11x01 - sh*t At Dawn

[bunniefuu]

Tom, what are you doing here?
(MUFFLED)

Come on, lad. That'll do.
You don't understand.

Come on, into the car.
But...

expl*si*n BOOMS
Come on.

Thomas Hicks,

you have been found guilty of
cowardice in the face of the enemy.

The sentence is death by sh**ting.

The f*ring party will be found
from your own regiment.

Lieutenant Hammond, take him away.

SUSPENSE-BUILDING ORCHESTRAL MUSIC

RAIN PELTS

DISTANT THUNDER ROLLS

Take aim.

Fire!

g*nf*re ECHOES

(GASPS)

BIRDSONG

BRASS BAND PLAYS
Left. Left, right, left.

Left. Left. Left, right, left.

Left, right, left, right...

Royal Midsomers...halt!

BRASS BAND STOPS
Parade...

right turn!

Stand at ease!

Stand easy.

(CLEARS THROAT) I would now
like to call upon my father,

Corporal Lionel Hicks,

to unveil the new name
on our w*r memorial.

That of his father, my grandfather,
Private Tommy Hicks

of the Royal Midsomer Yeomanry.

Father.
Thank you.

There you go, Dad.

And so, after years,
a great wrong is righted.

And the twin blemishes
of cowardice and desertion

are wiped from the pages
of the Hicks' family history.

(MUMBLES ANGRILY)

Here we go.

(CLEARS THROAT)

The courage and honour of
Tommy Hicks is now recognised

despite the efforts of certain
ELEMENTS in our community.

(CACKLES)

(LAUGHS)

I know what you want.

(LAUGHS)
Do the bloody salute!

Parade...

Parade arms!

Slope...ARMS.

One round of volley fire - take AIM.

Fire!

ODD CRACKS AND POPS

Royal Midsomers - slope ARMS!

cr*ck regiment, this.
Shush.

Parade, right...TURN!

Parade, fall...OUT!

Left...

Farce! Absolute bloody farce!

Yes, Henry. Come along, girls.

(GROANS LOWLY) Watch the car.

What about my wheelchair?

Forget it. No way. It will scratch.

Get your girlfriend
to push you home.

SAD ORCHESTRAL MUSIC

Thanks, son.

I'm glad I fought the w*r for you.

Any time.

SAD ORCHESTRAL MUSIC CONTINUES

RAIN PELTS HEAVILY

DOOR BANGS SHUT

You going, sir?

No, I am not. Chief's the one
with the pretty uniform.

He can go between
the Hicks and the Hammonds.

years they've been
at each other's throats.

Yeah. And they are
truly AWFUL families.

The Hammonds are all
huff and puff m*llitary Wallers.

And the Hicks, gosh,
just a bunch of spooks.

So even his Worship the Mayor?
Especially his Worship the Mayor.

It's his company
put up my bloody roof.

Maybe this pardon thing
will put an end to the feud.

It's not likely.

Feuding's an Olympic sport
round here.

RAIN PELTS
Tomorrow is our big day.

So it will be much appreciated
if we...

YOU could be authentic as possible.

So we don't want to see any
iPod-leanings of the regulations.

Lanyards. And no brollies either.

Capes only.

What's for dinner?

Oh, I can't think.
What would you reckon?

God!

I'm gonna k*ll that man.

Don't touch the electrics!

Corporal Ryan, did you have
your public-address system

set up for my commentary?

They'll hear you
loud and clear, Johnny.

Sir or...Captain
when we're on parade, please?

I hear you loud and clear, sir.

Or Captain.
(MEN SNIGGER)

Jolly good.

Lawrence Of Arabia rides again.

(MEN LAUGH)

Parade. Parade...'SHUN!

You're all a bloody disgrace!

I've never seen such a shambles.

Silly old fart.

Put that man on a charge, Johnny.

Put him on a charge!

Father, I can't do that. This is not
the real army, this is our hobby.

(SPUTTERS) A hobby?

A HOBBY?

Is that what this family
is coming to?

So the army's a hobby?

You're all pathetic.

The fletching isn't overlapping,
and these...new slates sit...

SLATE BREAKS
Cracks!

The man's a complete bloody cowboy.

Guarantee?
Yeah.

Expired a month ago.
Will the insurance cover it?

Like hell it will.
They're all crooks as well.

Come on.

Look at them.

Jarvis Hammond -
Blenheim, Malplaquet.

(GRUNTS) Good God.

Sebastian Hammond -

Rorke's Drift.

Dougie Hammond -

the Somme.

(STAMMERS) And me -

over there.

Wherever those Midsomers were,

the Hammonds were there
to lead them.

So, what were YOU doing?

You didn't HAVE to come.
(VICIOUSLY) Course I did.

Regimental occasion.

My personal feelings
don't come into it.

To encourage the others.

That's why Dougie had to sh**t
that Hicks boy. Mm. Eh, Bella?

Bella!

Ah?

Yes.

Sh-shall we have supper now?

Oh. I-I'll go and find the girls.

Father, tomorrow...

Forget it.
Please?

For the sake of the family,

our name in the village.

I'm off to the pub.

(SIGHS)

BIRDSONG
PEACEFUL PIANO AND VIOLINS PLAYS

Martin!

How much do you love
Chateau Hicks then?

Very nice. Very...you.

Couldn't have done it
without your legal nous.

Hah. No.

So...what you got cooking then?

DOOR CLOSES

When my father retired he passed on
various documents from old clients.

Most notably, the Hammonds.

And?

Well, THIS may be
of interest to you.

I always look after them,
they look after me.

Oh, not in a village pub!

Well, I'm not cooking here.

All the local loons come out of the
woodwork so they jibber at me.

Couldn't you do a salad?

Midsomer Parva, The Woodman.
Get your clogs on. (SIGHS)

(CLEARS NOSTRILS)

Dave Hicks, man of property.

Tell it to the Hammonds.

We're as good as them now.
In your dreams.

You're still rubbish,
you always will be.

What have I done now?

What?

Which one of the local slappers you
having a ding-dong with this time?

Give me a break, Jude.

Well, your golf sweater
stinks of Chanel No. .

Look, I'm the Mayor of Corsten,
for God's sake.

People watch my every move.

I can no more be having an affair
than flying to the bleedin' moon.

