03x10 - Who Are Bosses, Boats and Eckhart Tolle?

[bunniefuu]

"Who is Eckhart Tolle?"

"Who is Eckhart Tolle?!"

Who is Eckhart Tolle?

Who is Eckhart Tolle?

Only one of the most famous
spiritual teachers of our time,

but most importantly,
he's Oprah's bestie.

I thought Gayle was
Oprah's bestie.

At least, according to
the little TV on the gas pump.

Short pants,
short pants.

"What are
knickerbockers?!"

Don't tell me you're still
thinking of going on "Jeopardy!"

It's not the same without
Alex Trebek, rest in peace.

No, of course not, but Alex
would want it to go on,

and he would
want me to go on.

He told me that...

when I was on
the hallucinogenic tea.

Oh, well, if the dr*gs said so,
you gotta do it.

Stop trying to neg me,
Dan.

"What is
Little Big Horn?"

I mean, "Who is Custer?"
Dammit, Jackie!

You're going to "the show."
Get it together.

Grandpa, can we go to Laser Maxx
Family Fun Center this weekend?

They're social distancing.

Oh, money's a little tight
right now, honey.

Hey, you want to play laser tag,
let's go out in the yard

and I'll chase you around
with a flashlight.

Oh!

Hey, man.
What's up?

Oh.
Nothing.

Just thought I'd drop by and ask
you to look out your window.

It's a boat.

Oh, it is a boat.

Your commitment to these
practical jokes is impressive.

Uh, it's mine.
I just bought it.

It took me a minute
to convince Anne‐Marie,

but once I got the grandkids
to whine

at that pitch that makes her
crazy, she gave in.

Good for you.

- You want some coffee?
- Yeah.

No, I don't want some coffee.

I‐I want you to
come look at my boat.

I saw it.
You want some coffee or not?

I want to go see
your boat!

See, that's how you act
when someone gets a boat.

Come on.
Get excited, man.

We're gonna have a blast
this summer on Lake Michigan.

You know, I'm hoping
you and Louise

will be able to join us
sometime, man.

We can cruise around,
drink beer.

Sure. Sounds great.

Kind of ironic,
isn't it?

What do you mean?

No, I mean,
it just goes to show you.

Just goes to show you
what?

Well, it's funny how
I'm the one that gave you a job,

made you a partner
in my business,

and now you have a boat
and I don't.

What are you, uh...

You saying
I shouldn't have a boat?

No, no, no. I'm not saying
you shouldn't have a boat.

I'm just saying I probably
should have had a boat first.

You know what, Dan,
you're right.

How dare I have a boat
before you?

Come on, I didn't mean it
like that.

Oh, yes, you did.

You just didn't know
you did.

You know, I'll try and remember
to stay a step below you, Dan.

What are you getting
so worked up about?

I told you
I like your stupid boat.

Now sit down
and have some coffee.

Oh, don't tell me
what to do.

I don't even know
why I came over here.

Wow.

I can't believe
I have my own office.

Well, if it's
too much for you,

we can always get you
a milk crate and a stool.

No, no. No.

I‐It's weird,
but it's kinda cool.

In the meantime, I've, uh,
set up some interviews for you

so you can hire
an assistant.

An assistant?

Uh, I'm pretty much
the kind of person

that likes to do everything
by myself.

Just ask my boyfriend
how I am in bed.

I did.
He said you need an assistant.

You were 10 minutes late
today.

I was 15 minutes late
yesterday.

How 'bout an 'atta girl?

So, this is what it's like
living inside Robin's butt.

Where do you
keep the stick?

Okay, did you come here
just to torment me?

Mostly.

But I'm also here on
Union Steward business.

The time clock is
five minutes off,

so we're getting written up
for coming in late.

Maybe you people up here could
put down your caviar spoons

for a minute
and come down and fix it.

Okay, okay.
I'll... I'll look into it.

Now b*at it.

I gotta interview
some assistants.

You know,
in an interview,

you have to pretend
to listen to people.

All I have to do is look in
their eyes, nod periodically,

and then, you know,
there's the smiling.

And that's how the Joker
became the Joker.

Hmm.

Yeah.

