03x12 - A Stomach Ache, A Heartbreak and a Grave Mistake

[bunniefuu]

Aired on: March 03, 2021

Happy belated birthday!

My birthday was like
a month ago.

Well, it took me this long to
find you the perfect present.

Holy crap.

Is that one of those giant
coffee table books?

Yep.

It's one of those gifts
that looks impressive

but is actually really cheap,
right?

Well, that's what made it
so perfect.

I got it for 25 cents
at a yard sale.

This old lady with arthritis
couldn't even lift it anymore,

so she dragged it in by a wagon
to show it to me.

Wow, a book about
famous castles.

How did you know about my love
for giant stone houses?

This is the same book
Meghan Markle looks at

when she's filled
with regret.

So, you never told me ‐‐
what did Josh give you?

You're the first woman in
the family to date a rich guy.

I once got an expensive
silk scarf,

but the guy's wife came
and took it back.

Oh, well, uh,
Josh was supposed to take me

to his family's vacation house
in South Haven,

but, uh, I haven't really
heard from him in a while.

How long's a while?

I don't know,
like a‐a couple of weeks.

A couple of weeks?

You guys were all over
each other 24/7.

I know.

Just please don't tell Mom
about it.

She'll blow this
way out of proportion.

He's probably just protesting
somewhere with no cell service.

I'm sure he'll get me something
great when he gets back.

Harris, sweet Harris.

We're all raised to believe in
the fairy tale.

You know the one.

It's 3:00 in the morning
at some dive bar

and you see him

scratching his head with a fork
in the cutest way.

He puts out a cigarette
in his leftover nachos

and approaches you,
and you think

"This is the start of
something beautiful,"

so you spend the night
with him.

But you wake up the next morning
and he's gone.

And so is
your toaster oven.

And you sit there eating your
soft, dry bread, thinking,

"Damn, he got the coffee maker,
too."

Why don't you look at
the castles

and pretend
you're a princess?

I don't understand
why we can't have waffles.

Grandpa has syrup
right there.

Uh, that is pure maple syrup
that I bought for your grandpa.

That stuff is like gold.

We're not gonna waste it
on your unevolved palates.

We'll get you a jug of
the cheap stuff

whenever we get
a coupon for it.

I'll add that to my list
for Child Protective Services.

I've had
previous grievances.

Oh, wow.

Here's a picture of a woman
who's over 100 years old.

In 1918,
she had the Spanish flu,

and in 2020,
she b*at COVID.

Twice.

Man,
I wish I had her genes.

But not her luck.

What do you got for me?

Um, a woman made her family
move into the garage

because she didn't want to
get COVID,

so she got a cat
for company.

And then she tripped over
the cat on the stairs

and broke her neck.

[ Chuckles ]

As soon as we knock out
this COVID thing,

we gotta go after cats.

Can we just enjoy
sitting down to one meal

without talking about
COVID?

There's plenty of other
tragic events

for you two
to find hilarious.

Homicides are up
everywhere.

Enjoy.

Well, this is how we
deal with this stuff.

You can either laugh or cry,
and we choose to laugh about it.

Oh, by the way, Mom,
I don't have

basketball practice
tomorrow.

They said there's a leak
in the gym roof

and the floor
isn't safe.

Oh, nope,
that's a lie.

The parents
got an e‐mail saying

that your coach
just tested positive.

C‐Coach Kazmerick?

Is he okay?

Yeah,
he'll probably be fine.

The good news is if enough kids
have to quarantine,

you might actually
get a chance to play.

Do you think
there's a reason

they didn't tell the kids
about the coach?

Oh, he would've heard it
from his friends anyway.

I think it's a mistake
constantly hammering him

with all this
COVID stuff.

He's gonna develop
an obsession with it.

I‐I just got him talking
about it, which is healthy.

I started having
panic att*cks

because I wasn't talking about
my anxieties.

Yeah, fair enough,
but m‐maybe you could try

mixing some good news
in with it.

Uh, I‐I mean,
I read this morning

more and more people
are surviving the virus.

Well, Mark's a smart kid.
He knows it goes beyond that.

He knows some of them
wind up with heart problems,

lung problems,
memory problems.

See,
there's your good news.

Those people won't remember
what it was like to be healthy.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

That was so sweet for you to
get this for Beverly Rose, Dad,

but don't you think the way
her legs wrap around the seat

will make her bowlegged?

Well, if it does,
it'll make it much easier

for her to ride a horse.

Don't repeat this
to your sister.

I'm listening.

Dad, I need to
talk to you about Josh...

Ehh... that rich kid
that Harris is in love with.

Oh, I like him.

He gives me cash
to leave the room

so they can make out.

Invest that wisely.
That's your college fund.

