03x14 - Money, Booze And Lies

[bunniefuu]

Everybody bring their stuff
for Louise's care package?

Sure did. I got her all
the COVID recovery essentials...

immunity booster sh*ts, vitamin C,

garlic, some herbal tea...

Ooh, these teas are nice.

How about I keep them for myself

and replace them with an even
better immunity booster...

a sh*t of laughter from Dr. Adam Sandler

in the somehow-overlooked-
during-awards-season,

"Jack and Jill"?

And as a bonus, "Doctor Zhivago"...

disc two.

Oh, we don't want her straining her eyes

on these crossword puzzles.

What she really needs
is something for the ears.

The Bible... on CD.

I was shopping in a hurry.
I thought it said Bublé.

Okay, this is crazy.

I have "Doctor Zhivago," disc one,

and I've been dying to see how it ends.

Louise has COVID, ya hillbilly pirates.

Everybody put everything back.

Oh.

Although she doesn't really need
"Jack and Jill."

[Chuckles]

Did you know Sandler plays
the brother and the sister?

Yes, Dad. And it only took you
three times to figure it out

because he's "that good."

Ugh, you're such an elitist.

When your beloved
Sir Anthony Hopkins plays twins,

let me know.

All right, is this everything?
'Cause I gotta go.

After I stop at Louise's,
I'm gonna close

the biggest lumber deal
the hardware store's ever had.

Wow. Ben must be thrilled.

How'd you manage that?

I've been doing business
with my contractor buddies.

They like getting personal service

instead of what they get
at the big box places.

Wow. That is fantastic.

Well, before you ask
for a raise, let me know.

I am willing to sleep with your boss.

You don't think it's too early
to ask for a raise?

No. Ben talks about how lucky
he is to have you all the time.

Just like I'm sure he tells you
how lucky he is to have me.

[Exhales sharply]

Anyhoo...

Uh, you just said you're making
him a ton more money, right?

Yeah, I-I've... I've pretty much
doubled the business

in the last month.

I think it's a little early
to be asking for a raise.

No. Come on... You guys make a
great team, and Ben knows that.

Look, don't tell him I said this,

but he is not gonna
take a chance on losing you.

You know what? You're absolutely right.

I'm the golden goose.

Yeah, and everything the goose
touches turns to gold.

No. That's King Midas.

You're thinking about

when the Jewish people
wandered in the desert

and worshipped the golden goose,
and Moses got mad

and told them to cut it out.

That was the golden calf.

Here. You can brush up on that
story with the Holy Bublé.

x - Money, Booze And Lies

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

You'll never guess who just called me.

Mike Withers.

Oh, my God.

Mikey from high school?

You guys dissected that cat together.

Yeah, that's him.

You were in biology class, right?

Of course.

Continue.

Mikey was Becky's main competition

in her honors classes.

What's he up to now?

Mr. . ?

He did his undergrad at Northwestern

and got his masters in
Civil Engineering at Stanford.

Wow. Did you tell him
you majored in alcoholism

and got your masters in unprotected sex?

My drinking problem never came up.

He did ask about you, though.
He wondered if you were in jail.

Why would I be in jail?

He remembered how you rode David's ass

up and down the halls in high school

and assumed you k*lled him.

Oh, great. Now he's gonna come to town

and realize I don't have
any follow-through.

He asked me to dinner,
but I'm gonna pass.

Why?

It could be fun catching up.

Nah.

His imagination
is better than the reality.

I'd rather keep the illusion

that I'm too busy to post on
Instagram because I'm a success,

not because I got kicked off

for liking too many photos
of Elizabeth Warren.

You should go and just be proud
of who you are.

Successful people like
being around failures.

Think about how you feel around D.J.

Oh, don't listen to her.

You show up looking great, and
he'll think you're a success.

We could go down to that place

that gives homeless people
good clothes for job interviews,

and then you can go
to the beauty school,

get your hair done.

[Chuckles] I guess that could be fun.

And it'd be really nice
to be someone else for a night.

I was somebody else
for a couple of weeks once.

It wasn't so much a choice as...

you know, a psychotic break.

♪♪

Okay. Here you go.

Breakfast for dinner, as promised.

It's vegan sausage.

It tastes like I'm chewing
a salty rubber band.

Look, it's too late

for all these other
meat-eating heathens here,

but you can start eating healthy.

It's made from all plants,
and it tastes exactly the same.

