02x15 - Beards, Thrupples and Robots

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

So, I just got off the
phone with the bank,

and apparently, I've
gone past overdraft

into something they're
gonna call "backdraft",

which means I'm on fire.

[CHUCKLES]

I need money fast, or
I'm gonna lose my car.

Until we sell some ads,

there is no money coming in.

And I'm out there busting my ass,

but it is just really
tough to get people

to commit to a magazine
that doesn't exist yet.

So, what are you saying?

Y-You're saying this
may not actually happen?

I don't know.

I told you, new businesses are
hard to get off the ground.

Well, I mean, I don't
know what I'm gonna do.

I was barely getting
by when I had a job.

I haven't worked in months.

I maxed out all my credit cards,

including the one that
came in Becky's name

that she doesn't even know about.

I'm gonna have to get another job.

What am I gonna do?

Other than writing, I'm
basically unemployable.

Oh, come on. You're gonna be fine.

You have lots of skills.

Don't make me name them.

Hi. Are the machines empty?

Hey, um, it's great to get to see you

when you come over to do laundry.

Is there a way I can enjoy your company

that doesn't cost me
water and electricity?

I'm not going to the laundromat.

Last time, I caught some weirdo

smelling one of my bras.

I don't care if he works there.

It's not cool.

Hey, you know,

Harris works at Price Warehouse.

Maybe she could help
get you a job there.

Oh, God. Has it come to that?

Alright, I guess I could ask her,

but she wouldn't even let me work

in her pretend bakery when she was 7.

She said I depressed the customers.

[LAUGHS]

Hey. Quick question.

Is Price Warehouse hiring?

Yeah.

Do you know someone
who's looking for a job?

I desperately need a carpool buddy.

Yes, it's me, your mommy.

Oh. Oh.

Ah, I just got the newsletter.

All the positions have been filled.

It's crazy timing.

Harris, I wouldn't ask if
I didn't really need this.

I'm gonna lose my car.

Oof. Eye roll.

Okay, fine, I'll refer you,

but I'm not gonna lie to them.

I'll say you're my mother
and I kind of know you.

That's it.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

"The Conners" is recorded

in front of a live studio audience.

Oh. Hey, Beck.

Who's the dude with Jackie?

She's dating him.

Okay.

For once, I'm gonna vet the guy

before he leaves her a shattered wreck.

Hey, Jack, what's up?

Not much. Good to see you, Dan.

Your takeout order's on the counter.

Don't mind if I do.

Dan Conner, Jackie's brother-in-law.

- Ron Dunchak.
- [SIGHS]

I'm sorry for interrupting,

but I love to meet people.

What is it you do, Ron?

I'm retired.

I had parsley farms.

Made a great living on something

people pick out of their food.

What a coincidence.

I throw away your product
every time I see it.

- [LAUGHS]
- Wow.

[DOOR CLOSES]

I can't help admiring
that wedding ring, Ron.

- What a beaut.
- Happily married 30 years.

- And here she is.
- Hi.

I'm sorry. Becky told
me this was a date.

It is.

Dan, this is my lovely wife, Janelle.

Hi, Dan.

I'm confused, so I'm gonna go.

Have a nice time

doing whatever each
of you thinks this is.

What the hell is going on?

You told me she was dating that guy.

Oh, she is.

And the girl.

The guy and the girl.

You getting this, old-timer?

So, Jackie, we're
all having a great time.

- Mm-hmm.
- And it just seems like

things would naturally
progress to the next level.

And we were just wondering,

how many times do you
usually go out with someone

before, you know, you...
you sleep with them?

Oh, goodness, um, pbst, I don't know.

Um, 30, 40 times.

Um, what were you guys thinking?

Oh. [CHUCKLES]

So, we're there?

[CHUCKLES] Okay.

How does this work?

Do you go make a sandwich
while we're doing it,

and then when you two are doing it,

do I go make a sandwich?

Or [CHUCKLES] am I the sandwich?

[LAUGHTER]

Ohh. Well...

Janelle thought all three
of us should be together.

Yeah, right, 'cause when
I Googled "thrupple",

that seemed to be pretty standard.