So, Harris thinks
he's out of town,

but I saw him
at his parents' house

watching
"Ferris Bueller's Day Off"

on the biggest projection TV
I have ever seen.

I mean,
the picture was so clear,

it was like I was
in the parade.

You were spying on this guy and
you stayed to watch the movie?

I already had a comfortable
position in the tree,

and that movie
really holds up.

Should I tell Harris?

Nehh. Tell Darlene.
It's her kid.

I'm Harris' brother.
Can I please tell her?

No.
There's $5 in my purse.

You can have it
if you leave now.

You don't have a purse.

I don't have $5, either.
Get out.

[ Sighs ]
I don't know what to do.

Darlene warned Harris
about Josh,

but... she doesn't want
the "I told you so."

I can't just sit back and watch
Harris be blindsided like this.

I know how much
that hurts.

Hey, Grandpa,
you might want to check on Mary.

She doesn't know how to
work the remote

and she just ordered "Mulan"
four times.

Aah!
That's 120 bucks!

I'm so glad
you came in here.

There's something
I need to show you.

I took this yesterday.

Josh has been at his parents'
house the whole time.

That piece of crap.

He said he loved me.
Things were going great with us.

I'm really sorry.

He owes you
an explanation.

Why?

It's over.
There's nothing I can do.

Yes, there is.

Nobody has the right to
disrespect you like that.

You deserve some closure.

You let one guy get away with
treating you badly,

it's easier to let the next guy
do it to you, too.

Just don't want to be some
creepy ex‐girlfriend stalker.

I don't know why that's gotten
such a bad rap.

You need to go over there

and show him
you will not be ignored.

Maybe you boil his rabbit.

What the hell
are you talking about?

Boil his rabbit?
That's horrible.

Oh, you never saw
that movie.

It's about this
perfectly reasonable woman

who gets the short end of
the stick.

We'll watch it later.

Oh, God.
[ Crying ] I can't believe this.

What's wrong?

I don't want
your father to hear.

I went to visit
Roseanne's grave

because it'd been
almost two years.

Why are you freaking out?

Wait, was she not there?

No, she's there.

But now there's
a tombstone

right next to hers
that says,

"I can't believe they stuck me
next to this bitch."

[ Gasps ]

That is horrible.
Who is it?

You remember
the Remschlatters?

You have to be
more specific.

There's a lot of
Remschlatters out there.

Paul Remschlatter.

The guy down the street
who used to put his trash

in our cans
when his were full.

Oh, I remember that.

And then Mom took the trash cans
and dumped them out on his lawn.

You know, after we picked out
all his recyclables.

Yeah,
so that went on for years,

and now he's trying to have
the last laugh.

Not on my watch.
What are you gonna do?

I don't know,
but I have to defend my sister

because she can't.

And she
always defended me.

Was that after
I left the house?

Because all I remember
is her relentlessly mocking you.

Tomato, potato!

She was
a wonderful person!

♪♪

Mulan is so brave.

She took her father's place
in the w*r to protect him.

That's a good daughter.

Hey,
when you drop your phone,

I pick it up so you
don't have to bend over.

Yeah, okay.

Do you think my arm
looks swollen?

It's a lot bigger than
the other one, right?

They both look
exactly the same.

What's going on?

Well, Mom sent me this article
that said some COVID patients

experience inflammation
in their veins

when they first get it
and it makes their arms swell up.

Well, it doesn't look swollen,
but is it sore?

I don't know.
Maybe.

This is exactly
what I'm talking about.

Why are you sending articles
like that to him?

No, it's okay.
I asked her.

No, it's not okay.

I'm just gonna go upstairs
and rent this again

on my computer
where I can hear it.

[ Scoffs ]

Mark, go outside
and sh**t some hoops, buddy.

I need to
talk to your mom.

No, I don't need to talk to you.
I know what I'm doing.

I'm sorry,
but I'm not gonna let that kid

think he's got COVID.

The only reason he thinks
he's got vein inflammation

is because you keep pushing
this crap on him.

No, I'm not pushing
anything on him.

He asked me about it,
and I'm not gonna lie to him.

That's a parent's job.
You have to lie to them.

Kids can't handle everything
that goes on in the world.

That's just common sense,
right?

Sure, kids are fragile.
That's common sense.

No. The entire world
is on their phones now.

You can't hide the truth
from them anymore.

And if you do, they're just
not gonna trust you.

Oh, yeah, no.

If you don't have trust,
you got nothing.

It's not so much
a matter of trust

as it is making the kid
feel safe and secure.

Remember when D. J.
Had strep throat?

We calmed him down by telling
him he was gonna live forever.

You can't go by him.
You can't cure stupid.

[ Groaning ] I'm having
really bad pains in my stomach.

Where does it hurt?

Upper stomach?
Lower stomach?

Did you go to
the bathroom today?