Couldn't hold me down,
could you, Lanford?

Who's the bitch now?

Excuse me?

Oh.
I'm here for the interview?

Oh, my God. Hi.
I'm so sorry.

I'm Darlene Conner.
First question...

you still want to work for me
after hearing that?

No worries.
My last boss

sh*t a champagne cork out
his window and k*lled a bird.

Um...

Okay.

Where should we start?

Can I sit down?

Oh, my God. Yes.
Please sit down.

So... um...

I'm interested in you.

Oh.

Uh, what's that you got
in your hand?

Oh, this is just
a little rabbit's foot

my daughter Ruthie
gave me.

If I get this job,
she can get her own computer.

She's been using
the computer

at the halfway house
down the block,

but I'm really not comfortable
with her asking the junkies

how to spell things.

You're hired.

Whoa. Really?

No other questions?

Oh, God, no. I wouldn't put
either one of us through that.

- Thank you so much! Oh,
this is gonna be great. - Yeah.

Okay. Oh. What do you
usually wear to work?

Um... I don't know.

Something kind of like
what I'm wearing today.

Why?

Let me just take
a quick photo.

That way, I can be sure
we coordinate.

I want people to know
I belong to you.

Mm!

You always get the last laugh,
don't you, Lanford?

I don't know what
you're trying to flatten,

but it must be pretty curled
to need all those books.

Well, I realized that there are
some "Jeopardy!" categories

I'm not as strong in,

so I'm trying to
memorize history.

Which part?

Human.

Hey, can I come in?

I've been tested for
all sorts of things,

but the COVID one is good.

Sure.

Alright.

Jackie.

Dwight.

Chuck asked me
to drop this off.

What's in it?

It's a bill.

Chuck is officially
breaking up the partnership,

and he assumes
you're gonna keep

all the equipment
you guys bought,

so he wants to be
reimbursed for half.

Chuck's breaking up
your partnership?

What happened?

I didn't do cartwheels
over his dumb-ass boat

and he lost his mind
about it.

He knows I'm struggling
to hang onto my house

and he pulls a boat
into my driveway?

Might as well park it
in my be‐hind

and call it
the "S. S. Take That."

You know what would show Chuck
a thing or two

is if you got yourself
a new partner.

An attractive, young one.

I'm done with partners.

Okay.
So we're negotiating.

You're offering me
nothing.

I will take
a silent partnership

and I'll work for
minimum wage.

Final offer.

That's less than
I pay you now.

Yes, but I'm a partner.

Sounds way better
on Farmers Only.

You city girls don't know
what you want.

Anything you want me to
pass on to Chuck?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, you can tell him
I'll get him his money

when I'm damn good
and ready!

Okay.
I'll give him the message.

But I don't think I can
replicate your ferocity.

Lisa, can you print
the latest production reports

and put them on my desk,
please?

Sure. Oh!
Hey, boss?

Do you want me to get Ruthie
on her new computer

so she can say thank you
to her Auntie Darlene?

Aww, that's sweet,
but no.

Uh, and I'm not really
comfortable with Auntie Darlene.

Let's start with
Ms. Conner

and see where it goes
after five or six years.

Darlene Conner's office.

Mm‐hmm. Mm‐hmm.

It's Ginette
from Sales.

Hey, Ginette.

Uh... I‐I'm sorry.

Let me put you on hold
for a second.

Why is Ginette
screaming at me?

She just called me something
I only hear in Tarantino films.

Oh. Right.

You know,
she called earlier

saying there's a lot of orders
coming in

and that you need to
get on your people

to increase their output.

I told her that
you said

your people are working
as fast as they can

and to get off your back

or you'll come down there
and kick her ass.

What?
Why would you do that?

Ginette's just trying to
push you around

because
you're a new boss.

You need to shank someone
right away to get respect.

Ginette?

Ginette.

Ginette.

Look, why don't I
come down to your office

and we can hash this out,
okay?

Alright,
we've got a problem.

Are you mad at me?

No.

No, this is your first day,

and I should
have made it clear

that you shouldn't thr*aten
department heads on my behalf.

Well,
that would've helped.

My bad.

Oh, my God!
"Twilight"!

I want to see this.