Trust me, it doesn't.

I'm gonna go watch TV.

I'll go with you. Here's a tip...

Don't hassle
the person cooking your food.

She's gonna do worse than this?

Oh, hello, poor people.

I come from an alternate reality

where Conners are rich and successful.

I'm here to tell you
you're doing everything wrong.

[Laughs dramatically]

You look great.

You love me.

What does Darlene think?

You look so rich,
I want to key your Bentley.

Thank you. I know that was
very hard for you to say.

Now, I will see you before midnight.

That's when my magic carriage

turns back into a pickup
with expired tags.

All right. We're all set, Dan.

Tell your buddy the lumber order
will be there at : .

- Fantastic!
- [Laughs]

Hey, uh, before we eat,
I just want to take a moment

to thank Dan for k*lling it at work.

Man, it's like you were born
to work in a hardware store.

Now, that's not always a compliment,

but in this case, it really is.

Thank you!

It's so nice to have a boss
that appreciates you.

Since I mostly used to work
for myself, I can honestly say

that I'm a cheap bastard who
never paid me what I was worth.

Well, your loss is Ben's gain.

He couldn't have done this without you.

[Chuckles] You know,
I just had a funny thought.

If you married my daughter,
it would be hilarious

to have a sign out front
that said, "Olinsky and Dad."

I don't know.
I kind of like the sign we have.

It's shorter. [Laughs]

I'm kidding. I don't really care
what the sign says.

But I am serious about being a partner.

A partner?

Wow.

You're really catching me
off-guard here.

You know, what I think
my dad is trying to say

is that he just deserves
some recognition

for all the business he brought in,

even if that's just a raise. Right, Dad?

No. I've been thinking about it,

and at the rate
I'm growing this business,

I think a % ownership stake
is not unreasonable.

Whoa. That's weird,

'cause I think
it's totally unreasonable.

You've only been working there
for two months.

Two months, and I've already
doubled your business.

All right, well, we don't
need to settle this now.

The vegan sausage is getting cold.

Heat really is the only thing
it's got going for it.

I'm ! I'm not gonna have time

to spend years
waiting for a promotion.

Well, I am sorry that you're old,

but that doesn't mean
that I have to give you

a piece of the business
my father gave me.

Without me, in six months,
that place'll be a parking lot!

All right, you know what?
I'm not going there with you again.

Just because you ran your
businesses into the ground

doesn't mean that I have to
make it right for you!

- Dad, we talked about a raise!
- [Door opens, closes]

That's like a couple bucks more an hour.

Maybe a personalized mug
in the break room. All right?

Why are you trying to better
your life with my boyfriend?

Hasn't worked for me,
not gonna work for you.

Hey. How you doing?

Well, I've cooled down.

I may have reacted a little impulsively.

Well, it's partly my fault.

I told him that he deserved a raise,

and I should have left
well-enough alone.

I mean, he wasn't gonna
ask for anything.

Oh, give yourself a little credit.

I think that makes it
entirely your fault.

Hey, I had no idea he was gonna
ask for a piece of the store.

Well, yeah, but we're
supposed to be a team.

If you thought he needed a raise,

you should have just talked to me.

I know that now.

[Sighs]

Look, you know that my dad and I
had a lousy relationship.

My only real connection to him
was through that store.

I remember when I was little
and he'd sit me on the counter

and let me play with all the tools.

And then when I got older,

he told me to tell
all the kids at school

that I knew how to make keys.

I did, and it got me so much sex.

- Really?
- No.

I was alone all the time,

and I learned how to play the harmonica.

[Laughs]

Yeah, now it all makes sense.

Sometimes when you kiss me, you inhale.

My dad loved that store.

Even when business was bad,
he turned down investors,

and he turned down offers
from big chains.

And he did whatever he had to do
to keep it in the family.

So... [Scoffs]

if I gave away a piece of it...

I can pretty much hear him saying,

"I trusted you with something important,

and you disappointed me again."

I know it sounds ridiculous, but...

...I just want him
to be proud of me once.

It's not ridiculous.

[Deep voice] I'm proud of you, Ben.

- [Sighs]
- [Normal voice] Oh, my God.

Did you hear that?
I think it's your dad.

He's here.

So, you think my dad sounded
like a "Scooby-Doo" villain?

You don't know what he sounds like dead.