Why won't the local women
look me in the eye then?

Probably cos of the way you dress.

I beg your pardon?

(SIGHS) You could try
and fit in a bit more.

I...HATE...living here.

I'm a Corsten woman, a townie.

I don't want to be part
of your social climbing crap.

So, how did the council
give permission

for their ghastly house
in the first place?

Hicks probably bribed them.

Their whole family
should be put down. Please!

Terrible people.

Always were.

It's been going on for years now.

Maybe we could all move on.
Why?

Because.
Because.

And, by the way, Dad,
I must have some more money.

Delivery costs have gone ballistic.

Not a chance.

Trustees have made some
very BORING investments -

all capital, no income.

How long are those bastards
going to rule our lives?

Until your grandfather,
your mother and I are all dead

and the trust wraps up.

You'll both be very comfortable.

Meanwhile
you could always get a job,

like your sister.

Blah, blah, blah...

See?

It's acres of solid gold.

It's agricultural.
I mean, look at the zoning.

You always were the dumb one,
weren't you?

Dad.
I'm the Mayor!

Head of planning.

"Change Of Use Order?
Certainly, Mr Mayor."

acres, solid gold.

Right. That's cool.
THAT is REALLY cool.

Nice one, Dad.

CASSETTE TAPE REWINDS

Ms Hammond.
Mr Hicks.

So...how's it going?

It's going how it's going.

I mean, when will it be finished?

It's a work of art,
not a m*llitary objective.

Please?
Artists.

(LAUGHS) No order, no discipline.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We represent everything you abhor.

Now, shut up and get on the bed.

SOFT CHATTER

(LAUGHS)

So the Hicks have come full circle,

from yobs to knobs in years.
(LAUGHS)

And don't they love you for it?

(CACKLES)

Do you want a drink, George?

No. I've got the milk round later.
You still doing that?

Oh, aye. Set your clock by me.

Hammond Hill here.

The lane goes right past the hall.

Easy-peasey.

Oh, come on!

It's for Lionel, my old mate there.

Yo! Lionel!

Yo, Mickey.
(LAUGHS)

Hah! They've lacquered these horse
brasses, instead of polishing them.

About years ago.

They've got crumbed scampi.
Oh, goodie.

MEN LAUGH
What'll it be then?

Nothing for George, shandy for me,

and the same for my 'ho'.

(LAUGHS)
(CACKLES)

Will you people
keep the noise down?!

Are you talking to me, General?

No. I'm talking to
that Hicks creature.

Oh, my gawd.

Do you know what was wrong
with the execution of your father?

Not tonight, General.

Dougie should have sh*t him
before he had a chance to breed.

You leave him alone.

Then we wouldn't have this long line
of Hicks living in Parva

in that bloody awful
red-brick monstrosity.

I'm not fighting tonight.

No, of course you're not,
cos you're like your father -

a coward.

Come on, Biddy.

Go on, you little weasel.

(ELECTRIC WHEELCHAIR WHIRS)

(MEN LAUGH)
That's it. Come on.

That's it!
(CACKLES) (LAUGHS)

(OTHERS CHEER)
Oooohhhh...

Go on! Get back in there. Go on.

Prr-rump-tah!

Charge!

(OTHERS YELL ENCOURAGEMENT)

METAL RATTLES

(LAUGHS)

GLASS BREAKS

YELLING AND LAUGHING

OI! OI! OI!

(YELLING) Stop it! Stop it!

Stop it! All right. You stop it, both
of you. Stop it there. Stop it now!

Put that down. Lionel, give ME that!

What is the matter with you two?

Has evolution passed you by?

What was that ceremony about
yesterday, hey?

Was that drawing a line under all
this flaming business or not? Eh?

Oh, you're right. What you say,
Henry - kiss and make up?

Over my dead body.

OW!

I've got to finish my meal.

If you lot want to k*ll each other,
will you PLEASE

do it quietly?

(CRACKS UP)

Don't you worry.

On parade, Corporal.

(SQUEALS) Get off. Get...

(LAUGHS) Stop it.

Oh.

God, I hate you.

Mm.

Just behave, will you?!

(SIGHS)

Hm! What would our families think?

A common Hicks
falling for a posh Hammond.

There'll be dead generals spinning
in their graves all over the world.

Hm!

We'll have to tell them soon.

You know...

Here, sit here.

Sophie...

..will you marry me?

If...

you pass the physical.

(SIGHS EXAGGERATEDLY) Come on.

(SHRIEKS, GIGGLES)

(GIGGLES)

Yes, sir.

Well, I do understand, sir.

Goodbye, sir.

"Sir", was it?

"Sir", it was.
And joy of joy, Jones,

we have to go to the re-enactment.

We?

We.
Hello, Tom.

Mr Mayor.

What can I do for you?

Well, I was just wondering
why your chief

never comes along
to anything I organise.

He always sends his underlings.

Probably because he doesn't want
to be seen with a cowboy builder.

You just never get it, do you?

Never come to the party,
always out there in the cold.

What are you going
to do about my roof?

Hands are tied, Tom.

Contracts, guarantees, accountants.

Of course, if you know how to shake
a hand and stand on one leg...

If you've got no
official business here,

Mr Mayor, would you please go away?

Right. Well, I'll see you
at the do then.

(LAUGHS)

BRASS BAND PLAYS

AIRCRAFT ENGINES WHIR

And here comes the Red Baron,
Manfred von Richthofen,

being chased through the skies
by our own Captain Roy Brown.

(LAUGHS) How do I look?

Interesting.
You can go now.

PEOPLE CHATTER

Could this be curtains
for the Red Baron?

There they go!

Big cheer for our chap.

Hip, hip...
CHEERING

It's far too close
to the crowd, that.

Health and safety will have a fit.

Lionel, how goes it?

Watch this.

FEEDBACK SCREECHES

Oi!
FEEDBACK CONTINUES

Stop that, you rascal, you. (LAUGHS)

Keep up the good work.

The Midsomers always wore
their lanyards on the right.

Never on the left!

And what about their...
their pink socks?

Which feet did they wear them on?

(LAUGHS)

I know you Ryan. Shankhill Road.

You were a disgrace then,
no better now.

Get out of my way.
(LAUGHS)

See all this?

North Meadow.

