04x03 - Sober Sex, Plastic Silverware, and Losing My Religion

[bunniefuu]

Ohh!

Look at you doing your homework
before you go out to play.

If you get an "A," I'm gonna
put it up on the fridge

right next to your
clean colonoscopy results.

This family's accomplished so little,

anything without polyps is a win.

[Sighs] I'm working my sobriety steps.

I'm on step four...

making a fearless
moral inventory of myself.

Oh, yeah? I took
my own inventory recently.

I found I was running low on patience.

That was just my clever way of saying,

"Get your asses over here
and help with the dishes."

Now I have to add that to my list.

"Haven't told my father
he's not really that clever."

[Chuckles]

I'm so proud of you for being sober,

but you were a lot sweeter
when you were drunk.

Sometimes I miss my tipsy little angel.

Hey, you still have
your barren little devil.

Um, can I borrow that?

Add "Being mean to your sister"
to your list.

Oh, you don't have a pen!

[Laughs]

Oh, when you were little,
it was so cute when you fought.

Now it's just two bitter old
spinsters going at it.

[Sighs] My next step is making amends.

Mikey's coming to town,

so I'm taking him out to lunch
to apologize

for lying about being a giant success.

Why? Someone out there
should think you're a winner.

Because we're friends, and
I want to be honest with him.

I know that "honesty" and "friends"

are not concepts that
you're familiar with,

so just continue to stare at me blankly

and think about yourself.

No, that's not what I was doing.

I was thinking about telling Pastor Phil

why I ran out of church the other day

and how I'm still gonna need some path

around the smoking hole
that Ben left in my heart.

Huh, look at that.
I was thinking about me.

DARLENE: So, when I looked in the Bible

and I saw my mom begging God
to stop her pain,

I just... I freaked out, you know?

Well, I believe that God's heart
was the first to break,

but, ultimately, we're in charge
of our own destiny.

I am sorry about your mom.

Thank you. Yeah, I just...

I didn't want you to think
I ran out because of you.

[Chuckles] No.
I never had a runner before.

I made it work for me.

When you left, I told the
congregation when you came in,

you weren't able to walk, so hallelujah!

The real miracle is that you got
me into church at all.

I hope they got you, like,

a Red Robin gift card
or something for that.

You know, I-I am still
looking for a place

to find spiritual guidance.

Well, there's a lot of ways to do that.

It, uh...

doesn't have to be the church.

Oh, yeah. Thanks for understanding.

Kind of thought you'd fight
a little harder for me, but...

It's gonna take some time, Darlene,

to find the path that works for you.

I know your mom's gone,

but is there anyone else in the house

that you can talk to about
what you're going through?

Well, there's my Aunt Jackie,
but that's kind of like saying,

"Well, there's Daffy Duck."

Anybody else?

There's Louise, my dad's fiancée.

I mean, she's really grounded,
and she's been through a lot.

But I don't know.
I'd love to talk to her.

I'm not really close enough to her

to dump all my toxic baggage in her lap.

She's marrying your dad.

Now is the time
to build that relationship.

And then later, when you're
closer and she trusts you...

boop, boop, boop.

[Blows raspberry] Toxic baggage.

x - Sober Sex, Plastic Silverware,
and Losing My Religion

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Knock on door]

Hey, Mikey. Thanks for coming.

- You ready to go to lunch?
- I can't.

Why not?

I wanted to tell you some things I did

that weren't so great.

But they're too embarrassing.

And I don't want to see the pity
in your eyes, so here.

I wrote it all down
in case I chickened out.

Becky, we're friends.

You can tell me anything.

Turn around.

Okay.

I totally lied about going to college

and being a huge success.

The truth is, I'm a recovering alcoholic

who wasted a lot of years

making really bad choices.

I am so sorry.

Uh... [Clears throat]

I know that was hard.
Thanks for telling me.

That's it? You're not mad at me?

No.

No, I had a feeling some of
what you said wasn't true

once I figured out Vasterflagen
wasn't a college,

it was an Ikea cabinet.

[Laughs] I-I panicked.

I almost said "Chumbawamba."

[Chuckles]

Look, why don't we have lunch
and catch up for real?

