04x10 - Spills, Pills and the Midnight Lasagna

[bunniefuu]

[Tapping cup] Okay, okay!

- Speech, speech!
- Yeah!

You made the dean's list.
Let's hear something smart.

Okay, chill.

I was having a really hard time,
I was barely getting C's,

but I stayed focused,
and my boyfriend, Logan,

helped me a ton, and then...
I don't know...

something just clicked,
and I made the dean's list.

So, yay for me.

- Hey, hey!
- Yay, you!

And... And he did it at
a magnet school, no less, huh?

You know, the girl that does my hair

has a boy in magnet school.

The problem is, he keeps
sticking to the refrigerator.

Stop right now.
Don't anybody laugh at him.

We should've never
bought you that toilet paper

with the jokes on it.

It makes going to the bathroom
fun again.

I really appreciate all the presents,

but, please, no more
Bass Pro Shop gift cards.

I know it's a re-gift,
even when you cross out

"Happy Birthday, Dan."

Hey, I stood in line to
get that for you.

Okay. This baby-shower cake
was the only thing

the bakery had left,
so I had to improvise.

Congratulations!

It's a genius!

Hey!

Hey, Mark. Nice job, dude.

Oh. Hey, Harris.

I meant to call you,
but I just didn't want

to bother you now that
you're living at Aldo's house.

Don't apologize.
I know you didn't invite me

'cause you thought I'd be jealous,

but I love my little brother,
and I'm happy when he does good.

- I know that.
- And who knows?

Maybe if Mark does really good,

you'll let him decide who
he wants to fall in love with

and won't throw him out of the house

like a dog who crapped on the rug.

Anyways, that's all I wanted to say.

Love you all. Goodbye.

Want me to ask her to come back?

No, let her save a little
something for Mother's Day.

Well, hey, let's get this
cake going, huh?

Now, everyone who's ever been
on a dean's list goes first.

Don't even try.

Hey! The dean said I was on his list.

He just didn't say which list.

Give it to Grandpa. I'm kinda full.

I'll have some later.

What? How can you be full?
You didn't eat lunch.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just
so excited, I'm not hungry.

That's not a Brussels sprout, son.

That's cake.

You don't eat cake 'cause you're hungry.

You eat it 'cause that's all
you got until there's beer.

You haven't been eating much
lately. Are you okay?

Didn't you hear what I said?
I'm not hungry.

Uh, he's just tired
from studying so much.

And we've been eating a lot of pizza

and hot dogs and stuff.

You know, brain food.

Well, maybe next birthday,
I should give you a gift card

to a pizza place,
and you can give that to him.

I don't fish. Let it go.

- Hey.
- How did you get in here?

You're not supposed to be working.

Came in the back.

I wanted to try out
this cool leg scooter.

Stew comin' at ya, Bill!

[Horn honking]

Whoa!

There, we got it. There you go.

You didn't need a full bowl anyway.

Those jeans are screaming, "Help me!"

I know why you're doing this.

Neville and Helen are coming by
to get Logan,

and you don't want him to know

that you're not as fit as his ex.

This has got nothing to do with Helen.

I might be a couple
of years older than her,

but I could still kick her ass.

I mean, if somebody held her
still and I could roll into her.

Helen! Neville.

Wow. Look at you walking around already.

Yeah, right back at work.
Can't keep me down.

No, but I think your
basketball days are over.

Next time you fall, I might not be there

to carry you to the sofa.

Well, technically,
we were still playing.

You just scooped me up

so I wouldn't keep dunking on your ass.

Isn't it a little quick
for you to be back at work?

Oh, no, ankle's better than before.

Watch this.

Moonwalk.

- [Horn honks]
- Whoa, pardon me.

What'd I eat this morning?

What are you doing?

She's hiding the scooter
because she doesn't want you

to feel sorry for her
or try to help her.

She's what the doctors call "an idiot."

Is this why you've been
avoiding me the last few days?

I haven't been avoiding you.
I just haven't needed you.

I can take care of myself.

Ready to go.

Okay.

Please, go home and rest.

I'll stop by tomorrow afternoon.

Oh, I thought we were hiking.

Oh, right.

I'm taking them to
the Michigan dunes tomorrow.

Huh? Well, I can hike!

Look, I don't need this stupid thing.

Watch, I'm standing without it.

[Inhales sharply]

Oh, there's something on
the floor I got to get.

[Crying softly]

Don't look!

Just trust me... she's fine.

All right. See you later.

JACKIE: Bye-bye!

x - Spills, Pills and
the Midnight Lasagna

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Did anybody notice
there's a fully cooked lasagna

in the fridge that wasn't there
last night?

The only person here
who makes lasagna is Louise,

and she's still on tour.