The acres.

Ooh, that. Yeah!

townhouses, easy.
Very easy.

Looking right into
the Hammond's garden.

Profit and revenge, all in one.

(LAUGHS) Brilliant, Dad. Brilliant.

I've got them all on here.

All what?
All the local women.

I'll check the lot of them
and I'll sniff yours out.

You are losing the plot, Jude.

Helen's been at the dressing-up box
again, has she?

Just shut up.
What?

You're drunk and
you're being an idiot.

Oh-whoo!

Get him then.

♪ When I was in the army

♪ I was a cavalry man, you know

♪ And whenever I went on parade

♪ A magnificent picture I made

♪ With my galloping here
and my galloping there

♪ This ridiculous habit I got

♪ And I'm damned if I don't think
I'm galloping now

♪ Whether up in the saddle or not

♪ And the people, they stare at me so

♪ For it matters not where I may go

♪ It's my bumpity-bumpity-bumpity

♪ As if I was riding my charger... ♪

What's happening here then, eh?

Piss off, Danny.
It's a bloody Hammond.

You got to be kidding me.

Ah!
Want me to break it?

No. No.
Well, on your bike.

You'll keep.

You'll KEEP!

He's a little treasure.

Yeah. He's going to
be your brother-in-law.

Don't...ruin it.

♪ Bumpity-bumpity-bumpity-bump

♪ As proud as an Indian rajah

♪ All the girls declare

♪ That I'm a gay old stager

♪ Hey! Hey! Clear the way!

♪ Here comes the galloping major. ♪

That's a fine bit of woman.

Away team, Mickey.

Eh, yeah. We'll see.

That was really good.

Thank you.

I was wondering, Kate...

What?

You're a great-looking girl,
see, so...

I was hoping that...

..maybe you might consider playing
for the home team now and again.

(LAUGHS)

Oh!
(LAUGHS)

(GRUNTS)

It is dawn on July , .

On this day,
, British troops will die

in the bloodiest day of our history.

Amongst them were members
of own Royal Midsomer Yeomanry.

The day begins
with the a*tillery bombardment

to get jolly Hun
to keep his head down.

DISTANT BATTLE

Now, watch it all go to hell.

At am precisely

a huge landmine planted directly
under the enemy lines

is the signal to att*ck.

DETONATOR WHIRS

(VARIOUS GASPS)

WHISTLE BLOWS

(SOLDIERS YELL)

Get out! Get out!

Advance, boys!
Come on, men.

Keep together.

Alas...

the a*tillery fire had
had little effect,

and the German machine gunners
relentlessly mowed down our boys...

(MEN SCREAM)

..who gave their lives
for the kingdom - our country.

MACHINE g*n BARKS

expl*sive BOOMS ECHO

(SOLDIERS SCREAM)

(SOLDIERS CRY OUT IN PAIN)

BIRDSONG

Quite moving, really.

Fall in. Come on.

That's it. Fall in. Fall in.

Go on!

Royal Midsomers!

Ah...left, quick march!

Left. Left. Left, right, left.

Left. Left.

That way. That way. Left, right.

Left. Left.

What?

Why did you marry Dad?

Oh.

Well, the Harcourts
were m*llitary as well,

so it was a sort of...
amalgamation of the regiments.

A bit like the Surreys
and the Midsomers.

But Daddy doesn't like women.

He's q*eer as a coot.

Well, obviously he knew
how to do his duty by his family.

A couple of times, at least.

(SIGHS) God, no wonder
you're such a basket case.

Heh. Thank you, darling.

Henry?

Hm! Thank you.

(SIGHS)

The whole family's going to hell.

Yes, Henry.

Sophie...

Is she a... Is she a communist?

No, Henry. She's a social worker.

Well, Kate...what's wrong with her?

Why does she... Why does...
Why does she dress like that?

I can't imagine.

And Johnny... (LAUGHS)

If it hadn't been for you and me,
where would this whole family be now?

Hey, Bella? (CHUCKLES)

Duty. That's what matters.

Duty.

Good night, Henry.
Right-o.

(SIGHS)

FOOTSTEPS
Left. Left.

Left, right, left.

And...halt!

Right. Keep quiet.

Keep low.

Let's go.

Ugh.

(GRUMBLES)

MEN WHISTLE WARTIME SONG

Royal Midsomers...halt!

Squad...

take your positions.

Henry Hammond,

you have been found guilty
of cowardice and desertion

in the face of the enemy.

It is the verdict of this
court marshal

that you be ex*cuted by f*ring squad.

Have you anything to say?

(GRUNTS)

So sorry...sir.

Final words...General?

You miserable little oink!

I'll have the lot of you
for as*ault.

But you'll be dead, sir.

Just like Tommy Hicks' death.

Do you really think
I'm going to be intimidated

by a pathetic bunch
of drunken bank clerks

and a cocky corporal, do you?

You're nothing, Ryan,
nothing but a tick.

Now, undo my arms,
I'll knock you down.

f*ring squad!

'Shun!

Oh, come. Look, he's had it
coming to him for ages.

Take aim.

TAKE AIM!

Say goodbye, General.

Fire!
g*nshots cr*ck

Now you how it feels.

Dah! (CACKLES)

Pathetic bunch, all of you.

Now take me home.

To hell with you.

Come on. Let's go.

Right turn.

Quick...march!

Left. Right. Left. Right.

Left. Left. Right.

He's got a lot of balls.

Oh, shut up!

Left, right, left.

Left. Left.

Left, right, left.

BUSH CRACKLES

Who's there?

What do you want?

SOFT WHIRRING

HORN TOOTS

George?
I don't know what happened.

I don't know.

I was just doing
my usual milk round.

Now I know Armadale is tricky,
so I-I was being extra careful.

This is Mr Bullard. Right down
the middle of the road he come.

I swerved,
but h-he turned right back into me.

Turned his chair?
Aye.

Deliberately come into me.
I doubt that.

Well... It's the truth.

Very difficult to
operate a wheelchair

when someone's sh*t
half your head off.

Are you born sensitive, George,

or did you develop
the skill over the years?

Who is that?
Derek Watson, sir.

Found him singing in a ditch.
Interesting story, though.

It was a joke!

We thought we'd just
freak the old bugger out.

But it didn't work?

