09x23 - The Family Next Door

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us, we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls,
and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old
LaSalle ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

[DOG GROWLING]

ARCHIE: Get the hell
out of here, you mutt, ya!

Get out of here!
Get out of here!

Get out of here!
Get out! Get out!

[DOG CONTINUES GROWLING]

Aah...

Get out of here!

Go on home. Go
chase the mailman!

[DOG CONTINUES GROWLING]

Ah.

Hey, Edith, where are you?

EDITH: I'm in the kitchen.

Geez, I know that.

Barney's dog

is a cross between
a cocker spaniel

and a rattlesnake.

Ooh, what happened to the paper?

I didn't like the
morning news, so I bit it.

Oh, Archie, you didn't do that.

Your teeth ain't sharp enough.

Here's your bakery...

Oh, good, you got more
than I asked you to get.

Yeah, I got plenty.

Good, 'cause we're having
company for breakfast.

Company? You ain't never supposed
to have company for breakfast.

You ain't supposed to
have company no time

without at least
two weeks' notice.

You're gonna love this one.

No, I ain't. I ain't
a loving person.

Guess who's comin' to breakfast.

Edith!

Oh, geez, is that... Is
that who I think it is?

Yeah, yeah. It's her!

Oh.

- Oh.
- Edith!

- Oh, oh, oh.
- Oh.

Remember me?

Yeah, sure. Doris Day?

No, Louise Jefferson.

I know that, Edith.

- Archie...
- Can't even have a joke.

Oh, Louise, you look wonderful.

I know.

That's just what I was
gonna say to you...

Love what you've
done with your hair.

Oh, I ain't done
nothing with my hair.

I just wash it and
dry it and roll it

and brush it and comb
it and sometimes dye it.

Oh, geez. Just...
Geez about dyeing hair.

- Let's have our coffee.
- Makes everybody
feel so old, old.

Take your coat.

Ooh. Archie, look at
this. A beautiful mink.

Ooh, ooh-ooh.

It's gorgeous there,
gorgeous, Louise, yeah.

Well, it's nice to see
you. Sit down, sit down.

Oh, thank you, Archie.

Not that I want to
say anything, Louise,

but, you know, a lot
of people nowadays,

they think it's kind of
un-American, you know,

to walk around with a lot of
dead live animals on your back.

No, Archie, they grow
them little minks on ranches,

special for coats.

Edith, it don't
make no difference

whether you chase the
animals around the ranch

or you chase them through
the streets of New York.

Somebody has got to
club the animal to death.

Oh, no, they don't do that.

Well, what the hell
do you think they do,

unzip them?

Oh... [GIGGLES]

Come on, Louise,
have a bear claw.

You know, speaking of animals

puts me in mind of, well, your
husband George, you know?

I mean, geez, we ain't
seen much of him lately.

Well, I guess he ain't got no
time to go slumming nowadays,

you know, with the five
cleaning establishments.

Seven.

Oh, whoop-dee-doo, seven there.

Listen, I am a
businessman myself, Louise.

You know, I bought
Kelsey's saloon down there,

but one of these
days, if I get the time,

I would love to
drop in on George.

Well, if you can't
come in person,

just send your clothes.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

So what brings you here, Louise?

- You mind if I ask
a question, huh?
- Mm, mm.

So, what brings
you here, Louise?

Well, our house
is ready for renting,

all but the drapes, which
I'm going to pick up right now.

And some people are
coming to look at the house.

Would you show it
to them for me, Edith?

ARCHIE: Ooh.

Me? Oh, I don't know.

Wait a minute, wait a
minute. She could do that.

You could do that.
You could do that!

But I ain't never
showed a house before.

It's easy to show it... show
it to people. Understand?

You just take them in, you show
them through all of the rooms,

and you say, "Isn't this a
positively doll's house?" Huh?

Please, Edith?

Yeah! Yeah.

- All right, I'll try.
- Yeah, she'll do it.

Oh, my. I ain't
been back next door

since Mike and
Gloria and Joey left.

Oh, my, it's gonna be sad.

I'll bet when I walk
through the rooms,

I'll hear voices.

Oh, stay with us, Lord.

