03x13 - Walden Pond, a Staycation and the Axis Powers

[bunniefuu]

Jackie, it must be
a relief to finally have

The Lunch Box open again.

Well, it'd be more of
a relief if I had more

paying customers and less family,

but, uh, that guy's lasagna
really ought to

turn things around for me.

Nobody's paying?

You told me tips are better than salary

because I won't pay taxes.

Don't worry, Jackie.
Our family won't stiff you.

We're bad, but we're not
"get your kids into college

on a fake rowing scholarship" bad.

Those people ruined it
for the rest of us

who were hoping to do it
five years from now.

Now they'll never know what
a great fencer Mark was.

Mom, I really need your
help with this report.

Are you almost done with your work?

Not even close.

Who knew it would take so long to do

performance reviews for
assembly line workers.

It's like, "On a scale of to ,

how great did you do
at not losing your hand?"

Well, did you at least
finish reading "Walden"

so we can go over it
together when you're done?

I meant to.

I'm a little behind
'cause I've been slammed.

But I need to write
words on why Thoreau

decided to live alone at Walden Pond,

and I don't understand
transcendentalism at all.

All right, well, maybe
someone here read it

and they can help you out.

Harris, Becky?

Uh, I started to read the CliffsNotes,

but they just go on and on and on.

It's a classic. Of course I read it.

That's the one about a guy
who wants to live alone,

so he decides to live on
a pond... called Walden Pond.

Well, actually next to it.

You can only live on
a pond in the winter.

You didn't read it. None of you read it.

If it was "The Real Housewives
of Walden Pond,"

you'd be all over it.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Hey.
- Hi.

Have you read "Walden" by Thoreau?

Who by what?

Grandpa, have you read
"Walden" by Thoreau?

Thoreau?

Sure, I know Thoreau.

Hey, Jackie, "Thoreau" me a beer.

That's it! I'm getting everyone

in this family a library card!

This ends now.

- [Family booing]
- You can't make us!

Yes. Check it out.

Oh, Swillzman!

From the cool, not so clear
waters of Gary, Indiana.

- [Chuckles]
- Do they even make that anymore?

No, it's a cool decoration piece

for that vintage trailer I'm fixing up.

Where did you get a vintage trailer?

I got really lucky.
A good friend of mine d*ed.

Louise and I got big plans
to hit the road

as soon as we get the vaccine.

Oh.

Oh, God, I wish Darlene and I
could get away,

but we're both so slammed.

Oh, babe, do you
have time to help me write

that ad for the hardware store?

The PennySaver needs it by tomorrow.

Maybe later.

I still need to finish these reviews,

go grocery shopping,
and read "Walden Pond."

Let me clear my plate
so I can really concentrate on

crafting something sophisticated enough

for the PennySaver crowd.

What about me?

Are you not gonna help me with my thing?

What's your thing?

I don't have one yet.

You're just so busy, I want to
get a place in line.

That's it, I'm not getting
any work done here.

I'm gonna head into the office.

Well, somebody liked the lasagna.

I'm surprised you left the fork.

Yeah, it was great.

You should really do something
about that review on Yelp.

What review?

Somebody said the lasagna here
wasn't fit to feed a dog.

I think my dog would love this.

It says our lasagna tastes like

"two car mats in a puddle of
watered-down ketchup."

And you still ordered it?

I'm from Missouri. I'm a "show me" guy.

[Cellphone ringing]

It's Louise.
She wants to make a video call?

That's weird.

Probably because
she wants a little show.

You're my daughter. Stay in your lane.

Hey, honey.

Just a heads up, I'm at The Lunch Box,

so keep it down if you're gonna
get fr-r-r-eaky.

Uh, that's not why I'm calling.

Well, you're still
coming over tonight, right?

I mean, I haven't seen you
in, like, forever.

No, I can't come over, babe.

I just tested positive for Covid.

Oh, my God.

Are you okay?

Mm, I can't smell anything,
and I'm super tired.

I'm gonna go lay down.

I'll call you later, I promise.

Louise coming by for lunch?

Maybe if she orders some lasagna,

I can open a second location.

Eh, you know her. She's busy.

She's working on a couple projects,

wants me to come over
and lend her a hand.

Yeah, right.

She's just trying to get you over there

so she can break her
off a piece of that Dan man.

[Laughter]

Oh, damn.

Louise just texted me. She's got Covid.

Wow! That stuff comes on fast.

I just talked to her seconds
ago, and she was fine.

No, she wasn't.

