09x18 - Barney the Gold Digger

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us, we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls,
and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old
LaSalle ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

- [PHONE RINGS]
- ARCHIE: Get the phone,
Edith!

EDITH: Archie, would
you get the phone, please?

[RINGS]

ARCHIE: I don't want to
answer that phone, Edith!

EDITH: Archie, get the
phone! I'm in the oven!

[RINGING]

Can't you pick up that phone?

Archie, get the phone!
My hands are all icky.

What did you do
with the damn thing?

[RINGING]

Get the phone, Archie!

Where is it, Edith?

Oh...

Let me tell you, this long
wire ain't no convenience!

We spend more time
hunting than we do talking!

Get the phone, Archie!

I got the phone!

What?

Oh, I'm... I'm...
I'm sorry, Barney.

Something else. Uh,
what do you want?

Hey, hey, Barney,
don't cry, will ya?

Barney, if you
don't stop bawling,

I ain't gonna be able to
understand a word you're saying.

- What happened?
- Hold the phone,
will ya, Barney?

You ain't gonna believe this.

It's Blanche.

Is she sick?

Better than that, she run away.

Again?

Yeah. Uh, Barney, now, listen...

No, Barney. Now,
don't do that, huh?

What's he saying?

Hold the phone, Barney.

He says he's gonna k*ll himself.

Again?

Barney, now, don't...

Okay, Barney, if
you're gonna do that,

then you'd better say
good-bye to Edith here.

Yeah, hold the phone.

I'm gonna put her right on.

Say good-bye to Barney.

No, I can't say that.

Then say hello to Barney.

Say any damn thing you please.

Just stall him till
I have a chance

to run over there
and calm him down.

Hello, Barney.

Oh, Lord, why can't
I have one friend

with all his marbles?

Barney, stop talking like that!

You know you
ain't gonna do that.

Tsk, Barney, you remind
me of my Uncle Horace

who always said he
was gonna k*ll himself

every time his wife run away.

Well, he... He said
he was going to go

down to the subway
and electrocute himself

on the third rail.

No, of course he didn't.

He was too scared the train
would come along and k*ll him.

Uh-huh. Yeah?

[SOBS]

- Uh-huh.
- [KNOCK ON DOOR]

Oh, excuse me a
minute, will ya, Edith?

I think there's
someone at the door.

Who is it?

ARCHIE: Open the
door, Barney. It's me.

I'll be right with you, Arch!

[SOBS]

You okay, Barney?

Yeah, come on in, Arch.

Yeah. Glad to see
you're still alive.

Yeah.

Now, Barney, you
and me gotta sit down

and have an old fashion
heart-to-heart talk here.

Yeah.

Uh, just outta curiosity,

what was you gonna
do it with this time?

The old ten-gauge, Arch.

Ahh...

Well, that woulda k*lled
you all right, Barney.

You woulda also air
conditioned your house.

Edith here... she had
an interesting suggestion.

Yeah, what?

Uh, the subway.

You know, the third rail.

[MIMICKING ELECTROCUTION]

Yeah, well, I ain't heard
of that one in years.

Is she still up
in the air there?

- Yeah, she's there.
- Let me talk to her.

Yeah, Edith, it's me.

Yeah, I'm over here with Barney.

Oh, well, he thinks
he wants to go

with your idea
about the third rail.

Yeah, all right, Edith.

All right. Edith, I
heard that story!

[SOBS]

Why do you always do this?!

[MUMBLES]

I mean, don't you know
that Blanche ain't worth it?

It ain't as thought this is the
first time she done this to you.

Hey, how many times since you
married she run away from you?

Counting the honeymoon?

[NO AUDIO]

Aw...

Was it the exterminator again?

No, this time it was
the furnace man.

Oh, the furnace man.

How did he get to her?

He heated up the house,

then he heated up Blanche!

Which one took him the longest?

I don't know.

But he wasn't here more
than minutes altogether.

How can decent human
beings do things so fast?

