02x03 - Quinn the Brain

[bunniefuu]

Now, as I'm handing back your essays, you may have strong feelings about the competitive and discouraging aspects of grading.

I care about what you have to say.

Who would like to start?

Is an F+ the same as a D-?

I don't believe I've ever heard of an F+, Jordan, but we can talk about it.

So she said, but we can talk about it.

So she said, "I got those eggshell leggings like you told me," and I said, "Eggshell? I told you eggplant!"

You're kidding!

Quinn? Was there something you wanted to say?

Um, I didn't get my essay back.

That's true, Quinn. I'm afraid I need to see you after class.

I'll save you a place at the mirror.

Quinn, I'm so sorry, but we need to talk about your performance.

Okay, but I'm kinda in a rush today.

Let's go over our last assignment, "How I feel about polyculturalism."

You wrote, "I definitely prefer all-cotton."

I didn't copy it, if that's what you mean.

No, no, I believe you. The thing is... now I don't want to panic or upset you please, take this in a constructive spirit but I'm afraid you're not doing well in Language Arts.

Okay. See you tomorrow!

I don't think you understand!

You're going to have to get an A on your next essay to maintain a passing grade!

You mean, passing as in "passing or failing"?

Yes! But don't worry.

All it will take is some commitment, dedication, and hard work!

Oh, no!

You can do it, Quinn!

You know, when I was in high school, I wanted more than anything to be on the gymnastic team, but I just couldn't master the high bar.

So I practiced every day...

And the big tryout came and you made the team.

Well, no.

But that winter, I learned how to write while holding a pencil in my teeth.

Quinn? What is the meaning of this?

I put in another twelve-hour day and the first thing I see when I get home...

Jake!

Ah! I'm up! Jake!

Ah! I'm up!

Where are the girls? Ah! I'm up!

Where are the girls?

They were here before... I think.

I'm very upset about this.

Oh, yeah, I know!

See, I was trying to call the number for Movie Phone, and out of nowhere this woman comes on the line...

Jake, what are you talking about?

That's not the phone bill. I... what is that?

It's a letter from Quinn's teacher.

She's going to fail English because she's not putting in any effort.

I'm going up to go talk to her.

Wait a minute.

Why can't I ever be the one to talk to the girls?

Honey, it's not that you can't.

It's just... a strong parenting team is like a singing group.

The lead singer carries the tune, and the backup singers support her.

That's you!

But what do the backup singers do?

You chime in at just the right moment and then you fade into the background.

Doesn't that make sense?

Do I get a tambourine or something?

Mom, can I borrow...

I'm just going to go run down to the animal shelter and see about volunteering.

I heard they got in a new bunch of sick birds.

Quinn, this note came from school.

Don't worry.

All I have to do is get, like, an A on my next essay and I'm fine.

I'll take the Vegas odds on that one.

Daria, we need to be encouraging.

Sit down, Quinn. Honey, this isn't just about one essay.

It's about setting goals in life and going after them.

You know, when I was in high school, I wanted more than anything to join the swim team...

No! No! Please, not again.

Mom, if you're going to reminisce, I'm afraid I'll be forced to call Social Services.

All right, Quinn. Let me try to put it another way.

No matter what you decide to do in life, a solid education...

You gave this talk when I got caught cutting my... when I forgot where my math class was.

Helen, let me.

Honey, did you ever here the tale of the ant and the grasshopper?

Ewwww! Bugs?!!

Try imagining it this way, Quinn...

You could be left back and be the oldest freshman at Lawndale High.

You know what? I gotta get to work. Bye!

That's my girl!

You see how it's done?

Daria, are you in there?

No, I'm taking it easy in Tahiti for a few days.

Hang on, I'm just ordering another tray of coconut daiquiris.

Um, I was wondering if...

I don't think so.

I just need a little help with my essay.

Like, could you write it for me?

And what's my motivation again?

Come on, Daria, we're sisters! We gotta stick together.