Yes. It really hurts.
Is it COVID?

You know what?
We're gonna go to urgent care.

Yeah,
that's what I'd do.

It's a stomach ache.

Let him lay down and see if
he's better in a half an hour.

You're right.
We might be overreacting.

No, we're going.
Are you coming, Jackie?

Well, maybe I should.

Unless Dan wants me to
stay here for supper.

You should go, Jackie.

Okay.

Ms. Harris?

- Yeah.
- Don Blansky.

I'm the director of
the Forest Hills cemetery.

Oh, hi.
Thank you so much for coming.

- Call me Jackie.
- Oh.

And I'm sorry I had to
push our appointment.

I had to take my grand‐nephew
to urgent care.

Oh, anything serious,
or...?

Oh, no, no.
Don't get excited.

He's fine.
[ Laughs ]

But I made you some pie
to nosh on while we talk.

So, I imagine
you're probably wondering

why I invited you here.

Uh, well, no.
Not really.

I mean,
getting wined and dined

is all part of the job
these days.

- Ah, I didn't know that.
- Oh, yeah.

Everyone's trying to get
a good spot.

It's not like high school.

Everybody wants to be
Don Blansky's friend now.

Ooh.
[ Chuckles ]

Well,
I'm glad you're doing well,

even if it is for all the wrong,
ghoulish reasons.

Mm.
I don't wish anyone ill.

But when a jock
who bullied me dies,

you know, a nerd gets a Porsche,
you feel me?

I'm trying not to. But, uh
[ Laughs ]

No, I‐I actually
don't need a spot.

I just need a small,
itty‐bitty, little favor.

[ Both chuckle ]

I would like you to dig up
Paul Remschlatter

and move him.

We don't really dig people up,
you know.

Unless the authorities
figure out something like, uh,

you know, his wife cashed
a big life‐insurance check,

so maybe he didn't sh**t himself
in the back of the head.

- That kind of thing.
- Mm, well, yeah.

That's not my situation.

Well, what's the issue with
Remschlatter?

Uh, the issue
is that his headstone

is insulting my sister
who's buried right next to him.

Oh! The...
The "bitch" one, right?

- Yeah.
- [ Laughing ] Yeah.

Yeah,
why would you allow that?

Well, it was the deceased's
last request,

and it's ‐‐
it's kind of funny.

People think we have
no sense of humor, but we do.

We're just people.

Okay, look, I...

Here's what it is.

I never thought that I would
outlive my older sister.

I was a cop.

I was a trucker
who fell asleep a lot.

But I'm still going,
and she's not,

and so the least I can do
is to take care of her memory.

Okay, look.

I'm sorry
about your sister,

but, you know,
there's nothing I can do.

We... We signed a contract.

Well, what's Remschlatter
gonna do?

Take you to court?
He's dead!

Well, everyone I work with
is dead.

That's not
an arguing point.

Look, most people will think
it's the woman

on the other side of him,
okay?

I'm sure everyone knows
your sister was a nice person.

Well, that's where you're wrong,
my friend.

Good day to you.

[ Doorbell ringing ]

Josh!
It's Harris!

I know you're in there!
Come out!

What are you doing?

Pizza Express!

Guys hate confrontation,
but they love pizza.

Josh!

I just want to talk!

He's never gonna come out.

I feel so stupid.
Let's just go.

Oh, I got a way
to get him out.

Geez!
First the rabbit, now a bat?

God, you're a psycho.
This is why you're single.

Calm down.
We're gonna destroy his mailbox.

Once he sees that,
he'll come out.

[ Bat clanks ]

Whoa!

That stung a little.

If this was a cartoon,
I'd be vibrating right now.

You have lost some rage
since you had that baby.

Let me take a sh*t.

[ Bat clanks ]

I felt that one
in my teeth.

Okay.

[ Clanking continues ]

[ Breathing heavily ]

He may be too wealthy
to vandalize.

Their mail must be
much more important than ours.

God, it's taking a long time
for the doctor

to give us Mark's
test results.

I'm sure he's fine,
sweetie.

The doctor is probably
just ripping somebody else off

for a $300,
two‐minute video chat.

Hey, Doc!

Thank you for your service
during these difficult times.

Is Mark okay?

Yes, he's tested negative
for COVID‐19.

[ Sighs ]
Really?

Are you sure?

I mean, he did have that
imaginary swollen arm and all.

Well, we also ran some tests
for IBS and colitis

because of the recurring
stomach aches,

but we were able to
rule that out, as well.

Recurring?

Mark didn't have any
stomach problems until now.

So, he didn't tell you he's
been having them for weeks?

No.

I'm seeing a lot of kids
with stomach issues

from chronic stress
in this pandemic.

It's been a year of these kids
being bombarded

by information every day.

It's ‐‐ It's too much.

