04x01 - Trucking Live in Front of a Fully Vaccinated Studio Audience

[bunniefuu]

Oh, The Conners is live right now

in front of a fully vaccinated
studio audience.

Wait, what?

Hey, I thought D.J.
wasn't allowed to cook

since the great grease fire of ' .

Leave him alone.

I'm just happy to see two people
cooking in this kitchen

at the same time.

It gives the illusion...

that all of our appliances...

- ...actually work.
- [Laughter]

You know, I think
doing that all the time

finally broke the seal
that keeps the microwaves in.

I was heating up a cup of tea

and it cooked the chicken
that was sitting on the counter.

You know, you can still change your mind

about marrying
into this group of maniacs.

Yeah. Because once you're in,
you can't get out.

I know. I tried.

Just stop. She ain't ascared
of none of you's.

Oh, sure, she's only seen us
on our best behavior.

This is your best behavior?

Have you ever seen one of us

wash our feet in the kitchen's sink
while you're here?

No, ma'am, you have not.

Hey, have you heard from Ben

since he said he was thinking
about breaking up with you?

- Nope.
- Oh, I think you're playing it right.

The best thing you can do

is give him the space he asked for.

Oh, yeah, I'm done with that.

Nothing good ever came from a
man thinking too long.

I did put down a hefty deposit

on an apartment to move in with him.

'Cause I want him to be sure
that I want to live with him.

Wow. There's an empowering message.

"I don't care what my kids want,

I'm getting my man's back."

Okay, all right, you'll understand when

you've destroyed a relationship

by being a pathological liar
like your mother.

Hey. When I lie, I lie strategically.

Pathological makes it sound like
I can't control it.

You were still going to
Hawaii behind Ben's back.

Stop using the truth against me.

Hey, Dad. I'm sorry about
dropping that b*mb

about me moving out without any warning.

It's always hard
when your menopausal kid

moves out for the fourth or fifth time.

Oh, oh.

Mark's shirt is not tucked in
and there's no product in his hair.

Something is wrong.

You're okay or you just give up
like the rest of us?

I was up all night
working on a school project.

Magnet school is way harder
than I thought.

Yeah. That's what you get for

trying to pull yourself out of
generational poverty.

We're rooting for you,
but we'll save you a spot.

My project is kind of about that.

Some scientists say that choices

we think we're making
of our own free will

are really determined by our genes.

So, I'm gonna call our
relatives all around the country

and see if they're like us.

Or there might be a Conners gene.

Wouldn't be faster to just
start looking for a cure?

I know I would be interested
in something like that.

What are you going to ask them?

Well, I'm gonna see if they
share any of our family traits.

Low paying jobs,
distrust of authority, alcoholism...

I just need the phone numbers
of distant members of our family.

I have anticipated this.

I have carefully curated

the numbers of our
cherished family in this drawer.

This will take you directly
up the answering machine

that allowed us to avoid them.

Dead, dead.

I thought he was dead.
He turned up in Pakistan.

Cousin Kenny. You have to call this.

You probably gonna be
recorded by the feds.

All right.
Well, let's try one right now.

Hey, this is Mark Conner from
the Lanford Conners.

Is this Adrian Conner?

Yes, it is. Hey. How are you?

Hey, where are you from?

- I'm from Tampa, Florida.
- Nice.

Well, cool, I'm here with
my family right now.

ALL: Hi!

- Hi.
- And...

And I'm doing a survey
about the Conners for school.

I'd like to ask you a question.

- I have a relative who drinks beer...
- Sure, yeah, please.

I have a relative who drinks beer all day
and hides in the garage.

D-Does your family ever get on you
about any of your habits?

Um, definitely not that problem.

Uh, bad habits, oh, yeah.

I do have one bad habit of
chewing my fingernails

and I do get picked on for that.

But I watch a lot of scary movies,
so I kind of...

- That's my excuse.
- Yeah, that's fair.

Well, thanks for being a Conner. Bye.

Hey, what's this?

[Cheers and applause]

[font face="Bahnschrift" color="# ff "]Subs by kinglouisxx
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- There you go, thanks, Robin.
- Oh. Thanks, Dan.

- Hey.
- Hey.

I was just over at Madame Sweet Cakes

and took a picture of the most
perfect wedding cake.

