02x13 - Brothers, Babies and Breakdowns

[bunniefuu]

[BEVERLY ROSE CRYING]

So, uh...

are you just gonna let Lil Bev
keep crying like that?

Yes, I am.

[TAB POPS]

She's learning to cry it out.

So, if I'm stuck under a log,
screaming for help,

you're just gonna let me cry it out?

No, first, I'm gonna laugh.

Then I'm gonna let you cry it out

so you learn how to sleep
through the night under a log.

Look, Becky told us
to let her self-soothe.

[CRYING CONTINUES]

Oh. Wait.

See? It's working.

And... [CLICK]

...she's asleep.

[BABBLING]

Hey.

[COOS]

It's been an hour.

She's got to go back to sleep.

She's not a toy.

No, no, she's not.

She's a powerful, tiny woman

whose whole foot fits in my mouth.

Rowr. [CHUCKLES]

You know, when Becky gets home,
you're gonna have

one foot in your mouth
and one foot upside your ass.

[SIGHS]
- Put the baby back in her crib.

Oh, come.

Otherwise, I'm gonna go
sleep on the couch.

Mmm. [SNIFFS]

Oh, but her head smells
so much better than your head.

And your beard smells
like French onion soup.

You really want to get into this?

[CHUCKLES]

- Oh.
- [DOOR CLOSES]

Oh, you are the best baby
in the world.

Yes, you are!

Aww.

I want one just like you.

♪

♪

♪

♪

"The Conners" is filmed in
front of a live studio audience.

Thanks for everything, Dad.

Without you, we never would have
been able to open tomorrow.

Well, thanks for paying me
with a hug.

And, I assume,
a lifetime of free stew.

How about a lifetime of free hugs

and stew for a week?

Sold.

And thank you, too, Dwight.

You've been a huge help.

No need to fuss over me.

I'm uncomfortable
being in the spotlight.

I like to be the handmaiden,
not the queen.

- JACKIE: You're not sculpting the "David."
- [SLOW CHOPPING]

You're chopping carrots, Barry.
Chop faster!

[CHOPPING QUICKENS]
Chop faster! Chop...

- [CHOPPING STOPS]
- Uh-oh. Oh!

Oh, good Lord!

Oh!

Put that finger in milk!

Ugh!

We have an emergency, Dan.

Can you drive our cook
to the hospital?

How bad is he bleeding?

Is he sitting in the cab
or the flatbed?

Oh, this is flatbed.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, we open in 10 hours.

- Ohh!
- Oh, my God! Oh!

Becky, Becky, you got to be the chef.

I don't know to cook
for a whole restaurant!

Unless you want me to breast-feed

the entire lunch crowd.

[CHUCKLES]

That actually set my mind to wander.

But maybe I can help out.
I used to do a little cooking.

This is not a time to fool around.

Do you have real restaurant experience?

'Cause this isn't like grabbing a
squirrel by the side of the road

and cooking it on your carburetor!

The carburetor
doesn't get hot enough.

It's the manifold.

And I'll have you know, I used
to be a chef at Applebee's.

No way! Really?

How come we didn't
know that about you?

Oh, I think, with the hair and
the beard, people just assume...

Nobody cares, Custer.

Get in the kitchen,

start prepping the stew
so it's ready in the morning.

Is this gonna be
the kind of restaurant

where people say "please"?

Oh, for God's sakes.

Please!

Is this gonna be
the kind of restaurant

where people take
- the Lord's name in vain?

You might want to be the handmaiden,

but I'm getting all kinds of queen.

♪

Behold the most dangerous baby
in the world.

So dangerous that she must be
kept away from the populace,

in a nylon cage.

Oh, so, you're one of those
obituary guys, huh?

Yeah.

I always read them
hoping that somebody d*ed

that I owe money to.

[LAUGHS]

Just once, I'd like to see
a credit-card company in here.

[CHUCKLES]

Hmm.

Somebody in here I actually know.

How? How much did you owe them?

Are we having pizza crust and eggs,

or are we going out for breakfast?

My father.

What?

I'm sorry, Dan.

Are you okay?

Oh, I'm fine.
I haven't seen him in 20 years.

And based on this,
I see that trend continuing.

I'm sorry about your grandpa.
How are you doing?

Oh, I'm okay.

I mean, he was kind of a
deadbeat when my dad was young,

and then as soon as he had
a second family,

we never really saw him at all.

