09x24 - The Return of Stephanie's Father"

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us, we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls,
and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old
LaSalle ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

Is he here?

No.

I could swear he was here.

The whole joint
stinks like booze.

Oh, you left your bar apron on.

Ah, God.

Well, where the hell is
he? Where is he staying?

Oh, I wrote it down.

"Floyd Mills. Seven Seas Hotel.

Pier North River."

God, that must be one
of them waterfront dumps,

where the sailors come to make
the acquaintance of girls and fleas.

He said he was coming
over in a little while.

I'm afraid he's gonna
come and take Stephie back.

No, no, Edith, please,
don't fall apart, huh?

He's the kid's father,

if he insists on doing
that, we can't stop him.

Oh, I...

Edith, Edith, Edith,
if you're gonna cry,

I'm gonna get a
terrible headache.

Hi!

- Oh, look who's here.
- Oh, hi.

Come here and give me a hug.

Ooh, ooh.

Edith, don't crush
the child, will ya?

When she finally pops
out, she'll pop out wrong.

Amy Bloom's coming over.
We're gonna play football.

Oh, hey, hey, hey, no football.

Football'll give you
cauliflower elbows.

It's only a computer game.

Amy got it for her birthday.

Oh, we're gonna have company.

Maybe you could go over to Amy's

and play at her house, huh?

Yeah, sure, go over and
ruin the Blooms' furniture

for an hour or two.

- Okay.
- Good girl.

Wait a minute! Give
me a kiss. Mwah.

Well, wait a minute, wait
a minute, wait a minute.

What's for me, nothin'?

Yeah. Now, wait.

I think you'd better
go out the back door.

Why? Amy lives over there.

I know that, but, you know,
just for a change, huh?

Besides, you're wearin'
out the front door.

Okay.

Oh, give me another hug.

You know what?

- What?
- I got a "C" in Arithmetic.

Oh...

Oh, Edith, what
do you mean "oh"?

Geez.

A "C" in Arithmetic?

That's a wonderful
mark for a girl.

No, it ain't.

Oh, come on. Hey, listen, kiddo,

most important
subject for you is

how to be gorgeous.

Oh, oh, never mind.

You'll do better next time.

- Good-bye now.
- Bye!

Oh, geez, Edith,
there's that face,

and here comes that headache.

Oh, don't...
Li-listen, listen, Edith.

Why don't we try to look

on the cheerful side of
this whole thing, you know?

I mean, if Floyd takes
back his kid there,

maybe we'll have
time to do a lot of things

we can't do takin'
care of a little girl.

What things?

Well, I was always promisin' ya

that trip with me
back to Foggia, Italy,

so I could show you where
the Germans shelled our airfield.

You never promised
me no trip to Italy.

Well, it was gonna
be a surprise.

Oh, I don't want to
see no shell holes.

Oh, okay, the trip's off then.

What are we gonna do, Archie?

[MUTTERS]

Well, listen, I'll tell you
what we better not do.

We better not, you
know, k*ll all our chickens

before they cross the road.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

- I'll get that.
- That's him.

- Oh, let him in.
- I'll get that.

- I said I would get that.
- No. I open...

I'll get it, Archie.

Why do you always have to go

lopin' up to the
door like a big dog?

Let me get it.

Sit down in your chair.

Calm yourself, will ya, huh?

Just sit there and
look off in the distance.

What?

Try to look blank.
You're good at that.

Here, this'll help.

Here, do some sewin' there.

Just let me handle it, huh?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Yeah, yeah, I'm
openin' the door for you.

Hi, Arch.

Well, hi there, Floyd.

Well... you don't look so bad.

Are you still on the old... hm?

No. I'm sober.

Is that every day or just today?

Well, I'm... I'm workin' on it.

Yeah, well, you might
as well come on in,

before the neighbors
see you there.

- Thank you.
- Look who's here,
Edith... Floyd.

- Hello, Floyd.
- How are you?

- It's good to see you.
- Sit down.

Yeah, but not in that chair,
Floyd, over there, huh?

Yeah, right on the sof...

Oh, wait, nope.
Careful of the hat there.

This is one of them
hats that you buy.

Well, uh, where's Stephie?

Oh, she's up in Connecticut.

She's at the Blooms'
across the street.

Oh, she got back already, huh?

Well, well, well, so...

So what's new there, Floyd?

Well, it's been a
long time, Arch.

It's been swell, Floyd.

I guess Edith told
you we had a little talk.

No, she didn't tell me nothin'.

She's been busy all day

sewin' clothes
for the child there.

Hold up some
sewin' there, Edith.

Perfect.

Well, Floyd, so, tell me, um...

Uh, what do you want?

Well, Arch, I've been
doin' a lot of thinkin',

and I came here to say...

m-maybe Stephie
should stay with you

till I'm better able
to take care of her.

