02x17 - The Icewoman Cometh

[bunniefuu]

Okay, Grandma Bev's flight
landed two hours ago.

We can't just wish this away.
Someone's got to go get her.

You're making too big
a deal out of this.

She's just gonna catch a cab,

and all we have to do is
turn off all the lights,

duck beneath the windowsills,

and remain motionless for several days.

My dad will go.

- Mary.
- What?

This morning, you said,

"They'll probably make me pick up Bev".

[CHUCKLES] No, I didn't.

Yes, you did.

Right before you said you
hope you outlast everybody

so you can pull all the plugs.

DAN: Hmm.

Hey, why don't I go pick up Bev?

I suppose you all forgot to pick me up.

I was a 94-year-old woman
alone at the airport.

I had to take a rideshare.

I could have been dragged
into a sex-trafficking ring!

Well, if anything's gonna
put an end to sex trafficking,

that's it.

Hi, Nana Bev.

Ah!

That's a fun cactus shirt.

Thank you, sweetheart.

Yeah, you picked something

that inflicts pain when you touch it.

That makes sense.

Nana!

Harris.

Well, this has been a nice visit.

Now that we're all caught up,

DJ will take you back to the airport.

Oh, it seems you're all too busy

to hear about the large sum of money

I intend to give away.

[LAUGHS]

Nice try, Nana Bev.

This is obviously a ploy
to make us be nice to you.

We all know you don't
control your money.

Darlene's got power of attorney.

You can't fool us, you old bat.

Actually, I've already
submitted legal papers

to remove Darlene

and regain my control
over my own finances.

[SARCASTICALLY] Oh, no.

Now what will take up
all of my spare time

and cause my family to resent me?

Anyway, I intend to be very generous.

You know, Nana, the bat is considered

the wise old owl of the
flying rodent kingdom.

No. It's not.

While I was in Arizona,

I realized what really matters
in this world... family...

the people I've loved so
dearly and for so long.

You have another family?

Oh, Danny. [LAUGHS]

I just don't want to die

with sacks of money under the bed.

I want to use it all
now to spread happiness.

Well, you've been doing it
the other way for so long,

you might as well try this.

I want to invest in the
future of this family...

the children.

And when I say children, I mean Mark.

Just Mark?

I was away for months,

and I never heard a
peep from any of you,

except Mark.

Mark has been writing
me letters twice a week.

What a suck-up.

I would have written you a letter

if I knew you'd give me money.

Look, I-I'm glad
you're giving it to Mark,

but what about the other kids?

I don't mean to make
a big deal about this,

but I can tell you now, um...

Beverly Rose said her
first word the other day.

It was...

"I love Nana Bev".

Really? I barely know her.

Mark is getting money because
he's been accepted into

"Camp of the Future".

[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]

Oh, well, that's great.

Is there anything else I don't know?

Are you married? You got kids?

I didn't tell you because I knew

you couldn't afford to send me.

It's a coding camp at Northwestern.

Mark worked hard to get
himself into that camp,

and I'm going to give him
$5,000 to cover his tuition.

Wow! Thank you!

This is completely unfair, Nana.

Oh, you'll be fine.

You have a pretty face and a nice shape.

If you learn to talk a little less,

you'll land a man
who'll take care of you.

Well, that's a bunch of crap.

Mark's gonna land a
man before I ever do.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

"The Conners" is recorded

in front of a live studio audience.

[LAUGHING] Hey, can I talk to you

- for a moment?
- Uh... Uh...

Look, I do really appreciate

that you gave Mark the money,

but I want to talk to you about Harris.

Oh, I know all about Harris.

She lost her job,

and then her friend, the Weed Hoe,

threw her out,

and now she's sweeping up bits of skin

at a seedy tattoo parlor.

It's not seedy.

It's at the farthest
end of the strip mall

next to Massage Envy.

And this is more than
just a job for Harris.