Unless we're in public, you mean.

But you're so smart, and this essay's so important.

Believe me, I would do it myself, but I have a date.

Oh, that's different.

When does the subject of compensation come up?

Ten?

Twenty.

Fifteen.

Done.

Thanks, Daria. This is going to work out for both of us.

I mean, I get my essay written, and for once you'll have something to do on a Friday night instead of sitting around like a loser, you know?

That's it, Shakespeare. Do your own damn homework.

Um, is this Quinn's house?

Someone by that name does live here.

Cool!

She's upstairs doing schoolwork.

I gotta pay more attention when I get these addresses!

Corey, I just came down to say I can't see you tonight. I have to write an essay.

Good one! Come on, I've got a special evening planned.

Let's go! Before there's a line at the drive-in.

No, really, Corey, I have work to do and you have to leave. Sorry!

Quinn, what have they done to you!

Did you just spend two hours dressing up to go the door for one minute and dump your date?

Daria, if you look your best when you blow a guy off, it makes them feel like you care.

Well, that advice should prove very helpful.

Sometimes your shallowness is so thorough, it's almost like depth.

Thanks. All right, twenty.

No.

Fine! I hope you realize you're making me do my own homework!

That is a scary thought.

I have a special surprise everyone.

One of our students has so improved since last week's essay, I'm going to share her work with the class.

I really like your leggings.

Yeah, but now I have a shoe thing. Strappies?

Platform jellies!

Quinn, you're so smart!

Only about important stuff.

Quinn?

Um, I didn't get my paper back.

That's right Quinn, because I'm going to read it aloud!

Oh, no.

"Academic Imprisonment," by Quinn Morgendorffer.

"So go ahead! Lock me up with your homework and your tests!

Rob my freedom with your reading and your thinking!

As far as I'm concerned, the only difference between school and prison is the wardrobe.

Or do you want to take away my outfits, too? The End."

Wow. Would anyone like to share their reaction?

May I please change schools?

There. Now it's on full display.

Quite the door of achievement.

Come on, kiddo. You want to encourage your sister, don't you?

To get her own place, yeah.

Hey! It's my daughter the genius.

Our own academic achiever.

We're all so proud of you. Aren't we, Daria?

Sure, if you mean proud as in "stunned."

Mom, Dad, making you happy is the greatest reward I can ask for.

Of course, when other kids get a good grade, they sometimes get like a little present.

Now, Quinn, I really think...

I'll handle this. You're absolutely right, sweetheart.

You get an A, you should be rewarded. Here ya go!

Thanks, Dad.

Wait. Isn't that a double standard?

You just gave her a twenty for getting one A.

What about all the As I get for free?

Yeah, but this is a special occasion, so Quinn gets a special reward!

It's a motivational thing.

But won't that demotivate your other daughter, whose work is consistently good?

Yes, Jake, where are you going with this?

I wasn't finished.

Daria should have a consistent reward for her consistently good work.

And Quinn should have a special one-time reward for her one-time effort!

But what about a higher reward for maintaining a standard of excellence over time?

Perhaps with compound interest?

Here, just take it!

Helen, I told you I was no good at this parenting crap!

Hey, Quinn, you're famous!

Oh, you guys. I'm just really popular.

He's talking about your essay in the Lawndale Lowdown.

The school paper?!

It's in the Smart Thoughts column.

I'm ruined.

"Academic Imprisonment," by Quinn Morgendorffer.

It's great, isn't it?

"No light shines through these four brick walls.

For the school is my prison, and its teachers my imprisoners."

I'll bet you didn't even know that the word "imprisoners" existed.

Yeah, but now I can't wait to use it.

Why exactly is this great?

Because now Quinn's going to see firsthand what is feels like to be a brain.

Listen to this.

"Like a hamster on one of those wheel things, school runs us around and around until we yearn for the little food pellet.

But only more homework awaits."

You know, it's like she read my mind.

Right after you suffered a severe blow of the head.

