09x04 - What'll We Do with Stephanie?

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us, we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls, and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

Hey, if you need help with that
crossword, kiddo, just holler.

You know, I'll throw you a word.

'Cause if there's one thing
I'm good at it's words.

Eight across: "A Biblical
hymn sung in church."

Oh, well, that's right up my ally, there,

'cause, you know, my two best
subjects is religion and wrestling.

Uh, let's see, a Biblical hymn.

How many letters is that?

Five.

Five.

I think I got that. Hold it.

Sa-o--

I think they're wrong
there, it's only four.

You see the word is psalm, s-o-m-m.

Put that down there.

What am I supposed to do
with the extra square?

Just take your pencil and black it in.

I think it's p-s-a-l-m.

Well, I ain't gonna argue
with you there, snooks.

If you wanna go around the rest
of your life say "pasalam"

that's okay with me.

And when your Daddy comes
to pick you up, there,

you'll find that you ain't no smarter
than when he dumped you here.

Look at this here.

"Elvis speaks to relatives
from beyond the grave."

Wow.

"The King of Rock says there
is life after death."

Oh.

Is there?

Well, it must be.

Yeah, you do that.

But wait. Before you go up there, Melanie--

Stephanie.

- Whatever. - Whatever.

I just want to say one thing to you.

And I mean this very sinseriously.

You've been with us a couple weeks now,

and it ain't been half bad,

considering I wasn't too crazy
about you when I first met you.

But I like ya.

I like you, too. You're cute for your age.

Oh, whoop-de-doo.

[HUMMING] Oh!

I'm home!

I'm home, Archie.

Are you sure?

I got a going-away present for you.

What is it?

It's a manicure set. And it has scissors

and a nail file and clippers

and a cuticle pusher.

And here's some red nail polish.

I'm gonna put some on right now.

Good.

Red nail polish, Edith?

Why didn't you buy her some rouge

and some high heels and a lamp post

to stand there?

Oh!

Mailman! [GIGGLES]

All right, bring it in here.

See if there's anything
for me there, will you?

I'm expecting a free copy
of The American Yachtsman.

Now let's see...

"Budget funerals."

We're still alive.

[GASPS]

"Do you know you may have won $ , ?"

What I don't know won't hurt me.

"Occupant, do not throw this away."

Request denied.

[GASPS]

Here's one for Stephanie.

It's from her father.

Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh.

Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it.

What's the matter?

Edith, Edith, think. Think, huh?

Why, if her father's coming
to pick her up tonight,

is he writing her a letter today?

Maybe he wants to tell
her that he missed her.

Missed her? That lush?

You're gonna miss somebody,
you first gotta be

sober enough to remember somebody.

- Let me take a look. - Wait a minute!

Don't stop me. I know what I'm doing here.

Look at this.

Look at that. He's pretty sneaky.

See? He folded it three or four times

so he knew I couldn't
see what was in there.

Good, you got the steam going

because I'm gonna find out right now--

Archie, you shouldn't read
another person's mail.

A person ain't a person

until it reaches the age of , Edith.

In the meantime, what I'm doing now

is taking a healthy interest

in the kid's future.

Archie, give me that letter.

No, no, no, no.

Archie! It ain't right.

What do you mean it ain't right?

The Lord is on my side here.

The Lord never steamed open a letter.

Oh, well...

They didn't have steam back in God's days.

I got it now.

Archie, give me that letter.

- No, no. - I want it!

- Don't read that. - Sit down, sit down.

Down, down, down.

[MUMBLING]

What the hell's on this guy's mind--

Uh--uh...

"My darling daughter Stephanie..."

Oh, that's what her name is, huh?

Oh, holy cow.

Oh, geez.

What does it say?

You wanna know now, huh?

Wait till you get a load of this.

[CLEARS THROAT] "I am sorry,

but I cannot come to pick you up."

Oh, no!

Oh, yes.

"I'm working on a ship..."

Oh, no!

Oh, yes!

"...which I find to be a good home for me,

but not a good enough home for you."

Oh, no.

Don't keep saying "Oh, no"

when it's always "Oh, yes"!

- Shh! - Shh.

Now, to continue on here.

"You're in good hands,

"and I know the Bunkers
will take good care of you.

"Your Aunt Edith is a very fine woman,

"and with luck, you'll get used

to your Uncle Archie."

The ilk of this guy.

Ilk? What is ilk?

Ilk is your family.

Oh.

"Someday, who knows when,

"I'll come back for you.

Your loving father."

Well, he's done it to the kid again.

STEPHANIE: Where is everybody?

Here. Put it back, Archie, put it back!

Here we are!

Aren't my nails pretty?

Oh, they're beautiful.

- Hi there, Rosemary. - Stephanie.

Whatever.

Uh, the mail came.

Archie.

Edith. Edith.

The child has got to
read it sooner or later.

You see, a letter come from your daddy.