No! He wasn't a person. He was a...

bloody t*nk.

He knew we wouldn't k*ll him.

He wasn't the least
bit frightened by us.

So it all backfired.
Aye.

A crazy idea.

Looked good when we'd had a few
pints, but...we didn't k*ll him.

Now you've been through us all.

We're not a hit squad.
we're just a bunch of idiots!

What?

Your friends may be as moronic
as you say they are, Mickey,

but you are not.

Yes, I am.

No, you're not. You leave the folly

and, lo, someone who just
happens to have a g*n

happens to be passing by
and sh**t Henry.

How very fortunate for them.

It was a coincidence.
They must have followed us, sir.

Would you excuse us?

What do you think?

I don't know.

Well, that's no way
to plan a m*rder, is it?

A bunch of drunken yobs,
obscure location,

plenty of witnesses.

Mickey, you told someone, didn't you?

Mm?

And they piggybacked on your plans.

Who was it, Mickey? Who did you
tell about your little game?

Oh, just my mates, sir.

Apart from your mates,

who else could have known,
could have overheard something?

Anyone.

Guys might have told
their wives, whatever.

It was just a joke!

Wasn't bloody World w*r III!

OK, Mickey, get out.

You're still a suspect.
Yes, sir.

So...who didn't like Henry Hammond?

Half the county.

But let's start
with his natural enemies.

DOORBELL CHIMES

Oh, Mr Barnaby!
It's tragic, isn't it?

Yes. Yes, it is.

Very tragic.
Tragic.

The way when anything happens
to a Hammond,

the police are round here faster
than you can say 'hide the silver'.

Mrs Hicks, I am pursuing
normal lines of inquiry.

Of a so-called gentry who obviously
have you in their pocket.

Mrs Hicks, will you mind telling me
where you were last night, please?

We were all here.

I was asleep.

In my study.

In your study.
He snores.

So I sent him to his study.

FOOS-BALL BALL ROLLS
You were out and about, were you?

Well, only for about ten minutes.

Then I could still hear him
snoring through the floor.

It's the cheese that does it.
He eats it last thing.

FOOS-BALL BALL ROLLS

Will you?

What?

Will you give that a REST...please?

Thank you. Where were you?

In my bed.

On my own.

I checked on him too,
just to tuck him in.

Mum!

DOOR CLOSES

So...

Where were you?

I was just having a walk,
clear my head a bit.

You were seeing your tart.

Jude, there is no tart.

I'll go public.

Jude...
Take you apart.

You think I don't read those papers
you give me to sign?

You think I don't know what
you've put in my name? Darling!

You think you'll get any of it back?

Jude, that is my operating capital.

Mine now.

And when I find your slut,
I'll have ALL your money.

And you'll be
in the slammer thinking,

"What a silly boy I was
for cheating on my lovely wife."

But you are my lovely wife.

I love only you.

Genuinely.

Honestly.

Oh.

Really, Davey?

Really, Judy.

Now, isn't that nice?

TELEPHONE RINGS

Martin.

Ah? I was ringing about Henry.

Yes?

Nothing to do with you, was it?

Martin!

Well, it puts you one step closer.

Just SHUT UP!

SOBBING

Ooh.

Dickens.
Monsters.

(SOBS)

My wife has a few problems in the...
um...emotional-stability area.

Something like this tends to...
Maybe we should go to the study.

Please?

You go talk to the Hammond daughters.

I suppose you want to know where we
all were at the time of the m*rder.

Yes, sir.

(SOBS)

So, you and your wife
have separate bedrooms.

Mr Barnaby, please don't be so coy.

This is a small community and my...

proclivities
are not exactly unknown.

I-I-I was not aware.

And you do have two daughters.

The facts are not
mutually exclusive.

Maybe you should read a little more.

So, how were you getting on
with your late father?

My father was real army,

the last in the long line of
stalwart Hammond warriors.

I was his worst nightmare.

And he mine.

Well, if you really must know,

around that time I was having
a bit of serious snog.

Can I have the gentleman's name?

The gentleman's name was Caroline.

Caroline?

Oh. Right.

Right. Right. But I...

I apologise for assuming...

(CLEARS THROAT)

Look, you really should talk
to my mother.

She holds the keys to this family.

She knows what goes on
behind the closed doors.

That's why she's such a mess.

Mrs Hammond, I'm sorry,

I know this is probably not the time
to be asking tedious questions.

But you know the longer a suspect
goes unapprehended

the more likely he is to...to...

Then again, if you don't feel up...

No, no, no, no, no.

It's all right. I'm all right.

What... What do you want to know?

Now, are you sure?
Yes, for God's sake!

Henry dealt in certainties
and now he is certainly dead.

We will mourn for him
when the enemy is routed.

Is there an enemy, Mrs Hammond?

Well, he didn't blow
his own head off, did he?

Oh, I'm sorry,
I thought you meant a specific enemy.

Well, yes, I do.

The Hickses.

This is what they exist for,

to make our lives a wasteland.

You were very close
to your father-in-law.

Loved him.

(Hated him.)

Love...hate...

What's the difference, Mr Barnaby?

What's the difference?

Your whereabouts last night,
Ms Hammond?

I was having my portrait painted.

All night?

Except for when I was having sex.

With a man?
What?

Sorry. I'm sorry. No, no.

Ah? I was...

Talking to my sister.

Yeah.

Ah? Your grandfather...

Was a bore and a bully.

And who did he bully?

Everyone. My parents.

My dark-side-of-the-moon sister.

They didn't do all that damage
to themselves, you know.

But would anyone
have wanted him k*lled?

Well, obviously, someone did.

A Hicks, perhaps.

I do hope not.

I'd hate to marry into
a family of murderers.

Marry?

Yes. I'm marrying Will Hicks.

And...how will that go down
with your respective families?

I don't care, Mr Jones.

I've never been part of
this idiotic vendetta.

Now, anything else? I do have
half of Eastern Europe out there.

(CHILDREN YELL IN DISTANCE)

I'll miss him. Bugging Henry
gave me something worth living for.

Might as well croak myself now.

Oh, come on, man.
There's no need for that.

What about Biddy?

Ah! She's a nutter.
You don't want to listen to her.

She talks cobblers from
breakfast to dinner.

I'm only in there for the sex.

