01x06 - Episode Six

[bunniefuu]

All I'm saying is I find
it difficult to believe.

- But it's the truth, Mary.
- Really? - Honest to God.

So if I was to go next door

and open that washing basket of yours...

You wouldn't find any darks.

What, do you think I'm holding out on you?

I don't know what to believe.

Listen, I've plenty of coloureds.
You're welcome to my coloureds.

I'm not interested in
your coloureds, Sarah.

It's darks I need. Oh, listen, Da.

Do not be starting at
me about darks, Mary.

I've given you whatever darks I have.

Stick on a half load and
be done with it, woman.

A half load goes against
everything I stand for.

- You know that, Da. - You away
to do the big shop, Da? - Aye.

Gerry! Gerry!

I don't see why that useless drip
you call a husband has to be coming.

Because someone needs to drive
and you've been suspended, again.

- What did you do this time, Daddy?
- Nothing.

It's RUC discrimination.

The only crime I committed
was to be born a Catholic.

Gerry's never been suspended
and he's a Catholic.

He's also a prick, but that's by the by.

- Cut that out, Da. - Found some. - Oh!

Found some, Mary.

- Great. - Right. That's
us away. - Have a nice time.

Tell that Free State
fucker to shift his hole.

I'm sure we will.

There's no shame in doing a
half load, you know, Mary.

I can't, Sarah. I physically can't.

Hey! Let me look at that.
You call that clean, do you?

Different standards, you see, Mary.

You're not in England now, son.

- Orla was the one who washed it.
- Oh, OK. OK.

I have had it with you,
James, and your picking,

picking, picking, and I won't
take it any more. Do you hear me?

- Is everything OK, Orla?
- I warned you, Orla.

You're putting yourself
under too much pressure.

Can't fail, Mammy.

- Since when have you been
troubled by exams? - Exams?

- What are you on about, Erin?
- What are you on about, Orla?

- Step. - I'm sorry? - Step aerobics.

Orla has got really into step aerobics.

Her instructor says she's a natural.

Says she's got what it
takes to go all the way.

All the way in step aerobics?

But it's out of control now, Mary.

She's stepping morning, noon and night.

Apart from anything else, it's dangerous.

She nearly came through
the ceiling yesterday.

OK, she might be gifted, but I just
want her to have a normal childhood.

- I won't give it up. I can't.
- Listen to yourself, love.

Now, whites.

I've got my eye on you, boy.

- Jesus, Joe.
- What are you doing here?

Meeting your fancy woman, I suppose.

No, I'm not. I'm collecting
Mary's photographs.

And if I was having an illicit
rendezvous with my mistress,

I'm not sure that the supermarket
that my father-in-law is

doing the big shop in would be
the best place for it, really.

- Quinn, you said?
- That's right.

- Here we go.
- Great.

That'll be £3.75, please. And
have you got your wee docket there?

- Yeah, I do. - It's a wee red
slip of paper, about yay big.

- Yeah.
- Dark blue lettering, it has.

- Yeah, I know. - Not a navy blue,
now. More like a royal blue.

I know what it looks like.

Times New Roman, I believe
the font is called.

- I just can't find it.
- Prick.

Er, look, I'm sorry. Do
you absolutely need it?

I'm afraid I do, sir, yes. Proof of ID.

But you have my surname
written on it there.

How do I know that's your surname?

Because I just told you it was my surname.

- You could be lying.
- Why would I lie?

To get your hands on
someone else's photos.

Why would I want somebody else's photos?

Like, who would pay for
somebody else's photos?

- Stalker, maybe.
- Yeah, exactly. Very good, sir.

- A stalker. - I'm
not a stalker. - Look,

why don't you just go home and have
a wee look for your wee docket?

No. This is ridiculous.

Just open that up and
take out one of the photos.

You see? That's me wife there.

How do I know you're not
just telling me that?

Cos that's me standing beside her.

I suppose you do look a bit like this man.

- I am this man.
- It could be you.

It's definitely me.

My name is Gerry Quinn. This
is my father-in-law, Joe.

He can vouch for me.

I've never seen this
man before in my life.

No docket, no photographs.

Great.

Ten copies of each, please,
and Jenny wants a tea.

OK, guys.

Don't forget, entries for
our searching for myself

writing competition are to be

placed here. If you could
all spread the word,

- that'd be fabby-dabby-do.
- Fabby-dabby-d*ck.

Can I have your attention, please,
ladies? Get down. Get down.