There has been a rash of Italian chefs

breaking in to houses and cooking meals.

But that's mostly been ravioli,

so I don't think it's related.

Well, hopefully we're in
the middle of a turf w*r

and the cannoli g*ng breaks in
to send a message.

I see you guys found my lasagna.

Enjoy.

Wait. When did you make that?

The middle of the night?

I had trouble falling asleep.

Probably too much coffee
while I was studying.

And I felt bad about
snapping at everybody

at lunch yesterday, so lasagna.

Okay. I think we've got
an eating disorder.

But he didn't eat it.
He made it for us to eat.

Okay, I think we've got
a cooking disorder.

Finally, somebody in this family
has a disorder we can use.

You think there's a problem?

First he's not eating,
and now he's not sleeping.

And Mark hates coffee.

Oh. He hates our coffee.

He might like good coffee.

I've seen this before,
when I was a truck driver.

People up all night driving,
a little jumpy in the morning,

no appetite.

He's on the cocaine.

He can't afford cocaine.

If we pooled all of our money,
we could barely afford meth.

Bitch took my coffee.

Hey, I made you some more coffee.

If you didn't sleep,
you're gonna need it

to get through school.

Yeah, sure, thanks.

I'll put it in my thermos
and drink it on the bus.

Oh. Well, you better taste it
to make sure

it's strong enough for you.

I'm sure it's fine.

Well, you won't know
unless you taste it.

[Sighs]

Yep, that's a good cup of coffee.

All right, we need to talk.

You did not stay up all night on coffee.

You're not eating. What's going on?

Nothing. Everything is fine.

You know, Jackie thinks
you're on cocaine.

Oh, my God. It's not cocaine.

Wait. So it... it's something?

Yes. It's just pills for ADHD.
It's not like dr*gs or anything.

Oh, my God. Yes, that is dr*gs...

for kids who have ADHD,
which you do not.

Where did you get it?

You're making a big deal out of nothing.

It's like my generation's
version of coffee.

Yeah, your generation
also ate detergent pods.

You're a bunch of idiots.

Now give me the pills
and tell me where you got them.

Please, I-I only take them
when I need them.

And they're helping me.

I was drowning at this school,

and now I'm on the dean's list.

Just let me keep taking them
till my midterm.

No! Give me the pills now...
all of them.

Okay, okay.

- Here.
- Wow.

A breath-mint tin?

What would've happened if I came in here

and was looking for a breath mint

and took one of those?

Well, you probably would have
been more focused and motivated

and had your own house
and no credit-card debt.

That's the dr*gs talking.

You know, I-I didn't fail in life

because I didn't take enough dr*gs.

I failed because I'm not
very good at my profession

and I'm not particularly
pleasant to be around.

♪♪

- How's the pain been?
- It's not bad.

Nothing aspirin
and a little morphine sh*t

directly into my spine
wouldn't take care of.

I was hoping the swelling
would go down by now.

- Mm.
- If you're gonna get better,

you really need to stay off your feet.

Well, I'm a working woman, Doc.

If I stop, this country
will grind to a halt.

So, what've you got so I can go hiking?

Oh, hiking?
What kind of job do you have?

- Forest ranger.
- She's not a forest ranger.

- I start tomorrow.
- She owns a sports bar.

She just wants a painkiller
so she can keep her boyfriend

from going on a hike alone
with his hot ex.

Has the family impressed on her

that she needs to take care of herself?

Well, I certainly have.

I know the importance
of taking care of yourself.

That's why I work out and eat right.

How old do you think I am?

?

- [Both laugh]
- .

- Really?
- I know.

You might want to present me
at a conference or something.

I know.

Uh, are you looking for something?

Huh? Me? No. I'm just a curious person.

You're not looking
for painkillers, are you?

Just tell me if I'm hot or cold.

I gotta get off this ankle.

All the narcotics
are locked up, Ms. Harris.

But I am gonna give you
prescription-strength ibuprofen.

Ibuprofen?

Come on, Doc, load me up.

Let's clear Jackie for takeoff.

You just have to understand
you can't rush this.

At your age, everything heals slower.

"At my age"?

What are...

You talking to me?

Well, he wasn't talking to me.

He thought I was .

[Chuckles]

You're not a kid anymore, Ms. Harris.

The... The body works
differently at your age.

Quit saying that.
I don't even want anything anymore.

Come on, Becky, let's go.

Uh, by the way, um,
I left my cell number,

so if you need to check up on her

or you just are having some kind of...

loneliness emergency...

JACKIE: Beck-ay!

♪♪

Gimme all your s.

Mm, go fish.

How's Jackie's foot?

Oh, her foot's coming along,

but the doctor used
the phrase "at your age,"

and that's gonna take a while to heal.

Mm. She looks so good,

we left her unprepared for this moment.

