09x10 - Bogus Bills

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us, we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls, and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

["JINGLE BELLS" PLAYS]

Here you are, Santa, have some nuts.

- Ah, thank you. Merry Christmas to ya.
- Ha ha, hey!

Ah, this Christmas season's
really something, ain't it, Arch?

Yeah, something awful.

Yeah, it's a terrific time of year.

It's terrific but givin' me the blues.

Come on, Christmas is fun.

♪ 'Tis the season to be jolly ♪

♪ Fa la la la la la la la la ♪

Come on. Hey! Stop, will you?

Gimme a break here, huh?

What the hell you want
me to be jolly about?

Muggers in the streets there,
busting our heads in here.

Your friendly neighborhood
merchants gouging you there?

Dignified professional men
on the subway groping ya?

Hey, Arch, does the house
ever buy one a round here?

Hey, get a load of Santy Claus over there.

He ain't even been on
his corner a week here,

he's acting like a regular customer,
looking for a free drink.

I'm a regular customer. I
never get a free drink.

Why don't you write a
letter to Santy Claus?

Arch, I think we should buy a round.

Why?

I think so, too.

Hey, when I want your advice,

I'll ask for it.

Arch, just for the bar and Santa.

Well, what's your advice?

[ALONG WITH ARCHIE] Free drinks.

ARCHIE: Okay, a drink, huh?

Remember, no doubles, just one little drink

for the Merry Christmas here.

Hey, Mr. Van Ranseleer,

here's looking at you.

I'll drink to that.

Jeez, I'm sorry.

I keep forgetting you're blind.

How are things going, Santa?

Any charity left in the world?

I'll let you know in a minute.

Any of you guys want to sweeten the pot?

I tell you, I'm tapped out for
the current "friscal" year.

How about you?

I gave at the office.

Hey, how about you?

Uh, put it on my tab.

How about yourself?

Well, that answers my question.

Hey, Santy, you better get
back out there on your corner

before the "hairy krishnies"
grab it for their act.

Yeah, you're right.

And, by the way, when you're out there,

don't ring your jolly bell so loud, huh?

Nobody likes that.

Okay, Arch.

I'll see you later.

Yeah, see you later. Let me go, ten--

- Arch, Arch! - Yeah, yeah.

- I've been meaning to tell ya. - What?

Don't count the dough in
front of the clientele.

Jeez, you ain't got no faith in humanity.

You know, you're worse than me.

Five, six... I--

Oh, wait a minute, wait a
minute, wait a minute.

What the hell is this here?

What's the matter?

Wait, let me look, will ya?

We got stiffed here for a
phony ten-dollar bill.

How do you know?

I know because I can read there.

Don't you see that?

There's a word spelled backwards.

It looks okay to me.

"Indogwe trust"?

Oh, yeah.

Lucky you're a good speller.

Give me that.

What the hell is the matter with you?

Ten dollars, geez!

I know it ain't nothing beside the Jap yen,

but it's still ten dollars.

Why are you so careless, huh?
Watch what you're doin'.

You ain't gonna get no place in this world

unless you keep your eyes open.

Excuse me, Mr. Van Ranseleer.

Me? How do you know it was me?

Maybe it was you got stiffed.

No, it wasn't, 'cause I
know what I'm doin' there.

But you... geez.

You'd give ten singles for a piece of
toilet paper if it was painted green.

I still don't think it was me.

All right, I'll prove it to ya.

Here, here's the phony ten.
You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna stick that phony...

right in here with these other good ones.

Now you find it.

I'll prove it to ya.

Go ahead.

There. There's your phony.

You just proved that you don't
know your cash from your elbow.

Here's the phony right here.

I only pretended to stick
it in with the good ones.

"In dogwe trust"?

Give me that.

Holy cow, we got stiffed
for two of them in here.

See this? You see this?

You know that the day that Edgar J.
Hoover went West, poor man,

I knew we were gonna have a
rash of this criminology.

I'd better go out to the safe,

check the weekend take.

Yeah, do that, will ya?

And look good this time, will ya?

Yeah, want to buy my glasses?

Oh, Mr. Van Ranseleer, no
jokes about the blind, huh?

