03x09 - Jake of Hearts

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Daria". Aired: March 3, 1997 - January 21, 2002.*
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Adult animated series about Daria who goes through teenage life as a proud outsider in a world of mainly idiotic adolescents and condescending adults.
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03x09 - Jake of Hearts

Post by bunniefuu »

I'm telling you, puppets
make anything funny.

Give me something that isn't funny.

a plane crash, into
a nuclear power plant.

Okay. Now, picture the same plane crash,

only the cabin is full of screaming puppets
flailing their skinny little puppet arms.

Funny, right?

maybe. Are they on fire?

Hey, Lawndale High! Are
you ready to par-tay crazy?

What the hell is that?

If it's an ice cream truck, that
better be some damn good ice cream.

I'm Bing.

And I'm the Spatula Man!
We're mental in the morning!

'Cause you got to be crazy to
make it through high school!

Good grief.

It's lame deejays, Charlie Brown.

This is so exciting!

Imagine, real-life celebrities broadcasting
all week live from Lawndale High.

They're not celebrities.

They're deejays.

Wacky deejays!

And their hilarious antics will
soon silence those naysayers

who would have us believe that
Lawndale High is a place of gloom.

Of course, getting rid
of the hidden cameras

and the b*mb-sniffing dogs
would accomplish the same goal.

You girls should be thanking me for
caring so much about student morale.

I don't suppose the school would be receiving a large fee
from the radio station for participating in this stunt?

Ms. Morgendorffer, those
b*mb-sniffing dogs have to eat!

Could puppets make them funny?

I withdraw my theory.

Well, actually, Eric, would you
mind if we wrapped this up tomorrow?

Oh, no, that's okay, no, fine.
It's just that my family was just...

no. Yes, sure, of course.
Not at all. Anytime, never!

Nothing like Taco Tuesday, eh, girls?

If I recall correctly, Taco
Thursday was pretty similar.

I was on the radio today.
Bing and the Spatula Man

invited the Fashion Club to critique the
outfits of some less stylish students.

Marconi would be so proud.

That Spatula Man is funny!

As are most men named
for kitchen utensils.

Helen, you're going to miss
out on all the guacamole!

Mom's going to miss the guacamole,
Mom's going to miss the guacamole...

Enough with the guacamole!
No, not you, Eric!

I think Bing has a crush on me.

Daddy! You're using all the cheese!

Hey! What did the doctor tell you
about cheese? No, not you, Eric!

How would I know what the
doctor told you about cheese?

Why, sure, I'd love to hear what
the doctor told you about cheese.

"What did the doctor tell
you about cheese, Jake?

What did the doctor tell
you about cheese, Jake?"

Why can't a man come home
from a hard day's work

and enjoy a lousy taco
without it turning into...

hey, you know, it's the darndest
thing! I can't feel my arm!

Yes, I can probably put together a
four-phase strategy by Monday, but...

Dad?

Daddy?

Mom's... going to
miss... the guacamole...

Jakey!

We'll have to wait for the test results,

but so far it looks like
a very mild heart att*ck.

Oh, no!

A heart att*ck!

A very mild heart att*ck.

Was there much damage to his heart?

I don't think so.

If he adopts the right diet, exercise,
and attitude, he should be fine.

I hope you don't mind the question, but

is there anything in your father's home
life that might be causing him stress?

Are bats sneaking into your neighborhood
disguised as cute flying squirrels?

Rabid rodent rip-offs,
tonight on Sick, Sad World!

The bats of death! They've come for me!

Don't worry, Dad. It's
just the bats of bad TV.

Oh, Jakey! I promise, the girls and I
will take good care of you from now on.

What's the catch?

There's no catch, Jake. That's
just your medication talking.

Assuming he's on any medication.

This book will tell us what we need to do now
that we have a heart att*ck survivor in the family.

And guess what, Daddy? I'm
going to study to be a doctor!

Hey, that's great!

Dr. Quinn, medicine moron.

