02x05 - That Was Then, This Is Dumb

[bunniefuu]

Hiding the cooking sherry from Dad?

I'm going to make some bread, Daria.

Isn't that what supermarkets are for?

The Yeagers are coming for the weekend, and I can't serve them store-bought bread.

Why not?

I haven't seen them for twenty five years, and let's just say they know a different Helen.

A Helen famous for her oatmeal pumpkin seed loaf.

And just what have you done with this Helen?

They're here!

I hope they don't think I've changed too much.

Just be yourself.

That's what you've always told me.

I could kick myself for that.

What kind of car is that?

That's not a car.

It's a time machine.

Willow! Coyote!

Wow, Helen!

Man! My man!

You haven't changed a bit.

And you! Well, just look at you!

Why, even Leary is exactly the same.

Come here, boy!

Don't you remember old Jake?

Wait, that can't be Leary.

He'd be almost thirty by now!

This is Leary number three.

We had to replace the original a few times.

Well, these two are irreplaceable.

Our girls, Quinn and Daria.

You have a very old soul.

It just looks mature for its age.

Is this a retro thing, or are they serious?

Let's get your bags, man! We travel light.

In the head.

I gotta get out of here before I catch any more good vibes.

Daria, you can't leave me here with those, those... yuppies!

Yuppies are from the Eighties.

So what do you call people with funny outfits who talk about peace and love and stuff?

Trekkies. Anyway, one of us should stay.

It's a rare opportunity to learn more about Mom and Dad.

Why would we want to do that?

To use against them later.

Twenty bucks if you dig up some dirt.

Sorry, I have a date.

You're getting out of this, so am I.

Ethan! Come meet the girls!

You said twenty, right?

Zappa digital... Zappa analog.

Sounds the same to me.

And you call yourself a musician?

No, I call myself an interpreter of sound.

Top secret experiment?

My parents gave me their old records to sell at the flea market, but now Trent wants to keep 'em.

It's the warmth of vinyl, man.

I'm telling you, it's a richer tone.

You're tuned to the radio.

I wondered why Zappa was selling fish sticks.

The flea market, huh? Need any help?

We have to be there by 7:00 to set up.

No problem. Daria's an early bird.

There's nothing like watching the sun rise, except watching the sun set in reverse.

Good one, Daria.

Mmm, umm, thanks.

Okay, this time, let's reverse the polarity of the plug.

And I'll stand facing west.

Ok cool.

Are you nuts?

Hey, you could always go on home and swap yogurt recipes with the Yeagers.

And what's wrong with my yogurt recipe?

You should thank me.

It's a chance for you to spend some quality time with Trent.

And the flea market is so romantic this time of year.

I hear the Chia Pets are in bloom.

All right, so, the flea market.

We're there.

Okay, now let's try the thing where I stand on the aluminum foil.

So, for the past twelve years, we've been selling hammocks of hemp by mail.

And with all the recent breakthroughs in hemp processing, this could be out most exciting year yet!

Oh! That's fascinating.

Quinn, didn't you have a date tonight?

I got Stacy to fill in.

You into sports, my man?

Ethan?

We think there's enough aggressive behavior on the planet without creating more with quote unquote "healthy competition."

Ethan's gonna rock climb, when he's ready.

Whatever. Peas.

You can always tell when a bread isn't hand-kneaded.

Hand-kneaded bread has more soul.

This veggie stuff never fills me up.

Anyone want a burger?

Hey, fair's fair.

We'll all be worm food someday.

Jake!

It's the circle of life, Helen.

You know, man, you've become kind of aggressive. I have not!

It's the meat. Is not!

What ever happened to the mellow, let-it-be attitude you used to have?

Jake?

Come on, everyone.

If we focus all our positive energy, we can make the Pentagon rise up off the ground.

Rise, dammit!

Stupid five-sided building.

Remember our group house?

Don't you see?

So-called enlightened dudes are oppressing women, just like society is putting down the movement.

I want some help, and I want it now!

Wow. Sounds like the girls are getting liberated.

Cool.

And then, after you guys split, we painted a bus and drove out into the desert.

I wish you would've stayed with us.

Oh, Willow. It was time for us to move on.

That's what you want to call it.

What? Honey...

What do you mean, Coyote?

Nothing, I love you guys.

It's just, I remember you as you were, that's all.

We're still that way, deep down.

Yeah, man! We're still that way!

What way?

Free of the shallow, superficial value system of a profit-driven culture gone terribly, terribly wrong.

Oh, sure, we're that way!

May I speak to the old lady of the house?

Daria, where are you?

Jane's. Can I stay over?

I was hoping you would want to get to know our friends.