Hey, uh...

Uh, don't you wanna read it?

Hey, I'm dying to know what's in there.

Edith, shush.

Here, kiddo.

Here, take it, huh?

Go open it up.

Gee, it opened easy.

Uh, well, the glue is weak.

They don't k*ll horses for that no more.

Stephie--

I'm sure your daddy loves you very much.

He says he can't pick me up today.

But he's got a wonderful job

in Fort Lauderdale.

And he'll come and pick me up

as soon as he finds a pretty little house

near a pretty school and a playground

where there's lots of children my age.

He didn't say--

Ain't that nice, Archie?

Uh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, that's beautiful.

Hey, you don't find fathers
like him on trees...

unless they're attached there by a rope.

I better go up and start unpacking...

...if you want me to.

Of course! We want you to.

We want you to stay here
as long as you can.

Well, all right there, Miss Information.

You don't have to tell me
to write the number down.

I know that.

I didn't just row over here from Cuba.

Archie, what are you doing?

What am I doing?

I'm putting out an All
Points for fleeing Floyd.

Listen, if he thinks he's gonna
to get away by jumping on a ship,

he's got another think coming.

Boy, I'm gonna catch that guy if
I gotta drain the ocean for him.

Who are you calling?

Who am I calling? I'm calling the FBI.

- The FBI? - Yeah.

Oh, I think they're too busy

for a thing like this.

Oh, no, they ain't. No, they ain't.

They--they got plenty of time
ever since Nixon abdicated.

But the FBI...

just takes care of crimes.

What the hell do you call this?

Abandoning a child across state lines.

And between here and Florida,

you got the original states.

But, Archie, I--

This here is a federal rap.

When you go out there in the water,

and you start crossing them
"longirudes" and "lassitudes,"

you're in deep trouble there, baby.

Archie, I think--

Shush it. Hello.

Yeah, I wanna talk to the boss down there.

Mm. Hold still.

[CHUCKLES]

I'm gonna call you wiggle worm.

I wanna pin the dress, not you.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, I'll get it.

I'll get it!

I forgot-- Archie ain't here.

Hello.

Oh, how do you do?

Oh, excuse me, just a minute.

Are you Mrs. Bunker?

Yeah.

I'm Laura Grant,

Special Services for Children.

EDITH: Oh.

GRANT: I understand Stephanie
Mills is staying with you.

Yeah.

Oh. You must've heard from my husband.

The FBI.

EDITH: Oh, yeah.

Well, come on in.

Thank you.

And you must be Stephanie.

Stephanie, this is Miss Grant.

Why don't you sit down?

Thank you.

Oh, be careful of the pins.

What a pretty dress.

Aunt Edith is fixing it for me.

It's nice to have an aunt
who'll do that for you.

She does lots of things for me.

She bought me a manicure set.

She cooks my favorite foods for me.

She puts me to bed and
tells me long stories

until I fall asleep.

That's nice.

She's just like my own mother.

Oh, and you're just like
my own little girl.

Why don't you go upstairs now

and put on your jeans?

And that way, Miss Grant and me

can have a little talk.

Okay.

Like Uncle Archie says,

"Little pictures got big eyes."

Mrs. Bunker,

the FBI referred this case to me.

Yeah, you see,

my husband wants them to
find Stephanie's father.

Well, Mr. McKenzie from the FBI

thinks he's--

well, as he put it, a nut.

Oh, no, Stephanie's father ain't no nut.

He was referring to your husband.

Oh!

Oh...

Oh, Archie would never do nothing nutty--

not on purpose.

Well, what kind of nutty things

not on purpose does he do?

Oh, nothing that would hurt nobody.

I mean, well, he talks back
to Walter Cronkite on the TV.

And he don't like people
sitting in his chair

like you're doing now.

Oh, it's all right, he ain't here.

And he says that he hates the phone company

and the gas company and
the electric company.

What does he like?

Oh... he likes beer.

And, um, John Wayne.

And World w*r II, the big one.

And The Alamo. And Richard Nixon.

And Sammy Davis, Jr.

He sat in that chair, too.

Oh, he's really a wonderful
man, my husband.

And underneath, he's very sweet.

Damn that Barney Hefner.
I'm gonna m*rder him.

Hi, Archie!

You know what happened to me just now?

I nearly busted an ankle

jumping over two pyramids that
Barney's dog left on our sidewalk.

Who the hell is this?

Archie, this is Miss Grant.

Uh, my husband, Archie Bunker.

Miss Grant is here on account of Stephanie.

Oh! Oh, Stephanie.

Oh, well, please, sit down,

Mrs.--what are you called?

- Grant. - Yeah, Grant, huh?

FBI?

Special Services for Children.

Which is what?

Children's welfare.

Ed Koch is handing out
welfare to children now?

In a way.

My concern is to find a
proper place for the child.