I mean, the artist
there says she has talent

and she would do great in tattoo school.

Tattoos?

You don't need school for that.

All you need is a drunken sailor

and something sharp to poke him with.

I think it would be fair if
you gave both kids $5,000.

I've seen your accounts.
I know you have it.

It's my money.

$5,000 or nothing at all.

Fine. Have it your way. $5,000 for each.

[SCOFFS]

It's not a Bugs Bunny cartoon, Darlene.

Alright, uh, if you can
only give it to one, then...

I mean, I guess you
should give it to Harris.

Tattooing is a real career.

She could make, like, $100,000 a year

and have her own business someday.

Mark's only 12, and he's got time.

Harris really needs the help right now.

Well, I suppose if she can make

a real living with this,

I have to think about it.

I appreciate that.

Truth be told, I have a small tattoo.

I got it the day the
Japanese surrendered.

I can't show you

because now-a-days,
it's considered "r*cist".

But you might see it

if I ever need help getting off the pot.

♪♪

So, Anne-Marie says I
gotta take the probiotics.

Now, a month ago, she was riding
me to finish my antibiotics.

I wish she'd make up her damn mind.

That's why we stay single, right, Dan?

We take what pills we
want to when we want to.

He's single because he wants to be.

You're single because
all the women in the world

had a meeting.

[CHUCK LAUGHS]

So, uh, any word from Louise, Dan?

She's on tour. That's all I know.

Man, I'd love to catch
her band sometime.

She's playing two nights in Springfield,

then she hits Peoria for a day,

Champaign for a college gig,

and that's where
they're putting "Proud Mary"

back in the set list.

I thought you unfollowed her
on Instagram when she left.

I tried, but I'm no good at that.

I ended up following six more Louises.

Oh, this Louise is redoing her kitchen.

She decided on this gray
tile that looks like wood.

Ah.

That does warm up the space.

So, which is the real Louise?

Wow! You let her get away?

You? Her?

This woman's beautiful.

This is the kind of photo
the uggos post online

to catfish hotties like me.

She's not just good-lookin',
she's a great person.

Unfortunately, it didn't work out.

I'm okay with that.

I'm fine on my own.

Old men don't do well on their own, Dan.

All I'm saying is I've
seen you with Louise, Dan.

You guys are #couplegoals.

Well, uh, I don't know
what the hell that means,

but I think I know
what Dan's problem is.

I think he's afraid of being
disappointing in the sack.

- [GROANS]
- I don't think there's a problem there.

My mom and dad had a very active
and unnaturally loud sex life.

This is not... This is different.

Your dad was with your mom for 45 years.

It's got to be a little scary
starting up with someone new.

Oh, don't worry, Dan.

There's less pressure these days.

Women know what they
want and how to get it.

I've been asked to step out
of the room multiple times.

♪♪

[SIGHS]

What are you doing here?

I had to see the drain
my money went down.

Was this really worth
breaking up the family for?

Well, I was hoping it
would break up the family,

but here you are.

- Hi, Nana Bev. Here's some tea.
- Ah.

So, they've got you working here, too?

Well, I like helping out.

Oh, I want to show you this brochure

for the coding camp.

When we're finished,

we'll have our own app and video game.

That sounds lovely.

[CHUCKLES]

But you shouldn't get ahead of yourself.

What do you mean?

You should know your mother asked me

to give your money to Harris.

What?

Why would she do that?

She feels that Harris needs it more.

She's very emphatic.

That's not fair.

Well, that's between you
and your mother, isn't it?

I got to go.

No one's taken my
order, and I'm starving.

Do you mind if I have your pickle?

Oh, it's a Dill. [CHUCKLES]

I prefer a Bread and Butter.

You can have it back.

[DOOR SLAMS]

Hey, Mark. Who makes a better cover...

stabby meth lady or heroin Easter bunny?

Nana Bev told me that you asked her

to give my camp money to Harris.

Oh, my God.