That's one of her old-time
problems, Louise, you know.

Sometimes she hears voices.

What's wrong with that?

Sometimes I hear voices, too.

Yeah, but you don't crawl
into bed with me at night

and tell me what the voices say.

Thank goodness.

Oh, I must run.

Oh, could I take
this with me for later?

Yeah, would you like to take
a nice, soft speckled banana?

- No, thanks.
- All right.

All the information you may need

will be in this envelope,
and here are the keys.

Oh, all right.

- And I'll call back later.
- Yeah.

Now, if anybody
wants to rent the house,

just call George's secretary.

- All right.
- Oh, whoa ho ho, secretary.

But the man has seven stores,
don't he have seven secretaries?

Only one. He may be
rich, but he's still cheap.

Oh, Edith, good-bye.
Oh, good-bye. See you.

Oh, oh.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

See you later.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Hey, you know, Louise
is pretty funny, you know?

I love them jokes she's
making about George.

Oh, yeah.

But don't you ever
try nothing like that,

you wouldn't be funny.

Edith, come on. Will you
go around the other way?

Sit down in your chair!

How did I ever live this long?

And you.

You know, you
nearly blew our chance

to pick the new neighbors here

and root out the wrong ones.

Who are the wrong ones?

Oh, you know what I mean.

We want to keep the
neighborhood the way it is.

What way is it?

Come on, Edith,

the way it is since
the Jeffersons

moved back into the city.

I don't know what you mean.

Oh, you know
what I mean all right.

And don't be giving
me the long-face stare,

I know what you're thinking up
there, I'm some kind of a r*cist.

Listen, I'll tell you,
that George Jefferson,

there's the biggest
r*cist of 'em all!

He hates white people.

And listen.

There's a lot of guys just
like him today, you know?

Hey, the world
has changed, Edith.

This ain't like them
olden, golden days,

you know, with the old South,
where all the colored people,

they... they loved their fine
old white folkses back home.

Nowadays that's
all gone. It's gone.

That's like that
picture, Gone With the...

uh, Clark Gable.

Archie, you're...

- What, what?
- You're talking...

- What, what?
- I'm trying to think
of the word you always use.

You're talking...

Sense.

Crapola.

Don't tell me what "rent" means.

Everybody knows what "rent" is.

"Rent" is what we pay the
landlord here every month.

I'm trying to tell you that
"rent" in Shakespeare

means something else.

Like this.

"Oh, see the rent the
envious Casca made."

Who's Casca?

You know, talking to you is
like talking to a giant mushroom.

That's Shakespeare, you cluck.

Julius Caesar.

Oh, yeah, we studied
Shakespeare in high school.

I hated it.

You hated Shakespeare?

No, high school.

"Young Cassius hath
a lean and hungry look,

let me have about
me men that are fat."

Hiya, fellas.

Speaking of which.

Listen, whatever youse
is talking about there,

stop, 'cause I got
great news for youse.

I know. Alice Faye is in town.

Don't be a wise guy, Barney.

Now listen, the Jefferson house
is up for rent, and it's chic there.

It's just been "remodelized"
and everything.

And some lucky guy
is gonna get it, see?

Why lucky?

He'll be right next door to me.

[SING-SONG] Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Come on, fellas, what do you
say? Harry, what about you?

Are you kidding? We just
put in new linoleum throughout.

Oh, well, Barney.

Look, I been in
my house years.

Why would I want to
move across the street?

I just thought there might
be a little gypsy left in you.

What about some of
the guys at the lodge?

Hey, Step Gidnic.
He's a nice guy.

Though he does
scream a lot at night.

Why?

His wife punches him around.

Geez, if I give a woman
a name like Step Gidnic,

I'd expect to be
punched around myself.

Hey, how about Hank?

Nah, nah, he's stupid.

Stupid don't keep
you awake nights.

Oh, yes, it does. It does.

It does.

Come on, guys, come
on, help me, huh?

Geez, Edith is
showing the place.

If we don't come up
with a decent tenant,

she'll rent to Famous
Amos or somebody.

Yeah, it's a
positively doll's house.

Well, you... you are quite
a saleslady, Mrs. Bunker.