Yeah, I mean, I think
it would make everybody

the most comfortable.

I've never been with
a woman, Jackie. Have you?

Just myself, but that has not gone well.

- ♪♪
- _

Oh, hey, Harris. What do you think?

Mother-daughter beauty pageant.

We wear these? Huh?

[CHUCKLES]

You got the job. Congratulations.

So, who's going to be training

our newest and oldest team member?

Well, I was trying to decide
who was gonna train your mom.

Then, I thought, "Hey,
what's more comfortable

than being trained by your own child?"

Yeah. Um, do you have any kids?

No, I don't.

Oh, okay, then this makes more sense.

[SCOFFS] I can't believe
they're making me do this.

Oh, you think this is bad for you?

Try taking orders from the person

who took off her diaper

and made me chase her
through the airport.

Oh! What was that?

That's Schneider.

He's one of our automated associates

who sweeps the floor.

Oh.

I think he just hit me on purpose.

[SCOFFS] It's a robot, Mom.

You're just so small,

he probably thought you were
something that fell off a shelf.

Okay, let's get to work.

I am now going to show you

how we do the Price Warehouse fold.

- Go. Arm.
- [SIGHS]

- Arm.
- Mm-hmm.

- Shoulder.
- Mm-hmm.

Shoulder. Chop, flip.

Your turn.

[SIGHS]

Uh, no.

No.

No.

Unh-unh.

No.

Good God, woman, does it
have to be exactly that way?

Yes.

Sheila is going to be judging me

on how well I train you.

So make sure everything in this section

is folded properly
while I finish inventory.

Just follow the one I did.

[SIGHS]

Okay.

Arm... arm...

shoulder... shoulder...

chop... flip.

Oh, yeah! Who's your mommy?

Um, oh, I'm sorry.

I think maybe your
size is on the bottom.

Uh, it's... it's on the bottom.

The bottom.

The very bottom.

It's on the damn bottom.

No! Go home.

Uh, I am so sorry, ma'am.

I'm a sales associate.
How may I help you?

I'm looking for an XL.

Of course.

That is just right here on the bottom.

[SCOFFS]

Somebody should have told you. [SIGHS]

You can't tell the customers to go home.

Not even the stupid ones?

You asked for this job,

and what you do reflects on me.

So get it together and fold these.

The first three letters
of "associate" are "ass".

What did you say?

What? Oh, nothing.

[CLEARS THROAT]

♪♪

[GROANING]

How was your first day?

Uh, I folded sweatshirts

and a robot pushed himself against me.

Did you report it?

'Cause you'll never win.

Robots cover up for other robots.

The real problem is
they made Harris my boss.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, my God, that's hilarious!

They just made me a Price
Warehouse customer for life.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[SIGHING] Hey.

- What the hell happened to your face?
- [CHUCKLES]

What do you mean, what happened?

I shaved.

Without asking me?

I need your permission to
do something with my face?

Uh, well, yeah. I'm the one
that's got to look at it all day.

[LAUGHS]

Well, what's wrong with my face?

There's just too much of it.

So, you're saying I'm fat?

Oh, no, no, no, of course not.

It's just, your face...
you got a fat face.

[BEVERLY ROSE CRYING]

Oh, uh, hey, bring little Bev up.

I'll take care of her for you.

Nah, she's gonna look
at all this pale flesh

and be confused because
there's no nipple on it.

Look, I thought I'd have a
better sh*t at selling ads

as a clean-cut businessman,

and I was right.

These newly revealed dimples
just got the guy at Garage Depot

interested in running a two-page spread.

- Oh, my God, that is fantastic!
- [CHUCKLES]

Now I can tell Harris I'm quitting

and then make her fold
all my sweatshirts.

Whoa! Hang on.

Now, he won't do anything

until he sees a sample
of the new magazine first,

so I need articles,
the layout, everything.

Alright, well, how long do I have?

Well, as soon as possible.

I don't want to lose this guy.

And these dimples
only mesmerize for so long.

Hey, uh, what do you think?

Does this look right
for a fancy restaurant?

Should I change? I should change.

You look fine. Why are you so nervous?

Tonight's the night
with Ron and Janelle.