I've just received a phone
call from Louise Kerr's mother,

and it's not looking great.

Oh, God, I just can't believe it.

It's unlikely she'll be returning to
school before the end of the year,

- so I think the only thing we
can do now is... - Pray for her?

No. What use would that do?

No, I think the best thing

we can do is decide who will
fulfil the role of editor now.

Sister Michael, some of us have actually

already discussed this eventuality,
and the thing is, well,

nobody is comfortable
stepping into Louise's shoes.

It feels a bit, sort of, disrespectful.

We think this issue should be cancelled.

Well, fair enough, if nobody is willing

- to take her place.
- I'll do it. - Excuse me?

I'll take her place. I'll step
into her shoes. I'll do it.

- Really?
- Absolutely.

No, you can't.

We're making a statement.
You're ruining our statement.

Look, girls, I know Louise
meant a lot to you all.

- She's not dead, Erin.
- Well, not yet.

Hopefully she won't, you know, die,

but if she does, the show must go on.

- Isn't that right, Sister Michael?
- You terrify me.

You can't be the editor.

You've never even written
an article, Erin.

That's because I can't get
anything past Rupert Murdoch

- over there. - This isn't fair.
You can't let it happen, Sister.

I know, but I'm bored now,

so it looks like I probably
will. Good luck, all.

How could you have lost
the wee docket, Gerry?

Aye, everybody knows you have
to hang on to the wee docket.

Look, I've said that I'm sorry.

They were my birthday
photos, for God's sake.

There's definitely grounds
for an annulment here, Mary.

I mean you only turn 33 once.

You've been 33 a few times
now, in fairness, Mary.

Well, aren't you a brave
man, given the circumstances?

Mary, come on. Would you not reconsider?

- No, Da.
- Please, love.

- Just the once.
- I'm not letting you hit him, Da.

I'm devastated. That was

when I lost the half-stone doing
the Rosemary Conley as well.

My collar bone was sort
of poking through my skin.

- Do you remember, Mary?
- Aye, you were far too thin, Sarah.

No, it was. It was brilliant,
and now I haven't got

so much as a photograph to look back on.

Look, it's gone. The docket is
gone. Why don't we just move on?

Why don't you just move out?

Guess who's been made editor
of the school magazine!

Me! I have. Can you believe it?

Oh, Christ. My whites.

I think I know what
happened to the wee docket.

d*ck.

Good morning, team!

- Where is everyone? - They
quit. - What? You're not serious.

They all think what you did
was pretty out of order, Erin.

- I see.
- And that you're a bit ruthless.

- OK. - And cold. - Right.

And nobody really has any respect for you.

Yes, all right, thank you.

Well, I appreciate that
you're still here, Aisling.

I really do. I'm not gonna lie.

Just the two of us, it's gonna be tough,

but if you're not afraid of the
challenge, then neither am I.

Yeah. I only came back
because I forgot my inhaler.

Fine. Puff off. I don't need
you. I don't need any of you.

I've got my own people,

and we'll show you up for
the amateurs that you are.

My people are sh*t hot.
Do you hear me? sh*t hot!

OK. Right. OK.

- How do I do a new line again?
- Return.

- Jesus, James. How many times?
- Return.

I can't understand. Come on!

Seriously? Will you be quiet?

- I'm trying to get my creative juices
flowing over here. - OK. You're gonna have

- to never say that sentence again.
- Enough. Come on.

We need to make a call on our late story.

OK. So, let's...

Would you stop doing that, please?

I can't let my heart rate
drop, I'm afraid, Erin.

Let's just run through some
of our favourite ideas.

- So, firstly, animals. - Animals.
Can someone elaborate? - Yeah.

So, this concept would focus on animals,

alongside pictures of famous
people who look a bit like animals.

- Michelle Pfeiffer looks
like a cat. - Exactly. - OK.

Right. Animals. Er, what's the next one?

- Shoes of the...
- Shoes of the world.

- And that involves...?
- So, this piece would

concentrate on different shoes from
around the world, sitting alongside

pictures of, you know, different
shoes from around the world.

- OK. - So, like, how in Russia
they wear boots because...

Cos it's Baltic.

- In India they wear sandals because...?
- It's boiling.

- So that's it, is it?
- Thoughts?

I'm not totally convinced by
either of them, if I'm honest.

Oh, my God. They're sh*t.

They're absolutely sh*t.

- How can we print this utter sh*t?
- OK, don't panic.

Don't panic? Don't panic, James?

Shoes of the world.
What does that even mean?