This is our fault.

I mean, how hard is it
to take a little time every day

just to say, "God, you're old"?

You're right, and I won't make
the same mistake with you two.

A little less time in the sun, girls.

I don't think I have to worry.

Did I mention the doctor
was flirting with me?

Careful.

Didn't you say recovering
addicts have to wait a full year

before starting any relationships?

No, not if it's a doctor.

Doctors and billionaires are exempt.

Hmm. Just watch out if you
get involved with a guy

who comes with a prescription pad.

I'm a booze-hound,
not a pill-head like your son.

Different rules.

Hey, he gave me all the pills,
I told you.

- It's over.
- Oh, man.

How many times in high school

did you give me "all" your weed?

Never, and now I'm gonna look
through Mark's backpack.

Wait.

Before you go any further,

think about whether or not
you want to violate his privacy

and destroy the trust you've
been building for a lifetime.

Found it.

Uh, I cannot believe he lied to me.

And these are Logan's. Of course.

[Sighs] What we need to do
is ask an expert

what these pills can do to
somebody who doesn't need them.

Now, I don't want anything
to happen to Mark,

so I'm gonna change
into something tighter,

put on some makeup, and FaceTime
that doctor I met today.

Logan, out.

Why? What did he do?

He gave you these.

Oh, there they are.

Uh, why were they in
your backpack, Mark?

I was holding them for you, Logan.

I-I never said anything
about a backpack.

Come on, you're both on speed.

You should be a lot sharper than this.

Sorry.

See you later.

No, you're not gonna see him later.

The next time you see him,
he's gonna be a fat,

middle-aged man, married
to his female best friend.

Oh, my God. You're really doing this?

You won't let me see my boyfriend?

- You lied to me.
- I had to.

I can't compete at this school
without the pills.

Well, then stop competing.

You don't have to be
at the top of your class.

If you fall a little behind,
it's not the end of the world.

Yes, it is.

Finishing in the top %
of my school is the only chance

I have to get a scholarship
to a good college.

But you're not eating,
you're not sleeping...

if you're already taking dr*gs
to get through high school,

college is only gonna be worse.

You have got to find
another way, all right?

You're a really smart kid,
and I know you'll catch up.

No, I won't.

You know that cake Aunt Becky got me?

Well, you didn't have a genius.
You just had a boy.

♪♪

Whatcha doing?

Doing a deep dive on
Dr. Nash's Instagram.

I was starting to think,

"Why is a guy this great still single?"

That's exactly how
they start every podcast

about a serial k*ller.

He can't be a serial k*ller.

He has an adorable
Sheepa-doodle and a boat.

So far so good. Any family?

Both parents dead.

No one to shame him for
marrying below his station.

Promising. Anything else?

Okay, here we go.

Civil w*r re-enactor.

Hmm. Not necessarily bad.

Which side?

Uh, Gryffindor.

Here's a picture of him
with a broom between his legs

running around a park.

I'm so sorry.

Ugh!

Is Jackie here?

She wanted to talk to me
about something.

Jackie! Neville's here!

I want to see your expression
when she comes in,

then we're outta here.

Ha! Too good. Let's go.

Let's face it, Neville... I'm old.

I, uh... I'm decaying as we speak.

What are you talking about?
You just hurt your ankle.

No, it's much worse than that.

The doctor told me I'm not gonna
heal fast because of my age.

And I never thought of myself as old,

but now I'm aware of all
the changes that are going on.

I can barely see at night.
I'm shrinking.

I don't think I hear
all that well anymore.

You're responding to
everything I'm saying.

Well, I must've learned
how to read lips.

Exaggerate your vowels, would ya?

You are not old, you are crazy.

You deserve better, Neville.
You should go with Helen.

Unlike me, she's got a lot of
good years left on her.

I don't want her good years.

I want your good years.

Well, you missed them! You were !

Look, I have to go to work,
but I will come by tonight,

and we'll talk more about this.

Fine. If you can't find me, look down,

as I'll probably be smaller.

♪♪

[Laughs]

You still watching the Flex Seal guy?

Oh.

I'll save you some time...
there's no plot twist.

Nothing leaks.

I'm not really watching.

What's wrong?

Mark's convinced himself
that he can't keep up

at the magnet school without the pills.

Sounds like a no-brainer.

He's telling you he can't
handle it... yank him out.

Yeah, then I might be
k*lling his future.

I think I'm just gonna
keep him in the school

and hope he adjusts to the workload.

But I am gonna have to
watch him like a hawk.

Well, what does that even mean?

You're gonna drug test him every day?

If I have to.

That's a nice bonding moment.

I think Norman Rockwell painted that.

It's called "A Specimen for Mother."

I don't... I don't know what else to do.

