02x02 - The Daria Hunter

[bunniefuu]

And finally, we will be teaming up with the Science and Language Arts departments for an interdisciplinary field trip to Jim's Paintballing Jungle.

An activity that some of you may find more taxing than sleeping through class!

Um... the League of Nations?

And why are we going to engage in simulated combat?

Daria?

Because no high school education is complete until you've chased your fellow students around the woods with toy g*ns?

Your sarcasm amuses me, Daria.

I hope it provides you comfort when you're cowering in a foxhole.

No, we're going to study how warfare impacts all aspects of culture.

Now, we're going to need parent volunteers.

That is, if any of them can pull themselves away from their six figure jobs as sycophants!

Yes, Kevin?

My dad's not a sycophant, Mr. D. He's a contractor!

Kevin, stay close to me when you get to the paintball range, okay, son?

Sure!

Are fish using our oceans as their own private toilet?

A Sick, Sad World exclusive, right after this.

The bathroom's down the hall, or there's an ocean that way.

Ugh. This room is even geekier then I remembered.

I'm sorry, the maximum occupancy is one.

Please exit through the front.

Look, I know how you like to embarrass me and say we're related and stuff, but please don't tell Mom and Dad that they're looking for paintball volunteers, okay?

But I already sent out their invitations.

Ha ha. You didn't, right?

Relax. We work together for the sake of a common goal: no mention of paintballing or volunteering from either one of us.

Agreed.

Later, after we have achieved this goal, we'll resume the age-old hostilities that have made peace in this region of the house a seeming impossibility.

Good plan.

Quinn?

Do you think this hair style means something?

Because it doesn't.

But you never...

Can't I experiment with a new look if I want to?

Of course, but I...

All right, all right!

The whole school's going on a paintballing field trip.

Put away the red-hot poker.

The Fashion Club put me in charge of figuring out a style to prevent helmet hair.

I didn't know they were going to do it! I can't take all this pressure...

Don't b*at yourself up. You held out a good ten seconds.

Paintballing! That's exciting, isn't it, Daria?

No.

Daria, this trip would be very good for you.

You'll get to know your schoolmates and your teachers.

I smell lots of recommendations for college!

That's funny.

All I smell is fifteen pounds of Magic Braid hair gel.

Those letters can make the difference in getting into your first choice school.

Only if you have a first choice school.

Jake, tell Daria...

Oh, my God, I have to fix that loose floorboard all the way at the other end of the house.

Actually, I should probably deal with these teachers directly.

Hey, do you want to finish out the semester for me?

It's what an involved parent would do.

Mom, I think you've already demonstrated your involvement by pretending you're going out of town whenever Mr. O'Neill calls about school review meetings.

That man is just so... creepy.

I don't suppose they need volunteers for this...

No!

Oh, darn!

All right!

Now lets see which side of the bus can sing the loudest!

Left side!

"When Johnny comes marching home again, hurrah, hurrah!"

Come on, left side, don't be shy.

Thank you, Mr. O'Neill, for your tireless dedication to reminding the students how out of touch we are.

Now, we're going to discuss the history of guerilla warfare.

"Only 20 miles to the Great White Shark."

You know, sharks don't really like to eat humans.

They usually just tear out a bite and swim away.

Very much like my sister's dates.

I mean, sure, they often take a vital organ or two with them...

I appreciate you trying to cheer me up, but it's not going to work.

Come on! Let's play a word game!

How about geography?

Nah, you have to, like, know stuff for that.

What about Monopoly?

Monopoly isn't a word game.

I know that.

Can I be the racing car?

So it's decided: no matter what happens, we won't sh**t each other and mess up our outfits.

If I fire on a fellow Fashion Club member, may I wear brown pants with an elastic band for a whole week.

If I fire, I'll wear taupe pantyhose. The shiny kind.

Stonewashed jeans.

Glasses.

Quinn, don't worry about anyone hitting you. Cause I'll protect you.

Me, too! I'll be your bodyguard!

They'll have to k*ll me first.

Well, okay!

Come on!

Let's ditch paintballing and go visit the Great White Shark.

It'll be cool.

No, it won't. It'll be stupid, and we're already doing something stupid.

But this stupid thing will be our idea.