She's very...
Right. Thank you.

Oh, so you could have left
without her noticing too.

Doubt it. Doesn't miss a thing.

She's very different from her sister.

Can't believe
they're from the same stock.

But you're very different
from your brother too.

There's no accounting, is there?

Keep pushin', keep pushin'.

Go on, Johnny.
Straight left-right, then finish.

Good work. Good work.
(GASPS, LAUGHS)

OK. OK. Thank you, thank you.

BOXERS SPAR IN BACKGROUND

That's it. Watch it, Dad.

That's it. That's it.

You know, Simon,
ever since my father d*ed

I feel as though a great weight
has been lifted off me.

Mm-hm.

He never understood me.

Oh, I think he did, Johnny.

What the hell are you doing?

Rubbing you up the wrong way.

What do you want?

A chat.
About what?

The unpublished codicil
to your grandfather's will.

Don't know what you're talking about.

Your Grandad Dougie decreed

that when the Hammond
family trust wraps up,

then your north meadow
comes to the Hicks.

I wonder why he did that.

He was disturbed.

He was guilt-ridden.

Anyway, if my family's gonna get
the meadow for free one day,

why don't you and I
do a little deal now

and you can cop yourself
a tidy sum today.

Sell Hammond land to a Hicks? Ha!

So you can do some dodgy deal
and build all over it.

How stupid do you think I am?

Get out of here.

The times,
they are a' changing, Johnny.

The servant should be the master.

Well done, Nick.

That was quick.
Ha-ha.

They didn't even have to dive.
It was ft from the edge.

How deep is it there?
inches.

How deep in the middle?

ft.

He wanted us to find it.

What is it?

. service revolver,
issued about .

And how do you know that, Mr Bullard?

My belief in the great
circle of life, Tom.

What goes around comes around.

Oh. (LAUGHS)

What?

Married.
Sophie and I are getting married.

I told you. Didn't I tell you?

But she's a Hammond.
Traitor.

You total traitor.

She's having you on.

She'll leave you crying
at the altar.

Hm! Thanks, Mum. Granddad?

Go for it, son!

Dad!
Well, they love each other.

History's history.

It's bloody rubbish, anyway,
isn't it?

You've changed your tune.
No. It was fun.

But it ain't any more, is it?
Not since Henry got k*lled.

Dave?

Say...something.

I've got to send some emails.

MACHINE WHINES

It looks like Bullard
was surprisingly correct.

Regulation service revolver,

issued to Dougie Hammond
in the September of .

So it seems likely that the same g*n
was used to finish off Tommy Hicks.

Very poetic.

g*n was reported stolen from
the Hammonds' five years ago.

Danny Hicks was questioned because
he already had juvenile form.

And his prints were found
all over the g*n cabinet,

but nothing came of it.

Why was that?

Looks like the Hammonds
didn't press charges.

You'd think the Hammonds
would leap at the chance

to nobble a Hicks, wouldn't you?

TELEPHONE RINGS
Keep digging.

Where's he gone?

God knows.

'He does that sometimes.'

MAN: There you are, Biddy.

Get this to the chemist and
make sure you take the whole course.

Ha!

Hello, Tom.

What's the matter? Is the door stuck?

Biddy likes to be treated
through the window.

Let a doctor in the house,
and you're on your way out.

What about police officers, Biddy,
are they allowed in?

Just don't nick anything.

Thank you.

Ha!

CATS MEOW

DOOR CLOSES

That smells adequately revolting.

It's not for eating, it's for feet.

Oh, for feet, is it?
Well, I'm very glad.

So, what do you want?
Hammond.

Henry? Well, he's dead.

No. Dougie Hammond, Henry's father.

Ooh, dead a long time.

Yeah. I know he's dead.
He d*ed in .

Well, I never knew him.
How old do you think I am?

But your mum knew him.
But not me.

No, not you.
No, not me. No.

Did she ever mention him?

She said he was...sensitive.

And what k*lled Dougie Hammond
so early in his life then?

Ooh, he was a right old worry-bags.

"Guilt", my mum said,
after what he'd done to Tommy.

Oh, he spent all the time in church
praying for forgiveness

and promising to make amends.

And did he?
What?

Make amends.

He looked after his family.
What does that mean?

Well, don't ask me.

I'm just a daft old witch.
Ask anybody, they'll tell you.

Biddy Dixon, fiddle-de-de,
daft as a brush.

(CACKLES)

So that's, "Congratulations, Soph,
we're all so happy for you," is it?

You are kidding?

No.

But Will's a Hicks.

Yes, Daddy. Well done.

I bet he wants a dowry.

The Hicks' always want something
of ours - our land, our money!

We haven't got any money!

And, God, even with Grandpa dead

we don't get anything until
you fall off your perch.

And what is the point of land
if you can't FLOG it?!

Mummy.
Mm?

What do you think?

About what?

Can you join us for a minute?

Me marrying Will Hicks.

Oh. I'm... I-I...

I think it's...terribly amusing.

(GIGGLES MANICALLY)

I'm so sorry, please excuse me.
It's been a very stressful week.

(LAUGHS HEARTILY)

(CACKLES)

Could you pass the salt, please?

SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS

CAR APPROACHES

CAR HAND-BRAKE ENGAGED

SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC CONTINUES

DOOR OPENS, CLOSES

DOOR SHUTS

Who'd have thought it, eh?

Dave Hicks and Bella Hammond.

Hehe! years, you know, next week.

Thank God for small Thorazines.

So...um...

What we gonna do about
this wedding, then?

Might it pass?

Most first marriages are a mistake.

That's not quite what I meant.

I mean, let's face it,

they are brother and sister.

What are you talking about?

years ago,

your Johnny's playing soldiers
in the sauna,

you're coming to me for your jollies.

So, who's the father of your girls?
His Worship the Mayor.

What?

Well, Johnny may have an alarming
penchant for the other ranks

but he has always understood
the meaning of the word 'duty',

however distasteful
he may have found it.

Well, pity. I thought we might,
one day, you know...

..legitimise the position.

Me...

..with you?

Well, once you know about Johnny...

(LAUGHS)

David...

David, I picked you
for my occasional indulgence

because it appealed to
a certain perversity within me.

When having sex with you,

I like to imagine how deeply
horrified the Hammond clan would be.

