03x06 - Protest, Drug Test and One Leaves the Nest

[bunniefuu]

Oh, man. This Share the Wealth
protest has me all jacked up.

I'd be down there right now

yelling "Eat the 1%"
with the rest of my people

if I wasn't in this COVID death window.

Your people?

Your people had kids that
had kids that made these people.

Hey, I've never lost
my taste for social justice.

I let my freak flag fly.

Check it out.

Three piercings in one ear.

It's kinda hard to see 'cause
I let two of 'em close up.

My mother said I looked like a whore.

Hey, I thought someone was
going to call the exterminator

to set a trap for this thing.

Come on, Becky. We're sisters,
and we're bigger than this.

Forget that I got your pay docked

and come over here and braid
my hair, like you used to

at our summer chateau by the lake.

Could you two stop for one second?

Society's problems
are a lot more important

than your stupid sibling fights.

I can't hear. Shut up.

You shut up!

Well, I have a different
perspective on all this.

As a former magazine publisher

and a proud member of the 1%,
I feel that...

Are you out of your damn mind?

You know how much money you have
to make to be part of the 1%?

The "1%" isn't
a specific thing, Darlene.

It's just a general idea.

No, it's not. It's an actual number.

The lowest you can make
and be a part of the 1%

is $254,000 a year
if you live in Mississippi.

You're not even
a rich person in Mississippi.

Well, if I ever get back into the 1%,

I'm gonna oppress all you people.

Okay, last call for rent.
Come on. Cough it up.

Papa's got his eye on a new fur
for the winter.

Thank you.

Are they still protesting?

All that marching around
just clogs up the streets

so nobody can get downtown.

Dad, you haven't been to
downtown Chicago in 30 years.

Well, now that I can't go, I want to.

Grandpa, they're blocking the streets

to fight a corrupt system

designed to keep the working class down.

Hey.

If you pay Mr. Working Class
here the rent,

he can buy me a pound cake
we can eat in bed later.

How long you been sitting on that idea?

I haven't been to work yet to get
my paycheck. I'll get it later.

But could you guys please stop?
I'm trying to listen.

Okay, no. I gotta do one thing first.

I want to see the final round
of "Jeopardy!"

Hey!

"Who is Apollo Creed?"

Come on! That's a gimme!

When the corporations start
kidnapping all you poor people

and using you to colonize Mars,
I'm gonna laugh.

Crap.

That's gonna happen.

3x06
Protest, Drug Test And One Leaves The Nest

Damn it!

Hey, Becky.

Hey, thanks for the visitor's pass.

Did you sell a lot of sandwiches?

Oh, yeah. Oh, crushed it!

When you've got a building
full of depressed people

trying to eat their feelings,

you can charge whatever you want

for a stiffening
ham and cheese sandwich.

- You want one?
- Sure. Thanks.

Oh, my Go...

Juanita!

Man, we worked together here
back in the day.

Yeah. Online poker.

Still gotta work.

Oh!

Well, this takes me back.

This is where Roseanne and I hid

after we dropped our pants

and pressed ham
against the lobby window.

My side of the window
was unlocked, and I fell out!

Yeah, I saw it.

We just got off the bus
for the school tour

when they did it.

And that's why we did it!

Thanks for that.
It made me super popular.

Oh, damn it!

I got to call Beverly Rose.

Lunch break is almost over.

Oh, hey, Emilio.

Hi, Beverly Rose!

Robin.

Becky.

Look, honey!

It's the horrible woman
who docks my pay when I see you.

Hi, cutie!

Make better choices than Mommy!

Okay, everyone, listen up.

New policy at Wellman...
everyone will be required

to provide urine under supervision

for random drug screenings.

Two questions.

What do you mean "under supervision"?

And do you consider a drug
something that grows,

you know, naturally behind your garage?

Supervision means
a stranger is going to watch you

take your pants down
and urinate into a cup.

Wow. Way to sell it, Robin.

I'm not trying to sell it.

I think it's wrong
and I'm not gonna do it.

You all have to do
what your conscience tells you.

I'm quitting.

I have enjoyed working with all of you.

Except Becky.

I can't believe Robin's quitting
over a drug test.