I want to hear about your actual life.

You sure you want to hear
the gory details?

Hey, you're not the only one

that's done something
embarrassing when they're drunk.

Try challenging a four-year-old
to a dance battle

at a family picnic and losing.

I can top that.

I repeatedly tried to order a
piña colada from a bank teller.

♪

Okay, guys, I need help.

Mark and I are trying to make
place cards for the reception.

Does anyone know where the other
half of the big scissors is?

Where'd you find half a scissors?

Sticking in the dart board.

I got a bull's-eye.

Oh, you know what?

I do have more scissors
in the sewing drawer.

Nobody around here sews,

so they were probably used
on toenails or something,

but they should do the job.

Listen, when you're done
with place cards,

how about grabbing
a cup of coffee someplace?

You and I never do that.

Well, I'd love to, but I got
a long list of things to do,

and Mark charges me a dollar
every time I get behind.

Okay. Oh, you know what? How about this?

I will jump in and help you, and
we can catch up along the way.

You shouldn't be doing all this
on your own anyway.

Well, that would be fantastic.

So, what can I take off your plate?

Well, you can save my life right
now if you can help me find

a reasonable place to rent silverware.

"Silverware"?

Is the queen coming?

[Chuckles]

No, here's what Dan and Roseanne did.

You get those plastic utensils
that look like silver

at the Dollar Store,
but you just got to remember

you can't really use the Kn*fe and fork

to cut anything actually,
like Salisbury steak or pot pie,

because they just snap off,

and then you're just poking
at your food with a handle.

I appreciate that.

But, you know, we're gonna do
things a little bit differently

than Dan and Roseanne.

JACKIE: Okay!

Silverware rental. Got it. Easy.

Oh, thank you so much.

You know, for food,
I am deciding between

two different caterers...
Italian or Polish.

You know what? You can eliminate
your silverware problem

by serving Moroccan.

You eat with your hands,
they do great vegetarian.

You know what? I actually think
we've got a menu here someplace.

Um, that's really interesting,

but my family's
not really into spicy food.

They're more into
meat inside other meat.

Oh. Okay.

Um, yeah, see, this is why

we have to spend more time together.

I never knew that about you.
But that's all right.

We'll just circle back
on the dinner thing.

Oh, but you know what
we do have to get you

is a great wedding dress.

You know what? I said
if I ever got married again,

I would wear black.

You are so rock and roll.
You just have to do that.

Yeah. Well, you know, um,
here's the thing...

I already got the dress.

And I decided to go a little
more "Here Comes the Bride"

and a little less
"Don't Fear the Reaper."

Okay, yeah. Well, you know what?

There's a lot of other things on
this list I can help you with.

Um... Oh, you know what?

Instead of Moroccan, let's do Ethiopian.

I love that we're doing this together.

I can't believe you picked out
the wedding dress without me.

I'm less hurt than I am concerned.

I didn't.

I want you and Harris
to pick it out with me.

Everyone's energy is just so intense.

I'm... I'm too stressed
to deal with that right now.

You're stressed?

I'm planning a wedding
without a clipboard.

♪

[Exhales sharply]

So?

One spin, please.

Okay.

Keep spinning...

until the dress flies off you
and back onto the rack.

Why? What's wrong with it?

It's your wedding day,
not Friday night at "da club."

Go classic.

Look, I don't even know
why we're doing this.

Weddings are just a scam to make
women spend money

on an institution
created to oppress them.

You know, you left out the best part...

All the bridesmaids
get to wear the same dress.

How do you feel about
being oppressed in green?

So, we're supposed to look disgusting

to make you look beautiful?

Welcome aboard.

♪

But I was too drunk to realize

the coin-operated horsey wasn't
going to outrun the mall cops.

[Laughs]

I'm... I'm sorry.

I feel bad for laughing at your stories.

[Chuckles]

I mean, I'm proud I got sober,
but I'm not out of the woods.

My dad's wedding's coming up,
so that's gonna be tough.

If it'd help, I could go with
you and be your support system.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Thanks!

I can't even imagine
dealing with a real date yet.

And what if I really like the guy?

Sober sex terrifies me.

You'll figure it out.

