03x19 - Jeopardé, Sobrieté, and Infidelité

[bunniefuu]

This is cool.

I didn't know there
was a book of hundreds

of tattoos you could pick from.

I want a tattoo of all the boys in BTS.

Well, there's seven of them.
You'd need two more arms.

What if you do four of them on
Mark and then three on me?

And we can walk around
with our sleeves rolled up

and put our arms together
to show people.

Yes, and then we can b*at each other up

to save the bullies a lot of time.

Okay, neither of you
are getting a tattoo.

It's illegal until you're .

[Door opens]

Oh, perfect timing. Love you. Bye.

Hey, Mom, you remember how
you said you would do anything

to help my career as a tattoo artist?

Oh, yeah. I was lying.

Come on. Let me give you a tattoo.

I'll never get a part-time chair
unless I have

a tattoo to show
the lead artist by this weekend.

I might be in Hawaii this weekend.

What?

Ben said he didn't want to go

and you said you'd sell the tickets.

Yeah, I know.
People keep pointing that out.

I'm still thinking about going
by myself, if I have to.

Mm, well, I think you deserve it.

And when you get back,
I'll give you a great tattoo

in exchange for my silence.

Wish it was that easy.

How can I go without telling Ben?

Yeah, I know. It'd be lying.

No, I'm asking. How do I do
this without telling Ben?

Wow, you're not giving this up.

It must really bug you that
Ben doesn't want to go.

It more than bugs me.

It's made me question
the whole relationship.

Damn. Don't get between you and a luau.

Uh, somebody left the back door open,

and I just saw a stranger run out

with the last beer in the fridge.

Now, it all happened so fast
that I couldn't get a clear ID.

So, uh, you avoiding me?

You haven't returned my calls in a week.

Is this 'cause you're mad that
my mom talked to your dad?

She didn't talk to him.

She ambushed him,

and you didn't do a thing about it

even though you know
what a monster she can be.

Yes.

But, in this case,

Godzilla finally stepped on
the right villager.

I think she did the right thing.

Telling my dad to sell his house

'cause he's trapping his kids here?

- [Sighs]
- And she only did it

to make up for what a terrible
mom she's been to you.

This is better than her helping
my sixth-grade girlfriend

write me an incredibly specific

"I'm breaking up with you" note.

My mom thought Lisa could do better.

Certainly hasn't had that talk with me.

Okay, look, I know my mom
did it the wrong way,

but she's just trying to
get us together.

Oh, well, if she could
get us on vacation together,

that'd be better.

Are you still on that?!

I... I don't even know what to say

if you can't get the bigger picture.

I don't even want to talk
about this anymore.

I don't want to talk about it
anymore, either.

- Fine!
- Fine! Bye!

Okay, well, I guess I'll hear from you

when I hear from you.

Next thing you're gonna hear
from me is "aloha."

x - Jeopardé, Sobrieté, and Infidelité

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

We were really worried
when you had COVID.

It's so great that you're back here now.

Aww, I missed you guys, too.

Yeah, we were worried that if you d*ed,

we'd never eat good again.

Oh, Mark! Mary! Dinner!

Oh, my God, Jackie,

your episode of "Jeopardy"
is on tomorrow.

Now can you tell us what happened?

Nope, not fair to the rest of America.

The agreement said
not till the show airs.

Well, your heel's still
duct-taped to your shoe,

so I'm guessing you didn't crush it.

Well, you don't know that.

Why do you think lottery winners

keep it secret when they win?

They're not worried about criminals.

They're worried about family.

The menace within.

- Hey!
- Hey!

You got out of rehab!

I thought that was tomorrow morning.

Yeah, but I wanted to
sleep in my own bed tonight

so I could cuddle up with
Beverly Rose in the morning.

You should have told us
you were getting out early.

I was gonna wait outside
the walls of the joint

with a cheap suit and bucks.

Actually, there wasn't much
of a goodbye, um,

but they gave me this plant to
see if I could keep it alive...

which isn't very reassuring
when you already have a kid.

Oh, well, should I schedule you for

a double shift tomorrow?

Nope. No more double shifts,

and school is on the back burner.

Oh, wow.

So, all your motivation
was in the booze, huh?

You're missing the point,
my tiny terror.

I'm prioritizing spending
more time with Beverly Rose,

working normal hours,
and living a healthy life,

and helping everyone around me
do the same.

Oh, I get it. Life before dreams.

See that right there?
You always go negative, Darlene.

You say "dreams" like
I'm giving something up

instead of "good for you,"
like Dad always says.