Could you put that away? They're everywhere.

What are you doing here? b*mb scare at your table?

Keep it down, okay?

I'm trying to keep a low profile since the paper came out.

Lucky for you, the Pulitzer committee already finished eating.

They had the meatloaf.

You must be very excited about what people are calling you.

What?

"Brains" Morgendorffer.

Come on, because of one little essay?

It's a slippery slope. Behold, the future.

Last week, they were trying out for football, then they won one debate tournament.

What am I gonna do? I can't be a brain!

My friends will hate me!

Yes, but just think of all the new friends you'll make in Chess Club.

Maybe I can steal all the newspapers before anyone else reads them.

Hey, wait a minute, "Brains."

You don't even have lunch this period, do you?

Of course not! I cut Science to talk to you.

You think I'd sit with you while my grade is at lunch?

About that being mistaken for a brain thing?

I wouldn't worry too much about it.

Why do you have to study during study hall, anyway?

Quinn's tutoring me in English so I can stay on the football team. Mr. O'Neill set it up.

Kevvy, I could tutor you! I speak English too, you know.

Babe, I've got a plan.

I'll bet you do, you, you high school Casablanca!

No, babe, I'm doing this for us.

I'm going to, like, observe the way a brain acts, and then we could act that way and be cool, too.

Oh, Kevvy. You're so smart. You're already a brain in my eyes.

Thanks, babe.

Only Quinn could turn being smart into a fad.

Don't worry. Today it's brains, tomorrow pierced tongues, then the next day, pierced brains.

Well, it's not like it's going to get her anywhere.

So then Mr. O'Neill said I could skip the rest of his class and go to lunch early because I was catching on so fast.

Isn't that great?

You asked to see me?

Daria, you know I'm a big, big fan of your writing.

But lately, it seems kinda of, I don't know, flat.

I'm looking for something a little more... jazzy!

You want me to put in a drum solo?

I was wondering how you'd feel about some one-on-one tutoring.

Sort of a mini writing workshop.

There's somebody I want you to meet.

She should be here any ...

Hi, you wanted me to... ...help somebody?

Do you two know each other?

I should have said, "I don't need tutoring to write like her.

Just some big crayons."

Tough day.

I'm not letting it get to me.

Yeah, I can see that.

Look everyone! I wrote another poem while I was eating my fries.

My turn to read!

"The greasy fry, it cannot lie.

Its truth is written on your thighs."

Wow. Quinn. That's amazing.

Beautiful.

Genius.

I know!

Hold it. I think I feel a poem coming on.

Sorry, false alarm.

Yeah, I might do writing for a career.

It's not like real work or anything.

Really. I mean, how hard it is to type stuff?

And there are lots of opportunities.

Like, did you know they pay money for those poems inside greeting cards?

Oh no! I've been giving my poems away for free!

Did a mime crawl in here and die?

I'm putting together an outfit.

For your information, this is how deep people dress.

Yeah, deeply affected people.

Thank you. By the way, do you know what existential means?

Because today someone told me my writing was existential, so I thought I should coordinate, you know, with wardrobe.

Yeah, that's what Camus would have done.

For your purposes, existential means

"pseudo-intellectual poser with accessories from the street fair."

Listen, I'm still available if you want help with your writing.

Does this black match?

Matches my mood.

Can renegade surgeons transplant your brain while you sleep?

The frightening truth, next on Sick, Sad World.

Is something bothering you, Daria?

No.

You know, it's all right to have a heart to heart with Dad.

I've been known to do a little parenting in my time.

It's okay.

What's on your mind? I'm up on the issues.

dr*gs, peer pressure... or is it a problem with your g*ng?

It's more of a personal issue.

It's not... hygiene or anything...

Dad, let's say you have an identity that you didn't even like...

Oh, sure! Like, one day you wake up middle aged and resenting the hell out of it.

Um, okay.

But even though you don't like this identity, somebody suddenly comes along and steals it from you.