Barney, listen to me.

Yeah.

What you need is somebody new.

You need a whole new experience.

Not me.

Just try and remember
that old saying, huh?

There's more than one fish...

in a wood pile.

I think you said
that wrong, Arch.

Don't correct my English.
I'm trying to help you.

[ARCHIE YELLING]

- [BARKING]
- Run, Archie! Run!

Get the hell outta here!

Shoo, shoo, shoo!

How is Barney?

Oh, poor Barney.

He's in bad shape over there.

Jeez, I wish I could say the same
for his dog who's healthy enough.

Look at that lawn.

Ah, Edith, you know,
Barney needs somebody new.

I mean, he... he needs a woman

who ain't gonna
run away from him.

He needs a woman with
absolutely no... lust for life.

[SIGHS] Anyway, we
gotta give him things to do.

Stick with him. Why don't we
have him over for dinner tonight?

Oh, we can't. You're
working tonight.

What about tomorrow night?

No, I invited my
friend Martha Birkhorn

over for dinner tomorrow night.

Who's Martha Birkhorn?

You know! I told you about her.

She's the one whose husband d*ed

and left her three supermarkets.

Oh, really?

Why don't we have Barney
over at the same time?

Why?

Because I think Barney

would love to make
the acquaintance

of three supermarkets.

Archie, what are you thinking?

Oh, Edith, I ain't
thinking nothing at all.

Except when the two
of them get together,

well, maybe they'll
think of something.

Ha ha ha.

Archie, women
don't like to meet men

who are only interested
in their money.

Oh, excuse me. God.

And, besides, Barney
is still a married man.

Oh, come on! What kind
of a married man is he

with a wife who's always
running away from him?

First with an exterminator,
now with the furnace man.

You know, that woman
Blanche, is working her tail

right through the yellow pages.

Ah.

What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna make a
phone call, do you mind?

Now, where is it now?!

Uh, there.

Why do you...? It ain't there!

- I didn't say there.
- What did you say?

I said there.

God, help me.

Who are you gonna call?

I'm gonna call
my old pal Barney.

Oh, no. Archie,
you can't do that.

What about about Blanche?

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

Tsk, I know.

But she'll come back.

She always does.

Yeah, well, this time
we ain't taking her back.

- That ain't for you
to decide.
- Please.

- Oh, hiya, there, Barney.
- Archie, that ain't
none of your business...

Shh. Excuse me...
Shush, will you?

Hi, Barney. It's me, Arch.

Listen, Edith and
me was thinking,

how'd you like to come over
for dinner tomorrow night, huh?

Would you like that?

Hold the phone.

He'd like to know
what you're cooking.

Meatloaf.

Uh, it's meatloaf, Barney.

Hold the phone.

Uh, he says, can you
make it a pot roast?

Come on, it ain't like he's asking
for duck or something there.

Give.

All right. Pot roast.

You got the pot roast, Barney

Yeah. Uh, listen,

Edith's gonna invite a
lady friend of hers over here.

You know, just so we make
up a kind of a fourtet here.

- Well, come at : .
- No.

- Yeah.
- Make it : .

: , Barney.

No, you'd better make it : .

: , Barney, and
that one's final. Bye.

God! Will you let
me get to my chair?

Yeah, all right.
Hold it, hold it.

[BOTH SIGH]

This might work
out there pretty good.

Uh, wait... wait a minute.

What does this Martha
whosis woman look like?

- Birkhorn.
- Yeah, all right. What?

Well, she's a lovely lady.

She has a wonderful
sense of humor,

and she's very peppy.

And she's got lots of
charm and personality.

A dog, huh?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Coming!

Archie!

She's here!

ARCHIE: Give me a minute.

Yeah, all right.

- Oh!
- Edith!

- Oh, you look wonderful.
- Good to see you!

Oh, my Lord, ain't
that beautiful fur?

It's mink.

Oh...

[GIGGLES]

Oh, Martha, you look wonderful.