I'm positive.

In rehab, we'd call you a "filterer,"

and I'm supposed to avoid you.

Oh, hey, your rehab
was good for me, too.

Sounds like your head's
on straight, Beck.

Really, Dad? Another beer?

What's in that can?

Is it the foamy head of regret?

Is it the cool,
clean taste of paths not taken

with bubbles of guilt?

Based on the river it's from...

I'm gonna say bear pee and slugs,

but I'm just trying to get a buzz.

[Laughs]

That is the classic laugh of an enabler.

Oh, wasn't that one of
Batman's villains?

The Enabler?

He wasn't violent, but he would support

people's bad habits until it k*lled 'em.

Dan, you probably shouldn't
drink in front of Becky.

She just got here.
I can't ask her to leave.

So, uh, Louise and I will eat

and drink out in the garage.

I'll join you when I'm done.

You know, it only takes a few people

to start an AA meeting.

Oh, you might have to push a little hard

on the garage door.

Sometimes it sticks when
it's double-bolted and locked.

Wow. Good for you, Aunt Becky.

I'm doing a presentation on
addiction in Health Sciences,

and I'm going to add in
family influence.

Why don't you just bring me in?

Part of my rehab is being
of service to others.

W-Well, I was gonna do
a graph with a beer bottle

to show how your life
goes down along with

the level of beer in
the bottle, so I don't know.

That's a B-minus, maybe a C-plus.

You have a real-life
alcoholic in your home,

and what does "alcoholism" start with?

An "A"!

♪♪

[Sighs] Hey.

Hey.

My, uh, sister's coming back
to work tomorrow from rehab.

Spoiler alert... she's high on life,

and it's gonna make you want to drink.

Not me.

I don't need alcohol to feel
good about the world.

There's mushrooms, peyote,
those frogs you can lick.

So, um...

I don't know what
you're doing this weekend,

but how would you like to go to Hawaii?

Are you serious?

Pff.

Hell, yeah.

So, uh, what?

You couldn't change
your boyfriend's mind, huh?

Uh, no. I... I didn't ask him again.

Ah.

You know what? Good for you.

You don't need a man to tell you

to go have fun with another man.

[Chuckles]

Great relationship advice
for any situation.

Thank you.

You're gonna love Hawaii. It's amazing.

I know so many cool things to do.

There's this one place
where you can zip line

over an active volcano.

Oh, great.

You do that, and I'll be swimming

in a crystal clear lagoon.

If the volcano doesn't roast you
like a pig, we'll have lunch.

[Cellphone chimes]

Ah, crap.

"Crap," what?
That's not your boyfriend, is it?

I already booked us a shark dive.

No.

It's his mom. She wants to have dinner.

I'd rather do the shark dive

wearing a dress
made out of bloody seals.

Don't book that. I'm kidding, you know?

Your brain isn't fully
developed until you're ,

and drinking can interfere with that.

Throw in you being on
social media hours a day,

and you're gonna end up
a generation of morons.

So, get it together, kids.

Uh, we still have a half-hour.
Anybody have any questions?

So, it's okay to drink
as much as you want

after you turn ?

It's a slippery slope.

First, you take a drink.

Then your drink takes a drink.

Then your drink orders tequila sh*ts,

and you end up having
unprotected sex in a freezer

with a total stranger.

My story.

What a good answer.

So, thanks for coming by, Aunt Becky,

and I'll see you at home.

How do you know if you're
gonna be an addict

and not just a person
who drinks once in a while?

Well, I don't know about anybody else,

but I can tell you about you.

You've been chewing on
that pencil pretty good.

That's an early indication of anxiety.

If you don't get to the bottom of that,

you're gonna end up
doing nitrous poppers

under a bridge with
some deranged dentist.

My mom says I just need
to play outside more.

Mark, why don't you
help your aunt out to her car?

Come on, Aunt Becky.

We're cutting into time for
our chapter on domestic abuse.

Ooh! A lot of domestic abuse
is alcohol-related.

One of the women in my group
set her husband on fire.

It's okay! He lived!

You have the board, Jackie.

"Her-story" for $ , , Aaron.

She led the French against the English

in the Hundred Years' w*r.

Jackie?

Who is Edith Piaf?

No.

Maryann or Brock?

[Beep]

We were looking for Joan of Arc.

Well, there are two
correct answers, then.

Edith Piaf, "La Vie En Rose,"
w*r of the Roses.

I'm sure the judges would accept either.

No, Edith Piaf is a French singer,

and those are two
entirely different wars.