No,
that can't be the problem.

Mark's the kind of kid who likes
to hear the information.

Well, you know your kid.

But I'd talk to him
and see what's going on.

I'm gonna put my nurse on
to tell you about

some over‐the‐counter
medications that might help.

This doesn't make sense.

I didn't
make my kid sick.

No, you didn't.

You gave him
a crippling anxiety disorder.

You didn't know what he was
gonna do with it.

Aah!

[ Bat clanks ]

Holy crap!

This mailbox is built better
than our house.

Next tornado, I'm putting
Beverly Rose in this thing.

Hey, what are you doing?

My parents are gonna
call the cops.

Rich people.
Okay, Karen.

Why the hell have you been
ghosting me?

Because I thought talking
would be awkward.

You seemed really into me,
and I just didn't feel the same way.

Plus, I mean,
I was your first love.

I didn't want to hurt you.

So you just pretend
that I don't exist?

You were only trying to
protect your own feelings

because you're not man enough
to actually face me

and say goodbye.

Did you think that I was
so in love with you

that you would crush me?

You are not that smart,
you are not funny,

and you have to
go to protests

to make yourself
look interesting.

You may have great hair,

but the rest of you
is extremely average.

So, are we good?

I am.

You suck.

[ Sighs ]

[ Door closes ]

I'm proud of you.

There are so many times

I should've done that,
and I didn't.

Thanks.

Feel better?

Yeah, but no.

I mean, I know I deserve way
better than that jerk, but...

doesn't mean
it doesn't hurt.

One last thing.

Yes!
Oh!

- Yeah! Great job!
- Whoo!

I forgot to tell you
that messing with a mailbox

is a federal crime.

We should probably run
right now.

♪♪

Hey.

How you feeling?

A little better.
W‐What did the doctor say?

Well, no disease,

but she says you're under
a lot of stress.

So,
why didn't you tell me

you've been having
these stomach aches?

Well, I‐I didn't want to
worry you.

Well, I'm a parent.
I'm supposed to worry.

And now, the doctor says that
me talking to you

about all this COVID stuff
might be causing the problem.

Do you think we talk about it
too much?

Yeah, but we have to.

Why?

Because you need to.

What are you
talking about?

COVID
makes people anxious,

and you've been having
panic att*cks.

That's why you want to
talk about it all the time.

Sharing it with other people
makes it less scary, right?

No, I don't want to
talk about it.

I‐I was only doing it
to make you less anxious.

So, we don't have to
do this?

[ Scoffs ]
My God, no!

[ Chuckles ]

It-It's like that
O. Henry story,

but instead of selling your hair
to get me a pocket watch,

you gave me severe cramps
and diarrhea.

Oh, yeah, everybody knows
that O. Henry story.

Anyway, um,
since my love

irritates your intestinal tract,
let's try this...

We are going to focus on
the positives

and we're gonna stop looking at
the negatives.

That sounds good.
And who are you?

Come on.

Look, there's animals
coming back to places

that were totally overrun
with people.

There's jellyfish
that are living again

in the canals of Venice.

Is that a good thing?
I thought jellyfish sting you.

Oh, you don't have to
worry about that, honey.

They're in Italy.

You're never gonna make it
past Indiana.

[ Chuckles ]

I‐I guess
I just have to relax

and accept that even bad things
happen for a reason.

That's right.

And you know the saying...

"When God closes a door,
he opens a window."

And that's how
the m*rder hornets get in.

I'll ‐‐ I'll work on it.
Yeah.

That wasn't good.

♪♪

[ Sighs ]

What are you doing
out here?

Having
a little celebration.

Problem at the cemetery
[snaps fingers] resolved.

- You slept with the cemetery guy?
- Gross.

He didn't make you
lie perfectly still, did he?

Oh, my God!

I didn't do anything
with the cemetery guy.

Oh, come on.
You can tell me.

Was his bed
like a coffin?

Ugh!
I wouldn't know.

There was a phone call, we came
to an agreement, and it's done.

I'm having
Roseanne moved.

Sweet.

I feel sorry for whoever's gonna
be buried next to that jerk.

Yeah.

I don't think my mom's
gonna like it.

Grandpa, where were you?
You never miss dinner.

What's with
all the screaming?

Dad,
we're not screaming.

Maybe it just seemed
that way 'cause somebody

just got certified
pre‐owned hearing aids.

Used hearing aids?

That's disgusting.

You know, if you snuck up
behind an old guy

to take them,
they don't work.

No, I got them from
a very fine pawnshop,

and they work
fantastically.

Can you hear this?

Yes.

Can you hear this?
Old goat says what?

Yes, I can hear it.

Move.

And with this gizmo,

I can also turn them
all the way down

so I don't have to hear
any of this.

Now, tell me, Jackie,
how was your day?