My old soul has already made their acquaintance in a previous lifetime.

Well, that does free up some space for Ethan.

He can take the guest room, and I can put Willow and Coyote in your room.

You're going to put them in my room?

You better tether them to the bed so they don't float away.

A nightmare story of an enchanted kiss gone horribly wrong, when Sick, Sad World returns.

Okay, I can stay.

You have anything for me to sleep in?

Don't thank me. Thank Grandma.

And this, is where we keep Daria.

Cool. Tell Mom and Dad I'm sleeping here.

Once you could fit all your worldly possessions into a backpack.

Pair of jeans, a few T-shirts, a copy of Steal This Book.

And now, look at you.

A capitalist cheerleader, a sellout in a monkey suit! Dammit!

It's time to take a stand!

You're not gonna shave tomorrow.

Come on, Jakey, let someone else have a turn.

Helen, do you think I'm past my prime?

Of course not. You're still quite the young buck.

Anyway, good looking men get even handsomer as they mature.

Woo! Too bad it's not the same for women!

That's better. Now I can't see a thing.

Big day tomorrow.

We'll wake you at six. 'Night.

Good night!

'Night, see you in the morning.

Come back at six.

It is six.

Then how come you're so damn chipper?

It was easier to stay up all night than to wake up early.

We'll load the van.

Van?

You know, the t*nk.

Oh, goody.

Are they gone?

Don't forget some money.

Hey, doesn't Grandma have a nightgown like that?

Should I file this under "self-indulgent posers" or "underrated geniuses"?

Ask Trent or Jesse, whichever one wakes up first.

I guess they call it a flea market because it makes you want to flea.

Come on, relax. We're going to do well today.

We've got a choice location.

I'm looking for snow domes.

You got any, girls?

Sorry, ma'am.

All we have are these strange, flat discs the aliens left behind.

You know about the aliens, don't you?

You enjoy working with the public, don't you.

Morning!

Say hello to a new Jake.

The old Jake!

The Jake you haven't seen for a while.

And goodbye to cookie-cutter corporate guy Jake.

That Jake is gone, gone, gone.

You didn't quit your job, did you?

No, I'm growing a beard again.

Oh! That's great, dear.

Hey, Quinn! How do you like my, new look?

Dad, are you growing a goatee?

That's so two years ago.

Right, Ethan?

I really feel centered now.

Nice whiskers. Thanks!

Um, it's kind of getting crowded in here.

Why don't Ethan and I go out for breakfast.

You guys can sit around and remember things.

Breakfast? I thought it was lunch time.

I'm going back to bed.

Why are you staring at my brother?

Selfless concern.

I think he stopped breathing.

Nah, he's entering a dormant stage.

In about ten years he should emerge as a butterfly.

I guess you're gonna wait.

Hello, ladies!

I didn't know you were of an entrepreneur bent.

Perhaps you would be so kind as to show me your goods?

Upchuck, what are you doing here?

I am on a quest for the Holy Grail of fast food premiums.

A complete 1985 California Raisins posable eraser set.

Only mint condition will do.

Your investors?

Silent partners.

Do you by any chance have the cast recording of Somebody Up There Likes Me?

No, but we do have Somebody Down Here Doesn't.

I wonder if I may provide you gals with a lesson in salesmanship.

It's a once in a lifetime offer.

How about once in two lifetimes.

Now, now, let the boy show us how to do it.

Then we won't have to.

It's all coming back.

You wanna try, honey?

Ugh, dog drool. That beast!

Outside!

Hello? Eric?

What? They moved the hearing up to this week?

I can be there in 20 minutes.

Talk about uptight.

Mellow out, man.

Nothing's so important that it can't wait till Monday, what are you doing in the corporate cage on the weekend?

Don't take a walk in the park.

Right on, honey.

You still have your priorities.

Who's up for frisbee? Come on, Leary!

Eric? Yes, of course I was kidding.

You see, ladies, trying to close a sale without the proper technique is like playing cards without a full deck.

You must treat your customers like a king.

This is the ace up your sleeves.

You're a joker if you don't, and you'll be left with jack.

Wake me when you get to the twos.

FDR?

No, sir, you won't find socialists on any of my toilet seats.

Now, watch a pro in action.

Hey! Mr. DeMartino!

Well, Charles Ruttheimer.

What is it, Charles?

As a man of culture and breeding, I thought you might be interested in some of our audio gems.

Is this a pathetic attempt at flattery, Mr. Ruttheimer?

An obvious smoke screen for your calculated attempt at separate me from the payments I receive each week for babysitting a bunch of determined idiots?!?!

I just wanted to sell you some records...

Got anything by Annette Funicello?