Edith, is he here yet?

Oh, no. He'll be here at : .

Sit down.

Oh, Edith, everything
looks so nice.

- Thank you.
- Oh, wow.

I'm so glad you could come.

I'm so glad you invited me.

I didn't want to be
alone tonight of all nights.

Why?

Well, if Wally hadn't d*ed,

tonight would have been
our silver wedding anniversary.

Ohh...

Well, congratulations.

Well, well, here I am.
Sorry for the delay.

I had to k*ll a thousand-legger

in the bathtub up
there and then...

This is my husband, Archie.

Uh, Archie, this
is Martha Birkhorn.

Pleased to meet you.

Yeah, yeah. Pleased
to meet you, there.

Yeah.

Well, let's not stand here, huh?

Sit down, make
yourself at home there.

Not in this chair, 'cause
the back legs are wobbly.

Women always hurt
themselves sitting in that chair.

I don't know why.

- Well, sit over here
on the couch.
- All right.

What?

What is the matter with you?

[GIGGLING]

Well, tell me, dear,
Mrs. Birkhorny...

Call me Martha.

Yeah. Martha, yeah.

So, your old man d*ed.
Too bad. How did he go?

Well, it was just before dinner,

and he was sitting all
dressed up in his favorite chair,

smoking a cigar...

and poof!

He was gone, just like that.

Oh, gee.

Well, what are you
gonna do, you know?

What the hell are
you looking at?

Nothing.

[EXHALES] Don't
interrupt, will ya?

Ha ha.

Hey... you know who
else took on a lot of weight?

Elizabeth Taylor.

Do you still have
the supermarkets?

No, no. I got a good
price, so I sold 'em.

Oh, you sold the
supermarkets, huh?

Well, well.

Well, uh... what did
you do with the money?

If I may ask.

Did you invest it
or... just blow it?

No, no. I put part
in tax-exempt bonds.

And then I heard that
diamonds go up in value.

So, with the rest,
I bought these.

A girl's best friend, huh?

- Wow.
- They're beautiful!

- Get over there
and look at them.
- Oh, yeah.

Oh...

Look at these earrings here.

- Oh, they're gorgeous.
- Are they lovely, Edith?

Oh, Archie. Look at this!

Did you ever see
anything like that?

Not since Sammy
Davis was in the house.

- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- Ooh, that must be Barney.

Yeah, I'll open
the door for him.

I gotta check my pot roast.

Oh, Edith, let me help.

Yeah, help her up.

No...

No, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

I don't want to
see him right away.

What do you mean you don't
want to see him? He's here.

Well, don't let him in yet.

Now?

[Edith and Martha] Now.

- Hiya, Barney, my old pal!
- Hiya, Arch!

Hey, hey, good to see a
smile on your face again.

Yeah. Thanks to you, pal.

Hey, is my date here yet?

Hey, in the kitchen with Edith.

[GIGGLING]

Is she good-looking?

Oh... she ain't bad, Barn.

Is she young?

She ain't old.

Has she got a good figure?

Hey... did you ever
see Elizabeth Taylor?

Wow! He he he!

He he! Whoa!

I mean, lately.

Huh?

Now, listen, Barney.

This here is a lovely
lady, you know?

She's a good sport there
and... and she's peppy

and she's got loads of
charm and personality.

A dog, huh?

- Barney, don't start this...
- Here we are!

Give it a chance here.

[NO AUDIO]

Go ahead. Don't
be scared, Barney.

[PANTING]

Martha, this is Barney Hefner.

Barney, this is Martha Birkhorn.

Come on there, kids.

Come on there.

Let's hear the old
"pleased to meet youse."

Uh, Barney?

- Pleased to meet you.
- Pleased to meet you.

There you are. That's swell, uh?

Well, Barney, say
something else.

Can I see you in
the kitchen, Arch?

No!

It's important.

All right then, Barney.
Give us a minute or two.

Barney wants to see me in the
kitchen. Just make yourselves at home.