A heart doctor.

If Dad had d*ed, I would've been
freaked out for, like, years.

That's the spirit,
sweetie. Avenge my death.

You're not dying, Dad.

Avenge me!

Jake, you're going to give
yourself a... never mind.

Honey, is there anything
we can get for you?

Yipe!

I want my mommy.

So, my grandmother Ruth will be
staying with us while my dad recovers.

Is this the grandmother who said she'd
give you bucks if you changed your hair?

Both my grandmothers said that.

Spatula Man, I see a couple of ladies
here who I bet know how to par-tay!

We really should start
driving between classes.

Girls, we've got a treasure
chest full of Z- prizes here,

and all you have to do for
the key is tell us, on the air,

where you love to get
mental in the morning!

I think they have stage
fright, Spatula Man.

Come on, girls! Nothing
to fear but winning!

Just tell us which station plays
the hits high-schoolers love to hear.

Note to self: stop by courthouse on
way home and pick up restraining order.

Well, no problemo!

We'll just find some other
mental morning party people.

I can't believe they
gave us free key chains

And look: it's a flashlight, too!

How do they do that?

They must be made with computers!

Ruth! It's wonderful to see you!

Hi, Grandma Ruth.

Yeah, hi.

Helen! Girls! Still haven't
settled on a decorator, I see.

Well, if you remember, Ruth, I
decided to decorate the house myself.

Oh, marvelous. I look forward to
seeing it once you get started.

As a matter of fact, it's already...

And how are my little granddaughters?

Daria, you look... you
haven't changed a bit.

Actually, I've had a number
of bionic limbs installed.

Well, I don't know what that means,

but as long as you don't
get a tattoo, I'll be happy.

You mean, another tattoo.

And how's my beautiful little
Quinn? Is that a stethoscope?

I need to get used to
coordinating outfits around it.

I'm studying to be a heart doctor, so the
next time my dad collapses, I can save him.

Quinn, girls as pretty as you
don't need to become doctors.

I know, but it's, like,
you know, a calling.

Where's my Jakey?

Mom? Is that you?

Jakey?! You shouldn't be yelling!
Didn't you give him a bell?

We... we were just about to, of course.

Really!

This doesn't say anything about a bell.

So the stories were right.

People really do use these
peculiar rooms to prepare food.

Welcome home, dear. I'm just
teaching your mother how to cook.

Oh, nonsense. I cook all
the time, don't I, Daria?

Well...

What exactly are you making, Helen?

Chinese chicken with pea pods.

You do realize that's a piece of fish.

This is so frustrating!

Daria, have you ever read this book?

Thrombocytopenic Complications After Stent
Placement Post-Coronary Artery Angioplasty.

Maybe you should start
off with something easier.

Many coloring books feature
hearts, and rainbows.

Come on, Jakey. You've
got to eat something.

But I don't like oatmeal.

If you eat it, I'll give
you some apple juice.

With a straw?

Pretend the spoon is an
airplane. Works every time.

Daria, could you feed
your father for a minute?

- I'm sure he...
- Thanks, dear.

Daria... my eldest... my heir...

Well, if I manage to bump off Mom
and make it look like an accident.

This is serious, Daria. I may
not be long for this Earth.

And when I go, it could well fall
on you to put things in order.

Your mother, of course, will be so stricken
with grief she'll be unable to function.

And Quinn, she's just so very young!

Oh, God, my little Quinn!

Dad, you're not dying.

The doctor said you'd
be fine after some rest.

I think I promised to walk
you down the aisle one day.

Now there's a request I
definitely don't remember making.

Daria, you don't get it!

The reaper could walk into
this room at any moment.

Time for someone's sponge bath!

Hey, Spatula Man! Let's remind our
audience what we're doing here this morning!

It's simple, Bing.

We're going to make a love match
for this young man, live on the air.

What's your name, chief?

Charles is my name

Okay, Charles.