If I made the kind of money she made,

I'd pop a squat on the pitcher's
mound at Wrigley Field.

It's obvious. She's not clean.

Ohhhhhhhh.

What do you think she's on?

Peruvian Marching Powder?

Horse with No Name?

Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds?

Some of that stuff
will make you show your ass

and fall out a window, I'll tell ya.

Why are you taking back
all the twigs and leaves

that help us forget what we're eating?

I'm tired of busting my ass
cooking for you people.

Not only do they not appreciate it,

but they complain about them.

The other day, I used peppercorns.

Darlene picked them all out and said,

"Something pooped in my soup."

I understand. We're philistines!

Did I use that word right?

Look, Dan, I gotta go home.

I'm used to living alone,

and there's just too many people here.

I'm in the shower, and Becky
comes in to use the bathroom,

and then I'm using the bathroom,

and Harris comes in to brush her teeth.

Did you know that now
I'm flossing in the closet

just to get some peace?

Who could I k*ll?

I'll thin out the herd for you.

No, Dan, you know, we talked about this.

You knew I'd have to go home eventually.

Yeah, but I didn't think you'd
actually follow through on it.

If I followed through on everything

I said I was gonna do,

I'd be nothing but muscle
and we'd be sleeping on gold.

Look at that wall of moms
out there protecting their kids

at the front of the protest line.

I mean, they're out there taking
beanbag rounds to the face,

and you won't even get up
to get me a soda.

That's because their kids
are out there protesting,

not leading the "occupy-the-couch-
and-bitch" movement.

You want me to go out there?

Well, all I'm saying
is you're laying there

and whining about us not doing anything.

If this was really
that important to you,

you'd be out there with everybody else.

Okay.

Wait. You're really going?

You're right.

I mean, I'm being a hypocrite
just sitting there

while everybody else
is out there changing things.

All right, well, stay six feet
away from everybody,

and if anything goes down,

you just yell "I'm pregnant"
and run into a bookstore.

No one's looting bookstores.

See you on TV.

Wow!

Well, I didn't see that coming.

You actually inspired your daughter

to go out and stand up
for what she believes in.

Yeah, that was pretty cool.

I was just trying to make her feel bad.

No rush, but could you write me
a check for the rent

while I stand here and stare at you?

Already done.

I gave it to Louise

while she was shaving her legs
in the shower.

Oh, and, um...

Harris is going to have a problem

covering her share this month.

Why?

Because she texted me this morning

that she doesn't want to go back
to work until the protest is over,

and her boss said that
if she's not there tomorrow,

he's gonna let her go.

Damn it, Darlene!

You gotta talk some sense into that kid.

Yeah, but, Dad, this is
the only time in her life

that she can do something like this.

She wants to have her voice
heard, and I-I get it.

Look, maybe...

maybe I can cover her part of the rent.

This is all your fault.

You made her think she was special.

Where'd you get that?!

You didn't get it from me.
I made a point of never telling

any of you kids you were special.

And yet somehow, we're all
successful and happy anyway.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have
to get back to the Senate.

I need to talk to you for a minute.

If you've got a Kn*fe, I've got a g*n.

I'm not here to s*ab you, 'cause
everyone would know it was me.

Look, I think
I know why you're quitting.

I told you why I'm quitting.

Did you?

Would you say something different

if I told you
I'm a recovering alcoholic?

I would say there's no secrets
on an assembly line,

and you're the fourth person
to tell me that you're a drunk.

Gossip is cruel,
but surprisingly accurate.

I'm here because,
as much as I don't like you,

if you have an addiction problem,

you need to go to meetings,

and...

I'll go with you if I have to.

Wow.

Why are you offering to help me?

Well, for one, you're my boss,

and I plan to continue to be
a really marginal employee.

That's a given.

And?

And I got pregnant

and had to get sober for my baby.

And I always thought...

if somebody had offered to help me,

I might've stopped sooner.

Darlene's wrong about you. You're okay.

I'm not quitting to avoid the drug test

because I'm an addict.

I'm trans.

Whoa. Plot twist.

Now you get why I'm not comfortable
with supervised testing.

I totally get it.

You shouldn't be forced to
come out if you don't want to.

Oh, no, no.

I came out a long, long time ago.