Edith, don't stand there. Show
the guest where to sit down.

Keep her outta my chair.

- What the hell you want
in the kitchen?
- The back door.

Oh, no, you stay over here.

You ain't gonna stick
me with that dame.

Just a minute.

As regards that dame,

putting everything aside...

If you could lift it.

Hold it, hold it, hold it.

- She happens to be
a wealthy widow.
- Huh?

She used to own
three supermarkets.

Used to. Well, they're gone now.

She ate 'em.

Here.

You ain't walking out on
Edith's beautiful pot roast here.

Look at this, huh?

With the little new potatoes
golden in the grease there

and the carrots, and
the little pearl onions.

Smell that gravy there.

You louse, you.

Okay, for Edith's
sake, I'll stay.

But I'll tell you one
thing, I ain't for sale.

Oh, come on. We
ain't trying to sell you.

We'd be lucky to give you away.

Get out there!

[SIGHS]

Edith, this has been my
happiest week in years.

You know, Barney and me,

we've been out to dinner
and the theater three times,

and Barney says
he's having such fun.

That's nice.

What's the matter?

Oh, nothing.

I'll bet you think
Barney's after my money.

Yeah.

Well, it isn't true.

Sometimes I buy
the theater tickets,

but Barney pays
for dinner and a cab.

Sometimes I buy the
popcorn and Coke,

and Barney pays for the movie.

And sometimes I
pay for something,

and Barney pays
for something else.

Look at me, Edith.
I'm no beauty.

Oh...

You know, they say
money can't buy happiness.

Well, I'm happy with
whatever it's buying me.

You know, Barney
is a very nice man.

I... He's lots of fun,

and I... I like being with him.

He... he makes me feel wanted.

And sometimes
when he looks at me,

I know he's seeing me...

not my money.

Oh, Martha.

I'm sorry I said that.

It's all right.

You know what?

He's cooking
dinner for me tonight.

Low-cal.

Oh...

- Ain't that sweet?
- Yeah.

And we're going bowling after.

Oh...

Edith, I want to
thank you and Archie

for bringing us together.

I know you know what it means

to have a thoughtful
man in your life.

Oh... yeah, I do.

Well, I just hope you
never have to know

what it's like to...
To be without one.

Oh, Martha. Tsk.

Have another cake.

Hey, hey, hey.

Is my little
butterball in there?

- Barney!
- Here we come, Barney!

Hey, Big Momma!

Big Daddy's here!

[LAUGHING]

How are you, honey? Hi, Edith.

Hi, Barney. Here, you
take the rest of the cakes.

Cake?

Hey, I thought we were
gonna kick them goodies.

Well, maybe we could
jog a little longer tomorrow.

[GIGGLING]

Okay, but come on.

We gotta go now. Dinner's ready.

- Bye-bye, Edith.
- Bye, Barney!

- Thank you, Edith.
- Ohh...

BARNEY: Come on, sweetheart.

- Bye-bye, Edith.
- Bye.

- Have fun!
- Thank you!

Tsk.

Oh, thank God. I thought
they'd never leave.

Archie! Guess what?

I don't have to guess, I heard.

- The two of them
are an item.
- Yeah.

I ain't surprised. I threw
them together, didn't I?

But what's gonna happen
if Blanche comes back?

Oh, well, I don't know.

I mean, them things
are, as they say,

in the lap of the cards.

Anyway, if she does, uh...

well, all Barney's got to
do is wreck his TV set there,

or his icebox or
punch holes in his roof,

or throw nails in his
washing machine.

What good would that do?

Well, then he'll have four
repairmen over the house, you know?

Within about minutes Blanche
would run away with one of them.

Oh, Archie...

Oh, I know them
kind of women, Edith.

- Oh...
- Yeah.

Easy, easy, easy,
easy, easy, easy!

Edith, don't... Easy!

Love should never hurt!

[♪♪♪]

All In The Family was
played to a studio audience

for live responses.