- Yeah, we're f*cked.
- No. It's OK.

It's gonna be OK.

We just need to change
our approach slightly.

- The writing competition?
- Exactly.

There's bound to be something
in here we can steal.

We can just steal something, and we'll

just steal someone's idea and
we'll pass it off as our own.

Journalistic integrity at its finest.

Searching for myself?

- What a load of balls.
- Oh, my God. - Let's see.

Suffocation: the secret
life of a gay teenager.

It's anonymous.

- It wasn't me.
- No. This was written by a girl.

A real life lesbian walks among us.

- I don't really believe in lesbians.
- This is perfect.

We'll just print this.

- Come on, Erin, you can't do that.
- Why not?

We'll get in trouble,
real trouble, big trouble.

You're Erin not afraid of a
bit of controversy, are you?

Yes. Actually, yes, I am.

Something like this could go
on our permanent record, Erin.

And what's more important, Clare?

Your permanent record, or
telling this poor girl's story?

- My permanent record.
Count me out. - Fine.

Well, this issue of The Habit
will go down in history.

In history, I say!

You seriously need to chill the f*ck out.

Not happening.

- But Sister Michael...
- Don't even think about arguing.

I can't be doing with the
Board of Governors getting

wind of something like this at the moment.

They're a thorn in my
arse at the best of times.

I mean, for God's sake, Erin, what
happened to Shoes of the World?

This is more important.

This is about, you know, gay rights.

I see.

And I take it that's what the
camp shirts are in aid of.

A very serious uniform
violation, by the way.

But let's take one problem
at a time, shall we?

This isn't a problem, Sister.
This is ground-breaking journalism.

They are not to be distributed tomorrow.

Do I make myself clear?

But that's censorship.

Well done. You are correct.

You're being censored. Now go.

You see, I was so focused
on pissing off that gobshite

my eldest girl's unfortunate enough
to be married to, that I completely

lost sight of the fact that they
were really her birthday photos.

And my other girl, my younger girl,

well, she was looking very slim
at the time, so go and grab them

for me, there's a good fella.

I can't accept that.

I think something's been lost
in translation here, boy.

Here, Daddy, get a whiff of that.

- Oh, that's very nice, love.
- It's you!

What?

The photographs. Well, I remember
you. I couldn't forget ya.

Hope you don't mind me saying this,
but you have a cracking clavicle.

I don't mind, Ciaran.

I don't mind at all.

Oh, for Christ's sake.

It's wrong. I mean...

My God, the injustice of it all.

You should get that one framed as
a wee reminder of your night, Mary.

I'm not in that one.

I know, but it's stunning of me.

It is indeed.

Hey, boy. It's dinner she invited
you round for, not an orgy.

She basically told us we can't print the

story because it's about a lesbian.

Do you not think there's an awful
lot of lesbians about nowadays?

You can't move for lesbians. It's
wall to wall lesbians out there.

- Really? - It's true. Brigitte
Gallagher -- she's a lesbian.

Brigitte Gallagher, who
works in the post office?

- I believe so.
- Is she not a vegetarian, Da?

Sorry, you're right.
Vegetarian, Brigitte is.

Well, it's an easy mistake to
make, Joe. Can I call you Joe?

No.

Right.

Welcome to the club, Ciaran.

I'm gonna have to make a
stand about this, Mammy.

Ah no, you won't, Erin.

The school is trying to erase
this young girl's experience,

all because she's gay.

I mean, what if it were me?

What if it were Orla?

Fine, stick up for the wee lesbian.

I just don't understand what they eat.

Read all about the wee d*ke.

We will not be censored!

Lesbians really do exist!

I support gays, even though
I myself am not actually gay.

Come on, Clare.

I don't wanna get involved. I'm sorry.

Coward!

♪ Let's talk about sex, baby

♪ Let's talk about you and me

♪ Let's talk about all
the good things... ♪

What's going on?

Erin Quinn and her friends are
handing out their magazine.

They're ignoring the ban, Sister.

You need to put a stop to it.

Sister, didn't you hear me?

Do you know what, Jenny?

I don't think I did.

- Isn't this mad?
- It's all anyone's talking about.

Everyone's buzzing to find out who she is.

Well, if she ever does reveal herself,

she'll basically be a celebrity.

Excuse me. Excuse me,
everybody. Excuse me.

Excuse me. Yeah.

I just want to say,

that if you're looking for the
wee lezzer, look no further,

because here she is.