I can't believe her.

No, look, I told her to give
both of you money,

and she said only one
of you could get it.

A-And Harris is really
struggling lately.

Oh, really? I hadn't heard.

It's just the only thing
you ever talk about!

You're such a sucker for all her BS.

W-Wait. I understand why
you're mad, honey, okay?

But this is a really
critical moment for Harris.

She's finally figured out

what she wants to do with her life

after being lost for so long.

O-Okay, let me make sure I understand.

I came to you saying all I ever hear is,

"Poor Harris, poor Harris".

And you defended yourself
by saying, "Poor Harris".

Okay, yeah, I just heard it.

Uh-huh.

But you know what?
Maybe you can go next summer.

I can save a little,

and I-I bet they have scholarships.

You're so smart and talented,

I am sure that you'll qualify.

You always say that
I'm so smart and talented

and that things will work out.

What if they don't?

You never think about me.

Oh, Mark, of course I do.

Harris doesn't even need tattoo school.

Tell her to make more pot cookies.

Then she can go to prison

and learn how to make tattoos there.

You don't go to prison
for weed anymore, idiot.

What's your problem?

Mom told Nana Bev to give you my money.

Really? Aw, thanks, Mom.

I'm used to not getting
things I deserve,

but this is the first
time I've had something

and you've taken it away.

♪♪

You know, you've been out
here working on that bike

since 1988.

Is it ever gonna be done?

It's not about finishing,

it's about the zen of...
Oh, how should I put this?...

not talking to you guys.

DJ told us you left the
poker game last night

because the guys were going on

about you...

having sex with Louise.

If I had done paper instead of scissors,

Darlene would be here.

[CAN TAB POPS]

It wasn't about... that.

That's not why I left.

Oh, thank God.

So, what's going on?

The guys were talking
about how bad I screwed up,

and they're right.

I miss her, okay? I miss Louise.

That's not a bad thing.

Yes, it is,

because every time I think about

the things I'd be doing with her...

going to concerts,
bowling a few games...

anything fun,

I feel guilty because I was supposed
to be doing that with your mom.

So, you're worried that
Mom is somehow watching you,

and if she sees you
happy with someone else,

she'll be angry or something?

'Cause she'd want you to be happy.

Oh, no, no, no.

She made it very clear
that if she went first,

she wanted me to be miserable
for the rest of my life.

Well, that does sound like her.

She's here.

A paint can?

That's not Mom.

Mom's more of a [KNOCKS ON WALL]

shovel-to-the-head kind of gal.

[SIGHS]

I thought it'd be
easier as time went on.

It's not.

Yeah, I get it.

I went through something
like this after I lost Mark.

Right now, you think
Mom's not really dead,

she's just not here,

and she might walk
through that door any time.

You're afraid that if
you commit to Louise,

you'll be admitting
that Mom's gone forever.

I know she's gone forever.

Why don't you find out where
Louise's band is playing

and go see her?

[SIGHS] I messed up pretty bad.

I'm not even sure she'd want to see me.

[SCOFFS] You know, maybe
she misses you, too.

There's only one way to know for sure.

[SCREWDRIVER CLANGS]

Well, I do know where she is.

Along with six other Louises.

Hey, one of them has a taco stand

I might hit up on the way out.

♪♪

REPORTER: ... with a few sunny breaks...

Why is my bag sitting on the porch?

It wouldn't fit in the fireplace.

What did I do now?

[SCOFFS] You threw me
under the bus with Mark.

Why would you tell him
about our conversation?

I thought he deserved to know.

[SCOFFS] I-I can't believe I trusted you

to keep this between us.

God, it's so easy to be taken in by you

when you're not wearing
your Dalmatian puppy coat.

I trusted you first.

You knew I didn't want the
Lunch Box to go to Jackie,

and you gave it to her anyway.

Oh, my God.

So you told Mark just to punish me?

Did you ever stop to
think for one second

what that might do to him?