Not interested.

There are plenty of tiny-brained prehistoric creatures right here.

Surprise!

What are they doing here?

I guess tormenting me in the privacy of my own home wasn't enough.

Daria, isn't this great?

I called your mother about the school review, but she was going out of town that night and asked if we were looking for paintball volunteers!

I only wish more parents cared enough to take such an active role in their children education.

Me, too!

Yes...

If we walk fast, we can see the Great White Shark by ten.

We also have an exact replica of 'nam's infamous POW prison, the Hanoi Hilton.

Special discouts for weddings.

Colonel, or whatever.

Where's the ladies room?

Oh, there are "comfort stations" scattered about, but they're really well camouflaged.

Hey, you! Come here!

Me? Watch this! Hey, you! Come here!

Me? Watch this!

Jake!

Isn't it great? A whole labyrinth of underground tunnels.

You could get lost down there for days.

Yeah, great. Uck, worms!

So, seize this golden opportunity to say, "Private Young Person reporting, sir or madam, ready, willing, and able to explore the true meaning of teamwork."

Let's go, team!

That's it, Brittany!

Who else on Team Red wants to say something before we begin?

Jane...?

Now, Jane, there's no "I" in team.

Oh, shut up!

To understand the disruptive nature of w*r on society, first we must understand its shattering impact on individuals.

I realize it's foolish of me to assume that any member of Team Blue even knows what physical pain feels like, outside of a paper cut!

Yeah, what a bunch of... ahh!

Sorry. False alarm!

That's okay.

Eww, that's your uncle?

Now, remember the object of the game is to sh**t to k*ll.

Excuse me. Isn't the object of the game to capture the enemy's flag?

Whatever. Move out!

Now, before we go out on the b*ttlefield, would anyone like to share their feelings with...

Now that Mr. O'Neill has predictably deserted us in our prime, I will take command.

All right, if we spread out in a long line and sweep towards the flag...

Excuse me, Ms. Barch?

Since they can't see us very well because of the terrain, we can split up and they won't know where we are, then we can att*ck them from three sides, drive them out to the one side that they think is safe, and then set up an ambush so we can capture them all at once!

Probably be a good idea to set up a secret observation post on the high ground so we can watch them without them seeing us.

What?

That's very good, Brittany.

Okay, team, let's go!

Come on Jane!

I'm more of the mercenary type.

You know, lone wolf working on their own type of thing.

Good idea.

If Plan A fails, you can come in on a rescue mission!

The men are sh**ting!

Ow! Those paintball thingies hurt.

Oh, no, you're hit.

You're out of the game.

Oh, well.

Poor kid. She never had a chance.

Somebody in a movie once said, hell is the possibility of sanity.

That's what this place feels like.

Hell. I hate it already.

And it's only been an hour.

Some damn hour, Grandma.

Daria, you could at least try.

I can't sh**t my own mother. Not with paint, anyway.

Daria, I'm out here giving my all.

Why can't you for once...

Helen Morgendorffer!

Oh, hi, Eric!

Yes, I'm out here in the middle of the woods, can you believe it?

The memo? Didn't Stephanie give it to you?

Sorry.

What took you so long?

I mean, just because you dump a guy for his older, cuter brother, does that give him the right to hold a grudge?

Men are so immature.

You know, if I knew we were going to be running around in the dirt, I wouldn't have worn my good sneakers.

Will you guys shut up? I think I see something.

Hey, Quinn, is that your cousin?

Way to go, Quinn. Our leader!

Hey, I just bought this.

Sandi? What are you doing here?

I was looking for the bathroom, and all of a sudden you started sh**ting at me.

I thought we promised not to do that.

I would never fire at you, Sandi.

I didn't recognize you with your goggles.

Yeah, I mean, why are you wearing them? They're so ugly.

Because those are the rules.

Well, some rules are made to be broken, like wearing red lipstick with an orange sweater.

Or black mascara with blond hair.

Besides, you fired on us when you were already hit, and that's against the rules, too.

Yeah.

Gee, if everyone's on Quinn's side, maybe Quinn should be president of the Fashion Club.

Don't be silly. I would never try to be president, as long as you were around.

Really?

Sure. I mean, do you really think that I could replace you?