Uh, I, uh...

I shaved my entire body.

I don't know who's going where,

so I cleared the decks.

Ready for this?

Yeah, I really care about them,

and sex is a natural
expression of closeness

between... three people.

Sorry, I-I couldn't help but overhear.

Can I offer a man's point of
view that might be helpful?

Sure.

Are you out of your damn mind?!

You're a third wheel.

At some point, they're
gonna get tired of you

and you're gonna get your heart broken.

You just don't understand
our relationship.

You're way too square
to get any of this.

I'm sorry, but nature
works a certain way.

Tea for? Two.

Bicycle built for? Two.

Noah's ark... two lions, two giraffes.

It's not "Lady and the Tramp"

with another Tramp sucking on
the middle of the spaghetti.

Ew!

Ew!

That's... not helpful, Dan.

I will make up my mind in the moment,

and that's that.

I think it's exciting.

But if you change your mind, remember,

"no" means "no"...

and "no".

♪♪

Oh, and I moved the
"Mug sh*t of the Week" column

to the front page so that it pops.

Oh, yeah, that makes sense.

Hey, how are you able to do this at work?

What are you doing?

Are you [CHUCKLES]...

Are you hiding in a dressing room?

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

SHEILA: Darlene, are you in there?

Ooh, busted. Later.

Hey, team, what are you guys doing
here? Shouldn't you be working?

You're responsible
for your crew, Harris.

When they fail, you fail.

And when you fail, I fail.

And I am this close

to going to the managers'
conference in Branson.

Two words... The... Judds.

Do you have any idea how
bad this makes me look?

You just got me in huge trouble.

Well, I'm sorry. I had to finish this.

It's really important.

So is your job.

Hey, can't you just cover for me?

You know how many times
I got you out of P.E.?

If anybody had their period
that many times in a year,

they'd need a transfusion.

This isn't P.E., Mom.

This is the real world.

Uh, no, it isn't.

This is the third ring of Hell,

where you fold the same sweatshirt

over and over for an eternity.

You know, you're right.

You're way too good for this place.

So I'm gonna save you the
bother of coming in anymore.

You're fired.

What?

You can't fire your mother.

You're not my mother.

You're Darlene from Women's Apparel,

and she sucks.

Don't forget to leave
your vest on the way out.

Oh! Oh, no, not the vest!

Don't make me leave the vest!

What will I wear to meet the queen?!

♪♪

That dinner was amazing.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Right?

Lobster was a little
garlicky, don't you think?

It was, wasn't it? Mints, everyone?

- Oh. Yes.
- Oh. Yeah.

Mm. Ron.

- Mmm.
- Mmm.

Mmm.

Mm-hmm.

[CHUCKLES]

Mm.

How about some champagne?

Oh, yes, I'll take a bottle.

[LAUGHS] I'll get it.

- Thanks, honey.
- [CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES] Oh, well, wow.

"The History of Parsley".

Well [CHUCKLES] you
don't see that every day.

[GASPS]

Oh, uh, I guess you
got started without me.

Well, we, uh, started
talking about parsley,

and as you can imagine,
one thing led to another.

Ron, I thought we agreed,

we were all gonna do this together.

I was just trying to break the
ice, make Jackie more comfortable.

Oh, no, don't worry about me.

I've got a bottle of
comfortable right here.

I'm just saying that I
could have been in the room

when we were making
Jackie more comfortable.

We're all here to have
a good time, Janelle.

- That's great. When does my good time start?
- Janelle.

- Ron.
- Hey, Ron,

uh, if you kiss Janelle,

we can all be even and start fresh.

Maybe Ron's tired of kissing me.

At least, that's what
he told the therapist.

I didn't say "tired of".

I said it felt like work.

Time to clock in, Ron.

Start kissing Janelle.

I don't think Janelle
wants to be kissed.

I think Janelle wants to be mad.

Uh, you know, I was, uh,

formerly Lanford's leading life coach,

and I have found, what
really helps in situations...

You know, this isn't
gonna make you a man.

You failed at parsley,

and you failed as a husband.

Everything you touch dies!

Well, I've been touching
myself for 20 years,

and I'm not dead.