It's not like he was
doing it to get high.

He just wants a sh*t at a better life.

Well, you can also say
a person is doing meth

just to save time brushing
those difficult-to-clean teeth.

But there's gotta be a way of doing that

where you don't destroy yourself.

You don't want him to end up
like your mother.

Well, it's not the same thing.

God, this is hard.

It is when you love them.

Well, you know,
there's gotta be some way

that I can help him
get through that magnet school.

I mean, I just can't
take it away from him.

You're the mom.

Oh, look... the Flex Seal guy's
a giant now,

patching up the Hoover Dam.

Why isn't this guy running the country?

Way more qualified than that pillow guy.

I'm back.

[Door closes]

Uh, why all the copper bracelets?

Oh, it's good for the rheumatiz.

I ordered one with my name
and address on it

so people could return me
after I wander off.

[Sighs]

Okay.

I think I figured out that this
is all about Helen.

I told you that.

Okay.

That's where I got it. Okay.

Well, I did something that
I think will make you happy.

I got a friend of mine to hire Helen

at a small-animal practice downstate.

She'll be closer to Logan when
he's in Oklahoma with his dad

and farther away from us.

Oh, thank you!

That does make me happy.

Oh, and it straightened out
your Dowager's hump.

Yeah, I might have overreacted.

I think it comes from
our age difference.

I didn't think it bothered me,
but then Helen came along,

and I was bothered.

I get it.

But if anything,

you're the younger one
in this relationship.

I mean, you drag me out of the house,

you push me to be more active.

I can barely keep up with you.

That was just an act I was putting on

because you're younger than me.

I don't want to be active.

I want to sit and let myself go to hell.

Well, me too. Let's go to hell together.

Oh, that would be nice.

[Both chuckle]

[Laughs]

I'm gonna start to smell.

[Both laugh]

I work with zoo animals.
I won't even notice.

Aww.

♪♪

[Knock on door]

Figured you might be hungry by now,

so I brought you a snack.

Sorry, can't take time to eat.

Your son who can't keep up
has to k*ll himself

to get that C.

Yes, about that.

I know I made a big deal about
you being on the dean's list,

and I am sorry if I put
too much pressure on you,

but we will figure this out.

Yeah, you work on that.

How much coffee is too much coffee?

I feel dizzy and like
my heart's gonna explode.

How much have you had?

I don't know. Like three of these.

That's crazy, Mark.

You can't drink that much coffee.

I've worked too hard
to just throw this away.

I need something to stay up
all night so I can study.

Your hands are shaking.

Okay, that's it. You're done.

Don't take that. I need that.

I have to pass this class.

- No, you don't.
- Why not?

Because I'm pulling you out
of the magnet school

and re-enrolling you in public school.

No! No way! I can do this.

I wouldn't have to drink so much coffee

if you just let me take
the stupid pills!

Look at yourself.

You're shaking,
and you're begging for pills.

No school or grade or scholarship

is worth that, all right?

You're a smart kid.

You're just not cut out for this pace.

You don't understand the consequences,

so I'm just making a decision for you.

I do understand the consequences.

You're dooming me to a life
of struggling like you guys.

No, lots of kids get into good colleges

from public schools.

And, yeah, we struggle,
but we're also happy.

Is this your first day here?
Who's happy?

I don't know, but somebody's got to be.

Your grandpa found Louise.

That's about it.

Fine. Pull me out of the school.

You know, Mark, you're gonna
succeed wherever you go.

I will, just not the way you want me to.

I'm gonna do whatever it takes
to do better than the rest of you.

Nothing's gonna get in my way.

- The rules no longer apply.
- Oh, really?

The rules do apply as long
as you're under my roof.

I'm not gonna let you do
anything stupid,

but if you do,
there will be consequences.

Until you're , and then you
can be as stupid as you want,

and if the Conners before you
are any indication,

it's gonna be Nobel Prize stupid.

- I hate you.
- Then I'm doing my job.

You were right, Mom. I did say
that to my kids one day.

The noise is coming from the trailer.

I'm gonna open the door,
poke whatever's in there.

When it comes flying out at you,

you catch it in the bag.

I saw a guy do this on the news.

Did it work?

They didn't show that part.
It was too graphic.

- Ready? Okay.
- No!

Aah!

Ow!

We're gonna need a bigger bag.

What the hell are you
doing in there, Harris?

Trying to sleep.

Why aren't you at Aldo's?

Aldo said I can't stay there right now.

Please don't tell my mom.

She'd be impossible
if she knew she was right.

Oh, and we can't have that.

All right, for the time being,
you can stay in there.

I'll get you a space heater
and some food.

Thank you.

And you can have this stick
to feel safe.

Don't need it.

Aldo gave me this.

You might want to knock next time.