All of my husbands have known.

My friends know, my family knows.

It's the people that don't know
and don't need to know.

It doesn't matter to my dry cleaner,

and it doesn't matter at work.

But it's not fair that you have to quit.

It's not worth the PTSD.

That happens a lot in our community.

Movies like "Ace Ventura,"
where all the men vomit

because they find out
the woman is trans,

doesn't make you want to share stuff.

Maybe they were vomiting

because they found out
they were in "Ace Ventura."

Everybody hates the idea
of supervised drug testing.

We'll fight it!

I don't want to.

I fought my battles.

It's taken a long journey
to get this freakin' happy,

and it's not worth going back.

I get it.

But you know we're still
gonna fight it, right?

How long have you been sober?

Over a year.

Thank you for asking.

I asked because I want to see
how stable you are.

I just trusted you
with something very private.

Oh, I wasn't that kind of a drunk.

I just slept with a lot of people.

Very little talking.

I'm going.

Look, I left you something
in the fridge,

but knowing your family,
it's probably just a plate by now.

But... what if I can't sleep?

I'm used to cuddling up with you.

You'll be fine.

Just watch "Shark t*nk"
and imagine me saying,

"No one would ever buy
anything that stupid,"

and you saying, "I'd buy it right now."

I'll text you when I get home.

Ah.

How can I be behind where
my parents were at my age?

Mm.

That sounds like a serious question,

and I'd really like
to help you out, but...

I got high in the driveway.

When I was Harris's age,

I got to rage against the machine

and try to fix the world.

You know, I was protesting
for vegan food in the cafeteria

and I was against
female genital mutilation.

Oh!

Who's for that?

I'll give you a hint.

It's not women.

Is it men?

It's men, isn't it?

But that's not my point.

I mean, Harris can't do any of that

because I can't cover her rent.

I guess I could stop
saving for Mark's college

or maybe stop paying the dentist.

I mean, once he finds out
he's not going to college,

he's got nothing to smile about anyway.

Oh, let yourself off the hook.

You know, most kids
don't get to protest.

You know?

Some kids have to actually work

in those factories that make the phones

so that other kids can find out

what time they're supposed to be
at the protest.

Whoa, that's heavy.

Thanks, Spicoli.

All right, I-I gotta go tell her
she's got to come home.

Are we gonna get fired
for just walking off our jobs?

Hey, not if we all stick together.

This is where
they're gonna do the testing,

and they can't do it
if we refuse to leave.

You don't even work here anymore.

I want to belong to something!
Leave me alone!

Well, I'm fine with protesting,

'cause nobody's gonna see
my flower besides my husband.

Thanks for ruining flowers
for me, Carla.

Okay, I've never done this before,

but I know if we just stay in here,

production shuts down and they
have to negotiate with us.

What's going on?

We can't have this many people in here

at one time during COVID.

And there's gonna be a lot more of us!

You tell your bosses...
no supervised drug testing,

no more protests.

I'll tell 'em, but just so you know,

I'm coming back with more security.

Okay.

Don't make it easy
for them to drag us off.

Everybody, down on the ground.

This is passive resistance.
Gandhi did this.

I saw that movie.
He didn't do it in the bathroom!

Come on!

Hey! Thank you so much
for bringing me the gas mask!

Uh... what are you doing? That's lunch.

I know. I'm a revolutionary now.

I can't have my mom bring me lunch.

Well, there's no caviar in there,

if that's what you're worried about.

Listen.

I know that I encouraged you to do this,

and I am so proud of you
for coming out here

and putting yourself on the line
for something you believe in.

But...?

No, there's no "but."

And I think it's time
for you to go back to work.

I told you I can't do that.

Okay, well, if you don't
contribute to the rent,

then your "Share the Wealth"
protest here is gonna be

"Share That Little Tent
With the Rest of Your Family."

We'll figure something out,

but I'm not leaving here
until it's over.

No, we did figure something out.

We're all paying rent.

Harris, I know it sucks, but poor people

can't afford to quit their jobs
to make things better.

Poor people are the ones
with the most to lose.

Why shouldn't they be on the front line?

Because we can't
take the time off to do it.

In my little story earlier,
maybe I wasn't clear...

we're the poor people.