There's no reason for hysterics.

[CHUCKLES]

After all that,

you're still giving the money to Mark?

Of course.

I know which horse to put my money on,

and it's not the horse
tattooing other horses.

So you made Mark hate me,

and then after getting
Harris's hopes up,

I have to break her heart?

[CHUCKLES] Well, clearly

you've handled the situation poorly.

Get out of my house!

You don't have a house, Darlene.

It's Dan's house.

And I won't leave until Dan tells me to.

Dan, here's what happened.

Get out.

What's up?

Oh, can everyone sit down for a moment?

There's something I need
to discuss with all of you.

I am thinking of settling
the score with Grandma Bev.

I'm in. I'll get the shovel.

Alright, I still have
her power of attorney

until Monday morning.

So I'm gonna pull $5,000
out of this account

and give it to Harris.

All I need to do is click this button.

Am I doing the right thing?

Absolutely not.

There's no reason to stop at $5,000.

Clean her out.

No. I'm just taking
enough to make this right.

Let's make it so right
she's got newspaper shoes.

Hey, criminal masterminds.
Keep your voices down.

Why are we ripping off Nana Bev?

Because she was never
gonna give you the money.

It was always going to Mark.

[SIGHS] Wow.

I'm just evening things up.

Well, I appreciate the sentiment,

but it's not worth going to jail for.

You are a little small
for women's prison.

Yeah. They would pass me
around like a bag of popcorn.

But it's just not fair
the way she treated you.

I mean, she deserves to be punished.

We need to be above this.

Two wrongs don't make a right.

Don't listen to her. She's a child!

She doesn't understand
how the world works.

Eye for an eye.

Hit the button, Darlene!

Hey, no, no, no, no.

I'm not gonna do that.

I want her to know that I forgive her.

She's my Nana.

I wanna become her
friend, earn her trust.

And then, once she leaves
me everything in her will,

I'll take her for a
stroll in her wheelchair.

And as I slowly push
her into Lake Michigan,

I'll whisper that her wheelchair
backpack is filled with bricks.

Harris, you're mad,

and you're not thinking clearly.

You don't need to work
that hard. She can't swim.

♪♪

Hey. How was Model UN?

It's hopeless, even on a model level.

I have something for you.

Oh, great! I hope Harris likes it!

Just look at it.

I thought Harris was getting the money.

Nana Bev was always
gonna give it to you.

She was just mad at me,

and you got caught in the middle.

So nothing for Harris?

Poor Harris.

Now I'm saying it.

See? It comes very naturally.

Listen, I heard what you said earlier,

and you're right.

You know, you're doing so great

that that's probably why

I don't pay enough attention
to you all the time.

So, if you could jack a car

or rob a liquor store or something,

remind me you're around.

Super funny, Mom.

I really am proud of you, you know,

for getting in that camp
and for how hard you work.

I never mean to take that for granted.

- [FREEZER DOOR CLOSES]
- I'm sorry.

Hey.

Can I get a hug?

I'm not going to hold a grudge

because that's not healthy,

but I'll hug you when I'm ready.

♪ To you only ♪

♪ Honey, you ♪

♪ Are my shining star ♪

♪ Don't you go away ♪

♪♪

♪ Not now, baby ♪

♪ Wanna be ♪

♪ Right here where you are ♪

♪ Till my dying day ♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Thank you!

Good night!

Can I help you?

Yeah, I-I know Louise.
I'd like to say hi.

Yeah, alright.

And since my great-granddaughter
forgave me,

I told her I would support her

by patronizing your tattoo parlor.

[CHUCKLES] We're besties now.

So what are you looking for, Bev?

I have an old tattoo,

and I've been embarrassed
by it for many years now,

and I hope to make it less offensive.

Oh. Ooh! That is offensive.

Is there any way

we can turn the soldier into Kenny G

and the r*fle into an alto sax?

I adore Kenny G.