She called to tell you
she was sick, didn't she?

Yeah, but now Neville
spoiled the surprise.

Oh, I'm sorry, Dan.
I didn't mean to bust you.

Yeah, what the hell, Neville?!

As a former new guy,
welcome to the family.

x - Walden Pond,
a Staycation and the Axis Powers

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

I can't believe you were
ready to lie to us

and then go over and see Louise?

Are you insane?!

You cannot go over there.

You are the poster child for
underlying conditions!

I don't want to come
downstairs one morning

and find you all dead on the couch.

I've been traumatized enough
by you people

with your poverty
and your backward ways.

Okay, that's enough.

There's a lot of people taking
care of sick family members.

You wear a mask,
and you keep your distance.

I'm not gonna do anything stupid.

And you don't have to worry
about getting it.

Louise hasn't been in
the house in a week.

Yeah, but you're gonna be
with her all day

and then come home and be with us?

No, I'm gonna stay at her place.

If I was sick, she'd do it for me.

[Door slams]

Aww. That's so moving.

Would you be there for me?

We've been dating a couple of months.

Let's see how it goes.

- HARRIS: Do we really have to get tested?
- Yes!

Even though we haven't seen
Louise in a while,

it's not worth taking a chance.

Any luck?

No.

All the places that
offer rapid-response Covid tests

are super expensive.

There is one drive-up spot
that's only $ .

Is that per car? 'Cause if we really

press together, we can get
eight or nine people in there.

It's per person.

Damn.

Well, only a few of us
can afford to get tested.

Who's willing to die? Not it!

Hey, isn't there a testing place

out by the swap meet that's free?

Oh, yeah! We should go there.

I've been looking for a MagicMop
and a pair of fake Ugg boots.

Hey. Picked up dinner.

No idea what's in the bag,

but I know it's all from
the -cent menu.

Didn't you get my text about Louise?

No, what's up?

She has Covid.

What? Are you sure?

Yeah, she tested positive.

And I couldn't talk Dad
out of going over there

to take care of her.

Oh, my God, this is terrible.

I think I may have given it to Louise.

- [Chuckling] Oh.
- What?

You're being paranoid.

You're super careful, and no one
wants to be around you.

You're a naturally repellent person.

No, I-I did something stupid.

I went to a hotel a few times.

Oh, my God.

Are you cheating on Ben again?

How do you find all these people

who want to have sex with you?

No, I'm not cheating on Ben.

They have an indoor pool.

I just hang out for an hour
or two to de-stress.

My psychiatrist said it would help

with the anxiety att*cks.

Of all the times to hang out
at a crowded pool...

No, it's not crowded.

Then this last time,
I fell asleep in a chair,

and I woke up to
a full-on birthday party

with a bunch of idiot -year-olds

and none of them was wearing a mask.

But I left as soon as I saw 'em,
so I figured I'd be fine.

How would you give it to Louise?

Because I saw her a couple days later

to see if she had any pot.

That helps my anxiety, too.

Your shrink prescribed
an indoor pool and pot?

Do you know if he's taking new patients?

I'd just feel horrible
if anybody else got sick.

I got to go get tested.

And please don't say anything, okay?

I'll stay away from everybody
until I get my results.

I'd like to tell them myself.

Oh, God, how am I gonna tell them?

You're just gonna sit
them down and tell them

you're a stupid, selfish,
narcissistic troll

who only thinks about herself.

But, you know, put it in your own words.

LOUISE: Who is it?

The love of your life.

[Sighs] Dan, honey,
it's so sweet of you to come by,

but I can't let you in.

I brought you groceries.

I want to stay here
and take care of you.

I even got myself a new toothbrush

and a fresh pack of underwear.

It's grocery story underwear,
so manage your expectations.

No way, Dan.

Go away.

I'm not going anywhere.

You've got Covid.

[Cellphone ringing]

Hang on, I got to take this.

It's you.

Go home, Dan.

I'm not going anywhere.

I'm just gonna sit out here for a while

till you change your mind.

I'm not going to, but suit yourself.

[Music plays on TV]

Whatcha watching?

Some nature show.

It's about meerkats.

What are they doing?

Standing up really tall
and looking alarmed.

What are they doing now?

Same thing.

Seems to be a big part of their day.

Let me know when they do
something different.

♪♪

Give me the scoop.
Who did the bad reviews?

Look, I am a veterinarian,
not a detective,

but I did see a pattern.

Have you noticed that
the complaints are only about

your recent additions to the menu?

The schnitzel, the sushi, the lasagna?