- Oh, Floyd.
- Oh, wow,
did you hear that?

- That's just
what we wanted to hear!
- Oh, yes.

I mean, we love
havin' Stephie like that.

- Right, Archie?
- Oh, hey, certainly. That's wonderful.

Hey, that... that's
great, you know.

A father like that makin' a
sacrifice for his child there.

- Oh, sure.
- Oh, hey, hey.

Let's have a drink on that.

- No, no.
- No booze.

What? Come on, he can use
self-control tomorrow there.

Wait a minute, Arch.

I want to make myself...

presentable, so I can
look around for a job.

Hey, I seen by the paper
they're pickin' bananas in Brazil.

And them Indians down there,

they don't care
what you look like.

Arch...

I need a little cash.

Uh... how little, Floyd?

A thousand bucks.

Uh... I want to make sure
I heard that... how much?

A thousand dollars.

I need it.

In cash.

Or I'll take her back.

And I ain't kiddin', Archie.

But we ain't got
$ , in the house.

Well, get it.

You know where I'm at.

I want to hear from you today.

Archie, I ain't goin' down

to that hotel tonight
and hand her over.

Well, I ain't goin' down
to that hotel tonight

and hand over $ , .

'Cause I want to
tell you somethin',

it wouldn't be the last time.

That guy ain't gonna be
satisfied with no $ , .

Geez, he'll keep comi"
back and back and back,

like a "chronicle" rash.

What the hell are
you doin' over there?

I'm waterin' my fern.

When did you get that?

Oh, this was nine
years old last week.

Oh, Lord,

did you know that damn thing

was over in the
corner for nine years?

Of course. We all knew.

Well, let it die,
will ya, Edith?

I don't trust plants
inside the house.

They suck up all your precious
carbon "monoxygen" there.

No wonder I always been
short-winded in this room.

I never noticed you was.

I'm home! Where's
the chocolate cake?

In the refrigerator.

Get me a beer while
you're out there, huh?

Okay!

Oh. Ohh!

Ohhh.

Oh, there's that
face again, Edith,

and here comes the headache.

Oh, Archie...

Do you think Stephie

would like to live
with her father again?

Edith, you asked the kid
that question at least once,

and she told you no.

But I'd like to know

what she's feelin'
deep down inside.

Come on, ten-year-old kids,

they don't feel nothi" deep
down inside but junk food.

Here's your beer, Uncle Archie!

Yeah, give it.

Aah, geez!

You'll never know
how much that hurts.

Why don't we ask
Stephie? It's her life.

It ain't her life until
she's years of age.

Now, don't ask.

Stephie...

So she asks anyway.

If your father was to walk
through that door right now

and say, "Stephie, I've
come to take you back,"

what would you say?

I'd say I couldn't now.

I got my school term to finish,

Amy Bloom wants me to go
backpacking with her this summer,

and I'm a relief pitcher
for Little League.

That's nice.

Why did you ask me for?

Why did she ask me?

Uh... nobody knows.

I'd better go do my homework.

Yeah. Why don't
you go and do that?

Well, I know how we
oughta handle this thing.

We oughta go to Floyd and say,

"Here, Floyd, here's
your kid, take her."

Oh, Archie, no.

Edith, he ain't gonna take her.

She'd knock the hell
out of his booze buzzes.

I'm sayin' we
oughta call his bluff,

we oughta march
right in there tonight,

and say, "Here she is,
take her, we don't want her."

But that's a lie.

Of course...

[LOWERING HIS VOICE]
Geez, of course it's a lie, Edith.

Why do you think there's always

somethin' wrong with lies?

Sometimes lies are
good, don't you know that?

Don't you know that
this misfortunate world

simply cannot go
on without lies?

Huh, Edith?

I mean, lies is what
holds families together.

Lies is... is the basics of, uh,

of all civilized
"humanical" relationships.

But what if he ain't bluffin',
what if he takes her?

Edith, look at me.
Look at me, will ya?

I'm lookin' at you.

Oh, yeah.

Edith...

have you ever known me
to be wrong about anything?

Yeah.

I mean about anything
important, like this.

Yeah.

I mean lately.

Yeah.

Why can't you
once get behind me?

Once in years.

Thirty.

That's a dollar an
hour for the room.

You want a bath,
that's cents extra.

No, thanks.

We bathed earlier.

Oh, Archie, don't do that.

Leave me alone. I'm tryin' to
get used to the joint by degrees.

Good evening.

Hi, good evening.

All night or just a
fraction thereof?

We ain't interested in
sex, pal, we're married.

Got a guy named Floyd
Mills registered here?

Archie, Edith.

- Hello.
- Oh, you're here.

