently second
runner-up there, big sh**t.

Sonic the Hedgehog
on Sega Genesis holds up

by today's gaming standards.

'Cause of the speed, Stewart?

Yes. Have you played
Mario Brothers on
original NES lately?

So f*cking slow.

- Coffee. Tea.
- Sega!

I might need to dump my letters.

Me, too. Nothing but vowels.

Same. I'm a bit concerned
we're playing with

the French bag of letters.

The French are
so horny for vowels.

I'm so horny for the French.

(French accent) A, E, I, O, U.

Do you ever get kinda sad
when the third period

of the double-header
is almost over?

Yes, because when
the final horn blows

I'm not watching hockey
with Canada anymore.

Katy, would you like
to buy Baltic Avenue?

f*ck, Dary, if I
told you once I told you

a baker's dozen times,
it's not your turn, Dary.

Yeah, Dary. Stop doing that.

It's just, like, it kinda
ruins the game for everybody

else when you're trying
to make backdoor deals

- when it's my roll.
- Or my roll.

Or when it's Katy's roll.
Just saying it, just,

kinda ruins the game
for everybody else.

KATY:
And stop trying to sell me
these purple properties.

They're, like, the shittiest
properties on the board.

They're the f*cking
MoDean's One of the board.

Well, what do you want then?

- It's not your turn, jackass!
- All four railroads.

Good buddy,
good buddy, good buddy.

Dary. Look at me. Look at me.
Look at me. Look at me.

Don't do it, Dary.

- For what?
- Cash.

Dary, don't do it.

- How much?
- $200, super chief.

You out of your f*cking mind?

I need cash.

I need to b*at Dr. Eggman.

But you've got
no rings, Stewart.

ALL: I need consonants.

I need a classic
Calgary comeback.

All Edmonton so far, buddy.

- I still need cash.
- Cash is king.

Well, she ain't the f*cking
Wolf of Wallstreet.

It's all about the Benjamins.

Take the cash,
make the dash, Dary.

WAYNE: Look at me. Look at me.
Look at me. Dary.

Dary. Look. Look at me.
Look at me. Look at me.

Don't.

- Done. - Deal. - Dammit.

You did it, Stewart!

With no rings, Roald.

- 'Kay, I'm dumping.
- I'm Donald Dump.

Dumpelstiltskin.

Battle of Alberta
goes to Edmonton, buddy.

You won the battle,
but we'll win the w*r.

Business doing
pleasure with you, Dary.

Mm-hm.

(Blowing)

(Chuckling)

Short Line Railroad.
Nice to be home.

Dary, you're up.

(Blowing)

Hm, Short Line.

That'll be two hundo,
super chief.

I concede.

And that'll be first runner
up, super chief.

Second place is first loser.

One is the loneliest number.

(Sighing)

BOTH: So.

Oui. We're definitely playing
with les lettres francaises.

Call it?

Good night, Canada.

A bientot. See you soon.

What do you think
Dan's doing right now?

He's out with Ellen tonight.

He's got a finger up
the ass then.

(Chuckling)

Wait.

Do you wanna know
what we should do?

(Scoffing) I'll know when
you tell me.

Have at 'er.

I think I know, buddy.

We should watch all three
Jackass movies in a row.

(Both gasping)

Watch all three Lord of
the Rings movies in a row.

(Laughing)

I haven't watched
Fubar in a long time.

- I've never seen Fubar.
- (Gasping)

Saddle up youngin.
You're in for it.

Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Five?

- Not Six?
- Five then Six?

'Cause, like, you gotta
watch 'em once a year, right?

So, like, it might
as well be tonight.

I wouldn't say no to that.

There is nothing, like,
not even one thing

that makes me
laugh like Jackass.

But I'm a bit tired.
I might fall asleep.

- No, you won't.
- No, you won't.
- BOTH: No you won't.

It's hit the hay
or press play, bro.

Press play, buddy.

How could you fall
asleep during Jackass?

Yeah, you're right.
I won't. Let's do it!

I'll get the DVDs.

Blu-Rays, Roald.

I've got pot gummies.

Should we check to see if
any Tinderellas hit us up?

- Well-earned night off, bro.
- Hm.

Maybe we should bring
the Gus'n Bru with us?

Maybe we should get
a little bit more hammered?

I'd get a little more hammered.

I'm kinda surprised we're
not getting a little bit

more hammered right now.

♪

There's no way we'll sleep.

There's no way you'll sleep.

(All laughing)

No sleep 'til Brooklyn, bro.

Sleep when we're dead, buddy!

- D'Ascanio.
- D'Ascanio!

(Laughing)

(Retching on TV)

MAN ON TV: Whoa.

(Laughing on TV)

(Groaning)

(Snoring)

(Whimpering)

(Snoring)

(Whispering)

Wayne?

(Whispers) What?

Are you awake?

Yeah.

Is there someone that you like?

What?

Do you like someone?

Are you sleep walking right now?

No, I don't think so.

Well, I think
my sweetie's pretty cool.

Rosie?

Yeah.

Thought so.

Why?

It's because...

It's because...

there's someone that I like.

Do you really?

Yeah, I like someone.

What?

Katy?

Yeah.

- Are you awake?
- Yeah.

- Dary likes someone.
- Wayne!

Do you really?

No!

Yes, he does.

No, but it's not
your place to tell.

She was probably awake before
when you said it, though.

No, but it's not
your place to tell.

Who is it?

Oh, my God.

Dary, your breath is so
f*ckin' bad right now.

- I know.
- Oh, my God.

- Do we know her?
- Who?