I don't know.

You have to look into their eyes.

You got to say nice things.

You got to... figure out
when everybody's done.

That is hard.

That's why I try to be polite
and yell out, "I'm done,"

so there's no confusion.

It's gonna be scary.

I was never self-conscious
because I was drunk.

I get it.

Look, if you're with a guy

and you start to feel self-conscious,

just remember that you're smart,
you're beautiful,

and he's only thinking about
how lucky he is.

That's so sweet.

Do you want to have sex with me?

I'm sorry, what?

If I was drunk, that would have
come out so much better.

No, no.

You said it fine...

and... I'm flattered.

But why me?

Because I trust you, and I want
to get it out of the way.

You must have been a much better
flirt as a drunk,

because that was really subpar.

No! I mean you're my friend,
and you don't judge me.

Come on. Don't leave me hanging.

Okay.

But I wish you'd mentioned something

before I ate a whole
meatloaf sandwich and pie.

[Laughs] Don't worry.

I'm packing lasagna and a full
order of mozzarella sticks.

This whole thing is gonna be
embarrassing and awful.

Let's make some magic.

♪

Here we are.

Wow. This is a really nice hotel room.

That's a nice lamp and nice drapes

and a nice...

little stumpy stool thing.

Look, it's totally cool if
you're having second thoughts.

Oh, no way. No way.

We are getting this done.

Where should we start?

Uh, well, the last time I did
it, it started with a kiss.

That was pretty good, right?

- Okay.
- Okay.

I think I'm ready
to move this to the bed.

Oh, too fast?

It's all good.

At some point,
we're gonna need to be naked.

I agree.

Why don't we do some more
of the kissing stuff,

and then just let it happen?

[Chuckles] Right. Okay.

Were your eyes open the whole time?

I forgot what to do with them!

I'm so freaking nervous,
I can't even tell you.

Hey...

Remember, you're smart,
you're beautiful,

and the guy is thinking about
how lucky he is.

How about we turn off the lights,

and maybe we'll feel more comfortable.

Yeah, that'd be good.

BECKY: [Claps hands]

Okay, I'm naked. Let's go.

Sorry, still stuck trying to get
this knot out of my shoe.

Aw, forget it.

I just need the important stuff naked.

We're trying to figure out
what Bears fans are gonna like,

so you got to drink like a Bears fan.

You're sipping!

I'm busy.

I found this great place
that makes plastic flowers

from recycled tires.

This wedding is gonna have
no carbon footprint.

Mm...

Every bride dreams of that.

I got to hand it to you.

You got kicked to the curb
after proposing to Ben,

and here you are jumping in
to help out Louise.

I mean, it's healthy, right?

Uh-huh. Well, I think so,
but I'm plowed.

[Cellphone chimes]

What's that?

Instagram.

This is weird.

Harris is with Louise at a bridal shop,

and Louise is trying on dresses.

Son of a bitch, they're dress-shopping

for the wedding without us?

Well, I don't get it.

She told us she already had the dress.

Well, she's obviously lying.

Well, why would she do that?

I'll tell you why.

It's just like a man

to try and silence strong women
with opinions.

She's a woman, Jackie.

It's all the steroids in the meat.

[Coughs]

We should go down there

'cause she shouldn't think
she can get away with this.

Yeah, I-I guess we have to.

Man, I-I was only suggesting things

to make the wedding better.

I can't believe she's excluding me

- like I was trying to ruin it.
- Yeah.

I mean, if she didn't want you there

because you dress like a house
painter or, you know, you...

she felt like you were gonna
bring everybody down...

your face does pull the sun
right out of the sky...

then she should tell you that
instead of lying!

This is why I never come to you, Daffy.

♪

♪

You okay?

Okay?

I was fabulous!

I totally crushed sober sex!

I know my favorite moves,

but you tell me what you liked best.

I liked them all.

Yeah, but rank 'em.

This is just like high school.
You want a grade.

Everything was "A"-plus.

You're getting a free ride
to Vasterflagen.

Ha ha!

I really appreciate
you doing this for me.

I have a confession.

I dreamed about this happening
when we were in high school.

I had a huge crush on you.

Really?

Yeah.