Oh, well, hey, I wanna do that, too,

but I wanna be sure that she goes

with her own kind, you know.

Well, what I mean to say,

as you know yourself,

there are certain mixtures, see,

they don't, uh, mix.

Uh, what kind of mixtures
did you have in mind?

Well, you know, the wrong mixtures,

present company suspected.

We got a proper place for her right here.

We love her.

And her father left her here with us,

so we're very glad to take care of her

until he gets back.

That's enough, Edith.

That's enough for me.

- Oh. - Thank you so much.

Thank you.

I'll put that down in my report.

Wait a minute, Mrs.--

Edith, would you get out of the way--

out of the way-- out of the way?

Missis, I'm sorry.

My wife, she can't do that.

She can't take care of this kid.

Oh, yes, I can.

Stifle, stifle, stifle, Edith.

She can't, there.

She's an older woman here,

and she just can't do
that whole thing alone.

And I'm a busy guy, you know.

I can't be around the child at all.

I was counting on that.

Hey, was that a sh*t?

Oh, no, she was smiling.

Oh, but, Edith, come on.

What the hell are we gonna do?

We can't carry on like this forever.

Oh, Archie,

God has put a little girl in our house.

Don't lay this off on God.

It was her boozed-up father that done this.

Archie, Stephie is family.

Oh, come on, family.

Hey, listen, huh?

Your Aunt Luella up in
Utica on a funny farm,

she's family, too.

You wanna let her in here

so she could eat all the lampshades?

Oh, Archie, Aunt Luella never done that.

She just ate a paper napkin.

Oh, Edith...

What are we gonna do with this kid?

We're gonna take care of her,

and we're gonna love her.

And she's a good little girl,

so she won't be no trouble.

Don't hit me on the sides of my face!

What do you mean she ain't
gonna be no trouble?

All kids are trouble, Edith.

And I don't wanna spend my reclining years

trying to raise another one, huh?

All the money spending there,

trying to take care of her,

yanking out the tonsils and the adenoods,

and straightening the teeth,

and straightening the eyes.

Her eyes?

All girls go cockeyed during pooberescency.

Archie, where did you ever hear that?

I heard--that's a well-known fact.

Look it up.

But, Archie,

Stephie's gonna bring love into our lives.

We don't need no more love!

We got enough of that here!

Edith, listen to me.

I'm only thinking of you, darling.

You've been working your
butt off all these years,

cooking for me, cleaning for me,

looking after me there.

Though I would've got you a maid,

you're not the kind of woman
who would ever want a maid.

- Oh, yeah, I would. - You wouldn't.

Now, listen.

You know that I never pull rank on ya.

Don't gimme that.

I don't!

But on this occasion,

as the head of this house here--

You ain't the head of--

All right, all right, all right.

I'm half the head the house, okay?

So on this occasion, I gotta say this:

We must find another home for that child.

And you go and tell her.

Oh, no.

Oh, yes.

- No. - Yes.

- You tell her. - You tell her.

BOTH: You tell her. You tell her.

BOTH: You tell her!

- Stephanie! - Tell her!

Your Uncle Archie wants
to tell you something.

No, I don't.

STEPHANIE: Tell me what?

Come here, Stephie.

Now, here she is.

Edith, I don't--

Now... tell her.

All right, I'm gonna tell ya.

I'm gonna tell ya straight-out.

Your Aunt Edith and me,

we've been alone for a while here, see,

and we enjoy ourselves
'cause we're, like, free.

We can do a lot of things
we couldn't do before.

And maybe we wanna take a
trip or something like that.

I was thinking we buy a car, you know?

I know what you're thinking.

We can throw her in the back of the car,

but she'd never like it
in the back of the car.

No, you wouldn't, you would not.

And another thing-- you're old
enough to hear this, see.

It costs a lot of money to raise a kid.

I know what you're thinking. I'm making
more nowadays than I ever made before.

But everything is costing me more, too.

Now, no more interruptions,
Edith, please, huh?

Let me see your teeth. Do this here.

Let me see there.

Did you ever have them sharpened?

Well, they ain't bad.

At least they're all pointing
in the same direction.

Do this for me here.

Follow my fingers here. Look at them.

See what happened there, huh?

I know what you're gonna say.

They snapped back into place fast

but that's 'cause she's young.

But the main thing is this, kiddo,

is that your Aunt Edith there, she's, uh...

she's too old to be trying to
raise a little thing like you.

Look at her.

Well, I don't care what ya say.

I'm gonna tell her the truth.

And the truth is this here...

The truth is...

That this whole situation here, see--

[SIGHS]

Oh, geez.

This whole situation here is really...

It's up to your Aunt Edith.

All right, all right, all right!

Don't slobber me

in the middle of the living room!

Get me a beer, beer, beer!

One beer coming right up!

One beer coming right up!

[♪♪♪]

All in the Family was
played to a studio audience

for live responses.