- Holy f*ck.
- The girl you like.

No, I meant does who know her?

Me and Wayne!

Dary, your breath is seriously
so bad, I'm gonna
f*cking puke.

I know. It's so bad.

Yes, you guys both know her.

BOTH: Who?

(Farting)

ROALD:

Stewart.

- What?
- You're awake?

- Am I awake?
- Yeah.

- Concretely.
- Was that you?

- What?
- That farted.

No.

It smells like it was you.

(Sniffing)

It does smell like it was me.

Yeah.

I must have woken
myself up with a fart.

I do that sometimes too.

- Stewart.
- What?

Who do you like?

(Chuckling) What?

Do you like anyone?

- Yeah.
- Really?

- Yeah.
- Who?

(Farting)

- Gail?
- Yeah?

- Did you just fart?
- Yeah.

Why?

I was trying to
wake you guys up.

Why?

So, we could talk about boys.

That's really bad.

There's a handful stacked
on top of each other.

- What?
- Because...

Because it didn't work
the first few tries.

How many times did you try?

- Five or six.
- Seven.

- Rosie?
- What?

- You're awake?
- Yeah.

Gail just farted
five or six times.

- Seven.
- Seven?

- Was it seven?
- Yeah.

Did I wake you up with
the very first one, cousint'?

Can confirm, cousint'.

And then you just
listened to six more farts

without saying anything?

- Yeah.
- Why?

Because...

Because they got progressively
more captivating.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Thanks, cuz.

(Phone buzzing)

Oh, my God.

I just hit up Bonnie McMurray.

What?

I just hit up Bonnie McMurray.

I heard you.

I just hit up Bonnie McMurray.

What?

I just hit up
Bonnie McMurray, too.

I heard you. Why?

Take a run at 'er.

Take a big run at 'er.

You, too?

g*n it.

g*n it straight across the room.

I figured she's always
been lukewarm to the idea.

So, over time I'd just
keep takin' runs at 'er.

Consistency.

Consistency not persistency.

Broads love getting run at,
but you can't be, like,

you can't be, like, annoying.

That's why I always say
consistency not persistency.

Take a run at 'er,
then wait a bit?

BOTH: Yeah.

Figured it's been a little while

since I taken a run at 'er so.

Yeah, it's been a while since
I taken a run at 'er, too.

So, now's a good time to
take a run at 'er then.

When's the last time
you took a run at 'er?

A few months ago.

And they just circle
back every few months?

Could set your watch to it.

Would you ever let 'em in there?

Reilly or Jonesy?

What's the difference?

You outta put some
work on that boy, Bonno.

Reilly or Jonesy?

- What's the difference?
- Ha.

Gotta put a little work on 'em.

What if I invited them here?

You can both put
a little work on 'em.

(Both chuckling)

Going to crawl in with Wayne?

Someone's gotta
keep me warm tonight.

- ROALD: Stewart.
- What?

Is there really someone
that you like though?

- Yeah.
- Really?

- Yeah.
- Who?

It doesn't matter.

- Yes, it does.
- No, it doesn't.

Yes, it does!

Fine.

- (Farting)
- Stewart!

- Roald.
- Seriously!

She's out of my league.

You made love to Aly-cat and
Biancadonk at the same time.

Well...

No one is out of your league.

- Bonnie McMurray.
- (Gasping)

(All hissing)

Did you just say
Bonnie McMurray?

Well, ever since
Dan got a sweetie

there's less competition
than there once was.

Can I please wingman this?

No.

Please, please, please, please.

- Leave it.
- No.

Can you just leave it?

I already invited her
over here, super chief.

That's booty call territory.

Where you going?

Crawl in with Rosie.

(Phone buzzing)

She's on her way over.

GAIL: But Reilly and Jonesy
are on their way here.

So?

So, two is better than one.

- I just wanna snuggle.
- I don't.

Guess you're gonna
have to put a little

work on 'em then, cousint'. Ah!

- Ah.
- Yeah.

'Kay.

(Both hissing)

Go to her, Stewart.

It's the middle of the night.

- That's romance.
- That's stalking.

She was at Gail's an hour ago
on her Instagram story.

Huh. We are literally
asking for stalkers

from our social medias
these days, aren't we?

Stewart.

Roald.

Go to her?

♪

♪ Would you really wanna
make it alone if you could ♪

♪ Wanna,
wanna make you feel good ♪

♪ You feel it out,
but you don't quite
know if you should ♪

♪ Wanna, wanna make
you feel good ♪

♪ It won't happen
if I ain't happening ♪

♪ Oh, why don't you
make the call? ♪

♪ I want me some satisfaction ♪

♪ Oh, no, why don't
you make the call? ♪

♪ I like to go fast,
I like to go far ♪

♪

♪ Won't you open the door,
get in my car ♪

♪

♪ Don't have to be alone,
don't have to be hard ♪

♪

♪ Won't you open that door,
get you into my car ♪

♪ Open up the door
get you in the car ♪

♪

♪ Only ever wanna get
you alone if I should ♪

♪ Wanna, wanna
make you feel good ♪

♪ You fell in love,
but just in Hollywood ♪

♪ Wanna, wanna
make you feel good ♪

♪ You bring caution,
I'll bring the action ♪

♪ Oh, no, why don't
you make the call? ♪

♪ I'm all talk and
you're all attraction ♪

♪ Oh, no, no, no,
you make the call ♪

♪ I like to go fast,
I like to go far ♪

♪

♪ Won't you open that door,
get in my car ♪

♪

♪ Don't have to be alone,
don't have to be hard ♪

♪