And you're upset. You earned that resentment, it's your right.

Well, it's more like, you didn't want this identity, but if they take it away, you've got nothing.

What do you do?

They took your identity, Daria? Then you walk away.

You change your name, move to another state, get some ID.

It's not too late to start over, Daria, it's not too late!

You're still a young man!

You don't have to live with your mistakes!

Get out while you can!

Um, you're not going to shake me, are you?

What I meant was, you hang in there and everything's going to work out Dad, talking to you has made me feel better about myself.

That's what I'm here for, kiddo.

Backup singer. Ha!

Yeah, I just found out poems don't even have to rhyme.

How easy is that?

There's a problem, Quinn. We need to talk.

What problem?

It seems that other girls are following your weirdo example and abandoning their fashion statements to wear all black.

Dressing in black is a fashion statement.

It's deep, it's meaningful, and it's slenderizing.

Not according to this.

Everyone knows that eggplant is the current neutral.

Well, I can't help it if I have influence around here.

People admire me for my brains.

That's not how the Fashion Club works.

You're officially ordered to take a fashion sabbatical until you get your priorities straight.

I'm concerned about Quinn.

We need someone close to her to make her see the error of her ways.

But who?

I had a plan. We'll talk to that girl she knows.

You're so smart, Sandi!

And you'll notice I don't make, like, a big thing about it.

But that girl is so weird.

She freaks me out.

That's why I'm president of the Fashion Club.

I'll handle her.

What do you think that was about?

I supposed we'll never know.

Jane, look carefully.

Have I grown another head?

No, just the two.

See ya.

What's wrong with her?

Nothing.

Anything a little brain power could fix?

I think she's had about her fill of that.

Can I ask you something?

I guess. What?

You don't think I'm a brain, do you?

The thought never crossed my mind.

Mine, either.

I mean, I really like the way this getting to Daria, but I'm starting to feel like a phoney.

You're starting to feel like a phoney?

So I wrote a stupid essay! What's everyone making such a big deal about?

Well, you know, condition people to expect nothing and the least little something gets them all excited.

Ask Pavlov.

The custodian?

Whoa. Never mind. Return to your world, and I'll return to mine.

Hmm... by the way, anything eating away at your soul?

Her writing's bad.

Don't people know the difference between good and bad?

She's cute. There's different standards for cute people.

You mean, no standards.

Right.

Isn't there ever a time when how you look doesn't affect how you're judged?

When you donate an organ, unless it's your eyes. Listen, it's no big deal.

The thing is, if she's a brain, what do I get to be?

You're still a brain.

Yeah, but she's a brain with bouncy hair.

I can't compete.

Okay, then you get to be... a super-brain.

An even bigger outcast than before.

I don't think I can survive being a super-brain.

Then she's got to be stopped. But how?

Oh, I know how.

I just haven't been able to bring myself to do it... until now.

Yes?

Wait.

No, um, it's a mistake. We thought...

If you squinted hard enough, maybe I'd look like a different Morgendorffer?

Look, do you really want Quinn back?

Yes.

A thousand times yes.

Bring her back!

You gotta bring her back!

Do exactly what I say, and I'll deliver the goods.

Hi! Could you get me a soda?

Hey, dudes! Whazzup?

Quinn! Your dates are here!

Actually, we're here to ask Daria out.

You know, your other daughter.

By the way, how's Quinn?

Shut up, Jamie!

Hi, Quinn.

Hi, Daria.

Well, I'm off for my dates.

One... two...

Ugh! Wait! You win, all right?

Yeah, I didn't even write the essay.

I found it in the garbage and handed it in.

The whole thing was, like, a runaway train.

Well, that still doesn't explain black clothes, but I guess I can let it slide.

Don't worry, I'm through being an intellectual.

I'm too well-adjusted.

Messing with the mind can be so dangerous.

Tell me about it.

I guess things are back to normal.

Fashion: good. Thinking: bad.

Yeah. We win.

I'm on top of the world.