Hey, look, Archie, I'm sorry

I had to bring you
down to a place like this.

Well, we had to walk
the last couple of blocks.

Our cab driver chickened out.

Well, let's sit down and talk.

- Yeah, sure, sit down.
- How about over there?

Yeah, fine, fine.

I'll sit over here.
[CLEARS THROAT]

Hey, buddy, there's an
unconscious guy layin' in the alley.

I think he's got money on him.

Ooh, thanks.

I... I'll sit here.

Hey, dogs off of the
davenport, Mac, huh?

Sit down, Edith.

Go on, even a scorpion
couldn't live in that furniture.

Oh, Floyd, I have
to start with...

Why don't you go to sleep

and dream about the
tragedy which is your life?

Let me cut to the soul
of this here, Floyd, huh?

I mean, as regards
your daughter.

As I understand it, you
want to sell me the kid.

C'mon, Arch. I
didn't say "sell."

Well, what do you want
to say, rent or lease, what?

You don't have
to put it that way.

Well, how the hell
do you wanna put it?

Well, let's call it a loan.

A loan. Well, am I
loaning you money,

or are you loaning me a kid?

You're loaning me money?

Well, then you must be
leaving the kid as security there

like a old car or a
watch or something.

Oh, oh, Archie, I don't
think he means that.

Then what the hell
does he mean?!

It's... it's just

that I have to go someplace
and dry out, Archie.

Geez, for $ , , you
must be really soakin' wet.

That's what I need.

Well, you ain't gonna get it.

Okay, then we, uh...
we can shave it a little.

Say, . We're family, right?

You hear that, Edith?

He's offerin' us
the family rate.

I'd grab it.

Oh, yeah. You're
right. Thank you.

Let's grab it, Archie.

Why don't you grab
the Concorde for Paris?

What do you mean,
"let's grab it" here?

He's the grabber.
We're only the grabbees.

Well, I'll tell you what, Floyd.

Grab this.

'Cause that's all
you're gonna get.

Nothin'. Zilch.

No, Archie, please.

Stay out of this thing here.

Okay, then I'll take the kid.

Go ahead and take her.

- Stay out of this.
- No, Archie.

Go on, go on and take her.

I don't want her.

Hey, I don't even like her.

The two of us, we're fed
up to the ears with that kid.

You know something?
She eats like a horse...

three times a day.

I bet if that kid weighs
pounds, that of it's ours.

So go on and take her. I
got no use for her there.

She ain't even a boy.

Okay, Archie, if that's
the way you feel about it,

then I'll pick her
up in the morning.

- Do that!
- Yeah, she'll
stay with me.

You mean here?

Yeah, that's right.

I don't guess the guys will mind

if I put an extra
bunk in our room.

No, no, that settles it, right?

- No, no, wait a minute, Floyd!
- Cool it, cool it, Edith.

Don't settle it, Floyd,
you're her father.

You gotta think about
what's best for her.

She don't belong here.

Floyd, I know that you love her,

but you ain't able to take care
of her just now, and we are,

and that's what's important.

I mean, you gotta
leave her with us.

Yes. Maybe you're right.

I guess a man
don't think too clear

when his head's all
soaked with booze.

You know, before I...

rang your bell this afternoon,

I looked in the window...

and I saw Stephie kissin' you,

and you kissin' her.

She looks so happy.

And I'd like her
to stay that way...

so let's make it .

Floyd, I oughta
knock your block off!

Oh, no, no!

Come on, let's get
the hell out of here.

I ain't givin' you no $ !

You could give him the
$ you brought with you.

You blew it.

$ will do just fine, Arch.

You see what I mean?

Archie, please,
give him the money.

Edith!

Ugh.

Here.

... , , and .

Go on and count it.

I want you to stay away
from my house from now on.

Even for that much,

I'm gonna have to
sell a river of beer.

You take good care of my kid.

Why did you have to
open up your bazoo?

Why didn't you give me a
chance to bargain with that bum?

I'm sure we could have
got that child for $ .

He needs the money, Archie.

Oh, come on, Edith. Needs it.

So do all these other gentlemen
of leisure flappin' around here.

It's all right, though.

I don't blame
you, it's my fault.

There was a smarter way
of handlin' all of this, I'm sure,

but I was too much of
a dope to figure it out.

Oh, Archie...

I love you even
if you are a dope.

Edith...

Oh, geez.

Now, come on, let's go home.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

You love me that much, huh?

Well, sure.

You know, I think if we could,
uh, get a can of flea powder,

we could register
here for an hour.

Oh, oh, Archie, come on!

What is the matter with you,
Edith Baines Bunker, huh?

You lose all your
"spontanooity"?

Oh, Archie.

[♪♪♪]

All in the Family was
played to a studio audience

for live responses.