Okay, Kevin, do you think that atrophied, pea-sized cluster of cells that you refer to as your brain can remember the complicated instructions I just gave you?

Um... "get the flag"?

Very good, Kevin.

Freeze, babe.

Ow! Those paintball thingies hurt!

I'm going to get a welt!

w*r's not pretty, Kevvy.

Sorry

Rotten, dirtbag liars! All of you!

Ms. Barch, stop sh**ting! Those paintball thingies hurt!

I trusted you, dammit!

Two decades of legal sl*very, and still you throw it all away for a halter top and a pair of pumps!

Madam, I believe you've got me confused with someone else!

I'm not your ex-husband!

I know that, but he's not here!

Good. I was feeling too dry.

Maybe we should turn back.

Maybe your mother will lend you a raincoat.

Shut up and keep walking.

We're hear to see the Great White Shark.

Oh, it's a beauty, ain't it?

It's a tooth.

You wouldn't say, "it's a tooth," if you know the legend of Great White.

Woman have been programmed to lie about their age for so long, no wonder people think forty looks like fifty.

I'm glad that's over.

Amen! Thank God men no longer look at us like sex objects.

You said it, sister.

So do I look forty tw... four?

Would you like my...

Forget it, you man!

But I was just offering my...

Twenty two years of my life, gone!

And all I have to show for tending to your every need are the corns on my feet and a big rash on my chest.

Go ahead, it's all right. Let it out.

Oh, why don't you just go back outside with your w*r mongering sex and destroy something weak.

Venting feels good, doesn't it?

You have every right to feel angry, and to express that anger.

Hi! It's raining cats and dogs out there!

What a unique perspective on the situation.

Until Great White was captured two months ago, he terrorized the eastern seaboard, chomping on tourists and spitting them out like bad red wine.

Excellent.

It was the peak of tourist season, when a m*nled body washed up on the shore, scaring the beachcombers...

Which one of us do you like best?

Which one of you wants to take me to Chez Pierre?

I'll take you!

No, no, me! I've got the money!

Quinn's so cute.

Yeah.

Cuter than me?

Oh, no. You're way cuter.

Not that looks are important.

No way.

I wish I could find that bathroom.

I think it's over there somewhere.

Where's Sandi?

Oh, you know Sandi. Always looking for a bathroom.

She looks really cute today.

Cuter than me?

Oh, no. You're way cuter.

Of course, the mayor claimed that the chewed-up bodies were the victims of a propeller, but the people knew better.

Excuse me, but isn't this the plot of Jaws?

No, no! This is completely different.

That's when they called in the great shark hunter.

That's when they called in... me.

I'm glad to see you take such an interest in your daughters, Mrs. Morgendorffer.

Well, it isn't easy raising two teenagers all by yourself... with Jake.

Of course, I like to think the school environment also plays a pivotal role.

Absolutely.

Although it would be nice if the students got a little more encouragement.

Maybe a bright kid like Daria would have a better attitude.

Did I say something funny?

With all due respect, I can't think of a prison that could create an attitude like your daughter's, much less a school.

No, I always assumed that came from interaction with her parents, or lack of it.

Oh, so you draw a distinction between prison and school.

Because from what I've heard, you run the one pretty much like the other.

I don't have to listen to this!

No, you don't!

And by the way, you look fifty!

I tried harpooning Great White, but the massive beast shook them off like so many toothpicks.

I tried tying him down with floating barrels, but no.

Great White said, "I will have none of this!" So the captain decided...

The rain's letting up. Let's get out of here.

Then that little snot Richard Dreyfuss decides that it was all his big game...

Just what good is signing a prenuptial agreement with another if we don't first sign one with ourselves?

I never thought it possible.

You're sensitive, yet you're a male.

Oh, well, ...

Quinn, come on!

Quinn! We're leaving!

Come back Quinn!

Quinn! Come back!

"When Johnny comes marching home again, hurrah, hurrah..."

All right, is everyone accounted for?

Yes. Okay, time to go!

Wait! I don't see the Morgendorffers.

Oh, well, what can you do.

Besides, they drove here.

They can drive themselves home.

That is, if someone hadn't taken their distributor cap.

Wait!