They make me so sad.

- Hi! - Hi, kid!

- Hi! - Oh, hi there, kiddo.

Hey, what are you doin' here?

I came to get my lunch.

Your lunch? I ain't got your lunch.

Didn't your Aunt Edith gave you
nothing before she left this morning?

Yes, but she gave me yours,
and I think you got mine.

Oh, well, that could be.

Let's see what we got here.

Oh, yeah, this looks like yours, all right.

See what you got here.

A chicken leg, and a hard-boiled
egg, two carrot sticks,

an apple, and wheat germ bread.

What a world--

where germs are supposed
to be good for you, huh?

Junk food.

What did she put in yours for me?

A liverwurst and bologna
sandwich and two Twinkies.

Ahh, that's mine all right.

Bologna, see?

When you eat that, you
know you ate something...

all day long.

Can I have a beer?

Could you have what?

Beer, beer, beer.

Beer, beer, beer?

Where'd you ever learn to
ask for things that way?

I don't know, I must
have heard it somewhere.

Was that a sh*t?

No.

Good.

Listen, you steer clear of no-class people

that yell around that way, understand me?

You didn't even say "please."

Please, may I have a beer?

No!

Hey, hey. Don't be fresh!

You'd better hurry up back to
that dopey school you go to.

If it's dopey, why do I have to hurry back?

You don't know why you're going
to school, a big girl like you?

Don't you know it's important

that you're in that school
for five hours every day

because society, you see...

They don't know what else to do with you.

Here, give me a smooch.

Heh? Now, buzz off.

And come back when you got high heels.

- Bye! - Bye!

- Bye, Steph. - Bye, Steph.

Hey, Arch, we're outta nuts.

Oh, no, we ain't, Barney.

Yeah, we are.

Come on, Barney, you're here over an hour

and you ain't bought nothing.

Can I get you something?

Yeah, some more nuts.

Let me ask you.

Don't eatin' all 'em free salty
nuts make you a little thirsty?

Yeah. Gimme a glass of water.

- Water, huh? - Yeah.

Okay, Barney. That's all you want, huh?

- That's all. - All right, Barney.

- Anything to please a customer there.
- Thanks, Arch.

Oh, wait a minute. Wouldn't you
like a little twist in that?

Oh, sure! If it ain't too much trouble.

No, no, no, Barney, no.

No trouble at all.

Big trouble, Arch. Three more phony tens.

Oh, don't tell me that.

- Phony tens? - Yes, phony tens.

Two of them was passed on
us a little while ago.

And now there's three more.
That's two and three--

- Five! - Five, five...

- Fifty! - Damn near!

- [RINGING] - Oh, now the phone.

Hello, Archie's Place.

This is Archie, your host.

Archie, this is Edith, your wife.

Edith, please, hurry up.
What do you want, huh?

I need you right away.

Edith, I'm busy and
brokenhearted over here.

I can't run home now.

But I ain't home.

I'm at the Elmhurst police station.

She's at the Elmhurst police station.

ALL: What's she doing there?

What are you doing there?

They are holding me for
buying you some underwear

with a counterfeit ten-dollar bill.

Oh, my dog... God!

See? I was goin' through a
lot of men's underwear.

Fruit of the Loom.

My husband loves 'em.

You know, the kind with--

with the Expando-seat.

'Cause he likes to sit roomy.

Yeah, I know how he feels, lady, but...

let's get on with it.

Well, I paid for 'em with this bill.

And where did you get this bill?

From my purse.

And who put it there?

I put it there.

Lady, where was it before you put it there.

Ohhhh...

Oh, in the kitchen,

in the can where I keep my house money.

One of them old orange pekoe cans

that they used to put the
tea bags in before the w*r.

WW II, the big one.

Aren't you a woman with
three prior arrests?

Oh, no.

Just a minute here, Herb.

Lady, what we're trying to get at here is

who put this money in your hand

before you put it in your tea can?

Because whoever it was could
be guilty of a federal crime.

I'm sorry. I ain't talkin'.

Tick a lock.

What is "tick a lock"?

My kids do that.