I mean, I honestly didn't
even remember

that he was still alive.

Who was alive?

Grandpa Ed.

He's alive?

No.

Not anymore.

So, what the hell happened
last night?

I get home from work,
and you're on the couch,

and I found Beverly Rose

sleeping on Ben's chest upstairs.

Well, uh, all the crying
made Ben's milk come in,

so we didn't want to waste it.

Ohh.

Ohh.

I'm sorry.

I just wanted the baby
to hear a heart

that's not made of stone.

- [BEVERLY ROSE COOS]
- Eh, we're working on our words today.

Is it okay if we go downstairs

and learn the name of
everything in your room?

Knock yourself out.

But stay away from
the top drawer in my nightstand.

It's only for Mommy.

[SINGSONG VOICE]
Your boyfriend wants a baby.

Oh, you are out of
your pickled alcoholic mind.

You know, he's never around babies,

so he just thinks of it as a toy.

As soon as he breaks a couple
parts off, he'll lose interest.

[NORMAL VOICE] I don't know.

Let's check in on them, shall we?

Uncle Ben worries that you're lonely

and that maybe you could use
a little cousin to play with.

It's a special burden
being right all the time.

T-This is crazy.

He's never said anything
about wanting a baby before.

You need to talk to him.

Yeah, I will, but this is stupid.

I mean, even if I wanted one,
he knows I'm like 100.

Hey, you might still have
a couple pterodactyl eggs

rolling around in that
prehistoric womb of yours.

Alright, I guess I deserve that

for all the jokes I made
about your wrinkled uterus.

You said my cervix was where
they filmed "Golden Girls."

[LAUGHING] Oh, yeah.

Ssss!

♪

Well? How's my stew?

Jiminy Cricket on a cr*cker,
this is good!

Well, you feel like you got this?

- You bet.
- 'Cause it's opening day.

And just remember,
you're the only thing

standing between me
and sleeping on the street.

And it's not just me...
it's Becky and her baby,

and I'm pretty sure we're on the hook

for a prosthetic finger for Barry.

Uh, yeah, I put every dime
I've got into this place.

It's all on you, buddy.

Go get 'em!

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

Okay.

Oop.

Hey, Dad, where you going?

Somebody called me to bid on a job.

Can't it wait?
I mean, your dad just d*ed.

It takes time to process
something like that.

You're right.

There, processed.

[SIGHS]

Men are all over the map.

My dad buries all his emotions,

and you giggle like
a pothead watching SpongeBob

when you're with the baby.

[CHUCKLES] Oh.

Becky actually thought...

you're gonna love this...

that you want to have a baby with me.

[CHUCKLES]

Come on, laugh along with me.

Wouldn't you love to have a baby?

God, no.
They're soul-sucking monsters.

Okay, I can see you're on the fence.

Ben, I-I-I'm broke.

I've already got two kids,

and we're trying to start a business.

This is literally
the worst possible time.

Oh, well, uh, you know,
10 years from now,

when we regret not doing it,
will be a worse time.

I'm willing to live
with your regrets.

Come on!

We could have a great baby.

A baby that's half me and half you

would be smart and funny and...

whatever you bring to the table.

Why are you dropping
this b*mb on me now?

I... guess I always knew
I wanted a baby.

It's just that
now we're back together,

and things are going so great
between us,

having a baby would make it
that much better.

[SCOFFS]

That just proves you know nothing

about how hard it is to raise a kid.

I mean, you've never been dog-tired

because the baby won't sleep
or worried out of your mind

because you've never seen
a fever that high.

And then there's
all the emotional stuff,

when they're crying their eyes out

because they were bullied

or they weren't invited
to the cool party.

Well, since it's half my kid,

it's getting invited
to the cool parties.

Ben... I love you.

I-I just can't do it again.

Okay, w-well,
can't we just talk about it more?

I'm sorry.

I can't go back to the beginning.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

- Come on in!
- [DOOR OPENS]

But if you're selling
something, we, uh...

well, we probably already have it.

Wow. Hey. Dan Conner.

You called me about a drywall job?

Yeah.

I'm Ed.

Did your cleaning lady
take the week off,

or is she somewhere
underneath all this?

Funny guy.

It was my dad's house,
and he, uh, just d*ed.

Yeah, he was all...
screwed up towards the end.

He was living in this.

[SIGHS] I'm sorry.