[Chuckles]

♪♪

- Hey, Mikey Withers!
- [Laughs] Oh, wow!

- Becky Conner.
- [Chuckles]

- You haven't changed.
- Neither have you.

You were bald in high school,
weren't you?

[Chuckling] Oh.

All right. All right.
I see how this is gonna go.

You somehow got blonder.

Oh, I spend a lot of time in the sun.

Walking to the drugstore to get bleach.

[Both laugh]

I guess we both tested negative
for COVID, so we can hug, right?

Absolutely.

Oh, it's so great to see you.

- You, too.
- So many good times.

Oh, do you remember when we cut class

to go to the Pink Floyd laser
light show at the planetarium?

We were the only people there
who weren't high.

We were just into lasers.

- Nerd.
- Nerd.

[Chuckles]

You know, I just realized
that the last time I saw you,

you were going off to start
college early in Minnesota.

Oh, right. College. Yeah.

I lived in the library.

If I could go back in time
and tell younger Becky,

I would say, "Get your nose
out of that physics book

and go have some fun."

That sounds like you.

Where'd you do your post grad?

At a little private school.

In Denmark.

What's it called?

Have you ever heard of Vasterflagen?

No.

[Chuckles] Nobody has.

You don't apply. They find you.

So, I did a little cyber-stalking,

and you've done very well
for yourself, too.

You're a civil engineer?

Well, I sometimes lose my
temper, but I try to be civil.

[Laughs] Wow.

So, it must be really cool
to have your own firm, right?

I do okay.

But I actually owe
a lot of my success to you.

- Really?
- [Chuckles] Yeah.

In school, you were my pace car.

I just wanted to be
as smart as Becky Conner.

I busted my ass to keep up with you.

Well... congratulations.

I think you've done that and more.

That's enough about me.

I want to hear what you've been up to.

I'm in the restaurant game.

Is it a chain?
Is it something I've heard of?

Not yet.

Not in this country.

Uh, my aunt and I
started one in Lanford,

and I took the reins and expanded it,

and now I mostly deal
in franchises and, um,

supporting the, uh, corporate
direction of the company.

Well, your folks must be
really proud of you.

Yeah.

The best part is, I was able
to pay off my dad's house.

[Voice breaking]
He's retired now, and...

all he does is fish and drink beer.

[Chuckles]

Just couldn't be happier.

And I have a baby
whose future is secure.

So, yeah...

life couldn't be better.

Hey.

Don't be embarrassed to get emotional.

I felt the same way
when I helped my family.

[Laughs] Okay.

So, I remembered
how much you loved wine coolers

back in high school,

so I figured you graduated
to a nice Sancerre.

Thank you.

To us.

To becoming the people
we were meant to be.

To us.

Mmm.

Okay.

Oh! Look at this dessert.

A double chocolate soufflé volcano.

What do you say?

We can be bad for one night, right?

Sure. What the hell.

[Chuckles]

♪♪

Ooh, I'm starved. What's for breakfast?

Tuna salad sandwich.

We had bacon and sausage
for dinner last night.

Why didn't we just switch them around?

Sausage was about to go bad.
Tuna expires tomorrow.

We don't make the deadlines,
we just live by them.

Oh, good. The tuna.

I could hear the can ticking
in the pantry.

Hard pass.

Look, I know you're still upset

about Ben not wanting to give
you a piece of the store.

You're damn right I am.
Having a piece of that store

is the only chance I have
of making some real money.

Louise and I aren't getting any younger.

If I have a few dollars,

she can quit serving old drunks
at Casita Bonita.

Oh, that's sweet. Then she'll just have

one old drunk to serve.

You just don't get
how hard this is on Ben, though.

If he gives up a piece of the store,

it's like he's letting his father down.

Because of me, the store's
making a go of it.

How is that letting his father down?

He's like a little kid

that's still trying
to get his dad's approval.

He's a grown man.
I'm sorry he's got daddy issues.

I don't have daddy issues.

What the hell, Darlene?

You're talking about stuff
that I told you in private?

Well, I-I'm sorry.
I was just trying to explain

how upset you were.
I didn't tell him you cried.

Oh, my God! Will you stop doing that?

You know what? You guys
are both stubborn idiots.

You guys need each other,
and you're too stupid to see it.

I'm not stupid. He's stupid.

- Stupid is as stupid does.
- Oh, really?

You're gonna argue with me
by quoting "Forrest Gump"?