And I... kind of still do.

What?!

The last time I saw you

I remembered how much I liked
you, and now, after this, I...

No, no, no!

You can't have feelings for me!

I never would have had sex with you

if I knew you actually liked me!

Why?

We're great together.

Everybody knows that
the strongest relationships

start out as friends.

Mikey, you're an amazing guy,

but I'm not ready for a relationship.

In rehab, they told us
that we should wait a year

until starting anything
because if it didn't work out,

it could send us
right back to the bottle.

That's the last thing I want.

Ohh, I'm sorry.

Have I ruined everything?

Yes!

[Chuckles] Look, I-I'm kidding.

I'm... Hey, I'm kidding.

You didn't ruin anything.

I should have told you how I felt.

[Laughs]

Yeah, it's your fault
for being in love with me.

I can't blame you, though,

me being so damn good at sex and all.

Hey! I think I was pretty good, too.

Which of my moves was your favorite?

The one where you called me a goddess.

[Sighs] I can't get less sexy.

It's not the dress. It's what's in it.

I love it.

Whoa.

I can't believe you fought so hard

about not wearing a bridesmaid's dress.

You look great in it.

I didn't put it on because you asked.

I put a poll on my Insta,

and apparently a bunch of basic b*tches

wanted me to perpetuate
this stupid tradition.

I'm betraying my entire
generation by doing this.

Well, you don't have to wear it
if you don't want to.

No, no. I'll do it for you.

Oh, hey, Louise. Nice dress.

What happened to the other one?

You have to return it
to the house of lies?

Okay, I'm sorry.

I wanted a smaller group doing this.

Well, then, why didn't you just tell me?

I would have understood.

Yeah, why? She's nice!

I saw her get born!

She didn't cry!

Would you have understood?

Everyone was coming at me so hard

with their ideas this morning.

No one seemed to care what I wanted.

Oh, it's not everybody. Be honest.

You just think I didn't care
what you wanted.

It didn't seem like you did.

You just kept pushing stuff
that you wanted.

Oh, right.

Because Darlene's all about herself.

She couldn't have possibly
wanted to do something good

for somebody else.

You know what?
I think they were great ideas,

and if you didn't like them,

you should've had the balls
to tell me to my face

instead of sneaking around with my kids

and making a fool out of me.

And if the dress is supposed
to look like that

on all the bridesmaids,

I better hit puberty real damn soon!

What the hell is wrong with her?

What do you think?!

She has no chest!

She's gonna need suspenders
to keep that dress up!

♪

I think you and Louise should talk.

Oh, well, she's your bride.

I don't want nothing to do with her.

I already apologized to you for lying.

I don't want all this bad blood
before the wedding.

We should talk it out.

Oh, there's nothing to talk about.

I mean, I was just trying to help you.

But you were so offended

by the thought of vegan Ethiopian food

or a black wedding dress.

I would have loved to have that
at my wedding.

But it's not your wedding.

I know that, Dad.

Do you, sweetie?

Well, okay, yeah, I mean, sure,

these are things
that I-I might've done, too,

but I'm not getting married.

Right. Yeah.

I'm not getting married.

You will, though.

And now we're gonna know
all the things to do for you.

You're still messed up about Ben.

It's gonna take some time
to let that go.

[Sighs]

I am so sorry, Louise.

I... I-I can't believe I did that.

Look, I understand.

And I really wanted to like
all your wack-a-doodle ideas.

It's just not me.

I just want you to know

that this all started
because you're so great.

My mom's gone,

and I just wanted to get closer
so we could talk about stuff.

I have so much toxic baggage
to share with you.

And I can't wait to hear
all your toxic baggage

and to share
all my toxic baggage with you.

You know, after it leaves the room.

You want me to leave

before you have
your big, weepy girl talk?

Please can I stay? No? Okay.

♪

Whatcha doing?

Oh, Louise asked me to pick out
some centerpieces.

Ah, snooze!

I had sober sex with Mikey.

Wow!

When you make amends,
you don't go halfway.

How was it?

Great.

Turns out I'm really good at sex.

Oh, well, there's your next career.

Do what you love, you never work
a day in your life.

Jealous?

Always.