And?

And you added those
items because you were

competing with which restaurants?

Um, Lanford SushiCo., Napolitano's,

and [German accent] Einen Biergarten.

Oh, my God!

[Gasps]

[Normal voice] Oh, my God!

That's the Japanese, the Italian,

and the German restaurants.

I'm being att*cked by the Axis Powers!

To be fair, you att*cked them first.

So why don't you just go down
there and tell them,

"Let's all play fairly and may
the best restaurant win"?

Well, you're a child
in a man's body, but yes,

we are going to go there.

And we are going to speak our minds

calmly and honestly,
and then you're gonna pretend

to be my lawyer, and you're gonna

go after them like a rabid wolverine.

You know, they're almost never rabid.

Don't care, Neville!
You got a dark suit?

Jackie, I-I-I really don't
want to do this.

This is a day of infamy.

These people are trying
to put me out of business.

Are you saying
that you don't care enough

to stick up for me?

- Okay, fine, I'll be your lawyer.
- Okay, thank you, Neville.

And I really, really need
for you to scare 'em.

Damn it, you've got that
sweet little marionette face.

Dad, you want me to make
a little breakfast for Louise?

You can drop it off at her place.

No, damn it, I ought to be over there

making breakfast for her.

She's telling me she can
handle this on her own,

but I know better.

Come on, Dad,
she's trying to protect you.

I'm sure she's gonna get better.

I just gave you seven pieces of bacon.

I'm much more worried about
you than I am about her.

Hey.

Hey, come on in. Have some breakfast.

I can't.

Uh, I need to tell you guys something.

I heard you all had negative tests

at the swap meet yesterday?

Yeah, but the fake Ugg boots
were sold out.

Did get a pair of Doc Martens, though.

Well, here's the thing.

You might all need to get tested again.

Last Saturday, I didn't actually
go into the office.

I spent the afternoon by myself
at the Acres Hotel by the pool.

What?

So you went to an indoor pool
without us.

What does your white trash
staycation have to do

with us getting tested again?

Well, it was completely empty,
and I fell asleep,

and when I woke up,
there were a bunch of people

around me not wearing masks.

[All groan]

And... I saw Louise three days ago.

What the hell, Darlene,
you got Louise sick?

I don't know. I-I got tested.

I'm still waiting for the results.

Damn it, you're supposed to be
the responsible one.

You're the only one around
here I can depend on.

That's hurtful, but I agree.

We're finally near the end
of this thing,

and you choose now
to do something stupid

- and put everybody at risk.
- No, I know.

I've sanitized everything I've touched,

and I'm gonna go straight
to my room and quarantine.

If anything happens to that woman,

you and I are never talking again.

You lied about going to the office.

Wow.

Now I know why I used
your credit-card number

to buy sunglasses.

It's hard without a role model.

Do better, Mom.

I can't believe you did this.

Look, I know it was stupid,

but I've been feeling
overwhelmed lately,

and I just needed some time to myself.

And the other times I went
there, there was nobody there.

Other times?

Are you ever anywhere you say you are?

Where are you going?

I need a little time to myself.

Oh, wait, I guess I'm supposed to lie

and say that I've got tons of work to do

and I'll be working all night.

Wait, crap, I have to do inventory.

I will be working all night.

Clearly I'm not as good at being
a bad person as you are.

[Door closes]

Hi, I'm Jackie Harris,
and I am here with

Mr. Neville Goldofsky, esquire,

and I would like
to speak with the owner.

I'm the owner. How can I help you?

Oh, well, um, I read your
little review of my restaurant,

The Lunch Box, and even if my schnitzel

did taste like a dirty diaper,
you wouldn't know that

because you've never tasted it.

I don't know what you're talking about.

You know exactly what I'm talking about,

i'mtheschnitz .

Look, maybe I wrote
the review, maybe I didn't.

Those are the chances
you take when a stew restaurant

suddenly starts carrying schnitzel,

so have a good day.

I didn't want to have to do this, but...

but now you're gonna have
to deal with my lawyer.

Tell him what you're gonna do
to him, Neville.

Okay, look, i-if you
simply cease and desist,

then this matter is resolved.

I'm not ceasing and desisting anything.

You may want to get back
to your restaurant

in case you get swarmed with a customer.

Okay, look, pal, you don't want
to see me in a courtroom.

Okay, you got a nice house?

Yeah, I do.

Jackie, you're gonna have a nice house.

How about a car? You got a car?

She needs a car.

