09x01 - Little Miss Bunker

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us, we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls, and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

[HUMMING]

Oh! Ew!

♪ Glow little glowworm ♪

♪ Glimmer, glimmer ♪

Edith!

I'm home.

EDITH: In the kitchen!

Let's eat fast, will you?

I wanna pick up the start

of the Rangers-Blackhawks game on TV, see--

Oh, geez. What is this?

One, two, three.

What do we got, a deadbeat for dinner?

That ain't nice.

You're telling me. I hate it.

Company from Jersey.

From Jersey?

I'd rather see somebody from Red China.

Do you remember my Aunt Tessie,

on my father's side?

Oh, gee. Who is that
? Tessie with the moustache?

Not anymore!

Elizabeth Arden took care of that.

Anyway, it ain't her that's comin'.

It ain't Elizabeth Arden that's comin'?

No. It ain't Aunt Tessie that ain't comin'.

It's Floyd. Oh.

Floyd ain't comin'.

No, Floyd is comin'.

Jeez. I'm punchy, Edith.

That makes him a once-removed

nephew-in-law to my father

and a twice-removed step
cousin-in-law to me.

Well, apart from being such
a close relative, Edith...

what the hell does Floyd
want with us? Money?

Oh, no! He's just passin' through.

Yeah, that's what Jesse
James was always doin',

just passing through.

Oh, my. He's had such a sad life.

- Let me tell you what happened.
- No, no, Edith.

Please, don't tell me-- don't
tell me, Edith, please.

I don't wanna know nothin' about this guy!

[DOORBELL RINGS]

- Oh, there he is! - Already?

- Archie, be nice! - Oh!

Coming!

- Floyd! - [laughs]

Oh, it's so nice to see you!

Edith, you're a sight for sore eyes.

Come on in. Put your bags down.

- Yeah, yeah. - Archie!

Look who's here!

I'm lookin'. I'm lookin'.

Oh!

This here is my Stephanie.

Stephanie! Oh--

You didn't tell me you
was bringin' Stephanie.

Well, I wanted it to be a surprise.

I knew there'd be some surprise.

Oh, Stephanie, I used to know you

when you was a little baby.

But you grew!

Oh, my, she really grew!

That's the main thing kids do, Edith.

Oh, excuse me.

Floyd, this is Archie.

Hi, Arch.

Yeah, hi there, Floyd.

I'm your Aunt Edith.

It's nice to see you.

I heard a lot about you.

[giggling] Oh!

Oh, this is your Uncle Archie.

Hiya there, kiddo.

I heard a lot about you, too.

Stephanie, go give your Uncle Archie

a great big hug and a kiss, huh?

Oh--Uh, no, no, she don't have to do that.

You don't have to do that, kid.

Not unless you really want to.

Thank you.

Well, come on. Let's everybody sit down.

Well, you got bags. You're
takin' a trip, huh?

Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm on my
way to Fort Lauderdale.

Oh, that's a nice, long way. Yeah.

Would you like some milk and cookies?

No, thanks.

Would you like an apple?

No, thanks,

Would you like to wash
your hands or anything?

No, thanks, but I'd like to go to the john.

[giggling] Oh!

Well, come on!

I'll show you where it is.

- We're goin' to the john. - I heard.

Goin' to the john.

You'd think you coulda taught her

to say "terlit," like educated people.

Well, I do the best I can.

Well, you missed.

Well, you might as well
sit down, if you want to.

Gee, thanks.

Hold it. Not in that chair.

Gee, I hope you don't mind, Arch,

but I think I could use a drink.

No, I don't mind.

I think I got a bottle of--

Oh, geez. The drunk's demitasse.

[HUMMING]

Do you like kids?

Oh, I love kids!

Does Uncle Archie like 'em?

Oh, sure, he does.

We got a kid of our own--Gloria.

I'll show you a picture of her.

You met her at Aunt Shirley's apartment

in Brooklyn once.

She's all grown up now.

There she is.

And that's her little boy Joey.

He's nearly three.

I used to sing him a lullaby every night,

and as soon as I stopped singin',

he went right off to sleep.

So, you see, we love kids.

Some people don't.

Oh, I don't know anybody
that don't like kids.

You know Aunt Shirley from Brooklyn?

Oh, yeah. That's true.

And Aunt Vera from Hollis?

Oh, yeah. Her, too.

They don't like kids.

They even said so to me.

I don't think my mother
liked kids much either.

You musn't say that.

When she went away,

she didn't take me with her.

Well, maybe she wanted to but she couldn't.

She said the man she went
with wouldn't let her.

Can I see Gloria's room?

Oh, this isGloria's room.

You can take a nap in here
before dinner if you want to.

Are we gonna have dinner?

Oh, sure!

We're gonna have a real nice dinner,

'cause you're a real nice little girl.

So, anyway...

Gee, I hate to ask for help.

Well, that's good 'cause I hate to give it.

Especially if it's money.

Oh, no, no, it's not money.

Well, then you got a chance. What is it?

Well...