Hey, man, after you get this baby fixed up, what do you say we go down to the club and play a round?

The golf course is an ecological disaster.

What, you got trouble with your swing?

Here, we thought you boys might like some refreshments.

Home-bottled berry juice.

We're going to start a compost pile.

Won't that be fun?

Wow! This is strong stuff!

It's got natural pectins.

I love pectins!

Is this the best you can do?

'Fraid so...

Well then, I guess I'm just going to have to walk away.

I'm walking...

Okay, fifty cents.

Thanks, man.

What about my commission?

Hey, we're training you for free.

Well, Trent, now that you've returned to the land of the living, maybe you and Daria can go get us some soda.

With caffeine?

No problem. Coming?

Sure.

Take your time!

I could use a burger.

I'll go with you.

Upchuck, can you handle the booth?

I can handle much more than that, missy.

Excuse me! But is that a vintage copy of Eyefull?

1962.

Where did you find such a treasure?

That booth over there.

That's okay, I got it.

I owe you one, then. Next time.

So, Janey says you're avoiding your parent's friends this weekend.

Their sunny Sixties optimism tends to cancel out my bitter Nineties cynicism.

Holdover hippies?

Yeah. They're big believers in the concept of voluntary simplicity.

I gotta use that.

Sounds much better than broke.

I guess you gotta give them some credit.

Civil rights, environmentalism, the women's movement.

People believed in stuff back then.

I know.

What's up with that?

I know what you're thinking, but I've turned into the man!

I'd never call you the man, man.

Man, maybe, but not the man.

I hate this stupid rusty piece of junk!

And I'm tired of buying food in bulk!

And not flushing every time I go because it wastes water!

I'm still young. What happened to my beliefs?

What happened to being part of the solution, not part of the problem?

I hate kneading bread.

What?

I... hate... kneading... bread!

Damn!

Oh Willow! Here!

Man, can you teach me how to play golf?

Of course I can, man.

And can we ride around on those little carts?

Sure thing, pal!

Hey, some kind of organic nutrient steam bath, right? Cool!

Oh, thanks so much for your concern!

Wow, sounds like the girls are getting liberated.

Cool.

Dad, the berry juice fermented again.

You gotta watch that.

Come on, I'll buy you a slush cup.

It's about time!

Got any money?

Where's my razor?

You see, my theory is that our primitive hunting instinct has no outlet in modern society.

Cool.

So, rather than stalking animals, we substitute the shopping experience, and hunt for objects.

Cool.

And then, Jesse, while we're asleep, the objects come to life and plot their secret take over our civilization.

April 1st, 2007. That's the day they make their move!

Cool.

I don't know.

All these people swapping useless junk.

Maybe the Yeagers are onto something.

At least they're not caught up in a constant state of consumer frenzy.

Yeah, I guess if you're gonna insist on holding on to something from the Sixties, peace and love beats a Get Smart lunchbox.

Especially if the lunch is still in it.

Well, let's go give Jesse and Jane a break.

Too late.

Who's watching the booth?

Upchuck.

I don't think so.

Here, Mr. Demartino!

I found another issue of Bachelor Confidential!

You have redeemed yourself, Charles.

Less to carry home?

Well, we do have three copies left to "Boston."

At least we're not money grabbing capitalist pigs, right, Daria?

Yeah, we're just hard core believers in voluntary simplicity.

No, they never formally charged them, they did keep them there in jail for the next day.

Hey, where's my eyebrow pencil?

This has gotta be worth at least twenty bucks.

You're sure you don't want this?

I never use it.

This will cut way down on the time I spending baking for Ethan and Coyote.

Sister, meet the frozen bagel.

Hey, guys, it's getting dark.

When are you going to come in?

In a minute.

I'm just showing Coyote how to drive without slicing!

Better!

Girls, I expected you for dinner.

Before I officially ground you, would you care to account for your whereabouts?

Sure. But first, a few questions.

Number one: why did you spend a night in jail in Boulder in August, 1969?

Thanks for that marketing plan, man.

We're going to kick the butts of those wimps over at Rainbow Hammocks.

Hey, take no prisoners, man.

Predatory behavior is all natural.

Ethan?

Yeah?

You never told me whether you thought I was, you know, cute?

Oh, well, sure, you're cute.

Thanks.

In a, you know, shallow, superficial way.

Thanks.

It's very hard not to compliment you, isn't it?

Oh, Daria, you don't have to say that.

Daria, do you think long-distance relationships are a good idea?

Yeah. Why don't you and I try one?

You know, kids, it's pointless to try to go back in time.

You have to live in the present, and I'm going to start right now.

First things first: I'm getting rid of all my vinyl records.

Hey, Daria! You want 'em?