- What do you think?
- It's beautiful.

But $ is a lot unless
we're going to live in it.

- [Laughter]
- [Sighs]

Come on, it's cheaper than
the other one I showed you.

I keep telling you, it's not worth it.

Once my family digs into that thing,

it's going to look like a
frosted seal after a shark frenzy.

Hey, you guys.

- What do you think of this cake?
- Oh, wow. $ .

What is it made out of, Elon Musk?

All right, I guess I'm outnumbered.

I'll see you later.

- What are you looking for, ladies?
- Uh...

Can't be bananas,
'cause we don't carry banana.

Oh, save your fancy salesman patter.

Now, we're just putting up
some big screens

for the Lunchbox's
reopening as a sports bar,

and we need mounts.

And Jackie also needed a few things
for crowd control.

I'm filling in for Aunt Becky
while she's at her rehab retreat.

We're going to open with a beer special.

Bring your own beer helmet,
and we'll fill it for $ .

It could get ugly, so...

Uh, I'm gonna need an axe handle

and a... taser.

Aisle three.

Hey, is Ben around?

He's still living his best life

in the little camping section in back.

- Good luck, honey.
- Thank you.

I'm going to take a bag
of these pork rinds.

Who can say "no" to a cute little vegan
with crispy pig parts?

Better run, Darlene,
it's a lot further than you think!

[Laughter]

- JACKIE: No. Darlene!
- DAN: Where are you going?

JACKIE: It's the set opposite
Wellman Plastics!

Where your bedroom used to be.

[Knock on door]

- Hey.
- Hello. Hey.

I brought you some pork rinds.

Oh, thank you.

I've had my eyes on these
since I put them on the rack.

Uh, I also brought you this.

Whoa.

You put $ down on an apartment?

No, I put $ down on us.

I am dead serious
about us living together,

and I want to show you that I'm finally

putting you before everything else.

Okay. Well, this is big.

I believe you're serious.

And?

Well, I wasn't expecting this.

- I might need a minute.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

I want you to be sure,
because I know I am.

So, absolutely, take a minute.

[Sniffs]

- Oh, you didn't mean that literally?
- No.

Oh, okay.

- Hi, is this Lisa Conner?
- Yes, it is.

Hi. Hi. This is Mark Conner
from the Lanford Conners.

My sister is going to ask you
a question, but first,

my family's broke and
riddled with heartbreak.

So, what do you think is more important,

money or love and why?

Uh..

Money. 'Cause you can always buy love.
[Giggles]

- Yeah, no, you're right.
- Fair enough.

So, here's my question.
I'm a tattoo artist.

If I could give you any tattoo,
what would it be?

Uh, probably a flower.

Just something generic and pretty.

Okay.

Something I could live with
my whole life.

- [Laughter]
- Okay, cool.

Well, thanks for being a Conner. Bye.

[Applause]

Uh, excuse me.

Can you tell me where
Darlene Conner's office is?

- My I ask who is calling?
- Just tell her Ben, thanks.

Oh, wow, you're Ben? Okay.

You, uh... [Chuckles]

You don't look like an uptight
buzzkill at all.

You look more like a hipster
werewolf sort of guy.

Well, thanks for your opinion,
guy I didn't ask.

- And you are?
- Jeff.

Jeff. Darlene is my boss.

And I didn't...
I didn't mean anything by that.

I'm just saying that you look like a guy

who would want to go to Hawaii.

[Forced laugh]

Darlene told you about Hawaii?

Sure, yeah, yeah.

W-We all share stories at lunch.

[Sighs] You know, I can't believe that

you would ask your lady to use
her vacation money to pay bills

when she clearly needs some
emotional downtime.

It's a douche move, dude.

Okay, I think I've heard
about enough about Hawaii.

Now, just point me to Darlene

unless you want to end up stuffed
into one of those boxes.

No, guys, stop. Ben, it's not his fault.

I-I only invited him to Hawaii
because I was so mad at you.

Okay, that is not at all what
we were talking about.

But I'm guessing that
that is what the two of you

are talking about now. Peace out.

You're gonna go to Hawaii
with another guy?

What the hell?

You know I came down here
because I wanted to tell you

I wanted to move in with you.