Love women. Can't get
enough of the ladies.

Big fan of the fandango.

Huge. Massive.

Aye, so's me ma.

Aye, good one.

You're talking shite.

f*ck off.

- Hi. - Aw, it's crawled out
from under its rock, has it?

You should be ashamed of yourself.

I know. I'm sorry. It all
just made me a bit nervous.

Everything makes you nervous,
Clare. You're a walking cack att*ck.

I can't help that. It's
the way God made me.

Michelle's running round
saying it's her, that she

wrote the story, that
she's the wee lesbian.

As if, like. There'd be
more chance of it being you.

It is me.

No, I mean I'd be less
surprised if it was you.

- It is.
- No, it's not, but if it was...

Erin! It's me.

I'm the wee... lesbian.

Aye, so you are, Clare(!)

I'm not joking.

You're...

You're a lesbian?

I've never been brave enough
to say it out loud before,

but I think that's why I wrote the story,

and then it all got too real,

I got too scared, but now, well,
you've made me realise it's all OK.

Don't blame me.

- What?
- You fancy girls?

Well, that's sort of an entry
level requirement, Erin.

I think I'm gonna boke.

Do you mind? I'm trying to come out here.

Well, don't. Don't come out. Go back in.

I don't wanna go back in.

Well, I'm sorry, Clare, but I'm
just not interested in you,

not like that.

"Not interested in you like
that." Look at the state of you.

Oh, come off it.

Your arrogance is staggering, Erin.

Well, you know what else
is staggering? Your gayness.

I really thought you'd understand.

She won't even talk to me. She
doesn't even want to sit beside me.

In French, she moved
next to Kiefer Callaghan,

so things must be really bad,
because Kiefer reeks of piss.

Christ's sake. Is this
bastard living with us now?

- Daddy's dead funny, isn't he?
- Yeah.

I just want my old friend back.

She hasn't gone anywhere, love.

Can you blame her?

Ignore him, Erin. These gays,
they all stick together.

I'm not gay.

What's wrong with being gay?

He is such a f*cking h*m*.

♪ It's the heart afraid of breaking

♪ That never learns to dance... ♪

Now James isn't even speaking to me.

♪ It's the dream... ♪

Don't worry about James.
James doesn't count.

♪ Afraid of waking

♪ That never takes the chance

- ♪ It's the ones ♪
- ♪ It's the ones ♪

- ♪ Who won't be taken ♪
- ♪ Who won't be taken ♪

♪ Who cannot seem to give

- ♪ And the soul ♪
- ♪ And the soul ♪

- ♪ Afraid of dying ♪
- ♪ Afraid of dying ♪

- ♪ That never learns to live ♪
- ♪ That never learns to live ♪

Lovely, altogether.

You know, every year

I sit backstage listening to the
singers and it really makes me

realise just how talented the
professionals who originally

recorded these tracks were.

Now, who's on next?

Christ, this is penance.

I'm not doing it again.
I mean it this time.

Up next we have...

.. Orla McCool.

Christ.

♪ God? ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh

♪ Life is a mystery

♪ Everyone must stand alone

♪ I hear you call my name

♪ And it feels like home

♪ When you call my name

♪ It's like a little prayer

♪ I'm down on my knees

♪ I wanna take you there

♪ In the midnight hour

♪ I can feel your power

♪ Just like a prayer

♪ You know I'll take you there

♪ I hear your voice... ♪

What's wrong with her, like?

She's such a d*ck.

Yeah, she might be a d*ck.

But she's my d*ck.

Actually, she's our d*ck.

♪ Out of the sky

♪ I close my eyes... ♪

Oh, for f*ck's sake.

♪ When you call my name

♪ It's like a little prayer

♪ I'm down on my knees

♪ I wanna take you there

♪ In the midnight hour

♪ I can feel your power

♪ Just like a prayer

♪ You know I'll take you there... ♪

'.. in what is already being described
as one of the worst atrocities

of the Northern Irish conflict.

At least 12 people are thought
to be dead and many more wounded.

Emergency services are
urging anyone with medical

training to come to the scene immediately.

The device was detonated
at 3pm this afternoon.

The RUC say no warning was given.

♪ Oh, my life is changing every day

♪ In every possible way

♪ And, oh, my dreams

♪ It's never quite as it seems

♪ Never quite as it seems

♪ I know I felt like this before

♪ But now I'm feeling it even more

♪ Because it came from you

♪ Then I open up and see

♪ The person falling here is me

♪ A different way to be. ♪