When you get old,
you get a little eccentric.

I got chickens in my backyard.

I never thought I'd be that guy.

No, I know
what kind of guy you are...

bro.

Is there a problem?

You seem a little pissed off.

I have the right to be... Dan.

I'm Ed's son... Ed Jr.

Got it now... big bro?

[GASPS]

Little Ed.

It's been like 20 years.

Why didn't you just
tell me that on the phone?

Because I knew you wouldn't come.

So you decided to ambush me instead?

You didn't even know
our dad was sick.

While you were off
living your carefree life,

my sister and I dropped
everything to take care of him

until the day he d*ed with nothing.

Looks like he d*ed with everything.

[SIGHS]

What do you want from me?

I don't have enough money to fix
this place up so I can sell it.

You're gonna help me fix it.

You owe me.

I don't owe you a damn thing.

I don't owe him a damn thing.

He was a lowlife son of a bitch

who treated me and my mother
like garbage his whole life.

That's exactly
what my dad said you'd say.

Told me you were a liar
who only cared about himself.

Well, he must've been looking
in the mirror when he said that.

Oh, really?

If you're such a great guy, how
come you never even tried once

to get in touch with him or me?!

I did! I did!

Boy.

I got to hand it to the old man.

Nobody could sell a load of crap
better than that guy!

You know something?

I didn't feel anything
when I found out he d*ed.

Now I feel pretty good about it.

You better shut your mouth,
or I'm gonna shut it for you.

Are you threatening me?

'Cause I can knock you stupid

with about eight things
within arm's reach.

Let's throw, old times.

Bring it.

You hit the king,
you better k*ll him.

Not worth it.

I didn't think so.

You know what?

I'm taking this microwave
'cause you wasted my time.

And all the TV Guides inside.

♪

Dwight! Open the damn door!

DWIGHT: Go away, Jackie.
I can't talk to you.

He's still in there?

If we don't get him cooking soon,

people are gonna start leaving

and we're not gonna get them back.

Thanks for the tip,
master of the obvious!

Let me try.

Uh, Dwight, Jackie's gone.

What's going on?

I got the jitters.

What's that?

I'm sweating, my heart's pounding,

and I feel like I'm fixin' to die.

You know, the jitters.

[WHISPERING] It's a panic att*ck.

Okay, you go back out front.
I got this.

Don't make me go out there!

[SIGHS] It's getting ugly.

We've armed them
with forks and knives!

- Dwight?
- [DOORKNOB RATTLES]

Dwight, you might not know this,
but I am formerly

Lanford's number-one
professional life coach,

and my clinical training
is in the jitters.

[SIGHS] Okay.

Okay, first,
we're gonna calm you down.

I want you to take a short breath,

followed by a very long exhale.

- [INHALES SHARPLY]
- Good. Good!

You keep doing that.

Now, Dwight, what is going on?

I don't think I can do this job.

Why? Everything I've tasted
so far has been fantastic!

It's not the cooking.
It's the baseball.

Of course it is.

Been anxious my whole life.

Baseball was an escape...

'til I got into the minor leagues.

I was a pitcher
for the Midland Rockhounds,

and I was so good

that they scheduled me
to pitch on opening day.

Uh-huh. Okay.

Restaurant folding up outside,
but go on. Continue.

Before the game, the manager says,

"Everyone's depending on you."

My head started spinning.

And then when you said,
"It's all on you"...

- Oh.
- ...started getting the same feeling.

Oh, Dwight. I'm getting it now.

- No, no, no. No, no! Exhale!
- No, no. I'm getting it now.

Dwight. Dwight. Exhale.

Dwight! Dwight!

You're picturing yourself on a beach.

It's quiet. You're alone.

And no one needs anything from you.

- [POUNDING ON DOOR]
- BECKY: People are leaving!

We're dying out here, Jackie!

We're on a private beach, Becky!

[DOOR OPENS]

[CLEARS THROAT]

[SNIFFLES]

What do you want?

I got to thinking

about the quality family time
we spent together today,

and I remembered
I had something at the house

I always wanted to give to you.

10 letters I wrote
to you and your sister,

all sent to the last house
you lived in...

all returned

with "Not at this address"
written on them.

Recognize the handwriting?

Yeah.

I guess it looks like my dad's.
So what?

He wanted to keep us apart.

I abandoned him
for what he did to me.

But I never wanted to abandon you.