The first girl out here in our
audience to agree to a date with you

is going to get a free "Mental
In The Morning" bumper sticker!

What do you say, ladies?

A date for a bumper sticker?

Even Upchuck doesn't deserve
this much humiliation.

Think how the bumper sticker must feel.

Well, Charles, it looks like the response
is underwhelming, to say the least.

No, no... they're always shy at first.

It makes them more mysterious.

Hey, if they won't come to you, Carlos,

the Spatula Man ain't
too proud to go to them!

Watch it, Spatula Geek!

Hey, chickaritas! Which one of
you lovelies wants to go out for

a night on the town with my man Charles
and win a free bumper sticker, on Z- ?!

Tiffany, dear. Would you please
explain to the Spatula Man

why a bumper sticker
cannot possibly compensate

for the shame and permanent reputation damage
involved in a single date with Charles Ruttheimer.

Upchuck?

Well done.

Hey! How about you? Up for a date
with our Don Juan de Lawndale?

Um, no thanks.

Don't you want to hear
your voice on the radio?

Come on, you look like
you could use a date.

Okay, you talked me into it.

You hear that, everybody?

I'll just run home first
and take a ten-year shower.

Damn bed! Come on! I need
lumbar support! Lumbar support!

Jake! Calm down. Your father
never used to carry on like this.

Of course not. Expressing
emotion requires a soul.

What's that supposed to mean?
Dad was a decent, caring man.

Oh, sure he was!

Caring enough to ship me off to
m*llitary school first chance he got!

But you asked for more
structure in your life!

All I said was I might
want to go to tennis camp!

Oh, that's right.

But Dad twisted my words around.

The same way he twisted
my entire adolescence

into a bitter hangman's noose
of resentment and isolation.

He wouldn't even teach me to shave!

Now, Jake, you know your
father had a razor phobia.

I had to learn behind the munitions
hut from Corporal Ellenbogen.

That man with one thumb?

Daria, what do you
think of this pattern?

Your grandmother seems to think our
current drapes aren't cheery enough.

I'll show her cheery.

This might not be the best time for you
to be working near large panes of glass.

Oh! Darn it! I thought this
surgery thing would be a lot easier.

Don't worry. When you operate on real
people, their noses don't light up.


Can you believe the
stomach on this patient guy?

No wonder he has to get
all this stuff removed.

Um, Quinn? That is the phone, isn't it?

Sorry, I'm studying.

Hello? Mom, it's Marianne at the office.

I'll just have to call her
back. Use the message pad.

Message pad? She'll have to get back
to you when she regains her sanity.

No, I don't know when
that'll be. Okay. Bye.

Hello? Yes, Quinn's here, but
she's studying. "Stud-y-ing."

No, this isn't prank
call. You called me.

- Okay. I'll tell her. That was...
- Message pad!

Darn gall bladder!

No matter what I did,
he'd always done it better!

He gave me $ a month for
my allowance. Allowance!

As if keeping his house
spotless and raising his children

was only worth the price
of a couple of girdles!

Tried to mold me into a soldier, but
did he ever let me have a G.I. Joe?

Didn't want his boy
playing with dolls, he said.

Oh, Jake! I wanted
you to have that doll!

It was an action figure!

I'm sorry, Jakey.

If I could do it all over, I'd
stand up for you against your father.

As a matter of fact, I'd do
a lot of things differently.

Oh... oh, my... Feel a
little faint. My chest.

Mommy? See what you've done, old man?

How many more lives,
Dad? How many more lives?

Daria? What's going on up there?

I think we may have another
patient on our hands.

Anyway, the doctor checked
her out and she's okay.

It was just gas from my mother's
"heart-smart" lima bean cupcakes.

She collapsed right next to your dad?

That's so sweet,

Heart disease, borderline psychosis...

I shudder to think what lies behind door
number three in the Morgendorffer genetic code.

It could be worse, you could come
from a family of wacky morning deejays.

Don't remind me.