I cannot believe I was ready
to trust you again.

No, you can trust me.

It was totally platonic.
It could have been a girlfriend.

Oh, if it was a girlfriend,
you would have told me about it.

And a platonic trip to Hawaii?
The entire island is one big bed.

Ben, please, let me talk.

No, everything that comes out
of your mouth is a lie!

We will never live together.

We'll never be together.

This is over!

[Clattering]

I can't get Darlene to stop cleaning.

I mean, I feel bad that Ben
broke up with her this morning,

but to be honest,
the living room is spotless.

Uh, Darlene, you have to slow down.

Why don't you stop,
have a glass of wine, we'll talk.

No, just let me do this.

If I stop, I'm gonna start crying again.

Hey, Ben just found out about Jeff,

give him a chance to cool down.

No, it won't work, okay?

He's done. I could see it in his eyes.

I'm just gonna have to accept the fact

that I'm gonna live
the rest of my life alone.

Darlene, you are not alone.

Right, thank you, I know.
You've always been there for me.

No, I mean, there's a lot
of messed up people like you

who don't deserve good relationships.

- Oh, my God.
- That doesn't mean you can't change.

I mean, I did,

but the chances of lightning
striking twice in the same family...

I'm going to jump in here.

Here. Come on, just stop.

Look, sit down.

I know this is devastating.

But I know someone
out there who can help you.

No, I've already been to a therapist.

No, there's another way.

It's a little less traditional.

Okay, it's a life coach.

I guess I could come out of retirement.

No. You stay retired.

I'm talking about a spiritual adviser.

- Like a psychic?
- Oh, that's a great idea.

Those people are magic.

One of them told me once
to stop being a life coach,

- and it happened.
- [Laughter]

Right after the state told me.

[Sighs] Look, she's not just a psychic.

She has great insight.

She helped me see things about myself

that helped me make better choices.

Before I met your dad, I was a mess.

Now I'm in the best
relationship of my life.

Wow!

Uh, I don't know.
It just seems like a little Wu Wu...

Oh, come on, Darlene. You know me.
I'm not a Wu Wu person.

- What have you got to lose?
- All right.

I-I'll give it a sh*t.
And I can't feel any worse than...

Oh, no, you could feel way worse.

You know, sometimes you think
this is the bottom,

but this is just a trap door
to the next layer of hell.

Jackie!

There's room for both of us
to help, Louise!

Thanks for helping Darlene.

Well, we're about to become family.

So, I want everyone to be in a good mood

when they come to our big,
fancy wedding.

There, I said it. Now get used to it.

You want a big wedding?

How are we going to do that?
We don't know that many people.

Well, you don't, but I do.

I have a big family and lots of friends.

The only difference is
I don't live with them all.

[Laughter]

I'm willing to pay, Dan.

Trust me, you're going to wish
you had that money back

to do other things.

Here's a little secret.

I was very happy I married Roseanne.

But if we had shacked up,
I could have had a boat.

I don't want a boat.

But I wish you had one
so you could sleep on it tonight.

I'm going back to my place.

What did I say?

I was at the wedding.

Would have been a pretty crappy boat.

[Laughter]

Louise said to say thank you so much

- for squeezing me in.
- Oh, sure.

I'm just finishing up my dinner.

Yeah, you know, you're nothing like
I thought you'd be.

No beaded curtains, no crystal ball,

and you're not all scarfy and jangly
like Stevie Nicks.

She's a doubter, Ann.

Oh, well, maybe she gets that
from your mother Beverly,

because I am sensing...

Ooh, she's a nasty old buzzard.

BOTH: Oh.

That's unbelievable.

I mean, it's one thing to get the name,

- but to get the right kind of bird?
- [Laughs]

Let me see your hands.

Yo, before you start on this mess,

my boyfriend, Neville, is he the one?

And also, you mentioned my mother.

I haven't heard from her
in quite a while.

Could you check the afterlife?

'Cause I-I just don't want to...

waste people's time with a silver alert.

ANN: Um...

- It's unclear.
- Which part?

Whether I should be paid
for one reading or two.

- Oh, gotcha.
- Mmm.

Let's see here.

Mm.

- Oh, my God.
- What? What?

I've never seen anything
like that before.

You're surrounded by such a toxic cloud,

that I can't see your future.