Okay, well, that's your fault.

I mean, maybe if your generation
did what my generation is doing,

instead of wearing ironic
T-shirts trying to make a point,

then you wouldn't be begging
your daughter to pay your rent.

You know what? This isn't about begging.

This is about taking responsibility.

You have a job.

And my generation did stuff.

I tried to go to Lilith Fair.

That was a big old woman thing.

You know, if I was in college,
this is what I would be doing.

But I'm not, because I have to work.

You know what? You're right.

Nobody shared the wealth with you.

I'm sorry. But you know what that means?

You gotta work to pay the rent.

And you know what happens if you don't?

You find someplace else to live.

I can live right here.

Great. See you in January.

Don't come crying to me
when the wind comes off the lake

and knocks you
right off your toilet bucket.

- Mind your business!
- Not our business!

- It's our business!
- Not your business!

Eh, not poppin'.

Come in tomorrow with three new chants.

Ladies, it's David Wellman.
I'm coming in.

Look, you all have to
go back to work right now.

We want to go back to work,
but you have to promise

to let employees
take our drug tests in private.

That's right.

Oh, my God. Is that you, Jackie Harris?

I thought you'd be in a cult
or a... or a nuthouse by now.

I've dabbled in both.

Look, it's a matter of safety.

Would you want someone who's high

operating the heavy machinery
around here?

Okay. I get that.

But we don't need to be violated

by having some creepy stranger watch us.

Would you be more comfortable
if it was someone you know?

We're not letting you watch, Wellman.

I guess if we knew the woman.

I'd pee in front of a Christian woman.

Okay, well... how about Becky here?

You all put your jobs
on the line for her, right?

I'm honored and humbled
by the opportunity.

Thanks a lot.

Good job, Beck.

We did it!

You don't work here.

Whoo!

How'd it go?

I'm the new test monitor.

You don't have to quit now.

Thank you.

Sisters got to hang together.

Get your lazy ass back to work, Becky.

Hope you're happy.

I just left behind all the people

who are risking everything
to make a change

because I had to come back
to support my pathetic family.

Well, you did the right thing.

And speaking on behalf
of your pathetic family,

we thank you.

What's going on?

Here's your damn rent money.

Hey.

How dare you talk
to your grandfather that way.

You pick that up and hand it
to him like a person.

He's not my grandfather.
He's my landlord.

I can say whatever I want.

It's okay. I got it.

No, Dad, don't. Leave it.

She's an ungrateful little brat,
and she should pick it up.

Why? I'm already bailing him out.

He should do something, too.

Harris, pick up the damn check!

Or what?!

Stop it!

Stop it, both of you!

You think I'm not ashamed
that I have to ask you?

I hate that I have to ask you.

No, Dad, you do not need to apologize.

Oh, yes, I do.

I get why you're angry.

I'm angry, too.

You want to know why I'm angry?

'Cause your grandmother told me to
buy life insurance and I didn't.

If I had, I could just throw
my broke ass off the damn roof

and you wouldn't have to
worry about anything!

I...

I'm sorry, Grandpa.

I wanna hug you, but...

I don't want to take the chance
after being in that crowd.

We'll just pretend like you did.

He's just upset.

And don't worry.

With his cholesterol,

no one would have given him
insurance anyway.

Dan?

I'm awake.

What happened?

I thought you were gonna
spend the night at your place.

Damn you, Dan Conner.
You're just too cuddly.

Mm.

I needed to hear that.
I had a rough day.

Ohh. I'm here now.

You can tell me all about it.

All right, freak show, what's this?

It's a picture of your face
on two pillows

that are supposed to
represent your body,

and they have perfume
and cocoa butter on them

so they'll smell like you.

All perfectly normal.

Stay away from my man!

Gotta tell you, it's kinda hot
when you fight for me.

Ohh.

I'll cut a bitch.

Hey, Darlene.

I saved you a celebratory glass
of apple cider.

While you were out sunning
yourself on a rock someplace...

we shut down the supervised
drug testing at Wellman.

Robin told me. Good for you.

You're not watching me.

I'm not watching anybody.

I'm just gonna say I am.

Ah. That's a relief.

I just got high with Ben
in the driveway.