I know the histoire de la guerre.

Uh, we're really gonna do this?

That's the end of Double Jeopardy!,

and, Jackie, I am sorry,
but you're in the negative,

and you're not gonna be around
to play Final Jeopardy!

Great news for Maryann
and Brock... you will be.

And tonight, our category is...

Famous Cats.

Make your wagers, players.

- [Sighs]
- And we will be right...

[Television shuts off]

Well, you were on "Jeopardy!"

They can't take that away from you.

No. No, sir, they cannot.

The important thing is you had fun.

You had fun, right?

Fun? What are you talking about?

She just exploded all over
national television.

I think I saw little bits of her
on the camera lens.

- Oop.
- [Cellphone rings]

Well, hold on, because you
don't know the whole story.

Oh, hi, Mom.

Why did you think you had
to go on a show

where you have to know things?

Why couldn't you just go on a show

where you have to be naked and afraid?

What's the name of that show?

"Naked and Afraid"?

That's the one.

You'd think by now you'd know
you can't do anything

you set your mind to.

Yeah, I still have that
pencil case you wrote that on.

You're a small person.
Live a small life.

That way, no one else knows
when you're failing.

It's like passing gas in the bathtub.

You should be taking showers, Mom.

It's easier to slip that way.

But, um, just for your information,

I was about to tell everybody here

that right when they went to commercial,

they realized that my buzzer was broken,

so they're bringing me back
to be on a future show

to make up for their mistake.

- Oh.
- Hey.

It's your decision, dear.

All I'm saying is,
if at first you don't succeed,

get the message.

You're a failure.

All right, then. I love you.

Bye!

[Groans]

I'm... I'm Ben's mother, Barb.

Oh.

You must be Dan Conner's girlfriend.

Yes, I am.

You're riding that rock 'n' roll horse

till it drops, aren't you?

Well, aren't you a sassy old bitch.

Thank you.

I think... I think
it's a crime that people

aren't more honest with each other.

Yeah, and I think it's
a crime we're not allowed

to hit our customers, but here we are.

Oh, Barb, this is Louise.

I see you've danced with the cobra.

Just give us a minute
to look at the menu.

I'll give you till tomorrow.

That's my day off.

Must be a burden being liked
by everyone.

Look, I-I should just say
that it was not my intention

to create problems between you and Ben.

What I was trying to do
was create problems

between you and your father.

Oh, well, the important thing is,

you were trying to create problems.

You know what?

This is gonna go a lot better
if I have something to drink,

and since Louise is wisely
never coming back,

can I get you something?

Yeah, a margarita, frozen, no salt,

slice of lime, brandy floater.

You'll get what you get.

[Cellphone vibrates]

[Sighs]

What the hell are you doing?

Don't be rude.

I'm just trying to read your texts.

It's from someone named Jeff
who is talking about

the two of you going to Hawaii.

I-I thought you sold those tickets.

That's what Ben said.

Uh, well, I didn't.

And, yes, I-I'm going
to Hawaii with Jefflene.

[Laughs]

Am I supposed to believe
that's a girl's name?

Nobody does.
That's why she goes by "Jeff."

[Laughs]

So, you're going to Hawaii
with another guy?

All right, look,
it's completely platonic,

and I begged Ben to go with me.

Is that supposed to excuse it?

Well, four days in Hawaii
is not gonna hurt anybody.

Then why are you sneaking?

Because Ben wants me to sell
the tickets to pay for bills.

He doesn't get it.

I'm trying to live in the moment,

and now you're gonna tell Ben,

and it's all gonna get
blown out of proportion.

No, no.

I'm not going to tell Ben

because I'm hoping that
you will do the right thing.

You're looking at someone
who made a mistake

under the guise of living in the moment.

It wrecked my relationship
with my husband and with my son,

and it ruined my life.

Is that what you want?

Look, my friend d*ed,
and it made me realize

that we have like minutes
on this planet.

At the end, she was just trying
to live her life to the fullest,

and that's all I'm trying to do.

Yeah, well, Ben is spending
his minutes

living in the hardware store
to try to make this work.

How do you define "living life
to the fullest," Darlene?

Four days in Hawaii,
or sacrificing something...

like he is... to be with someone

who's going to love you
for the rest of your life?

Well, if I say Hawaii now,
it's gonna look bad.

Penny for your thoughts?

I lied, Neville.

"Jeopardy!" isn't actually
bringing me back.

Here's what happened.

And we are clear.

Hey. Get the...

Aaron, I have to talk to you.