But, believe me,

otherwise it was...pure farmyard.

Nothing else at all.

Bloody Hammonds.

Think you're so superior!
Because we are.

Well, why don't you find
another stand-in

for your faggy husband,
if you can!

Take a look in there, Lady Macbeth.
That's no spring bloody chicken.

BIRDSONG

MELANCHOLIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYS

Birth certificates
from that period, sir.

They show no connection between
the Hicks and the Hammonds.

But Biddy Dixon's mum
claimed that Tommy's mother,

a lowly laundry lady,

had been knocked up
by Colonel Sebastian Hammond.

So Dougie ex*cuted his own
half-brother? Alleged half-brother.

You could verify that
through DNA analysis, sir.

Ooh, yes, so we could.
Good idea, Stephens.

Thank you, sir.

Jones, what news
of Danny and the g*n?

Says he had nothing to do with
the theft from the Hammonds.

Claims his fingerprints
must have been planted there

by someone who wanted to frame him.

Is he serious?
No, he was winding me up.

He knows we can't touch him
on that one.

MEN: # Mademoiselle from Armentieres,
Parlez-vous

♪ Mademoiselle from Armentieres,
Parlez-vous

♪ Mademoiselle from Armentieres,
hasn't been...for years

♪ Rinky-dinky, parlez-vous?

♪ Have a banana

♪ The officers get the pie and cake,
Parlez-vous?

♪ The officers get the pie and cake

♪ All we get is a bellyache

♪ Rinky-dinky, parlez... ♪

Ten minutes of an engraver's time
in exchange for your life.

That's all a poor man gets.

Hey, none of your
commie stuff here, please!

What did the army give me?

Dishonourable discharge,

just for selling off a few
bits and bobs they weren't using.

(CHUCKLES)
VEHICLE APPROACHES

Where are the kids controlling that?

What's that?

Bloody hell.

That's a detonator.

TOOLS TAP

Sir?

DEVICE BEEPS

Pentaerythritol tetranitrate.

PETM.

The expl*sive popular
with shoe bombers.

It's easy to mould into any shape

and remains stable
until it's detonated.

Now, these touch-cards will tell if
a person's been handling expl*sives.

So, all we've got to do,
is to find someone

with the telltale molecules
on their hands, and we've got them.

Thank you.

There were three Hammonds
on that memorial.

You really think that I, or any of
my men, would try to destroy it?

What about Lionel?
Was it an attempt on his life

as revenge for the death
of your father?

No. No. It's the Hickses
trying to discredit us.

The Hickses are at the bottom
of everything rotten around here.

Why didn't you press charges when
your grandfather's g*n was stolen?

My wife thought it would just create

further bad feeling
between the families.

Was she worried about that?

Who knows?

Let's face it - what do you get
for burglary these days?

A holiday in Wales
with a social worker?

Teneriffe, if it's serious.
Thank you.

ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY

DRAMATIC HIT

God!

Ooh!

That's my bloody Jag!
I loved that car.

I'd hardly want to blow it up,
would I?

The expl*sives were initially
aimed at the memorial,

perhaps even at Lionel.

Right. It was a revenge attempt
by the Hammonds,

plain as the nose on your face.

But you are deliberately
ignoring the obvious

cos the police and the army see
themselves as brothers in arms.

Do you know your trouble?

You have no respect for the
political and business community

as represented by their mayor.

Danny, may we have some more of your
ubiquitous fingerprints, please?

I didn't nick the g*n. I wasn't
charged, so it didn't happen.

Well, I choose not to believe that -
so your fingerprints now,

please, on there.
FAST PACE FOOTSTEPS

Where is he?

He's in conference, Mrs Hicks.
Oh, piss off.

Hello, darling.
You are SO dead.

And why's that, my precious?

Bella Hammond.

You have been shagging Bella Hammond
for the last years.

Dad!

No, I haven't.

Chanel number-bleedin'-five.

And she knows what you yell
when you get your rocks off.

"Go, Dave, go!"

Well, go-Dave-go,
it's all in my name,

so right now it's, "Go, Judy, Go"

with every penny you've got and
every inch of skin on your FAT arse.

See you in jail...loser.

Bella Hammond?

I was just getting
some inside information.

You're so full of it.

My future mother-in-law.

Heh. Bit off, Dad.

It seems that lack of respect
for the mayor

is endemic in our wayward community.

DOOR SLAMS

DOOR OPENS

TIMBER CREAKS

What are you doing?

Nothing.

Judy Hicks has been
banging round the village

telling everyone that you and Dave
have been having an affair for years.

She always was a noisy woman.
So it's not true?

Well, of course not.

Thank God.

An affair would suggest some
kind of passion, affection even.

All Dave and I ever had
was pretty basic sex.

You are joking?

Well...it wasn't
really up your alley,

was it, darling?

But a Hicks, for God's sake!

Yes, I know.
That was the really good bit.

That is quite unforgivable.

I don't need forgiveness
from this family.

That's all the men
in the village tested.

The boys that run the cards -
not a trace.

I'm very disappointed.

What about the women of the village?

expl*sives? Not a woman thing.

That's very sexist, George.

You want me to test the women?

Yes, I do.

Dig out all the public records
on both the families.

And you better ask those nice people
at DNA if we can afford to test.

Is he on to something?

I'm never quite sure.

BIRDS TWITTER

Ah! Reverend, I'm looking
for the grave of Thomas Hicks.

(Yes. It's down there on the left.)

Thank you.

All right. All right.
I'll be there in minutes.

Solicitor - he says he has something
of interest regarding father's will.

Excuse me.

GARAGE RATTLES

RAPID g*nf*re

(CHOKES)

GRAVEL CRUNCHES

(CHOKES)

SAD TRUMPET PLAYS

WALKIE-TALKIE CHATTER

What's happening?

There's a misfed round
in the breech.

I wonder if the sh**t was injured?

Well, there's no sign of blood
or anything.

Your solicitor, Martin Chadwick,
denies phoning Johnny.

But Johnny said it was him.

Yeah, well, the call actually came
from an unidentified mobile phone.

Have you got any...any thoughts?

Hicks.

Yes. But other possibilities.

One of his soldier boys.

You know, Johnny was a little..
left of centre,

sexually not politically.