I'm gonna take everything
but your shoes.

I'm gonna take your future
and your past.

I'll take so much from you
that when I am done with you,

you will no longer exist!

Fine.

It's not worth all this.

I'll take down the review.

[Stifles laugh]

Where's this guy been hiding, huh?

Mama like.

You bring that energy to
the next couple of restaurants,

and who knows what's
gonna happen tonight.

No, I-I'm not going to
the other two places.

Wait, why? You were great.

Well, it didn't feel great.

I hate lying.

Just because I chased after
you to go out with me

doesn't mean I'll put up with anything.

I-I can't do things out of fear

that saying no to you
will make you leave me.

I wasn't gonna leave you.

I didn't even know you felt like this.

Well, I do.

I guess I'm just not used
to having the power

in a relationship.

Well, you did, but you don't anymore.

We're equals, and if you can't
accept that, then I'm out.

Say that again,
but put your back into it.

I don't want to!

Even better. Let's go back to my place.

No, let's go back to my place!

Oh, my God, I don't even know

if we're gonna make it to the car.

♪♪

How are you doing?

Not great.

Do you want to talk about it?

There's not much to talk about.

My girlfriend's got Covid,

my daughter might've gave it to her.

Like a damn reality show.

And now they have days
to fall in love.

Thanks for stopping by.

Why are you moping around here

and not working on your tiny trailer?

I'll help you install
that table that turns into

a couch that turns into a toilet thing.

It's called a Murphy john,

and it's a brilliant piece
of engineering.

Well, then let's get to it.

I thought you wanted it ready
for when Louise gets better.

[Sighs] If she gets better.

Whoa, what happened to Mr. Positive?

Why aren't you scratching
your back on a tree

and singing "Bear Necessities"?

I don't want to think like this,

but I've had the rug yanked out
from under me before,

and... well, I don't know if
I can go through that again.

Don't give up on her now.

Do you think she would stop
making plans if you were sick?

You think she would stop
working on a couch crapper?

Hell, no!

Man!

Why won't anybody just let me sit around

in my own garage and think
the worst anymore?

I'm sorry, you want me
to leave you alone?

Nah.

[Cellphone chimes]

Oh, it's Darlene.

She got the results back from her test.

And she's negative.

[Both sigh]

[Chuckles]

I was pretty rough on her before.

Maybe I ought to go back in
there and let her off the hook.

Nah.

Nah.

Hey, how was inventory?

It's just like hanging out by a pool,

except you have to count
every freaking drop of water.

I'm sorry.

I-I know I should've told you.

And I know it doesn't put me
fully in the clear,

but I just tested negative.

Good, now we can get down to
what's really wrong here.

Your inability to tell the truth
is well established.

I mean, you're obviously struggling with

some sort of disorder,
but I just don't understand why

you couldn't tell me
that you needed to get away

for a couple hours.

Well, with all the crap that
everybody's going through,

I just felt guilty saying that
I needed time to breathe.

It sounds so selfish.

But, you know, with the panic att*cks

and the stress of the new job,

I'm... I'm just not doing that well.

I get that.

I need to get away, too.

We could've gone away together.

Yeah.

Please don't take this the wrong way.

[Sighs]

But I needed to get away from you, too.

I didn't say it 'cause, you know,

I didn't want to hurt your feelings.

Well, okay. Now we're being honest.

Sometimes I feel like I need
to get away from you.

What a horrible thing to say
to somebody you love.

Look, we got to trust each other
enough to be honest.

Like, okay, I know
you want to avoid the toxins

in your system, but after you work out,

you need to use a real deodorant, okay?

That little crystal thing
you're rubbing on there

ain't cutting it.

Okay.

Okay, good.

Yeah, something good's happening here.

Uh, all right, my turn.

All right, I don't like when
you sleep naked

because I feel like I'm spooning
with a dirty sheep dog.

Good.

That's enough healthy
relationship stuff for tonight.

I talked to Louise.
She contact traced on her own.

She didn't get Covid from me.

Mm, okay.

Well, considering how honest
you've been with me,

I will accept that...

in writing from Louise.

Hey, Dad, check this out.

I found these vacation photos from
your dead friend and his wife.

They were behind the medicine cabinet.

That's not his wife.

Neither is this.

Oh, neither is that.

What a jerk!

But look at all the national parks

he took these women to.

[Laughs] Oh, that's ironic.

There he is next to Old Faithful.

Do you think his wife knew?

Well, it makes you wonder
if he had a little help

falling down those stairs.

Eh, free is free.