Mary, it's way
past your bedtime.

What are you doing up?

It's hard to sleep with all
that's going on in the world.

Shh.

You know what, Josh?

I've seen this movie
so many times.

What I really want to watch
right now is C‐SPAN. - Mm.

Next order of
business, item number 1742.

Does Josh know that mental
illness runs in our family?

It's not mental illness.

It's, uh... It's uh, drug abuse,
alcoholism, and poor diet.

You're rich,
right, Josh?

Are you going to give Harris
some of that money?

Let's go.

"Twilight"?

That's a tricky one
for a girl your age.

They're in love, but he wants
to suck her blood out

and k*ll her.
Remember,

you deserve
better than that.

Have you talked
to Chuck yet?

No point.

I'm writing up a custody
agreement about our equipment.

I figure we could do
every other week.

The important thing is that

the tools don't think
it's their fault.

You guys have known each other
for over 40 years.

You're really gonna throw this
relationship away over a boat?

I'll make new friends.

No, you won't.
You're very unpleasant.

Okay, maybe I was
a little jealous,

but he's the one that
blew the whole thing up.

Come on, Dan.
He's your best friend.

If something good
happened to you...

not that it's ever going to...
who would you call?

When Roseanne went into labor
with Becky,

who was the first person
at the hospital?

Chuck.

But he only b*at me there

because the place
he was drinking

was closer to the hospital
than the place I was drinking.

And... who'd you call first
when Roseanne d*ed?

You should just call him.

Oh, wait a minute.

Oh, maybe we can get
our own damn boat

because I just made the
"Jeopardy!" audition phase!

Talk to Chuck or not,
I don't care.

So, not only did you not
fix the clock,

but now we can't
make eye contact with you

in the hallway?!

What?

Oh, my God.

This wasn't me...
this was Lisa.

I mean, I kinda like
the concept,

but it's not appropriate.

This woman
is out of control.

Well, you did ask her one whole
question in the interview.

What more
could you do?

Well, I only needed
one question,

but it should have been,
"Are you insane?"

You gotta fire her.

No, no.

That's what our bosses always
have done to us,

and we always complained that
we didn't get a second chance.

When I got fired in Chicago,
it literally k*lled me.

I came home, I cried to Mom,

and I didn't even know
how to move forward.

I'm not gonna do that
to somebody else.

Okay, can I do it?

No.

I've got to step up
and be a boss.

I'll be her mentor
the way Robin mentored me.

But let's be honest, how good of
a job did Robin really do?

I mean, look at you.
You're a mess.

No, I'm not.

I'm forging my own
management style.

It's a mix of
conflict avoidance,

blue‐collar guilt,
with a dash of IBS.

Chef's kiss.

Boy, this really is
a nice boat.

I took the ferry to Muskegon
one time.

I didn't experience
the pure joy of boating...

because I was in my truck
eating a cheeseburger.

What do you want,
Dan?

Permission to come aboard?

Suit yourself.

Look...

I'm sorry I didn't
jump up and down about the boat,

but you know what kind of
money troubles I got.

I guess it felt like
you were...

shoving the thing
in my face.

Oh. But you know me
better than that, Dan.

I just wanted you to
be happy for me... that's all.

Part of me was,

but part of me was mad at myself
that I didn't get one, too.

Hey, it's not my fault
that you suck at money.

You couldn't hold onto a dollar
bill if it had a handle.

Look, neither one of us
had a lot.

The difference was that
I put away 20 bucks a week

for 40 years.

Yeah.

But I bet
you never had the joy of

blowing your entire paycheck
at the state fair

on things that aren't supposed
to be fried but are.

I'm a Black man.

I got fried all day
every day at home.

Look, I get why
you were pissed at me,

but I don't know why you had to
bust up the business.

Look, because you were going
on and on about doing me a favor

for bringing me onto your crew
and making me your partner.

You think that stuff happened

because I couldn't do it
on my own?

I didn't say that.

Well, I couldn't.

Because I'm Black
and you're white.

What does that have to do
with anything?

Are you kidding?

Lanford in those days?

A Black man running
a construction company

wasn't gonna happen.

I couldn't get a lumber yard
to give me credit.