See, I was sort of hopin'
that maybe you could

look after Stephanie for
me for a couple of weeks.

You had a better chance for money.

Wait--

it's just till I get set.

I mean, she won't be no trouble at all.

Oh, quit your kiddin', will you, Floyd?

Listen, Edith don't need no helpless child

hangin' around demandin' all her attention.

She's got me.

What are you two talkin' about?

Oh, this guy here.

He wants to b*at it to Florida

and dump his kid on us.

It's just for two weeks, maybe three.

No, no, no. Edith--

Edith, tell Floyd he's
barkin' up the wrong tree.

You're barkin' up the wrong tree.

You heard the boss.

And we'd love to keep Stephanie for you!

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Oh, Edith, you're a saint!

Hey! Hey, Floyd!

Hey, the Pope give us enough saints.

Are you nuts?

- Yeah! - You are?

Oh, no!

Then don't be actin' like a nut, will ya?

We finally got a nice,
peaceful life goin' here.

You wanna louse it up with another kid?

But it's only for two weeks!

- Three at the most. - Oh, geez, Edith!

Shh! Edith.

Have pity on yourself, will you?

You're an older woman. Can't you face that?

And I'm getting there pretty fast myself.

Kids louse up your life there,

and we ain't got that much left!

Are we getting thrown out again?

Yeah.

That is exactly what we're gettin'.

Come on. Get your stuff.

Wait a minute! Ain't you
gonna stay for dinner?

No, people don't wanna eat

when their feelings are hurt.

Never mind, Edith.

We got a bus to catch.

I hope you can manage, Floyd.

Oh, don't worry, Edith. I'll manage.

I got it all worked out.

This is it, kid. Let's go.

Oh, well, Stephanie...

I'm sorry.

I hope we see each other again real soon.

We will, Aunt Edith.

Now don't be giving me that look.

I'm sorry I made you feel bad, but
I ain't sorry for what I done!

[SIGHS]

Oh, listen, don't start
this stuff, will you?

Edith.

When people bring kids into this world,

they gotta raise 'em themselves there.

But they ain't gonna do that

if they can find kind and dopey relatives

who're gonna do it for them!

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'll get that.

Your cousin Floyd,

he learned a good lesson here today.

He learned that he can't
dump his responsibilities

in our living room.

Oh, holy cow.

Floyd learned fast, Edith.

He dumped his responsibilities
on our porch!

Oh!

Wait a minute, Waldo.

Listen, all I'm askin' to do

is take care of this little kid

just for two weeks till
her daddy comes back--

Hello?

You lousy bum.

Won't do nothin' for a
helpless little child.

EDITH: Shh!

Oh, don't shush me.

Jeez, your relatives are selfish.

Stephie's takin' a nap.

Edith, we're runnin' out of
relatives here, that's all.

Then we just have to face it.

We got a nice little girl
on our hands for two weeks,

maybe three.

Oh, geez. Well, I don't--

Hold it, hold it. Here's one I missed.

Who is this? Lawson, L.

Louella Lawson!

Oh, I ain't thought about her for years!

Well, geez, Edith! Think
about her now, will ya, huh?

Her address is right here.

Sunnyfield Farm. Utica, New York, there.

Sunnyfield Farm.

That sounds like a swell place for kids.

Oh, no! That's for older people,

and they're all... you know,

kinda happy.

Well, Edith, that's it.

We're down to the bottom of the barrel,

which means, the cops. I gotta call 'em.

Oh, no! Please don't do that, Archie.

What are you gonna do?

The cops'll know exactly
who I should call--

- EDITH: No! No!
- ARCHIE: Edith! Edith! Edith!

ARCHIE: I cannot have
this kid in this house!

[ARCHIE AND EDITH ARGUE]

Edith, Edith, give me the phone.

- Come on now. - No, you ain't gonna do it.

- No! No! - Edith, Edith, come on.

[BOTH SHOUTING]

Edith, give me the--

Edith, do you realize how this would look

if the neighbors strolled in?

I ain't ashamed of what I'm doin'.

Oh, gee! The back of my knee, Edith!

All right, all right, all right.

- I give up! - All right.

Come on, get me out of this thing!

All right. I'll unravel us right now--

Oh!

Archie...

give me the phone.

Edith, this is ridiculous.

You know that I'm gonna be
able to make phone calls

someplace else, Edith, even if
I have to go down to the bar.

- No, Archie. You ain't--
- I'll run down to the gas station.

- Come on in the kitchen.
- This is so stupid.

I'll get you a nice beer,

- and you'll feel much better. Sit down now.
- I'm gonna do it, Edith.

I don't know why you fight
me on this thing, Edith.

[WEARILY] Archie!

- Listen, listen, listen. - [SIGHS]

Edith, Edith.

Let's don't fight about this thing, huh?

I mean, why can't we do what they do

when the U.S. government
has a disagreement?

You know, they vote on it.

- Oh, yeah! All right! - Yeah, all right.

- So we take a vote, all right? - Yeah.

All right, I vote the kid goes.

And I vote that she stays.

Which is a tie.