Oh, thank you.

I love it.

I really would love to take it.

Good.

[SIGHS]

But I'm afraid
I'll have to pass.

Yeah, I don't think
Arthur would like it,

and he makes all the decisions.

Bye.

[GIGGLES] Thank you.

Bye. I'm sorry.

Bye.

It's a lovely house.

The upstairs is so...
homey, and sunny.

I'm so glad you
like it, Mrs... Lewis?

Mm-hmm.

The back bedroom
gets the afternoon sun,

in the afternoon,

when the sun is out.

Gloria, that's my daughter,

she used to take a sunbath
right under the window,

while she was watching Joey...

That's my grandson...

In his sandbox, in the backyard.

But once, while she
was watching Joey,

she caught a man watching her.

Oh, he don't live
around here no more.

Oh, that's good.

Well, this seems
just right for me.

And my husband
Ed trusts my taste,

so it looks like we're gonna
be neighbors, Mrs. Bunker.

I'm so glad, Mrs. Lewis.

Call me Polly.

You, too.

Oh, I mean, I don't mean
that you should call me Po...

I mean that I
should call you Polly,

and you should call me
Edith, that's what I mean.

Do you see what I mean?

[LAUGHS]

Okay, Polly, I mean, Edith.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

You know, if your husband
and my husband get along

half as well as you and I do,

well... I couldn't ask
for anything more.

Oh, yeah...

Oh. Oh.

- [DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]
- ARCHIE: I'm home.

Yeah, that's right.

No, it's not.

Hi there, kiddo. What are
you doing, your homework?

I'm stuck on my arithmetic.

Oh, well, hey, that used
to be my best subject there.

I'll unstuck you.
What's your problem?

"A and B are in a race.

"A is running four miles an hour

"and started two hours before B,

"who is running
twice as fast as A.

How long will it take
B to catch up with A?"

B...

will never catch up with A.

Why not?

Listen. When I
was going to school,

B was trying to catch A.

And if B ain't
caught A up to now...

[CHUCKLES] You
know what I mean, huh?

I'll bet you'd like to have
a beer with me, huh?

Yeah.

Well, I'm gonna give you one...

when B catches A. [CHUCKLES]

We got new neighbors.

Oh, the new neighbors.
Did you get a look at them?

I saw the lady.

Yeah? Well... what's she like?

She's nice.

Eh, I mean... what
does she look like?

She's pretty.

Come on, I mean, eh...

What kind of... color is she?

A regular color.

Well, swell, why
didn't you say so?

That's what we want around here.

- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- Oh, damn.

Oh, no, you don't.

Why the hell the whole world
has to b*at a path to my doorbell?

Damn.

If he's selling mouse traps...

Oh, Mr. Bunker?

And if you are selling
magazines, uh...

nobody in this house
uh... knows how to read.

I'm not selling anything.
I'm from next door.

Oh, you workin' there, huh?

You think I'm the
maid, don't you?

Ah... well, what
else could you be?

I mean to say, uh...

I'm your new neighbor,
Polly Lewis. How do you do?

Ohh, you two are meetin'.

That's good.

- Come on in, Polly.
- Thank you.

This is my husband Archie.

Archie, this is Polly Lewis...

BOTH: our new neighbor.

Yeah, I know.

Uh... I just made a
mistake here, Edith...

It's your fault.

I... I took her for
the maid next door.

How stupid of me.

Oh, yeah.

I wish I were the maid.

Then I wouldn't
have to do windows.

Oh, yeah, you wouldn't
have to do the windows.

That's a good...

Excuse me, I just
gotta go inside and...

[MUMBLING] k*ll the kid.

EDITH: Here's your
cleaner you asked me for.

Hey.

Just what exactly is your
idea of a regular color?

A color you see all the time.

You're gonna be hungry
doing all that work,

so I'm gonna bring you
some sandwiches over later.

- Oh, thank you.
- Don't worry about food.

- I'll see you later.
- Yeah. Bye.

Ain't she nice?

[IMITATES EDITH]

"Ain't she nice?"

Hands off the chair!

What's the matter?

Ahh.

Listen.

You know that I always
been a fair-minded guy.

Listen.