I couldn't get a loan
from a bank.

And there were plenty
of white customers

that wouldn't trust me
with their business.

You never talked to me
about this.

Come on, man.

You've been in the world.

Even if I told you,
you don't live it.

You wouldn't understand.

Look... Look,
don't get me wrong.

I appreciate the job
and the fact that

your giant, pale, puffy face
helped me get my boat.

Well, sometimes behind
a giant, white face

is somebody that wants
the best for you.

I hope you learned a little bit
about race here today.

Screw you, old man.

And just so you know,

when I hired you,

I thought
I was hiring a friend.

No,
we weren't damn friends.

I did what I had to do
to get by.

And it turned out that you were
a... you were a good guy.

So, hell yeah,
now we're damn friends.

You're like
a 14‐year‐old girl, Dan.

I'll get you
a friendship bracelet.

I want the kind where we each
get half a heart.

Hey, what do you say we tear up
this custody agreement,

get back to work,
huh?

Yeah, well, uh...

I've been thinking about that
lately, Dan.

I'm tired.

I've decided
I'm gonna retire.

What?

I‐I‐I don't want
to work anymore.

I want to enjoy my life.

Why would you want to
enjoy your life

when you can work yourself
to death with me?

I'm sorry, Dan.

Oh, don't be.
I get it.

Ah.

We should celebrate.

Too bad you ain't got
no beer on this boat.

Oh, lift up
the seat cushion.

Which one?

Any one.

- Ta‐da!
- Whoo!

Oh,
this is so great.

I want to do this with all
my furniture.

Hey, Darlene.

Look who knows
where you live.

Oh.

I'm so sorry,

but I wanted to prepare you
before you got to work.

I tried to move
your parking spot

to the front of the building
by saying you had rickets.

Now they're asking for
a doctor's note,

so we're gonna have to
figure something out.

Okay, sit down.
We need to talk.

I was just gonna
sh**t you a text,

but I didn't want you to
freak out,

'cause you know
how you do.

What are you doing,
Becky?

As the Union Steward,
I feel I should be here

to protect the interests
of this employee.

You can't stay.

Fine.

Good luck
with everything.

I don't need luck.
I let my work do the talking.

Okay.

Listen,
here's the thing.

You've been messing up
a lot,

but I'm gonna be the kind of
boss I wish I'd had,

so instead of f*ring you,

I'm gonna give you
one warning.

Let me stop you
right there.

My job is to protect you.

I'm the Doberman
that's going to protect

the junkyard
that is Darlene Conner.

Okay, I'm gonna give you
an extra warning.

Thank you so much.
If you had fired me,

I don't know what
I would have told Janie.

Who's Janie?

My daughter.

Part of being a good manager
is remember people's names.

This is why
you need me.

Your daughter's name
is Ruthie.

Oh, I did say that.
Oops.

I made her up to get the job.

This is another reason
why you need me.

You're gullible.

Okay, you're fired.

What?!

Look, a‐as someone who
considered being your mentor,

you should know
there's something missing

or broken in your head.

I can't have another f*ring
on my résumé.

I was unemployed for months
before this.

Look, I've been there,
and it is gonna work out.

How?

How am I going to
pay my bills?

Well,
that's a good point.

But you don't have a kid
anymore,

so that'll save you money.

Can you still
be my mentor?

I think that might be hard
since you'll have a new job

and also you won't be allowed
in our building anymore,

'cause that's my next call.

So, I'm super easy
to work for,

and I guess I just have
one question...

you're not gonna
love me too much

and do weird things,
are you?

Oh, no.

You're an atheist
and full of the devil.

I have to pray to God every time
I leave your presence.

Perfect.
We're gonna get along just fine.

Oh. And here is
a picture of Lisa.

One of your jobs
is to keep her away from me.

How permanently do you want me
to do that?

What do you mean?

Well, the hand of God will smite
thine enemies for 250 bucks.

Are you talking about
250 bucks for a hitman?

No.
That would be wrong.

It's a contribution
to my prayer circle.

It worked for my friend
with the abusive husband.

He fell in the shower.

Um, well, I only have a couple
more people to interview,

but I think
this went well.