I love Jackie.

You love what, now?

Come on, Jackie, you
feel it, too, don't you?

Uh, I think this would be a good time

for me to get my swan and skedaddle.

Take me with you, Jackie.

No, not happening, Ron.

I wanted a nice old-fashioned threesome,

and you had to go make it weird!

Oh, I have to vent to somebody.

Your sister is out of her mind.

I only put up with it

because she's a joy to be around.

She completely disrespected
me, so I had to fire her.

She comes in and she starts
immediately screwing off,

and she gets me in trouble.

She doesn't care
that she's ruining my life.

Well, she's horrible.

We thought you knew.

You really think I'm ruining your life?

We got to talk. Give us a minute.

Of course.

Don't try to blame this on me.

You could have given
me a couple more hours

to finish the mockup.

You just don't get that I'm an adult now

and this is actually my career.

[SCOFFS] Okay.

You want me to treat you like an adult?

Here's a truth I would never tell a kid.

I'm desperate.

Please. We're all desperate.

No, you don't get it.

If Mark and I weren't here,
living with your grandpa,

we would be on the street.

What do you mean?

You're starting that
magazine up with Ben, right?

You're gonna be okay.

But that may never happen.

And this is my only sh*t at
having some kind of future.

Wow.

I-I guess I didn't
realize how bad it was.

I'm sorry, Mom.

Well, I appreciate that,

but you already fired
me, so it's too late.

Oh, I'm not sorry I fired you.

I'm sorry I called you a bitch.

No, you... you didn't call me a bitch.

I did, after you left.

♪♪

Hey, how'd your date go last night?

Did you make God cry
with your triangle of sin?

No, Dan, I did not.

And you were wrong.

They did not break up with me.

They broke up with each other over me.

I'm so sorry, Jackie.

Not as sorry as I am.

I shaved places that were
not meant to have stubble.

Ugh.

Could light a match off my inner thigh.

Guess what.

We're in business.

Just got a call from
the Garage Depot guy.

He loved the mockup and
committed for months!

- Yes!
- [LAUGHS]

This is amazing!

[LAUGHS]

Ye gods! What did you do?!

What happened to my
beautiful hairy woodsman?

You know, I do have feelings in here.

Aww.

Oh, it feels like warm bologna

that's been sitting in the sun.

Feel it.

Okay, just come on,

get it out of your system

so we can all get on with our lives.

Gross. It's like the bottom of a foot.

No, no, it's softer.

It's like the flappy part
of an old woman's arm

when she's waving goodbye.

Okay, enough!

Dan, help me out here.

Every man has the right
to shave his own face.

I, for one, think it looks good.

I got tired of looking
at that alpaca's ass.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Hi.

Hey, what are you doing here?

Aren't you supposed to be at work?

I got fired.

- Aw, no.
- Oh.

No, wait, was it because of me?

No, stupid robot replaced us all.

Turns out he wasn't
just sweeping the floors.

He was also secretly doing inventory.

Are they still gonna
help you go to college?

- No.
- Oh.

Aw, man. Sorry, honey.

Can I stay here tonight?

Yeah, of course.

Hey, you know it's gonna be okay, right?

Hey, cheer up.

Look at Ben's face.

It's funny, right?

Looks like somebody stuck eyes on a ham.

Hey, that couple over there
wants to talk to you.

I'm just helping out, so I
don't want to get involved.

Oh, man, I hope they didn't
order the lamb goulash.

I told Dwight to throw that out.

No, they haven't ordered anything yet.

I don't think they're
looking for the food.

They've both been checking Jackie out.

I think they're looking for a thrupple.

Oh, darn.

When you're in a small town,
I guess everybody talks.

Well, I know I told
everybody who came in.

Come over there with me.

The guy's wearing a giant cross.

Might be a weirdo.

Uh, may I help you?

Oh, I certainly hope so.

But, honestly,

we're only looking for one other person.

But we'd take two.

Well, I'm sorry.

I know what you may have heard,

but I'm really not a part
of that lifestyle anymore.

What about the boy?

Well, that's very flattering,

but the boy's not interested, either.

[CHILD LAUGHS]