I mean, I'm sorry, but I really
should be advancing, too.

I had every right answer.

Yeah, but you said it after you heard

one of the other contestants
say it first.

I... It's... Okay, I think that there's

something wrong with the buzzer.

Could it be possible
that maybe you were just

pressing it a little bit late?

Well, then, how do you explain this?

Oh, yeah, su...

Well, now that it's not costing
you a dime, it works great.

Look, the rules are the rules,
and I'm sorry,

but you're not gonna advance
to Final Jeopardy!

Just t-this.

I've been feeling this all game.

I understand.

I know you have to be hard on me

because you're feeling guilty

about the obvious chemistry here.

Between who and who?

In the meantime, why don't you throw

a couple thousand bucks into my account

'cause of the faulty buzzer,
and then, uh,

we can play ourselves
some Final Jeopardy!

[Laughs]

- Uh...
- Come on, man.

Man, ple... [Laughs]

My mother's gonna be watching this,

and I really don't want to
disappoint her again.

How about, instead,
I just walk you to your car,

and we'll make a little video
for your mother.

Yeah, that'd be so helpful. [Laughs]

Okay.

Uh, she's not really a sports person,

so if you could just say
you're Jon Hamm.

Sure, you got it. [Laughs]

Look, just meet me outside,
and, uh, you know,

I'll be right there
after Final Jeopardy!

Thank you, "Jon."

He was full of crap.

They had me in handcuffs the
second I hit the parking lot.

I should have told everybody
the truth, but I was so ashamed.

And now I'm just gonna have
to fess up and be the failure

my mother always told me
that I would be.

No. Not this time.
I know just what to do.

Okay, text your mother this. Trust me.

Okay.

"To my lifelong adversary.

I am going to turn this failure
into a success so big

that you will choke on it."

"And finally be dead"?

No, we're taking the high ground.

Send it.

[Cellphone chimes]

Oh, wow. [Laughs] This is amazing.

So, what's the plan?

I have no idea.

What? I sent it already.

- What do we do now?
- I-I don't know.

I mean, I came up with the text plan.

Now you do something.

But you don't even have an idea?

We'll come up with something.

Imagine how embarrassed
you'll be if we don't.

[Chuckles]

Okay, she's here. [Clears throat]

[Clears throat]

Hey.

What's going on?

Becky, uh, everybody
here wants the best for you,

but you're hurting
the people that you love.

This is an intervention.

What? I'm not drinking.

That's the problem.

So, you want me to start drinking?

No, no, of course not.

We're all very proud of what
you've accomplished.

We just want you to shut up about it.

Oh, I get it.

They warned me in rehab that
you guys wouldn't be as healthy

as I am and there'd be push-back.

So, I'm just gonna have to be
really patient with all of you,

and then you can come to me
when your lives fall apart.

That's all we're asking for.

Uh, oh, you know what?

Could you all stay here for a second?

I'd like to say something,
and I'd like y'all to hear it.

[All groaning]

So, I need to confess something to Ben.

I didn't sell the Hawaii tickets
when I told you that I did,

and I feel terrible.

But Molly d*ed, and I was
thinking about my mortality,

and that can make you do
really stupid things.

But I've sold the tickets now,

and I'm putting the money
towards my dad's mortgage,

and I cannot wait to move in together,

and I love you.

Well, thank you for those
very private thoughts

in front of your entire family.

I'm happy to hear that you can't wait

to move in with me for
the fourth or fifth time.

And, uh, thank you,
once again, for saying

that you won't lie to me
right after you do.

It's been a long journey back
to where I thought we were,

but by God, we're there.

Uh, okay, I deserved that,

but I have one more thing
to show you how much I care.

Please, everybody,
step into the kitchen.

[All groaning]

It's poker night with
the newest member of our family,

Barb Olinsky!

[Laughs]

What do you say, Dan?
Let bygones be bygones?

Sure! Nice watch, Barb.

Thanks, Dan. It's a woman's watch.

Won't be when it's on my wrist, Barb.

- I bet .
- Hmm.

Saw you on "Jeopardy!," Jackie.

Hope you don't fold here
the way you folded there.

BEN: Oh, Mom.

Don't bite, Jackie.
She's just baiting you.

She doesn't scare me.

All in.

- Oh! [Laughs]
- Oh!

Three queens. Sweet.

Yeah, the full Edith Piaf!

Wrong answer again!

Three aces.

- [Becky gasps]
- [Groans]

Hey, Becky.

Barb's on her third glass of wine.

Get her.