I don't know what to do
with any of this.

You want me to hate him
like you do, and I can't.

- He was a...
- [SIGHS]

He was a good dad to me.

Hey, you're lucky.

You can miss your dad.

Doesn't feel lucky.

Thanks for these.

Yeah.

Hey.

There's about four years' worth
of "Happy birthdays" in there.

I got to admit, I took out all
the scratchers and tried 'em.

I won millions.

But I blew it all on private jets,

dinners with Madonna.

Chick eats like a horse.

Madonna joke.

[CLICKS TONGUE] Fresh.

Hey, want to go grab a few beers,

maybe get something to eat?

You paying?

[CHUCKLES]

I'm not trying
to act like a big sh*t,

but you're looking at a guy

who's getting free stew for a week.

[CLICKS TONGUE]

Dwight's back on the grill.
Sorry for the delay, everybody.

Dessert's on us.

How'd you get him out?

Well, a panic att*ck
is a downward spiral

of fear and panic.

The more fear, the more panic.

So one way to break the cycle
is you get them

to mindfully focus on something
that holds their attention.

So what did you do? [CLEARS THROAT]

I told him he was on a private beach

that had a topless life coach.

You showed him your boobs?

Uh... I can't say.

Life coach-client privilege.

But, uh...

[CHUCKLES]

...he thought they were amazing.

♪

I want a hamster,
and Doctor Woofy agrees.

[DEEP VOICE]
Mary should have a hamster.

I need your car! Quick!

- Why?
- I got to get to work.

MARK: Who cares? I have a unit test.

Everyone else in the world
has a hamster but me!

Just give me the keys.

Alright, when was
the Battle of Antietam?

1862. Ask me something hard.

I'm gonna lose my job
if I don't go now!

[BEVERLY ROSE CRYING]

Food's coming, Beverly Rose.
Food's coming.

Boy, you look like you're having fun.

Yeah.

Hey, I like a challenge.

Uh, you know, you could've texted me.

Could've. I didn't need to.

I don't have time for this.
I got to get to work.

Keys.

I know you're not going
to work with those shoes.

You're going to a party.

Uh-huh.

Here.

Feed Lil Bev,
and I'll pay for your Uber.

Good catch for an amateur.

Mm.

Alright, you two
are gonna go upstairs.

You're gonna study.
I'll quiz you later.

You're gonna write down
all 10 reasons

why a puppet dog
would like a hamster,

and then you're gonna
send it to your dad.

[SIGHING] Oh, man.

[CHUCKLING] You're right.
This is, uh... This is hard.

[LAUGHS]

But I, uh, think
I handled myself pretty well.

You did... for 10 minutes.

[CHUCKLES]

Try doing it by yourself
for nine years.

But you wouldn't be doing
it by yourself this time.

We'd be doing it together.

Yeah, that's what David said.

In case you haven't noticed,

I'm made of tougher stuff than David.

Alright?

I don't run when things get hard.

I walk slowly, like I'm leaving
the room to get something.

And in case you need more convincing,

you asked David to
watch your kids for a second.

He went to South America
for nine years.

You cheated on me.

You broke my heart.

I'm still here.

Mm.

[PEN CLICKS]

What's that?

A contract.

Says that I will think
about having a baby.

Oh, my God!

Well, this... this is fantastic!

[LAUGHS]

Now, I'm just gonna think about it.

And only if you agree
that if we do have a baby...

or babies, God forbid...

and you bail,
then you get sole custody.

[LAUGHS]

Well, I will sign that.

[CHUCKLES]

Uh, wait a second.

You're giving me
Harris and Mark, too?

That's right... punitive damages.

[LAUGHS]

♪

Alright, our first day
is officially over.

Becky, how'd we do?

Not counting credit cards...

[ADDING MACHINE WHIRS]

...$1,100!

[CHEERING]

Hey, everybody.

This is Ed.

Hey, everybody.

ALL: Hey.

Hi, Ed.

Uh, are you working with my grandpa?

Yeah, we're...
doing a little project.

That's cool.

So I'll probably see you around.

Hey, Harris.

Yes?

You just hit on your great-uncle.

Oh, my... Oh, my G...

I-I-I'm so sorry.

[AS HILLBILLY]
What's a matter, Harris?

Yer kinfolk ain't good enough fer ya?

[LAUGHS]

You touch her, I'll k*ll you.