Did he know about your relationship
with Dave Hicks?

It wasn't a relationship.

We just had sex occasionally.

Which went on for a period
of many years, by all accounts.

Where are you going with this?

Well, it must throw a somewhat...

speculative light over the parentage
of your two daughters.

Oh, for God's sake. Don't you start!

They are Hammonds,
through and through.

Just look at them,
their noses, eyes.

There is no way they are anything
to do with Dave Hicks.

Yes. I'm-I'm agreeing with you.

They're nothing at all
to do with Mayor Hicks.

Right.

Your daughter Sophie...

..was born four months
after you married Johnny.

So I was pregnant
when I got married?

Hardly groundbreaking territory.

Yes. But until two months before
you married Johnny,

he was away in Australia for a year.

Do you see?
The-the-the maths is confusing.

He flew back for a break.

Well, he may well have done.

But...you wouldn't
have been here, would you?

Yes, I was.
No, you weren't.

Cos you...were in Northern Ireland
working for the MOD,

as indeed was Henry Hammond.

In fact you were
his assistant, his PA.

As you say,
"Hammond through and through".

'I thought that...ah...

Henry was a little over-familiar
for a father-in-law.

But you didn't seem to notice,
did you?

It was as if those gestures
were not uncommon.'

So, you had Sophie by Henry.

Yes.

And Kate?

May as well be hung
for two lambs as a sheep.

Hm!

And what did your husband
think of this arrangement?

Henry gave Johnny a family
and a place in local society.

But at considerable cost
to his self-esteem.

I would be grateful
if you would keep your very...

perceptive insights to yourself.

I'll do my very best.

You are an officer and a gentleman.

So, how come you two are always
around when things go wrong?

We were fixing a water pump at the
Reynolds' place, just up the road.

And what does Lionel do?

He guards my lunch, OK?

Well, he just comes for the ride.
He's my mate.

Look at this -
found near the machine-g*n.

Hm. How many bits of a machine-g*n
are made of plastic?

None.
None.

But toy cars can be made of plastic.

Mickey Ryan's m*llitary record?

In Northern Ireland
same time as Henry Hammond.

Dishonourable discharge
from Royal Midsome Yeomanry

for stealing ordinance -
unspecified.

That is a word we do not use
around here, Ms Stephens.

Get it specified.
Yes, sir.

Just had a hopping-mad
Judy Hicks come in.

Gave me this - conversation between
her husband and son Danny

discussing how they might develop
North Meadow,

Hammond land.

Dougie Hammond wanted to make amends.

Well, come on.

Here you are, George.

Your start off of ten.

Small transmitter box.
Yeah.

Which, presumably, transmitted
to a receiver on the machine-g*n

where I found the other aerial.

Johnny presses the remote
for his garage door

using his normal
infrared transmitter

which triggered the garage motor,

which, in turn,
triggered this transmitter

that sent a signal
to the machine-g*n.

(CHOKES)

And the wheelchair?
Same MO.

Old Henry is ex*cuted.

Radio receiver's wired up
to his wheelchair controls

and off he goes.

And trying to destroy the evidence,

the controller guides Henry

into the path of
the oncoming milk truck,

which they knew always
passed that way at that time.

Same with the radio-controlled car.

So, who's the electronics
expert around here?

Mickey Ryan.
Yeah, but he's alibied, isn't he,

by all his re-enactor mates?

So, what do we do now?

What we do now, Jones,
is think laterally -

go at it from the other flank.

This is the local and...
very bent solicitor.

And we'll deal with him
in a way he understands.

Now, Mr Chadwick, you...

deal with all of David Hicks'
legal work, do you? Yes.

Well, I'm sorry
to have to tell you this,

but his little empire and
all his associated chicanery

is about to implode,

owing to his wife feeding us details

of his somewhat illegal
business arrangements.

You...

You get several mentions.

H-how can I help you,
Chief Inspector?

Oh, Martin, thank you.

Does David Hicks have any
entitlement to Hammond land?

When the trust is wound up
the Hicks get North Meadow.

This was a secret codicil
to Douglas Hammond's will.

How did David Hicks
find out about that?

I can't think.

When does the trust expire?

(CLEARS THROAT) By law, all trusts
expire after three generations.

So, that will be now,
after the death of Johnny Hammond?

Not quite.
The Trust remains in place

while the spouse of the deceased
is still living.

Spouse.

Martin, thank you very much.

DOOR CLOSES
Mr Mayor.

Father.

Grandfather.

One and the same.

You disgust me.

I wanted you both so much.

My children.

My daughters.

If I hadn't behaved as I did,
neither of you would be here.

I wish I wasn't.

A surveyor called.

He wants you to go up to North Meadow
to discuss...boundaries or something.

PIANO PLAYS MENACINGLY

(GASPS)

No. Uh.

(DISTRESSED)

Bella, you all right?

ENGINE IDLES

TWO-WAY RADIO WARBLES

Thank you, Mr Barnaby.
You saved my life.

Actually, it was Jones who did...

Well, but it... No, it was nothing.

Sir!
Yay.

THUMPS HORSE FLOAT

We found the transmitter.

It was tuned to the . HG
public band.

So all that was needed was
for this simple transmitter

to convert the electronic pulses
to mechanical movement.

Really?
And it's Kate's horse box,

and she was the one who sent
Mrs Hammond to North Meadow.

Can I run with this, sir?

So, how do you explain
these facts, Ms Hammond?

I don't explain anything.

I'm just telling you
I got a phone call.

But the horse box is your vehicle.
So bloody what?!

I can barely operate a light switch.

Do you really think I know
diddly-twat about electronic gizmos?

She's the one who did engineering.

Oh, please? I switched
to sociology after one term.

Well, you're the one always
talking about CAD.

Oh, thank you, sister dearest.
Just shut up.

Up yours!

So SICK of you!
Hey.

Hey. Ah! Ah!

Hey! Ah! Ah!

Ah. Ah! Ladies!

Ladies, please?
Hate you.

Plea...
Argh! (GRUNTS)

Uh! You're such a... (GRUNTS)
Please?!

Kate, you...
Sir!

Yes, Jones?
(BOTH WOMEN GRUNT WITH EXERTION)

There's a situation...
That's enough!

You don't have to look
quite so smug, sir.