They take an imaginary key and
then they lock their lips.

Yeah, and then they take
the key and swallow it,

like this.

Now, Mrs. Bunker, if your lips are locked,

how did you get the key
in there to swallow it?

Oh...

[GIGGLES]

Oh.

Did you ever go under the
name of Agnes DeNunzio?

Herb, please.

Now, Mrs. Bunker, you're gonna
have to talk to us sometime.

Oh, I would love to talk to y--

Any other time but now.

You know, we can keep you
here until you do talk.

Oh, no, you can't.

I know my rights.

I learned them on Hawaii Five-O,

the time that the thief

was trying to smuggle some diamonds

in a hollowed-out pineapple shell

out of Waikiki,

and Lieutenant McGarrett

was chasing him in a helicopter.

And then the thief and his friends

that was hiding in some tall sugarcane

that was taller than them

so the helicopter couldn't see them,

and Lieutenant McGarrett was so mad...

Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot.

I ain't talking.

Mrs. Bunker, if you withhold
information from us,

you could be charged with counterfeiting.

Now, will you talk?

Herb, you want to see if
you can cr*ck this nut?

If she's Agnes DeNunzio,
she's too smart for me.

Why won't you let me go through here?

Oh, youse are criminals.

- Archie. - Oh, Edith, darling.

What are they doin' to you?
You look terrible.

Hey, hey, come on. Why are you
holdin' this unfortunate woman here?

Why don't you just tell me where your
wife got this counterfeit money?

Why didn't you ask me? I give it to her.

And then I put it in the orange pekoe can,

and then I took it out of the can

and I put it in my purse, and
then I took it out of my--

All right, lady.

We've been through all that.

I tell you, they're a
mom-and-pop counterfeit ring.

What?

Did you ever go under the
name of Angelo DeNunzio?

Who the hell is Angelo DeNunzio?

Agnes' husband, I guess.

Do we know these people?

Maybe they're the people

that live at the end of the block

that nobody ever sees.

This is a pretty crafty pair.

I think she's the brains.

Oh, come on, officers, huh?

Let me straighten this thing out.

Listen to me, my name is Archie Bunker.

I own a bar and grill
over there in Astoria.

Here, I got full proved
"indentification" here.

Here, New York State driver's license

made out in the name of Archie Bunker.

Here, local Teamsters card
from when I was driving a cab

made out in the name of Archie Bunker.

Here, Queens County library card,

made out in the name of...

Quentin Maldonado.

I don't know where the hell I got that.

All right.

Let's wrap this thing up for today.

Now, look, Mr. Bunker, if what
you're telling us is true,

this customer of yours is gonna
try and pass more of these,

so you can help us by keeping an eye out.

Oh, hey, listen, Officer, I give
you % cooperation in that.

Can I take my wife home now?

Yes, please.

Here. I'll just get my things here. Yeah.

Aah...

Oh, yeah, you need that.

All right, Edith, come on, let's go.

- Bye. - Here's your coat, sweetheart.

Put it on, huh?

Come on, will you run, Edith?

Why do we have to run?

'Cause there's three things
in this world I hate--

police stations, opera,
and cold terlet seats.

Hey, hurry up there, will ya?

We got minutes before
the bank closes there.

Oh, geez, no!

What--what--what? Oh, don't tell me--

- Another phony ten. - Oh, geez.

That makes six.

No, no, I give one to Edith,
this here makes seven.

Oh, that's great.

What's great?

Seven's a lucky number.

He's a moron.

He's a deluxe moron.

[SIGHS] That makes three of us.

We ain't so smart either, gettin'
stuck with these phony bills.

Just a minute.

I checked the cash about an hour ago.

We didn't have no tens in there.

No. Nobody left his joint in the past hour.

So that means that the guilty
party must still be here

amongst the midst of us.

I'm gonna find him.

Hi, Mr. Van Ranseleer.

Okay, the first thing we do is this here.

Okay, give me your attention, everybody.

Eyes this way here.

Now, I guess you noticed I just
locked the door over there.

ALL: Yeah.

That's because one of youse here
has been passing us phony tens.

And therefore, ipso "fatso,"

one of youse is a dirty thief.