Toxic cloud? What does that mean?
I-I don't have a future?

Well, no, it's... [Sighs]

Your cynicism and
your skepticism is so strong,

I can't pierce the veil
to give you a reading.

It's like I can't get any light from you.

You have no spirituality.

You are spot-on!

Can I split a reading
over two credit cards?

Look, I don't understand.

I came here because
my boyfriend dumped me.

What does having no spirituality
have to do with it?

Well, it's like having barbed wire
all around you.

No one can get close to you.

Am I completely off base here?

Have the rest of your
relationships been healthy?

No. They haven't.

All right. So, how do I change it?

- Can you cast a spell or something?
- [Laughs]

Someone loved Hocus Pocus
as a child, huh?

No. If you want change,

you need your spirituality to connect

with something that's larger
than yourself.

- Are you talking about God?
- It just depends.

That's your journey.
I can't help you with that.

Well, there you go.
God, no God, it's up to you.

Now, why don't you scoot over

and let me take the rest of the session.

Scoot over. Scoot over!

[Grunting]

LOUISE: Really?

Good morning.

How did you sleep?

Stick it in your ear!

Okay, look, I'm just confused
why you want a big wedding.

You're like me.
You don't like a lot of fuss.

You don't need fancy things.

I know it's a shock.

That a tough gal like me would want...

a church and a dress
and a big wedding cake...

The whole thing.

It's a shock to me, too.

But it hit me last night.

It's because my parents
never had a real wedding.

They just went down to the courthouse

like they were paying off
a traffic ticket.

That's how their marriage felt.

Well, I wish I had known that.
Now I feel like a jackass.

You are.

But the main thing...

is you have to hear me
when I tell you what I want.

You had years of marriage
with Roseanne.

To learn, to read each other's minds.

And when we've been married
for years,

you can do the same with me.

From that urn on the mantlepiece.

I think you mean Folgers can,

- but I get what you're saying.
- [Kissing]

[Applause]

[Music playing on TV]

DAN: What are you watching?

Oh, it's a documentary about
Einstein and religion.

I'm trying to understand how
a logical, educated person

can get to a place
where they believe in God.

Wait, is my little atheist
losing faith in her lack of faith?

- I am completely lost.
- [Sighs]

[Sighs] The psychic said that I need
spirituality in my life

if I'm ever going to change.

Do you think there's a God?

I think he's on a break right now.

But he occasionally returns a call.

[Door opens]

Hey!

- Did you go back to the psychic?
- Yeah.

- What's wrong?
- It's bad news.

It's my mom.

Still not dead.

[Laughter]

[Sighs]

Surprised to see me, right?

It's been a long time.

I know I said you don't exist,

but I am gonna try to believe in you.

[Sighs]

I once asked my mom
if there was a god and she said...

"Well, if there's not, we're screwed."

So, I hope I'm not screwed.

Hey, thanks for Mark.

And by the way,

maybe some day you'll explain to me
why you gave me Harris.

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.

And if I die before I wake,

well, I'll know you're still pissed.

Amen.

Hi, is this Kerry Conner?

Yeah, it is. Hi.

Hi. This is Mark Conner
from the Lanford Conners.

Um, I have a question for you...

D-Does your family ever get on you

about any bad habits that you have?

Um, lots.

Oh, okay.
Well, thanks for being a Conner.

Bye.

Hey, how is the search
for the Conner gene going?

Well, half the Conners
are broke and drink like fish.

But they're really great people.

I hope we get to meet them
in person some day.

Oh, I went to a cousin's picnic once.

They stole my shoes and my Monchhichi.

I can't wait for the reunion.

So, what's your conclusion?

Oh, it's a mixed bag.

Some of the Conners
are doing really well.

So, who knows?

You know, I think it is up to you.

I think your genes set you off
in a direction,

but you can change that direction.

Like for example,

we don't change the sheets
a lot in this house,

- but we could.
- [Laughs]

Yeah. And if nothing else,

now I know my genes
might be trying to destroy me,

so failure can't sneak up on me
like it did you guys.

Oh, no. It didn't sneak up on us.

It rang the bell and
we opened the door and said:

"Hi, we've been waiting for you."

[Applause]

ALL: Here's to you, Norm!