I accept that we're
living in a country

where democracy's
got us by the throats.

Right.

I admit that people got a right
to be where they want to be.

But does that always
have to be next door to me?

The Jeffersons
lived next door to you.

That's right.

And I done my bit
with the Jeffersons.

How often does a guy have to
prove that he ain't prejudiced?

Polly is such a nice person.

Whoo-hoo, but so
was Louise Jefferson.

But look at George.
George Jefferson. Gee...

How would you like to have another
George living next door to you?

We ain't gonna
have another George

living next door to us.

And how do you know that?

Because her
husband's name is Ed.

Archie, don't worry.

Nice women have nice husbands.

Don't judge the whole
world by your case.

God, what's the
sense of talking to you?

You never get what I mean.

Listen.

You know damn well there's
certain things about me

I ain't never gonna change.

But you're asking me to
make out like I'm gonna.

That's right.

The house looks great, darling.

I couldn't have picked
a better one myself.

I knew you'd like it.

And wait until you meet
our neighbor, Edith Bunker.

She's a lovely person.

Oh, yeah? Well, how
about Mr. Bunker?

Edith tells the most
wonderful stories.

I love to hear her talk.

Yeah, but, uh... how
about Mr. Bunker?

Well. You remember
the TV show Roots?

Yeah.

You remember the
man with the whip?

Yeah.

Same guy, no whip.

Oh, God.

But you're gonna have
to meet him sometime,

so when you do,
please, Ed, be nice.

Ooh, why not?

I hated him in Roots,

but I'll give him
a second chance.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

That must be Edith.

- Hi. Here I am.
- Edith. Come in.

- Oh, hello.
- How are you?

Edith Bunker, I'd like you to
meet my husband, Ed Lewis.

How do you do, Mr. Lewis?

Well, it's a pleasure,
Mrs. Bunker.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

- Thank you.
- Excuse me.

Uh, being as how you're gonna
be eatin' sandwiches over here,

I thought I'd bring
over some beer

for you to wash them down with.

Thank you. Come in.

Yeah. Thank you, I'll come in.

Oh, hello, Archie.

Don't... don't wet me, Edith.

Archie, this is
Polly's husband Ed.

Ed, this is my husband Archie.

Yeah. Well, how do you do?

I want to welcome you here
to the neighborhood there...

- What was it, Fred?
- Ed.

- Ed.
- Ed! Okay. Hey.

Ed, Ed. Hey, it's
in there forever.

Ha ha ha ha.

Well, come sit down.

We don't have any chairs,

but we do have a
great window seat.

Hey, yeah, yeah, hey. Many is
the time when my family was there,

we'd all be at that
there window seat, I'm...

Ah, holy cow.

Ah, well, actually, it was
more of a... I couldn't help

but glance at the fact
there that you're wearing...

a rod.

D'you ever use that
in your line of work?

Oh, once in a while.

But I sure hate pulling
that trigger, though.

You do, huh?

I hate spillin' blood.

Yeah, I agree with that.

They make us
account for every b*llet.

You mean the mob is
running short of money?

The city is.

I'm with the police.
I'm a detective.

Oh, oh! That's...

Oh, well, I mean, who
could have knew there, hey?

Hey, Edith, guess what I
just figured out over here?

The man is with the
city police department.

He's a detective, huh?

- Oh, well, have a sandwich.
- How do you like that?

Well, it's great to have the
law living right next door.

Oh, listen. Being as
you're a detective, see,

and you're our new
next-door neighbor,

um, I... I wonder
if... if I could ask

whether there might be
some possibility in the future

that there would be
an outside chance

of maybe fixing a ticket?

You see, I got an open garbage
can rap hanging over me.

I'm in vice.

Vice? Well, don't vice
cover open garbage cans?

No. Lids do.

I told you so.

Put a lid on it.

POLLY: Have you had dinner?

- No, I haven't.
- Have a sandwich.

- Those are ham and cheese.
- I've been glancing down there.

- How about some cold beer?
- Great.

- ED: I think
I ought to have a beer.
- Ain't this cozy?

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

Oh, Archie, please
don't do that.

[♪♪♪]

All in the Family was
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