And in the case of a tie,

the president always
casts the deciding vote.

I vote she goes.

Are you the president?

Edith, I thought you knew that.

Well, I didn't vote for you.

Archie...

EDITH: She's just staying for two weeks!

ARCHIE: Two weeks?

EDITH: Oh, I gotta remember to
leave a note for the milkman.

Two extra quarts of
h*m* and some yogurt.

ARCHIE: I hate yogurt.

SPORTS COMMENTATOR:
...score the winning goal.

ARCHIE: Go!

Now, Gunderson for the home team...

[LAUGHS]

- He splits-- - [LAUGHS]

...from the business end of the stick.

Give it to him, Gunderson.

Hey, pay him back for
that earlobe he bit off.

Hey, this guy Leveque just got married.

I hope there's enough of
him left to take home!

[LAUGHS]

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Archie's Place.

Archie, Stephanie is gone!

What, did her old man come and get her?

No! She run away!

She's out there all alone!

Oh, my God! All alone?

She took her suitcase and run away!

She took her suitcase and run away?

Who took her suitcase and run away?

The kid took her suitcase and run away.

Call the police!

Don't tell me what to do, Harry, huh?

Edith, call the police.

Archie, I think she's on her way

to Fort Lauderdale.

Would you go down to the bus station?

I'll stay here in case she
decides to come back.

And call me, Archie, if you find her.

I'll call you. I'll call you.

- And call me if you don't find her!
- I'll call.

The number is Ravenswood...

Edith, I know our phone number.

I'll call you.

Good-bye.

Okay, Harry. Take over.

I gotta get down to the bus station.

Why don't you leave it to the cops?

The cops?

The cops can't find a big
guy like Jimmy Hoffa.

How they gonna find a little girl?

[SIGHS]

Hey there, chief.

Want some fun?

I don't like fun. I'm a maniac.

MAN OVER P.A.: : , Somerset line.

Westfield route. Stopping at Elizabeth,

Hillside, Linden, Russell Park,

Cranford, Westfield, now
boarding on ramp .

Uh, hey, you gonna keep sittin' there?

Excuse me.

Hey, kiddo, you never should've
escaped from that hospital

with that raging scarlet fever.

Is that you behind that magazine?

Nope.

What do you mean no? That's you!

Come on, now.

Hey, you hadn't oughta run away from home

that way tonight.

See, 'cause that puts me in the wrong.

That's my house you run away from there.

Means that I'm contributin'
to the, uh, what do you call,

the "loosensy" of a child.

I mean, I could get in big trouble.

I wouldn't tell on you.

Oh! Hey, listen, kiddo.

The cops got ways of making you talk.

How?

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe--maybe they'd shine a light

in your face all night, ya know?

Or maybe one of them hold your dolly

while two more would knock
you around a while.

What would they do to you?

Oh! I could get time, you know?

Maybe five to ten years up in Dannemora,

where I'd probably lead
a bunch of tough guys

trying to bust out, you know?

I'd get mowed down by the screws.

And then, what would your Aunt
Edith do with no husband?

Get another one.

Oh, oh, oh.

What do you think?

A woman can get another man like that?

My mother did.

Hey, listen.

Why did your mother run
away from your father?

She told me she got tired of hearing
his voice and looking at his face.

Oh, geez.

Well, your mother had no right

to tell you a thing like that.

Why not?

Because a child should
never be told the truth.

Especially about parents.

She could've told you something nice.

Like, she could've said

that, uh, she went away
for a while on a trip

for her health, you know?

And then, later on, when she come back,

she could tell you that she got better.

She couldn't come back.

Why not?

She was k*lled in a car accident.

Well...

Uh...

Listen, Rose Marie...

Stephanie.

Whatever.

You can't take no bus tonight.

I know. I only got $ . .

Then why did you come to the bus station?

After a while, somebody notices me,

and they take me to the children's shelter.

And then in a few months,

my father comes and gets me again.

But why don't he leave you in
the shelter in the first place?

He's not allowed to.

MAN OVER P.A.: : , Short Line bus.

Poughkeepsie route, stopping at Paramus,

Newburgh, Fishkill, Poughkeepsie,

now boarding on ramp two.

Uh... tell you what we do, kiddo.

You and me, we go find a telephone

and call up your Aunt Edith.

And then the two of us we go on home, huh?

Aren't you still mad at me?

When was I ever mad at you?

I was just saying to
your Aunt Edith tonight,

wouldn't it be nice to have
a little girl like you

around the house for a couple of weeks?

That isn't what I heard you say.

Hey. Listen.

If you was eavesdrippin'...

that there is a very defensive thing to do.

But this time, I forgive you.

Now, what do you say you and me,
we go and have a soda, huh?

And some chewing gum, too?

Yeah, sure.

Okay.

Okay. Come on, huh?

Can I have a new comic book, too?

Oh, geez.

You made them all the same, Lord.

Give 'em an inch...

Yeah. Come on.

Don't look at nobody goin' out, hear me?

You might catch somethin'.

[♪♪♪]

All in the Family was
played to a studio audience

for live responses.