Of course, I do.

It's one of the perks of experience.

'Now, what do you want,
Mr Busy-body?'

Biddy, what do you know
about Lazarus?

He came back from the dead.
He certainly did.

And what did he do then?

Picked up his bed and walked.
Yes, it was a miracle.

And I think you've
performed a miracle

with the local social services,
haven't you?

CAR DOOR CLOSES

So, what's in there?
Eh-eh-eh.

Do you know what a McGuffin is?
No.

Well, it's one of them.
ENGINE STARTS

So it's a Hicks then?

This is personal, isn't it?

This is all about
your bleedin' roof.

No, it's not about my roof,
it's about motive.

So, what is my motive?

You're an evil little crook.
Not now, Jude.

Oh, thank you very much for
your interesting tape, Mrs Hicks.

What tape?

The one that will hang you.

The tape that contains,
amongst other gems,

your plans to exploit and corrupt
the local planning laws

once you got your hands
on North Meadow.

No.

I warned you.

'Course, you can only
inherit that land

after the deaths of both
Johnny and Bella Hammond.

Now, David, that looks like
a pretty good motive to me.

Right. Take him down.

But...

Why would you want
to k*ll Henry Hammond?

Yeah. Yeah, right.

Well, I'm not sure, Dave.

Why would anyone want
to k*ll Henry Hammond?

Danny, have you got
an opinion on this? Eh?

Oh, come on, Danny. We all know
that you stole the m*rder w*apon.

OK. I nicked the g*n, but...
You know, it disappeared.

Really. It was in my room
and then it wasn't.

The room you once shared
with your brother?

Will?

Did you take the g*n?

Why would I?

Henry, Johnny, Bella.

Who inherits the estate
once they've all gone?

Well, I'll tell you.
Kate and her sister Sophie.

Your fiance shall become
very well-off, won't she?

But we don't consider
that very likely, do we?

We haven't found an ounce of madness
in Will's history.

He's a nice man.
He's a very nice man.

Where does the malice
really come from in this family, hey?

Do you bloody mind?!

What are you getting at, Barnaby?

You hate the Hammonds, don't you?

I mean, you REALLY hate the Hammonds.

Especially
after you found out about...

..about the interesting connection

between Bella Hammond and David here.

I'm not a m*rder*r.

I'm not a bleedin' psycho either.

And I have alibis
for all the times, don't I?

Yes, you have, indeed.

So...ah?
You've done us all and no result.

Right.

Hello, Lionel.

BOX CONTENTS RATTLE

You took your time.

Dad! Sit down, you're disabled.

It's all right. I'm not concerned
with benefit fraud.

Biddy Dixon's always teaching
people how to fiddle the system.

So, what's your beef, then?

You were in the Engineers
during the last w*r, weren't you?

Dropped into France before D-day

to blow up railway lines, bridges,
supply depots and stuff.

You really know your expl*sives,
don't you?

Expert.

And then you became one of the first
people to repair televisions.

I looked after
Mr Churchill's television.

So, remote controls?

Doodle.

And then you were made
an honorary member

of the Royal Midsomer Yeomanry
Re-enactors,

and getting your hands
on their armaments.

That was a doddle too, wasn't it,

for a cunning old man that looked
like he wouldn't harm a fly?

Mugs, the lot of them.

So all you had to do was to wait
for the opportunity

to use your accumulated skills.

I suspect, Lionel, I suspect that
that opportunity came down the pub

when you overheard Mickey Ryan
and his idiot pals

concocting their plan
to humiliate Henry Hammond.

Then we recreate the
whole execution scenario.

See how he likes it.

Then he went to Danny's room.

I bet that particular w*apon

pleased your sense of justice,
eh, Lionel?

It k*lled my dad.

Then up on Hammond Hill

you watched as Mickey Ryan
conducted his little farce.

Fire!
g*nshots ECHO

Then...
p*stol COCKS

..you attached a remotely
activated device

to Henry's electrically
operated chair.

And good night, Mr Hammond.

METAL CLANGS

One strange detail.

Why was the g*n
dumped in shallow water?

Answer - because the thrower
was a very old man

who didn't have a great
deal of strength.

Simple explanation,

but one that didn't occur to me
for some little time.

Similarly, with the fun and games
down at the w*r memorial.

That was a very clever attempt
by Lionel

to deflect suspicion
away from yourself.

My bloody car!

Teach you lot to let me ride in it.

Then there was the death
of Johnny Hammond.

That must have been quite
a challenge for you, Lionel, eh?

Yeah. I needed all my smarts there.

Course you couldn't operate
a machine g*n by yourself, could you?

But you could rig one
very effectively.

So you attached
all the necessary gizmos

and linked them through
to the garage door mechanism.

Thus Johnny Hammond
triggered his own death

within minutes of you
telephoning to tell him

his solicitor wanted to see him.

Same with the bailer, I guess.

Rigging it up was
a stroke of genius.

Dad...why?

Why'd you do all this?

The Hammonds k*lled my dad!

But you've been living with that
for years.

It wasn't just that.
No.

Months ago Biddy, told you
the whole story, didn't she?

It was even worse.

Tommy Hicks was ex*cuted
by his own half-brother.

Alleged half-brother.

That is still not proven.

Well, it's true.

Tommy and Dougie Hammond
was brothers.

But Dougie didn't want a Hicks
muscling in on their family.

"No scum in the toffs' trough."

You heard Dave and Danny
talk about the day

that the North Meadow
would go to the Hicks.

Yeah, and I thought,
"Why should we wait?"

We'd waited long enough
for what's ours,

what those bastards owed us.

So I got them, didn't I?
I did, I got them.

Dad, you are going to spend
the rest of your life in jail.

How long is that? minutes?

Year?

Life - who cares? I won.

I won the w*r!

♪ It's the soldiers of the Queen,
my lad

♪ Who've been, my lads

♪ Who've seen, my lads

♪ In the fight for
England's glory lad

♪ The soldiers of the Queen. ♪

I did it for you, Dad.

(MAN GIVES INSTRUCTIONS)

How did it go?
As expected.

Unfit to plead,
detained at her Majesty's pleasure.

How did you get His Honour
to do this for free?

His Honour is doing this
out of the kindness of his heart.

That is nice.
Well, I thought so.