You know, I try to help you out,
give you a job,

and this is how you repay me?

Well, I'm not setting foot
in that damn store

until you do what's right.

Well, if you're not coming into work

unless I give you a piece,
then don't come into work.

Oh, what? Now you're f*ring me?

No, he's not f*ring you.
He's giving you a raise.

We're going back to the raise, right?

- That's where it all went wrong.
- No, look,

if you're not coming into work,
then you're quitting.

Well, I'm not quitting,
so I guess you're f*ring me.

Well, yeah, I guess I'm f*ring you!

Well, I guess I'm throwing you
out of my house!

Whoa! This has gotten
way out of control.

We do not throw people out.
We just take people in.

No. It's fine, Darlene.

I don't even want to be here anyway.

Dad, I pay rent, too.
You can't just kick him out.

This is still my house.

And if you don't like it,
you can go with him.

Well, I just might.

You know, and I'm gonna
leave Harris with you.

That's how upset I am!

God, why can't I leave this
kitchen without yelling at you?

No, you don't need to leave.

My dad is gonna cool down.

Just stop packing,
and let's talk about it.

Where is my denim shirt?

Uh, it's in the wash.

I wore it, so you might as well
stay until I do laundry.

What? I-I-I wear your shirts
all the time.

You do? Really?

Yeah. We're like the same size.

I don't need this crap.

Look, you don't have to go, all right?

My dad does not make
all the decisions around here.

I pay rent, too.

And I would have given him a raise!

How much more
do I have to give, Darlene?

I mean, we gave up a place of our own

so we could move in here
and help him pay the mortgage.

He needed a job, and I gave him one.

Now, instead of being grateful,

he thanks me
by throwing me out of the house?

Enough is enough.

No, I know, but...

what about us?

I don't want to sleep in bed
without you.

I don't want to live apart from you.

Well, I don't want
to sleep without you, either,

so come with me.

You know, if we pool our money,

we can get a nice little apartment.

How can I move out now?

You fired him,
you're not gonna pay rent,

and then I'm gonna bail?

I can't hang him out to dry like that.

Right.

Well, I want to be with you, so...

whenever you figure out
what you want, let me know.

Where are you going?

Well, right now, I am gonna go
sleep at the hardware store.

I put up a nice little
camping display last week,

so I'm gonna turn on my little
tissue paper campfire and...

play my harmonica.

Well, call me to say good night, okay?

[Sighs] I will.

[Door closes]

♪♪

Beer at : in the morning?

Was it about to expire?

Ben fired Dad, and Dad
kicked Ben out of the house.

Ugh.

It'll blow over.

Not this time.

[Sighs] What are you gonna do?

I don't know.

Hey, how'd your dinner with Mikey go?

Well, I'll give you a clue.

I did my post grad work
at Vasterflagen in Denmark.

Hopefully, he won't figure out
it's a vanity bench from Ikea.

- You have any fun?
- Oh, yeah.

He's a good guy.

[Sighs]

I had a glass of wine.

What?

I had to. It was one drink.

No, you didn't have to.

You're an alcoholic.
You can't have one drink.

I didn't guzzle the bottle and
have sex with him on the table.

Oh, well, shut my mouth. You're cured.

I know I screwed up.

If I was going to keep drinking,
I wouldn't have said anything.

Or maybe you're just trying
to throw me off the scent.

I know your kind can be tricky that way.

You know what? I did it.

I won't do it again.

End of story.

Please don't tell Dad.

Okay.

But just know...

I'm here if you need me.

I'm here for you, too.

You're just trying to cozy up
to me so you can get my beer.

Actually, I was talking to the beer.

Hey, there.

Heard about what happened
with you and Ben.

Yeah, I really don't want
to talk about it.

Business and family, yeah, that's tough.

When me and Roseanne worked
together at The Lunch Box,

we fought like cats and dogs.

Better now. Go away.

[Chuckles] Yeah, there was this time

where, uh, she told me

she thought my loose meat could
use a little bit more salt.

So, I held the spatula on the
grill till it turned red-hot,

and I went after her with that.
[Chuckles]

There was this time

where she didn't like
the guy that I was dating...

Yeah.

But it was different
with you and Roseanne.

You had a complicated
sister relationship.

Also, she thought
you were an unhinged fruitcake.

And what was her favorite
dessert at Christmas?

French apple pie.

She loved me, and you can't stand it!