Oh, well, now, does
anybody care to confess?

Anybody care to squeal on a friend?

Well, come on, folks,
unless somebody sings here,

we're all gonna be here

until the swallows come
back to "Crapistano."

Jeez, I wish I had a rubber hose.

Hey, hey, hey, it's a crime
to impersonate a policeman.

Wait, wait a minute. I'll get to
the bottom of this thing here.

Now, in the last hour, who give you a ten?

- I don't remember. - You don't remember.

If you don't remember, how
are we gonna cr*ck the case?

Arch, I can cr*ck the case for you.

How?

'Cause I heard everything.

Barney paid with silver,

Hank's on the arm,

all the other guys paid with small bills.

There was only one person got
change for a ten-dollar bill.

- Who?! - Who? you gotta ask who?

You dope, ya, you count the change for
a ten and you don't remember who?

No.

That's because you counted it out, Arch.

You! You're the dope!

Hey, that ain't important now.

The important thing is who give me the ten.

Who done that, Mr. Van R.?

A gentleman who was kind
enough to buy me a drink.

Happy holidays, Santy Claus.

Oh, come on. I don't believe it.

Santy Claus a thief?

There goes my last childhood delusion.

Okay, okay. But I didn't print those bills.

Some crook passed them on to me.

- Who? - My Uncle Harold.

When he d*ed two years ago, he
left me his entire fortune,

ten phony tens.

Your Uncle Harold bequeathed
you ten phony tens?

How come?

I was his favorite nephew.

What's the world coming to?

Santy Claus, a counterfeiter.

Now, wait a minute.

I didn't pass a single
phony until last week.

I lost my job two years ago.

I run through my unemployment insurance,

used up my life savings--

But I'll pay ya back right after I get

my Santy Claus salary, honest.

You could sing that if
somebody put it to music.

Come on, you guys.

Look, we can't blow the
whistle on Santy Claus.

You're looking at Santy Claus,

but we're looking at a guy
that b*at us out of bucks.

I'm gonna call the cops.

Harry, wait a minute.

No, no, no, don't call
the-- Hang up the phone.

- No! - Hang up the phone!

Ohh!

You mashed that finger, you dope, you!

Barney's right.

Yes, the man said he's sorry.

And he admits the error of his ways.
You're right, Barney.

You made the right decision, Arch.

Yeah, yeah-- Aah, Barney.

Get away from me.

Yes, you all heard this man.

He said he ain't gonna do it no more.

He says he's gonna make
full "destitution" to us.

And I just think that we,
in a true Christian spirit,

here in this holy season of Christmas--

Pay attention to this.

I think that we oughta let the poor man go.

Arch, he broke the law and
we gotta turn him in!

Oh, no. No, no.

That ain't my style, Harry, you know?

I like to think that I got
a little heart left here.

No, I'm gonna let you go.

I'm gonna see you to the
door myself, old geezer.

Get your pot.

Come here.

You know, Harry, geez.

Sometimes I'm ashamed that
I got a partner like you.

Now, go ahead, my good man.

Step across that threshold to freedom.

I can't.

Oh, in heaven's name, why not?

The door's locked.

Oh, yeah, that. Yeah, well.

Here, I'll open it for you now.

There you go.

Okay, on your way. Oh, hold it, hold it.

Hey, look at this, you don't
need no more of this q*eer.

You know what I mean? Okay?

Merry Christmas, pal.

- Merry Christmas. - Oh.

Remember what I told you, Arch.

Oh, yeah, I know, you're
gonna make it up to us.

Well, don't think nothing about it.

But don't forget it, neither.

There'll be something in your
stocking this Christmas.

Yeah, okay, yeah--

You can even ring your bell if you want.

♪ Good King what's-his-name, stepped out ♪

♪ Like a decent reason ♪

Arch, I gotta admit.

You was right to let the old guy go.

I feel good about this,
being Christmas and all.

I'm glad you've done the right thing.

Yeah, I hope I've done the right thing.

What do you mean?

I just seen old Santy drive
away in a ' Cadillac.

[♪♪♪]

All in the Family was
played to a studio audience

for live responses.