Between Dad and the Party Van, life's
become a living hell at home and at school.

There's no place left for me to hide.

You could always dive
into a wooded thicket.

Hey, it works for bunnies.

Z- makes me mental in the morning!

I've seen more people
collapse this week.

That was pretty good. But good enough
to win a T-shirt? I don't think so.

There must be some other students
out there who can tell us,

on the air, why Z- makes
them mental in the morning!

Me, me, me, me!

You there, in the green. Yeah, you!

Once again, I'm being personally
addressed by a morning deejay.

That's it, I want your autograph.

You've been avoiding us all week long.

Why not come up here and tell us why
Z- makes you mental in the morning?!

Free T-shirt!

It's two sizes too large and
tissue-thin. How can you resist?

I'd finally have a decent
outfit for the auto show.

But... are you mental in the morning?

You know, I think I am.

A few days ago, my
father had a heart att*ck,

forcing me to admit his mortality
to myself for the first time.

Accepting this grim new knowledge
has been especially difficult,

as I've been under constant,

yammering as*ault by two utterly brainless
and talentless so-called radio personalities.

And so, for these reasons, I, Daria
Morgendorffer, am mental in the morning.

What do you think?

It's basically your chili
recipe but with half the fat.

Jake will know the difference.
He grew up with my chili.

And now he's had a heart att*ck.

I'm sure you did the best you could.

Chili's not easy for someone who so
rarely gets to cook for her family.

Now, Ruth, I...

Quinn?

Did you know the heart can
take blue blood and make it red?

Quinn, if you don't take your nose
out of that book from time to time,

you're going to get wrinkles.

I thought of that,

but the lady at the makeup counter said
reading is okay as long as I pace myself.

Wouldn't it be easier just
to marry a nice doctor?

Then you could stay
home with your children

and have dinner on the table
for your husband every night.

Just what are you getting at, Ruth?

She wants you both to
model your lives after hers.

And who could blame her?

After all, you were just
telling Dad yesterday

how you made all the right
decisions in your life.

Right, Grandma?

I... well... I need to
check on the laundry.

You both owe me.

How does she do that?

You got me.

How are you feeling, "Jakey"?

Oh, better, I guess.

It's just a little difficult when your
first major organ decides to betray you.

Just be thankful your
pancreas is still on your side.

Daria, how am I doing? As a dad?

Um... I'm not sure what you mean.

My father always had to point out how I
was screwing up, and that screwed me up.

I just want to make sure I never
make you girls feel that way,

less worthwhile or
intelligent than your old man.

Here, I did the hard parts
of the crossword for you.

Thanks, kiddo.

Don't worry, Dad. I'm sure you're
doing better than your father did.

Do doctors in operating rooms
have to wear these masks?

Because they can't be
good for your pores.

Not now, Quinn! I mixed up
the sugar and the salt again.

Yahoo! I'm better than him!
Better than him at living!

He was dead at my age! Wahoo!

Was that Jakey?

Mom, does this mean
Daddy isn't going to die?

I think it's safe to say that
Daddy's better now, honey.

Where's that message pad?

You can use this phone,
I'll use my cellular.

Hello, front lawn! Hello, garbage truck!

Merry Christmas, you
wonderful old garden gnome!

So Grandma Ruth just took off?

She finally realized she was
doing more harm than good.

And did you, perhaps,
help her realize that?

I may have had a hand in her epiphany.

I hope you washed it thoroughly.

So, with the Party Van gone, I guess your
life is back to normal at school and at home.

You know, as stupid as both places are,
I see now that they could be a lot worse.

Why, Daria, are you
becoming an optimist?

Hmm, I'm not sure. Hold up your glass.

Nope... still half-empty.

Guess it was just a phase.

Although the half that's there
looks delightfully refreshing.

All right, party pizza people!

This is the Z- Party Van,
and we'll be broadcasting live

all week from right here at
the best pizza place in town!

Now, who here digs key chains?
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